 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Janine Bruce and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. Announcing the world's most wanted 21-inch television at the lowest price in history. The Master 21 by RCA Victor. 25 million American families helped RCA Victor build a Master 21. From TV owners everywhere, we've gotten the facts on what you want in a television set. First, 21-inch television. Second, table model television. Third, a simple cabinet. Fourth, clear, strong, steady pictures. That's what you said you want, and that's what you get in RCA Victor's new Master 21. 21-inch table model TV with television's finest pictures. You get the chassis with the same powerful picture performance that in test after test, rated higher than sets costing many dollars more. You get the magic monitor, automatic tuning, golden throat fidelity sound. The price? As little as $199.95. How can RCA Victor deliver such value at such low cost at solo a price? The answer is found in two words. RCA Victor, know how. RCA Victor Research, the greatest in the industry, joins with RCA Victor production. Also the greatest in the industry to bring you this low-priced quality receiver that sets a new standard of value. See the new Master 21 at your RCA Victor dealers now. Only $199.95. And remember, every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Ladies and gentlemen, somewhere in this great land of ours, Professor Leopold Stikowski is rehearsing a concerto for woodwinds. And perhaps in some other concert hall, Arturo Toscanini is putting the finishing touches on a symphony. While here in California, another famous musical conductor is creating still another kind of music. No, no, fellas, no! Smoother and sweeter. How many times do I have to tell you? Smoother and sweeter. Now, take it again. One, two. That's it. Foul is just exquisite. Okay, fellas, take five. Hey, and remember, no cooking on the bandstand. Hey, Elliot, I didn't hear no guitar in that last bash. Why weren't you playing? Curly, I can't do four or five things at once. You made me the bookkeeper. I've been looking over the books. Oh, yeah, yeah, not a bad idea. How do we stand financially, money-wise? Well, it all depends on how you look at it. Your financial situation is a matter of your mental attitude. What does that mean? Well, let's put it this way. If you want to retire, you've got just enough money to live until tomorrow noon. Hey, wait a minute, now give me a breakdown on this. Well, the last dance we played was over a month ago. Yeah, where was that? Well, you remember that society affair? It was the harvest moon ball of the Fresno grape crushers? You remember you picked the queen of the grape crushers? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was beautiful. I'll never forget the way she was dressed. A slinky black evening gown, black silk stockings, and soggy saddle shoes. Hey, but Elliot, we must have made quite a hunk of loot from that dance job. Where's the entry in them books? Don't you remember, Curly, they pulled a fast one on us. We ain't getting no money. They paid us off in grapes. Five crates of them. Well, where are the grapes now? That's a very interesting question. Coming back from Fresno on the bus, there wasn't any room for the grapes. So we stuffed them in the base horn. Well, that's all right. But what happened to all them grapes? Well, you know what a long trip it was from Fresno? And you know how hot and muggy it was inside that bus? Well, naturally, Mother Nature took a hand. What do you mean? Well, just step over the base horn here. You press the first valve down. Care for a glass of muscatel? Wait a minute, Elliot. This is a violation of the Federal Revenue Law. You're practically operating a stale. I know. We're thinking of selling it to the Manashevitz Company. They can call it Whirlitzer Juice. Well, now I know what's wrong with this band. We've got to spend more time in this rehearsal hall. Okay, guys. The five minutes is up. Get back on the bandstand. Okay, get ready, fellas. All right. We take it from the top. One, two. Now watch me. What do you think I got this stick for? Now watch me, will you? Here we go again. One, two. What's going on here? Look, Smolzy, why do you keep playing that extra note? You were speaking to me, Professor Harris? Yes, I'm speaking to you. A thing like this can lead to wrong. We're really starting to ride, man-ride, and