 I gave you my first rose, and I'm standing here giving you my last rose. Brian, will you accept this rose? 1,000%. I love you, and I will accept that rose. I love you, too. People want to talk to me all the time, especially with a book coming out. You and Brian are how things are going, and things are great with me and Brian, but they could be better. Can I just be honest about that? They could be better. And we're not struggling, we're not having a problem. Please don't create a headline about that. We could be better, and I want to be better. Did you know that Rachel Lindsay has an audio book that she narrated herself? Did you also know that you could listen to it for free? Yeah, you thought this was going to be an annoying ad poppin'. No, it's a come up. So, let's get to it. Audible is a leading provider of spoken word entertainment all at one place. They have the largest selection of audiobooks with their newest planned Audible Plus. You get full access to their popular Plus catalog. In addition to your audiobook credit, you get unlimited access to original entertainment and podcasts, guided fitness, meditation, and sleep tracks. With everything that you love and could ever hope to listen to all in one app, Audible is sure to become your playlist for life. And if you have yet to dive into Audible, you might just be in luck because you can actually sign up right now and get a 30 day free trial which gets you one Audible credit to use for the entire month. Use that on any title of your choosing. Could be Rachel Lindsay's Miss Me With That. Could be my book The Game of Desire or anything else under the sun. Furthermore, you get access to the Audible Plus catalog and things you put in your Audible library are yours to keep even if you choose not to stay on and get a membership. I've been a member now for four years so I see the perks and maybe after your 30 day trial, you'll see them too. Go to audible.com slash shan booty. Again, that's just audible.com slash shan booty. The link is in the info box or if you're in the U.S. and you prefer to text. Again, that's shan booty to phone number 500-500 and that's how you get started. It's really that easy. What's up? It's good to see you. Right? It's so good to see you. This is why I forced this to be in person even though it's irresponsible. No. Given the times. But I was like, I so selfishly enjoy our time together so much. I do too. And you did not force it. Okay, she didn't force it. Because I like the energy. And it's one selfishly just to see each other again. But two, we can vibe off one another. Let me just get this question out of the way. I know I said I was getting a little focused. What's the question? Because I just finished watching the bachelor's at season with Michelle. Michelle. Yes. When was the first time you and Brian had sex? Fantasy suites. Yeah? Yeah. Fantasy suites. Is everybody fucking in the fantasy suites? You're a fool if you're not. Okay. You got to test out the equipment. Okay. Let me tell you something. You're spending, it's nine weeks before you get to the fantasy suite. So think you're like kissing these men. You're going on these magical dates. You haven't had sex in nine weeks. You are ready. Like by the time you get in there, you're like, you just want to rip each other's clothes off. But is it back to back? As there's a day in between. That's fun. That's the whole problem on this podcast. It is fun. And it's liberating. And I think there's power in being able to say like, this is what I want. This is what I want to do. You get in the suite. There's like a bowl of condoms. Maybe some other little toys and goodies as well. I love how they really do honor that it's private. Yeah. Because nobody knows what happens in the fantasy suite. There's like the next day there, you guys are topless in bed. And you can insinuate whatever you want. That's a massage, honey. Yeah. No, it could really be anything. You see the door close and then the next day, you know, like you're extremely happy. So like you kind of know what went down. But also the conversation is so good. Because they strip the lights, they take all the mics down. And it's just you and that person for like 12 hours. What was fantasy suite sex like? Well, it happened more than once. Okay. Okay. And it was, I remember Brian was, he's going to kill me for saying this. I don't even think, I've never talked about it in detail. So let's go. Brian was ready to go the moment we were left alone. Like he like jumped me. And I remember I pushed him back and I was like, no, I have so many questions I want to ask me. And I pull out this legal pad and I had all these questions from my family because he had met my family at that point. So there were some issues that they wanted answered. And so I was like, okay, I want to ask these questions, questions that I had, just general questions, like credit score and stuff like that. And like what, how do you vote and your religion, all that. And, and he was like, okay, that's enough with the questions. I remember he snatched the thing out of me and not in a disrespectful way. It was just like, we both want this. And then all bets were off. It was absolutely amazing. Do you know how, okay, I'm digressing a bit. I have a three time rule. It's not always magical the first time. Right. And so I'll, I'll excuse that. And the second time maybe we're finding our rhythm. If by the third time it's not great, we got to go. Like if I really like you and I want it to be good. First time with Brian was exceptional. But really in true, like you said, I've had nine weeks of collecting information about each other. So he already knew a lot about you intimately. Not sexually though. But I would imagine that that would one, allow for you to be more comfortable asking questions. And two, just have a general sense of like, do you like aggressive? Do you want to be dominated? We talked about that. Oh, interesting. Nothing. He just guessed it. And I think, but I think we were also afraid to because you are, aren't alone prior to that time. And so he isn't going to assume that he's making it to the fantasy suite. So it probably would have been more on me to have that conversation. But when you detour from talking about your feelings