 Hello there, my beautiful internet friends. I'm about to expose one of the most vulnerable things I could possibly do for you. I'm trusting you a lot right here. I just need you to know. Are you ready? Vulnerability engaged. So I am a below the knee amputee. I use the prosthetic leg pretty much all of the time when I'm out in public, when it's comfortable enough to wear. But comfort is the key word here because honestly it is always gonna be more comfortable without this piece of carbon fiber encasing my flesh. I would say about 90% of the time when I'm out doing things in public I have my leg on. But if I'm sitting down at a coffee shop to work, maybe getting in the car to drive somewhere in an airport grabbing groceries, it is such great relief to just take my leg off. So why wouldn't I do that every single time I sit down? I wanna talk about why I might or might not have my leg off. This might sound like a very niche subject but I think it's actually something that's pretty important to discuss because the thought process that goes into what should be a very simple thing. Getting more comfortable is actually a lot more complex and vulnerable potentially dangerous than you might think. So let's talk about it. But first, a quick word from our lovely sponsor who I am wearing today. Thank you so much to Neda for sponsoring today's video. I actually heard about it and started using native well before they reached out to partner with me. Some of my best friends told me about them. I started using their deodorant and I was hooked. I love that their deodorant isn't sticky. It dries quickly, which is awesome for being on the go. It's aluminum free. I always wanna say aluminium when I see that word. It's aluminum free, paraben free, vegan and cruelty free but you will find a lot of familiar and great ingredients in this. Like coconut oil and shea butter that are simple but effective. The scents that I am trying this month are lavender and rose, my personal favorite. Sweet peach and nectar and lilac and white tea. I've also been using their eucalyptus and mint body wash. Native stays on all day, there's no need to reapply and offers 72 hour odor protection even on active days like when I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu practice, which I am doing in a few minutes. If you're adventurous and interested in some season specific scents, check out their naughty and nice collection this holiday season. Also they offer a classic free version, same product but more sustainable packaging. So three of their deodorants would normally cost $39 but if you use my link and code you'll get them for only 26. Which is over 33% off, Sophie's still learning math but she's excited about it. Also with that code you can get 20% off any body wash or toothpaste. Thank you again so much to Native for sponsoring today's video. Like I said, this is a product I've used before the sponsorship and I will continue using after because I genuinely like their product. I highly recommend checking them out. Use that link and code in description and help support the channel. Leah's coming to say hi. I swear whenever I sit in this corner it just becomes a magnet for the puppies which I'm not mad about. Check that out and let's hop back into it. I don't like fall on you. I'm so sorry. Think you're gonna survive. I think he's gonna make it. Okay so let's, oh god my leg just fell on me. That's quite a sentence, isn't it? Okay so we're gonna go on a few field trips today. I'm gonna do a little show and tell and also talk you through why even if it is intensely physically uncomfortable I will usually keep my leg on at all costs if I am out and about outside of my home. First things first, if I am going to a coffee shop to work which I commonly do to do some editing, take care of emails, things of that nature. I'll grab my coffee, sit down and I'll usually be sitting somewhere for hours at a time. That is in theory the perfect situation to take my leg off, get cozy and comfy. But very often I will avoid doing that for a very specific reason. Vulnerability and danger. Oh hello there, it's editing Joe. Important piece of context. If the rest of this video sounds a little over dramatic and a little bit paranoid, it might be. I went through some pretty substantial emotional, physical, sexual trauma earlier in my life like a decade ago and there are a lot of behaviors that stemmed from that that also feed into this where I just, I realize the world's not a safe place. I won't sit with my back to a door, things like that. So I don't think all of these are necessary but they are definitely how I function in this world. In this video I'm just gonna be talking about my own experience for me. I know other amputees handle this a variety of different ways. But for me personally, if I take my leg off I have now removed my ability to get out of the situation quickly if I need to. I have also to some extent identified myself as perhaps more of a target to anyone with nefarious thoughts or actions in mind because I cannot exit a situation as quickly as perhaps I'm with two meat legs. Super unfortunately, people with visible disabilities are often seen as targets way more than the average person. I'm gonna put some statistics up on screen that are gonna be really encouraging for all of us. But I live in a generally safe part of town. I'm generally going to safe sorts of areas. The reality is you can never predict what's gonna happen ever. For instance, if there was perhaps a natural disaster like a fire or something like that