 Jane? Jane? What is it, Irma? Oh, Jane, why do people think I ought to be a novelist? A novelist? Well, I don't know, honey. What makes you say that? Well, every time I talk to them, they say, Irma Peterson, you're one for the books. Well, that's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgotten There's will still be hot fire Lever Brothers Company, makers of swan The soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend presents Our friend, Swan, with my friend, Irma Starring Murray Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane The other day I was talking to an eminent psychologist And he was telling me about a thesis he was writing And titled, The Human Mind and Where It's Going Then he met my roommate, Irma Peterson And he changed the title to The Human Mind and Where It Got Lost Well, Irma affects different people strangely But me, Jane Stacey, I love her In fact, I can't wait for the day to be over And the door to open And have Irma Peterson come into the room saying Oh, Jane, Jane, I'm so disgusted with everything I hate my job and the way my boss, Mr. Clyde, treats me Why, honey? What happened today? Oh, it's all his fault he yells and he gets me so confused You? Confused? Yes, he asked me to put some ice water in the pitcher on his desk And then he asked me to fill his fountain pen with ink I think I got mixed up What happened, honey? He was blue all day Don't bring your work and your troubles home with you Just relax Here's part of the paper Here's the comics I don't feel like the comics, Jane Haven't you got something like to read? Irma, you know, really, you have lots to be thankful for No, Jane, the future holds nothing for me I can look in my mind and see there's nothing there Say, Irma, listen to this story in the newspaper What to say, Jane? It says, eccentric farmer leaves $50,000 to unknown niece Henry Peterson, a farmer in Minnesota, was found dead At his bedside was a note leaving his estate Appraised at $50,000 to a niece named Irma Investigators are seeking the whereabouts of the heiress Irma, does that sound like one of your relatives? I don't know, Jane, none of my uncles was eccentric Of course there was my uncle Peter He was kicked in the head by a mule But he wasn't eccentric because he didn't shoot the mule He bought bedroom slippers But Irma, honey, did you ever have an uncle named Henry? Henry, who was a farmer? I think so He raised corn but he got in trouble over distribution Distribution? Yes, he wouldn't sell it by the bushel just by the bottle Well, that sounds like a relative of yours You know, Irma, I've got a funny hunch that you're liable to be the heiress I'll get it, honey Mr. Silk of the law firm of Lerner, Deroff and Matt? Yes You want to talk to Miss Peterson? Oh, you're investigating all Irma Peterson's Yes, yes, she's my roommate You'd like to come out and interview her in regards to the estate of the late Henry Peterson? Yes, I just read about it You come right out Tell him to take a cab, Jane, I'll pay for it Yes, yes, it's 8224 West 73rd Street, Apartment 3B We'll be waiting for you Bye Irma, Irma, I've got a terrible feeling that you're going to get $50,000 I'm so happy for you I'm so happy for you, I can just cry Cry, Jane, because when you cry, I cry Oh, but honey, I'm so happy I have to cry Well, let's both cry, Jane Because now we can afford all the Kleenex in the world It's only me, Professor Kropotkin So, what's the matter? You're crying Oh, Professor My poor Irma, what is it? I just inherited $50,000 Oh, that's, what? Well, Henry died $50,000 Congratulations, Miss Peterson Miss Peterson, you always call me Irma Naturally, yesterday you were a poor working girl, everybody felt sorry for But today you're a millionaire But Professor, money won't change me, I'm what I am and nothing can be done about it I mean... Irma, my darling little pigeon, you mean now that you're rich You'll still talk to a poor man like Kropotkin Why not the rich and poor can live together after all the Rockefellers talk to the Joneses? Irma, that's only because the Rockefellers own the phone company And every time the Joneses talk, the Rockefellers get the nickel Let's face reality, Irma, darling You are lucky and you have our blessings Of course, we're not sure that Irma's getting the money, Professor But she seems to fit the general description of the family Yeah, and a Mr. Silk from the lawyer's office is coming over to check on me My, my, my little Irma rich girl Over the life of luxury, you'll lead With money like that, you'll have a Parisian chateau Oh, no, I look ridiculous in those French hats Hello, girls Hello, Professor Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly Girls, could I trouble you for a little brown shoe polish? I left my eyelashes on the windowsill and the sun bleached one of them Oh, sure, Mrs. O'Reilly Tell me, why is everyone looking so happy? I just inherited $50,000 Irma, you've been in the sun too long too No, it's true, Mrs. O'Reilly, we have an heiress in our midst Glory be Well, Irma, now that you're such a lady I suppose you'll be expecting me to improve your quarters What do you mean improve? Let me tell you, Mrs. O'Reilly, you would have to have this building Painted, plastered and completely renovated