and maybe the other man, the producers are going to say to you, let's get back on track. Save that those questions for later. So I never really thought about that until you said it. We never got to talk about the way we like to be sexed. So do you think that the culture that was set within the dynamic of the production continued on afterwards? So I want to kind of circle back to what you said about sex where talking about your sexual wants, needs, desires, it wasn't like the producer's desire. That was like, that's not what we're talking about right now. We need you to talk about this date with this dude. So because that wasn't encouraged, do you feel like it was more difficult to circle back once you were out of that environment to say, okay, let's reset our sexual relationship, even though it seemed like it went off with a bang or several bangs that night. It did go off of several bangs. We never reset. We never thought about it. And I think maybe that's where my lack, it took me a long time to develop and be comfortable about talking about things sexually just because of how I was raised. And so for me, there was a lot of shame in talking about it publicly. So we never had that conversation. We just, we were in sync from the beginning that we kind of just knew what the other one liked. And yeah, it worked out. Also, it was new. It was fresh. You know, like you're just so horny for each other. I just think that that controls it too. But it's interesting you say that because now as we're in real life and the honeymoon phase is over, we didn't have those conversations. And so like the newness wears off. And maybe if we had established that, maybe we would be, I guess, more understanding of what the other person needs rather than just doing what I want or what he wants. Yeah, I would say that there's a catch 22 with having that immediate chemistry. The beautifulness is that you just get this sense of like, wow. And the connection that you share. And then also two people always are going to ask about the first time. You get to tell this amazing story about like, oh my God, it was incredible the first night. No, we want to tell the story of like, so he missed. And called his mom. It was awkward. But what's great sometimes about those rough starts is it sets the tone right away to we got to work on this. Yeah. We got to talk about this. We have to reconfigure this. And as a result of that, you move forward with the energy that it's okay to course correct. Yeah. So when you start off great, now starting to, because as you, you know, like you said, either one, it's the difference in changes in relationship naturally over time. Two, it could be your body. Three, your kinks and things could evolve. It can become more difficult to bring up and course correct because you're like, this person feels like we just get each other. And if I tell them that we're not getting each other right now, how is that going to make them feel? Yeah. So when you realize two, Brian probably felt the pressure to really perform because there were still two other men left. So he probably was like, I got to give everything I've got. I got to show out. So she has no questions. And he did. And I didn't. I had no questions. Yeah. You go. Boy. All right. So the topic we're talking about today, which I am so in love with is let me start my quote actually. Oh, yes. I love it. My quote. Rachel just had an X factor. She was a triple threat. Brains, beauty, personality, great sense of humor. Brian, that's four. That's fine though. Everything on paper was top notch. She keeps me on my toes. She challenges me to be a better man. Triple threat, quadruple threat, all the things, making him a better person. And yet still societally, you're made to believe that's not enough. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Absolutely. That was Brian said that the first night we met on the Bachelorette. You're saying societally that that's not enough for me or for. No, that the idea that you can still be an incredible partner. Yes. Beautiful, successful, push your partner and you're expected to also be a porn star and a magical lover at the end of it. That there's. This mounting accident. That even though you're so much, it's still not enough. Yeah. And then there's this expectation that comes with that, that because you're great at certain things or many things that you're great at everything. Or because you're so strong in this, that you're strong in absolutely everything. And I think that there's this huge misconception, which for example, conversations Brian and I never had from the beginning, which honestly, I don't even know if we've, in therapy, in therapy before marriage, we talked a little bit about sex. Yeah. All about therapy. Good job. Beautiful story. We all, we did, we definitely talked about sex during that. But I think there's a big misconception with me because I am very dominant and I'm strong and I'm opinionated and I like to control a lot. I am not like that in the bedroom. I am. I don't. Wait a minute. I told sorry. Something just totally came to me. I took one of your tests. Brian had me take it. What test did you have Brian take? Was it sexual turn on triggers? It wasn't triggers. It was like kind of like maybe like who you are in the bedroom. What person? I feel like it would probably be that like are you the cat and mouse? Do you get turned on visually? Do you need environmental? It was that. It was the, it was the environmental thing because whatever it was, he was shocked and I can't remember what my results were. He was shocked that it was that and we were definitely total, total opposite. But I'm going all over the place but the point is that I am not that way in the bedroom. I have to control so much in my life that when it comes to the bedroom I like to be controlled. I like to be a little bit more submissive and I like for you to take charge. That's something that we had, we learned later in our relationship and I think he assumed that about me just because that's how I am in every other aspect of my life. And that's the thing too, I love that what you brought up is that as a black woman in particular there is so much responsibility that you are naturally expected to take on and as a wife