 And the Abbot and Costello program brought to you by Camel, the cigarette that's first in the service. Camel stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Welcome to the music of Freddie Ritch and his orchestra, the songs of Connie Haynes, tonight's guest Mr. Alan Latt and starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. Rich, what do you mean? Ooh, I'm a millionaire. Calm down Costello, what's this all yelling all about? What do you mean you're a millionaire? Well, it's true Abbott, my uncle Oscar just died and left me all his money in his will. You mean you're a beneficiary? Yeah, because who's what? Beneficiary, beneficiary is the man who gets the money. Beneficiary ain't gonna get none of this money. My uncle left the door to me Abbott, how did Beneficiary get into this deal? I'll take him to court, I'll sue him. Costello will you be quiet, beneficiary means that you are your uncle's heir. My uncle's what? Your uncle's heir, heir, H-E-I-R. My uncle didn't have any H-E-I-R, he was ball headed. All right. All he had was a mustache. So what? Well, my uncle was very proud of that mustache. Every morning he used to cover it with toothpaste. So why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Well, so he could just his wife's toothpaste. Toothpaste, I mean toothpaste, why'd he do that? You have your S teeth in happiness. Yes, yes, I brought him along. Ladies and gentlemen, we will start back again. Why did he cover his mustache? With toothpaste. Toothpaste. Now, let's have it. Go ahead. Why did he cover his mustache with toothpaste? Yes. So he could kiss his wife goodbye and brush her teeth at the same time. Ah. Come on. Now, this whole thing is ridiculous. For one thing, how do you know your uncle left this money? Oh, I just got this telegraph from my uncle's lawyer. I'm going to read it. Go ahead and read it. Dear Lou Costello, your uncle Oscar has just died and left you a million. Thanks for your past favors. How do you like that, Abbott? I'm rich. I'm going to take everybody out and buy him a multi-milk. A multi-milk? Yeah, because I'm a multi-millionaire. Oh. Don't be crazy. By the way, Costello, you never told me about your uncle Oscar. Where did your uncle live, Costello? Oh, he lived in England. Everybody know my uncle Oscar in England. He used to walk around with a pocket full of shillings. Shillings? No pants? Sure he had pants. What do you think of that? Walk around in his underwear? Oh, never mind. Forget your uncle's underwear, please. Oh, well, don't you think it'd be a little graphing? Now, look, Costello, now that you've inherited a million, million dollars, what are you going to do with all that money? Well, I'm going to use half of the money to buy bonds. That's what everybody should do. That's swell. And then with the other half, I'm going to buy a radio station. You're going to buy a radio station? Yeah. You don't know anything about radio? Well, you don't even know who discovered electricity. I do too. Mrs. Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity. Mrs. Benjamin Franklin. You mean Benjamin Franklin? No. Mrs. Benjamin Franklin. One day she and her husband had an argument and she said, Benjamin, go fly a kite. Oh, all right. That's enough, Costello. This whole thing is ridiculous. Well, hello, fellas. Oh, it's Ken Niles. Say, Bud, what's that fat boy looking so happy about? He looks like the cat that just swallowed a mouse. If I was a cat, you're one rat that wouldn't be. A running around loose. All right. Costello just got some good news, Ken. His uncle left him a million dollars and he is going to buy a radio station. And what's more, Niles? I'm going to be the head announcer on my program. You're going to be the head announcer? Costello, you can't become a head announcer overnight. Well, I've been hammering away for years to be a head announcer. You look like a hammerhead. Quiet, Costello. Niles is right. An announcer must have an education. You can't even read or write. Well, maybe not, but I spell. You certainly do. I spell it. OK. Spell at Mississippi. State of River. River. River. River. River. Huh? River. River? Yeah. All right, BER. River. Come on, Costello. Don't try to crawl out of it. Spell Mississippi. OK. Mississippi. Yes. M-I-P. What's the ping for? I was dotting the I's. Oh, this is the silliest thing I ever heard of. Why, Costello, my lovely wife would make a better announcer than you would. Your lovely wife? That old umbrella had her face lifted so many times, Mark Costello. And I want you to know that I have never had my face lifted. They started to lift it, but when they saw what was underneath, they dropped it again. You must excuse Costello today, Mrs. Niles. He's all excited. He just inherited a million dollars, and he's buying himself a radio station. Oh, that sounds just like in the stingy, fat, sleut of crats. He wouldn't think of buying anything for his friends. I wouldn't say that, Mrs. Niles. I'm going to buy you a lovely present, a nice red fire extinguisher that will last you 100 years. Oh, I don't expect to be here for 100 years. That's all right. Well, you're going. You can take it with you. Now, wait a