before you could get it condemned Push with you, just because your room's a mess Well, maybe if you paid your rent it wouldn't be Don't worry, you'll get your rent, I'm raising the money I'm charging visitors $0.10 to look at my room Now you don't have to go to Europe to see the ruins of Pompeii Push up now, if anybody's room I'll fix its Irma That is if Irma will still prefer our humble company Oh, of course I will, my money isn't going to change me I'm a poor, simple girl $50,000 by her is poor Well, all right, I may not be poor, but I'm as simple as I always was Gosh, I can't mingle with a richie I'm not the kind of a person who likes to ride on foxes and go out with hounds Oh, Irma, I know nothing will ever change, you honey I'll always remember the sweet little girl who put my best evening down in the stove When I asked her to baste the hem Gee, Jane, we've had such wonderful times together Yeah, I remember the time we went to the zoo And you offered to pay for an operation on the camel Because you thought it was a horse with a crooked spine Oh, yes, mine has been a rich full life Well, now that I see the term is still the same sweet charming girl as ever I have news too You're all invited down to my place this evening for a little birthday party Oh, it's my birthday Oh, congratulations, Mrs. O'Reilly, I'd love to come How old are you? About 41 41? That's right, Mrs. O'Reilly is 41 But that's just around one ankle Oh, push with you, Professor Well, I'll be seeing you all later Come along, Professor I'd better go along with her and make sure she doesn't bake a cake Or we'll all be dead by dawn Oh, Jane, isn't this a wonderful day? I can't wait to tell Al about my inheritance How do you think he'll take it, Jane? When Al finds out that you've inherited $50,000 You won't be able to pry him loose with a blowtorch Oh, maybe that's Al now Come in How do you do? My name is William Silk, I'm the investigator Which one of you is Miss Peterson? I am Miss Peterson, did you by any chance have an Uncle Henry? Yes You know, your Uncle Henry, the one we were reading about? Oh, yes, he was married to one of my aunts Have you heard from your Uncle Henry recently? No, but I saw him about eight years ago And we spoke for about an hour, but I couldn't understand him Why not? He'd fallen down the well Well, Miss Peterson, this is a preliminary investigation It's narrowed down to three people You and two other young ladies from Minnesota I must say that since talking to you You sound like the most logical heiress of the deceased Henry Peterson Come in Hi, chicken Hello, Jane Hello, Al Well, Miss Peterson, there's nothing more to be done at this time You'll hear from us Good luck to you I'd like to ask you a few more questions, Mr. Silk I'll see you at the front door What's up, chicken? Al, I've got some wonderful news to tell you Chicken, before you start, I got some wonderful news, too I'm just finishing a great new deal Painting tuxedos on ducks And selling them for penguins You don't have to worry about any more of your deals, Al, honey I... I just inherited $50,000 Chicken, I told you you shouldn't eat before you go to sleep No, Al, my uncle Henry just died That was the lawyer that was just here 50 Gs? What a lump of dough Why, the total rewards out for my friends don't equal that Well, Al, now that I have money, we can get married Can't we? Married? On the contrary, chicken, we're through Through? Certainly, Ms. Peterson Ms. Peterson, I'm not Ms. Peterson I want to be Ms. Al Listen, chicken, what kind of a guy would I be Marrying a dame for our money? I realize that I don't have a job or any money in the bank Or any immediate future But at least I'm a self-made man I still love you Well, I love you, too, chicken But it wouldn't work out Money would change our point of view We'd get married, you'd want to send the kids to Harvard I'd want to send them to Macy's Let them work like the old man did No chicken, it's no use We're on different sides of the track You'll get in with that fast crowd that lives on Roulette And Baccarat And Chocolat Cook whatever you like Please, chicken Let us not hurt each other any longer It's one thing when people say, look at that bum, his wife works But it hurts when they say, look at that bum, his wife supports him So long, chicken No, Al, I don't want anything, I want you I'm satisfied with nothing Sorry, chicken I'm not the gigolo type So I think I'll blow As the French say, Hey, d'arte You know, ladies, you can tell Swan differs from other soaps Just by feeling a cake of swan It feels smoother As Susie Swan says It's a smoothie It's a smoothie It's a cake of swan You can feel the super cream blend You can feel a different finish You can tell it in a minute It's a smoothie That swan Yes, ladies, next time you unwrap a cake of swan Run your fingers over it Feel how it differs from other soaps Feel the extra smoothness of the cake itself Now that's a direct result of swan's Exclusive super cream blend And when you use swan for dishes Feel the creamier suds Swan's mild suds protect your hands After you're through, look at your hands You'll see they're left with a wonderful, smooth, young look Swan's super cream suds are rich, thick suds too The kind of suds that get dishes washed