 For your entertainment and pleasure, here is our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden It's time once again for another comedy episode of our Miss Brooks under the direction of Al Lewis But first a recent news announcement gave added proof to the old saying. It's a small world In fact, it's even smaller than we thought The army map service using an improved way of measuring the equatorial radius of the earth found that it's exactly 420 feet shorter than previously figured But the earth is shrinking in another sense, too The telegraph, radio, telephone, all the improved methods of communication have made it pretty small We get all the news from around the world almost as it happens And there's more understanding in a world where nations and people can compare notes, ask questions, exchange information Our servicemen are an important part of this international gab fest They're right on the spot in a lot of different countries where they have a chance to talk to the people Get their viewpoints and give them ours One of the most effective weapons they carry is truth Before we can have agreement between nations, we have to have understanding between people That's part of the assignment we give to our ambassadors in uniform. Remember a country is known By its people. What people think of your country depends on you Well, for many of us the early morning hours aren't the most cheerful time of the day So it is with our miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School Fortunately, however, by the time we've had our second cup of coffee Most of us feel a good deal better. How true that is I always feel quite a bit better after my second cup of coffee, which I have at 7 30 in the evening But when some extremely fortunate occurrence is impending I can even be cheerful at breakfast That was the case last Friday when I joined my landlady in the dinette. Oh, what a beautiful morning Oh, what a beautiful day My you're in a good humor this morning, Tommy. It's brandy here. You're singing like this. Thanks, Mrs. Davis I've got a wonderful feeling everything's going my way And it's such a nice song too the beautiful blue Danube Rouses have always been my favorite the trousers mine, too. I wouldn't get my meat any place else This reminds me of the last time you were in such high spirits, I'll never forget that morning You flitted around like a gay little bird. When was that, Mrs. Davis? The day you found out that Mr. Conklin had to stay in bed with the flu I've got even better news than that today. You mean Mr. Conklin's resigned? Please, Mrs. Davis. Let's not wish for the moon But I did hear that Ms. Enright is leaving school for the rest of the semester She is? Yes, it seems her spinster sister is ill-upstate So Ms. Enright's gotten the leave of absence and she's going up to nurse her You mean Ms. Enright's going to nurse her spinster sister for the rest of the semester? Yes Oh, she'll nurse to spinster sister for the rest of the semester and the way it will go Oh, forgive me, Mrs. Davis. I can't get that blue danube out of my head Well, I know Daisy Enright's always been a rival of yours, Connie So I can't blame you for being happy about her going This leaves you a clear field with Mr. Boynton, doesn't it? Exactly Now there's nothing between Mr. Boynton and me except Mr. Boynton But Mrs. Davis, you don't seem so enthusiastic about the news Frankly, I'm not Ms. Enright's been conducting the course in Red Cross First Aid I've been taking three nights a week Well, cheer up, Mrs. Davis Even if the course has discontinued, you can take it again next season But I was hoping to get some practical experience, Connie Oh, that's Walter Denton to drive me to school Be right with you, Walter If you want first aid, you can help me If you want first aid experience, Mrs. Davis, why don't you come out to the car and watch us take off Take off? Yes, the way Walter starts that jalopy, it's ten to one I'll bang my head on the windshield On our way, let's have a nice smooth ride to school, Walter How came, Ms. Frux? Say, I'm sorry you banged your head on the windshield when we started Oh, forget it It's only a flesh wound Just try to control your tendency to speed, won't you? Yeah, I'll try, but it's awfully difficult on a beautiful day like today I think I know how you feel, Walter I'm rather related, too And I'll bet our joy stems from the same source The imminent departure of one Daisy Enright I couldn't be any happier if two Daisy Enrights were leaving I