minute, Costello. The nicest present you could give Mrs. Niles is a chance to try out for that announcing job on your new station. Now, why not have a little contest to see who is the fastest reader? That's right, Costello. After all, it's speed that counts in announcing, and my lovely wife and I challenge you to a contest. Now, that's fair enough. All right, Mrs. Niles, you will be number one. Oh, thank you very much, Mr. Rabbit. I should certainly do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself as a lady. Splendid, Mrs. Niles. Now, Ken, you're number two. Thank you very much, Bud. Now, I certainly can do my best to win this contest fairly and conduct myself as a gentleman. Good, good. And now, Costello, you will be number three. Thank you, Mr. Rabbit, because I don't know how to think as much about my programs as my announcer, too. I didn't understand what you said, Costello. Well, did you hear what the other said? Yes. All right, now let's go. You will each recite Mary Had a Little Lamb. Now, when I call your name, you start. When you hear the bell, you stop. And don't forget to take a great, big, deep breath. All ready now? Mary Had a Little Lamb. No, no, no. Wait a minute. I'll call out the names. Not you. No, not you. All right. Mrs. Niles. Mary Had a Little Lamb. Please smile so. Now, everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go and follow her to school one day. Ken Niles. Mary Had a Little Lamb. Please smile so. Now, everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go and follow her to school one day. Which was that? Lou Costello. Mrs. Niles. I didn't understand yet. Mrs. Niles. Now, everywhere that Mary went, Ken Niles? Mary Had a Little Lamb. Please smile so. Now, everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go and follow her to school one day. Lou Costello. Mrs. Niles. Mary Had a Little Lamb. Please smile so. Now, everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go and follow her to school one day. Lou Costello. bases to Japan is Dutch harbor on Unalaska Island in the Aleutians. To Americans at Dutch harbor, to United States bases and outposts throughout the world, go camel cigarettes. Buy the million. Buy the ton. For camels are first with men in all the services according to actual sales records. And of course, fresh camels in the Aleutians mean fresh camels for you too. Yes, your camel cigarettes stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. Today, more people want camels, both at home and overseas. More people want the fresh cigarette, the cigarette with more flavor. So remember, if your store is sold out, camel cigarettes are worth asking for again. AMELS. Camel cigarettes. Camel standard of costlier tobaccos is the same. For soldier, for civilian, anywhere in the world. Connie Haynes sings the California novelty tune, San Fernando Valley. Oh, I'm packing my grip and I'm leaving today cause I'm taking a trip to California way. I'm gonna stay at my home, I'll forget my sin, I'll be making new friends where the West begins. And the sun, I've decided where you're truly and it's the San Fernando Valley for me. When my lonely journey home hit in the trail to the cow country, you can afford my mate. AP Crinklemeyer of Crinklemeyer and Ingersoll. Where's Ingersoll? He's doing time. Speaking of buying a program on your station, I'm in the cracker business. You look like the crummy type. Mr. Costello, take it easy. You need the business. Yes, Mr. Costello. You see, I'm a very successful man. I manufacture crinklemeyer's crispy, crunchy, crackly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly. I make biscuits. And you do it the hard way too. Quiet, Costello. What kind of a program did you wish to put on, Mr. Crinklemeyer? I want a program that will sell crinklemeyer's crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly, crinkly. You want to sell biscuits? Young man, you took the words right out of my mouth. You mean I took the biscuits right out of your pen? That's it, young man. You make the cracks and I'll make the crackers. Ha, ha, ha. How? Ha, ha, ha. And now I'd like to have you meet a young chap who's going to help put on my program. Meet my announcer, Oliver Storty. Howdy-a-dy. Howdy-a-dy. Howdy-a-dy. Howdy-a-dy. Hello. This guy's a radio announcer? Well, I suppose you like your own announcers, but I thought you might like to put one moron. And he's the moron who can do it too. Let the boy read something for us, Castella. Go ahead. Let him read something. Oh, yeah, I'm marvelous. Wonderful. Simply marvelous. I'll get a load of this. Good evening, everybody. Hello. This is Oliver Storty's bringing you the Crinklemire Cracker program from Ha, Ha, Ha, Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been listening to a coast-to-coast hiccup. A hiccup business elsewhere. Listen, that's no way to run a radio station. You're chasing all the customers away. Look who it is, that famous killer. Uh, Custas. Uh, the little fat one. Me. I'm Castello. Oh, yeah, huh? Listen, fatty, I understand you just inherited a million dollars. It's all right. You got me. Go ahead. Take my money. Pull out your gun. Go ahead. Shoot me full of