 Hello, my beautiful internet friends and welcome back to a brand new set. Can we call it a set today? I want to share with you guys a little bit of my experience of going to the APT coalition conference where essentially I walked into a Giant room filled with 1,000 amputees and I learned a lot of things about myself some of which really really aren't that pretty Some of which are really uncomfortable and I'm glad to know but are definitely things I need to work on I flew down to San Antonio for this event two weeks ago big shout out to my mom She bought me tickets and came with me so I could actually go I would not have been able to otherwise So thank you mom so much and I had I'll be honest with you guys I had so much hesitation going to this event the only other amputee specific event I went to I lasted half the day for and then I ran away from like panicking I couldn't even fully put into words why I was like I just nope. This is not for me. I'm done I'm I'm out. This is overwhelming and no just no so going to a three-day event That was full of amputees and had over a thousand of us going. I honestly consider flaking out I honestly considered being like, you know what I have surgery coming up. I have a lot going on with work You know, I should be saving time and money and like blah blah blah and just it's really just fear talking So eventually I talked my fear into a corner got on the plane and actually went We got there the day before the conference began and I wanted to check in as soon as I could that way I could like beat all the lines and then just head back to my hotel room and hide out and sort of relax before the big day and Checking in that first day went just fine. I walked into like the big conference area and there were a couple amputees I was like, okay, this is this is all right. This is uncomfortable But whatever checked in met my friend Chris Oliver from the Amplife another YouTube channel I'll link it down below that you should check out which was absolutely fantastic We got to chat a little bit grabbed coffee that first day was great Jessica done registering for the amputee conference and we're walking back to our Hotel don't get hit by a don't get hit by the trees, you know, I realized this is gonna be a very challenging Weekend for me and then I got ready for day two It's today So today is the first day of the conference and the first event is like eating yoga I feel way weirder about doing yoga in a room full of other amputees Then I would about doing it in a room full of able-bodied people but hey what is life but expanding boundaries So let's give this a shot. Oh, I did not know what I was in for I'll tell you that much the first day I went to the very first event which was yoga for amputees I've always loved yoga and I haven't really done it that much as an amputee So it's like this will be a great opportunity to like learn some modifications So I walked into a room with about 20 amputees of every variety you can imagine. We did an hour-long yoga session I didn't talk to anyone I did smile a few people, but I tried to like be a loner I was like, I'm just gonna do my own thing here and it was really cool to learn specific modifications Missing a leg. I felt okay. It's a good start to the day. Oh, but here's the thing to get to the yoga room I did not have to walk through the main conference area and so post yoga I walked into the main area filled with actually a thousand amputees from every walk of life Every age group every kind of amputee you could possibly imagine and I really tried to hold myself together and like Put on a good face I made a beeline for the coffee cart because holding warm liquid is like a courage to me And it's also sort of like a you're holding a cup. It's kind of like a a wall between you and the world So I just feel a little safer that way. I got some coffee and I was like, I can do this. I can do this I can't do this. I cannot do this and I panicked and I left So I just got to the actual like conference conference main lobby and like everybody's here I'm like legitimately like panicked and rushed out of there I just grabbed some coffee and didn't make eye contact with anybody and just like left because that is Uh, too much to handle presently. I like made my way down the darkest hallway I could find that had no one around collected myself took a few minutes and headed into the opening ceremonies This is when some really tough realizations began to appear for me And I want to start this off by saying that I I hope with everything in me that this does not offend or hurt anyone Who is an amputee watching or who deals with disability or any kind of physical difference or limb difference I'm just going to preface it with that. I went into the opening ceremonies, which was about two hours and My mom was there. My friend was there I was able to distract myself enough to like sit down and pretend like I was okay Like calm enough, right the keynote speaker john register who by the way is a speaking hero of mine I absolutely love him I waited around at the end to get this picture with him because he's fantastic is a paralympic athlete and well before I was an amputee I followed him in his speaking career because he's a fantastic public speaker and I love public speaking I'm a nerd like that But in his speech he talked about how he was previously a fantastic athlete headed for the olympics When he shattered his leg and became an above knee amputee many years later in life He qualified for the paralympics and he told us the story of when he got on a plane to go to those games This hit way too close to home The flight attendant was like anyone who needs special assistance getting on the plane and everyone stands up because it's like 60 people getting on the plane who all have physical limitations, which is kind of funny Then he gets seated and I see seated and looking around and seeing all the teammates who he cares about He talked about getting really angry and really emotional because he didn't want to be going to the paralympics He wanted to be going to the olympic games and I realized in that moment But that's a huge part of what I was feeling. That's a huge part of why I Panic when I'm around other amputees who like I don't know personally like just groups of amputees or amputee Only events or anything like that. I think that there's a big part of me I'm not entirely sure how to say this but as much as I have Made this journey really public as much as I talk about amputation specific stuff And my journey of being an amputee and all of that saying the words I am an amputee still feel really foreign and internally like I reject them. I'm like nope. That's not me That's not true. Uh, I I'm so very uncomfortable with them If I'm honest with you it's like a club. I don't want to be a part of and when john told us the story of Feeling that moment sitting that plane being like this is not the team. I want to be traveling with you know I felt so much