 Chapter 9 They are Afraid of Udo This is a painful chapter for me to write. Mercifully it is to be a short one. Later on I shall become used to the situation, inclined even to dwell upon its humorous side, but for the moment I cannot see beyond the sadness of it. That to a prince of the royal house of Erebi, and such an estimable young man as Udo, these things should happen. Roger Scruffy legs frankly breaks down over it. That abominable woman, he says, meaning of course Belvane, and he has hysterics for more than a page. Let us describe it calmly. Coronel came back from his stroll in the same casual way in which he had started, and dropped down lazily upon the grass to wait until Udo was ready to mount. He was not thinking of Udo. He was wondering if Princess Hyacinth had an attendant of surpassing beauty, or a dragon of surpassing malevolence, if in fact there were any adventures in Eurelia for a humble fellow like himself. Coronel said a small voice behind him. He turned round indifferently. Hello, Udo. Where are you? He said. Isn't it time we were starting? We aren't starting, said the voice. What's the matter? What are you hiding in the bushes for? Whatever's the matter, Udo? I'm not very well. My poor Udo, what's happened? He jumped up and made towards him. Stop! shrieked the voice. I command you! Coronel stopped. Your royal highness's commands. He began rather coldly. There was an ominous sniffing from the bushes. Coronel? Had an unhappy voice at last? I think I'm coming out. Wondering what it all meant, Coronel waited in silence. Yes, I'm coming out, Coronel, said the voice. But you mustn't be surprised if I don't look very well. I'm—I'm—Coronel, here I am, said Udo pathetically, and he stepped out. Coronel didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. He was Prince Udo. He had the head and the long ears of a rabbit, and in some unfortunate way a look of the real Prince Udo in spite of it. He had the mane in the tail of a lion. In between the tail and the mane it is difficult to say what he was, save that there was an impression of magnificence about his person, such magnificence anyhow as is given by an astrakhan trimmed for a coat. Coronel decided that it was an occasion for tact. Ah, here you are! he said cheerfully. Shall we get along? Don't be a fool, Coronel, said Udo, almost crying. Don't pretend that you can't see that I've got a tail. Why, bless my soul, so you have a tail. Well, think of that. Udo showed what he thought of it by waving it peevishly. This is not a time for tact. He said, tell me what I look like. Coronel considered for a moment. Really, frankly? He asked. Yes. Said Udo nervously. Then frankly your royal highness looks funny. Very funny. Said Udo wistfully. Very funny. Said Coronel. His highness sighed. I was afraid so. He said. That's the cruel part about it. Had I been a lion, there would have been a certain pathetic splendor about my position. Isolated, cut off, suffering in regal silence. He waved an explanatory paw. Even in the most hideous of beasts there might be a dignity. He meditated for a moment. Have you ever seen a yak, Coronel? He asked. Never. I saw one once in Barodia. It is not a beautiful animal, Coronel. But as a yak I should not have been entirely unlovable. One does not laugh at a yak, Coronel. And where one does not laugh, one may come to love. What does my head look like? It looks striking. I haven't seen it, you see. To one who didn't know your royal highness, it would convey the impression of a rabbit. Udo laid his head between his paws and wept. A rabbit? He sobbed. So undignified, so lacking in true pathos, so—and not even a whole rabbit? He said bitterly. How did it happen? I don't know, Coronel. I just went to sleep and woke up feeling rather funny and— He sat up suddenly and stared at Coronel. It was that old woman did it. You mark my words, Coronel. She did it. Why should she? I don't know. I was very polite to her. Don't you remember my saying to you, be polite to her, because she's probably a fairy? You see, I saw through her disguise at once. Coronel, what shall we do? Let's hold a council of war and think it over. So they held a council of war. Prince Udo put forward two suggestions. The first was that Coronel should go back on the morrow and kill the old woman. The second was that Coronel should go back that afternoon and kill the old woman. Coronel pointed out that as she had turned Prince Udo into—into a— Quite so, said Udo. It was likely that she alone could turn him back again, and that in that case he had better only threaten her. I want somebody killed, said Udo, brother naturally. Suppose, said Coronel, you stay here for two days while I go back and see the old witch and make her tell me what she knows. She knows something, I'm certain. Then we shall see better what to do. Udo mused for a space. Why didn't they turn you into anything? He asked. Really, I don't know. Perhaps because I'm too unimportant. Yes, that must be it. He began to feel a little brighter. Obviously, that's it. He caressed a whisker with one of his paws. They were afraid of me. He began to look so much happier that Coronel thought it was a favorable moment in which to withdraw. Shall I go now, your royal highness? Yes, yes, you may leave me. And shall I find you here when I come back? You may or you may not, Coronel. You may or you may not. Afraid of me. He murmured to himself. Obviously. And if I don't? Then return to the palace. Goodbye, your royal highness. Udo waved a paw at him. Goodbye, goodbye. Coronel got on his horse and rode away. As soon as he was out of earshot he began to laugh. Spasm after spasm shook him. No sooner had he composed himself to gravity than a remembrance of Udo's appearance started him off again. I couldn't have stayed with him a moment longer, he thought. I should have burst, poor Udo. However, we'll soon get him all right. That evening he reached the place where the cottage had stood, but it was gone. Next morning he rode back to the wood. Udo was gone too. He returned to the palace and began to think it out. Left to himself, Udo very soon made up his mind. There were three courses open to him. He might stay where he was till he was restored to health. This he rejected at once. When you have the head of a rabbit, the tail of a lion, and the middle of a woolly lamb, the need for action of some kind is imperative. All the blood of your diverse ancestors calls to you to be up and doing. He might go back to Arabi. To Arabi, where he was so well known, so respected, so popular? To Arabi, where he rode daily among his father's subjects that they might have the pleasure of cheering him? How awkward for everybody. On to Eurelia, then? Why not? The Princess Hyacinth had called for him. What devotion it showed if he came to her even now in his present state of bad health? She was in trouble, enchanters, wizards, what not. Already then he had suffered in her service. So at least he would say, and so possibly it might be. Coronel had thought him funny. But women had not much sense of humour as a rule. Probably as a child Hyacinth had kept rabbits or lambs. She would find him... strokeable. And the lion in him, in his tail, in his fierce mane, she would find that inspiring. Women like to feel there is something fierce, untameable in the man they love. Well, there it was. It was not as if he had Coronel with him. Coronel and he, in his present health, could never have gone into Eurelia together. The contrast was too striking. But he alone, Hyacinth's only help. Surely she would appreciate his magnanimity. Also, as he had told himself a moment ago, there was quite a chance that it was a Eurelian enchanter who had put this upon him to prevent him helping Hyacinth. If so, he had better go to Eurelia in order to deal with that enchanter. For the moments he did not see exactly how to deal with him, but no doubt he would think of some tremendously cunning device later on. To Eurelia then, with all dispatch, he trotted off. As Coronel had said, they were evidently afraid of him. Please visit LibriVox.org. The Lady Belvane sits in her garden. She is very happy. An enormous quill pen, taken from a former favorite goose and colored red, is in her right hand. The hair of her dark head, hailed on one side, touches the paper whereon she writes, and her little tongue peeps out between her red lips. Her left hand taps the table. One-two, one-two, one-two, one-two, one-two. She is composing. Wonderful woman. You remember that scene with the Princess Hyacinth? I feel we want a little outside help in our affairs. A fortnight of suspense before Prince Udo arrived. What had the ring done to him? At the best, even if there would be no Udo at all to interfere, nevertheless she knew that she had lost her footing at the palace. She and the Princess would now be open enemies. At the worst, those magic rings were so untrustworthy, a Prince, still powerful, and now seriously annoyed, might be leagued against her. Yet she composed. And what is she writing? She is entering for the competition in connection with the encouragement of literature scheme, the last scheme which the Princess had signed. I like to think of her peacefully writing at a time when her whole future hung in the balance. Roger sneers at her. Even now, he says, she was hoping to bring a last bag full of gold from her wretched country. I deny emphatically that she was doing anything of the sort. She was entering for a duly authorized competition under the pen name of Charlotte Patekic. The fact that Countess Belvane, according to the provisions of the scheme, was sole judge of the competition is beside the point. Belvane's opinion of Charlotte Patekic's poetry was utterly sincere, and uninfluenced in any way by monetary considerations. If Patekic were rewarded the first prize, it would be because Belvane honestly thought she was worth it. One other fact by way of defense against Roger's slanders, as Judge, Belvane had chosen the subject of the prize poems. Now, Belvane and Patekic both excelled in the lighter forms of lyrical verse. Yet the subject of the poem was to be epic. The Buroto-Uralian War. No less. How many modern writers would be as fair? The Buroto-Uralian War. This line is written in gold, and by itself would obtain a prize in any local competition. King Meriwig I rode out to war, as many other kings had done before. Five hundred men behind him marched to fight. There follows a good deal of scratching out, and then comes, a sudden inspiration, this sublimely simple line. Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. One can almost hear the men moving. What gladsome cheers assailed the balmy air. They came from north, from south, from everywhere. No white that stood upon that sacred scene could gaze upon the sight unmoved, I wean. No white that stood upon that sacred spot could gaze upon the sight unmoved, I wot. It is not quite clear whether the last couplet is an alternative to the couplet before, or is purposely added in order to strengthen it. Looking over her left shoulder, it seems to me that there is a line drawn through the first one, but I cannot see very clearly because of her hair, which will keep straying over the page. Why do they march so fearless and so bold? The answer is not very quickly told. To put it shortly, the Barodian king insulted Meriwig like anything. King Meriwig, the dignified and wise, who saw him flying over with surprise, as did his daughter, Princess Hyacinth. This was as far as she had got. She left the table and began to walk round her garden. There is nothing like it for assisting thought. However, today it was not helping much. She went three times round and still couldn't think of a rhyme for Hyacinth. Plinth. It was a little difficult to work in. Besides... She reminded herself. I don't quite know what it means. Belvane felt, as I do about poetry, that however incomprehensible it may be to the public, the author should be quite at ease with it. She added up the lines she had written already. Seventeen. If she stopped there it would be the only epic that had stopped at the seventeenth line. She sighed, stretched her arms, and looked up at the sky. The weather was all against her. It was the ideal, largesse morning. Twenty minutes later she was on her cream white palfry. Twenty-one minutes later Henrietta Crossbuns had received a bag of gold needily under the eye as she bobbed to her ladyship. To this extent only did H. Crossbuns leave her mark upon Euralian history, but it was a mark which lasted for a full month. Hyacinth knew nothing of all this. She did not even know that Belvane was entering for the prize poem. She had forgotten her promise to encourage literature in the realm. And why? Ah, ladies, can you not guess why? She was thinking of Prince Udo of Araby. What did he look like? Was he dark or fair? Did his hair curl naturally or not? Was he wondering at all what she looked like? Wigs had already decided that he was to fall in love with her royal highness and marry her. I think, said Wigs, that he'll be very tall and have lovely blue eyes and golden hair. This is what they were like in all the books she had ever dusted. Like this were the seven princes, now pursuing perilous adventures in distant countries, to whom the king had promised Hyacinth's hand, Prince Hanspatch of Trigong, Prince Ulrich, the Duke of Hyenlo, and all the rest of them. Poor Prince Ulrich, in the moment of victory he was accidentally fallen upon by the giant whom he was engaged in undermining and lost all appetite for adventure thereby. Indeed, in his latter years he was alarmed by anything larger than a goldfish, and lived the life of strictest seclusion. I think he'll be dark, said Hyacinth. Her own hair was corn-coloured. Poor Prince Hanspatch of Trigong, I've just remembered about him. No, I haven't. It was the Duke of Hyenlo. Poor Duke of Hyenlo, a misunderstanding with a wizard having caused his head to face the wrong way around, he was so often said good-bye to at the very moment of arrival that he gradually lost his enthusiasm for social enterprises and confined himself to his own palace, where his acrobatic dexterity in supplying himself with soup was a constant source of admiration to his servants. However, it was Prince Udo of whom they were thinking now. The messenger had returned from Erebi. His royal highness must be expected on the morrow. I do hope he'll be comfortable in the purple room, said Hyacinth. I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to have left him in the blue room after all. They had had him in the blue room two days ago, until Hyacinth thought that perhaps he would be more comfortable in the purple room after all. The purple room has the best view, said Wiggs, helpfully. And it gets the sun. Wiggs, don't forget to put some flowers there, and have you given him any books? I gave him two, said Wiggs. Quests for princes and wild animals at home. Oh, I'm sure he'll like those. Now, let's think what we shall do when he comes. He'll arrive some time in the afternoon. Naturally, he will want a little refreshment. Would he like a picnic in the forest? Asked Wiggs. I don't think anyone wants a picnic after a long journey. I love picnics. Yes, dear, but you see, Prince Udo's much older than you, and I expect he's had so many picnics that he's tired of them. I suppose, really, I ought to receive him in the throne room. But that's so—so— Stuffy. Said Wiggs. That's just it. We should feel uncomfortable with each other the whole time. I think I shall receive him up here. I never feel so nervous in the open air. Will the Countess be here? Asked Wiggs. No. Said the Princess coldly. At least— She corrected herself. She will not be invited. Good afternoon, Countess. It was like her, thought Hyacinth, to arrive at that very moment. Belvane curtsied love. Good afternoon, your Royal Highness. I am here purely on a matter of business. I thought it my duty to inform your Royal Highness of the result of the literature prize. She spoke meekly, and as one who forgave Hyacinth for her unkindness towards her. Certainly, Countess. I shall be glad to hear. The Countess unrolled a parchment. The prize has been won. She said. By— She held the parchment a little closer to her eyes. By Charlotte Patekake. Oh, yes? Who is she? A most deserving woman, your Royal Highness. If she is the woman I'm thinking of, a most deserving person to whom the money will be more than welcome. Her poem shows a sense of values, combined with the breadth and distance, such as I have seldom seen equalled. The, uh, technique is only excelled by the, shall I say, temperamentality. The boldness of the colouring by the— How shall I put it? The firmness of the outline. In short— In short— Said the Princess. You like it. Your Royal Highness, it is unique. But, naturally, you will wish to hear it for yourself. It is only some twelve hundred lines long. I will declaim it to your Royal Highness. She held the manuscript out at the full length of her left arm, struck an attitude with the right arm, and began in her most thrilling voice. King Merrywig the First rode out to war, as many other kings. Yes, Countess, but another time. I am busy this afternoon. As you know, I think, the Prince Udo of Araby arrives tomorrow and— Belvane's lips were still moving, and her right arm swayed up and down. What gladsome cheers assailed the balmy air. She murmured to herself, and her hand went up to heaven. They come from north, from south. She pointed in the directions mentioned. From everywhere. No white that stood. He will be received privately up here by myself in the first place, and afterwards. Could gaze upon the sight unmoved, I want. Whispered Belvane, and placed her hand upon her breast, to show that anyhow it had been too much for her. Why do they march so? I beg your royal highnesses pardon. I was so carried away by this wonderful poem. I do beg of your royal highness to read it. The Princess waved the manuscript a sign. I am not unmindful of the claims of literature, Countess, and I shall certainly read the poem another time. Meanwhile I can, I hope, trust you to see that the prize is awarded to the rightful winner. What I am telling you now is that the Prince Udo is arriving tomorrow. Belvane looked innocently puzzled. Prince Udo? Udo? Would that be Prince Udo of Caraway, your royal highness? A tall man with three legs. Prince Udo of Araby? Said Hyacinth severely. I think I have already mentioned him to your ladyship. He will make a stay of some months. But how delightful your royal highness to see a man again! We were all getting so dull together. We want a man to wake us up a little, don't we, wigs? I will go and give orders about his room at once, your royal highness. You will wish him to be in the purple room, of course. That settled it. He will be in the blue room. Said Hyacinth, decidedly. Certainly your royal highness. Fancy wigs, a man again. I will go and see about it now, if I may have your royal highnesses leave to withdraw. A little mystified by Belvane's manner, Hyacinth inclined her head, and the countess withdrew. CHAPTER X Watercress seems to go with the ears. Wigs gave a parting pat to the table-coff, and stood looking at it with her head on one side. Now, then, she said, Have we got everything? What about sardines? Said Woggs, in her common way. I don't know what she's doing in this scene at all, but Roger Scurvy-Legs insists on it. I don't think a prince would like sardines, said Wigs. If I had been on a long journey, I'd love sardines. It's a very long journey from Araby, isn't it? Awful long, why, it's taken him nearly a week. Perhaps. She added, hopefully. He's had something on the way. Perhaps he took some sandwiches with him. Said Woggs, thinking that this would be a good thing to do. What do you think he'll be like, Woggs? Woggs thought for a long time. Like the king, she said. Only different. She added, as an afterthought. Up came the princess for the fifth time that afternoon, all excitement. Well, she said. Is everything ready? Yes, your royal highness, except Woggs and me didn't quite know about sardines. The princess laughed happily. I think there will be enough for him. It all looks very nice. She turned round and discovered behind her the last person she wanted to see just then. The last person she wanted to see just then curdsied effectively. Forgive me, your royal highness. She said profusely. But I thought I had left Charlotte Patacake's priceless manuscript up here. No. Evidently I was mistaken, your royal highness. I will withdraw your royal highness, as I know your royal highness would naturally wish to receive his royal highness alone. Listening to this speech, one is impressed with Woggs' method of calling everybody mom. Not at all, Countess. Said Hyacinth coldly. We would prefer you to stay and help us receive his royal highness. He is a little late, I think. Balvane looked unspeakably distressed. Oh, I do hope that nothing has happened to him on the way. She exclaimed. I've an uneasy feeling that something may have occurred. What could have happened to him? Asked Hyacinth, not