 A terrifying thought just occurred to me. I'm old. I started doing this in 1995. I published the first edition of my book, My Lignance of Love and Narcissism Revisited, in 1999. And then, it suddenly, suddenly crossed my mind. All the coaches, online. All the narcissistic abuse experts. All those people who come with training programs, healing programs, give me your money programs, I mean, retreats, resorts, transatlantic flights, the space shuttle and I don't know what else they're going to come with to help you co-dependence and for victims of unadulterated narcissists. All these people, when I started my work, they were teenagers. They would have been hard pressed, if you ask me, to spell the word narcissism if their lives depended on it. They were 15 years old, 12 years old, even 10 years old, when I started my work. And in many, many respects, my genes are in them. They are all my intellectual children. They don't even know it, but most of them are using my language, the language I invented. It's a sixth or seventh generation removed from me. Many of them have never heard of me and don't know who I am. But it's gratifying. In many respects, it's gratifying. Because I'm like this, you know, great-great-granddaddy, and I look around me and I see grandkids and great-grandkids. I have a family. By now, tens of millions of people. And I know that I started all this. In 1995, I had the first website and all the support groups online. And until 2004, I was all alone. That's a long time. Anyhow, my bridge partners at the time were all dinosaurs before they had emigrated to Jurassic Park. And they are the ones who gave me the nickname, desiccated reptile. They thought I'm ancient. They loved me. They used to call me, Vakni, you desiccated reptile, you. Why does that have anything to do with anything? Well, because today we're going to deal with two topics. Now, cystic abuse comes in two flavors. It has two faces, and they are chronological. So it has to do with time. And the second topic is the stupidity of narcissists. Narcissists as seriously stupid people, as dummies, the quintessential, perennial, epitomized dummies. And I'm going to link these two together because the big problem of narcissists is that they never learn. They're incapable of learning. Because they're incapable of learning, they're incapable of change. Because they're incapable of change. They continue with the same behavior or set of behaviors completely regardless of changing circumstances or even who had entered and exited their lives. They are like life blind. You know some people are color blind? Narcissists are life blind. They don't see life. Or if they see life, they see life as a procession of penumbraal, dim shades, shadows. They live in shadow land. They're inside the platonic cave. They are the shadows on the walls. So I'm going to try to link all these together if you bear with me. And why my screen flickers all the time in my videos? Because I don't want to see you as I am. I don't want you to faint. And I don't want to incur medical liability. And this leads me to two of your questions. I will deal with these two questions and then we'll go to the main topic. First question is, Sam, what is the difference between sadistic supply and narcissistic supply? Well, let me illustrate it with an example. Let's say that a bottom-of-the-barrel lady posts a comment on one of my YouTube videos and she says, Sam, you're hot, you're sexy. Now, if I were to accept this comment as affirmation of my irresistibility and my godlike handsomeness, that would have been narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply is any information, any date, any datum, any data coming from the outside and serving to buttress, uphold and augment the narcissist's grandiosity. The narcissist is promiscuous as far as his sources of supply. He is indiscriminate. Any positive comment, any adulation and admiration are welcome. Or if he cannot be admired, he can be feared, he can be envied. That's good enough. Even narcissistic supply that consists of insults, attacks is preferable to being ignored or not being noticed. Narciss needs to be seen. He doesn't particularly care if he is loved or hated as long as he is noticed. So this is narcissistic supply. Now, sadistic supply is if I were to receive the same comment from the same lady. You are hot, you're sexy, you are unbelievably handsome. And then what I would do is I would react. I would respond by saying, are you legally blind or did you run out of medication? That's a sadistic part. And I would do it publicly in order to humiliate her irreversibly and in front of everyone. And then I would delete the comment having made sure that others saw it and then I would block her. This is sadistic supply. It has nothing to do with my grandiosity directly, but it has a lot to do with my grandiosity indirectly because it upholds my sense of omnipotence. Causing pain to another person implies that I have the power to cause pain to another person. And this power is part and parcel of my grandiose self-perception. Sadistic supply is in a way the most pure and unadulterated state of narcissistic supply because there are two components to sadistic supply. Contempt I don't need you. I don't need you even as a source of supply. I am so far superior to you that there is nothing you can say or do that is relevant to my life and that is any implications for me. You are totally meaningless. A random speck of dust. So this is the first message in sadistic supply. And the second message in sadistic supply I have the power to hurt you. I have the power to cause a change in your internal mental state and that is the ultimate power of course. There is no power greater than this. I can take away your money, I can take away your house, I can take away your job, I can take away anything from you, but you still are a master of your state of mind. And here I am interfering as well. That is the ultimate apotheosis that makes me really, really divine. So sadistic supply is the purest form of narcissistic supply and the narcissistic experience sadistic supply as elation as a drug high incomparable to narcissistic supply. That is especially true if the narcissist is a bit sadistic or a lot sadistic or if he is a psychopathic narcissist. Psychopaths find it hilarious to cause pain to other people. It is their type of sense of humor. They think a joke is to cut someone's ear or to steal his money. That's a joke. That's their way of joking. So that's the difference between sadistic supply and narcissistic supply. The sadistic supply is so addictive. So much more potent than narcissistic supply that often the narcissist would sacrifice narcissistic supply in order to generate sadistic supply. And I keep giving the example of a woman who comes to the narcissist and offers herself and she is drop dead gorgeous and the sexiest thing on earth. And here she is offering herself to the narcissist. Yes, it did happen to me quite a few times. And the narcissist would prefer to not have sex with her. Because frustrating her humiliating her rejecting her, especially in public gives him high gives him satisfaction and gratification which far exceed anything the sex itself or the narcissistic supply of boasting about the sex could give him later on. Once the narcissist has been exposed to sadistic supply most narcissists are converts. They convert to the new religion. The overwhelming vast majority of narcissists prefer narcissistic supply until they had experienced sadistic supply. From that moment they are addicted to crack cocaine not to normal