 You said it was an emergency, and why did you text me about people? I don't know you, surely you've text Chris or something? Why don't you call her by her real name again? It's a preference, what of it? Don't question me, fuck off. Sure, why not? It's not exactly a local Tesco about, but... She shouldn't have! Wait, wait... What flavour is it? Oh, let me think, it's got a bit of chocolate in it. And banana, fucking legend! Oh, then come on, you have your own place. Oh, fucking cupboard that can't hold more than one person. Why didn't I think of that for a birthday party? Rose, you have been... just the best friend. You've helped me dig myself out of a pit bigger than the one in the Satan pit. I've still got a long way to go. Yes, sorry, right, bring it in, Baker. Thank you again for the space. Yeah, not a problem. Although remember our deal. Deal? What deal? They've been trying to find a source of those cracks in time. And if they can't figure it out for themselves, I get caught in. But it's a one-off, though. Yes, yes, you've made that very clear. So, wait, were you helping out unit? Does that make you the doctor, but for real? Sort of, yeah. Lookie, you're full. Valuable unit time on those. Alistair wouldn't have approved. I'll stop acting like you knew him. Go get the rest of the tea. We have a full crew now. We have a lot of important work to do. Fuck, it's not full. You still haven't filled the scientific advisor slot. We've been needing one, you know. Working on it, Professor. It's an important role. It needs a lot of thought put into it. Is that a new shirt? Funny, I thought you'd be the one to notice. I did, yeah. I thought it felt more... I don't like it. Do you remember series one? What happened to son-off anyone called Stephen Moffat is angry and full of hate and his evil and stuff? My mind's always up for a change. Do you remember how simple it was? There was no road entrapment. There was no monster of the week coming to kill us. Just a bunch of writers and a bunch of actors coming together and having some fun and making event television whilst they were at it. Yeah, good times. Where's this coming from? I've been doing a lot of looking back recently. Looking back on simpler times. Trying to figure out where we all went wrong. And I'm guessing that being stuck in this fanboys wonderland hill hall of the roads, from time to time. At first, yeah. But honestly, this road's been quite fun. I mean, yeah, it's... It's there, right? But it's like living out any actor's fantasy. Like a play that can kill you. So, if not that, what do you think it could be? You. Me? Right, no, sorry. Not you. You. But like, different. You alternate. You. Right? It's tricky to explain, but once upon a time, my mind was altered. Anger was pushed to the fore from, and I never really had time to deal with it. Until Rose came along. And finally, thanks to her, this all became fun again. Well, I mean, McGann keeps badgering me about doing his big finish lines, and Christ, that's stressing me out. And also, Tenor needs to stop getting his dick out, but other than that, fun. Is there a point to this conversation, aside from kind of sort of definitely insulting me? Maybe not. Just good to vent, I suppose. Healthy for the mind. And what else is healthy? What? Forgiveness. Come on. Up you jump. Up you get. This won't make any sense to you. Hell, I don't know this probably did, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry I've been such an antisocial bugger since we've bulked up. It's fine. I do still enjoy the peace and quiet, but... this is good too. Friends? Oh, crap, that reminds me. That reminds me. Well, you gave me the idea. It was genius. Well, what can I say? I'm an ideas man. I can feel a firm friendship building already. Let the games... begin. This thing... rookie mistake. What are you doing in Rose's boudoir? Does privacy mean nothing these days? I'm her mother. Okay, you know that doesn't answer my question. Also, we're all actors, so no, you're not. I don't have my own place, so... she said I could stay here. I know this place never made sense before, but the flat idea makes no sense. Like, how many people flat share? How many people do have a flat versus don't? Like, where's the logic? Oh, she told me about you. Your history. You are putting my daughter in danger. Oh, right. Firstly, you both sound nearly identical. It's weird. Secondly, she's not a child, and I'm not a danger. Oh, yes, you are. I know all about you. Your history. What you did to the last Doctor Roe. Jesus fuck! Chill out a sec. My history is... messy. I have to believe me when I say that all I want from this place is a quiet life. She is very, very important to me. Ever since she came back, we've looked out for each other. She's important to me too. Wait, did you say came back? No. Cat and jacket. Is that a prison? I don't get it. No, really? It's from our first story. It's like an event. Oh, you did say you would be a nostalgic. Thank you. I'm glad you like it. Fine. I trust