apparently very much alarmed. Oh, your royal highness, it's just a sort of silly feeling of mine. There may be nothing in it. There was a noise of footsteps from below. A man's voice was heard. The princess and the Countess, both extremely nervous, but from entirely different reasons, arranged suitable smiles of greeting upon their faces. Wigs and Woggs stood in attitudes of appropriate meekness by the table. The court painter could have made a beautiful picture of it. His royal highness, Prince Udo of Araby, announced the voice of an attendant. A nervous moment, said Balvane to herself. Can the ring have failed to act? Udo trotted in. It hasn't, said Balvane. Princess Hyacinth gave a shriek and faltered slowly backwards. Wigs, who was familiar with these little accidents in the books which she dusted, and Woggs, who had a natural love for any kind of animal, stood their ground. Whatever is it? murmured Hyacinth. It was as well that Balvane was there. Allow me to present to your royal highness, she said, stepping forward. His royal highness, Prince Udo of Araby. Prince Udo? said Hyacinth, all unwilling to believe it. I'm afraid so, said Udo. Gloomily. He had thought over this meeting a good deal in the last two or three days, and he realized now that he had underestimated the difficulties of it. Hyacinth remembered that she was a princess and a woman. I'm delighted to welcome your royal highness to Euralia, she said. Won't you sit down? I mean, up, uh, down? How did rabbits sit? Or whatever he was, Udo decided to sit up. Thank you. You've no idea how difficult it is to talk on four legs to somebody higher up. It strains the neck so. There was an awkward silence. Nobody quite knew what to say. Except Balvane. She turned to Udo with her most charming smile. Did you have a pleasant journey? She asked sweetly. No. Said Udo coldly. Oh, do tell us what happened to you? cried Hyacinth. Did you meet some terrible enchanter on the way? Oh, I am so dreadfully sorry. When one is not feeling very well, there is a certain type of question which is always annoying. Can't you see what's happened to me? Said Udo crossly. I don't know how it happened. I had come two days' journey from Erebi when- Please, your royal highness. Said Wiggs. Is this your tail in the salt? She took it out, gave it a shake, and handed it back to him. Oh, thank you, thank you. Two days' journey from Erebi when I woke up one afternoon and found myself like this. I asked you to imagine my annoyance. My first thought naturally was to return home and hide myself, but I told myself, princess, that you wanted me. The princess could not help being touched by this. Sad as it was with a graceful movement of the ears and a caressing of the right whisker, but she wanted a little of what she would do with him now that she had got him. Uh, what are you? Put in Belvane kindly, knowing how men are always glad to talk about themselves. Udo had caught sight of a well-covered table, and was looking at it with a curious mixture of hope and resignation. Very, very hungry, he said, speaking with the air of one who knows. The princess, whose mind had been traveling, woke up suddenly. Oh, I was forgetting my manners. She said, with a smile for which the greediest would have forgiven her. Let us sit down and refresh ourselves. May I present to your royal highness the Countess Belvane? Do I shake hands or pat him? Memored that mistress of court etiquette for once at a loss, Udo placed a paw over his heart and bowed profoundly. Charmed, he said, garantly, and, coming from across between a lion, a rabbit, and a woolly lamb, the merest suggestion of gallantry has a most pleasing effect. They grouped themselves round the repast. A little sherbet, your royal highness? said Hyacinth, who presided over the ball. Udo was evidently longing to say yes, but hesitated. I wonder if I dare. It's very good sherbet, said Wiggs, to encourage him. I'm sure it is, my dear, but the question is, do I like sherbet? You can't help knowing if you like sherbet. Don't bother him, Wiggs, said Hyacinth. A venison sandwich, dear prince? The question is, do I like venison sandwiches? I do. Announced wogs to anyone who was interested. You see, explained Udo, I really don't know what I like. They were all surprised at this, particularly wogs. Belvane, who was enjoying herself too much to wish to do anything but listen, said nothing, and it was the princess who obliged Udo by asking him what he meant. It was a subject upon which he was longing to let himself go to somebody. Well, he said, expanding himself a little, so that wogs had to remove his tail this time from the custard. What am I? Nobody ventured to offer an opinion. Am I a hare? Then put me next to the red currant jelly, or whatever it is that hare's like. The anxious eye of hostess wandered over the table. Am I a lion? Went on Udo, developing his theme. Then passed me Wiggs. Oh, please don't be a lion. Said Wiggs gently as she stroked his mane. But haven't you a feeling for anything? Asked Hyacinth. I have a great feeling of emptiness. I yearn for something, only I don't quite know what. I hope it isn't sardines. Whispered wigs to wogs. But what have you been eating on the way? Asked the princess. Oh, grass and things chiefly. I thought I should be safe with grass. And were you, uh, safe? Asked Belvane with a great show of anxiety. Udo coughed and said nothing. I know it's silly of me, said Hyacinth. But I still don't quite understand. I should have thought that if you were a— Uh, quite so. Said Udo. Then you would have known by instinct what a— Uh— Exactly. Said Udo. Likes to eat. Ah, I thought you'd think that. That's just what I thought when this— When I began to feel unwell. But I've worked it out since, and it's all wrong. This is interesting. Said Belvane, settling herself more comfortably. Do go on. Well, when— He coughed and looked round at them coyly. This is really rather a delicate subject. Not at all. Mermit Hyacinth. Well, it's like this. When an enchanter wants to annoy you, he generally turns you into an animal of some kind. Belvane achieved her first blush since she was seventeen. It is, uh, humorous way they have. She said. But suppose you really were an animal altogether. It wouldn't annoy you at all. An elephant isn't annoyed at being an elephant. He just tries to be a good elephant, and he'd be miserable if he couldn't do things with his trunk. The annoying thing is to look like an elephant, to have the very complicated, uh, inside of an elephant, and yet all the time really be a man. They were all intensely interested. Wogg's thought that it was going to lead up to a revelation of what sort of animal Prince Udo really was. But in this she was destined to be disappointed. After all, there were advantages in Udo's present position. As a man, he had never been listened to so attentively. Now, suppose for a moment I am a lion. I have the, uh, delicate apparatus of a lion, but the beautiful thoughts and aspirations of a prince. Thus there is one, uh, side of me, which craves for raw beef. But nonetheless there is a higher side of me. He brought his paw up toward his heart. Which, uh, well, you know how you'd feel about it yourself. The princess shuddered. I should. She said with conviction. Balvane was interested, but thought it all a little crude. You see the point. Went on, Udo. A baby left to itself doesn't know what is good for it. Left to itself, it would eat anything. Now, turn a man suddenly into an animal, and he is in exactly the same state as that baby. I hadn't thought of it like that. Said Hyacinth. I've had to think of it. Now, let us proceed further with the matter. Udo was thoroughly enjoying himself. He had not had such a time since he had given an address on beetles to all the leading citizens of Araby at his coming of age. Suppose again that I am a lion. I know from what I have read or seen that raw meat agrees best with the lion's organization. And, however objectionable it might look, I should be foolish not to turn to it for sustenance. But if you don't quite know what animal you're supposed to be, see how difficult the problem becomes. It's a question of drawing all sorts of horrible things in order to find out what agrees with you. His eyes took on a faraway look, a look in which the most poignant memories seem to be reflected. I've been experimenting, he said, for the last three days. They all gazed sadly and sympathetically at him, except Belvane. She, of course, wouldn't. What went best? She asked brightly. Oddly enough, said Udo, cheering up a little. Banana fritters. Have you ever kept any animal who lived entirely on banana fritters? Never. Smiled the princess. Well, that's the animal I probably am. He sighed and added. There were one or two animals I wasn't. For a little while he seemed to be revolving bitter memories, and then went on. I don't suppose any of you here have any idea how fairy-prickly thistles are when they are going down. May I try a water-crest sandwich? It doesn't suit the tale, but it seems to go with the ears. He took a large bite and added through the leaves. I hope I don't bore you, princess, with my little troubles. Hyacinth clasped his paw impulsively. My dear Prince Udo, I'm only longing to help. We must think of some way of getting this horrible enchantment off you. There are so many wise books in the library, and my father has composed a spell which— Oh, I'm sure we shall soon have you all right again. Udo took another sandwich. Very good of you, princess, to say so. You understand how annoying a little indisposition of this kind is to a man of my temperament. He beckoned to wigs. How do you make these? He asked in an undertone. Gracefully undulating, Belvane rose from her seat. Well, she said. I must go and see that the stable— She broke off in a pretty confusion. How silly of me! I mean the royal apartment is prepared. Have I your royal highness's leave to withdraw? She had. And wigs, dear, you too had better run along and see if you can help. You may leave the water-crest sandwiches. She added, as wigs hesitated for a moment. With a grateful look at her royal highness, Udo helped himself to another one. CHAPTER XII. We decide to write Udo's father. CHAPTER XII. Now, my dear princess— CHAPTER XII. —said Udo, as soon as they were alone. CHAPTER XII. —let me know in what way I can help you. CHAPTER XII. —oh, prince Udo. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth earnestly. CHAPTER XII. It is so good of you to have come. I feel that this—this little accident is really my fault for having asked you here. CHAPTER XII. Not at all, dear lady. It is the sort of little accident that might have happened to anybody anywhere. If I can still be of assistance to you, pray and for me. Though my physical powers may not, for the moment, be quite what they were, I flatter myself that my mental capabilities are in no way diminished. CHAPTER XII. He took another bite of his sandwich, and wagged his head wisely at her. CHAPTER XII. —let's come over here. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth. She moved across to an old stone seat in the wall, Udo following with the plate, and made room for him by her side. There is, of course, a way of indicating to a gentleman that he may sit next to you on the Chesterfield, and tell you what he has been doing in town lately. And there is also another way of patting the sofa for Fido to jump up and be a good dog and lie down, sir. Hyacinth achieved something very tactful in between, and Udo jumped up gracefully. CHAPTER XII. —Now we can talk. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth. —You noticed that lady, the Countess Belvane, whom I presented to you? Udo nodded. CHAPTER XII. —What did you think of her? CHAPTER XII. Udo was old enough to know what to say to that. CHAPTER XII. —I hardly looked at her, he said, and he added with a deep bow. CHAPTER XII. —Naturally, when you're while Highness—oh, I beg your pardon, are my ears in your way? CHAPTER XII. —It's all right. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth, rearranging her hair. CHAPTER XII. —Well, it was because of that woman that I sent for you. CHAPTER XII. —But I can't marry her like this, you're while Highness. CHAPTER XII. Hyacinth turned a startled face towards him. Udo perceived that he had blundered. To hide his confusion, he took another sandwich and ate it very quickly. CHAPTER XII. —I want your help against her. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth a little distantly. CHAPTER XII. —She is plotting against me. CHAPTER XII. —Oh, you're while Highness. Now I see. CHAPTER XII. —said Udo, and he wagged his head as much as to say, —You've come to the right man this time. CHAPTER XII. —I don't trust her. CHAPTER XII. —said Hyacinth impressively. —Well, now, Princess, I'm not surprised. I'll tell you something about that woman. CHAPTER XII. —Oh, what? CHAPTER XII. —Well, when I was announced just now, what happened? You yourself, Princess, were not unnaturally a little alarmed. Those two little girls were surprised and excited. But what of this Countess Belvane? What did she do? CHAPTER XII. —What did she do? CHAPTER XII. —Nothing. —said Udo impressively. CHAPTER XII. —She was neither surprised nor alarmed. —Why, now I come to think of it. I don't believe she was. CHAPTER XII. —And yet —said Udo half pathetically, half proudly —Princess, don't generally look like this. Now, why wasn't she surprised? CHAPTER XII. —Hyacinth looked bewildered. CHAPTER XII. —Did she know you were sending for me? CHAPTER XII. —Udo went on. CHAPTER XII. —Yes. CHAPTER XII. —Because you had found out something about her. CHAPTER XII. —Yes. CHAPTER XII. —Then depend upon it. She's done it. CHAPTER XII. —What a mind that woman must have! CHAPTER XII. —But how could she do it? CHAPTER XII. —Exclaimed Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. —Of course it's just the sort of thing she would do if she could. CHAPTER XII. —Udo didn't answer. He was feeling rather annoyed with Belvane, and had gone off his seat, and was trotting up and down so as not to show his feelings before a lady. CHAPTER XII. —How could she do it? CHAPTER XII. —Emplored Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. —Oh, she's in with some enchanter or somebody. —said Udo impatiently as he trotted past. Suddenly he had an idea. He stopped in front of her. CHAPTER XII. —If only I were sure I was a lion. CHAPTER XII. —He tried to roar, exclaimed hastily that it was only a practice one, and roared again. CHAPTER XII. —No, I don't think I'm a lion after all. CHAPTER XII. —He admitted sadly. CHAPTER XII. —Well, said Hyacinth. —We must think of a plan. CHAPTER XII. —We must think of a plan, said Udo, and he came and sat meekly beside her again. He could conceal it from himself no longer that he was not a lion. The fact depressed him. CHAPTER XII. —I suppose I have been weak. CHAPTER XII. —Went on Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. —But ever since the men went away, she has been ruling spirit of the country. I think she is plotting against me. I know she is robbing me. I asked you here so that you could help me to find her out. CHAPTER XII. —Udo nodded his head, importantly. CHAPTER XII. —We must watch her. CHAPTER XII. —He announced. CHAPTER XII. —We must watch her. CHAPTER XII. —Agreed Hyacinth. —It may take months. CHAPTER XII. —Did you say months? CHAPTER XII. —Said Udo, turning to her excitedly. CHAPTER XII. —Yes. Why? CHAPTER XII. —Well, it's— CHAPTER XII. —He gave a deprecating little cough. CHAPTER XII. —I know it's very silly of me, but— Oh, well, let's hope it will be all right. CHAPTER XII. —Why, whatever is the matter? CHAPTER XII. Udo was decidedly embarrassed. He wriggled. He drew little circles with his hind paw on the ground, and he shot little coy glances at her. CHAPTER XII. —Well, I— CHAPTER XII. —And he gave a little nervous giggle. CHAPTER XII. —I have a sort of uneasy feeling that I may be one of those animals— CHAPTER XII. —He gave her another conscious little laugh. CHAPTER XII. —That have to go to sleep all through the winter. It would be very annoying if I— CHAPTER XII. —His paw became very busy here. CHAPTER XII. —If I had to dig a little hole in the ground, just when the plot was thickening— CHAPTER XII. —Oh, but you won't— CHAPTER XII. —Said Hyacinth in distress. They were both silent for a moment, thinking of the awful possibilities. Udo's tail had fallen across Hyacinth's lap, and she began to play with it absently. CHAPTER XII. —Anyway— CHAPTER XII. —She said, hopefully— CHAPTER XII. —It's only July now— CHAPTER XII. —Yes— CHAPTER XII. —Said Udo— CHAPTER XII. —I suppose I should get— busy about November. We ought to find out something before then. First of all, we'd better— oh— CHAPTER XII. —He started up in dismay. CHAPTER XII. I've just had a horrible thought. Don't I have to collect a little store of nuts and things? CHAPTER XII. Surely. CHAPTER XII. I should have to start that pretty soon. CHAPTER XII. —Said Udo thoughtfully. CHAPTER XII. You know, I shouldn't be very handy at it, climbing about after nuts. CHAPTER XII. He went on dreamily. CHAPTER XII. What a life for a— CHAPTER XII. Oh, don't. CHAPTER XII. —Pleaded Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. Surely only squirrels do that. CHAPTER XII. Yes—yes. Now, if I were a squirrel— I should— me, I have my tail for a moment. CHAPTER XII. Oh, I'm so sorry. CHAPTER XII. —Said Hyacinth, very much confused as she realized the liberty she had been taking, and she handed his tail back to him. CHAPTER XII. Not at all. CHAPTER XII. —Said Udo. He took it firmly in his right hand. CHAPTER XII. Now then, he said, CHAPTER XII. We shall see. Watch this. CHAPTER XII. Sitting on his back legs, he arched his tail over his head, and, letting go of it, suddenly, began to nibble at a sandwich held in his two front paws. A pretty picture for an artist, but a bad model. The tail fell with a thud to the ground. CHAPTER XII. There, said Udo triumphantly, CHAPTER XII. —That proves it. I'm not a squirrel. CHAPTER XII. Oh, I'm so glad. CHAPTER XII. —Said Hyacinth, completely convinced as anyone would have been by this demonstration. CHAPTER XII. Yes, well, that's all right then. Now we can make our plans. First of all, we'd better— CHAPTER XII. He stopped suddenly, and Hyacinth saw that he was gazing at his tail. CHAPTER XII. Yes. CHAPTER XII. She said, encouragingly, he picked up his tail and held it out in front of him. There was a large knot in the middle of it. CHAPTER XII. Now what have I forgotten? CHAPTER XII. He said, rubbing his head thoughtfully. Poor Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. Oh, dear Prince Udo, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I did that without thinking. CHAPTER XII. Udo, the gallant gentleman, was not found wanting. CHAPTER XII. A lover's knot. CHAPTER XII. He said, with a graceful ingl— No. He stopped in time. But really, those ears of his made ordinary politeness quite impossible. CHAPTER XII. Oh, Udo, if only I could help you to get back to your proper form again. CHAPTER XII. Yes, if only. CHAPTER XII. Said Udo, becoming practical again. CHAPTER XII. But how are we going to do it? Just one more water-crest sandwich. CHAPTER XII. He said, apologetically, they go with the ears so well. CHAPTER XII. I shall threaten the Countess. CHAPTER XII. Said Hyacinth, impulsively. I shall tell her that, unless she makes the enchantor restore you to your proper form, I shall put her in prison. CHAPTER XII. Udo was not listening. He had gone off into his own thoughts. CHAPTER XII. Banana fritters and water-crest sandwiches. CHAPTER XII. He was murmuring to himself. CHAPTER XII. I suppose I must be the only animal of the kind in the world. CHAPTER XII. Of course. CHAPTER XII. Went on Hyacinth half to herself. CHAPTER XII. She might get the people on her side, the ones that she's bribed, and if she did— CHAPTER XII. That's all right. That's all right. Said Udo, grandly. CHAPTER XII. Lever to me. There's something about your water-crest that inspires me to do terrible deeds. I feel anew whatever I am. CHAPTER XII. One gathers reluctantly from this speech that Udo had partaken too freely. CHAPTER XII. Of course. CHAPTER XII. Said Hyacinth. CHAPTER XII. I could write to my father, who might send some of his men back, but I shouldn't like to do that. I shouldn't like him to think that I had failed him. CHAPTER XII. Extraordinary how I take to these things. CHAPTER XII. Said Udo, allowing himself a little more room on the seat. CHAPTER XII. Perhaps I am a rabbit after all. I wonder what I should look like behind wire netting. CHAPTER XII. He took another bite and went on. CHAPTER XII. I wonder what I should do if I saw a ferret. CHAPTER XII. I suppose you haven't got a ferret on you, princess. CHAPTER XII. I beg your pardon, prince. I'm afraid I was thinking of something else. What did you say? CHAPTER XII. Nothing, nothing. One's thoughts run on. CHAPTER XII. He put his hand out for the plate and discovered it was empty. He settled himself more comfortably and seemed to be