cocaine because it's far stronger it's a far stronger drug and so the way to convert a narcissist to a sadistic narcissist or a psychopathic narcissist is to give him the power to hurt and humiliate others especially publicly. This is an experience that will convert him and transform him it's on the way to Damascus it's an epiphany it's a religious experience from which the narcissist never recovers he's changed forever he's transformed. Next question and last one people are writing to me this expert or that expert self-styled may I add this expert or that expert they say that all psychopaths are narcissists where here's the rule of thumb anyone and I don't care if they have a doctor before their name or a doctor after their name anyone who says that all psychopaths are narcissists has no idea what he or she are talking about they are utterly ignorant of the field utterly this is like one-on-one if they don't know this then they are con artists they are scamming you they are fakes not all psychopaths are narcissists not all psychopaths are narcissists these people these self-styled experts they are confusing narcissism with grandiosity now most psychopaths are grandiose the PCLR which is a test test for psychopathy written originally by Robert Hare and then improved Babyac and others improved it the PCLR its latest reiteration every reiteration from the very beginning included a dimension of grandiosity and for good reason all psychopaths are grandiose but narcissism is not grandiosity grandiosity is an element in narcissism it's like confusing a dish with garlic grandiosity is the garlic in the dish it's a spice it's an element it's a color it's a hue of narcissism it's not narcissism on the very contrary there are serious distinctions between psychopaths and narcissists for example psychopaths don't need narcissistic supply to regulate the sense of self-worth so major difference major distinction between the two the two types generally and you can go online I mean on my channel there are a few videos which discuss the differences between narcissists and psychopaths again I'm telling you when you come across someone online and don't be impressed with the title doctor when you come across someone online who claims to be an expert check check check have they ever done research on the subject have they published anything on narcissism have they studied narcissists have they participated in any experiment in any test in any study of narcissism if they haven't they're experts psychopaths are grandiose but only some of them are narcissists psychopaths for example have no false self which is the crucial construct in narcissism there's no narcissism without false self only borderlines and narcissists have false self borderlines as well are grandiose exactly like psychopaths that's why today we are beginning to to bleed in the diagnosis we are beginning to consider borderlines as secondary psychopaths but psychopaths have no false self there is no narcissism without false self they don't need supply I mentioned they are goal oriented and they have a variety of monopoly of goals money, sex, power the narcissist is not goal oriented the narcissist is an addict he is addicted to narcissistic supply if you want to call it a goal then that's his goal the meaning of his life it's also what keeps him together it's also what makes him tick money, sex and power don't have the same psychodynamic functions in psychopathy as narcissistic supply does in narcissism the psychopath is impulsive and defiant it's very rare with narcissists the psychopath is antisocial most narcissists are pro-social narcissists have to be pro-social because they have to extract narcissistic supply from other people they have to learn how to work with other people how to collaborate with people how to motivate people how to lead people how to drive people they need people psychopaths don't need people psychopaths are lone wolves give me a break I am shocked to see this so called expert spewing such unmitigated nonsense so authoritatively and confidently please do your homework check, verify don't trust don't be ashamed to ask directly excuse me doctor this and this have you ever done research on narcissism? have you ever published anything on narcissism? where? when? are you teaching narcissism in the university that you allegedly belong to? I mean don't take everything for granted and face value caveatempto isn't this the first lesson you have learned from narcissistic abuse? don't trust appearances don't trust claims don't trust love-bombing because these coaches and experts are love-bombing you they're grooming you they want your money don't be eternal victims first of your abuser then people who are supposed to extricate you from your abuse and then abuse you second time differently okay, let's get to business I want to read to you two short poems by William Blake William Blake was an illustrator and a poet and he had huge influence in the 1950s and 60s and 70s on a whole generation of poets and illustrators and animators he was the father of many poets in modernity he lived between the years 1757 and 1827 and he had written two ditties in a way less than a poem and they're long forgotten but they're very interesting as an illustration of narcissism and the dynamics that lead to narcissism listen well a little boy lost that's the title of the first poem not loves another as itself no, nothing loves another as itself, nobody loves another as himself not this 19th century language I'm sorry, not loves another as itself, nor venerates another soul nor is it possible to thought a greater than itself to know excellent summary of narcissism the child and father how can I love you or any of my brothers more I love you like the little bird that picks up crumbs around the door the priest set by and heard the child trembling zeal he seized his hair and led him by his little coat and all admired the priestly care standing and these are the self-styled experts as I just mentioned standing on the altar high low, I mean the priest is saying he's standing on the altar and he's holding the small kid by the hair and he says, low what a thing is here, said he one who sets risen up for judge of our most holy mystery the weeping child could not be heard the weeping parents wept in vain they stripped him to his little shirt and bound him in an iron chain and burned him in a holy place where many had been burned before the weeping parents wept in vain, are such things done on Albion's shore and online the second the second kind of verse is a response in a way to the first it's called the little boy found remember he was lost in the previous in Frida's poem he was lost now in this one he's found the little boy found then led by the wandering light began to cry but God, even I appeared like his father in white he kissed the child and by the hand led and to his mother brought who in sorrow paled through the lonely day the little boy weeping sought I have never seen a more accurate summary of narcissism the inner dynamics of narcissism how narcissists are created by parental mistreatment and abuse in a variety of ways how society reacts to narcissism by demonizing, castigating, humiliating isolating, shunning punishing how the narcissist then withdraws and develops defences and how the narcissist at the very end keeps seeking his mother keeps trying to push you to parentify he wants you to be his mother this is a this is a perfect I mean these two poems together perfect perfectly captured the dynamics of the adult narcissists and this leads me directly to the two phases