mean, Ms. Enright's a very good teacher, Walter Why should you be happy to see her go? Well, because my mother's been taking her first aid course And everything she studies, she tries out of my father and me Well, you shouldn't complain about that, Walter Your mother's just trying to learn how to take better care of her family Yeah, she sure took care of me last Monday Seems she had to do some splint practice, so naturally she used me You seem a little flexible for a splint, Walter No, she put the splint on my leg, Ms. Brooks And then she told me to walk across the room And did you? I took one step and fell on my face What did your mother do then? She bandaged my face But with six yards of sterile gauze She could have used more, but my dad had nine yards wrapped around him Your house must have looked like an Arab settlement Well, with Ms. Enright leaving, they'll probably discontinue the class until next year anyhow But surely you've had similar experiences to mine Mrs. Davis takes the same course, doesn't she practice on you? No, Walter, luckily I've been out a good deal of the time Mrs. Davis does all her first aid practicing on our next door neighbor Oh, Mrs. Landfield? That's right, Limpie Landfield, we call her Walter drove you to school today? Yes, Harriet, he'll be along in a minute Oh, you certainly look radiant this morning, Ms. Brooks What's the reason for the big smile? I just told you Walter drove me to school, Harriet I always smile when I get out of his car alive Whatever the reason, I'm glad you're so cheerful, Ms. Brooks Thank you, Harriet Oh, before I forget, Daddy wants to see you in his office immediately Have you any idea what he wants to see me about? No, but he sounded even more urgent than usual You better get right on in, Ms. Brooks Very well, Harriet, I'll see you in class Good luck, Ms. Brooks Enzo Uh, you wanted to see me, Mr. Counseling I could answer more truthfully if you rephrased the question There's something about which you must see me That's better Sit down, please Now, I don't know whether or not you're aware of it But our school is about to suffer a grievous loss Ms. Enright is leaving I know, it's terrible Please try to control your sobs Since her sister is ailing, I've granted Ms. Enright a leave of absence effective at once You see, there's no one else to take care of the poor creature So Ms. Enright will have to nurse her spince to sister for the rest of the semester Exactly, Ms. Brooks Believe me, it is with deep regret that I'll bid farewell to Ms. Enright She embodies all those qualities I most esteem in a teacher She's very capable, Mr. Counseling, and I'm sure that she... She's more than capable, Ms. Brooks When Ms. Enright goes, I can't help feeling that some part of our school is going with her Well, we shouldn't begrudge her a few pencils and erases I mean, she'll be back in the fall, Mr. Conklin I sincerely hope so Now then, since it is too late in the season to hire outside help This vacancy must be filled by other members of our faculty assuming additional duties I think I just heard the school bell, Mr. Conklin, so if you'll excuse me There was no bell, Ms. Brooks But although her classes will be taken over by Mr. Chalmers Ms. Enright leaves another most important post to be filled Namely, the Red Cross first aid course she conducted three nights a week There goes that bell again Be seated, Ms. Brooks In mentioning this post to you, I must remind you that in spite of the high honor that goes with the office There is absolutely no financial recompense whatsoever That bell is getting louder every minute Look, Mr. Conklin, it's been years since I got my certificate in first aid Since the Red Cross, like Madison High itself, is run on a purely democratic basis One may only serve it by exercising one's own free choice to serve It's purely voluntary But how do you know I'll volunteer, Mr. Conklin? Ms. Brooks Do you have a large bank account? I know, sir And is teaching the only profession with which you're familiar? That's right, sir And would you like to continue to make a living in this profession, Ms. Brooks? Certainly, sir Well then I hereby exercise my own free democratic voluntary choice of saying yes Martin will continue in just a moment But first, if you were a millionaire and changed all the money you owned into single-dollar bills And pressed those bills together as tightly as you could You couldn't compress them into a single solitary tree A tree takes years to grow and mature And no amount of money