connection to that story and also kind of shame and guilt because The people sitting in that room around me are freaking incredible and as the weekend went on I got to meet more of them and hear their stories and just figure out who they were as people And it was a really really cool But my initial feeling sitting there was I don't have anything in common the people sitting here Like I don't want to have anything in common with this group of people I don't know how else to say that because it's not like I see another amputee and I judge them It's not like I see them and I think anything negative. I really mean that I don't I just don't want to be a part of that club I just don't want to be a part of that group don't really want that to be a part of my identity and it is now I get to decide what percentage of my identity it's going to be but going to an amputee Conference it's kind of impossible to deny to myself that I am an amputee and going through normal life I think I can kind of skirt around the issue sometimes. This may sound really silly Considering I literally have a channel that is mostly dedicated to my life as an amputee, but like in normal life I'm not like faced with seeing it and going to that conference I was surrounded by it and it was so much to take in and I realized What I felt was the same thing that John was talking about like I don't I don't want to have to go to the Paralympics I want to go to the Olympics not literally but figuratively I'm really struggling to accept the limitations that I have Some of which I will shatter some of which I will figure my way around Some of which especially when I have a working prosthetic leg will no longer be the limitations on my life that they are now But there are some things that are unavoidable. There are some things in my life that are different forever And I feel like I'm still in the grieving process where half of me is like wants to deny that But going to that conference I couldn't deny that and it was really painful It was really painful to know that that part of my life of having two legs Was gone and as grateful as I am for what I have It's just bizarre and it's hard and it's weird to try to take this in and realize that I Actually do have something in common with every single person in that room Not our whole life stories just a tiny little piece of them, but that's still significant I see it often in in different groups and people talk about it in psychology that So often we like lash out or show disgust or anger or hatred towards the things that we fear in ourselves And I feel like that's true in me I wasn't like lashing out that people around me, but I just felt like I don't I don't want to be seen as part of this Group god I really hate that I just said that sentence because the people that I met were freaking awesome But I think when I look at myself I see a lot of limitations, but I'm still trying to figure out where this fits in my life I'm still trying to figure out how much of my life I want This to be and how much of my life it has to be Maybe I'll never go to another amputee specific event ever again And maybe in the future I'll decide that they're the best thing ever and I'll be at every one I have no idea But I can tell you that it's taken me weeks and I think it'll take me weeks longer to sort of Decompress because it was so emotional and so overwhelming to be there and to be faced with this like Upset that any of this has happened and part of me struggles with feeling like lesser Because so many people talk about how being an amputee is the best thing that ever happened to them And how it's opened up so many doors for them and so on and so forth And I think that's okay because I'm facing having my leg cut off again And there's a lot going on and there's a lot of adjustment left and it's only been 10 months But I really want to get to the place where I can honestly say statements like that Where I can say that this was a good thing in my life falling off that horse and everything that's come because of that I've never really taken time to grieve all of that and it's heavy I went to like all the workshops and Going to all the workshops and stuff like that people kept on Saying things like oh, you know amputees will often fill in the blank or as an amputee You might struggle with filling the blank and I kept on being like that's not that's not me Like I'm not I'm not part of the amputee club. I'm not really that's not really my life But it really is and that's a hard pill to swallow sometimes And I feel like that is a very ugly thing inside of me That's like internally trying to remove myself from a group of incredible people because I don't have a single thing A single thing against them individual people. I have nothing but admiration and Friendship and joy for and like wanting to know them as whole people and Absolutely nothing weird about them being an amputee But when I'm thrown into an amputee specific event I just want nothing to do with it because I think I'm so I'm still so uncomfortable with the reality of the fact that I am an amputee that those workshops apply to me That that's like tailored for me and there's no way around that and it was an incredible experience to go to And I'm so glad that I went but it was also really hard being confronted with that reality And not really having a way to deny it and being aware of some of the things that will be life long Challenges, I think there's a lot left to digest but walking into a room with over a thousand people with limb difference People who are amputees was at first completely overwhelming almost devastating But as the weekend went on it started to feel a lot more normal I think being there broke down bit by tiny little bit Some of the walls that I had some of the fears that I had some of the discomfort and weirdness And I think that's the first step in about halfway through day two of the conference and this one's definitely got a little bit better I've tried to take things slower pace myself Not go to everything and realize that you know not everything is is is super serious So I made some cool connections talk to people actually got some phone numbers and uh, you know, just tried to relax Um, it's been a lot better bringing it back to the story that john register told I want to want to be a part of the para olympic team. I want to want to be here I'm just not there yet and I'll work to get there. I'll work to make peace with it But man, it's a challenge and an adventure and I'm up for it. Thank you for listening guys I sincerely hope that I did not offend anybody by anything that I said Thank you to all my patrons who make all of this possible Who sponsor my videos and sponsor what I do and believe in it. Thank you And thank you watching this video right now for taking a few minutes out of your busy day to spend some time with me That's an honor. It means a lot to me. I love you guys. I'm thinking of you and I will see you in the next video Bye guys