of narcissistic abuse one of the most confusing aspects I think of pathological narcissism is that identical behaviors have entirely different psychodynamic etiologies you see the narcissist behaving in a certain way then the next day he behaves exactly the same way but the reason he behaved that way yesterday is not the same reason he behaves the same way today the same behavior in the narcissists have totally different reasons inside him an internal psychodynamic processes that lead to it it's like the narcissist has a limited repertory of behaviors he has like two three behaviors he has a million reasons a million processes a million developments inside him inside him it's chaos inside him it's a vortex it's a hurricane inside him there's a clash of constructs of introjects of delusions of bits and pieces snippets and shards of reality it's a giant kaleidoscope but then when it interfaces with reality when it interacts with you the narcissist is limited in his choice of behaviors to one or two or three and because of that it's very confusing you see the same behavior recurring happening again and again the narcissist is a repetition machine or as Freud called it as repetition compulsion but the repetition does not signify that the same thing is happening to him inside what you see is not what you get what you see outside the behaviors teach you nothing nothing close to nothing about what's happening in the narcissist's mind prior to the behavior and consider for example the connection between abuse and parentifying the intimate partner here's the conundrum the narcissist tries to convert people in his life into parental figures I've said it in several recent videos and when he tries to convert you into his mother or she tries to convert you into her father it's more typically the borderline narcissist but as the narcissist tries to convert you into a parent a mother, a father this also recreates reenacts triggers unresolved childhood conflicts if you become the narcissist's mother he has unsettled accounts with you he has bad memories with you you have caused him pain in your previous incarnation as his mother everything, he brings the whole baggage he brings a trolley of unfinished business into your relationship with him when you become his mother and he expects you to soothe him to comfort him to resolve for him what his original mother had failed to resolve he expects you to provide him with safety and security to become a safe base he expects in other words he repeats the same traumatic sequence expecting a totally different result this time which is commonly the definition of insanity the narcissist is retraumatized he starts off with you as a woman then a lover and then you become his mother it's like a nightmarish transmogrification it's like in a horror movie where you go to sleep with one person you wake up in the morning and next to you there's a monster, someone else the narcissist goes to sleep with his wife with his lover with his intimate partner and he wakes up in the morning with his mother in bed and that's the very mother who hurt him beyond words who caused him excruciating pain anguish that he couldn't tolerate to the point that he had sacrificed himself and created another self she is trauma reified she is the pain of his life she is the anguish in his soul and he converts you into her he makes you her become her and now of course this retraumatizes him it opens old wounds from women do you remember that the narcissist wants any two or three he wants supply sadistic or narcissistic he wants sex adventurous sex he wants a playmate and he wants services services as housewife personal assistant, housekeeper, business partner but above all services as a mother services as a mother he wants services that come together with unconditional acceptance and unconditional love not dependent upon performance or upon behavior similarly from men the narcissist wants both supply sadistic and narcissistic and services usually in business and outside these transitions the narcissist wants to be left completely alone to his own devices he wants to do as he pleases that is his psychopathic side the antisocial element he wants he wants to be free as the wind he wants to be unencumbered it's a form of defiance you know you will not tell me what to do I am my own master and nobody is servant he has this in him and this is a clash between needs the need for supply the need for maternal love the need for acceptance the need for business and the need to be alone the schizoid streak paranoid psychopathic streak in every narcissist there is this clash of the titans constantly within him trying to convert you into a mother also for this reason because a mother's constant presence is understandable and acceptable you can be alone when you are with mother this is separation individuation that's what a child does a child is with mother physically but he is not with mother mentally he separates from mother he becomes an individual individuation when the mother is a safe base it is safe not to be in the base because there is always she is always there you can come back to her whenever you need her she is there she is object constant that's object constancy so the narcissist cannot survive with an intimate partner he cannot survive with a business partner he cannot survive with a friend narcissists have no friends they have many many people around them they have many psycho funds but they don't have a real friend intimate, soul friend, soul mate so narcissists cannot get along with other people in their life they cannot the narcissist needs his space and its infinite space to reflect the infinite space inside himself the narcissist externalizes his emptiness externalizes his void he creates a void and an emptiness around himself and this void an emptiness of firewall it's not a boundary boundary is something else boundary is a rule of contact it's not a boundary it's a fence the narcissist fences himself off the world, off reality he allows some people into the enclave he allows some people to the garden he even allows some people into his home but he gets tired of them very fast they irritate him, they get on his nerves and he tends to become abusive and sadistic and in order to survive with an intimate partner in the long term he needs to convert her into a parental figure because you can't survive with mother and father indefinitely but you are very likely to lose your wife if you keep abusing her to assuage, to reduce the abandonment anxiety the narcissist needs to convert everyone around him, not only an intimate partner, also a business partner everyone around, even a service provider narcissist parentifies everyone and in the process of rendering everyone a mother a father in the process in this process the narcissist becomes a child he regresses so whenever the narcissist is forced to accept someone in his life to countenance the presence of someone in his life to accept someone's emotions attachment, bonding love, warmth acceptance whenever he is forced he wants to or needs to whenever there is no other choice it's a last resort he immediately parentifies the person so if he has an intimate spouse he would try to convert her into a mother figure if he has a business partner gradually he would push him to become a father collaborator, a colleague also he would push him to become fathers father figures he parentifies everyone around him because it's the only way that allows him to survive with other people on a constant long term basis but here's the problem no one would agree to these terms no one wants