about to sink into slumber when his attention was attracted suddenly by the knot in his tail. He picked it up and began lazily to undo it. CHAPTER XII. I wish I could lash my tail. CHAPTER XII. He murmured. CHAPTER XII. Mine seems to be one of the tails that don't lash. CHAPTER XII. He began very gingerly to feel the tip of it. CHAPTER XII. I wonder if I've got a sting anywhere. CHAPTER XII. He closed his eyes, muttering. CHAPTER XII. Sting countess neck. CHAPTER XII. Sting all over neck. CHAPTER XII. Sting lots stings. CHAPTER XII. And fell peacefully asleep. CHAPTER XII. It was a disgraceful exhibition. CHAPTER XII. Roger Scurvy Legs tries to slur it over. CHAPTER XII. Talks about the great heat of the sun and the notorious effects of even one or two watercress sandwiches on a man who has had nothing to eat for several days. CHAPTER XII. This is to poulter with the facts. CHAPTER XII. The effect of watercress sandwiches upon Udo's arrangements, however furnished, we have all just seen for ourselves. But what Roger neglects to lay stress upon is the fact that this was the effect of twenty-one or twenty-two watercress sandwiches. There is no denying that it was a disgraceful exhibition. If I had been there, I should certainly have written to his father about it. Hyacinth looked at him uneasily. Her first feeling was one of sympathy. CHAPTER XII. Poor fellow, she thought. CHAPTER XII. He's had a hard time lately. CHAPTER XII. But it is a strain on the sympathy to gaze too long on a mixture of lion, rabbit, and woolly lamb, particularly when the rabbit part has its mouth open, and is snoring gently. Besides, what could she do with him? She had two of them on her hands now, the Countess and the Prince. Belvane was in an even better position than before. She could now employ Udo to help her in her plots against the Princess. Grant to me so-and-so, or I'll keep the enchantment forever on his royal highness. And what could a poor girl do? Well, she would have to come to some decision in the future. Meanwhile, the difficulties of the moment were enough. The most obvious difficulty was his bedroom. Was it quite the sort of room he wanted now? Hyacinth realized suddenly that to be the hostess to such a collection of animals as Udo was would require all the tact she possessed. Perhaps he would tell her what he wanted when he woke up. Better let him sleep peacefully now. She looked at him, smiled in spite of herself, and went quickly down into the palace. End of CHAPTER XII CHAPTER XIII OF ONCE ON A TIME This is the LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. ONCE ON A TIME by A. A. Milne CHAPTER XIII PINK RIMES WITH THINK Udo awoke, slightly refreshed, and decided to take a firm line with the countess at once. He had no difficulty about finding his way down to her. The palace seemed to be full of servants, all apparently busy about something which brought them for a moment inside of the newly arrived prince, and then whisked them off, hand to mouth, and shoulders shaking. By one of these, with more control over her countenance than the others, an annoyed Udo was led into Belvane's garden. She was walking up and down the flagged walk between her lavender hedges, and as he came in, she stopped and rested her elbows on her sundial, and looked mockingly at him, waiting for him to speak. Between the showers I mark the hours, said the sundial, on the suggestion of Belvane one wet afternoon, but for the moment the countess was in the way. A! Here we are! said Udo in a rather nasty voice. Here we are! said Belvane sweetly. All of us! Suddenly she began to laugh. Oh! Prince Udo! She said, You'll be the death of me. Count me as one more of your victims. It is easy to be angry with anyone who will laugh at you all the time, but difficult to be effective, particularly when, but we need not dwell upon Udo's handicap again. I don't see anything to laugh at, he said stiffly. To intelligent people the outside appearance is not everything. But it can be very funny, can't it? said Belvane coaxingly. I wished for something humorous to happen to you, but I never thought. Ah! said Udo. Now we've got it! He spoke with an heir of a clever cross-examiner who has skillfully extracted an admission from a reluctant witness. This sort of tone goes best with one of those keen legal faces. Perhaps that is why Belvane laughed again. You practically confess that you did it. Went on, Udo, magnificently. Did what? Turned me into a... a... A rabbit? Said Belvane innocently. A foolish observation like this always pained Udo. What makes you think I'm a rabbit? He asked. I don't mind what you are, but you'll never dare show yourself in the country like this. Be careful, woman. Don't drive me too far. Beware lest you rouse the lion in me. Where? Asked Belvane with a child-like air, with a gesture full of dignity and good breeding. Udo called attention to his tail. That, said the Countess, is not the part of the lion that I'm afraid of. For the moment Udo was nonplussed, but he soon recovered himself. Even supposing, just for the sake of argument, that I am a rabbit, I still have something up my sleeve. I'll come and eat your dung carnations. Belvane adored her garden, but she was sustained by the thought that it was only July just now. She pointed this out to him. It needed necessarily be carnations. He warned her. I don't want to put my opinion against one who has... forgive me, inside knowledge on the subject, but I think I have nothing in my garden at this moment that would agree with a rabbit. I don't mind if it doesn't agree with me, said Udo, hybrorically. This was more serious. Her dear garden in which she composed, ruined by the mastications or machinations. What was the word of an enemy? The thought was unbearable. You aren't a rabbit, she said hastily. You aren't really a rabbit because... because you don't waffle your nose properly. I could, said Udo simply. I'm just keeping it back, that's all. Show me how, cried Belvane, clasping her hands eagerly together. It was not what he had come into the garden for, and it accorded ill with the dignity of the royal house of Araby, but somehow one got let on by this wicked woman. Like this, said Udo. The Countess looked at him critically with her head on one side. No, she said. That's quite wrong. Naturally, I'm a little out of practice. I'm sorry, said Belvane. I'm afraid I can't pass you. Udo couldn't think what had happened to the conversation. With a great effort, he extracted himself from it. Enough of this, Countess! He said sternly, I have your admission that it was you who put this enchantment on me. It was I. I wasn't going to have you here interfering with my plans. Your plans to rob the princess. Belvane felt it was useless to explain the principles of largesse throwing to Udo. There will always be men like Udo and Roger Scurvy-legs who take these narrow matter-of-fact views. One merely wastes time in arguing with them. My plans, she repeated. Very well. I shall go straight to the princess, and she will unmask you before the people. Belvane smiled happily. One does not often get such a chance. And who, she asked sweetly, will unmask your royal highness before the people, so that they may see the true Prince Udo underneath. What do you mean? Said Udo, though he was beginning to guess. That noble, handsome countenance, which is so justly the pride of Araby. How shall we show that to the people? They'll form such a mistaken idea of it, if they all see you like this, won't they? Udo was quite sure now that he understood. Hyacinth had understood at the very beginning. You mean that if the Princess Hyacinth falls in with your plans, you will restore me to my proper form, but that otherwise you will leave me like this? One's actions are very much misunderstood. Side, Belvane. I've no doubt that that is how it will appear to future historians. To Roger, certainly. It was too much for Udo. He forgot his manners and made a jump towards her. She glided gracefully behind the sundial in a pretty affectation of alarm, and the next moment Udo decided that the contest between them was not to be settled by such rough-and-tumble methods as these. The fact that his tail had caught in something helped him to decide. Belvane was up to him in an instant. There, there, she said soothingly. Let me undo it for your royal highness. She talked pleasantly as she worked at it. Every little accident teaches us something. Now if you'd been a rabbit, this wouldn't have happened. No, I'm not even a rabbit. Said Udo, sadly. I'm just nothing. Belvane stood up and made him a deep curtsy. You are his royal highness Prince Udo of Araby. Your royal highness's straw is prepared. When will your royal highness be pleased to retire? It was a little unkind, I think. I should not record it of her were not Roger so insistent. Now, said Udo, and lolliped sadly off. It was his one really dignified moment in Euralia. On his way to his apartment he met Wiggs. Wiggs, he said solemnly. If ever you can do anything to annoy that woman, such as making her an apple pie bed or anything like that, I wish you'd do it. Whereupon he retired for the night. Into the mysteries of his toilet we had perhaps better not inquire. As the chronicler of these simple happenings many years ago, it is my duty to be impartial. These are the facts, I should say, and it is for your nobilities to judge of them. Thus and thus my characters have acted. How say you, my lords and ladies? I confess that this attitude is beyond me. I have a fondness for all my people, and I would not have you misunderstand any of them. But with regard to one of them there is no need for me to say anything in her defense. About her at any rate, we agree. I mean Wiggs. We take the same view as Hyacinth. She was the best little girl in Euralia. It become then as a shock to you, as it did to me on the morning after I had staggered home with Rogers' seventeen volumes, to learn that on her day Wiggs could be as bad as anybody. I mean really bad. To tear your frock, to read books which you ought to be dusting, these are accidents which may happen to anybody. Far otherwise was Wiggs for all. She adopted, in fact, the infamous suggestion of Prince Udo. Three nights later, with malice aforethought and to the comfort of the King's enemies and the prejudice of the safety of the realm, she made an apple pie bed for the Countess. It was the most perfect apple pie bed ever made. Cox himself could not have improved upon it. Newton has seen nothing like it. It took Wiggs a whole morning, and the results, though