there's so much responsibility naturally expected to take on that maybe this is one particular area that you don't really want the burden of pressure. I don't. I don't and it doesn't mean that I don't want it and I think that's something sometimes too it's like if you're not, if I'm not being that dominant it makes it feel like, that's not what you want. You don't want that right now. It's like no, that's not necessarily the case. So it's like as I'm, I feel like I'm in therapy right now. It's like as I'm sitting here talking to you I'm like these are conversations that we probably need to have more because the assumptions that come when it comes to the bedroom sometimes hinder the sexual relationship between the two. You know and then life also just gets in the way where you're just so busy and so exhausted that you focus on so many other things you prioritize other things that sex gets put on the back burner, you know, or you being this porn star in the bedroom gets put on the back burner and so sex isn't as exciting or as adventurous as it used to be or it can be at times. Do I love though that you say you're like and I'm okay with that? I am okay with that. Because you know what a question I used to get or that assumption was that I was Brian and I were freaky all the time because when you watched us on the show we were always making out we were all over each other and we had very beautiful conversation as well but our storyline is that we had the hots for each other and he was this Latino lover and we just are so sensual and have this amazing sex and of course there are certain stereotypes with a black woman as well we're this Jezebel and we're so freaky as well and love to have sex all the time and I think those expectations were honest at the beginning too where there was a lot of pressure people would ask us like oh what kind of sex do you have and you know what you know are you always pleased in the bedroom and how many times do you have it and it's like who are these people who ask these questions it would be a podcast it's okay if it's me it would be a magazine it would be a podcast it's just like random things you're like oh how's your relationship or if we were talking about the fantasy suite or something they just got they just assumed like oh I bet you and Brian can't keep your hands off of each other oh yeah I understand and it's like I think people would be really disappointed to hear currently about our sex life and I'm okay with it that it's not living up to the expectations that people think of us we are long removed from the fantasy suite not that what we have and what we do isn't beautiful it just isn't as wild I think as people may be and frankly too because I'm just tired these days I'm exhausted and I wish more people would talk about that right I hate questions sometimes that are like how many times do y'all have sex a week and then you're sitting with I remember I was doing a podcast one time and I was they were like how many times do you have sex a week and they were asking certain people it was like a round table and everyone was like three to five three to five and I just lied I was just like whatever I said it wasn't true it wasn't true whatever I said but I just remember thinking in that moment the pressure we feel to live up to people's expectations when it comes to sex and if you don't have sex this much a week or a month then your relationship isn't on the same level as that other person and I wish we talk about more that like no sometimes it's zero this week and sometimes it might be four or five but it's inconsistent because that's just how life is and I just hate living up to people's sexual expectations especially I think going back to that quote that I read when you provide so much in a relationship and there's so much harmony and joy and entrainment within the relationship the expectation that this has to be not just the cherry on top the glue that holds all together where it's like it's okay if I'm dropping a ball yes yes like why do we have to you know I was listening to Gabrielle Union talk about it like all the hats that we're supposed to wear as women and if you drop one thing or if you're not doing something then you're not whole you're not fulfilled you know I get a lot of questions right now about like why aren't you and Brian have a child I can put up a beautiful video of me and Brian or talk about a beautiful experience that we had and it's like okay that's great but when are we getting a baby and it's like first of all you don't know what fertility issues that I'm going through you don't even know if maybe my desires for children have changed maybe I don't want as many as I might have said before maybe I'm prioritizing other things in my life and whatever those reasons may be it's okay but people putting that pressure on me is very very problematic and I just I hate that I hate and like they don't do that to men you know nobody's writing on Brian's page when are you going to have children you know it does take two at the end of the day but for some reason it's on me and it's my problem and it's my fault it's my fault that we're not having children and I feel like sometimes if I am not you know we're not having sex as much as I feel like we should sometimes I feel like it's my fault and not that Brian ever places that blame on me I just feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and I feel like as a society that's because as a society we hold women to a completely different standard than we do with men is it possible to separate yourself from that standard to completely free yourself of that standard I don't think so I'm aware of it which I guess is the first step and I recognize that there are these double standards when it comes to women but I'd be lying if I didn't say sometimes I still fight trying to fulfill every single one of them I still want to be great in all things and I think in trying to do that or chase that because that's impossible to do I exhaust myself in the process and then other parts of my life suffer you know right now anybody who follows me knows that I'm working working working working all the time and I'm achieving certain dreams and desires and goals that I've always wanted to have