you. For now. There's a strange man in my bedroom. Speaking of, are you going to use that hand? I don't know. I might just put it on display or something. Why? I can think of a few good uses for it. It felt like it moved. It's a plastic hand. Something that can't move and has never moved. You know, you might be ordered for a second. Ah! A jacket filled that side of that door for more than five seconds. It's the sad reality of moving out of a family home. Into the script. Oh, wow! I haven't seen it in a while. But fine. Scripted answer. The hallways, to my understanding, are dimensionally fucked. So we just end up where we want to go. Questions? No? Good. Yeah, I did have a couple, actually. Where'd you get the arm? Ordered it online. I'm not making that mistake again. Are we all tons, real? Oh my God, and the Weepin' Angels came through from the crack. So, really, anything is possible. Eccleston. John Barrowman? Captain Jack, thank you. You will not be seeing my penis. I've put that life behind me. Good to know. I'll tell you, it's been a while since I've seen you. Yeah, the last time I saw you was Fear Marth when I was trapped in that dry. God, that was hilarious. Oh, sorry. No, that's alternate you. Still get news to learn. What? I want a false analyst thing. If there is even the smallest amount of non-terrestrial substance on it, I need to know. You are shouting at us? Believe it or not, not helping. Why don't we just let the professionals work? Yes, well, just do it, please. Let's get into this thing. So, what do you do around here? Sergeant Benton at your service. I'm in charge of weapons. Oh, it keeps me busy ever since this bridge passed away. Captain Jack Hardness, I don't think I've introduced myself to you yet. Stop it. I was clearly just saying hello. Yeah, and for you, that's third base. Get over here. You're the Jack from my universe. Yeah, seems like it. But how did you get here? It's impossible. You're one to talk. I suppose you weren't there when it all happened. When all what happened? It's dead. Unwritten but not forgotten. Just bricks and corpses. What the hell happened? There was a war. War with who? It's a long story. I'll get you the box set. What? I'll tell you what I want to know. Where the hell have you been this all time? A while after they moved me to the quickly forgotten Torchwood Road. These cracks began to appear all over the place. And in an attempt to study them, I got sucked through. Leave my team behind. Did you not try and get back? I mean, that road was literally built for you to get your fuck on. Why else do you think I'm a unit? I thought I could get much work done when these assholes get in the way. We can hear you. Good, Char. Good, because it was directed at you. Ugh. Why are you so perky? I felt my friends die. Every single one. Even witness on first hand. But there's you. You survived. And if you could survive, it opens the door. I'm going back for Jack. Keep all safe. What is this? It's filthy. Mine. So no touching anything. Got it? How long was Benton and Orton? Hard to say. Who's Chris? Fucking hell, questions sitting in it. Are you going to go help Jack? Oh, fuck. I love this too much interference. There's some of the signal. I can't go through it. And Jack's dead. He can come back to life, right? Well, if memory serves. Yep. We're good. Me and my big. You took down one of their first soldiers. So I think it's calling in. It appears to be in danger. To me to go. No. Good job. All right. Essentials. It's nearly complete. How do you say that? Pass me my sonic screwdriver. How do you say that? Any day now. Come on. Hey. What's that? It's like someone else in control. Don't panic. Stay still. It's all right. Calm down. It's a focus here. Eyes front. Don't panic. I'll call the unit for help. They don't know what to do. There is always girls. Both of you is amazing, of course. All of what is going on. Surely. I need some hands. Bradley Walls. The other. Is anybody in here? Please? I am freaking out. And I said that this was my bedroom. Well, as it was only moments ago, we'd have to be brain dead to forget. Like him on the floor. A simple yes would have sufficed, but before me, that was the brick of his. Look under literally anything. Listen up. The Autons have most likely animated anything and everything to take over this flat. And as Doctor Who roams first line of defence, it's our job to stop them in their tracks. We are scientists. Not soldiers. Not today, you're not. Well, I did suggest to you that we should build a proper army, but... Oh, just shut up and shoot. We are taking down... All right, John. I caught it. Have you seen Road? What the hell? Jackie? Okay, so we know that the nesting has a central hub where the main blob itself can send a signal from. So we locate that. We get in there. Blasty glass, kill it dead. Excuse me. Who's in charge? Right. Sorry. Awaiting orders, sir. Robin. Here's the plan. Like you said, nice plan with one alteration. No killing. We could just tell it to buzz off. He won't