can buy that That's why even if you're a millionaire, you can't afford a forest fire On the other hand, even if you don't have a million in the bank You can still afford the moment or two it takes to make sure a cigarette or matchstick is fully extinguished Before you toss it away And no one is so poor he can't afford that little bit of effort that dousing a campfire requires Be careful whenever you're in or around a forest area Help prevent forest fires I had to take over Daisy Enright's first aid course Didn't help my appetite any Nevertheless, when lunchtime came I went to the school cafeteria Baited a table with meatloaf And sat down to wait for Mr. Boynton But as I toyed with my salad It was Ms. Enright's voice that broke in on my reverie Well, Ms. Brooks, as I live and breathe Two faults that are easily remedied You doing, darling? Feeding your full little face again? What do you mean again? I haven't had anything to eat What do you mean full little face? Just take it easy, darling We've all got our troubles Look! Look at what's happening with my poor sister, for instance It's such a pathetic case Picture, if you can, a poor, lonely spinster With hardly a friend in the world Practically no one to turn to I sympathize with you, Ms. Enright Now tell me about your sister What a quaint sense of humor Now, but there's something I want to discuss with you Do you mind if I sit down here for a moment? Not at all I can't digest this food anyway Ms. Brooks, I understand that you've been requested to complete my first aid cause Or is the word volunteered? The word is railroaded What I can't figure out is why Mr. Conklin picked on me Oh, you were a natural for the job, my dear Otherwise I would never have recommended you You recommended me Oh, dear, now the cat is out of the bag, isn't it? I don't blame you for being self-conscious Ms. Brooks Are you inferring? If the bag fits, get back in it You're really going out in the blaze of infamy, aren't you? Going out? Oh, but that's what I sat down to tell you, darling I'm not going anyplace My sister has decided to come down here and live with me Isn't that a relief? With such a relief, I may kill myself Well, at least I won't have to conduct those classes of yours But you will, darling That's one of the provisions I made when I agreed to stay I told Mr. Conklin that I'd have to spend all my free time with my sister And he said that he didn't mind a bit As long as you took over for me As one English teacher to another, Ms. Henright I'd just like to say that I am the one who has been took over I just don't think it's fair for you to- Good afternoon, ladies I hope I'm not interrupting anything Oh, no, not a thing, Mr. Boyden The books were speaking Why don't you sit down? Thanks, Ms. Henright Oh, that food you've got looks very appetizing, Mr. Boyden Oh, yes, I thought I'd take a whirl at the pot roast today But I kept this plate of meatloaf covered for you, Mr. Boyden Oh, I can probably handle them both and start Oh, my, that roast looks yummy And so does the meatloaf Would you care to try one of the other, Ms. Henright? Why don't you try both, Ms. Henright? You can feed one of your faces and I'll feed the other I, uh, I think Ms. Brooks is a trifle miffed Because she's going to have to take over some of my duties Oh, yes, I heard you were leaving, Ms. Henright When are you going? Surprise, surprise! I'm not going at all, Mr. Boyden You're not? Well, that is a pleasant bit of news Did you hear that, Ms. Brooks, Ms. Henright staying on? She's not leaving at all, isn't that just splendid? Oh, eat your pot roast My dear sister is coming to live with me, Mr. Boyden I'm going to take care of her Oh, I see, well, that'll keep you pretty close to home most evenings, won't it? Oh, oh, I don't know One can't look after one's sister every night Now can one If one doesn't go out until one's asked, one can I really must excuse me, I've got several things to do Oh, do you have to go so soon, Ms. Brooks? I'm afraid I do, Mr. Boyden, here's your check for the meatloaf Oh, thank you, Ms. Brooks, but where, well, where is your, uh... I've paid my check, Mr. Boyden Oh, well, so long Oh, darling, I'd like to remind you that I'm coming over to your house tonight to brush you up on the first aid course It was Mr. Conklin's idea What? As a matter of fact, he's coming along with me But I didn't plan on... He said we'd be there at eight sharp, Ms. Brooks, so you'd better be ready at that time You know, this first aid course is Mr. Conklin's