fast That rinse away so completely Your dishes don't need wiping Yes, swan soap means faster dish washing And protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive super cream blend She will never see Al again And she's putting on a scene That would make Napoleon's death seem like a picnic She stretched out on the sofa Just sobbing her poor heart out She has Al's picture in her hand He's in a sailor's suit No, Al was never in the Navy He borrowed the suit because he heard of a dance Where servicemen were admitted free Now she's kissing the picture and crying Drinking water She's been doing this all afternoon Honey, what's the idea of drinking so much water? Well, I expect to cry all night And I don't want to run out of tears Oh, sweetie, this is no time for tears Well, you should rejoice, Irma You're on the verge of inheriting $50,000 You should be happy No, Jane, I'll never be happy without Al Oh, now sweetie, don't be so dramatic For heaven's sakes, with your money you'll meet other men Not like Al, he was so sweet And he taught me so many things Night we'd sit on a park bench And he'd point out all the stars for me The North Star, the Little Diaper The Big Diaper Irma, unless someone hung their wash very high The word is dipper I told you repeatedly, honest Other men will bring you happiness I don't want happiness Poor kid, I don't Hello, Jane Oh, am I early for Mrs. O'Reilly's party? Oh, gee, Richard, I'm so glad to see you Irma's in the bedroom just crying her eyes out I don't know what to do What's happened? Well, it looks like Irma has inherited $50,000 From an uncle Henry And Al has walked out on her He feels that the money will come between them Al walking out on money? Yeah The same Al who stands in front of a vending machine For hours hoping someone's nickel will get stuck? That's the story, Richard She's in the bedroom crying her eyes out There's only one thing we can do Get Al back Exactly And I have an idea what to tell him Well, where can you get in touch with him? Oh, yeah, well, let's see This is the night he usually brings Irma flowers Since he's not dating her tonight There's no sense in trying to reach him At the funeral parlor Now let's see, where else would he... Al, I was just trying to get in touch with you Just dropped by to return chicken's picture Every time I read what she wrote on it It torches me more than I can stand Let me see the picture Dear Al I love you oh so madly With all my soul and flesh I dream of when you'll marry me And carry me across the thresh P.S. Excuse me for not adding hold after thresh But I had no room and didn't want to write on my head Because I just had my hair done Guess who? Dame writes like a sonnet Hate to give her up Oh Al, you don't have to give her up The inheritance doesn't have to come between you She'll need help now And you can help her Me? Sure, she'll need a business manager And you're the man for the job Hey, that sounds good Then no one can say I'm marrying her for the dough Well, certainly Al, sure Now we know that you want to be alone with Irma So Richard and I'll just go on down to Mrs. O'Reilly's party Come on Richard I'm with you Jane Chicken Chicken, it's me Al Come out, I want to talk to you Chicken Al Baby Uh huh, we can get married Gonna be your business manager Gonna invest your money There's only one man who can tell us Who Al? Who else but Hello Joe Al Got a problem Irma's got 50 G's And we want to know what to do with it Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Lay low until everything cools off No, no Joe, this money ain't hard, it's legitimate If it's legitimate, you're not interested Okay Joe, so long Chicken, I got an idea When you get your inheritance We put it in government bonds All but $500 What's that for? I'll show you, take me to Mrs. O'Reilly's party My arm, chicken Hi everybody I'm taking everything Irma And Al together, that's the way it should be Please, please everybody, let me speak Go ahead Irma darling I've decided that money isn't everything What is important is friends You can't take it with you I'd rather take my friends with me when I go Oh no, you know what I mean I really know what you mean Irma And we love you for it I want you to all share my good fortune So after the party I want everybody to buy themselves a gift You know, something you wouldn't spend your own money for Oh honey, here I insist Just to show you what you all mean to me Well Irma, if you insist Mrs. O'Reilly, you're the first It's your birthday, what do you want to buy? Well Frankly I've always wanted to Have me face lifted Oh but I know there isn't enough money And nobody's that strong Push up professor So I think I'll just buy a little makeup kit You have no idea how long it takes me to get me face to look the way it does I just thought you put it in the mix master for five minutes Alright professor, now what do you want to buy? Me? Well Irma darling, you know I'm playing the fiddle at the gypsy tea room And nothing would make me happier than to have a larger case for my violin Oh are you getting a larger violin? No, no, I can't stand the food there and I want to smuggle in my lunch Alright and Al, how about you? Well chicken, since you insist I'd like to buy one of them big canes with a folding seat