 The Abaddon Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel a first with you too. Find out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms of Freddie Rich and his orchestra, the swingy singing of Connie Haynes. And that lad whose message loud and clear each Thursday rings into your ear. All right, Costello, Costello, come here, you're all excited. I like me. I'm all excited. What's the thing you've got there? It looks like a telegram. Where did you get it? Oh, a fellow in a long green underwear gave it to me. A fellow in a long green underwear? Yeah, he was wearing a Western Union suit. Ah, yeah, dummy, that was a... That was a messenger boy. And that's a telegram. What does it say? It doesn't say nothing, Abaddon. I can't see a thing. Well, you're dope. You haven't even opened the envelope. Oh, do you have to open it? I thought you were supposed to peek through this little window in the front. Give me that telegram. I'll read it. Hey, look, Costello, what? It's from your hometown. Paterson, New Jersey? Paterson, New Jersey. Oh, boy! Imagine, look, it says, Dear Louis Costello. Oh, yeah, Abaddon. What do you mean? What do you mean? L-O-U-S-C. That's my hometown. Quiet, Costello. This telegram is from your old grade school in Paterson. Public school, 15. Oh, boy. Good old P.S. 15. Alma mattress. No, no, no. You mean Alma matter. A mattress is something you lie on. I know. I laid around that school for 10 years. Well, what do they want with me, Abaddon? Well, the telegram goes on to say, Let's see now. We are proud of you, Mr. Costello, when the whole school greatly be honored if you would come to Paterson this Saturday night and appear in our annual school play, signed by the principal, J. Soiloff Wallpaper. How do you like that, Abaddon? Boy, oh boy. I knew my old school would send for me someday. Sure they would. I was always the hero of my school. I'll never forget Coach Abel Green. What do you mean? And those kids I played with, Michael Varelo. What do they do? Those were the kids. We had a real team in that. I was even the captain of the tug-of-war team. Wait a minute. What did you do on the tug-of-war team? I was the second jerk from the end. Yes, yes, but I can't... I don't get that. I don't either. Look, I can't understand why that school would send for you to appear in a play. What do you know about grammar? About what? Do you understand grammar? No, not since she got her new false teeth. No, no. Even grandpa can't understand her. No, Castel. Castel, I'm talking about dramatic acting. Did you ever do anything dramatic in school? Oh, did I? I used to get up and I used to excite poetry. You did? Get a load of this little gem, which I wrote myself. Let's hear it. And roses are red and violets are purple. Sugar is sweet and so is maple syrup. I will. Come on. Maple syrup. It rhymes, don't it? Well, what about it? But maple syrup. What is that? What is maple syrup? What is maple syrup? Maple syrup is the stuff you put on flannel cakels. Okay, look. I'll talk sense now. If you're going to Paterson, New Jersey, we've got to get down to the railroad station right away. Come on. Okay, come on. All right now, Castel. Let's get our tickets for Paterson. We've got to find a comfortable place to sleep on the train. Oh, I never have any trouble at it. I've got a system. I need garlic before I get on a train. What has garlic got to do with finding a place to sleep? I just breathe in a conductor's face and he gives me a wide berth. I'll be sensible. Well, here's the ticket, Winder. I beg your pardon, sir. We're going to Paterson. Could you tell us how the trains run? Oh, yes. There's a big black thing that pulls them and it goes choo-choo and woo-hoo. This guy's been drinking too much of that travelers' aid. Look. Look. You better let me handle this, Castel. I think I'd better because I lost my place. All right, never mind that. Look, in order to say... Say, hello, come here. I've got a money. All right, look, I'll take care of everything. Don't worry about a thing. In order to save money, I think we'd better get a couple of upper berths. Oh, but I don't want an upper. I want a lower. But, Castel, do you realize that if you buy a lower, you'll find it's much higher than an upper? Oh, sure. I mean, after all, any... What'd you say? I said that a lower is higher than an upper. A lower is higher than an upper? Why, certainly. Well, what are they doing? Running the trains upside down? Of course not. The lower is a more desirable bird. Therefore, if you want to go lower, you'll have to go higher. If I want to go lower, I'll have to go higher. Why should I go higher when I want to go lower? Simply because if you want to go lower, you have to go higher. Because the lower is higher than the upper. And the reason the lower is higher than the upper is because the upper is higher up than the lower. The lower because the lower is higher than the upper. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Castell, I'm trying to tell you that they sell the upper lower than the lower because when you sleep in an upper, you have to get up to go to bed. I have to get up to go to bed. That's right. You are. And there ain't going to be anybody in it with me? No. Then why do I have to get up? Castell, look, I've already explained it. Unless you go higher for a lower, then you're stuck with an upper. And you'll have to get up when you go to bed. You'll have to get down when you want to get up. Abbot, what? Let me smell your breath. Oh! Would you like to do me a... Well, I was just about to say do me a favor, but actually I should say do yourself a favor. Or maybe do your throat and your taste a flavor. Let them judge for themselves which cigarette best agrees with them. Let them answer the question you have so often asked yourself about which cigarette is best for you. Let your throat try camel's kind, cool mildness. Let your taste sample at rich, full flavor. Because your T-zone, that's T for taste and T for throat, can tell you more about camels in one puff than I can in ten programs. C-A-E-L-S. Camels, a superb blend of costlier tobaccos. Freddie Rich plays a hip tune of today, but for many of you it is also a hit of other years. Freddie revives sweet and lovely. Good old Paterson New Jersey. Yeah, Abbott. And here's my old school. P.S. 15. As I stand here looking at this old building, I think of the happy days I spent here as a boy. How long do you go to school, Castello? You mean counting kindergarten? Yes. One year. Come on, let's find the principal's office and see what time we start rehearsing for the school play tonight. Hey, what do you mean? What time we start rehearsing? Not we, me. This is my old school, not yours, Abbott. What do you mean? I'm going to do this play all by myself. I don't need your help. All right, Castello. Haven't I always given you the best of everything? Why, last Sunday when we had a double date, I gave you the best girl. What a slick little number you had. Slick number is right. I bent her back on my arms and her hair slid off. All right, look, look. Just cut that out, Castello. Wait a minute. I think this is the principal's office right here. No, no, no. Not that room. What do you mean? No, that room is where they have the art class. What do you mean? That's where I learned to draw, Abbott. You did? I was a wonderful drawer. My kid brought a Sebastianist in there now. He's studying to be a drawer, too. Well, that'll be nice. Just think of it. The Castello Brothers. A pair of drawers. Look, never mind that. Where is the principal's office? Oh, I don't quite remember, Abbott. But look, look, here's my old first grade room. First grade room? Yeah. Well, why don't you go in and say hello to your old teacher? Oh, I don't think Miss Sashwaite would remember me. I wonder if she's as fat as she used to be. Why, was she very fat? Yeah. Every time she turned around, she used to erase the back blackboard. I said it! All right, all right. Well, go ahead. Open the door and see if she remembers you after all these years. Okay, boy, will she be surprised to see me. Yes? Don't you remember me? I'm Lou Castello. Oh, and where were you all day yesterday? Yesterday? I haven't been here for 15 years. If you're absent one more day, you'll have to bring a note from your mother. Just a minute, Miss Sashwaite. I'm Lou Castello. Don't you remember how 15 years ago, I always used to pester you by raising my hand? Yeah, you can go now. Jesus, Sashwaite. She's changed. I remember when she used to keep me at the school to spank her erasers. All right, look, come on, Castello. Here's the principal's office right over here. And you'd better let me talk to him. He's a very brilliant man. Go ahead. How do you do, sir? Are you Professor Wallpaper, the principal? Oh, yeah. Oh, you can always tell a Harvard man. Professor, I understand you want Castello to appear in your school play tonight. Yeah, just a minute. I got the telephone tangled in my yo-yo. Now, if you follow us, we're looking for the rehearsal of the play. It's right in the next room. Oh, all right. Come on, Castello. Love you too, Rodney. Kiss me, my sweet. Oh, hey, you two, cut that out. Shh, wait a minute. Don't stop them, Castello. That's wonderful acting. They're not acting. That's the janitor and the fourth-grade teacher. Oh, this is ridiculous. Can anybody tell us where they're rehearsing the play, please? Right in the next room. Just ask for the English teacher. He's in charge. Thanks. Oh, I love you, Millicent, my darling. I love you too, Rodney. Kiss me, my sweet. I get it. They've been doing that for 15 years. Why don't they get together? Well, she won't marry him when he's drunk and he won't marry her when he's sober. The teacher, I'm a dandy. Castello, don't tell me that you're teaching in this school too. Devoting my whole life to teaching the little kid is how to speak perfectly the king's angles. Yes, yes, I went to one of the most famous colleges in England. Eaton? Yeah, Eaton and Drinkham. Had a wonderful time. I was in London once. I met a beautiful girl on the street one day. Piccadilly? I certainly did. I don't get it. Look, Kitzel, I understand you're directing the school play tonight. Yes, I am, my friend. You know my whole family was dramatic coaches. My grandfather was a coach. My father was a coach. My uncle was a coach. Oh, I come from a long line of coaches. And what are you, the caboose? Gentlemen, I'll see you tonight at the play. Now I must get back to my pupil. Just a minute, Kitzel. Just a minute. Is my kid brother Sebastian in your English class? Is that little Sebastian your brother? Woohoo, he's the upright little chappy. You know, he is speaking the best English from the whole school. Just a second, I'll call him Sebastian. Hello. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Professor Kitzel just told me that you're the best English pupil in his whole class. Is that true? And a lovely song together. There is a wonderful triumph of modern science, but as yet we haven't found out how to broadcast the flavor of a cigarette over a microphone. Only your own taste can tell you which cigarette you like best. And only your own throat can tell you which cigarette likes you best. So why not give your T-zone, that's T for throat and T for taste, a chance to judge the cigarette it likes best. Give your taste a chance to try the rich, full flavor of camel's blend of costlier tobaccos. Give your throat the chance to try camel's kind, cool mildness. Like millions of smokers, you too may find that your cigarette is... C-A-M-E-L-S. Camels, let them tell their own story to your own T-zone today. Castello, Castello, the audience is waiting for you. You've just been introduced to open this door. What? Sebastian, what are you doing in your brother's makeup and his costume? What is the meaning of this? Louis has disappeared. Disappeared? But don't worry, Uncle Pud. What do you mean? I'm going, we'll never know the difference. I put on this big, put on my nose, this big, putty nose. But Sebastian, you've got the putty down over the end of your nose. How are you going to smell? All right, unless they turn on the heat. Look, Sebastian, what are you going to do when you get out on that stage? I'm going to tell them a story about Romeo and Juliet. And it was written by William Shakespeare, a very great ether. Ether? You mean Alta? Ether puts people to sleep. That's what the story's going to do. Well, all right, as long as Louis isn't here, I suppose you'll have to do it. Okay, come on, hurry up. The curtain's going up. Come on, there you are. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm about to tell you the story of Romeo and Juliet. Now, I don't want any interruptions from you, Uncle Abbot. My big brother told me how you interrupt him. But don't interrupt me. Tell a story. Don't give me that. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. I lost my place like my big brother now. Romeo, what did this Romeo look like? I got out of that one. Well, all right, what did he look like? What did he look like? Then why do you tell stories about people you don't even know? Nobody knows Romeo, dictionary characters. Oh, you mean he's just a person in fancy? In fancy. In fancy what? In fancy nothing. That's a good way to catch stories. All right, go ahead. I won't say any more. Okay. All right, go ahead. Once upon a time, there was a fellow named Romeo, and he was his father's only son. Well, that's right. He was his father's heir. His what? His father's heir. His father had it. All right, go ahead. Now, don't interrupt me. All right, go ahead. I was given a big party, you know, to kind of sort of shubber into society. Oh, yeah, you mean she was making her debut? I don't know if it was a debut or her night view. All I know, it was her first party, and a lot of people was invited to see her. And stuff. And things. Well, you see, the folks were coming in to her coming out party. How can you come in to come out? She was inside already. Naturally, she had to come in to come out. She was inside. This was an outdoor affair. All right. All right. This was inside. I know that. You told me that. All right. Well, if people are going to talk. Look, Sebastian, you don't understand. Why don't you stay home? Look, you don't understand, Sebastian. I said stay home, yeah. Now, listen, please. You want me to tell you a big brother on you? Anybody got loggers? Listen, please. Look, the party brings her out. The party brings her out. That's right. Why should they do? No, no, no, no, no, no. The party can make her out. No, you don't understand. Why don't they leave the letter? Ah, now, Sebastian. She wasn't drinking. But Cust... Listen, Sebastian. She had one pot. Now, Sebastian. Okay. All right, all right, all right, all right. You lost again. All right. Go on with the story. Well, look. Look, wasn't Romeo invited to this party? Look longer. Look, wasn't Romeo invited to this party is what I want to know. Wasn't he? Oh, sure. Oh, that... You, Mr. Bernard. Ah, come on, Sebastian. Juliet's father didn't like Romeo, so he borrowed another guy's clothes and he went away. Oh, Romeo went in disguise. Yes. He didn't like each other. Yeah. Which family brought on the feud? They... Why is he... He looked Juan. Oh. I said, he looked Juan. Don't you know what Juan is? Yeah. Juan is the number before two. Juan means picket. Romeo was picket. Yes. Now, Sebastian. Picket out of her mouth. There, Sebastian. Would you please go on with the play? Well, anyway, every night, Juliet used to sit on the balcony. Why did she sit in the balcony? Because she couldn't afford a seat in the orchestra. All right. All right. You know, I... Up there, she could smoke. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand. Put her feet on the ramp. Yes, yes. Go on. Go ahead. So far, so good. Go ahead. One night, I hope I can hold out. One night, Juliet and Romeo picked it up and handed it to her. And what did Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? She'd done like anybody else. What? What? What? Just what... Well, you know what I mean. Wait, do you know the story, don't you? Oh, yes, she... Well, what did Juliet do when Romeo handed her the handkerchief? You know, like they always... What did she do? It's your line. All right. But look, Sebastian, as I remember the story, Romeo had a rival and they fought a duel with Lances. Now, what I can't understand is why did the other fellow kick Romeo when Romeo dropped his lance? Because he caught Romeo with his lance down. Yeah, well, look, that's enough, Sebastian. Stop the play. Stop it. I say, ladies and gentlemen, the play is over. Bring down the curtain. Sebastian, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Not only have you disgraced your brother Lou, but you stand there and make a monkey out of a great masterpiece. You ridicule Romeo and Juliet, the greatest love story of all time, and you deliberately instill the name of William Shakespeare. Why do you do these wicked things? I'll say you're a bad boy. Yes, associate with... You certainly are. Now, come here. Now, where is your brother Lou? I think he might be in the fourth grade classroom, Uncle Bud. What makes you think that? Because I locked him in there before the show. Sebastian, unlock that door and let your brother out. He's probably in there crying his eyes out because he missed the play. Go on, open that door. Go ahead. Do you, Millicent, my darling? Castello. Castello. What are you doing making love with a fourth grade teacher? You know she's the Jadon's girl. You're telling me, Abbot, and I'm the new janitor. But you missed the whole play. Oh, don't worry, Abbot. Millicent and I are gonna put on another play tomorrow night. Another play? Yeah, and I'm calling it the girl who eloped with the new janitor or gone with the window cleaner. I love you too, Millicent. My sweet. Oh! Give me Castello. We'll be back in a moment. Thanks to the Yanks of the Week, tonight we salute technical sergeant, George James H. Logan of Luling, Texas, who has one of only two men in this war to receive both the Congressional Medal of Honor and the Distinguished Service Cross. In your honor, Sergeant James M. Logan, the makers of camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the three camel radio shows honors a Yank of the Week by sending free 400,000 camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than four million Yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week are rebroadcasts to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Jimmy Durratti and Gary Moore. Monday to Bob Hawkin thanks to the Yanks. And next Thursday to Abed and Castello. And before we hear from the boys, I'd like to say the merchant marine needs more men to man the supply lines to victory and to eligible men. It offers not only a well-paid and worthy present, but a splendid future. In six months time now you can make the progress it would have taken you three years to make before Pearl Harbor. Get all the facts. Go to any United States Employment Service Office or wire collect to the United States Merchant Marine, Washington, D.C. Now, here are Bud and Lou Costello with a final word. Thanks, Ken. But it's getting a little late so all we'll have time to say is just good night, folks. And good night to everybody. Good night to... Bye, Bonds. Bye, Bonds. Good night, folks. Good night, neighbors. Good night, neighbors. Good night, neighbors. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abed and Castello show. And remember, try camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how camels, mildness, coolness and flavor click with you. People are a hermit living in some lonely cave. Don't listen to this because you're one of the few men in the world who can pack his pipe with any old tobacco he pleases and get away with it. But if you want your pipe to make a hit with people around you as well as yourself, then load up with Prince Albert. That wonderful fragrance that aged in the wood aroma gives your pipe real pipe appeal to other folks as well as yourself. Besides that fragrance, Prince Albert has a rich, full-bodied, yet mild flavor. It's no bite of tongue gentleness. It's crimp cut to pack, draw and burn perfectly. And what a bargain. Just about 50 pipe bowls in one regular two-ounce package. More pipes smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the world. The Abominant Costello Show for Camel Cigarettes will be back at this very same time next week. Don't miss it. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood. Wishing you a pleasant good night. This is the...