what happens? Some square like you starts reading the music. What do you want to do, wreck my whole musical career? Professor Harris, I just want to say, if you didn't play like this where I come from. Oh, you're going to start telling me about music now. Where do you come from? Stitzelberg. Where's Stitzelberg? There's Stitzelberg. Don't cough, it's in Germany. Well, where'd you get that horn? Didn't you hear of the Marshall Plan? We all got him. There's news for you, Smolzy. You don't know how to play it. I never heard such... Wait, wait. You are standing there telling me I am not familiar with the flugel horn? Professor Harris, in all of Germany, nobody can flugel like I can flugel. Smolzy, that might be all right, but you don't dig our stuff. Mr. Harris, for your information, ever since I was a little boy in Germany, I have studied under my papa. When he sat down and played the Steinway, he was the island of Ludendorff, the post of East Baden, the darling of Pilsenplout. Sounds like sort of a sauerkraut Liberace. Yeah, yeah, but what a beautiful picture he created when he was playing with a soft light on his vase. You mean a lighted cantalabra? No, he just set fire to a large Wienerschmitzel. Look, fellas, will you break it up? This is all very interesting, but we've got to whip this band into shape. Now, listen, Smolzy, I'm not sure what's lousin' up the band. It could be somebody in the rhythm section. And I know it's not the piano player, because he's had his thumb stuck between C sharp and D for a month. And the drummer's playing real good since he found his other stick. Now, it can't be Eliot's guitar playing because we hid his guitar. You did? No wonder I'm wearing out my vest. Don't interrupt. Now, Smolzy, the only thing left is you and your bass horn. And I'm going to put you on the spot. I want to know if you can really play that thing. Do a little solo for me. Okay, professor. Make this the downbeat. Right. It's a musket bell. A rehearsal is hopeless. Fellas, you're dismissed. You can all go home. I've gone over these books twice now, Eliot, and I don't see how the band can get out of the red unless something real big starts to happen. Yeah. I can remember when we were in demand. What happened? I don't know. Sometimes I get to think... Oh, hello. Anybody here? Oh, hello, honey. Hi, Al. Well, what is this? Sitting here in this dim rehearsal hall where I'll like the light. There. That's better. Now, why are you looking so sad? Oh, it's a bandy in Alice. We're going nowhere fast. I can't figure out what's the matter. I've tried every... Well, now, look. If you don't mind a little criticism, Phil. There's a new trend in music now. Like Hugo Winterholer's music. He uses lots of stringed instruments, and he employs them Legato and Allegretto. Well, let him employ them Legato and Allegretto. I've got Calvetti, Mendello, Bartonelli, and Giovanni. Every guy in my brass section is Italian. When I holler Goombar, it means something. Stand, Phil. An orchestra like Henry Rene's plays beautiful songs like Ebtide, or Ruby, or Moonlight in Vermont. And just look at the songs you do. Fingerprints on the butter. Hands across the live bait tank. Shut the wall, bed mother. I'm staying at the Y tonight. And don't forget the ever popular, I'm dancing with tears in my eyes because my eyeballs are too tight. Yeah, that's my kind of music. Hey, Elliot. Sir? Hand me that copy of Variety. Let's see what the other bands are doing. Yeah, here you are, Colonel. Let me see now. Oh, here it is. Orchestras. Now, let me see now. Red Nichols and his five pennies have just completed a recording session for R.C.A. Victor. Wingy Minone packing them in the Waldorf cellar. Wait a minute, what's this? Drama quartet breaks all records at Civic Auditorium. Hey, what kind of jazz do them cats play? Well, Phil, the Drama Quartet is not a band. It's a theatrical group including Agnes Moorhead, Charles Boyer, Sir C. Drick Hardwick, and Charles Lawton. No kidding. Sure. In the theater, there's a big return to the classics. Says it right here in Variety. Lawrence Olivier in his 16th week with Hamlet. And Tyrone Powers on tour with John Brown's body. John Brown's body. Who books that act? Digger O'Dell? Now, Curly, the Drama Quartet's a new gimmick in show business. All they do is sit on the stage and read the works of famous authors, like Ed Grail and Poe, Ralph Waldo Emerson, George Bernard Shaw. You