pet project Sort of like Mr. Boyden is to certain other members of the faculty If you know what I mean, dear Mr. Boyden Huh? I guess it's safe to leave him here for a few minutes Well, if the emperor has spoken, I guess I'll see you tonight, Ms. Enry Goodbye, Mr. Boyden Goodbye, Ms. Brooks Oh, uh, dear, from the back, those calories show like mad If I could plead manslaughter, I'd kill her From all the unjust tyrannical... I'll take it easy, Ms. Brooks You know what, talking to yourself is the first sign of, don't you? Yes, Walter, but I don't care Oh, things can't be that terrible Tell Uncle Walt what's the matter It's pretty bad, Uncle Ms. Enry just told me that she and Mr. Conklin are coming over to my place tonight To brush me up on her first aid course What's so bad about that? This is a chance to kill two of your favorite birds with one stone If you're gonna show them what you remember from your first aid experience You'll get a chance to not only clobber, Ms. Enry But to show Mr. Conklin that you're totally unfit to take over the job Well, Ms. Brooks, what do you think of the scheme? Walter, if we were in France, I'd kiss you on both cheeks and give you the legion of honor Hello, Mr. Conklin, Ms. Enry Come in, won't you? Thank you Just leave your coats and heads out here A hat out here Thank you, darling Well, are you all prepared for your refresher course? I really don't think it'll be necessary, Ms. Enry You see, I've been rereading my manual And you'd be surprised how quickly the things I'd learned came back to me Well, I'm delighted to hear that, Ms. Brooks But if you're going to instruct others, I'd like to see some practical demonstration of this knowledge Of course, sir. Just follow me into the living room, please As you can see, I've moved most of the furniture into one corner of the room And I've got the splints, bandages, and adhesive already Excellent Now then, let's get right to business We will suppose that our subject has sustained a fractured elbow and a broken ankle Let's make it two broken ankles Very well, two broken ankles Now then, lie down, Ms. Brooks Yes, sir. Then we can... Wait a minute. Why should I lie down? If someone had sustained two broken ankles and a fractured elbow Is it too unreasonable to assume she'd be lying down? No, sir, but the wrong bones are being broken That is, I want to show you what I know about first aid Ms. Enright's the one who must lie down Oh, you want me to pretend I've been through an accident? Believe me, it's typecasting Just crumple, dear. The rug is spotless so far Let's get on with it. Do as she says, Ms. Enright Oh, very well Now, we'll assume that Ms. Enright has been in an automobile accident And besides having both arms broken, she's in an acute state of shock Well, how do I react? As if Mr. Boyden finally asked you for a date Your job is to kneel by her side and take care of the arm This silk sleeve seems to be covering up the injury This is a brand new dress Please, what do you want to be? Neat or cured? Now, it's obvious from the looks of this arm that it's badly injured Where my fingers touch, it's all black and blue See, Mr. Conklin? Where? Where is it black and blue? Ouch! Right there Now, hand me that cat's bottle, please, Mr. Conklin Well, here you are, but what's it for? Realism This was a pretty bad accident, remember? It's broke, you're ruining my dress Quiet, you're in a state of shock Now we'll start bandaging the arm First, I put the splint gently against the skin Ouch! Then I start the roller bandage here Now I wrap the gauze with one arm this way Go on Then I put the other arm through and tie the bandage this way Now I reverse the process, again bringing the other arm through the bandage And wrapping it securely Now what? Now if someone will untie my arms, I'll continue Miss Brooks, can you or can you not tie a firm bandage? This splint was a bit too rough, Mr. Conklin But if Miss Enright will let me use one of her legs Now see here, Miss Brooks Now please, please cooperate, Miss Enright Stand up and let's see if Miss Brooks can tie a firm bandage on your leg Well, if you insist, Mr. Conklin, there Now then, Mr. Conklin, if you'll just stand nearby and hand me a few things Very well, very well First, please pass me the adhesive Here you are Now we'll take down your stocking, Miss Enright There, and wrap this adhesive nice and tight There But you don't put adhesive next to the skin First, the bandage must come You're so right, darling Off you come, adhesive Oh, hand me a