to be parentified you don't want to be parentified, you want a man you as a woman you don't want to be a mother you want to be a partner you want to be a lover very much, but you don't want to be a mother you the narcissist business partner you didn't you didn't bargain for you didn't agree to become his father that's not the bargain you had struck that's not the deal you've made with him it's not a transaction you would countenance you want to be his business partner you want to make money together maybe we have fun together maybe travel a bit here and there go on vacations, fishing expeditions together but you never agree to be his father so people resent this parentifying they get very angry at the narcissist they feel manipulated abused somehow they feel that he's forcing on them an identity which is not theirs he's coercing them to behave in ways behaving ways which are alien to them and this process is called projective identification the narcissist parentifies using a monopoly of defense mechanisms and manipulative behaviors some of them elicits, some of them explicit some of them overt, some of them, many of them covert and in this sense the narcissist uses many co-dependent strategies that's why there's a lot of confusion between narcissists and co-dependents it's both of them both of them make use of an armory of a repertory of manipulative tactics which are basically identical and so no one would accept this preferred and offered deal if a narcissist were to come to you honestly as a woman and say listen I love you very much, I want to be with you for the rest of my life let's have children let's have a family together my only condition is that you'll be my mother of course you'll tell him to evolve and go looking for a normal man narcissist knows that so he fakes emotions he lies he fakes emotions he fakes commitment he makes false promises and this massive fraud is what we call love-bombing it's intended to pull the wool over your eyes it's intended to cloud your judgment it's intended to brainwash you and gradually it drives you into a psychotic shared fantasy this is the shared fantasy so here's the sequence narcissists want you but he wants you to be his mother or if you're a business partner or a friend he wants you to be his father you don't agree, you disagree you don't accept this assigned role, this emergent role so the narcissist is to himself the only way to get her to be my mother the only way to get him to be my father is to lie I will fake emotions I will fake commitment I will make false promises I will behave in fraudulent ways I will mislead them and gradually I will drag them into my psychotic space into my shared fantasy they will become addicted to my presence to my sense of humor to my intelligence and of course to my irresistible handsomeness and they will never be able to leave it's like a spider with a spider web it's sticky there is stickiness there's a concept in information technology stickiness it's like you go to a page web page and you have to come back and again and again it's addictive it's a long face and again I want to emphasize it's not only in romantic relationships or romantic courtship it's in business, it's in the workplace it's with neighbors, it's in church this is the modus operandi the MO method of operation of the narcissist identifying possible sources sources of services sources of supply, sources of sex identifying possible sources lying to them creating false hopes creating a dreamlike state dragging them into a psychotic shared fantasy and then forcing them to parentify what's the target or the source is acquired Hoover the narcissist sees no reason to continue the act mission accomplished and then he reveals his true agenda to extract adulation narcissistic supply to abuse and humiliate sadistic supply to engage in sex including sadistic sex with women or sexual partner into demand services and beneficial outcomes such as money, celebrity access, power, that's more of a psychopathic streak so the first stage he puts on a show for you a whole theater production you're the audience you fall for it you enter the shared fantasy you suspend judgment you ignore reality the fantasy is you he reflects an idealized image of you to yourself makes it possible for you to love yourself I discussed all this in other videos and so you're in the shared fantasy now and now he says to himself mission accomplished the fly is trapped in the spider web and no amount in every movement you make any attempt to extricate yourself to run away to just just wraps the spider web most strongly around you and so at this stage and now he says I got her she's mine I acquired her why continue the charade this charade, this act that I put on in order to capture her in order to acquire her takes a lot of energy, a lot of time a lot of resources, imaginations why should I continue this and he doesn't, he stops and then the mask the mask slips the mask slips and you see the real noses and he comes equipped with a list of what he wants the three s's in essence the narcissist expects his partners both intimate and business to act as his greatest fans adventurers or slottish playmates co-conspirators and parental figures and now I'm coming to the two phases two phases and two phases of narcissistic abuse you know there are two stages in the narcissist's relationships in which he tends to be egregiously and cruelly abusive he's abusive all the time but in these two phases he really outdoes himself he really excels he really stands out the first one is during the shared fantasy the second one is during the interstitial or bargaining stage when you put these two together the two forms of maltreatment mistreatment constitute the narcissist the second pronged approach avoidance repetition compulsion so there's a shared fantasy approach egregious abuse horrible abuse narcissistic abuse avoidance interstitial or bargaining stage again egregious abuse horrible abuse narcissistic abuse of another same narcissistic abuse but for a different reason you will see in a minute the total avoidance usually break up so this constitutes approach avoidance repetition compulsion the repetition compulsion of the narcissist is punctuated with narcissistic abuse its height its highs and lows the highs are a narcissistic abuse and there are two major highs narcissistic abuse during the shared fantasy and narcissistic abuse during the interstitial bargaining phase at this stage I recommend that you watch my videos about shared fantasy only the abuse in the shared fantasy phase is a recreation of the original conflict with the narcissist mother so in the fantasy space in the shared fantasy you act as the narcissist mother you become more and more maternal even if you don't want to it's stronger than you he forces you in a variety of ways manipulates you subtly and openly so that at the end you succumb you want to make him happy you want to avoid conflicts whatever the reason may be you become more and more maternal more and more of a mother and gradually you begin to see him more and more as a child and of course during this phase he regards you totally as his mother and this triggers the conflicts and the pain and the hurt that he had with his mother this is known as the archaic wound or in Joanne Lachkar's term v-sport vulnerability sport once you become the narcissist mother in the shared fantasy he reacts to you as his mother he rejects you he resents you he abuses you he tests you to see if you really love him unconditionally pushes you away he behaves as a child who is with a very insecure attachment