 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley at JonathanAsley.com. I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic, you must do this, this, to understand men. You must do this to understand men. Really quickly before we get started, if you're new to my YouTube channel, hit the subscribe button and hit the bell to get notified of new content. I shoot about three or four videos a week and I always change my shirts and I always change the pictures that go here as well. But mom and dad stay the same for those that have inquired about that. So our topic, you must do this, this, this, this, this, to understand men. I think what's critically important, okay, so for those who are seeking dating or relationship-wise and you've come to my YouTube channel, chances are you've been attracted to the concept of understanding men and especially midlife men because my specialty is midlife dating and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So if you're 42 to 69, that's the demographics I speak to. Although, interesting enough, I'm getting a lot of 20 and 30 year olds reaching out for my advice, which I'm very grateful for, but what's unique about men and women in midlife is that we come to the table with a bit of a backstory. We come to a table with a bit of a backstory and what I mean is we have life experiences. See, for those of us that watch movies of Cinderella and all those movies like The Notebook or whatnot where people met when they were youngsters, when they were practically babies and they formed a relationship together, they had no life experience to affect how they operate as an adult. They had no life experience. And so it's rather easy to look at the traditional way of dating, mating, or relating because most people got pregnant at age 16 and got married thereafter or 16, 17, or 18 and I know I'm generalizing here but you know what I'm talking about from a generalization perspective but we're in a whole different category right now and frankly, there is no commitment like it used to be because of the advent of birth control and the fact that women don't need men to support them. We now are dating, mating, and relating with a lot more choices and a lot more availability and yet a lot more choices and availability has created a lot of havoc in the dating, mating, or relating process because we have all this life experience. And so what you need to know about men to understand them as you need, this is my invitation, when I say the word need, I'm saying an invitation to learn his backstory, to learn his backstory. And by the way, he's got to learn your backstory too but the backstory isn't just about his past relationship whether he was married and finding out the reason why that relationship ended. I'm here to say you have to go all the way back in time to understand his childhood and his relationship with his parents to get a better understanding if he's going to be a good partner for you. And if you're not familiar with the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I don't know why I don't memorize Helen Hunt's name, it's just, it sometimes escapes me, I've got Harvelle down but Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks, this is all about learning how we tend to repeat patterns based on our childhood upbringing and we tend to pick partners that are very similar to the experience that our parents had and what we observed as children witnessing our parents and so we oftentimes repeat patterns. So a man's choices in life might be directly affected because of his childhood upbringing. Just like your choices, if you seem to date the same man over and over and over again, chances are there's something very similar to either your father or mother it's similar to your father or mother and that's why you're repeating the pattern because you're being called to heal, you're being called to step into your healing, you're being called to love on yourself. And if you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self, here we go, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? The link is in the description below when we understand our own experience, when we understand our own backstory, we can actually lean into a more compassionate way to understand someone else's backstory because when we understand it from a place of compassion, from a place of care, from a place of love, now that's not to say you should pick someone who's had a horrific childhood and who's had problematic relationships because you might just be in the path of their destructive force if they haven't done any healing. I'm not suggesting that but having compassion and understanding allows you to make better choices because really, isn't this what this is all about? You want to understand men so you can make better choices so you don't choose your pattern of the same thing over and over again. So when I'm suggesting understand a man's backstory, I'm inviting you to understand your own backstory. If you've been following my work, I talk about the Hoffman process repeatedly, the Hoffman process, many of you have bought the book. In fact, if you bought my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, do me a favor, please post a comment below that you've ordered my book and anyone who's listed that, I've got a little free gift for you and if you've purchased any of the books I've recommended, the Hoffman process, Getting the Love You Want, Nonviolent Communication, The Untethered Soul, The Five Love Languages, do me a favor, post a comment below and let me know you purchased a book based on my recommendation but if you've purchased my book, post a comment because I'd like to give you a free gift. Now, why am I encouraging this? Because understanding your own backstory is really the more important aspect of this conversation. Yes, it's important to understand a man's backstory but I want you to lean into your own backstory. Get a sense of your, and by the way, many of you've done this and bravo to you, bravo to you for leaning in, you lean into your own past, you don't lean back. You know how I feel about leaning back and anyone who watches my work knows, I go, ah, when it comes to leaning back. Except the only time you will want to lean back is if you've leaned too far forward in relationship because everyone who follows my work knows, I think relationships start at the 50 yard line and you guys work at the 50 yard line. Although in my book, Understand Men Now, I do actually kind of say, let the man just do a little bit more, don't ever do this in front of a guy by the way but let the man just do a tiny little bit more work than you on the 50 yard line. Let him be at like 50 yard line and a little bit more. Just because you're gonna feel better if it's done that way but you get the gist of where I'm going. In other words, the effort of giving and receiving should be mutual, it should be effusive, it should be consistent, it's a give and receive combination, it's not a one-sided event. And if it's too much giving by one person then yes, lean back and if there's not enough giving then lean in more to the 50 yard line. But if you want to understand men, then my invitation is understand your own backstory and then lean in and understand his backstory because when you understand his backstory, you can be better prepared to say, is this the right guy for me? Maybe not or maybe it's worth giving a shot. All right, that's my content for today. Really quickly, you might notice I'm wearing a white shirt. There's kind of something interesting here. Someone's mentioned to me on one of the videos that goes, Jonathan, you have the darkest hair and I just noticed now I'm starting to get gray here and I feel like it's highlighted by the white shirt. I'm in my fifties, I know I'm blessed. Thank you mom and dad for giving me the height of six foot two, I'm in relatively good shape and I still have a full head of hair. Thank you, thank you, thank you. But it's just starting to turn a little gray here which is picked up by the white shirt. So I just wanted to share that. Maybe my white teeth as well. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, I'm gonna give myself a big gigantic shot then bear a hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a big hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to somebody and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and we can all use more love in our lives. Thanks so much and wishing you a fabulous day. Bye bye now.