 Oh, here, let me, I wanna put on my headphones here. I have a joke about that, but you'll get mad. I'm sure it's hacky as hell. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Let me guess, it's like, what do we want? A cure for Tourette's? When do we want it? Kant! That's like a classic. No, are we rolling? We're rolling. I was gonna say, can we talk about this? Sure. Well, you know somebody who's going to Spain? Yes. My husband, Gardner Comfort. He's going over Memorial Day weekend. To talk about? He's doing a TEDx talk in Madrid. That's Madrid, to all of you ignoramuses. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. About having Tourette's. About, you know, being part of a community that has its own understandings. Right. And I was just thinking, as you said that to me, it must be difficult to have Tourette's in Spain if you don't speak Spanish, because how can you blurt out? Obcenities? Oh boy. Puta, would that help him? But that isn't a real thing, right? Well, it is. It's called Coprolalia. Coprolalia? Coprolalia, C-O-P-R-O, L-A-L-I-A. But only like 10% of people with Tourette's actually have that manifestation. And the other 90% fake it. No. Well, the one that is more mysterious is the one that involves like social taboo words. Like some people with Tourette's will say the N-word or say like fat bitch or stuff like that. Because there's like some sort of neurological Venn diagram between like socially inappropriateness and anxiety and language. And so they'll blurt out the thing that they don't wanna say. It's like Tourette's is just really trippy. It's like a cosmic joke that is being played on your body by your own self all the time. Robin Williams told me that when he was making awakenings with Oliver Sacks, who wrote the- Right, the man who mistook his wife for a hat. That he got in an elevator because they were shooting at a hospital and there was a woman who had Tourette's. And he gets into the elevator and it stops on one floor and a big fat black man walks in and he starts staring at her like no, no, don't, don't. And she did. Yeah, I mean, those are like the fun theatrical kinds of texts that like people love to make jokes about. And like I get it, I personally don't find it hilarious because I just live with most of the time just like the actually hard stuff about Tourette's which is that people treat my husband like he's mentally ill or turn around with like super intense anger anytime we go to see a movie or see a play or like we're lying in bed trying to go to sleep at night and his body is thrashing and it's like really exhausting and hard. So I have a much more- I had to say I have a friend who has Tourette's and I didn't know it at first. And the way hers manifests is like she sniffs a lot. Like very deeply and continually. So the first time I was hanging out with a bunch of people and I just left, I just walked out because I was just like, God, this woman won't, I think God, I didn't hand her a tissue or tell her to blow her nose, but I just walked out and then a friend was talking to a friend like, God, can you believe this? And then he was like, no, no, actually, no, she's got Tourette's. Yeah, because a lot of times tics are like normal things. Like my husband has one where he goes, and it sounds like he's clearing his throat or coughing. And so almost every day, if he has to take the subway that day, which he totally hates because people give him dirty looks and whatever, he'll come home and he'll have this little handful of lozenges in his jeans pocket and they'll put them on the nightstand or on our dresser. And it's, yeah. You know what, I'm sorry, I'm laughing. That is a little bit funny. Well, no, hang on. Not me, it is funny. It's a human impulse to try to correct the thing that's annoying you and also to help people, sometimes at the same time, which often that gesture is. Plus give a little bit of a passive aggressive, I'd like you to stop that now. Right, exactly. Because I have an itchy throat last year. I just, my allergies have made that. And I always find that I have to clear my throat when I'm walking behind someone on the sidewalk. Like it never fails. The only time I have to really clear my throat is when someone's walking in front of me and I've learned to disguise it as a sneeze or a cough. Because if you go, then they will turn around and assume that you're being like a shitty passive aggressive person. So I can't imagine that's your life all day long. You're on the subway, there's some dude, you clear your throat and they turn and they're like, well, what the fuck is this guys? What do you fucking clean your throat of me, buddy? Yeah. Yeah, or are you coughing? Are you like sneezing on me? Or sometimes he'll go, like he makes this explosive noise slash movement through his nose, like a breath movement. It's not even a breath, it's just a kind of short, sharp expression. I don't know how else to, it's like that specific and that difficult to describe. But people think he's like snotting on them. You know? It's weird, it's trippy. Well, it's great to see you guys. It's great to see you too. Oh, hi. Enough about my husband's neurological disorder. How are you? Welcome to the show. David, I haven't seen you since we made America Great Again. Yes we did, can you get, let me introduce, don't touch the microphone. You know what, I'm gonna adjust the microphone during the show. What, we got Gigi Allen over here? I am gonna throw shit at you guys over the course of the show. Who's Gigi Allen? Oh, he was this really insane aggress, I can't believe you don't know who Gigi Allen is. I feel like he would be right up your alley to think people to know about. And it's the world's greatest music reference if you have to make a joke about punk rock especially. Okay. So he was this really self-destructive and outwardly destructive punk alleged musician who would like cut himself with broken bottles and like shit in his own hands and like fling it at the audience. You mean I'm a musician? Well, I apparently so. He also. He also had like a little duo together. He had a band called the Murder Junkies and they were called that because they were junkies and they shot up together and so there's a very, it was like everything that you think about a hard partying, early death, rock and roll lifestyle, Gigi Allen lived it. He was covered in tattoos, he was a maniac. Did he live? No, he's dead. He's dead. He died young-ish. He played bright in this neighborhood. Yeah. Like this was the stomping grounds. Like there was a big shooting gallery a few blocks down from here and he would hang out there and then there were a bunch of just tiny little DIY venues all over this neighborhood where he would just go up and set fire to things. Yup. People. People, no, he would throw chairs at the audience. It was, you only went if you were really angry and you really just wanted to be part of something that manifested your anger to society. And the music, are there albums that you can listen to and all over Spotify? I'll tell you seriously, I'll give you 10 bucks if you make it all the way through one. There's a documentary about him, what is it called? Like, is it called like Twisted or something like that but that's not the word. Gigi Allen? Yeah, but it's A-L-L-I-N. G-Period, G-Period, A-L-L-I-N. I like spelling things. So, let me introduce everybody. Fair enough. That was the voice of Colleen Worthman who was back in New York, thank God. Yay. She was living in L.A. for a while. Yup. We hung out in L.A. one night. We did. And that is Liam McInerney. McInerney. Liam McInerney, author of Bright Cities, Bright Lights. Big Lights, Bright Cities. Bright City, Big Lights. You say it's McInerney. McInerney. McInerney. You keep changing it on me. No, you just apparently don't care to remember how to pronounce my name correctly. Well, I haven't seen you in a while. You kind of left me. I left, I left for Los Angeles. You left me. I left you. Oh, boy. Dude, you were one of the last few things keeping me in New York City. Like, there was just a point where I... I lied, I wasn't pregnant. So... Then why did I pay $600 for that abortion, David? God damn it. The second time, shame on me. See, that's why she's a head writer of a show. Like, when she takes it there. I got hot board jokes. What is a hot board joke? Hot board, like a board. Oh, I thought it was sort of like what a head writer says. Hot board, like it goes up on the board. Oh, no, no. We have to get it on the show. I got a hot board joke. I like it. Wow, David, you haven't worked in a while, huh? Let's create a new term for writing. That's a hot board joke. Then a board. No, no, no. A hot board joke. Then I like hot board joke, because then you're like, well, we can't do that, but it's a hot board joke. Yeah. We could have both. Why not both? Okay. Because I feel like this is... You know how like at some point a son's just got to battle his father for supremacy? Indeed. That's what's going on today. Oh, okay. Wait, are we both the son? No, no, I'm fighting David to take over. Oh. Do you see me as a father figure? I know. You know what? I see you as an authority. Nor do I see you as anything else for that matter. No, I definitely don't see you as an authority in any way whatsoever. But I see you as like a comedy uncle. Like, I would say that. Like, you're an older person who has a career that I aspire to be somewhat like. So you respect me? No, but I just, you somehow... Do you look up to me when you're blowing me? And make eye contact? You somehow like despite your... Why are you apologizing to me? Because it was a bad joke. It was a board joke. I don't want to get into that. I don't want to be like the judge Judy of this podcast. No, put that into the board joke file. It was a hot board joke. Yep. Not a hot one. But it's not even a board level. That's just a B.J. joke. That's like... It was a B.J. joke. Do you look up to me? Do you make eye contact when you're blowing me? Well, you would know that, wouldn't you? You should know that. That would get you a one. As the blowy. That's the least you could do. No, no, I definitely see David as the guy who like puts his hands behind his back. And like closes his eyes like he's like the fucking Shah. Like in his tent in the desert. On my peacock throne. So David, I haven't seen you in seven months. Are you getting late? Are you getting your dick wet? Are you catching any strange? Are you hitting that nani? Are you getting any ass? Are you tapping any tail? I don't understand the question. Basically, are you having sex with women? Are you inserting your penis into any women's vaginas? Consensually. Consensually. Or non-consensually. See, that's a hot board joke right there. Defined female. Human? Human? You know what? Does a trash can count as female? Technically, a female cat has a vagina. So yes. No, but seriously, are you dating David? Like are you seeing anybody? I am not gonna discuss my... Why not? That's what we wanna know. We came, I came here all the way from Harlem. I took the four train and it went local, sir. And I, you know what? I came here from Los Angeles to ask you about your dating life. I feel like that's the least you could do. That's the bare minimum. I wanna spare you. Have you noticed that all the big podcasts are the ones where the hosts kind of open up about their lives and let the list turn a little bit? Take a page from that concept. Yeah, like WTF with Mark Maron. So let's, well, would it help the podcast if I was getting late? And this would be an actually interesting thing to know from a host. Okay, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr. We will talk about your cats a little bit later in the podcast, David, are you least going on a first date? Are you courting any ladies? Yes. Okay, how many? Do they know about each other? Courting, you know, divorce is in a court. Don't give me your pun bullshit. What is this, wait, wait, don't tell me? I just listened to wait, wait, tell me today. It was excellent. It was excellent. Oh, was it? Yeah. Speaking of which, so how many ladies are you dating right now? Yeah. I, I'm going to say two when you're playing them off each other. No, I would say two and they don't know about each other. That's, that's my guess. I would say David's probably one of those guys that like sees a woman for a few months but he's still on Tinder looking for other women like that kind of guy. Wait, but that's, that's technically only dating one person and then just tendering. No, because the first few months in my opinion are not a relationship. That's like anything goes, you can see other people. It's when you kind of agree within that three to six month period when you're like, you kind of like, oh, what are we feelings about each other? Let's make this exclusive. That's when it's a relationship. But I feel like David is probably in his mind at least in the zone where he can see more than one person and it's okay. Right, but again, on the technical tip, dating one person while just swiping through Tinder, that's just dating one person. Well, first of all, if we're talking about results, that's one person. I don't think David really knows how to use Tinder. So I was just using that as an example. Yeah, I mean, obviously he's not using Tinder. Right, he's obviously going, he's hanging out after a show and talking to young women who thought the show was funny and just like, hey, if you wanna get together and write some jokes, I would definitely help you out. I don't see David as like a young gal cruiser. I feel like he's gonna date people like his own age-ish or maybe slightly younger but like, he's not gonna go like after 25 year olds. His daughter is 25 and that would just give him out too much, am I right, David? But the thing is, there are a lot of women in their late 30s who think they're gonna make it in comedy if they start now. They have no idea. God bless, God bless. God bless them. And do they think? God bless. So David probably talks to them as like, hey man, if you want to get together and write some jokes, I'd love to help you out. Yeah, but 37 is still too young for him. Really, David? 