but on the back end you know another dream I wanted to have was to get married and find someone who I connect with and who's a partner in life with me and I got that but it's like when I'm giving so much in this bucket the other one suffers yes and I feel like sometimes I'm going through that right now and that's important to say because people want to talk to me all the time especially the book coming out you and Brian are how things are going and things are great with me and Brian but they could be better can I just be honest about that they could be better you know I wish sometimes that I could devote more love and attention to him but if I ask the same thing about your career how things are going in your career would you say great but it could be better it could be better it could be better but it's so much easier to say that than it is to say that my relationship could be better and we're not struggling we're not having a problem please don't create a headline about that it's just we could be better and I want to be better but sometimes I feel like I have more time to be better in my relationship than I do with my job I wonder though about that because I'm kind of just reflecting on I'm definitely in a period something happened in my relationship or maybe four months ago where I had so much pressure on me to be incredible sexually in my relationship as you can imagine there's so much pressure on me to be amazing and the best he's ever had every single time and bring new things to the table and constantly reinventing our sex life and there was this event that happened between him and I that completely shook up everything and it was actually really freeing for me because I realized that I actually don't have to be the sex expert in this relationship we both have a responsibility to try to create the best experience together but there's a lot that I don't know I've never really had sex before with somebody who I parented with for a year I've never had sex with somebody before when we couldn't make mortgage one month and there was some stress in the house and then how did that impact our sex life as much as this is a partner I've had for a long time we're experiencing new things they're bringing new sides of us out and even like right now I'm currently in a season where I'm like I really don't give a fuck about fucking I really don't and there's a couple times you know what I mean I'm gonna be honest maybe in the past month I've been like hey do you want a hand job like that's what I could offer you and that's okay so even though I acknowledge that it could be better I'm also okay with right now being a season where this is what I have and I'm okay with that I'm laughing because I'm like you're better than me I'm like I'm not even gonna give you a hand job right now you know what I mean I'll offer you a hand job why don't you go watch some porn or something to take care of yourself I am exhausted I can't even give that but I love that you're saying that sometimes you're just in a period or maybe in a little funk where you don't feel like giving yourself sexually and it's maybe it's maybe it's a little selfish but maybe it's also like I just don't feel like I can give my best self to you right now and I don't want to have lazy sex and I don't want to just do it out of pity because that can still exist in a marriage as well it's like I want to be my best I want to give it to you but like sometimes you're just in a funk and that's okay to say I'm glad you said it too yeah I think that there is I love the balance I mean that's a constant balance that we're in in a state of self improvement and acknowledging that we want to work on things but also being okay with being like I'm not going to work today yeah yeah I totally feel that completely I mean just recently it's funny I just came back from a retreat it's not funny I came back from a retreat with Brian and it was all about I got to hear about this non-funny retreat the retreat was beautiful it was all about wellness and reconnecting and you couldn't really have your phones out it was about mind, body and spirit and every hour of the day was planned for you to connect with yourself wrote love letters to ourselves and everything and I went a few days before Brian and when Brian got there I was like oh my gosh this is going to be so great we're going to be we're going to connect there's no responsibility at this place I completely let myself go and be free with Brian because I feel like sometimes that's what holds me back sexually is I can't turn my mind off and I am so stressed out or thinking about what's next or even maybe thinking about okay we have like a good hour here and then I got to move on to the next thing so I was like this is the perfect time to let it all go guess what we never had sex on that retreat did we have a beautiful time with one another? absolutely but we didn't do it and it wasn't that I didn't want to it was just I don't know I was just in such a different space where I was focusing on myself and renewing my mind and body and spirit for the new year and what was coming next that I couldn't take my mind off that to let myself go and my body go and connect with him which is terrible because that was part of the reason that I wanted to do the retreat was to just fully disconnect so that I could connect with myself and with him and guess what I ended up doing only connecting with myself so selfish which I think is actually quite interesting because it's almost like that was the complete release of pressure because you're like okay, I'm going to go to this thing and this is where I'm going to make the space and time and we have no work nothing else and this is where I'm going to make the space and you realize when you're there that puts the pressure even more on for you to do this thing that you're like maybe at this present time what I actually need is not to be needed yeah, yeah and maybe I need to communicate that with to Brian instead of just having that conversation solely with you because even though this is extremely helpful because I don't think that you know when he probably was expecting the same thing it didn't happen and then it's kind of like what's going on and it's like no, that's not really