private, that is the worst of an apple pie bed, were beyond expectation. After wrestling for half an hour, the Countess spent the night in the Garden Hammock, composing a bitter ode to melancholy. Of course, Wiggs caught it in the morning. The Countess suspected what she could not prove. Wiggs, now in for a thoroughly bad week, realized that it was her turn again. What should she do? An inspiration came to her. She had been really bad the day before. It was a pity to waste such perfect badness as that. Why not have the one bad wish to which the ring entitled her? She drew the ring out from its hiding-place round her neck. I wish... She said, holding it up. I wish that the Countess Belvane... She stopped to think of something that would really annoy her. I wish that the Countess shall never be able to write another rhyme again. She held her breath, expecting a thunder-clap or some other outward token of the sudden death of Belvane's muse. Instead, she was struck by the extraordinary silence of the place. She had a horrid feeling that everybody else was dead, and realizing all at once that she was a very wicked little girl, she ran up to her room and gave herself up to tears. May you, dear sir or madam, repent as quickly. However, this is not a moral work. An hour later, Wiggs came into Belvane's garden, eager to discover in what way her inability to rhyme would manifest itself. It seemed that she had chosen the exact moment. In the throes of composition, Belvane had quite forgotten the apple-pie bed, so absorbing is our profession. She welcomed Wiggs eagerly, and taking her hand led her towards the roses. I have just been talking to my dear roses, she said. Listen, whenever I take my walks about, I like to see the roses out. I like them yellow, white, and pink, but crimson are the best, I think. The butterfly— But we shall never know about the butterfly. It may be that Wiggs has lost us here a thought on Lepidoptera, which the world can ill-spare, for she interrupted breathlessly. When did you write that? I was just making it up when you came in, dear child. These thoughts often come to me as I walk up and down my beautiful garden. The butterfly— But Wiggs had let go her hand and was running back to the palace. She wanted to be alone to think this out. What had happened? That it was truly a magic ring, as the fairy had told her. She had no doubt that her wish was a bad one, that she had been bad enough to earn it, she was equally certain. What then had happened? There was only one answer to her question. The bad wish had been granted to someone else. To whom? She had lent the ring to nobody. True, she had told the Princess all about it, but suddenly she remembered. The Countess had had it in her hands for a moment. Yes, and she had sent her out of the room, and so many thoughts crowded into Wiggs's mind at this moment, that she felt she must share them with somebody. She ran off to find the Princess. End of Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Of Once on a Time Once on a Time by A. A. Milne Chapter 14 Why Can't You Be Like Wiggs Hyacinth was with Udo in the library. Udo spent much of his time in the library nowadays, for surely in one of those many books was to be found some advice to a gentleman in temporary difficulties suitable to a case like his? Hyacinth kept him company, sadly. It had been such a brilliant idea inviting him to Euralia, how she wished now that she had never done it. Chapter 15 Well, Wiggs. She said it with a gentle smile. What have you been doing with yourself all the morning? Udo looked up from his mat and nodded to her. I found out! said Wiggs excitedly. It was the Countess who did it. Udo surveyed her with amazement. The Princess Hyacinth, he said, has golden hair when discovers these things gradually. And he returned to his book. Wiggs looked bewildered. He means, dear, said Hyacinth, that it is quite obvious that the Countess did it, and we have known about it for days. Udo wore, as far as his face would permit, the slightly puffy expression of one who has just said something profoundly ironical and is feeling self-conscious about it. Oh! said Wiggs in such a disappointed voice that it seemed as if she were going to cry. Hyacinth, like the deer that she was, made haste to comfort her. We didn't really know, she said. We only guessed it. But now that you have found out, I shall be able to punish her properly. No, don't come with me. She said, as she rose and moved towards the door. Stay here and help His Royal Highness. Perhaps you can find the book that he wants. You've read more of them than I have, I expect. After long with the Prince, Wiggs was silent for a little, looking at him rather anxiously. Do you know all about the Countess? She asked, at last. If there's anything I don't know, it must be very bad. Then you know that it's all my fault that you are like this. Oh, dear Prince Udo, I am so dreadfully sorry. What do you mean, your fault? Because it was my ring that did it. Udo scratched his head in a slightly puzzled but quite a nice way. Tell me all about it from the beginning, he said. You have found something out after all, I believe. So Wiggs told her story from the beginning. How the fairy had given her a ring, how the Countess had taken it from her for five minutes and had a bad wish on it, and how Wiggs had found her out that very morning. Udo was intensely excited by the story. He trotted up and down the library, muttering to himself. He stopped in front of Wiggs as soon as she had finished. Is the ring still going? He asked. I mean, can you have another wish on it? Yes, just one. Then wish her to be turned into, uh... He tried to think of something that would meet the case. What about a spider? He said thoughtfully. But that's a bad wish. Said Wiggs. Yes, but it's her turn. Oh, but I'm only allowed a good wish now. She added rapturously. And I know what it's going to be. So did Udo. At least he thought he did. Oh, you dear! He said, casting an affectionate look on her. Yes, that's it. That I might be able to dance like a fairy. Udo could hardly believe his ears. And they were adequate enough for most emergencies. But how is that going to help me? He said, tapping his chest with his paw. But it's my ring. Said Wiggs. And so, of course, I'm going to wish that I can dance like a fairy. I've always meant to, as soon as I've been good for a day first. The child was absurdly selfish. Udo thought that he would have to appeal to her in another way. Of course. He began. I've nothing to say against dancing us dancing. But I think you'll get tired of it. Just as I shall get tired of… lettuce. Wiggs understood now. You mean that I might wish you to be a prince again? Well, said Udo casually. It just occurred to me as an example of what might be called the good wish. Then I shall never be able to dance like a fairy. Neither shall I, if it comes to that. Said Udo. Really, the child was very stupid. Oh, it's too cruel. Said Wiggs, stamping her foot. I did so want to be able to dance. Udo glanced gloomily into the future. To live forever behind wire netting. Amused. To be eternally frightened by pink-eyed ferrets. To be offered brand-mash, brand-mash, brand-mash, where everyone visited week after week, month after month, year after year, century after. How long do rabbits live? But Wiggs was not to be moved. I won't give up my wish. She said passionately. Udo got on to his forelegs with dignity. Keep your wish, he said. There are plenty of other ways of getting out of enchantments. I'll learn up a piece of poetry by our court-poet Socorino and recite it backwards when the moon is new. Something like that. I can do this quite easily by myself. Keep your wish. He went slowly out. His tail, looking more like a bell-rope than ever, followed him solemnly. The fluffy part that you pull was for a moment left behind. Then, with a jerk, it was gone, and Wiggs was left alone. I won't give up my wish. Cried Wiggs again. I'll wish it now before I'm sorry. She held the ring up. I wish that— She stopped suddenly. Poor Prince Udo. He seems very unhappy. I wonder if it is a good wish to wish to dance when people are unhappy. She thought this out for a little, and then made her great resolve. Yes, she said. I'll wish him well again. Once more, she held the ring up in her two hands. I wish, she said. That Prince Udo— I know what you're going to say. It was no good her wishing her good wish, because she had been a bad girl the day before, making the counters an apple-pie bed and all disgraceful. How could she possibly suppose— She didn't. She remembered just in time. Oh, Mother— Said Wiggs, standing in the middle of the room with the ring held above her head. I've got to be good for a day first. Mother— So the next day was Wiggs' good day. The legend of it was handed down for years afterwards in Euralia. It got into all the calendars—July 20, if it was—marked with a red star. In Roger's portentous volume it had a chapter devoted to it. There was some talk about it being made into a public holiday, he tells us. But this fell through. Euralian mothers used to scold their naughty children with the words, Why can't you be like Wiggs? And the children used to tell each other that there never was a real Wiggs, and that it was only a made-up story for parents. However, you have my word for it that it was true. She began by getting up at five o'clock in the morning, and after dressing herself very neatly and being particularly careful to ring out her sponge, she made her own bed and tidied up the room. For a moment she thought of waking the grown-ups in the palace and letting them enjoy the beautiful morning, too. But a little reflection showed her that this would not be at all a kindly act. So, having dusted the throne-room and performed a few simple physical exercises, she went outside and attended to the smaller domestic animals. At breakfast she had three helpings of something very nutritious, which the Countess said would make her grow, but only one helping of everything else. She sat up nicely all the time, and never pointed to anything or drank with her mouth for. After breakfast she scouted some crumbs on the lawn for the robins, and then got to work again. First she dusted and dusted and dusted. Then she swept and swept and swept. Then she sewed and sewed and sewed. When anybody of superior station or age came into the room, she rose and curdsied, and stood with her hands behind her back while she was being spoken to. When anybody said, I wonder where I put my so-and-so, she jumped up and said, Let me