37's too young? What's your age range? I'm listening, this is interesting. So I mean. No, no, no, no, you have to answer before we can go on. Okay, I'll answer your questions if I want to. Go ahead. What is your age range? I enjoy being around women who are my age. Okay, so what is that age range? I would say early to mid 50s, early to mid 50s. Okay. Because as Bob Saget said, I can take you to the morgue and we can open up some drawers and we can put some on the marble slab fee to take a look at. That's what Saget said to me when I told him I'm attracted to women my own age. He said, are they still alive? Because he can't imagine. You know what the thing is? Is that guy really as gross as he wants everyone to think he is? He's a wonderful man. Yeah, I mean, I feel like everyone's always like, oh, his comedy's so outrageous. Alex, make a note I want to ask David about that off air and see what he says. Interesting. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. About what? About Saget. Oh, no, I love Bob. Okay. But is his lifestyle as grody as he wants everyone? Not at all, not at all. He's a hopeless romantic. Interesting. Yeah, and he treats women with the respect. The only way you can make those kind of jokes is if nobody has anything on you. Interesting. That is true. Interesting. That is true, once you become that guy, people don't want it, it's not funny anymore. You have to, once Dice Clay became that guy, it just didn't become funny anymore. People were like, oh, well he actually hates women. Right. But then what about like a Jim Norton who makes a lot of hay out of like, oh, I have sex with trans women. I am such a gross, weird pervert, but he seems like he actually is. Well, he is, but you can't have anything on a guy like that because he'll be honest about it and he'll be the first one to cop to it. Is there such a... Does that make it less funny? Is there, there's probably something he won't tell us, right? When people say they're an open book, they're really, but let's go back to my dating life. Okay. I just want to finish this thought. I think you're right that David likes to age appropriate women, I believe you, but I think he likes the ones that do yoga and keep in really good shape. Like I don't think you like like a mess. A mess. A mess. To describe a human being as a mess. David is a fairly, you know, conscientious person who, you know, you always have a nice shirt on and... But you notice all those guys in L.A. date yoga women who keep themselves in really good shape. Well, are there any non-yoga women? I didn't see any. Yeah, there are a ton of them. I wasn't, I mean, admittedly I was living in an Airbnb in West Hollywood, so it was sort of a self-selecting community of sort of... It was gay men and women in really good shape who want to be around gay men. Right. And I think that's David's type is like a, you know... Women who are very comfortable around gay men. Yes, that seems to be my type of woman. But that actually is a good sign sometimes. Right. Because there's a certain kind of woman who only hangs around with gay men because she's afraid of actually experiencing intimacy with heterosexual men and also feels like no one will ever understand, like no hetero man will ever understand me or I can have, you know, it's a safety mechanism. And then there's heterosexual women who hang around gay men because they're like, can be raunchy and have fun. Right. Those are two different things. They're not necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are two qualitative distinctions worth acknowledging. You know what made me uncomfortable was like, heterosexual women who call men my gay. Oh, it's... It's just like really weird and possessive and I don't even... It's gross. I don't know why it offends me, but it offends me. Well, you're identifying somebody by their sexuality. You wouldn't say my black. Well, not in front of them. Well, but then... His father owned a plantation. Oh. That's not funny, David. We lost a lot of money. Is that why your middle name is Beauregard? Well, I do declare. That's why you're always like putting your thumbs in your suspenders. I wish I was in the land of cotton. All times they are non-forgotten. Yuck. If you were born... Gross. Colleen. If you were born... Colleen. If I were born... If you were born... Big if. If you weren't a hot pork joke. 1848, you're born in Georgia. You're, now it's 1860. I'm sneering as I'm hearing this. And your father owns a plantation. And you're... My now dad is there with me. This is getting too complicated. Well, she'd be 34 at that point. I can't do the math. Let's just say you were born into a plantation. And... White or black? She's white. Okay, she's white. How was I to assume that? Yeah, don't assume her color. And so now you've got the hoop skirt or the hoop dress or whatever they wore back then. Mm-hmm. And a, you know, mammy. Okay, let's get to the end. Would you rebel against that and say this is wrong or would you go along with it? Look, in real life, in the 20th century, my own grandfather was drafted into the Nazi army. So I don't have a lot of historical maybe scruples on which to stand here, okay? Who can say maybe, maybe not? I don't know. The person I am now is certainly not the person I would have turned out to be if I were just like born into the world then. Like everyone's like, oh, never again. That could never happen again. Of course, anything could happen always again. You know what's interesting? And will. Like, yes. I was really curious about how ordinary Germans got into the whole Nazi thing because, you know, like you understand. Super incrementally, like over many years. I read a great book about, I wish I could remember the name of it. Explaining Hitler by Ron Rosenbaum? No, it's something else, well, maybe, but it was just about life in Germany before and during Nazi Germany. And basically it was just like, you know, like nobody wanted their kids to be part of the Hitler youth. It's just a summer camp was such a big part of the German lifestyle at that time. And eventually the Nazis just took over those youth camps and made it the Hitler youth camps. Yeah, my dad did Hitler youth. So you had, you had. Your dad? Yeah. I mean, like everyone was in it who. Well, that's it is like, so basically, your choice was. He said it was the funnest camp. You would like milk campfires and like. Oh, there were camps in Germany that were a lot more fun. Oh, I know. I could go on and on, David. I could go on and on. But the thing was, you had a choice. No one was forced to join Hitler youth. It was just like, it's either that or have no friends. You know, like all your friends were going to camp because as they always did, as their fathers did and so on. Yeah, he was like, if you wanted to have like, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and campfire because everyone, you know, because whatever it was wartime, you would go and like be in Hitler youth. And if like you get to sing all the campfire songs and then at the end, you have to say how Hitler. He was like, so we said how Hitler. I was in Berlin. I heard an amazing story. This woman had an elderly neighbor who lived through the war. And she said, you know, all the soldiers kind of came home one night and then the Russians invaded the next day. And so all the commanding officers were told to get their guys out of their homes and leave them against the Russians. And he said, instead, you just told everybody take off your uniforms, you know, hide them and just take every family till this is over. She said like a bomb fell into their apartment, like through the roof of their apartment building and two guys had to come with blankets and take it to the river and, you know, like detonate it there. Whoa. I wonder if we should get our money back for a bomb that didn't go off. But maybe it was a Russian bomb. Oh, okay. So your father was in Hitler youth. Yeah. And so when the war was over, how old was he? 13. He was 13. Wait a minute. Really? How old is he now? Is he still with us? 21. Wow. Does anything, are there any fond memories? The Hitler youth camps, does he have any fond memories of Hitler or anything that was joyous? No, he's very, he jokingly bitterly refers to his childhood as a good old days. My son is in Berlin now. Is he? Yep. Learning fluent, he's already fluent in German. What neighborhood is he living in? I don't know. He showed me a FaceTime video, it was beautiful. Oh, Berlin is incredibly beautiful. You know what? I almost moved there. I still kind of regret not moving there about 10 years ago, because it's just such an easy place to live and it's not expensive. If you're an artist, you are fucking psyched to live in Berlin. And then I could just go and do gigs from Berlin and use that as my home base. He says there's a comedy scene there. There's now a big comedy scene there. Huge comedy scene there. He speaks English. He said that there's a deal that they're offering young people because they have a demographic problem. Everybody is too... And I'm 29, so I'm listening. Everybody's too old in Germany. They need young people. That's why they let the refugees in because somebody's gotta keep the engine going to pay for the safety net. And the deal is they will pretty much give them citizenship if he learns to speak German. So he's like... Yeah, you have to do that in order to actually qualify for German jobs. You have to take this exam. There's actually a big article about it in The Times yesterday. So it is the official language of Germany. I don't know if it's official, but the government definitely is like, you have to be proficient in this language. Yes, I looked into emigrating there. And yet he says everybody there speaks English. Yeah, because you learn it starting in like first grade. I think English has become the lingua franca. No, German is definitely still the lingua franca. Well, you know, I've found... People, it's polite. Like there's this stereotype when you go to France that people are like, if they have to speak English to you, the exact opposite is true and true. It's considered polite if one person, English is their first language, that you all speak English. When I was performing there, I performed in English. It was the same thing as when I performed in the South, which is I slowed down a little bit. So everybody is following along at the same pace. And told anti-Semitic jokes. Same thing as the South. I actually have a friend in Germany who's an older German comic. And whenever we hang out, it's all Holocaust jokes. And at first it was upsetting and disturbing. Does he make them? He makes nothing but Holocaust jokes. That's interesting, because