holes. Go on. Make me look like Swiss cheese. Go ahead. Hey, wait a minute. What are you talking about? I don't even carry a gun. Oh, gun is too noisy, eh? You got a knife. Mm-hmm. Got a knife, eh? I got a clean underwear. I'm ready to die. Castello, Alan Laird doesn't want to kill you? If he does, I'll have a talk to him again. Oh, look, I don't want you to die. I hope you're left to be 150 years old. Oh, you want me to be an old man, 150 years old with a beard. I'll trip over my beard, fall into the street, get run over by a truck. Then you'll want to take me to a hospital. Oh, no, no, no. He wants you to be healthy so you can go to work. Oh, fine, fine. I've never met a guy before. An old man, me, 150 years old, he wants me to go to work. What does he care? Okay, okay. Don't go to work. Oh, no, he won't let me work. He wants me to starve now. No, no, no. Wait a minute, please. No one wants you to starve to death. No, eat steaks. Eat big, juicy steaks. How do you like that? 150 years old, not a tooth in my head? He wants me to eat steaks. Listen, Castello, if it'll make you happy, I'll carry you around in my arms. Now it's time to make an invalid out of me. Castello, quiet. Stop all this nonsense and arguing with Alan Laird. Give the man a chance to talk, please. That's right, Castello. I merely heard that you were starting a radio station. I came over for a job. You want a job at my station? Well, what would you do? Well, I always wanted to be one of those fellows who steps up to the microphone and says, Man, a new shaving cream has hit the market. It is called a reversal. Reversal does the way with shaving of any kind. It makes the whiskers grow inside your mouth. All you have to do is bite them off. Remember reversal. Spelled backwards, it reads, reads, uh, Azurva. Which makes it harder to remember. See, Castello, this Alan Laird is pretty good. Yes, not bad for a Laird. Hey, listen, but I think his voice is a little... ...away from the microphone, Alan. What, you mean like this? No, no, you're still too close. Step back a little farther. Oh, you are. Well, open up those French windows and step out on that balcony. ...and left the daring young man as flat as a pressed pleat. And it can be worse in your cigarette. If wartime flatness is spoiling your smoking, get camels for more flavor. Yes, if you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat, no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. Expert blending of costlier tobaccos gives camel cigarettes that extra flavor. It helps them to hold up, keep from going flat, no matter how many you smoke. Double check that for yourself in your taste and throat, your T-zone proving ground for camel's rich extra flavor and smooth extra mildness. And remember, camel cigarettes stay fresh, cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world. C-A-M-T-L-S. Camel cigarettes, they're first in the service. They've got what it takes. Come in. Well, hello, boys. How's the radio business? Hey, Evan, it's Alan Ladd. What are you doing back here, Alan? I feel like I got rid of you when you fill up the buckling. Didn't you get hurt? No. Fortunately, I was wearing my light fall suit. Ha, ha, ha. You need me around here, Castello. Your audience is crying for new blood. And in a minute, they're gonna get it. Your blood! Not right, Castello. Why don't you listen to Alan? He may have some good program ideas to improve your station. Well, certainly, Castello. I've written lots of dandy programs. Why don't we try out a few of them? For example, those all-night records shows are very popular. You fellas help me out and we'll try one right now, huh? Well, what are we waiting for? Let's listen to the music. Good evening, record fans everywhere. This is Happy Alan Ladd bringing you the oldest all-night record program on the air. Broadcasting since 1896. 24 years before radio. Now, that's enough talking. We start off our uninterrupted dance music with a recording of Mexicali Rose, played by Freddie Snitch and his Los Angeles River washouts. Here it is. Mexicali Rose. This number is being played for Fred and Mabel. Cecil and Rodney. Becky, Fanny, Pauline. The boys at Schmetnik's Pool Hall. The shut-ins at Alcatraz and Poopsy. I know you all want to dance. So back to the music. What's up with the white toothbrush? When you smile, does your tooth stand out like a limer being in a barrel of tar? Then try Dr. Feinbuster's toothpaste. The only 10-empty-two. Just send in your tooth. And I want to interrupt the music for a moment to tell you that you're dancing to Mexicali Rose. Slicko shellac on your floor. Simple, simple test. Put two drops of slicko shellac on your floor and rub gently for two days. Then put two more for three days. And finally, two more drops and rub for two more days. You have just been dancing to Mexicali Rose. Good night. Say, Alan, that was great. Yeah, they were, Alan. Got any more of those kind of programs? Well, I've got a great story for your daytime program. It's all about a young girl and her problems. You want to hear it? That sounds good, Costello. Freddie Rich. Let's have the theme music. The makers of Gro-Fuzz Hairtonic present another