the additional time that it would take me to put on my prosthetic leg could be the difference between life and death. Is that maybe over dramatic? Probably. Is it also still possible? And a thing that does occur? Yes. It actually doesn't take that long to get my leg on and off, right? Probably like, I don't know, 15 seconds if I'm like taking my time with it. Again, that's not the most comfortable thing to do. But additionally, if I'm in some foreign environment with variables that I'm not sure about, it just makes me uncomfortable to have to be like bending over, putting something on, hoping it fits right before I can move. So when I walk into any situation there are a few things I consider. Number one, are there people around me who I know would help me if anything happened? That is generally limited to people that I actually know. So if I am somewhere with a family member, with a friend, I'm probably gonna be more likely to take my leg off because I have assistance in the case of something going down. Over the past year, I've had to do a lot of traveling and a lot of that has been alone. I've actually never traveled alone before, aside from 2022, basically. And making my way through airports, I was often in a lot of pain because of the pressure changes of flights, carrying my backpack and hauling my suitcase around in my leg would get in so much pain. But I was in completely foreign environments with people I did not know all around me and the amount of discomfort that that brought knowing that if I took my leg off and something happened, it would be harder for me to get out of that situation. I usually just keep my leg on. Next, let's talk about driving places. So driving is one of those situations where again, it is exponentially more comfortable if I just take my leg off. I'm sitting stationary in one place for a long time that causes pressure and pain and sometimes blood flow issues. So just having it off entirely is way more helpful. However, the destination of where I might be going and how long it's gonna take until I get there is a big piece of the thought process. If I know that, for instance, I'm gonna have to stop for gas soon, I will not take my leg off if pain allows and I can avoid it because I have to get out of my car and stand up without my leg on to be able to put it on and then walk around to, you know, pump my gas and that feels like a very vulnerable situation. I'm around strangers in public and I am clearly less mobile, especially in those moments of putting my leg on than other people. It definitely feels vulnerable and uncomfortable. Here's another factor that doesn't usually get to me but there are some days when it still rattles around the back of my mind. This looks different. This attracts attention, it attracts a lot of stares, it attracts questions, not that me wearing my parasitic leg doesn't because certainly we all know it does but not only have very few people had extensive interactions or seen amputees around that much but even more than that, it is very rare that you have ever seen someone sitting somewhere completely without a lamp. And if I'm sitting here talking in front of a camera or I'm with people I know, love and trust, I have no problem taking my leg off because they know me, it's fine but also I don't really care in that situation but in public, the level of adults specifically staring and this sometimes weird energy, sky rock it's pretty substantial if I don't have my leg on. I'm going back to what I was talking about earlier with there being a much higher chance of someone trying to do something to you physically especially if you are a female who is disabled. That is one of the biggest reasons why I train for combat without a leg. I've been training in jiu-jitsu for years and I've recently really dove head first back into it and jiu-jitsu, I do not wear my leg. It's not safe for myself or other people to be rolling around the ground with a piece of metal that could knock somebody out. But additionally, I also want to know how to handle myself if I ever got stuck in a situation where I didn't have my leg, my leg was taken from me, it was off for some reason and something bad was happening. As much as is within my ability, I want to make sure I'm prepared for that. Not that it is remotely a guarantee of not getting hurt or injured in some way but if there is anything that I can do to feel more comfortable, to feel more confident, totally limbless on one side, I'm gonna do that. And additionally, I also think it's kind of interesting that people usually see you as weak and helpless if you don't have a leg, right? But having the personal understanding that there is actually quite a lot that I can do without my leg on, along with being a good tool, it also kind of helps me carry myself a little bit differently and know that I am more prepared for that kind of a situation. Let's take this one step further. If you have watched any of my videos for a while, you have probably seen this. That's right, my uncovered nubbin. And when I am in the comfort of my own home, sitting in front of the camera, this doesn't weird me out at all. I think it's interesting to share information. I think it's something people generally haven't seen. I think it's good source of education. Also, it's usually just more comfortable to sit without anything on my limb. However, in real life, this is still a pretty big insecurity. I know that might sound funny, considering that I'm showing you thousands of people are gonna see this and that doesn't bother me