style and all his behavior during this phase is compulsive very often unconscious he wants to make sure that you are a good enough mother in his childhood he had a bad mother a dead mother an instrumentalizing mother an objectifying mother an overwinning mother wrong kind of mother wrong kind of mother who did not provide him with a safe base an object constancy now he can't get it wrong a second time he wants to make sure that you are not this kind of mother so he pushes you to other men will you cheat on him he tortures you, will you abandon him he abuses you will you break he wants to see that you are resilient you are strong that you can support him, be there for him that you are a safe base he recreates all the original conflicts all the dynamics all the emotions and the hurt and the pain erupt like volcanic like a volcanic event like a campaign will you be buried for millennia or will you survive somehow and all this as I said is compulsive and unconscious most of it and therefore not amenable to behavior modification it's not like if you make the narcissist self-aware if it's oh I'm really mistreating the poor woman it's going to change his behavior it can't change his behavior even emotional insight can have any effect on compulsive and unconscious behaviors compulsive and unconscious behaviors require therapy profound therapy, I'm serious therapy and in this particular case the compulsion is all uncompensive, it's all pervasive the compulsion in this case has to do not with fear of some bad things that might happen typical compulsion has to do with fear some kind of fear, fear that something bad will happen something bad will happen to someone you love or something like that this particular compulsion is fear that something bad will happen to you as a narcissist narcissist is fighting for his life the narcissist made a human sacrifice when the false self was created the narcissist made a human sacrifice he sacrificed his true self to the false self the false self was like a model like a idol like a bloodthirsty inka god and the narcissist put his true self on the altar and took out the beating heart that was the first human sacrifice and you're the second you are now being sacrificed to the false self you're the next human sacrifice that the narcissist is offering to his divinity to his godhead you can't control it because human sacrifice assuages fear reduces anxiety and guarantees good benevolent favorable outcomes and if the sacrifice is not made if you piss off the gods if you get on the wrong side if you are on the wrong column in the ledger the jews believe there's a ledger of course if you get in the wrong column in the ledger then you die it's a struggle for survival struggle to exist it's life or death his life your death this is during the shared funds now same behaviors same behaviors narcissistic abuse classic everything the whole repertoire the whole spectrum of behaviors in another phase of the relationship known as the interstitial bargaining phase but this time the reason for the behaviors is completely different it is instrumental it is goal-focused so in the shared fantasy the behaviors are compulsive they're unconscious and they tend to I mean the reason for abusing you the reason for subjecting you to narcissistic abuse is to test your maternity to test how maternal you are to test whether you can be a good enough mother during the bargaining phase you are again subjected to all these behaviors but for another reason entirely and the reason is he wants you gun he wants you out of his life once the mask had slipped and the narcissist's true face and intentions are exposed both men and women feel bemused, deceived angry, mad, furious, disappointed heartbroken people feel that they were made fools of that they were cheated and they start to mourn their relationship and they go through the classic stages of grief described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross they go through denial they go through anger they go through bargaining depression and acceptance during the bargaining phase people pose demands and the narcissist pushes them away and upsents himself that is followed by depression and it is during this phase that women for example I mean the spouses cheat cheating occurs in this stage deceitful cheating discreet cheating and then there is acceptance acceptance is when the partner gives up on the narcissist walks away from the narcissist and some partners retaliate women retaliate by cheating egregiously and ostentatiously or by absconding with the family finances men retaliate by smearing the narcissist replacing the narcissist with others absconding with these ideas or intellectual property but there is some kind of retaliation in some of the cases so there is a shared fantasy in the shared fantasy there is narcissistic abuse intended to test the parental credentials of the partners intimate partners or business partners or friends so there is a lot of abuse but this is compulsive abuse unconscious abuse and the narcissist cannot modify his behavior or control it people begin to give up they say what the hell do you want to do with that's not the men I wanted to do business with that's not the colleague I know I've met the first time so they begin to give up at first they deny then they get angry and then they bargain they post demands they say shape up shape up or shape out change your behavior do this do that don't do this don't do that there is a lot of bargaining going on during this bargaining phase interstitial one phase again the narcissist engages in narcissistic abuse but this time he becomes abusive consciously knowingly in a premeditated intentional deliberate manner he uses abuse because he wants to get rid of men and women in the bargaining phase he abuses and undermines the intimacy the business the collaboration because he wants to push people to replace him and then to abandon you and he doesn't care if they cheat on him like a woman if a woman cheats on him he doesn't care that he's pushing them away he wants them gone the minute people exit the shirt fantasy mentally and begin to pose terms and conditions begin to make demands begin to demand changes and alterations the narcissist wants nothing to do with them he just they become a nuisance they become irritating they get on his nerves and he wants them gone because he wants to move on find the next target the next intimate barber the next business barber which he could then try to parentify and push into a new shirt fantasy that's what I'm describing now is the discard phase unlike the shirt fantasy phase narcissistic abuse in the bargaining phase is a repelling behavior it's not repetition combat it doesn't involve any early life trauma any conflict with the mother any conflict with the father it is an MO some method of operation and the narcissist uses narcissistic applies narcissistic abuse to men to women to collectives to authority figures the narcissist can apply narcissistic abuse to a whole school to the army to workplaces and depending on his position even to countries a clear distinction must be made between the behaviors that constitute narcissistic abuse during the shirt fantasy and the same identical behaviors during the bargaining phase in the shirt fantasy these are compulsive behaviors which are intended to parentify the the opposite the counterparty parentify the intimate partner the spouse, the lover, the friend the business partner narcissistic abuse at this stage in the shirt fantasy is intended to parentify and to test to check to verify, to prove the bona fide