episode in the true life story of Blossom Think. Girl's street cleaner. At first. At first, listen to what a satisfied user has to say about Gro-Fuzz. Go ahead, Mr. Schnook. My wife was disappointed in me because I didn't have any hair on my chest. So I bought a bottle of Gro-Fuzz. And now after one application, you should see the hair on my chest. I don't wear a shirt anymore. And now back to Blossom Think. Girl's street cleaner. It seems like only yesterday that poor Blossom drank potato bug spray, thinking it was orange picot. But don't worry, folks, Blossom's all right now. The police gave her the third degree and pumped it out of her. In the meantime, Blossom's friend Harvey went to the general store to meet Squire Prindle to inquire about Larry, who had received the tragic letter from Mrs. Phil Potts' nephew, Eustace, who had told her of the split up between Bernice and Fitzroy. Now, while this was happening, the butcher's son, Herman, spied Charlie and Julius, leaving Mrs. Greystone's house with Myrtle and Phoebe, and quickly rang the far alarm. Naturally. Blossom was a little confused by all this. And so am I. But, as we look in upon Blossom this morning, she and her husband are having breast breakfast. Who? Blossom speaks. Oh, good morning, John Darling. What do you want for breakfast? Dear, I'd like some coffee. But you should have milk. But I'd much rather have a coffee, dear. But you should have milk. I'd rather have coffee. No, milk. No, no, coffee. Milk! Coffee! And remember, friends, go to your nearest drug store and get a bottle of Gro-Fuzz hair tonic. Try it tonight. If you're not completely satisfied, please don't complain. You've only got one bottle. We got a million of them. Castello, that's the greatest radio story I've ever heard. You're right, Abbott. Hey, look, Alan, I'll buy the whole works from you. Okay, okay, Castello. That'll be $10,000. Cash on the barrel head. And I'm just a barrel head that's got the money. Now, Alan, just listen to this telegram. I want to show you that I really got a lot of dough. Now, get it. Dear Luke Castello, your Uncle Oscar has just died and left you a million. Thanks for your past favors. Hey, wait a minute. Let me see that telegram. Okay. Oh, I thought so. You read it wrong. Oh, no. You haven't got a million dollars. You haven't got a cent. What do you mean? Here, I'll read this telegram for you. Dear Luke Castello, your Uncle Oscar has just died and left you. A million thanks for past favors. Castello, did you hear that? Did I hear that? What's wrong with that telegram? What's that? I ain't got no Uncle Oscar. Ah, get out of here. Abbot and Castello will be back in just a moment. Thanks to the angst of the week. Tonight, we salute 23-year-old Marine Captain Harold Siegel of New York City, one of two Corsair pilots who attacked the formation of 40 Japanese planes. First, he shot Zero's tail off, and then his companion, following through with four Japs firing at him, he dove and blew up another, continuing on down to smash a third. Now under fire from about 10 enemy fighters, Captain Siegel's plane was shot to pieces, but he stuck with it and plunged into the water. Next morning, he was rescued by a destroyer. In your honor, Marine Captain Harold Siegel, the makers of camels are sending to our Marines in the Pacific 300,000 camel cigarettes. Each of the four camel radio shows honors a yank of the week, 300,000 camel cigarettes overseas, a total of more than a million camels sent free each week. In this country, the traveling camel caravans have thanked audiences of more than three and a half million yanks with free shows and free camels. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States four times a week, a short wave to our men overseas and to South America. Listen tomorrow to Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Saturday to Bob Hawke in Thanks to the Yanks. Monday to Blondie. And next Thursday to Aberdeen Costello with our guests, Cary Grant and Don Barkley. Hello, Costello. We'd better start getting ready for next week's program. You know, we're going to have Cary Grant and his friend Don Barkley as our guests. Cary Grant, you mean the big movie star? That's right, Costello. You know, Cary just returned from the South Pacific where he entertained the soldiers. Yeah, I understand he made a lot of money on that trip. Oh, don't be silly. The army doesn't pay him for that. He made the money off the jabs. He had a great record. What do you mean? That night he'd hide behind a tree with a baseball bat and built the jabs over their heads. How could Cary make money that way? Easy. When the jabs came to it, sell them a roadmap. Good night, folks. Good night, buddy. We turn to an end next week for another great Aberdeen Costello show with our special guests, Cary Grant and Don Barkley. Alan Ladd appeared tonight through the courtesy of Paramount Pictures, producers of the Miracle of Morgan's Creek. And remember, get camels for more flavor. If you're looking for a cigarette that won't go flat no matter how many you smoke, get camels for more flavor. This is Ken Niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from Hollywood.