know, the classics. Well, is that all there is to it? That's a cinch. We can do that. Phil, you're going to read the classics? Well, why not? We'll combine my music with that high-class literature. I can see that sign on front of the Civic Auditorium now. Tonight, Phil Harris and Gut Bucket Shakespeare. There's over and it's time to leave. Don't forget to brush the powder off your sleeve. Take your girly to the movies. If you can't make love at home. Briss Fairfax gives advice to anyone in love. That's why Johnny Gray broke to her one day. When I call to love my girl, her folks are always there. That's why I'm blue. What shall I do? And bid to set never despair. You got to take that girly to the movies. If you can't make love at home. Pick a cozy corner where it's nice and dark. Don't catch influenza kissing in the park. Take your lessons at the movies and have love scenes of your own. Though she's just a simple little ribbon clerk, close your eyes and think you're kissing Billy Bird. Take your girly to the movies. If you can't make love at home. That finishes up the last costume. Thanks, Alice. You've done a wonderful job. I've been busy, too. I not only rented the place where we're going to do the show, but I had the tickets printed and I sold every one of them. Yeah, but, you know, I never will understand how those tickets sold so fast. Well, when I had them printed, I used a little psychology. I put them on red cardboard. That always attracts the eye. And then I had the foresight to change Curly's name a little bit. You mean you gave a dignity by printing it Philip Harris? No, I played it smart by spelling it Ronald Coleman. Oh, fine. I suppose I'm Rita Hayworth. Oh, no, Alice. You're a big star in your own right. Thank you. But I figured there's a lot of people who don't remember you, so to be on the safe side, I changed your name to Pinky Lee. But of course, these are minor factors when you consider that from this small beginning we might work up a Shakespearean repertoire that will establish... Anybody home? I brought the groceries. Hi. Hello, Julius. Miss Feta, something I want to tell you. Everybody's boiling in the library. And we passed midnight. Yeah, I know. This last week, Mr. Harris has been spending most of his time in the library. What's the matter? Did he forget which book he put it behind? Julius, for your information, Mr. Harris has been working day and night rewriting Shakespeare. Rewriting Shakespeare? Ha! Miss Feta's making him committed. This guy's a Sunday. No, no, I'm afraid not, Julius. You see... Then when you go to the theater, hear me change place. Please, Miss Feta, go with me. It's going to be a swell show. Two stars on the same bill. Ronald Coleman and Pinky Lee. Those tickets you've got. Are they on red cardboard? Yeah. Oh, there you are. Julius, don't look now, but here comes Ronald Coleman. Hey, what do you mean? Well, Julius, there was a little mistake in printing the tickets. The show you're really going to see doesn't have Ronald Coleman. It stars Phil Harris. I've been stabbed! From Coleman! Look, you don't get nervous. I've got a job for you. We've got to be at the theater in an hour, and we've got a lot of props and costumes and things. And if you'll take us there in your truck, I'll give you a phone number. If you'll take us there in your truck, I'll give you five bucks. No. Oh, please, Julius, if you don't help us out, we're going to be late. Five bucks, okay? Do I have to... No. Elliot, how far out in the country is this theater? We've been driving for a long time here. I know, but we just couldn't afford the civic auditorium, so I found another place. It's a... Well, it's a barn. A barn! Now, relax, Curly. You've got to start out on a small scale. Hey, there's the joint now. See the picture of you I had put up on the side of the barn? Yeah. Yeah, that's just swell. I'm right between Dr. Pierce's magical discovery and the Bull Durham Bull. Right there. I'm the one that's smiling. This is it, Julius. You just help unload the truck first and we'll take care of you then. Add it, boy. Come on inside the barn, Curly. You're really going to be surprised how I've converted this place into a real little theater. I never know it was a barn. But, Mr. Stebbins, I don't see how you could make a mistake about the day that we were going to put on a show. You told me on the phone everything was ready for us, Mr. Stebbins. Well, don't