of the of the target so narcissistic abuse in the shirt fantasy is intended to establish that you are really a good mother that you will never abandon that you will never cheat on him or betray him that you will always be there like a safe base like a rock that you will accept him and love him and condition etc etc narcissistic abuse during the bargaining phase is the exact opposite logic and aim and target and purpose to drive you away to never see you again to get rid of you and the outcomes of this ineluctable process in the bargaining phase is to find himself again alone abandoned by everyone so the bargaining phase is the stage in the relationship where the narcissist tells himself that had been a wrong choice she can't really be a good enough mother he can't really be a good enough father I need to find a new mother I need to find a new father I need to get rid of these people I need to clean my life I need to cleanse my life you know relationship cleansing I need to get rid of my wife my lover my girlfriend I need to get rid of my business bar all my friends they are not good parental figures they are not good fathers I need to start from scratch clean slate is a favourable phrase of the narcissist they are very tenorant they always start with a clean slate from zero it's like a chess game so the outcome of the bargaining phase 100% of the time is that the narcissist finds himself alone but women and men react differently to the narcissistic abuse in the bargaining phase women hurt the narcissist they can cheat on him for example and they do it in a way which is ostentatious public humiliate clear to him or sometimes in his presence with him as a witness so that's one way not all women cheat of course at this stage but they will seek to hurt him somehow it's not revenge revenge is an attempt to re-establish balance to restore cosmic justice that's not the aim the psychodynamic aim here women retaliate via cheating via they can engage in a smear campaign they can destroy the narcissist business they can inform the authorities about crimes the narcissist is committing they can alienate his children but whatever they do it has it's not exactly revenge there's an element of course there's an element of vengeance and spitefulness in the retaliation and there is an element of self empowerment and restoration of justice all these elements exist but that's not the main motivation the main motivation is to hurt to inform the narcissist to force the narcissist to experience the pain that he had caused the partner to give him a taste of his own medication but not in the vengeful sense just to it's an act of sharing actually it's like you cause me so much pain you hurt me so much and for no good reason I loved you or I wanted to work with you or I wanted to be a friend you simply wounded me to the quick I'm bleeding, I'm dying why did you do it for? do you know how it feels? let me show you how it feels and then women would engage in these retaliatory activities and ironically this just proves to him that all women are like his mother it recreates a trauma with his mother and it recreates a trauma with his mother alone the partner is no longer with him to serve as a buffer and a resonance and a firewall he's all alone and here is this female figure and she is vengeful she's retaliating she's hurting him she's causing him a normal pain she's humiliating him in public and so he re-experiences his mother but he has no one by his side to share it with and to support him and so he disintegrates completely and this is the process known as narcissistic modification which I advise you to again to search for videos that I've made on this topic only women have this power only women have the power to cause modification to a narcissistic men and vice versa only men have the power to cause modification to narcissistic women back to the example of the male narcissist once they are discarded via the bargaining phase narcissistic abuse men can only cause the narcissist extreme narcissistic injury but never modification they can act aggressively they can they can punish him they can deprive him of something they can take away something from him they can, I mean as men do testosterone laden and aggression infused and this causes injury of course in humiliation and vindictiveness in the narcissistic and so on and so forth and he externalizes his reaction and then he becomes psychopathic in effect or he interiorizes the pain and the hurt and so on and he becomes depressed he is humiliated men humiliate the narcissist and then walk away and team up with other people in full sight of the narcissist but only women have the power to cause him modification men and women like people are a burden and a drain from the narcissist energy for two reasons one, he regards people as inferior he holds people in contempt and two, he resents his total dependence on the very people that he holds in contempt he needs from people narcissistic supply he can't live without it he falls apart without it and yet he holds the sources of supply in total disdain he hates them to summarize women cheat on the narcissist or deceive the narcissist or betray the narcissist only because and only when the narcissist had first abused them abused them by lying to them making false promises giving them false hopes and false dreams and refusing to commit in a diet so there's this and then there are active behaviors humiliating them, rejecting them beating them up insulting them undermining them, undervaluing them passive-aggressively otherwise narcissistic abuse women intimate partners cheat deceive and betray because the narcissist drove them to cheat, deceive and betray no one starts a relationship saying to herself well, great I'm in this in order to cheat, betray and abandon narcissists drives pushes away his partner but narcissistic abuse has two phases, the first phase the narcissist can't help it he uses narcissistic abuse to convert his partner into a mother or father figure and then test whether the conversion process had been successful or to what extent it had been successful and then in the bargaining phase he uses narcissistic abuse to get rid of these people abuse during shared fantasy always leads to deceitful behavior and to betrayal but this betrayal is usually hidden, discreet so there's a lot of deceit introduced into the relationship cheating is one form of deceit some women attempt some intimate partners, attempt to keep their deceitful behavior, conduct and I'm saying again cheating is one form of deceitful belief there are many others so intimate partners try to keep their deceit plausibly denial they construct the deceit or they engage in the deceit in a way that they can deny it and the denial will sound plausible other intimate partners try to convert deceitful actions like deceitful cheating into ostentatious actions because they can't take it anymore or because they have reached the bargaining phase they presented the list of 65 theses like Martin Luther at the beginning of protestatism they nailed the list of 65 theses to the door and they say to the masses here are the 65 things you must do if you want us to stay together and then the Nazis answer is invariably well if this is what I have to do I don't want to stay together many women, many intimate partners cheat others deceive in other ways and they usually do it with other people if it's cheating it's usually casual partners all this takes place in the shared fantasy but all of them still strive to maintain the relationship after the deceit after the cheating they do it for self-interest reasons and they do it because they are emotionally invested in the relationship it's known as the sunk cost fallacy the cheating if it's cheating or the deceit they are intended to satisfy the range of profoundly unmet emotional and physical needs of the partner but the partner keeps on keeping on the partner futile soothes and hopes for commitment and for investment of the narcissist part partners intimate partners, business partners, friends rarely give up on the narcissist that easily because most narcissists are actually interesting entertaining useful so it's hard to give up on the narcissist on the other hand the narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy phase is so horrible so outlandish, so inhuman that everyone around the narcissist is driven to establish an alternative outside the remit of the relationship away from the gaze of the narcissist in other words everyone is driven to deceive the narcissist because they need they have needs which are not met by the narcissist they have other needs which are cruelly frustrated by the narcissist and they must team up with other people to make up for it to compensate for it or they will die at least internally die mentally die as the abuse continues unabated also during the failed bargaining phase it leads to ostentatious cheating ostentatious betrayal ostentatious deception and this time it's usually with intimate partners with intimate friends with family members this time at the end of the bargaining phase it's clear that everything is breaking up that there is no future and no hope and now usually the partner introduces people she or he can trust into the mix and for example if the intimate partner cheats on the narcissist in the bargaining phase she is very unlikely to cheat with casual strangers but she would cheat with a best friend again you see the reactions to narcissistic abuse are very different statistically women who cheat on their narcissistic spouses during the shared fantasy within the shared fantasy do it with strangers or casual acquaintances as a form of one night stand because they still have hope and they are still committed they are still trying to salvage whatever is possible women who cheat the same women same women exposed to the same narcissistic abuse but it is during the bargaining phase where everything clearly is lost they again cheat but they cheat with intimate partners with friends and when I say cheat it is an example of deceptive behaviour there are many others a business partner during the shared fantasy would collaborate with other firms other businessmen competitors even against the narcissist but he would try to make it during the shared fantasy he would try to make it you know but then in the bargaining phase when the business partner is exposed to the same mistreatment the business partner will be looking for new partners long term stable new partners same with friends same principles apply to all the all the relationships of the narcissist and the narcissist facilitates this misconduct with his uninterrupted abuse as an attempt to regain a false sense of mastery and to delusionally reframe an impending external modification as an internal one let me explain this the narcissist abuses all the time shared fantasy not shared fantasy bargaining you name it abuse is a constant background noise in a relationship with the narcissist the narcissist is trying to do this he is doing this also because it gives him a sense of control a sense of mastery he prefers he made a choice as a child to be the abuser not the abused and it helps him to delusionally reframe the inevitable conclusion of the relationship not as an external modification but as an internal modification let me explain narcissist knows that he is pushing his spouse away he knows this and he knows she is going to cheat on him he knows this too or he knows she is going to deceive him or betray him in some way he knows this now he has two options he can deceive himself as a total victim weakling helpless that is not the narcissist way or he can escalate his abuse so that in the end he can tell himself I made her do it I pushed her to do it she didn't act autonomously or independently she was my instrument she was my tool it is my abuse the torture inflicted on her that drove her to misbehave the way she did I am still the master she is still an object I am still in control she is still an unwitting instrument and this is the narcissist way the narcissist is a child the poor items the eternal adolescent is infuriating but he is lovable children generally are both infuriating and lovable but when the narcissist is sadistic contemptuous exploitative there are no redeeming or endearing features in any setting in an intimate relationship in the workplace narcissists are not only eternal children they are eternal spoiled brats they are eternal malevolent children like in the Henry James stories they are children of the corn you know they are lifted off a horror movie they are the kind of children you don't want to see in a nightmare people lose all respect for the narcissists they are a sadistic bully and they are also not afraid of the narcissists because he is gradually perceived as a clown buffoonish a Jerry Springer loser and so people reach a kind of middle ground where they contemptuously take from the narcissist whatever is his and whatever he gives willingly or not willingly and they do it with impunity and they do it with glee with joy because taking from the narcissist is a way to cutting him down to size pulling him down a peg you know retaliating from afar remotely they respect him because I don't know he's a movie star or he's intelligent or he's a genius or he's a handsome genius and that's the hello effect the hello effect that I mentioned in the previous video they attribute to the narcissist wisdom, maturity because he is a genius or because he is handsome but when they get to know the narcissist up close they lose all respect they lose all respect and sometimes they just pity the narcissist when they first make contact with the narcissist they start off by respecting the narcissist greatly they are even all, odd there's all but having come to know the narcissist a bit better they regard him as a pathetic pathetic person a loser never mind if he is the president of the United States he is a loser because your position in life and how much money you have these are not the parameters of success parameters of success are inner balance and happiness and outer outer seamless compatibility with society we are social animals so they regard him as a mentally ill, obnoxious grandiose and in a way invalid, crippled on the one hand they feel deceived they feel driven to hurt the narcissist to put him in his rightful place to mock him but on the other hand they pity the narcissist and so finally they shun the narcissist because he provokes in them many negative emotions and the narcissist is disrespected because he thoroughly disrespects himself the narcissist rejects his life he rejects everyone and everything in his life is meaningless he engages in self-defeating an irrational misconduct he does as he pleases my way of the highway he pays no heed to consequences he lacks any ambition or motivation he just drifts along randomly giving up on assets on accomplishments, on communities, on places on language itself on people everyone without regret second thought sometimes you look at the career of a narcissist and you say wow from zero to hero he made it, he succeeded wrong give it time he will self-destruct he will self-defeat he will