I asked my son about that. And he said he can make them, but they don't do it. Yeah, it's a little too... I think it's the brotherhood of comedians, David. It's also generational too. This generation is either super lefty and trying really hard to be progressive and accepting and whatever. And also there's another stripe that's very resentful of having been born into all this baggage. And the other thing is, so the older generation, like probably around your father's age, never talked about the war, never talked about the Holocaust. And then the generation after them were very much about being open about it. That was still when the wall was up. And so now you have the generation that's just like, just dealing with this fucking emotional baggage that's been handed down for the last seven years. My son said they love the Jews here. And I said, give it time. Well, it's because they don't know any. There actually has been sort of a Jewish re-population of at least East Berlin, which was a hugely Jewish city at the time. I mean, like a quarter of the residents at least, I think were Jewish during the Second World War, but that... They have rented you now in Germany. Sweet. Rent for what? Like if you need a movie produced or... If you need some banking advice. There's a service, boy, I bet they, sorry those camps are closed now because they knew where to find them then. There's actually rented you in Germany because a lot of... Is this a Lenny Bruce bit? No, it's real. In fact, I was telling my son to hire yourself out as a Jew because they bring Jews into somebody's home for a fee and they answer questions because a lot of Germans don't know what a Jew is. I consider them lucky, but they wanna learn. And for a small fee, a Jew will come in, show off their horns, talk very loud, lend money at exorbitant interest rates. And complain about bagels. You can't complain about how you can't get a good bag. There's something about the Rhine water that makes it... It's the Spray in Berlin, actually. They invite a Jew into their home and then the Jew evicts them. So what is the river in... It's called the Spray, S-P-R-E-E. So there's no Rhine? Where's the Rhine? The Rhine is in West Germany. And where's Elba? No, not the Elba, the... Elba was the star of the water. That's where Napoleon went. There's the Elba River too. I'm talking about Idris Elba, which is... Alex got that. Right, right, right. Alex Brazell, your producer, got that. Brian Collie of the comedy writer. Great comedy writer, great comedian. Head monologue writer for Conan. And... Has been with the show since the very beginning. Before Conan, he was writing on Conan. Yeah. He's BC. He's BC when it was just late night with Conan O'Brien. No, not before Conan O'Brien even... Wait, why are we talking about him all the time? Because his father was in D-Day. Okay. And fought in Vita, Germany. I feel like everybody says their parents were in D-Day. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like, oh, my grandpa liberated Auschwitz. Like, really? Did 55,000 soldiers really liberate Auschwitz? Because there was like 20 soldiers there. A lot of these guys are getting older. None of my family went. Yeah. A lot of these guys are getting older. And my father used to say, not only was he at D-Day, but he saw Joe Cocker sing. Dad, that's Woodstock. Everybody was at Woodstock. Right, everyone was at Woodstock and everybody was at D-Day. So my great-uncle was at Pearl Harbor when it was bombed. But his name's on the wall. Like, we can prove it. Very good. Yashamoto Hirasaki. So Colleen didn't like that. Colleen did not like that, Joe. I was trying to see if I could make a tag and then I was just like, I got nothing. So Brian- It was perfectly fine. Brian Kiley's father, D-Day, and liberated part. I don't think it's funny the way you're making fun of Stutterers right now. Just say day. Doris D-Day was one of my favorite singers. The movie she made with- You know, Double D-Day, when Playboy was founded. All right. So Brian Kiley's father. Well, does that mean the jugs was founded on G-Day? So let me start again. Okay, Joe Cocker. Oh, we're still on this. Brian Kiley's father. I'm already exhausted. Brian Kiley's father liberated Germany. Right. During World War II. Or WW2 for Stutterers. I have a feeling it's gonna be a long walk to the end of this career. Actually, the sad part is he sexually liberated Germany. So he was willing to go to some extremes. It was 1967. The Germans are very kinky. Very kinky people. Oh yeah, he was, you know, he was a lot, he was very wet. Very hot. So Brian Kiley. So about your dating life, David, that's- Yeah, speaking of which. Brian Kiley. Oh my God, Brian Kiley, Brian Kiley, Brian Kiley. Brian Kiley. The great Brian Kiley. Oh. The legendary writer. Brian Kiley's father. Do you have like a neurological disorder where you, like you can't sleep at night? Can't stop talking about Brian Kiley. Like you can't sleep at night, if you don't finish this story. Like in the middle of the night, you're gonna wake up Brian Kiley's father. Fuck. Alex, get in the studio. So Brian Kiley writes for Conan, and he's been on Letterman. I'm in physical pain. One of the best comedy writers in television and just a great comic. And his father liberated the Germans from during World War II. Right, by killing them. Liberated the Germans from World War II? Yes. By killing them. But he liberated them from breathing and having families and seeing their children again. That kind of thing, really great guy. He's part of the greatest generation. Right, of murderers, good. Battle of the Bulge. Yeah, well tell me about it. Act. Dude, after that election, I gained, I lost the Battle of the Bulge, we'll say that. Anyway, so after World War II, he got married. This is the father of Brian Kiley. Yeah, and then Brian was born. Wow, great story, man. Okay. Yeah, now I know how Brian was born. Can I call him and then tell him the news? Sounds like Brian Kiley's dad got his dick loose. Now David, David. You go ahead, what? See, the harder he laughs at those jokes, the less he thinks he has to answer. I know, I know. Well, no, I don't make sense of it. You and I, full court press, it's a deal. So Brian would forget. Anyway, I'm telling it. So does Brian know the story? Yes, it's a great story. Brian Kiley. Wow, that is a great story. His father got married and had a kid. Now what is the river called again so I can get the punch? The spray. No, but the other one, the Elb. The Elba? The Elba. And there's their line, but are you talking about? I'm trying to get to Brian Kiley's great story Is Brian here to tell? No, what the story is so I can't give you the accurate German river. Well, the punch. How about the Mosul? Is Brian coming in to tell the story? No, I'm just going to. Well then why are you telling the story? This is a great story. There's a river called Mosul in Germany. There's a river called Mosul. Yeah, MOSEL, it's where a lot of the, you know the Riesling wines? I know of them. Yeah, a lot of them are made along the Mosul River. But there's a Mosul in Iraq. No, that's M-O-S-U-L, this is M-O-S-E-L. Oh, did you know that Brian Kiley's father is a war hero? I know that I'm about to kill myself. Colleen's about to liberate this conversation. I'm better than you, I'm liberating myself from breathing. All right, so he sprayed all over the German. All right, let me just get this story. So, okay. He busted a none. Okay, busted a none. So Pearl Harbour happened December 7th. Pearl what? Harbour. Lord, I went to facking Pearl Harbour. Facking Bam, those jabs. Well, Brian's father was from Boston, as a matter of fact. I know, I know, there's been a hilarious Boston accent. So December 7th, 1941, a day that will live. In and for me. So, I think this conversation will end for me. I'm telling Brian's story. How much longer is it? How much longer is it? How soon until it's over? It's an interesting story. Okay, how long is it though? It's a very short. See, remember when that man harassed you about how long and boring your podcast was? And you told him you could have the fast forward mechanism? I'm gonna fast forward to the end before you tell the joke. You know, Colleen, I don't know about you. This is why I can't have a kid. Because the minute that kid came home from school and started telling a fucking 20 minute story about some bug he saw in the schoolyard after school, I'd be like, no, I'm going to teach you a little something about getting to the punch line. Yep. Yeah, or like when kids make up just like bullshit out of their imagination, they're like, and you know what? Because the tree wanted to stand by the fire hydrant and be an ant, and also, then Superman was there. I'm like, no. Oh, it's a good thing I love my nephew. I was like, you're losing me. If I did not love my nephew, I would never see him because I would be like, come back when you're 18 and have a formed personality. Yeah, you know what? Let's try to craft this narrative a little more sharply. So this is what Dave is doing with the story about Brian Kiley's father. He's got the ant, he's got the fire hydrant, he's got Superman. So Brian Kiley, right? He has a father, right? And his father got married and had kids, and he went to Germany and he liberated it. I'm just, it's a brief story. So how necessary was the detail? How allegedly brief it? Wait, I have to know. How necessary was the detail that he then got married and had Brian? Okay, so. It seems superfluous to me. Thank you. Does that bring us to the point? Long step. Is that part of the thing where Brian is like, just in case you didn't know, I was born. Liam, should you and I be teaching your essay writing to high schoolers? To David. All right, so long story short. Long story short. The Japanese. I give this essay an F. The Japanese. Minus. In fact, I'm gonna need to see your parents, David, because quite frankly. After class. When is parent teacher day? Because quite frankly, this story is bullshit. So the Japanese. And it's not even your story. David is an exceedingly bright young man. No, he's not. He has a wonderful creativity and often seeks unusual solutions to fairly straightforward problems. However, he has a tendency to monopolize class conversation. You know what my teacher said? My report card plays well with others. If by others, you mean penis. We wish he could stop. Hey, oh, ladies and gentlemen, so anyway. So the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. Those dirty yellow Jacks. Wait, how were they related to Brian Kiley? Because what happened after Pearl Harbor was. Yes, my uncle died in Pearl Harbor. Really? Yeah, his plaque is on the wall. Yeah, my great uncle Don, Nair. Did he, oh, I was, I got all excited because I thought he invented the Nair hair removal. No, but apparently my great grandfather had a neighbor named Mr. Gillette who offered to let him invest $500 in his new safety razor company. Oh, that story, I've heard that story a hundred times. Yeah, you know what? My family has a version of that too, where my great aunt Marge Donahue was friends with the Crocs in Florida and they were like, hey, we're gonna. We're building crock pots. We have this new thing called a croc pot. David, I'm telling a story. Yep, bup, bup, bup, bup. See, you would make a good mom. I would be a mean mom. I would be the dad. I'd be a mean mom that they would love daddy better. I would be the fun dad because I would be gone most of the time, but the time I was there I'd be like, hey, we're going to Disneyland, okay, now I'm gonna let your mom raise you. So they had an opportunity to invest in McDonald's. Yeah, he was like, I'm gonna make a hamburger restaurant that's like a drive-thru only you go inside. Or something like that. Oh, no, no, he was like, it's gonna be a hamburger restaurant, but you can drive through in your car and Marge Donahue was apparently like, Ray, that's a terrible idea. Who would want to eat a meal in their car, allegedly? Allegedly. Well, my mother used to date a guy named Ken Lay. Of Lay's potato chips? No, from Enron. And Ken. Oh, Ken Lay. Yeah, and Ken gave her, my mom is great. Wait, is this for real? This is true, my mom is great in bed. And Ken Lay. Ken was getting his dick wet. Ken Lay, sit back. Speaking of which, David, so are you, so. Hang on, Ken Lay, are you dating anybody? That Lay was so good, I'm gonna give you stock in Enron. And my