for a single gosh darn second. But even sometimes with friends that I've had for a long time. I will, and I don't love this. It's something I'm still working through, but I will not uncover my leg in front of people unless I really frickin' know you, I really frickin' trust you. And even then, sometimes I still get weird about it. In real life with people around me, this feels extraordinarily emotionally vulnerable because I think in those moments, it's hard not to be aware of how different I look than the people around me. Especially things like getting into a pool, the ocean, a hot tub, anything like that. I am never more exposed and feel more vulnerable than having nothing on. It's almost, to some extent, feels like undressing in front of people. And so in some ways, it's sort of like a token of trust and emotional intimacy if I feel comfortable enough to do this. But additionally, I'm also not gonna take my liner off unless I'm somewhere for a long time. Primarily, because it's just another step to get my leg back on if I have to start moving again eventually. And usually most days, this isn't that uncomfortable to wear. So here's another little factor. Getting this puppy on and off, it is not the end of the world. It doesn't take that long, but it is not exactly comfortable. The process of forcing my limb down into this, this not movable socket, I feel discomfort. I feel nerve pain. I feel pressure. It takes a moment to kind of adjust. I have to step on my leg a few times to kind of get to activate the section so it starts feeling more comfortable. And so unless I'm actually going to be somewhere for a long enough period of time that I'm willing to deal with the discomfort of taking it off and putting it back on, I'll usually just leave it on. I also really like not having an additional step to be able to go grab a glass of water or go up to the cash register or whatever it is. I can't actually remember if I've touched on this in other videos or not before, but there is a huge difference in the way I carry myself if I am in a familiar environment or with people I know of and trust. If I am out somewhere on my own, generally speaking, I don't limp. I carry myself tall shoulders back, eyes forward, very consciously tried to move with intention and confidence. Traditionally over the course of my life, I have not been a particularly assertive person, but in the way that I carry my body, I get a lot more assertive if I am alone. Again, this just comes from like discomfort from living in the world that we live in and never knowing what I might run into. As much as I can, I want to project confidence and motion and movement. And even if my leg is hurting, I will usually move as if it doesn't until I can get to an environment where I feel safe to limp or be like, oh my God, I'm in pain or just rip my leg off entirely. I don't think this is necessary, necessarily. I was redundant, but it definitely is something that I do and I have done pretty much since I got my prosthetic leg. I'm really lucky that being an amputee is not a huge source of insecurity for me, but there are definitely pieces that are. And kind of the public interaction when I am alone is one of those things that I am always analyzing every possible aspect of a situation. How likely is it that I have to get out of this building quickly? How safe are the people around me? How generally safe is this part of town? Do I know anyone? Is anyone with me? Is anyone close by? Who could help? How long is it gonna take me to get my leg back on and get out if something happens? And here's the reality. For the most part, most situations are generally safe, but I've also had enough experiences in my life, both with people with bad intentions and also natural disasters that I know that they can occur. There are some days when I feel like I don't have the mental energy to constantly analyze everything and just kind of like screw it. I'm gonna choose to be comfortable here. End of story, I don't care. People stare, I know how to handle myself well enough. I can get my leg on fast enough for most things, but I do feel like one of the things that people who do not have disabilities, whether visible or invisible, don't really understand as the amount of mental energy that existence can take, that the planning ahead, the assessing situation, just all of the thought process and the pre-planning that goes into pretty much anywhere that you are all of the time. And I expect over time, a lot of this will ease, but honestly, I don't know. Pieces of it that are rooted in insecurity or not wanting to be stared at have definitely, definitely lessened over time because thankfully I care less and less about any of that, but I'm not sure if it'll ever be totally gone and certainly the safety aspects of analyzing should I have my leg on or can I take it off here will be ongoing. Thank you so much again to our sponsor for sponsoring today's video. You can check them out in the link down below. My beautiful patrons over on Patreon, you guys are amazing. I really appreciate your generosity. Thank you for your support there. And to you, lovely viewer watching this video. Thank you so much for taking a few minutes out of your day to hang out with me here, to maybe learn about a piece of life you hadn't heard about before. Listen to me talk, you could be anywhere else in the world doing anything else, but you chose to hang out with me for a few minutes and I really appreciate that. I love you guys, I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys.