 to just pour into you. We're talking about marriage, Anna Schmidt, and here with Tom Hollis. Did you say Anna Schmidt? I sure do. We'll be talking about that in a second. Well, talking about marriage, you know, all of us who have been married for a while, you know, you go through the ups and downs, but what if there was a way, and we'll be talking to Dr. Don Welch, who's written a book called The Responsive Marriage, but when we, what if there was a way that there'd be no fights, you know, full choice and voice expression, being fully understood, constantly positive? I mean, this is a dream, right? Well, he's gonna share with us a lot of the techniques and principles of what it means to have that responsive marriage rather than a reactive marriage. And by the way, speaking of marriage. Yes, yes. Yeah, I'm just so thankful for the opportunity to share with you the announcement that today is my first day back since I got married to Dennis Schmidt, and we have some pictures to show you of our grand celebration. As you can see, Miss Sydney, right down in front, and a bunch of my girlfriends around me just praying and anointing me with God's blessing and just the start of the ceremony coming down. This is just praying we worship. This was a celebration of all that God has done. And as you look through the pictures, I just want to share just the true celebration behind the reality of what God has done, that God is faithful to his promises, to redeem, to restore, to rebuild. And I know that likely many of you watching today, you might be battling something that the enemy is just trying to take away your joy, your peace, your life. And remembering that God is God Almighty, that he is the conqueror over everything that Satan has taken away, and that God is also the lover of your soul and he fights for you to restore and revive and to make all things new and beautiful in its time. Congratulations, first of all. Congratulations. And it is a blessing to see what God has done. It is wonderful. Praise the Lord. Look what the Lord has done. It has done. It's fantastic. So moving forward, I will be Anna Schmidt. Well, good to have you on the show, Anna Schmidt. Yes, thank you. And so we also, of course, have Meaningful Monday for you, just some more good news. And so let's have our Meaningful Monday. Well, when Jesus said that he came for the salvation of the entire world, he meant it. And the chosen has been making an impact for the kingdom of God since it first released in 2017. Now, data is showing that it's not just viewers who are already saved that are watching the show, but that non-Christians are hearing the message of the gospel through the hit show. Well, according to Christian headlines, data has shown that about half of the show's viewers are Christians, but that the other half are not. The vice president of original content with the chosen, Catherine Warnock, told Christian headlines the other half were either curious about Christianity or just no Christian faith. And we were deeply surprised by that. Well, Warnock also said that the data confirmed that the show was gaining attention from both men and women alike. And while older generations and millennials continue to make up a large fan base of the show as well, the content has also caught the attention of Gen Z. They say to see the younger generation, but also the non-Christian faith audience come to the table has been a joy, Warnock said. Thanks to Charisma for the story. Tom, the chosen is making quite the splash. I know, and I love the story because I love the idea that people who may not go to our churches, and listen, we invite everyone to go to church every Sunday, but if there are people out there that may not come, they may not go to the church, but they will turn on the chosen. And I saw, I mentioned this before on the show, I saw Jonathan Rumi on The View. Okay, you can see it on YouTube. And when he walks out, it's like a spiritual thing for people, you know, he looks so much like Jesus still, of course. And, but a couple of the hosts were talking about how important it was to them. The chosen has made an impact. It's just another way of touching lives with the gospel. Absolutely, it's been incredible to hear all the feedback that the show has brought. It's fantastic, I love it. Well, when God created man and woman, his intention was for the man to leave his parents and to find a wife. God's design for marriage is a gift and a blessing and he wants our marriages to succeed. He really does. The enemy, however, has a different agenda and our next guest has the perfect medicine to combat him. Dr. Donald Welch is the founder of the Welch Family Therapy Institute and he's written a new book called The Responsive Marriage, Finding the Path Out of Reactivity. Dr. Don, welcome to Hope Today. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you for having me, Tom and Anna and congratulations, Anna, to you. This is a thrill. What a wonderful, wonderful gift. And now it's Anna Schmidt, if I understand to all of your listeners and those who support you on your show here, it's so great to meet both of you. And it is true, isn't it? John 10-10 tells us, and you were suggesting that just a moment ago, that the devil comes to kill, steal and destroy marriages in particular, because this is of the image of God, but Jesus says that I've come that you might have life and have it to the full. And that's what this book is all about, trying to help marriages have a God-driven, God-led, God-followed relationship with him and then with each other. So God bless you and your husband, Dennis, I believe, you said in your new marriage, what a wonderful joy for me to be on your show the day that you come back as a married woman in God's eyes and his leadership. I do talk about that in the book. There