just buzz off because we tell it to. Of course it will. Because it's us doing it. The dream team. Right, okay. So how do we find the nesting then? I don't see any London eyes for you to completely miss. Okay, ouch. But it's a transmitter. And my guess is that it's only transmitting through the flat. So it has to be within Doctor Who Road. Some sort of small, circular dish hidden somewhere here. Can you not use the sonic screwdriver? You can use that for everything. I once saw you open a bottle of wine with it. There's too much interference. It's like there's this other signal somewhere messing with the sonic's function. So we're going to have to do this the old fashioned way. Narrowing it down. Okay, so we know it's metal. Narrowing it down. It's a circle. Narrowing it down. If it can be any size, it can be hidden inside of anything. And that is not helpful. Come on, Captain. Oh, yeah, no shit. If all of this is starting now, it must have just gone away. Now that narrows it down. Tastic. All right. Destroy it. If we destroy this, we will not find the nesting. It'll just build a new one and hide it better. Then we'll have no chance. These art-on creatures, they will have infested the entirety of Doctor Who Road by now. Who knows how many of us are in danger? Well, we better get to it then, eh? What was that? You've got to be kidding me. You're okay. Well, I mean, I'm dead again, but I'll be back again for the next adventure. The usual. Good-o. Amelia Pond, the nesting duplicate. Let me guess, you saw Rory do it in the Pandorica Opens and got jealous, didn't you? Well, I'm afraid jealousy is not a good colour on you. AKA the colour green. Green is not a colour that looks good on anyone. Did you see my green coat? I wore for a couple of episodes. My goodness. Couldn't wait to get rid of that. I'm rattling. Where were we? Come on. I know you're plastic, but there's still a bit of you in there. It's that psychic link. That's it. Right there. Remember every happy, bright day we've had together. Remember your funny, pregnant belly dance from the behind the scenes of Aimee's Choice. Oh, and remember us going to America. And remember throwing Rory out that door just then. Don't think I didn't see that cheeky little smile. You're enjoying yourself, which means you have emotions, which means you are Amelia Pond. Doctor, welcome back. Did you have that handled? Yes, very clearly. I'm going to go save a different one. Jackie, always a pleasure. You're very swell. Where the hell is my daughter? She was with Chris last time I saw her. Now, if you could run along, I'm trying to stop an invasion. Where's Miss Shaw? Well, there was a threat that presented itself, and she went in there to deal with it, and, well, well, she's yet to come out, really. What's then going on? Happy with coward Miss Tyler. Go in there. That's an order, very well. Oh, I have told you already. I am not a pissing soldier. I refuse to be something I'm not. Miss Shaw isn't there doing her duty. You could be in there helping her, but you're too much of a pansy British bomb man who'd rather be banging Dora Bella in a post office than help. Who's bedroom is this, anyway? Back to surprised. All sorted. No thanks to you out there, Bracewell. I know you're living in here. I just didn't want to make it seem like you needed a man to save you. I didn't want to make you seem lesser for needing my help. Well done, Miss. And well done for not... Hey, ladies, are we still on for tonight? Oh, of course. We missed out for the world. Can't have everything, can you? Oh, Colin, wait. I heard through the grapevine that you were still looking for a scientific advisor. What? What? Oh, it's not even worth it. Right, it's time to deal with these all-time bodies. No. You're not having it. It's my transmitter now. I don't think they love my humour. The bastards learn to fight my sonic waves. Then just start finding the glop. Me and Jack will fight these things off. Was somebody kissing me? It's my favourite way to wake up. Like sleeping beauty or snow white. Nice height. Yes. Wait, what am I doing? God, I'm a beautiful idiot. Oh, fuck. What the hell? We have a basement. Let's not date. The ones and kids are... Broads of basement. What do we know? Basically, what it's used for is a great big dump. Doctors, companions, even writers use this place. Everything unwanted always ends up here. Better keep an eye out for Adam Mitchell, then. Good right. Oh, that's what. What? Oh, no, that's Smith's green variant. This is a weird variant. That's new. There are one of these doors. It's one that's cursed enough. You can't... ...dead for the famous middle class. Now they'll see the real... Oh, look at this. Before it became dear to me, it was even a verdict in her words. If you are unpenning. No, it's not good for Amy that she got two lines on that. Yeah. Not props, I get it. Gosh. You can wait here if you want. Why? Wait, it could be... ...could be dangerous. Er, yeah. All the more reason for me to back you up. Come on, what's the