fetch it. Even if it was upstairs. After dinner she made up a basket of provisions and took them to the old women who lived near the castle. To some of them she sang already loud, and when at one cottage she was asked, Now won't you give me a little dance? She smiled bravely and said, I'm afraid I don't dance very well. I think that was rather sweet of her. If I had been the fairy, I should have let her off the rest of the day. When she got back to the palace she drank two glasses of warm milk with the skin on, and then went and weeded the countess's lawn. And once, when she trod by accident on a bed of flowers, she left the footprint there, instead of scraping it over hastily and pretending that she hadn't been near the place, as you would have done. At half past six she kissed everybody good-night, including Udo, and went to bed. So ended July the twentieth, perhaps the most memorable day in Euralian history. Udo and Hyacinth spent the great day peacefully in the library. A gentleman, for all his fur, Udo had not told the princess about Whig's refusal to help him. Besides, a man has his dignity. To be turned into a mixture of three animals by a woman of thirty, and to be turned back again by a girl of ten, is to be too much the plaything of the sex. It was time he did something for himself. Now, then, how did that bit of soccerinos go? Let me see. He beat time with a paw. Blood for something, something some... something like that. Blood for... er... blood for... er... no, it's gone again. I know there was a bit of blood in it. I'm sure you'll get it soon. Said Hyacinth. It sounds as though it's going to be just the sort of thing that's wanted. Oh, I shall get it all right. Some of the words have escaped me for the moment, that's all. Blood... er... blood. You must have heard of it, princess. It's about blood for he who's something. You must know the one I mean. I know I've heard of it. Said the princess, wrinkling her forehead. Only I can't quite think of it for the moment. It's about a... erm... Yes, that's it. Said Udo. Then they both looked up at the ceiling with their heads on one side and murmured to themselves. But noon came, and they still hadn't thought of it. After a simple meal they returned to the library. I think I'd better write to Coronel. Said Udo. And ask him about it. I thought you said his name was Socorino. Oh, this is not the poet. It's just a friend of mine. But he's rather good at this sort of thing. The trouble is that it takes such a long time for a letter to get there and back. At the word letter, Hyacinth started suddenly. Oh, Prince Udo. She cried. I can never forgive myself. I've just remembered the very thing. Father told me in his letter that a little couplet he once wrote was being very useful for, erm, removing things. What sort of things? Said Udo. Not too hopefully. Oh, enchantments and things. Udo was a little annoyed at the and things. As though turning him back into a prince again was as much in the day's work as removing rust from a helmet. It goes like this. Said Hyacinth. Bow, bow, bill, bow, woe, woe, will, woe. It sounds as though it would remove anything. She added with a smile. Udo sat up rather eagerly. I'll try, he said. Is there any particular action that goes with it? I've never heard of any. I expect you ought to say it as if you meant it. Udo sat up on his back paws and gesticulating freely with his right paw, declaimed. Bow, bow, bill, bow, woe, woe, will, woe. He fixed his eyes on his paws waiting for the transformation. He waited and waited. Nothing happened. It must be all right, said Hyacinth anxiously. Because I'm sure Father would know. Try saying it more like this. She repeated the lines in a voice so melting, yet with all so dignified that the very chairs might have been expected to get up and walk out. Udo imitated her as well as he could. At about the time when Wiggs was just falling asleep, he repeated it in his fiftieth different voice. I'm sorry, said Hyacinth. Perhaps it isn't so good as Father thought it was. There's just one chance, said Udo. It's possible it may have to be said on an empty stomach. I'll try it tomorrow before breakfast. Upstairs, Wiggs was dreaming of the dancing that she had given up for ever. And what Belvane was doing, I really don't know. A.A. Milne Chapter 15 There is a lover waiting for Hyacinth. So, the next morning before breakfast, Wiggs went up to the castle walls and wished. She looked over the meadows and across the peaceful stream that wandered through them to the forest where she had met her fairy, and she gave a little sigh. Good-bye, dancing! She said, and then she held the ring up and went on bravely. Please, I was a very good girl all yesterday, and I wish that Prince Udo may be well again. For a full minute there was silence. Then, from the direction of Udo's room below, there came these remarkable words. Take the beastly stuff away, and bring me a beef steak and a flagon of sack! Between smiles and tears, Wiggs murmured. He sounds all right. I am glad. And then she could bear it no longer. She hurried down and out of the palace, away, away from Udo and the Princess and the Countess and all their talk, to the cool, friendly forest, there to be alone and to think over all that she had lost. It was very quiet in the forest, at the foot of her own favorite tree, a veteran of many hundred summers who stood sentinel over an open glade that dipped to a gurgling brook and climbed gently away from it. She sat down. On the soft green yonder she might have danced and enchanted place, and now never, never, never. How long had she sat there? It must have been a long time, because the forest had been so quiet, and now we were so full of sound. The trees were murmuring something to her, and the birds were singing it, and the brook was trying to tell it too, but it would keep chuckling over the very idea so that you could hardly hear what it was saying, and there were bustlings in the grass. Get up, get up! Everything was calling to her. Dance, dance! She got up, a little frightened. Everything seemed so strangely beautiful. She had never felt it like this before. Yes, she would dance. She must say thank you for all this somehow. Perhaps they would excuse her if it was not very well expressed. This will just be for thank you, she said as she got up. I shall never dance again. And then she danced. Where are you, Hyacinth? There is a lover waiting for you somewhere, my dear. It is the first of spring. The blackbird opens his yellow beak and whistles cool and clear. There is blue magic in the morning. The sky, deep blue above, melts into white where it meets the hills. The wind waits for you up yonder. Will you go to meet it? Ah, stay here! The hedges have put on their green coats for you. Misty green are the tall elms from which the rooks are chattering. Along the clean white road, between the primrose banks, he comes. Will you be around this corner or the next? He is looking for you, Hyacinth. She rested, breathless, and then danced again. It is summer afternoon. All the villages at rest save one. Coo-coo! comes from the deep dark trees. Coo-coo! he calls again and flies away to send back the answer. The fields, all green and gold, sleep undisturbed by the full river which creeps along them. The air is heavy with the scent of May. Where are you, Hyacinth? Is not this the tristing place? I have waited for you so long. She stopped, and the watcher and the bushes moved silently away. His mind aflame with fancies. Wigs went back to the palace to tell everybody that she could dance. Shall we tell her how it happened? Said Udo, jauntly. I just recited a couple of lines, poetry, you know, backwards, and, well, here I am. Oh! said Wigs. End of Chapter 15 Chapter 16 of Once on a Time This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Once on a Time by A. A. Milne Chapter 16 Belvane Enjoys Herself The entrance of an attendant into his room that morning to bring him his early brand mash had awakened Udo. As soon as she was gone, he jumped up, shook the straw from himself, and said in a very passion of longing, Bow, ball, bill, ball, whoa, wall, will, wall! He felt it was his last chance. Exhausted by his effort, he fell back on the straw and dropped asleep again. It was nearly an hour later that he became properly awake. Into his feelings I shall not enter at any length. I leave that to Roger Scurvy-Legs. Between ourselves, Roger is a bit of a snob. The degradation to a Prince of Araby to be turned into an animal so ludicrous, the delight of a Prince of Araby at regaining his own form, it is this that he chiefly dwells upon. Really, I think your eye would have been equally delighted. I am sure we can guess how Udo felt about it. He strutted about the room. He gazed at himself in every glass. He held out his hand to an imaginary hyacinth with- Ah, dear Princess, and how are we this morning? Never had he felt so handsome and so sure of himself. It was in the middle of one of his pyroettings that he caught sight of the unfortunate brand-mash and uttered the remarkable words which I have already recorded. The actual meeting with hyacinth was even better than he had expected. Hardly able to believe that it was true, she seized his hands impulsively and cried, Oh Prince Udo, oh my dear, I am so glad. Udo twirled his mustache and felt a very gay dog indeed. At breakfast, where Udo did himself extremely well, they discussed plans. The first thing was to summon the Countess into their presence. An attendant was sent to fetch her. If you would like me to conduct the interview, said Udo, I've no doubt that- I think I shall be all right now that you are with me. I shan't feel so afraid of her now. The attendant came in again. Her ladyship is not yet down, Your Royal Highness. Tell her that I wish to see her directly she is down, said the Princess. The attendant withdrew. You were telling me about this army of hers, said Udo. One of my ideas, I had a good many while I was, uh, in retirement, was that she could establish the army properly at her own expense, and that she herself should be perpetual, orderly, Sergeant. Isn't that a nice thing to be? Asked Hyacinth innocently. It's a horrible thing to be. Another of my ideas was that- The attendant came in again. Her ladyship is a little indisposed and is staying in bed for the present. Oh, did her ladyship say when she thought of getting up? Her ladyship didn't seem to think of getting up at all today. Her ladyship told me to say that she didn't seem to know when she'd get up again. The attendant withdrew, and