are different types of marriages and we want a covenantal marriage. So thank you for having me. Well, Dr. Don, it is really good to have you and we're only gonna be able to touch, there is so much in this book and I really recommend anyone who wants to see God do new things in their marriage, the response of marriages, there's so much in here. But let me ask you just to start with the title. Explain about responsiveness versus reactivity. Could you define those for us and what does it mean to be responsive rather than reactive? Yes, thank you, Tom. I define as involuntary, uncontrolled relationship and peating behaviors that originate from the feeling part of our brain known as the limbic system. And because they originate from the feeling part of the brain rather than the thinking part, they are largely outside of our conscious awareness and this is what makes reactivity so insidious. We're often not even aware we are rolling our eyes, sighing and in desperation, turning away from our spouse or acting in other ways that tend to create distance. My wife and I, we've often taught classes, seminars, conferences and what we'll ask a couple is to say any of you ever been in a disagreement with your spouse and then you're kind of fighting and then all of a sudden you both stop or one of you stops and says, where did we start? What are we fighting about? I don't even know what we're fighting about. And oftentimes that originates from the unconscious level. We're not aware of it. And then there's that reactivity. The entire book tries to help all of us because we all have reactivity to be able to be responsive instead of reactive. In fact, the Bible teaches us in Philippians four, six and seven, be anxious for nothing. Many of us have it memorized, be anxious for nothing but in everything, you know, in prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving, let your request. We know that scripture and then it says as Paul was in prison writing to the people at Philippi that he will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. And so the heart of the feelings, that's what comes out first. It happens before we realize, like if we were to touch a hot stove, our hand reflexes before our brain actually knows it's hot. It's a split second form of protection. So what's the source of that reactivity? I mean, why do we react? I mean, even as Christians with the spirit of God living inside of us, you would think that we would want to respond rightly and all those things we know we should have in our character. Why do we react? Yeah, I'm a trauma specialist so I work with people who are traumatized. We all have some level of trauma in us. So for example, if you were a bit by a dog as a little child and you love dogs but up to that point and it really hurt and you cried and you really said you saw another dog and you had a reaction to it. I'm now scared and if I have a continued reaction we reinforce it until that reactivity becomes active in an adult life. So that's what happens early on in our development in development, theorists would say from about, as an embryo, you know, God created us in his image and from the very conception that we are then creating in his image but we take in the world from up to age about six and it's quite phenomenal what happens in those early developmental years and then even later, those come out from you. Yeah, so Dr. Don, how do we start to grow in self-awareness of the places where we might react so that we can better respond instead of react? Yes, it's really important for a couple. My wife and I do this on a regular basis. It's important for a couple to involve both feelings and thoughts. A feeling might be, oh, when I experience you saying that that way, that when I experience that I feel afraid, cornered and scared. So I'm naming my feelings from the past that may be, we do this, you know, being grounded and trying to stay in the present. We try to help couples discover what those feelings and thoughts are. Couples often leave out the feelings and they just talk about their experiences, their perception, and usually their perceptions are different. And if I can get young couples just like Anna, you and your husband, you know, when you're working on just the development of your marriage and Tom, thank you, you mentioned that you talked with your wife about some of the concepts. Last evening I said with your wife just about the concept of if we can help a couple include both feelings and thoughts, they can have more choice and choice and voice is the key to trust. God allows us to do that with him on a daily basis. In fact, Paul said, never to pray without seizing. He wants to hear from us on a daily moment by moment basis. God does, and in our marriages, it should be the same. What is the, I mean, a lot of people will probably have a lifetime couples, maybe of suppressing these, you know, the need for managing the reactivities. What happens when we don't manage, you know, when we just let loose our reactivities? It's a great, great question, Tom. Actually, then the couple becomes highly reactive and that's why so many couples are yelling at each other, screaming. They have developed, we call them defense mechanisms, ways that I cope with as a child. And it might be that I just stonewall, I walk away, which is pretty common in a relationship instead of staying present. Sometimes we need to take a moment to calm down our system now in our Olympic system. But a lot of times people develop lots of defense mechanisms that keep us from one is regression, regression instead of digression, regression is something is said to me and then I digress back to an earlier childhood stage. And so I have this Olympic system reactivity toward the other person. For example, have you ever seen anyone on the freeway? And they