 Radiant Church presents Radiant Stories, a collection of stories that showcase God's faithfulness to take our hopeless situations and craft them into beautiful testimonies of his power, provision, and love. We're here today with Lane and Mindy Gordon. Can you guys tell us a little bit about, we definitely want to talk specifically about your adoption journey and your adoption story but just give us a little background on you two as a couple and start of your family and that type of thing. We've been married 18 years. We have three kids, our oldest Lily. We'll be 15 in November and then we've got our middle son Will's who's 11 and our adopted son Zeke who is five and I'm a schoolteacher and then do lots of other side things for purposes of money and creative outlets because you got to be creative sometimes in your school teacher and he's has her teaching degree but stay at home mom and is awesome at just running a home. I've learned it's a legitimate art form and she's really good at it so I like that. I can bench 150 pounds. No yeah so we I think just early dating years we kind of talked a lot about like originally kind of wanting a big family. It's just you know when you're when you're dating and you're talking about all those ideals and thinking about all the ways that you envision your life and so I think the way that things turned out is certainly not how you envisioned it but God's plan is always like better and it wasn't always easy to you know get to the places that he's really sanctified us through but maybe you could say his way of fixing our stupid mistakes to get us to really good places. Thank you Lord. I know probably the the things that you guys went through in the adoption process was probably a lot to do. I know you know marriage is a whole other can of canabines just in and of itself but tell us kind of was there a moment when you guys I know you Mindy you talked about you know when you were dating you both kind of had a heart for a big family was that specifically for was adoption on your guys's hearts before you know even got married. The idea seemed awesome just like the idea of marriage seems awesome and then when you when you got some skin in the game you start figuring it out like oh man this is this is hard and what does it mean what does it mean to say yes and then to be faithful through that yes. What was one of the first moments that you guys realized after saying yes where you were like oh I have to say yes again to this because I really don't maybe want to. The very first phone call with the agency after we decided to say yes so it was literally like that early on where I mean so it it had been for Mindy something that God had started to stir in her heart first so what does that look like because of course you know the word adoption has multiple subcategories so do we want to do domestic do we want to do international do we want to do foster care foster care do we want to do international but closer to us or do we want to do international on the other side of the world I mean there's just a ton of those conversations to have and I don't know if we knew all of those answers yet necessarily but in starting conversations with our we kind of looked through several different possible agencies and this sounds so terrible but we ended up going with the agency that had the least expensive adoption contract fee the application fee we're like oh this one's only three hundred dollars I'll do that contract fees that were like eight hundred dollars I mean I mean I guess I'll do that but in his you know wonderful wonderful sovereignty led us to a really great agency but that first phone call literally like hmm I think we I think we need to call you back like she's asking us questions about things and we were like oh that sounds harder than what we thought it was gonna be and that and she sent me I remember she's like now Lane I just I emailed you over a fee schedule so you can kind of see when certain things are gonna need to come do and I just like literally you know my heart just like sinking and I'm like yeah I think we need to call you back I think we need to like talk through some things like $10,000 that was due within 12 weeks and I remember looking at him and he was a lot of weddings and he's just like okay mm-hmm okay yep well you know we're just gonna call you back we got to talk about some stuff and I'm like oh no like if this doesn't get passed at this point like yeah it was a money thing it was I think at that point we had tossed around a couple different countries as options I think at that point we kind of had felt the call to to move internationally as opposed to domestically with the adoption some questions about just different countries that were available and some that were closed we really felt this call to the country of Haiti for practical reasons and then again just for kind of reasons that maybe we couldn't quite put our finger on I think some of that was just the prompting of the of the prayer I think it was a lot of it was just like offering up to God sort of our ideas you know like Lord is it here is it foster care is it like I think with adoption like I mean the need is so great so wherever you choose to adopt from wherever the Lord is leading you there are purposes in every country in every place in every area and so what does that look like for us that waiting period that's sort of like those big question marks that you kept running into can you talk a little bit about maybe some of the specific ways that you prayed or were encouraged or supported during that waiting process because I know it was pretty significant it was a pretty significant amount of time waiting was brutal I mean once we finally you know really had prayed about it we really felt from the Lord like this is the direction that we need to head and I felt God you from the very beginning that he had already chosen this child he'd already he already knew the whole plan and so whatever this plan was I knew that there was a plan for this child that was that we were adopting like I was I've always really felt that very strongly and so knowing that there is this you know child and I had actually had a dream or vision actually one night about I was holding a little boys hand and the boys hand was it was black and so that was part of the reason why I was just like well I think we're we're going to adopt a black child so wherever that country you know is or yeah we're a city or state whatever and so that really stuck with me and that was really a gift from the Lord to really give a lot of strength in the years to come sustain that it wasn't just me there were many times where I felt like maybe I was making up all of this maybe it was all in my head maybe I was crazy because it the waiting period of you know it was four years from the time we said yes to the time we brought him home I started to question whether that