plan? That's my rules. Right, here's the plan. We go in there and we stall. After this, in my pocket, cancels out the nesting signal. I'll leave it defenseless. Do you not have that anti-plastic like last time? Wouldn't it be a simple world if I did? Hmm. Right, so how long will that take to cancel it out? Not a clue. It's still struggling to get through this other mystery signal. You carry. Where the power of the state was never the safest when filming, there's a lot of dealers. Oh, dear, dear, dear. Poor Susan. No need to panic, Susan will be fine. Then where is she? Really, the real Susan? Well, we are working on it currently. Excellent people skills as ever, Brigadier Baker. Sir, we are doing everything in our power to get your real granddaughter back. Hmm, is that right? Then what are you doing, dear boy? My dear, we'll take any further questions as he is in charge in the matter. Let me make a call. Eccleston has no doubt gotten somewhere by now. Hang on, you've only numbered the whole bloody time. And not a moment to breathe to call it. Hush, I've got one phone. What's wrong? Too much interference. Give me a moment. Rolls-Tar. Come and visit the thing that's been giving us all this grief. The BBC or Big Finish decide to pay me. Well, I understand the confusion. Now, I'm here under a peaceful contract. Under an Article 15 of the Shadow Proclamation. This dimension. So how did you get here? The Time War. Seems like I'll know more than you might imagine. But anyway, so the Daleks and the Time Lords keep messing up your planet to the point where you need to evacuate. I got that. Makes sense. But it doesn't explain how you got here, does it? By whom? That son sounds like a complete twat. Let's go punch him in the face. Save day now. Punting later. So, Nesteen, no chance you just want to... bugger off home? Other Doctor Who road is one thing, but taking over the entire planet, it's beyond you in this state. No thanks. I mean, rather not. You've got past the initial signal now to co- Revenge. Like you said, we're primitives. We don't pose a threat to you. Where's the conquest in that? Where's the honour? But, what if I said we could get you home with your new famed army to take down the Daleks and the Time Lords? Yeah, I mean, with the amount of plastic you've gathered here, it's like, you can wipe out the Daleks and the Time Lords easily. And to us, you know, they're like fictional and stuff, so we don't give a shit. He thinks we're not capable. That's a bit offensive. Look, we've done it multiple times at this point, and I can prove it. You're attached to Benton, aren't you, Nick? Get in the check-out cameras. I know you're in our time, but do you want to get a drink after this? You're really attractive, and I already use a lot of plastic things to get me off. You're getting somewhere with this. And if Rose is in danger, I'm going to kill you. Please, you have to believe us. We didn't know the time signal was in the field with you. What we said, it's true. We don't want to hurt you. It was just insurance. I wasn't going to use it. So this is not where we're all knocked out and shoved in here. So that's where you lot have been hiding. So as I couldn't just get rid of the other one, maybe they need the psychic link to keep the copy working. Anyway, sorry. Right, let's go. So, that's what happened. The nesting is... dead. Fantastic work, both of you. And you know, Chris, the role of the doctor is still open here at UNIT. No. It's not for me. With Smith dropping out as well, I have no decent candidates. It doesn't make me want to join your little fan club anymore. Fan club? Oh, Jesus. This is what I was like, wasn't it? Oh, should have seen that coming. That's on me. She couldn't... And she didn't. And is standing right here and has ears and can hear and stuff. Yeah, let's not forget. Everyone in this room would be dead, including you, including me. If Rose wasn't there, I'm proud of her. I'm not convinced. I meant what I told you earlier. You're the world to me, Rose. And I'm not gonna lose her again. You promised me ten minutes to cut this convo, sure? You are your sexy mouth. This has been the worst birthday ever. No one even got me a balloon. I'll stand corrected. What did she mean by that? By what? As in you being lost again. Like you've been lost before. I don't know. I mean, sometimes my memory goes a bit funny, sure, but... I mean, I feel like I'll remember going missing. Perhaps I can clarify something. You see, the Brigadier like to keep things very secretive here a unit. And I agreed with that starts. And I still do for most of the classified documents. But Rose, you're not who you think you are. What are you talking about? I know exactly who I am. I'm Rose Tyler, Billy Piper, the blonde sexy one from series one, two and four. So good brought me back. Winston, you explained earlier that there was a strange secondary signal that was interfering with your sonic device. One that you didn't know the origin of. Memory signal deactivated. Oh, Rose!