were yelling, I remember when my wife was, she had cancer, she's clear. Actually, it's a miracle story. We won't tell it today, but it's a absolutely miracle state that oncologist said in my 25 years, I've never seen this. Let's pray because we're all Christians. But I was driving away from the hospital and someone was screaming at me next to me. I think I was stunned by what was going on with my wife. And I looked over at that person and they were screaming and the person was about my age. And he was acting like he was about a six-year-old and I wondered if he had regressed back to an earlier stage of development. And I needed to learn how to drive better. I don't think I was driving very well. I was leaving the hospital. Well, let me ask you another angle on this. In society today, it's very, very common. People live together, premarital sex is there. How does this impede proper relationship development living together, premarital sex? Again, very common in our society now would not have been that way two or three generations ago, but it is that way now. What's this doing to impede relationship development? It's epidemic and it's quite catastrophic for the couple, especially for women. One of the reasons is a scientific biological issue. When there is the full intimacy between a couple that what can happen is there are bonding neurons, hormones that take place. And that's a present and actually oxytocin. Those are bonding hormones. So it bonds the couple together and then if they don't marry, they go to another relationship. They're not able to bond as well. But there was a study in 2019 that found the odds for a divorce to be 1.31 times higher for women. And these studies have all concluded that a couple who cohabitates before marriage has a greater chance of divorcing after marriage. These are secular research materials that tell us on this particular topic. You talk about the quest for intimacy. And so to jump off of the idea of let's live together, the sex as intimacy, but there's so much more to the definition of intimacy. Can you unpack that? Oh, yes. Yes, this idea of intimacy is so, so important. There's a quest when you think about it that every person on the planet desires intimacy. And when you think about this, we crave and search for it, because there's a longing that emanates from the image of God. When you think of the Trinity, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, they have this intimate relationship and God created us to have intimacy with him. He also created us to seek intimacy with others. But unfortunately, this quest for intimacy can cause us to pursue counterfeit and try to get it. But God designed marriage as a place for us to experience an abundance of intimacy. And this book is all about how to get it, how to restore it, and how to enjoy it in marriage. Dr. Don, with people who are watching, maybe they're saying, hey, this sounds familiar. This sounds a little bit like how I've lived my life. How my marriage has gone. What would you say to that person out there? Could you just speak to that person that is watching who maybe has lost hope for true intimacy or proper relationships in their marriage? Could you just speak to them and give them hope today that God is and can work in their situation? Oh, yes, that's a sense of hopelessness. And there are so many, so many couples that are deeply, deeply hurting. And I'm so sorry to hear that. And those of you who may be listening, when you think about it, the only way I can fully explain this, it comes from the word of God. And when you think about it, the God that we serve the God of all hope who is described in Romans 4.17 as giving life to the dead and calling things into existence that do not exist. And I would encourage you to perhaps, if you have not already, to talk with your pastor, think of also a professional therapist. I'm an ordained minister and a mental health provider licensed. And that oftentimes really healing takes place inside the church, the ecstasy of the call out ones, the ones that gather together in the name of Jesus. And then to perhaps a Christian psychotherapist who understands couples and is able to help. That's why I hope that that might be helpful because there's lots of work involved and lots of Jesus's restorative power needed when we're at that place. I'm sorry to hear that, but there are likely those who are listening today. Yeah, it is certainly something that is in our society. Let me just ask you this and there's so much more. We're only touching, I have to tell everybody, we're just scratching the surface of what the wisdom that Dr. Don has. Again, the book is available there of the response of marriage. And it's something that you really want to get your hands on, but you say that lasting change never occurs with inactivity. Can you explain what that means? Yes, when we think about, Jesus is always our example with all of these questions and they're terrific questions that you're asking is that Jesus said, I'll never leave you, never forsake you, I am coming to you. Isn't that beautiful to hear? He's always searching, it says the Holy Spirit, praise on behalf in groanings that words cannot even utter. God is always moving toward us. So the most healthy of marriages or even relationships for that matter, some may be listening that are in a relationship, not yet in a serious one, is that the fact is we want to take initiative in a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage means that I take initiative. Maybe I said something just to my precious wife, Robin, she's the precious person in my life and she's my, really, I would call her when we say a soul mate. And I said something to her and immediately I apologized to her, I said, I did not mean to come across how I just came across and learning to take