you know that was Satan or whatever just so many attacks of my faith and so many doubts and so many things like I'm just crazy I'm just making this up God never said this is what we should be doing and you know but a lot of that vision kept coming back to me it was like this promise of the Lord like the son I have for you is is here and he is waiting and there's a purpose for his life and and I had no idea if we were even gonna adopt a boy like I had no idea but to answer your question about the the waiting period we after we had signed the all the documents and all that stuff we were really just in this really great place God was showing up constantly he just kept showing up in these amazing amazing ways and then after really he was showing up really that first year it felt like after that for the next three years there was just like silence and nothing and this was what I would call like my days of like total bareness where I just struggled I struggled to believe if it was ever gonna happen I struggled just in my faith I struggled with oh just so much fear and Satan was really working hard to destroy a lot of sort of that original you know excitement and God's you know when you're when you're sort of on top of the mountain it's so great just be like yes God's so amazing he's so near I feel him so close and then it was like where did he go and that's the Psalms were such a great comfort to me because because they so reflected my heart you know about losing your hope and why are you downcast and you know and then to constantly say like to put your faith in him to put your hope in him those were tough tough days for me I found myself in a very dark place not not of like a depression but of just silence was really tough really tough but you can go ahead and share like amazing ways that God did show up especially in that first year well yeah I mean again the the process of Haiti isn't a quick one it took us a year to get all of the paperwork around oh my goodness it was I mean it was a it was like a checklist that any type a person would have they would have lost their mind over I mean it was yeah mountains of paperwork to get all that around and then again the trick with Haiti is that you kind of submit it and then you just wait so that way you wait and then it expires so then you have to do it over so I did it three times you guys three times I did yeah and it does I mean it tests your faith the the waiting again in anything is is just always the challenge like it is it is super easy to have faith in the Lord when when he is showing up in those wonderful ways and then there's there's like those testing periods and I think you know when you're outside of a testing period you and you could look back on it maybe I should say it's you're oftentimes reminded of his faithfulness even in those periods but when you're in them it's just hard there's just no right answers at times and there's no yeah there's no solution to the frustration of the question why because you're constantly asking why why is it taking so long why haven't we heard anything why don't we know why don't why doesn't someone do something why do I have to redo this paperwork again and so lots of those whys were we're tough those are tough those were tough days the financial side is always a scary one that was one of the first probably one of the first places that God really just kind of showed us that our yes was it was where we needed to be for me I was just like oh the Lord's totally gonna provide I just knew it I was like he's gonna provide but for Lane he was like we're in trouble and so it was really the Lord's generosity to you of course it was yeah you to wow your faith in him well and I so when you you know when you look at the when you look at the total amount and again they can never give you exact figures but but when you look at that the total amount on that fee schedule I mean it was roughly a $40,000 bill and I was like babe I just I just I don't know I don't know I don't know how we're gonna do that and he showed up in a really cool way at first just sort of in a in some small ways so we we wrote up the blog post we kind of put it out there for people to read and just again like be a part of you know hey if you'd like to donate here's you know here's our PayPal address and here's the ways that you can help and I remember that being a really cool experience because it like officially was public and literally within like 10 minutes just starting to get little email notifications right so and so donated $10 so and so donated $25 and they're putting in little notes of like hey I I had you as a teacher your first year in high school and I just love you and would love to just I don't have much but let me let me do this and so I it was it was such an honor to start to see people from our past and people from our from our current you know life just kind of showing up in in small ways and so I remember that felt really good but I remember that we only raised like $2,000 and I was like oh crap like that's not even remotely close to being enough and and I think the day that will always just stand out on our memory so we had a we had a snow day from school and I got an email from someone that said hey I heard about your adoption and I have I've got this idea and I just would love for you to like I'd love for you to shoot me an email or or give me a call so I told Mindy at that point I called this this particular person up and I remember I remember when she answered she just you could tell she'd been crying you know and I was like hey what's going on and she said well she said I've got this idea and and then she kept apologizing I'll never forget that she's like I'm just I'm really sorry I was like okay what like what what's wrong and she's like well I I just I don't really know how to say this to you but it's just gosh I don't know I'm just I'm really sorry I'm really sorry and I'm like what do you like it's okay like what's wrong what do you what's your idea and she said well I've been sharing with my husband about about you guys saying yes to adoption and she's like I just I don't really know how to like I don't know how to tell you this I'm like okay and I'm I'm I'm starting to get nervous right I'm like I like yeah what's wrong did I have I upset her like it was just this weird I didn't know how to like put two and two together quick little backstory this gal and her husband had a really freak accident probably three years before this time and so she said to me she's like I don't I just don't even know how to like say this but she said we we have this settlement that we got from the accident she said and we have this money and she said we don't know what to do with it you're not gonna buy a house we're not gonna go on vacation she's like I've got this money we have this money and we just don't know what to do with it and then and then we heard about