splint, please, Mr. Conklin Here The idea is to get a good steady support for the leg Around we go with the bandage, all around the splint Another bandage, please, Mr. Conklin Here's one Now we wrap this around the other one Now the adhesive, round and round and round There, how does that feel? Solid? Very solid Very solid Good grief, you've tied Miss Enright's leg to mine Heaven's sake I thought one of those legs had more wool on it than the other Bandage untied I'll have to tear this splint out first There's a big splinter right in my thumb Good, now for your next test, let's suppose that somebody's got a big splinter right in his thumb Oh, I'll get it Boynton, come on in I just dropped by to return a book I borrowed from Mrs. Davis Oh, you've got company Please join us, Mr. Boynton Good evening, Mr. Conklin, Miss Enright Say, what are you doing, having a three-legged race? Don't be funny, Boynton There has been an accident What's that on Miss Enright's dress? Oh, no It's a theology teacher who faints at the sight of cats I didn't faint, Miss Brooks I just slipped on this scatter rug Well, stop jabbering, everyone I've got to get this splinter removed Would you like me to probe, Mr. Conklin? Keep away from me, you angel of destruction Mr. Conklin, Daisy Enright's on the job I'll get it out for you in just a jiffy Now here's a nice clean pin Now give Daisy your thumb Come on, come to Daisy Down, Daisy, down, girl Here, here, Miss Enright Now please be careful Oh, there's nothing to it, Mr. Conklin There, it's out Say, that didn't hurt a bit It's remarkable, Miss Enright You know everyone should master first aid I've been thinking of taking that course myself You have? Yes, I'd like to sign up right now for the balance of the semester It's a deal Monday night at eight, I throw out the first bandage Over my limp carcass you do Miss Enright, I'll move heaven and earth if you'll take over your old course Oh, well, that won't be necessary, Mr. Conklin Now? She's halfway to heaven already Oh, well, Miss Enright There's just one question I'd like to ask you Yes, Miss Brooks? What sort of splint does one use after one cuts one's throat? Brooks returns in just a moment They say that Michelangelo, the artist was able to draw a perfect circle free hand You think that's easy, just try it sometime Anyhow, whenever he made a call on a friend and the friend was out, he used to leave a card with a perfect circle on it and everyone knew that Michelangelo had been there It's rather odd how friendship and circles seem to go together We talk about the family circle and the circle of friends That's probably why we think of the whole world as just an overgrown neighborhood In a neighborhood, we sometimes have misunderstandings and disagreements, but we work things out visiting over the back fence exchanging recipes and ideas helping someone with his garden Those all have their counterparts on the international scene Right now, the biggest visitors in the world are the American servicemen They're exchanging ideas with our neighbors in other countries and they're helping a lot of them to improve their own ways of life If our men in uniform can help promote better understanding between ourselves and other people, they can bring us closer to the time when there won't be any disagreements or un-neighborly attitudes Do your part in enlarging the circle of friendship Remember, a country is known by its people What people think of your country depends on you And now once again, here is our Miss Brooks Well, Mr. Conklin was so delighted at Miss Enright's decision to resume her first aid class that he insisted on treating her to an ice cream soda before taking her home So they were out of the house before I could reach her jugular vein That's when I got out my Red Cross manual If you're so interested in first aid, Mr. Boynton maybe we could practice a bit before your first lesson I'd love to, Miss Brooks Here's an interesting problem It deals with a back injury For want of a better subject let's just say I'm the injured party Now, you place your left arm around my shoulders Like this? Yes Then your right arm goes around my waist Like this? What does the book say we should do next? Never mind the book, add lib a little Our Miss Brooks, starring E. Barton is produced by Larry Byrne Written by Al Lewis from Arthur Allsburg with the music of Wilbur Hatch Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna Gloria McMillan and Mary Jane Croft Be with us again next week at this same time Please