on top You know that gadget sportsmen sit on when they watch the races? But Al, you don't go to the races I know but my feet kill me when I'm waiting for that unemployment check Say, that gives me an idea See you later, goodbye Alright Jane, it's your turn Oh honey, I don't want anything Oh I insist Jane Well alright sweetie, I'll pick out something for the apartment, huh? Good, and all charge it to my accountant Gimbalz Irma, on behalf of all of us, we want to thank you But most of all, you're Uncle Henry who made this possible Oh you're all welcome And I'm sure if Uncle Henry knew he was dying for such wonderful people He'd gladly do it over again He's done our shopping and you've never seen such a happy gang Mrs. O'Reilly has purchased the most extensive makeup kit Everything from lipstick to mud packs When the professor saw her face she said put it back in the mud again Al and the professor got exactly what they wanted And as for me, I bought a small Persian rug Irma thinks it's very impractical because she says we very seldom entertain Persians But she's happy beyond words even though her accountant Gimbalz has $500 against it Jane, yeah honey? Gee, you'll never know how wonderful I feel I helped all my friends and Al has a job working for me Yeah, you know honey, you're what you call a philanthropist How can you say that, Jane? I was born in Minnesota Alright, alright sweetie Oh it's Mr. Silk again from that lawyer's office Miss Peterson, I'm afraid I have bad news for you Bad? Yes, you're not the Irma Peterson we were looking for What? No, the Irma Peterson who is the real heiress is a waitress in Milwaukee We've checked your records you never had an uncle named Henry Good day Irma Peterson How could you make such a mistake? Don't you realize we now have $500 in bills we have to pay? Well, I didn't know Well whatever made you think you had an uncle Henry Well, I had an aunt named Henrietta and I thought he could be her husband Oh honey and we've spent over $500 Hello kids, chicken got some news for you Okay chicken, ladies first, what's your news? I'm poor again, I can't get the money What? Al, what's wrong? You're white Chicken I just came from the unemployment office Told them I had a job as your business manager so they took me off the list What does that mean? Chicken, I'm a total failure I'm the only guy who's unemployed that'd be an unemployed Irma put her coat and hat on and started out the door with a cake of swan in her hand So I said honey, where are you going with our swan? And Irma said Well gee Jane, Spring is here so I'm taking our swan up to the pond at Central Park to play with the other swans Well Jane, you know Irma has her serious moments about swan soap too Like when she washes dishes Why she says swan is perfect for dishes And you know lady, it's true Why even the way a cake of swan feels tells you it's a perfect dishwashing soap Sure next time you unwrap a cake of swan Just feel the cake with your fingertips Feel how swan super-creamed blend makes it differ from other soaps It feels smoother Then feel those mild swan suds They feel richer, creamier Then you'll know why super-creamed blend protects your hand Yes, thanks to swan super-creamed blend Your hands are left with a smooth, soft, young look And what's more, those swan suds rinse away so completely Your dishes don't need wiping A real time saver Yes, it's worth looking into lady Because if you want a soap that protects your hands A soap that'll get you out of the kitchen in a hurry You want the soap with the exclusive super-creamed blend Swan soap For his imaginary inheritance We have an extra mouth to feed Al shows up promptly Morning, noon and night for his meals As for the $500 on Irma's charge account Well, everyone's been nice enough to return their gifts And Irma, well, she just won't forget what happened Honey Yes, Jane Honey, have you seen my gold locket? You know the one I inherited from my grandmother Oh, I gave it away, Jane I don't want you to get in the same trouble I did You know, if I ever wanted to give anything away It'll be my friend Irma My friend Irma presented by swan Another fine product of Lieberbrothers Company Was produced and directed by Cy Howard Tonight's script was written by Cy Howard and Park Levy Folks, next Monday evening, listen again to Our friend swan With my friend Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane The part of Professor Kropotkin was played by Hans Conrie Ladies, listen The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious And it's worldwide So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat Your butcher will pay you for every pound Frank Bingman speaking Sprite Cakes are light and high Sprite There's a reason why Sprite Reliance Sprite Yes, there's a reason why Sprite makes grand cakes Sprite has an amazing cake improver secret Try the Sprite one bowl away And be sure of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake improver For new cake making success, try Sprite The pure, all vegetable shortening Reliance Sprite S-B-R-Y Reliance Sprite Tune in next week one hour earlier And listen to the Lux Radio Theatre Immediately followed by my friend Irma This is CBS where 99 million people gather every week The Columbia Broadcasting System