it or what it was this is what I was going through in that moment this is where I am right now it's nothing personal to you it's just I'm in a little bit of a funk I'm trying to figure things out it's not a negative thing towards you or our relationship and I think I don't know maybe with men sometimes that's tough it's like they take it personal like you don't want to have sex with them and it's like no it's something with me or maybe it's not even something with me I just don't want to do it right now I want to close out and talking about the reverse of this because I experienced this as well where your partner is going through a period of time where they're like I just do not have any interest when I was pregnant Jared was just like not interested or turned on at all by me and it was fascinating fascinating is the wrong term low-key heartbreaking but we had a we did a really great job actually I'm very proud of us for that we started out as fuck buddies which I think is amazing because the whole premise of fuck buddies is we're just here to have great sex and so if we're not accomplishing that there's nothing else for us to even think about so you had a multi-dimensional relationship where you were thinking about engagement the first day you met somebody so that takes on a whole different tone of all the different areas that you have to manage we didn't have all that I looked for him for nothing else other than pleasure if that was not being provided then that was the end of the connection so we had to constantly advocate for our needs and talk about what worked and what didn't work and so I think the the culture of that sexually has led to us having really good honest conversations where I can say to him like I do not want to suck your dick at all for the next month don't bring it around have no interest but because we have that open dialogue it also leads to the person being able to say things to you that's sometimes not that comfortable so I remember asking him a question I said we're just like not having sex and like you never initiate and so I'm like is it that you have no sex drive right now or you have no drive to have sex with me and he was like I have no drive to have sex with you and I was like I think you have watched the video and play it because my face is shown where you're like the secretly trying to like because you don't want to discourage your partner from being honest but also you're like it's over but then I had to also realize that's okay that just he wasn't turned on by that time and the idea of a child being there and of course like the added responsibility of health there was other factors involved in it whatever but I think that that's okay too that our partners are not either one in a place to have sex or two just whatever reason don't feel section compatible with us that's amazing that he was honest enough to say that to you to your face I know but you were also like ugh but it's but I imagine he would have lied to you right you know what I mean it wouldn't have done either one of you any favors in your relationship so I think that's a great lesson maybe that's the question I'll ask him so if Brian was going through a phase where he's like this is just not an area of interest of mine you guys talked about and he said I'm being honest with you right now this is just an area of mind right now that I'm just not I would be relieved because I'd be like okay well good I'm not there either and it would take off this pressure because I think about it I think about how I am not in a place of it all the time like I'm like oh my gosh what if tonight he's ready to and I am just not filling it I add another level of stress to myself so if he said that and he was filling the same way I was I'd be like ooh thank goodness okay so I don't even have to think about this tonight that's beautiful we're able to tell our partners these things about them taking it personal and so we have to in turn have that same grace for them yeah and it's I am so sexually attracted to Brian like I really am but it's just I don't want to do the act of sex right now that's really what it is so if he asked me that same question that you asked Jared I would be like no it's not that I'm not sexually attracted to you I just don't want to have sex right now I just don't feel like doing that physical activity and to be fair I really feel like doing any kind of work out right now and that's the place that I'm in shout out to Rachel Lindsay and if you feel more convinced than ever that you require more of her voice in your life she has such a damn good voice can we just agree on that Rachel narrated her own audiobook called Miss Me With That and using Audible's 30 day free trial you can listen to Miss Me With That for absolute free it still counts as support for Rachel it will still help to boost her sales and make sure that book continues to be a best seller so it is the gift that everybody wins and the gift that keeps on giving so go to audible.com slash shan booty or if you're in the US text the word shan booty to the number 500 500 again that's audible.com slash shan booty or text the word shan booty to phone number 500 to get Audible's 30 day free trial which you will get one credit to any audiobook of your choosing that you can listen to however and you will also get access to the audible plus catalog lastly before I go I did an entire episode on low sex drive that is not frustrating called boss in the streets and currently meh in the sheets that's where this interview with Rachel came from you actually just listen to a longer excerpt of the interview so you don't need to go and listen to it on the podcast but what you did miss is a conversation a very candid conversation between Jared and I about our current sex life and you also missed an introduction from me where I really broke down what the difference is between HSDD and low sex drive that's not frustrating so let's talk about it in the comment section below as always thank you for sharing your experiences and reflections as many people's favorite part about any of my videos it's definitely mine so please feel free to share there and if you have any Rachel Love that you want to share that would be an amazing place to do it too