initiative, it's so important in relationship, just as Jesus does with us. And the other thing is take the initiative to pray for your meat and to think of that person and to pray that I will see God, I will see to be, I will see this person in the eyes of Jesus, how Jesus sees this person, that can really, really, terrifically help relationship. Thank you so much, Dr. Don. The book is called Responsive Marriage, Finding the Path Out of Reactivity by Dr. Donald Welch. Dr. Don, thank you so much. Again, a good discussion, so much more to talk about and so much more in the book, but thank you. Thank you, Tom and Anna for having me on your beautiful show. God bless and have a wonderful day. You too. Well, a great discussion coming up, we're gonna have a scripture and ministry just for you right after this. Discover what God's word has to say about healing and deliverance. Bestselling author John Eckhart makes topical Bible study easy with his new book, scriptures for faith, deliverance and healing. This handy reference is for those who wanna have a greater understanding of healing and deliverance to incorporate God's word into their prayers. Eckhart also includes targeted commentary to highlight key scriptures and life application. His spirit-filled perspective will enhance your time in God's word and encourages the spiritual disciplines of memorization and meditation. Request scriptures for faith, deliverance and healing as our thank you gift when you support Cornerstone Television this month. Request your copy today. If you want to strengthen the ministry of CTVN, share your best gift by visiting us online at ctvn.org slash donate or call us at 888-665-4483. Thank you for your partnership. Hope happens here. Or so glad that you have stayed with us here on Hope Today as we talk about the very important subject of marriage and all of God's plans and promises that he has for husbands and wives. We wanna look at the scripture from Matthew 19, four through six, where it says, "'Haven't you read?' he replied, "'But at the beginning, the Creator made them male "'and female and said, "'For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother "'and be united to his wife, "'and the two will become one flesh.' "'So they are no longer two but one flesh. "'Therefore, what God has joined together "'let no one separate.'" And Tom, thinking about this scripture, we know that the enemy is after marriages today. We see so many attacks, so many faithful Christian couples even struggling to remain as one in what God has brought together. And I love this scripture. There's so much that could be unpacked, but I think about how God did design it that the man and woman would leave and cleave together. And the one thing that Dennis and I have talked about and even we've studied together is how God really does desire that we make the marriage, that we make our spouse the priority, like God first and then our spouse. And there's so many things in this world that can start to compete for that priority attention and to be intentional to keep that relationship, that marriage, that person as the priority. Well, there's two things. One is intentionality. That's super important that we are intentional about caring for the other person, serving the other person, loving the other person, forgiving the other person. But all those things are just Christian things. There are things that we do as Christians, right? Or we should, that we walk as servants to our brothers and sisters and the Lord, that we forgive when we are offended, that we don't give offense. And if we do offense, we ask for forgiveness. Those are things that mean to like, that's just sort of what it means to be a Christian, Anna, to walk in these things that we are different from what the world says. We're different from the way the world lives their life, that we're not gonna be reactive, that we're not gonna just let our limbic system take over and just react, I know I've been there, my limbic system can take over for sure. But we wanna have all that in control through Christian character and through the power of the Holy Spirit. Yeah. Yeah, I wanna talk too into the marriages out there today who are in that place of hopelessness. And as Dr. Dawn shared that God is the God who wants to restore life, who wants to restore hope in the places that feel dark and dead. And so we are called to fight for our marriages with everything that we can, with what is in our ability to be able to fight and then also to humble ourselves before Almighty God. Because there is so much that God wants to do and we have to realize that there's a lot that's not in our control and it's not in our power. And oftentimes when we have that hurt, when we have that trauma, when we have that anger and that resentment, there is this call to humble ourselves and to come before Almighty God and cry out to him and ask him to help you to see your spouse the way that God sees him with that tender love, to be able to ask for the Holy Spirit's power and help to forgive the things that feel unforgivable, to lean into the promises, into the life that God has given us. He sustains all things through his word. So get into his word today and know what he has declared for you, for your spouse, for your marriage because there is always great hope when God is in your midst. Thank you so much for joining us here on Hope Today. We pray that you have a strong day in the Lord. On tomorrow's Hope Today, ever struggle with how to pray or even what to pray for? Speaker and author Janet McHenry encourages you to discover a praying lifestyle that coincides with your God-given personality. Don't miss tomorrow's Hope Today. Cornerstone Television wishes to thank all our faithful viewers whose consistent prayers and financial support have made this program possible.