mother sold it. And I'd hate to think if she had held on to that Enron stock, what it'd be worth today. I know. Wait, why the Lay Lay pond inside that Enron story chilling though it was. Because the guy who ran Enron was named Ken Lay. Yeah, but then you said that was such a great Lay. You made like a Lay. A Layne, yeah. Anyway, so back to Brian Kiley's story. Well, you know the thing is, when my great uncle died at Pearl Harbor, all the family members were offered $10,000 by the government, but only my uncle took them up on it. Really? He started a business with it and the rest of the family held it against him because they said it was blood money. Yeah, it was blood money. They didn't want to touch it. And that business was Xerox. Dude, if I was in talking terms with my uncle who ran Xerox, I would definitely not be here right now. I'd be on my mind. My grandfather died at Pearl Harbor. You know what his last words were? Glob glub. That's my Whitney Houston punchline. What were Whitney Houston's last words? Glob glub. Anyway, so the Nazis died at Pearl Harbor but there's a comedy club there now. It's a whole lot of them. So the Nazis, without America. Oh, the story's still going on. Oh my God. Hitler declared war on America after Pearl Harbor. Right. America wasn't gonna go fight Hitler until Hitler declared war. So Brian's father joined up to liberate the Germans from the Germans and was in the Battle of the Bulge. So 50 years later, Brian's father is vacationing in Florida and he meets a young German because Germans like to visit Florida. Why, to see lots of Jews like in the olden days? Germans don't like Florida. They like Texas. They go to Germany. No, for real. No, no, the Irish like Florida. No, the Germans like Florida because they don't know the Irish like Florida. They don't know what an old Jew looks like. Okay, better. That's probably not, I'm just letting this, you know, I'm letting this ride because I really would love to just get on with life. I really want to find out who David is dating. I need to find out more about his family. Brian's father goes to Florida. He meets a young German. He meets a young German. And the young German says to Brian's father, Brian's father, have you been to Germany? And Brian's father said, I only got as far as the Elb. That's pretty funny. I don't understand that joke at all. It was a joke about how far his infantry unit got during the World War II. Did you get that joke from humor and uniform from Peter's digest? Well, when Brian Kiley tells it, it's hysterical. Well, Brian's funny. I don't know, maybe I, maybe I, maybe I drag. I am experiencing such a profound sense of disillusionment and disappointment. You know, this reminds me. Maybe I dragged the story out. The best part of that joke was because he'd never, they'd never seen old Jews. Well, it was the journey. This reminds me. You know what? It was shortly, was not the journey. Wait a second, wait a second. This reminds me of my grandfather. Brian Kiley, hang on for one second. Fuck Brian Kiley. I'll give a shit about him. Fuck Brian Kiley. I like Brian Kiley a lot. Let's not go. Yeah, Brian Kiley. No, no, no, I like Brian Kiley. That fucking story sucked. Well, listen. David, when you told us. He ruined my show. Fuck Brian Kiley. When you told us the story. No, that's a shitty story. They reminded me of when my father, when my grandfather would tell stories, but after he had two strokes. The two stroke rule. So, David, when you go on a date, where do you take a lady? Do you go out to dinner? Bingo. Bingo? Dinner? Like what kind of restaurant? What level? How much money? Are we talking Asia to Cuba? I never would when you go to that restaurant. What's that? Oh, it's like a very overly designed, not very good restaurant that's sort of an Asian fusion mess in like, where is it? Like Murray Hill or some nonce? I would say unless it has an early bird special problem. Are we talking, we're not going boulet, that's two over the top. What is, what? What is like boulet, the, What's boulet? It's a restaurant in Tribeca. Or Balthazar. Balthazar is like a good all purpose. How do you know these things? Because we live in New York City. Because I've lived here for fucking, Yeah, I lived here for 40 years. I mean 29 years. Yeah, I lived here for 28 years. Yeah. Yeah, it's like you get to occasionally, Go outside and do things. You're like occasionally like, I'm going to spend money on my life. Yeah. And like do nice things that make me happy. Yeah. What does that mean? Like tonight, I'm going to see a play. Right. With my husband. And I'm prepared for us to get dirty looks when he starts ticking and other people in the audience get mad. And tonight I'm going to, with some friends to see fate of the furious. Very good. And then I'm doing a show at QED at 11 o'clock. Very good. Okay. So let me ask you something, David. Yes, sir. I think I made a mistake once. I met a woman I really liked. And I was like a little too fucking into impressing her. So I took her to a Broadway play. Cause I was like, well, you know, she's just moved here from somewhere else. And so we went to the TKTS booth. And this is a good third date, I realized. Hang on, that's something I wouldn't do. What, go to the TKTS booth? Yeah, I would have to know her for a while. Well, I made the mistake. So I was like, I was like, I'll tell you what. We'll go to the TKTS booth, we'll pick a play that's on sale and we'll just go. I went to see a musical, but it's like four hours of not talking to each other. It's like a really horrible way to get to know somebody. Right. But also four hours is like too long for a musical. Well, three hours, whatever. Four hours of not talking to each other. Well, three hours, whatever. Might as well get married. Well, here's the thing though. I feel like you should send your listeners a David Feldman joke-construction magnetic kit. Yep. Everything would end with divorce or marriage. Or marriage, sure. Everybody is in a writing room, right, Colleen? Everyone is not in a writing room, technically. No, but in a writing room, the rule is gay or fat. No, gay, I think, is out. Well, no, you are throwing shade, which is the gay show. So probably it was out at your show. I think it's out in general. Well, David's out in general. I think that's a stale thing. See, I called him gay, that's pretty funny. Because it's so shameful to be gay. Right, you see, because... Well, what were the room jokes at throwing shade? There were almost none. I mean, it was like a pretty, like... Professional operation? Yeah. How do you waste time? We didn't. But what kind of show is that? A normal show where there's not a lot of extroverts. It was delightful. Wait a second, nobody was like on an assembly line. Doing room bits? Blowing a guy? Nobody screamed at you about 9-11 for three hours? No, there were a lot of... I had that, me too. There were a lot of Kate Blanchett inside jokes, deep cuts. There were a lot of 70s cinema references. Yeah, that's the gay show. That's the thing, like you probably... It was gay men and women. There's a show at the height of the Cosby revelations. There was a show, and the boss would call a meeting, a two-hour meeting every day, to talk about Cosby and make Cosby jokes. Had nothing to do with the show. But everybody had to go in and imitate Bill Cosby. That sounds horrible. That sounds hilarious. It does sound kind of funny. It was like the official Cosby meeting. I'm just not into room bits. I... Wait, so he would... But what's the point of being a comedy writer if you're not into room bits? That's the whole point. Well, that's for comedy performers. But the show is irrelevant. Oh, you were a head writer. You're a head writer. You know the thing was... That doesn't mean anything, though. You know what, David? When she was in the room, there were... I hate wasting time. I'm fucking German. You're writing for television. You're writing for television. You're already wasting time. Yeah, but I like to waste time on my schedule. You know what, David? Here's the thing. So, David, I can see it now. When she was in the room, it was all work. Here's what I am, a disciplined writer who fucking gets shit done. That's not... That's what's the point. No, you know what? You got corners right now. The corners of your mouth are turning up. So, I know you're not even believing what you're saying right now. This is a pile of horseshit. You and I have both discussed off the air. Yes, I'm blowing up your spot about how there's Tomlars and typers. How there's extroverts in the room who do room bits and da-da-da-da. How Mel Brooks, on your show of shows, was a Tomler. And then how there's typers. And dyslexes. And dyslexes. Because everyone else was a typer, an introvert who, you know, turns ideas and thoughts and words around in their minds. Neal Simon. Like a Rubik's Cube. You're Neal Simons. But I told that to you in privacy. See? I told that to you as a... But I've told other people that. I confided. Other comedy writers who I trust in life. I confided in you. You never told me that. I told you two things not to tell anybody. But it never came up between us, though. I told you not to tell anybody about that person I murdered in Thailand. What was a hooker, so it's not really a person. Well, I did tell. Thank you for saying that, because I'm riven with guilt and that... Well, that dent you have from the ping-pong ball ricocheting. Technically, it was self-defense. That forehead dent. Your honor. That dent will never go away. So you've been punished enough. It clearly says, you know... See, but I guarantee you... Pink cock, ping-pong ball, manufacturing co-inc. That's on you. I guarantee you. That's literally on you. Colleen was head writer where when she was in the room, it was all business, everyone got to work, and as soon as she left, people were like, all right, now let's talk about what we watched last night. Can I tell you, the hosts were very disciplined. I mean, it was like fucking breakneck making those episodes. It was really, it was a really, really small staff. We were just fucking cranking shit out all the time. And like, we also didn't really know each other very well. I feel like you can do room bits once you have some familiarity or whatever. What's the best room bit you ever heard, David? The room bits, there was a guy named Jose Arroyo. We used to do room bits. Great writer. Yes, Conan Guy too. So, when everybody was doing porn titles, it was a period, right, this was before Colleen was born, but everybody. Well, it was definitely not, I assure you. So I said enough with the porn titles and then I would shout. You did not say that. You did. And then you would shout out your own porn titles. No, then I would say, I would give, I would say, okay, I want the titles of movies about dead babies. And Jose Arroyo said, dumb and dumpster. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. See, they look at Colleen's. Not dump and dumpster. That's dumb and dumpster. And that was the game we used to play on the show that I worked on. We would come up, I would usually be the one who would call out the, instead of a porn title, you had to come up with movie titles based on holocaust themes and that kind of stuff. Look in Colleen's face, it's just like that would not fly in my writing room. I'm just like, my thing is, do you want to write? Like, why is everything a competition? Like, let's just fucking get things done. That's how efficient she is. She won't even say, on. No, I'll save a syllable. I don't give a fuck. In fact, the leader of Coria just took that syllable. On. That was a long walk down to that pier. That sputtered worse than the last missile he fired. Awful. Just move. I feel like this show just took a turn. God bless this effort, but here's the thing. You want to assume that I'm not fun in a room. I love you, I'm begging you to come here every day. No, you're not. Yes, I am. You haven't famous people, you can do a lot better than me, bro. No, I can't. In fact, when I- Dude, you had Mr. Methane, all right? Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane, I apologize. The farter. Yes. Did he fart in here? It was on the phone. Oh, did he fart into the phone? He phoned it in. No, I'm serious. Did he fart into the phone? No, I wouldn't allow that. I actually interviewed him as though he were a musician and we talked about the instrument and how he preps. And I found out, don't do that. There wasn't one of those. There wasn't. Stop, please, don't. And it turns out, is that a cleat? No, it was a fart. But it was like one of those, I just had some red cabbage type farts. But like I also ate other foods, so it's like kind of stuck in there. All right, so- It's just, it's like a little release of air. And it's about to get wet, like. And I found out, I found out that Mr. Methane. Was related to Brian Kiley? Oh, no! And his father liberated Mr. Methane from Auschwitz. He was gassing the Jews, Mr. Methane. So, a lot of people don't know this. Mr. Methane misrepresents himself. It turns out, this is, if you listen to my interview, Brian- Is it gonna happen? No, I think I skipped that one. It turns out, he breathes through his down under. You mean his bunghole? His bunghole, that's impossible. I can understand where you could have muscle control, where you could like open it up. Right, but he inhales through his diaphragm. That's unlikely. I'm telling you the truth. And he said, he discovered from his sister, he was doing yoga with his sister, he realized he could breathe in. By creating a vacuum of sorts. Yes, but he doesn't like breathe. No, but he can- It's not going all the way up to his lungs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. He's quote unquote breathing, yeah. Right, he's breathing in- I know how anatomy works. And so technically, it's not methane, it would be nitrogen and oxygen. Right, it would just be air. It would be air, so he misrepresents himself. It's not methane. Although aren't there not technically trace elements of methane in all the air we breathe? Especially when I'm in a room. Don't I know it, brother? Now let me ask you a question. Yes. I don't think we need this national inquirer gimmick. I was gonna read you some of my notes. I've never been on your show when one of these bits worked. But go ahead. What bit? What bit he says- I don't know. He's flipping through a national inquirer so he can bait us with nonsensical bullshit. I was- Let's talk about like, chefing and restauranting and shit. Like we were talking about before, because that was fun. Okay, we had Jeremiah Tower on the show. Yes. Mm-hmm. You guys know food, I don't know food. Your dad was a chef? Yes. Is a chef. Well he's retired now, but yeah. He was a culinary instructor my whole life. From Germany. Yeah. So he really knew his way around the ovens. Ovens. Thank you. They're showing a pizza and a Jew, right? Pizza doesn't scream when you put in the oven. You do? It does. I made Jackie the joke man very angry Pizza does scream if you put in an oven if the topping is a live baby. So that joke is not only anti-Semitic, it's fashion. It's also broke in its construction, in its desperation to top Mr. McEnany. That joke David was dumb and dumpster. Yeah, that one needs to go into the toilet at prom. That one. So go ahead. That's not a Jersey dumpster. So you grew up around food? I did. I grew up around chefs. One of my favorite things was when we would have a day off of school if it was, you know, one of those featured- Do they have snow days in Minnesota? Oh yeah. I thought they would have no snow days in Minnesota where they canceled school because there was no snow. Yee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Good. But yeah, I would go with my dad to his work sometimes and I still have like really warm and fuzzy memories of like giant industrial Hobart mixer and like when they would do butchery days, when they would butcher a side of beef. I mean the way David butchered. The way David butchered Brian Kiley's story. Yeah, and right, and the Brian Kiley story. I used every part of that joke and that story. Yes. But it's more, the effect was more like scrapple, not like high-end, oval repurposing at some hip Brooklyn blot. Now when you're poor and you eat supermarket brand hot dogs, that was David using every part of Brian Kiley's story. Right. Hey, fuck Brian Kiley man, that story sucks. That guy has Emmys and fucking writers. Now hang on for one second. Brian Kiley is one of the most respected comedy writers in the business. Emmys, Writers Guild Awards, he's been on Letterman. He's my parents' favorite comedian. We get it. His fucking story sucked. He killed the show. Fuck Brian Kiley. Do you have as much reach as like Rwandan Radio did in the 90s? They, well, yes. Asking for a friend. Yes, in that, when people hear this show, they turn violently murderous. They cut their own heads off. With a machete. I regret to inform you that I will be killed and will kill my own family tomorrow. So go ahead. That was a deep cut Philip Gravich joke in case anybody was curious. I didn't get it. You know what, I'll cop to the fact I didn't understand that. But you know what? That was a deep cut in Rwandan. Colleen? Colleen, I trusted you. Thank you. I appreciate that. That was funny. It was. So go ahead. Your father used to butcher. I'm like David, I think you're actually a lot of fun in a room. Thank you. I know David doesn't really like things. David thinks that I'm a stern taskmaster. Yeah, like, no I don't. Well then, can a bitch tell a story? Can a bitch get a sip of coffee before she gets kicked in the badge? Every time she opens her goddamn mouth. Her problem with Colleen in the writer's room is every time she leaves and closes the door people start looking for spigots right after the door. So your father used to take. They're all Jews in the room. Your father used to take, on butcher day he would cut up tutsis or hutus. Now this is getting too mixed up. Okay, so now this is just like a, you know what it's like a dish with too many flavors and everything's getting muddled. Okay, so there would be a snow day so your father would take you to work and he taught cooking. He was at the Culinary Institute in Minnesota. It was called St. Paul Technical Vocational School but it was one of the only like programs in the Twin Cities where you could learn how to become a professional chef. Right. But he cut his teeth as a chef and a lot of like, luxury. Not bubba, this joke is not worth it. I can tell already. I can tell already. She said cut his teeth as a chef. And you're literally just taking up space with like annoying high-pitched noises. You know what it is? David's afraid people will forget this is his podcast. Yeah. Which I don't know why. They'll be like, I wish they would. They'll be like, wow, this Colleen podcast turned very interesting. Oh, it's David. Okay. All right, so your father cut his teeth as a chef. Right. In like, fancy. After he pulled the teeth of the Jews in terms of. Right, exactly. And you'll notice I didn't make a joke about cutting the teeth. Well, just so. Oh, I applaud your restraint, David. Let's just say he has a collection of teeth. Can a bitch finish a story? I'll ask once again. He has a jar full of gold teeth. That's all we're gonna say. All right, so your father was teaching and he would take, it was take, take. Don't even try to catch up because your mind is warring. Just looking for any word to come up with the next. No, go ahead. It's not like a whirling dervish. I was thinking of a blender. No. Okay, Alex, can we cut David's mic? You look so smug right now. It's disgusting. What? I wanna hear this. There's you. Hmm. Okay, so father, daughter. He grew up in Germany and then he left home when he was 14, like you do if you are on the. Did he meet Brian Kiley's father on the way out? No, I think only Russian soldiers ever went through their village and tried to rape my Oma. That's a true story. So when he left, he went to Germany and Austria and Switzerland and worked in fancy hotels and restaurants in Switzerland and then he worked on ships that were bringing people from Europe to America. He went on a, he worked in one that went from like London to Greece to Morocco to New York. He worked on that one. Crew ships. Basically, yeah. Okay. And then he worked for the Sheraton Ritz Hotel chain in London. Wow. He opened one in Kingston, Jamaica. Wow. Back when that meant something, by the way. Yeah, in the early 60s. No coward. Well, he was Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire's private chef when they worked on a movie down there. Wow. And then he worked in the Sheraton Ritz in New York on 33rd and Park, which is there no longer. But then they asked him to open up a kitchen in Minneapolis and he thought, oh, how interesting to be in a Navy town. He thought it was Annapolis. And then he got there and he's like, oh, no. But then he met my mom, who was a beautiful young woman, who dropped off a packet of papers at his office because she was working in catering and events planning. And they fell in love. And they got married in 68. And then two years later, I was born. And then he decided to not be a hotel restaurant chef anymore, he decided to teach so he would have better hours. I see. Okay. Walleye. Why? Walleye. Walleye is a wonderful lake fish. Very delicate, white and flaky. It's kind of like maybe a halibut? Like a freshwater halibut is what I would say. Whenever I play acme comedy. Oh yeah, that's a delightful club. They serve me walleye. When I used to eat fish. Do you not anymore? I don't eat fish. Are you vegan now or something? Well, I don't eat fish. So okay, so your father took you to school one day. Wait a second, are you allergic to fish? I don't wanna talk about my dating life. Well, now that you mention it though. Yeah. Now that you mention it. Are you getting your dick cut? Well the real question is, are you getting your face wet? Yes, you know, fair point. I appreciate the specificity of that. I don't think David gives like that. Which is too bad for you. Why would, wait a second. Why would I want a woman to throw cold water in my face? Wait, what? No, no, I'm talking about orally pleasing a woman with your mouth. What do you mean? Yeah, that was a confusing construction. What do you mean telling her a joke? See, I knew you would be uncomfortable. I've never known David Feldman to be so coy. He's like gathering his leg toward himself, his crossed leg toward himself, as though to guard his body from our onslaught of nosy questions. Well, I mean, do you think there might be a possibility that the woman I have tied up in my basement might listen to the show? No, absolutely not. I do not want to offend her. That's a joke answer. But if she listened to this podcast, is she really gonna be the kind of person who's offended by things? I'm gonna say no. Yeah, considering that we just made. Ha, ha, I just destroyed you. Maybe I'm not attracted to women who find me funny. We just went through 30. That is between you and your analyst. Maybe, maybe I don't like it. But that has nothing to do with our questions, which you should answer honestly. Maybe in moments of indis, Wow, this is very interesting. Oh, this is very telling. This is so Freudian jackpot right now. What? What? Because you're stumbling on the word intimacy like a rodeo clown in a mud pit. Dude, you're stumbling on the word intimacy like a character in a sitcom that is afraid of intimacy. No, I'm not. No, no, no. Like an 80s sitcom, be like, that might be a little too broad. Let's bring that down a little bit. Maybe I'm not. Okay, then why would she be listening to your podcast? Yeah, seriously. Why would you be dating someone who's listening to your podcast and you don't like somebody who thinks you're funny? Well, to be honest, he hasn't been funny yet. Fair, fair. She might think it's an NPR type chat show. Right, like a fresh air. Yeah, like. Except this is like stale air. Terry extremely, Terry extremely gross. Musty air, right. Majorly gross. Majorly, but I. I'm majorly gross. But I. What do you say, go. So you're saying you don't do that. Do what? You don't go down on a woman. I would not. I will not discuss. What does it really go down? I mean, make fun of them? No, perform oral sex upon. Wait a second. When has go down ever meant make fun? Perform oral sex on a woman. They don't have penises. I don't understand what you. Wow. This coy whole persona just is so ill-fitting. What? Fred Astaire didn't tap dance this fast. It's like David Burns' suit in Stop Making Sense. R.I.P. Jonathan Demi, a great artist. Oh my God, that was very sad. Yeah. So that's a no. What's the question? Does David Feldman go down on women? The answer we're left with is no. Yeah, I mean, that's the only answer I have is a no. We have no affirmative. I can't answer that question. Yes, you can. Technically, you can. Technically, you are capable of answering this question. You know what we're talking about. Don't pretend you don't know what go down on it. You know, if I brought it up in a hilarious choking context. Are you accusing me of being a black man? Is that what you're? I'm accusing you of being coy. You're saying. Which is the corniest thing ever. And putting a wall between yourself and your feelings. And the interviewers. Yeah, this is like, what do you think? Like you're asking her about her family history. We're asking her to like open up to you. But you refuse to do like return the family. Where is the quid pro quo? Yeah, exactly. Where's the quo? That's exactly right. Where's the quid? I don't see no prone either. Oh my. Oh my. Oh, shit. And, and, hot 97, y'all. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. So, wait a minute. But you're, so you're back in New York. You're, you're going. I miss this. Yeah, well, you're gonna, you're gonna come here every Saturday. Oh God. Oh my God, I just snotted out of my nose. I got nose juice on me. It's really cold in here. You're gonna be here every Saturday, right? No. Yes. No. A bitch needs to find some work. I gotta get a job, David. I do. I need a goddamn job. I do want to call in for the Fred Stoller interview. Okay, but you said I look smug. You did before, now you look worried. But what, what do you mean I look smug? I don't even remember what that was about. Do I have a smug look? Right now, no. But what is it? Or you did. You know what, now, now you look like a little bit upset. Now you look upset and concerned. Like we got really close to something true about you and now you're just like frantically. Well, I don't think it's, the rule that I have. You're hamster wheeling. You are, you really are. Don't talk about my intestines. You're backpedaling like the Polish 500. Hang on, let me explain the joke. No, well please, that'll make it funnier. You said you're here. So Brian Tyler's father. No, I was kidding. I don't want you to explain that on camera. Hamster wheeling and I said my intestines because there's a gerbil up there. So and I, and because I love animals, I put a wheel in my intestines. But it only got as close as the elbow. You're just desperate. Your mind is overactive and you're desperate. So you're just like firing, sparking, sputtering. You know what it is? He's looking for anything that will turn the conversation away from the facts. He refuses to go down on women. Yeah, that was weird. That's like a, why would you say that about me? That's a weird- Because that's what we're assuming because you're playing coy with us and not answering the question. You're being evasive. Coy. Sketchy. You mean like the fish? No bitch. That's a poi. See oh why. What's a poi pond? Poi. That's a poi pond. You're being evasive and sketchy. Don't, you can't poi pond your way out of this. Well, because I don't think. The thing David is like, like it's shown that it's easier for women to orgasm if men go down on them. If a man goes down on her. Yes. First and then penetrates her. But what does a woman have what? What? Huh? Women orgasm? You are doing such a bad job of defucking right now. This is fucking terrible. It's charmingly pathetic. We're gonna get you, we're just gonna keep on doing this. You're giving more answers by refusing. You're refusing to answer. I have a rule that, I never talk about my kids or my ex-wives. What? You talk about your divorce all the time. But I don't go into specifics. Nobody's talking about going down on your kids. Or are we? It's an invade. Don't cut that out, Alex. I got into trouble for praising one of my kids on somebody's show. I got yelled at for talking about how. Yelled at by whom? By one of my kids for talking about how. Who cares if your kids yell at you? They're supposed to yell at you. It gets tiring after a while. Dude, just tell them. Why don't you tell them to shut the fuck up and have some respect for their father? Yeah, tell them you're not gonna pay their rent anymore. They'll get in line. Yeah, they'll fucking. Yeah, they'll fucking get in line. Tell the line. Yeah, that's right. I was never allowed to be a disciplinarian. Allowed to be a disciplinarian? Yeah. No wonder your kids are so fucked up. Your kids aren't exactly the seven little foys where you're thrusting them on the vaudeville stage. I'm glad you guys get that, by the way. I have no idea what it means, but I like the sound of it. Bob Hope, the seven little foys. That was a true story. Yeah. It was based on Eddie Foy. I just read his autobiography. I'm gonna plug a couple of books before I'm out of here. All right. One is called Clowning Through Life, the autobiography of Eddie Foy, a vaudeville and Broadway star. Was that the son or the father? The father. Or the Holy Ghost? The father, when he was a kid, he survived the Great Chicago Fire. And then his mother was like the nurse made for Mary Todd Lincoln. And he lived in Dodge City for six months and was friends with Wyatt Earp. It's an amazing book. How much of it is actually true? I would actually, by the way, Wyatt Earp is what Mr. Methane calls his analarynx. Every time there was something in this book where I was like, that can't be true, he would then reproduce a letter from an eminent physician, or like there was a whole thing about how he was in a theater fire, basically the theater fire in Chicago that created all our fire codes in this country. Oh, because of all the gaslight. Yeah, because everyone just died. Like just 1,000 people died because so many exits were chained. And, but he was stood on stage and sang to calm people down as they exited so they wouldn't stampede each other. Jesus Christ. But it's a, and anyway, that was a great book. And the other one is Jason Zinniman's Letterman book. Oh, yeah. Which we were talking about earlier. Such a, What's the guy's last name? Zinniman. Z-I-N-O-M-A-N. I'm surprised you haven't had him on your podcast. He writes about comedy for the times. We'll get him. I'm just doing a little too much comedy on this show. He's doing like all the bigger podcasts. Well, what do you normally do? Well, we've been avoiding politics. I have a little Trump fatigue. Me too. Although I will say that Trump's show is fucking funny. That president's show? I haven't seen it yet. God, it's good. Mananook? I don't know how to pronounce his last name, but his characterization of Trump is just incredible. I'm hardly saying anything that is new or original here. It's so good that he got his own show. And does he just play Trump throughout the whole thing? It's on Comedy Central, right? Yeah, the first. Yes, to no one's seen it, but. The first act is like at the desk. He does a desk segment. So it's like, that's my bush. What, wait, what was that? It was a talk show. Yeah. It's like as though Trump has his own late night talk show. So act one is at the desk. Act two is a pre-tape. And then act three was an interview with Keith Olberman. And then there's a little act four outro. Did Olberman play it straight? Or did he try to be funny? He tried to, but he tried to be funny too. He was trying to do it both ways. Yeah. It's like that Brian Kiley story we heard earlier. Yeah. Well, I have a list here from Dick Morris. You know, remember Dick Morris? Wasn't he a speech, no. For Clinton. The presidential advisor? Yeah, he was, well, he was. And then he sold them out and he wrote like a whole book about how evil the Clintons are. Didn't he have hookers or something? Like he had some scandal. Wait, am I thinking of Marv Albert? No, no, you're right. You're right. Dick Morris, he would lick a hooker's feet. That's what he liked to do. And you know what, God bless. Yeah, whatever brings her pleasure, right, David? Right, like when you go down on a woman, it makes her more likely to orgasm. I mean, he doesn't, but if you did. What, are you saying that there's something on a woman's toe that makes her go off? Well, there are many nerve endings in the toes and feet, so possibly. Have you ever had your feet suck, David? I had a girlfriend that liked to do that. It actually feels good. Yeah, as if I, only in my case, it was a boyfriend. Sucking your toes. Yeah. I mean, she didn't love to do it, but she started. But you know what, that's an early in the relationship thing. That doesn't continue unless you're like a true foot fetishist, one would assume. Yeah, but she basically started doing it one night and I was like, oh my God, that feels great. Well, Liam, a lot of Liam's girlfriends suck his toes because he kicks them in the mouth. Wow, that got real dark. I don't even get that. Oh, I see, because I abuse them physically. Yeah. You don't like that coin? I just wasn't expecting it to take that turn. I thought it was going to be like a collegial, sort of jovial, fun lift out, and instead it was just sort of a brutal, it was like a Westworld flavored gag. Is that what happens in Westworld? It's super violent. Do they abuse fake prostitutes? Oh yeah, they're always getting like beat up and raped like all the time. Jesus. Liam's interesting is, is that a comedy or is it? No, no, it's a very self serious drama. And there are guys who want to beat up robots. That's not the same thing as beating up a real woman. Well. You know the interesting thing is so, David dates a woman who doesn't want him to talk about oral sex, but does want him to talk about kicking women in the teeth. Interesting. Yeah. Well, because it's not true. What's not true? That you don't go down on women? That's not true. No, I will not. I've never kicked a woman in the mouth. So I can joke about it. Allegedly. I can joke about things that aren't true. You know, if he pays for it. Do not go down on women. And do you think, you know if he pays for it, technically they're not people in his eyes. So you can kick him in the mouth. Right, like that, that Thailand hooker who hit him in the forehead with the pink toy. That he murdered in self defense. Yeah. My father said to me, if you can't get it up, you go down on them. That's not true. I'm kidding. Let me read you. Are you though? What? They had a ring of truth to it. I was making it. I'm a very generous lover. In that you pay them in 20s. I mean, what an elegant, simple construction. I was gonna go, I tip 50%, but that's. Well that's because you're Jewish, so you only have 50% of the tip left. Dick Morris, who was a friend of Brian Kiley's, and by the way, fuck Brian Kiley for that story. Right? That's the last time I steal a Brian Kiley. Watch. Stop planning for this podcast and just let it flow, because when you let it flow, this is a great show. But when you do bits and things that you thought of. All right, I had something. All right, how much time do we have, Alex? Half hour. We have what? Oh, we still have more time? I'm having fun. So here's the job. Me too, I just fogged out for a second because I'm tired. This is hard work. Here's the bit that David wanted to do. I don't have a bit. This is a list of the National Inquirer, and there's gonna be like, oh, this is such a great list, and let me read you some stuff, Colleen, and then you're gonna be like, no, this is a National Inquirer. So from jobs to trades. Here's the thing I'll say about the National Inquirer. It's true. A stopped clock is right twice a day. No, don't give it away. Like, let me do his bit. No, no, no, no. No, I'm deconstructing your bit, which is a lot funnier. I don't wanna be deconstructing it. No. Wait, let me just see that for a second. So I was gonna be like, yuck, the National Inquirer. I give the National Inquirer props. They broke the Gary Hart story. And the Pizza Gate story. And the Pizza Gate story. They broke, Pizza Gate wasn't true, though. Oh, it wasn't? Allegedly. Well, then I better stop posting about it on Reddit. So it's like, Dick Morris wrote a column called From Jobs to Trade, Trump's Getting It Done. And then it's like. Where was the column? In the National Inquirer. Oh, it was for the Inquirer. It was for the Inquirer. For Trump, and they're for Trump. Yes, they've been for Trump since the beginning. So. Because they're mobbed up. Are they? Mm-hmm. All by the mafia? Mm-hmm. Here's the, okay, wait, can we sidebar for one second? Sure, of course. What is going on with the mafia right now? Like, is that the only thing that it's got left? No, it's got the waterfront still. Yeah. I mean, the waterfronts aren't as profitable as they used to be, but you know, there's still jobs to be had. Okay. You wanna know what happened? I feel like the sanitation thing is not really a thing. You wanna know what happened on the mafia? I wanna see Liam's take, and then I'm gonna ask you. Okay. Basically, like, they've been marginalized because the federal government, really, in the 90s especially, I mean, I'm just talking about, like, the Gotties and all the people in New York that I grew up. Right, the Gambino's, the Genoveses. Right, the ones I grew up reading about in the paper. The Lucases, right. Like, the Daily News was mobbed up for a long time. Interesting. In fact, John Gotties' widow had a five-part column about how great he was. I just, like, straight up, like, this is why John Gottie was the greatest human being on earth. I figured that it was just because, like, technology basically eclipsed the smartness of mafia people. Like, mafia people thought that they could keep on doing their own way of doing things, but then it was like, oh, guess what, bitch, we've been surveilling you for, like, ever. Well, no, I mean, they wanna know the truth. Would you like to know the truth? So they had people in the FBI, so they learned about, you know, surveillance technology and what they could talk on and what they could safely do. But you know, like, so basically, there was a lot of heat on them, and then these federal task forces broke them up and there was a lot of, like, prosecution. Right, they got them on a ego. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff like that. Would you like to know the truth? Oh. Yeah, sure, let's do it. Everything Liam said is what they want us to believe. And what do you believe? Well, Gottie was disliked because everybody knew his business. If you're in the mafia. Because he was too much of a showboat? Yeah, if you're in the mafia, mm, you are not supposed to talk about it. Omerta. So, which is the code of silence. Right, and in Albanian mafia, it's called the Besa. The Besa, I like that better. If you wanna know what happened to the mafia. And the Jewish mafia is called the Philkis. They're sitting in the situation room at the White House. That's what happened to the mafia, Donald Trump. Actually, Trump. You cannot pour cement. Okay, now we're getting in a crazy town. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Trump is mobbed up, but I don't think they're in the situation. Roy Cohn? Roy Cohn is dead, dude. No, no, Trump has been photographed with known mafia figures through this. Oh, no, I know, like construction, there, you can't do construction in New York without the mob, obviously. But that's like low-level mafia. And of course, Atlantic City owning Vataj Mahal. He was the only one in Atlantic City who wasn't working with Nikki Scarfo. So tell me, how does dropping a bomb on ISIS benefit the mafia? Yeah. How does building a wall benefit the mafia? But you know what, I feel like we're just like stating the hook. What's it called? Mother of all bombs. Mother of all bombs. You know about Italian men and mothers. So what is this list that you, this, I'm sorry, I can start in your bit. Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I apologize. I want to talk about the mafia. The fact is that the mafia, it's not what, it's evolution, excuse me for one second, okay? Are we gonna get to Bush and Gore and like the fucking war in Iraq because I will kill myself and my mentee. When the Italians, So Brian Kiley's father, when the Italians came to America, they had a, They had a spicy meatball. They had to work with the Jews because, That's a nice adona. They needed the Jews to do the math. They needed Meyer Lansky to do the math. That's not true at all. Yes, so. Otherwise there would be Chinese people in the mob. Well, there are. And what happens is. Well, just a different mafia though. The tongs. The Italian mafia through evolution and it's even spoken about in Godfather 3. I'm so glad you're here, Colleen, because sometimes I'm on the show with another guest that just lets her slide. Where did Michael go to college? You know what, I don't want to fight this alone. Where did Michael Corleone go to college? I don't know, because you know what? I don't fucking care about the Godfather bullshit. He went to, He also, that was a fictional character. No, the point Pooza was making is that they. Is that he wasn't smart enough to get into Princeton, Yale or Harvard? Harvard, Harvard, Harvard, Harvard. Morning with Colleen and David. Look at my smug, does this smug look? No, it just looks like you're adjusting your beanie in an uncomfortable way. Do I look smug? Why are you wearing a beanie? I've been in the woods for a couple of days. But it's like literally 82 degrees outside right now. I am going to get back to grooming tomorrow. All right, is something going on with your hair transplants? No, I just, I'm not groomed. I'm going bold. I'm just fucking letting it go. Look at me, I got like two inches of gray roots here. Look at this. Gray roots. Not good. That was the sequel to... It's all the characters from Roots, but they're all like 80 to 100 years old. No, they're all aliens. What's my name? Kante Kente. No, I can't remember. What's my name? Because he's got Alzheimer's. Right. So this list, gray roots. So Dick Moore has put a list together. No, the mafia. What happens is the mafia children get smart. They get educated. Right, your hunter sopranos, your medical sopranos. All your fictional characters. And then they go off to college, but they're still criminals. But now they're working in the Justice Department or they're working in the FBI and they're working in corporate America. Actually, there are thugs and they do the same thing their fathers did. They do, they're thugs, they're corporate thugs. And you know what? Corporate thugs are much more dangerous than Lucky Luciano. Lucky Luciano, they only killed their own. But here's another question. Corporate thugs kill all of us. You know what? Okay, okay. No, no, I gotta, you know, Colleen, I gotta say this time it took 75 minutes for David to get to corporate America and the conspiracy. And I applaud you for your restraint. I'll say that. I applaud you for your restraint. About cutting his teeth. If only St. Bernie had cut his teeth. That was restraint. For me not to do a joke about your father cutting his teeth. Oh, we're getting real now. We're getting real now. Do you know how much respect I have for you to hold back? You actually did make a joke though. No, I said that there's an area for a joke. But out of respect. Yeah, but that's a passive aggressive way to like make a joke. Also, you can't think of a good joke, but you claim that so that you can come back later. You like put like a post-it on it to come back to later, which is now. You put a pin in that map so that you could be like, okay, that's my territory. I'm not. That's my territory. That's a surprise. I sell the jukeboxes to the boss. I break a date tomes. I had a cutting a fart joke, by the way, off the cutting of the teeth. If you people at home, I had a cut. Oh, so you're an eight-year-old skillet. I had people cutting the cheese. I had a cutting the cheese. You could see the look of pain on Colleen's face. No, no, I had a cutting the cheese joke and a cutting a fart joke when you said your father cut his teeth at the... Do you still miss me, David? Why are you bragging about this? You think I'm gonna respect you? I showed you restraint. I didn't do a cutting cheese. He cut his teeth. All right, but now you're playing it both ways by saying the joke and trying to get credit for not saying it. I want credit for not doing a cutting a cheese joke when we're doing a joke about cutting. This is some just-a-tip bullshit. Three billion dollars in fines for illegal imports. Don't do my bit. What a childish man you are yanking the inquirer out of Liam McEnany's hands. Of course I go down on women. Ah, we got him, we got him. Yay, high five, high five. All right, high five for you too. Yay, that was a really weak one. You gotta redo it. No, no, you gotta look at the hand. There you go. Okay, now we just did solid high five. All right, there we go. All right, now I feel complete this. All right. What do you- Wait, are we done now? What do you- Why is there silence? What do you think I am? I don't know what you are. What do we- You know, I was sitting here when Robert Smigel was on the show. Yeah. And he was sitting where you are, Colleen. And David had a whole bit planned for that. And then Robert, while eating all locks on a bagel, sat there and just kind of quietly deconstructed what was the bit like you were gonna act like you didn't know who he was or something like that? And then he just kind of deconstructed what was supposed to be funny about that. It was very funny. It was very funny. Yeah, but that seems to be the deconstruction chair. You're in the deconstruction chair. Yeah, you're in like the comic genius with no patience. It's like the cat bird seat of comedy. The bit was that Robert Smigel came in, it was a year ago, and I brought in all these young comedy writers. And I set this up where I said, and made for a great show because they were all afraid to talk to Robert Smigel. Oh, I'm sure they were feeling completely like constricted and like fearful of fucking up. The bit, it's like I was the only one who felt comfortable talking to him because I'd met him before. The bit was that I was putting myself on the same level as Robert. So I was saying we were talking to young comedy writers. I'm sure they have a lot of questions for me and Robert. You know, I have this podcast, so I'll answer your question right. What you were doing was like a weird inside baseball thing where like they can't really tell the difference because they're like too respected in comics. I told them, there were five comedy writers here. And before the bit started, before Robert walked into the room, I said just ask Robert questions, obviously. And I'll keep saying, does anybody have any questions for me? Oh, okay. Right, and then right before the show, David panicked and told Robert everything. No, because they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't do the bit. So Robert's sitting there like, yeah, so what we're doing right now is, so they're asking questions, and I'm acting like I don't. Are we suddenly doing like a New York magazine recap of this very podcast? While on the podcast, this is so meta in a hard way. Welcome to Talking Feldman, the after show of the podcast. How is this not hosted by Chris Hardwick? We should do an after show. Mm-hmm. This feels like, this was an after show. This was like Colleen is back and Liam's back. Before we wrap it up. Do you still miss me or? Of course, this was the most fun I've had. I don't believe that. You don't think I had a good time? No, I believe you had a good time, but I feel like you've had a really good time lately with lots of delightful guests. I think this is the most fun it's had. Not a competition. Most fun it's had since the last time you spent 90 seconds going down on a woman demanding a blow job. It's like, oh God, I hope that was good for you. Let's do this. Is this gonna happen now? Let's do this thing. Dude, my friend was just telling me that his friend hung out with Marky Mark in the funky bunch back in the day. She's an attractive young woman. They went to some room where there was a mattress and she was sitting next to Marky Mark. Some room with a mattress. It sounded awful. Oh God bless. And so Marky Mark turned to her and said, so this is gonna happen now? And then she went down on him. Wow, interesting. And she told you that. On the mattress? She told my friend that, yeah, on the mattress. Wow. And why would a woman do that? Because he was a ripped, first of all, he was a Calvin Klein model, so he was a very attractive man. I suppose it's a decent cocktail party anecdote for later on. I'll say cocktail. I don't get it. That's not what I heard. Yeah, girl. Waffle. Why would a woman do that? You tell me, David. I know why a guy would go down on Marky Mark, that I understand. You have to ask Colin why a lady would do that. What did I say? I, sir, I'm no lady. You know what, this is boring. I don't wanna speak for all women. All right. Can you give me a favor and just check this list