get all excited. I figured it was for tomorrow night, but it won't make much difference. The seats ain't in yet, but I figured the folks can sit on them bales of hay. Of course, I ain't had a chance to move the animals yet, but it won't matter much. Others are going to put the show on tonight. I thought I'd have little women get on the party line and call up some of the folks around here and have them come. My gosh, there are some cars starting to arrive outside. Look, Mr. Stebbins, will you see that the people find some place to sit? Oh, sure, sonny. Don't worry. I'll take care of them. Oh, that reminds me, it'll be old-bassist milking time pretty soon, but won't interfere with your show none. See you later. We better get this show started. Everybody know their parts? Yes, I know mine, but where's my veil? Oh, here you are, honey. Hey, Curly, where's my sword? Here. Where's my two bucks? Will you keep quiet? Julius, just pull a curtain. Elliot, you go out ahead and make that opening announce. Yeah, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we inaugurate the first in a series of modernized versions of Shakespeare. Tonight's effort is one of the Bard's famous tragedies, Romeo and Juliet. And now to the play. It opens in a beautiful moonlit garden. The soft night caresses Juliet's fair cheek as she waits on the balcony for her true lover. She speaks. Oh, Romeo. Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Ah, me thinks I dust detective there in the shadows. What a feast for mine eyes, thou art, O Romeo. Is it verily thou? Is it truly thou? Yay, it's thou. I am here below in the garden with my man servant. Approach me, then, O Romeo, that I may see thy features more closely. Ah, Juliet, thou wishes my command. I approach thee. Find place for a fish pond. Steady now, girlie, steady. This next speech is your big one. I'm okay, I'm okay. Ah, Juliet, thou misfortunes may overtake thee. O say thy sweet speeches, Romeo, for I deserve them not. Thou misfortunes may overtake thee. Thou verily I of ladies most deject and wretched that sift the honey of each music bow now. See that noble and sovereign reason. Thou misfortunes may overtake thee. Like we bells dangle out of tune and hearth blasted with ecstasy. Verily I am a lady most deject and wretched. How do you like that? She's going in business for herself. Romeo, I fear for thy safety. Perhaps even now my angry father pursuits thee. He thinks I hear something now. What is that I hear? Hark? Hark? No matter how far they roam, they always come home. Mr. Stevens, will you please keep out of this? Come in, Betty. How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank. It is true, verily, that the quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. What light through yonder window breaks? Allison Phil will be back in just a moment. 1946, R.C.A. Victor Know-How creates America's first post-war table model TV. And every year since, R.C.A. Victor has put more TV sets into American homes than any other maker. 1954, R.C.A. Victor combines the industry's greatest research and production facilities to bring you the Master 21, America's most wanted 21-inch television at the lowest price in history. Only $199.95. Think of it. R.C.A. Victor 21-inch television for as little as $199.95. Here is television with all the famous R.C.A. Victor TV features. Here is R.C.A. Victor quality at a price everyone can afford. It's at your dealers now, the Master 21 by R.C.A. Victor, first in television. This is Phil again. They say that a friend is someone who knows all about you, but likes you anyway. That's the kind of a friend a boy in trouble needs. This year, on the occasion of the 50th anniversary of the Big Brother movement, won't you join with thousands of others who volunteer their time and interest in the future of a boy? Be a Big Brother to some needy kid. Write Big Brothers of America, Philadelphia 3, Pennsylvania. Thank you and good night. Good night everybody. In this program transcribed with Bill Thompson, the part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. Recognize that band? Or this one? They play America's most danceable music. They're the bands of Ralph Flanagan and Buddy Morrow. For a list of every record these popular bands have made, ask your dealer for a free copy of R.C.A. Victor's special Flanagan and Morrow record booklet. Now here's John Cameron Swayze on the news on the NBC radio network.