Hyacinth and Udo, standing together in a corner, discussed the matter anxiously. I don't quite see what we can do, said Hyacinth. We can't pull her out of bed. Besides, she may really be ill, supposing she stays there forever. Of course, said Udo, it would be rather- You see, if we- We might possibly- Good morning, all! said Belvane, sweeping into the room. She dropped a profound curtsy to the princess. Your royal highness! And dear Prince Udo, looking his own charming self again! She had made a superb toilet. In her flowing gold brocade, cut square in front to reveal the whitest of necks, with her black hair falling in two braids to her knees, and twine with pearls which were caught up in loops at her waist, she looked indeed a queen. While Hyacinth and Udo, taken utterly by surprise, seemed to be two conspirators whom she had caught in the act of plotting against her. I- I thought you weren't well, Countess. Said Hyacinth, trying to recover herself. I- not well, cried Belvane, clasping her hands to her breast. I thought it was his royal highness, who- Ah, but he's looking a true prince now. She turned her eyes upon him. And there was, in that look, so much of admiration, humor, appeal, impudence. I don't know what, and Roger cannot tell us either, that Udo forgot entirely what he was going to say, and could only gaze at her in wonder. Her mere entry dazzled him. There is no knowing with a woman like Belvane, and I believe she had purposely kept herself plain during those last few days, so that she might have the weapon of her beauty to fall back upon in case anything went wrong. Things had indeed gone wrong. Udo had become a man again, and it was against the man that this last weapon was directed. Udo himself was only too ready. The fact that he was once more attractive to women meant as much as anything to him. To have been attractive to Hyacinth would have contented most of us, but Udo felt a little uncomfortable with her. He could not forget the last few days, nor the fact that he had once been an object of pity to her. Now Belvane had not pitied him. Hyacinth had got control of herself by this time. Enough of this, Countess. She said, with dignity, We have not forgotten the treason which you were plotting against the State. We have not forgotten your base attack upon our guest, Prince Udo. I order you now to remain within the confines of the palace until we shall have decided what to do with you. You may leave us. Belvane dropped her eyes meekly. I am at your royal highness's commands. I shall be in my garden when your royal highness wants me. She raised her eyes, gave one fleeting glance to Prince Udo, and withdrew. A hateful woman, said Hyacinth. What shall we do with her? I think, said Udo, that I had better speak to her seriously first. I have no doubt that I can drag from her the truth of her conspiracy against you. There may be others in it, in which case we shall have to proceed with caution. On the other hand it may be just misplaced zeal on her part, in which case- Was it misplaced zeal which made her turn you into a- Udo held up his hand hastily. I have not forgotten that, he said. Be sure I shall exact full reparation. Let me see which is the way to her garden. Hyacinth did not know quite what to make of her guests. At the moment when she first saw him in his proper form, the improvement on his late appearance had been so marked that he had seemed almost the handsome young prince of her dreams. Every minute after that had detracted from him. His face was too heavy, his manner was too pompous. One of these days he would be too fat. Moreover, he was just a little too sure of his position in her house. She had wanted his help, but she did not want so much of it as she seemed to be likely to get. Udo, feeling that it was going to be a rather nice day, went into Belvane's garden. He had been there once before. It seemed to him a very much prettier garden this morning, and the woman who was again waiting him much more desirable. Belvane made room for him on the seat next to her. This is where I sit when I write my poetry, she said. I don't know if your royal highness is fond of poetry. Extremely, said Udo. I have never actually ridden any, or indeed read much, but I have a great admiration for those who, uh, admire it. But it was not to talk about poetry that I came out here, Countess. No, said Belvane. But your royal highness must have read the works of Sakharino, the famous bard of Araby. Sakharino, of course. Blood for something, something. He who's something. I mean, it's a delightful little thing. Everybody knows it. But it was to talk about something very different that I— Blood for blood, and shun for shun. He who runs may read my rune. Quoted Belvane softly. It is perhaps Sakharino's most perfect gem. That's it! cried Udo excitedly. I knew I knew it, if only I could. He broke off suddenly, remembering the circumstances in which he had wanted it. He coughed importantly, and explained for the third time that he had not come to talk to her about poetry. But, of course, I think his most noble poem of all. Went on Belvane, apparently misunderstanding him. Is the ode to your royal highness upon your coming of age? Let me see, how does it begin? Prince Udo, so dashing and bold, is apparently eighteen years old. It is eighteen years since this wonderful prince was born in the palace, I am told. These court poets, said Udo with an air of unconcern. Flatter one, of course. If he expected a compliment, he was disappointed. There I cannot judge, said Belvane, until I know your royal highness better. She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. Is your royal highness very dashing? I, er, well, er, one, that is to say. He waited on uncomfortably, feeling less dashing every moment. He should have realized at once that it was an impossible question to answer. Your royal highness, said Belvane modestly, must not be too dashing with us poor Euralians. For the fourth time Udo explained that he had come there to speak to her severely. And that Belvane seemed to have mistaken his purpose. Oh, forgive me, Prince Udo. She begged. I quite thought that you had come out to commune soul to soul with a fellow lover of the beautiful. No, said Udo. Not exactly. Then what is it? She cried, clasping her hands eagerly together. I know it will be something exciting. Udo stood up. He felt that he could be more severe a little farther off. He moved a few yards away, and then turned round towards her, resting his elbow on the sundial. Countess. He began sternly. Ten days ago, as I was starting on my journey hither, I was suddenly just a moment. Said Belvane, whispering eagerly to herself rather than to him, and she jumped up with a cushion from the seat where she was sitting, and ran across and arranged it under his elbow. He would have been so uncomfortable. She murmured, and she hurried back to her seat again and sat down and gazed at him, with her elbows on her knees and her chin resting on her hands. Now go on telling me. She said breathlessly. Udo opened his mouth with the obvious intention of obeying her, but no words came. He seemed to have lost the thread of his argument. He felt a perfect fool, stuck up there with his elbow on a cushion, just as if he were addressing a public meeting. He looked at his elbow as if he expected to find a glass of water there ready, and Belvane divined his look, and made a movement as if she were about to get it for him. It would be just like her. He flung the cushion from him, Oh, mind my roses! cried Belvane, and came down angrily to her. Belvane looked at him with wide innocent eyes. You—you—oh, don't look like that! Like that? said Belvane, looking like it again. Don't do it! shouted Udo, and he turned and kicked the cushion down the flagged path. Stop it! Belvane stopped it. Do you know? she said. I'm rather frightened of you when you're angry with me. I am angry—very, very angry—excessively annoyed. I thought you were. she sighed. And you know very well why. She nodded her head at him. It's my dreadful temper, she said. I do such thoughtless things when I lose my temper. She sighed again and looked meekly at the ground. Well, you shouldn't, said Udo weakly. It was the slight to my sex that made me so angry. I couldn't bear to think that we women couldn't rule ourselves for such a short time, and that a man had to be called in to help us. She looked up at him shyly. Of course, I didn't know then what the man was going to be like. But now that I know— Suddenly, she held her arms out to him beseachingly. Stay with us, Prince Udo and help us. Men are so wise, so brave, so, so generous. They know nothing of the petty feelings of revenge that women indulge. Really, Countess? We—uh, you, er— of course there is a good deal in what you say, and I... I—erh." "'Won't you sit down again, Prince Udo?' Udo sat down next to her. "'And now,' said Belvane, "'let's talk it over comfortably, as friends should.'" Of course, began Udo. "'I quite see your point. You hadn't seen me. You didn't know anything about me. To you I might have been just any man.' "'I knew a little about you when you came here. And beneath the—erh—outward mask I saw how brave and dignified you were. But even if I could have got you back into your proper form again, I think I should have been afraid to, because I didn't know then how generous, how forgiving you were.' It seems to be quite decided that Udo was forgiving her. When a very beautiful woman thanks you humbly for something you have not yet given her, there is only one thing for a gentleman to do. Udo patted her hand reassuringly. "'Oh, thank you, your royal highness!' she gave herself a little shake, and jumped up. "'And now shall I show you my beautiful garden?' "'A garden with you in its dear countess is always beautiful,' he said garlandly. And it was not bad, I think, for a man who had been living on water-grass and brand-mash only the day before. They wandered round the garden together. Udo was now quite searchin' it was going to be a nice day. It was an hour later when he came into the library. Hyacinth greeted him eagerly. "'Well?' she said, Udo nodded his head wisely. "'I have spoken to her about her conduct to me,' he said. "'There will be no more trouble in that direction, I fancy. She explained her conduct to me very fully, and I have decided to overlook it this time.' "'But her robberies, her plots, her conspiracy against me?' Udo looked blankly at her for a moment and then pulled himself together. "'I am speaking to her about that this afternoon,' he said.