ruin and hurt everyone and everything around him narcissists build construct and deconstruct build and ruin invest and disinvest merge and divest they make friends and then convert them into enemies they choose an intimate partner and then take away the intimacy and convert the partner into a parental figure they don't live a stone unturned but not in the good sense they are they are a malevolent spirit a malevolent wind they are sumum like the dust the dust storms in the desert there is structure there if you look at it you may mistake the narcissist actions and think that they are some kind of master plan or some kind of imposition of a set of rules or a structure but they are not, they are all random it is totally random even randomness can produce structure and order we know this in physics the narcissist is ephemeral he never attaches or bonds to anyone anything, any place, any vocation, any pursuit today he is a reality TV star tomorrow he is a president the next day he is in jail because he had committed a crime and he gets married for the sixth time you know there is no rhyme or reason to any of this he he invests in nothing the narcissist he plans nothing he commits to nothing and to no one he drifts, he is a slacker in effect, he is indolent the minimal work that the narcissist does even his hobbies everything is shoddy shoddy, cluttered apposite, ramshackle improvised, fake potemkin village it is all of a sudden there is no depth no third dimension anyone who co-invested in a company run by a narcissist lost his money narcissist goes bankrupt 50 times in his life and gets married another six it is nothing there is nothing there there is no sense it is true that some narcissists have a stable core so they will maintain a family in the long term but then the instability the crazy making will manifest in all other fields generally speaking even if the narcissist has an island of stability in his life his wife, his family, his job an island of stability it is an island of stability an Atlantic ocean of trouble crazy making, insanity the narcissist is absent he is an absence not a presence and he is abusive in all his relationships mostly fending off encroaching intimacy and commitment and success it is nothing the narcissist hates more than success he will undermine and sabotage his own success because what is success? it is commitment it is responsibility it is having to get up in the morning and do something even if you don't want to do it and the narcissist freedom of action is his most cherished asset his basic tenant the eleventh commandment thou shalt be free to do anything you please whenever you please and no one will tell you otherwise it is like cleckless patience he is a mask of sanity and like his patience the narcissist doesn't even bother to keep it on so naturally no one respects the narcissist he is self destructive and he often implores people to humiliate him and to hate him and to reject him as part of the testing of the parental figure the narcissist never protects never values what is his so others openly take everything and everyone away from him and he regards everything as meaningless he doesn't he is not really in his life he is more like a spectator more like an observer he is also engenders disrespect he is a nasty spineless people ask themselves is he coward is he defeated is he a flake and all he gets all he reaps finally is derision revulsion, contempt, mockery and people are envious of some of his assets some of his skills and talents and they are equally revolted by his obnoxiousness and pompous personality and this leads to virulent displays of public humiliation shaming, passive aggressive, punitive acts such disrespect is communicable and contagious this contagion is exacerbated by the narcissist's own behaviors often the narcissist feigns indifference, reactance, defiance but the narcissist's apathy is not perceived as a sign of strength but on the contrary as cowardice, weakness absence of enforceable boundaries the narcissist opens himself up to contempt, to abuse, to derision people perceive the narcissist's feigned and ostentatious disinterest as passive aggression the narcissist's disrespect for and ostentatious disinterest in his own life in his intimate partner, in his job in his hobbies, in his property in his children this overt conspicuous pride in his apathy a cool-headedness a sang-froid is interpreted by people as lack of dignity lack of strength lack of self-respect advocating not caring for and protecting what's his the narcissist's reactance is not perceived as credible he's about as intimidating and tearing as a weakling spoiled brat and far more repulsive and antagonizing than any child this attempts to men up to deter, to intimidate they provoke the offending party to escalate into egregious territory you see narcissistic abuse is a posture it's in the bargaining stage it's a choice it's a method of operation it's a set of manipulative tools in a toolbox and it's here's the thing it's really, really stupid to make this choice to use these tools narcissists appear to be bumbling fools, no matter how intelligent they actually are they have no impulse control no forethought, no foresight they're counterproductive self-defeating, self-destructive their decisions and actions are self-sabotaging they're totally dumb they act out when narcissistic supply is deficient, narcissists compensate they go haywire and they're pseudo-stupid they avoid the consequences of their misdeeds they pretend that they have misunderstood something you've said or done or that you took advantage of their good nature they're gullible narcissists are grandiose and phantas so they misjudge reality they have an impaired reality testing their skills and limitations are also misjudged and they completely misunderstand other people because they have no empathy they don't read people properly they can't fathom the intentions of others even when these intentions are potentially risky and dangerous and malevolent and malicious no empathy means that the narcissist disastrously misreads others and behaves in socially unacceptable and clownish ways the narcissist's sense of entitlement renders the narcissist a fool in the butt of mockery in the region rather than the old that he believes that he inspires and the respect that he fully trusts that he deserves and hyper-vigilance it leads to disproportionate aggression directed at imaginary insults and slimes it also leads to persecutory delusions and conspiracies paranoid ideation persecutory ideation often directed at totally innocuous innocent targets the narcissist erupts and people say what's wrong with this guy you know and finally the narcissist uses false modesty pseudo-humility to fish for compliments but his attempts are so transparent and so inarticulate so fake, so manipulative that people react with repulsion and they seek on the contrary to the narcissist regards learning something new, getting advice as narcissistic injuries because both learning and advice imply that he's not perfect and not omniscient, not all-knowing you see there are so many roots to narcissistic abuse it's a defensive posture it's an offensive posture it's a method of operation intended to get rid of people it's an unconscious compulsive choice intended to parentify other people and then make sure that they are safe base and good enough parents there are numerous etiologies to the same set of behaviors lumping all of them together is counterproductive and exceedingly misleading and I'm afraid most authorities in quotation marks online do exactly this