in the National Player for a minute? All right, before we go. No, because he's gonna snatch it out of my hands like a vulture. Snatch, speaking of sn- Speaking of snatch, David Feldman, and his dating life. Is that a haircut in your car? Yeah, that's a pub in his throat. Like, oh God, how long? My jaw is so tired. It's been 15 seconds, David. You're only at my navel. Oh, my knees are numb. Oh, David, it's been like. It's all that gardening you were doing before. We're just reading. We're sitting in chairs reading. David looks up after 90 seconds. She's on the phone with her friend. I put a New York Times crossword puzzle on her navel. And. I do it, but no, again, I'm just laughing at the look on Colleen's face. I know, the funny, that's the sad thing about this show is nobody can see Colleen. Just how pissed, the dismay. We should do a game show where I've finished the motherfucking crossword today in 21, 21. You are so smart. No. Saturday, do you time yourself? Yeah, I time myself every Saturday. That's crazy. That's not my record though. What's your record? My record, which admittedly is an outlier, is nine minutes and 36 seconds. I'll say it's a liar. You're so smart. But that was a mega easy one. Even Rex Parker, who does the Rexword blog about the New York Times crossword puzzle, said it was an easy. What's the record? All time record? I think some of the super champion people can do it in under a minute. What? Yeah. You're so smart. But they do it online. They type it. Yeah, no, you got it. Oh, you do it in pen, no pencil. When you're a smart, I'm gonna ask you a question because all kidding aside, because I asked Jeremiah Tower this question. You can spot somebody who has taste. He says he knows who has taste and who doesn't. Thank you. And you're really bright. Do you know who's smart and who isn't? Can you say? No. But you know that you're smart. I think I'm reasonably smart. I wish I had had a better education than I did and I had a pretty good one, but I wish I had had. You're so smart. So how many books do you read a week? Not sometimes, none. Sometimes. Are you able to read even when you're angry, pissed off or depressed? No, no. If I am emotionally preoccupied, I have a really hard time doing anything. Do you veg in front of the TV? No, I actively watch TV. And do you watch shit or only good stuff? The only kind of actively garbage show I like is those competitions like American Ninja Warrior and things like that, or wipe out. Do you watch sports? No. Do you follow sports? Sometimes I'll watch rodeos, bull riding and stuff like that, but I really don't. That's interesting. Do you pay attention to things because everybody else is paying attention to them or do you pay attention only to things you're interested in? If I'm like, oh, why is everyone, I hadn't planned, I felt that way about big little lies. Everyone was talking about it and I was like, I thought it looked bad, but maybe it's interesting and I watched it and I'm actually glad I did. So you pay attention to the cultural waves? I do. And you're influenced by what's around you? Define influenced. In other words, you will say what you just said. People are interested in this, so I should give it a shot. If everyone is down on a thing, I won't watch it. If it's wildly, yes, half no, I will watch it because I like things that are not controversial but that people have wildly different opinions. Will you watch a show? David, do you need to clarify what down on a thing is? Ha ha ha ha. Will you watch a show knowing that you're only gonna watch one episode of it even though you're gonna love it? Do you feel bad that you catch one episode of something that's important but you know you don't have the time to finish it? I always have time. I make time for programs. I love my programs. And what are your programs? Well, the American, this right now, obviously, RuPaul's Drag Race, which admittedly is a bit of a lighter watch. I like Masterchef Junior. I don't really like regular Masterchef anymore but I like the Masterchef Junior because I like the kids. I saw Irregular Masterchef where they cook food that isn't... Irregular's clothing, not food. No, it was gonna make a constipation joke. Can I ask you... Ha ha ha ha. Can I ask you... I wanna do... Are you recruiting her for Scientology now? Am I being recruited for ISIS? I don't even know what's happening now. You know what I think it is, it's like David's learning how to be friends with women but he's not entirely sure how to approach this conversation. He's trying to figure out your level so that he can forge a real friendship. No, I'm attracted to very... You're married and I'm not attracted to you. Oh boy, here we go. Well, the feeling is mutual. Thank you. In fact, you disgust me. You mega disgust me. I mean, you're repulsive. No, but I do... Literally, I'm projectile vomiting right now. I find very intelligent women intimidating and... Yes, you've made that abundantly clear. And I like to alpha dog them and make them feel stupid. Right, by obsessively going over your old weird jokes. No, I think smart women... No, I'm fascinated by smart women. Here's three shows I really enjoyed lately that I think you might enjoy too. Number one, Occupied. It's on Netflix. It's a Norwegian show that is taking place in the very near future. It's from an idea by Joe Nesbo, that Scandinavian crime author guy. I know his sister. I know his sister doesn't like men. Stop it, stop it. You know what? Don't even... It was just sad, is what that was. It was just sad. It wasn't even charming. No, his name is Nesbo, he has a sister. Please, no, you know what? You can't see me at home here. You know what women like is being interrupted with like unworthy comments, like over and over and over again? That makes fun to you. No, you know what? Do your own fucking podcast. You can do your own separate podcast where you just say your own jokes out loud to your own self. No, you have to book like young women you can interrupt. Yeah. You'll notice the restraint that I didn't say Joe Nesbo. I think I... You don't get any credit for that. But I didn't say it. You implied it. Yeah. No, actually you did say it, but in the context of like, I would never make this joke. It was apparent. Yeah, this shitty playing in both ways thing is not cute on you. It's not a good look. It doesn't work because, it doesn't work for us because we recognize it. All right. Occupado, like maybe? On Telemundo. Occupied. Occupado, on Telemundo. It's actually called Occupert. O-K-K-U-P-E-R-T. Is that Norwegian for Occupado? Yep. So it takes place in the very near future and the conceit of the show is that Norway has decided to stop producing all oil and gas in order to commit completely to clean energy. So... There are no Jews in Norway, so it's a lot easier to stop producing gas. Right, there's no pitilering. David's so mad right now. No, I don't know whether or not you're saying because if they're Jews, you have to get Zyklon B or... No, I thought it was because... They're gassy people. They're gassy people. Yeah. That's what I thought it was. Yeah, yeah. Jews are gassy people. But then I was like, but there is a lot of pickled fish to be eaten in Norway. That's true. Either way, whether you're Goyesha or Jewish. That is true. That is true. The stereotype about Jews being gassy was the Nuremberg defense. Mm. I'll let that... I'll let that city silence. They were gassing themselves. Look at them. So anyway, the EU... I am in the glass booth, so I don't smell them. So the EU and Norway, or I mean the EU and Russia collude to basically force Norway to keep producing the oil and gas and then slowly and incrementally, Russia like takes over Norway. And there's only like 10 episodes or 12 episodes in the first season, which is all that there is on Netflix right now, but it is so possible. This shit is a crazy series. It's so good. We feed them the Chinese food and we let them gassy chudder. The Chinese food. Yeah, it makes you gassy. Oh, I thought he was doing it. I thought he was doing an Norwegian accent. I did it first and then I was like, oh no. He's... It's a German accent. You know what? You guys are not turning this around on me. I'm not gonna lie. No, no, no, you weren't in the moment. I was gonna bring back this joke. Yeah, you can't do that on the show. And really annoy her. You can't do this. See, I was gonna give you a lifeline. At first I thought you were being my dad. No. And I didn't understand what was happening. Do you like your dad? I do. Good. He's a good dad. Good. He was a good dad. He still is a good dad. Good. His name is Eberhard. You said interesting names in your life. Mm-hmm. And your husband's name is? Gardner Comfort. Gardner Bell Comfort is his full name. And his actual name. That is such a great name. It's a fantastic Matt and A. Idol name of Hollywood. And he's a super nice dude. You know what, we started talking about World War II and the Japanese. And for my Japanese fans listening in Japan, we actually have a comfort woman here who is not Korean. Don't ever call me that again. I mean, I did have sex with thousands of Japanese servers against my will, but I call it, I call it. All right, that's it. You're coming back here every Saturday. I call it. I call it the Rising Sun Lady's Auxiliary Service. See, you're coming back every Saturday. You know why it's called the Rising Sun. Liam, do you know of any jobs I can do that work on Saturday? I am calling. You know why they're called the Rising Sun, by the way, because those guys, much like David, never go down. I am voting for the strike because if there's a strike, that means Colleen. Will be unemployed. And she'll be here every week. Are you guilt? I am. Okay, okay. As of 2010. And Liam? Congratulations. Liam, I will be free to sit in LA and crank out more specs scripts. When are you coming back to New York? I will probably be back for my birthday, which is August 1st. So that's probably, I'm gonna come back for a week and see some friends and, you know, like. Why don't you come back here? I got to work, you know, and there's. We gotta wrap it up. There's no work for me in New York that's, well, you were so busy asking Colleen about TV shows. All right. Listen, I'm just saying, watch Occupied is totally worth it. Okay, how do people reach you, Liam? You go to HeyIt'sLiam.com. You can go on Spotify and listen to my albums, Working Class Fancy, Comedienne. There's Tell Your Friends, The Concert Film. I've done a lot of shit. And you know what else? 2016, GQ Spain called me one of the 100 funniest comedians of all time. Nice. GQ Spain. GQ Spain. Espana? I get no love in America, but apparently in Europe, people dig my shit. You're Mui Grande in Madrid. I'm going to be Gwande everywhere if I don't start working out. And. Fuang fuang. Hi. Hi, ladies and gentlemen. Bling, bling, bling, bling. Coming up next, new brand, Grundy. Yeah. Colleen. Yes. How do people reach you? Tentatively at best. How do people get in? I have her phone number, so if anyone needs it, just email me. First of all, I want to give a big shout out to all the basement masturbators. I didn't even reference them once this whole time. What's up, B.M.s? How you doing? I don't get that. Oh, that's what David's audience is comprised entirely of. Basement masturbator. I'm sorry to offend your listeners, all those basement masturbators, and that took off. And then one man felt compelled to tell me that he lived in California and didn't have a basement, so I was like, okay, front yard masturbator. Did he email you? He tweeted at me. Which you can also do, other basement masturbators. Why don't we do. At Seaworthman. I'm going to say my Twitter handle. You can tweet at me at HeyIt'sLiam. Okay, and how to. I'm at Seaworthman, that's C-W-E-R-T-H, Emma's and Mary, A, double N, like in Nancy. Can we get a lot. That's some good branding. We gotta wrap it up. Can we get a wild line, and we'll start the podcast with this. Hello, I'm Colleen Worthman. Hello, basement masturbators. This is Colleen. This is another great David Feldman bit for his podcast. No, it's what, no. This is Colleen. Hello, basement masturbators. I'm not gonna do exactly what you told me to. What's up, basement masturbators? I'm Colleen Worthman. You're listening to the David Feldman show. Yo, yo, yo, you listen to the hottest show on podcast. I'm Liam McEnany. It's David Feldman show right now. Thank you.