your adoption and it was like I just had this answer of what I was supposed to do and she said so I don't I don't know if this makes any sense but we feel like we need to like just fund your entire adoption she's like we just we just feel like we need to take care of it and I it was just one of those moments that you it's like the world slows down around you right and you just yeah and so I remember saying like oh it's like I don't okay I don't know how to like I'm not sure I even know what to say right now and she said well it's okay like talk to Mindy make sure that she's okay with it I think she'll be okay but yeah she said I I just just call us back right and and I it yeah you just you hang up the phone in those moments and again it's like it's like the world is just in slow motion around you and Mindy of course because I'm just on the phone and so she's like what what's wrong yeah like what's wrong because she's seen my face and it's like Mack truck just yeah yeah and and so I did I hung up the phone and and started kind of talking through all of it with her we of course called them back and we're just like I don't even know how to thank you enough for that but of course we'll say yes to that and so that for us was one of the first big places that God said there's gonna be difficult times but I'm gonna I'm gonna maybe just take this one off the table right like this is not going to stand in the way of your yeses because and I thought about this I just wonder if the struggle of four years if the financial burden would have been added to that I just wonder if we would have quit honestly yeah I just wonder if at some point we would have been like I can't keep doing this I can't you know we're trying to meet these different fee schedules and and we're we're literally getting nothing in from the government in return we're getting no like hey we're thinking we've got a referral coming in six months hey it was just nothing yeah and so I just wonder sometimes if again in his goodness he knew that tough times would come but maybe that was just one that he was just gonna he was just gonna also kept us really accountable to kept us really from quitting a lot of times like yeah like knowing that this gift was given to us so freely and so generously and just it was so humbling and they were just just such precious people I just kept thinking like no we we owe it to them yeah to bring this baby home man we owe it to them that'd be a really uncomfortable phone call hey we're out by the way I'll go on yeah so it did it really kept us yeah committed kept you in the fight yeah yeah yeah what was the first time you guys met Zeke what was that like can you talk about that a little bit the other time that the world slowed down yeah around us so in Haiti the way they do it is you you wait and you wait and you wait for referral Haiti does all the matching we have zero control over any of that and so that's again like here's our parameters we're very open with our parameters with yeah you give an age range you give genders it didn't matter and so I kind of had thought early on maybe I'll narrow those down to make sure that you know like I'm gonna help got out here I'll just like let's say boy let's say this age but I'm like this vision but I'm gonna make sure I really felt got me like mm-hmm no this is gonna be me it's gotta be all me yeah keep those parameters open which we did so we just we kind of just put it all out there very general open parameters and so that meant we got a mat we would get a match for any of you know really for the next child that was eligible when we got when we got next in line for a child that met our parameters that's where the match would be made and so we where we had been waiting for two years at that point for a match was still just really kind of no idea necessarily when that would come we hoped it would be soon the not knowing the living in limbo was really really hard it's really hard to make plans it's really hard to know how to plan your life around that but I was coming back from a friend's house and I saw that Kate had called from our agency and of course I'm never she her name comes up on my phone I'm like sorry I got a heart attack wherever you are I had the kids in the car with me and lame still at schools during the school day and I I called and of course up to this point like I felt like she was basically a sister because we had talked so much on the phone and whatever and so she's like Mindy yes she's like guess what we have a match and so we were just like I put her on speaker and let the kids hear and she told us the name of our son which and in Haiti his name was Jolinsky and so I had known who he was just from pictures and stuff because we kind of know all the kids were at the orphanage and stuff and so that was just one of those moments where we were just so excited and I was just yeah finally we were getting somewhere it was like at the end of two years really of just nothing that finally we were going to Haiti to meet our son and really up when you are matched it's like I mean is a whirlwind it there's so much paperwork to get around yeah there's another set of paperwork you got to get flights you got to get you know and so the government requires that you're there for two weeks for a socialization visit or like a bonding trip where we're observed by the social services in Haiti and then there's just different requirements that you have to meet when you're down there and so we were we thought that we were ready for that but I don't know if you could ever really prepare two weeks is a really long time to be away from our biological kids it's two weeks is a really long time to be in a foreign country where like I mean we were so bored out of our minds that we were like inventing things to do during the day because the idea is you're there for two weeks and so literally like you you get off the airplane you're picked up at the airport by the people that run the orphanage we were taken to the place that we were gonna stay and that was like and it was late enough in the evening that they wanted to wait till the next morning but literally that next morning it's they drive you to the orphanage you meet this child and then the next two weeks is like okay play family yeah so narrowing down on that time that you know of course I'm just a mass I'm just a cop just a wreck because well because it's real at that point it's not just a child here's an airplane it's a real and I'm having to leave my other two kids for two whole weeks that that just required a lot of prayer just was in constant prayer even just on the airplane and landing and then and then getting there and so the next day when we finally got there we were we were ready to meet him and of course I think a lot of times again like when you have this idea you think what this moment's gonna be like you know it's gonna be slo-mo but you've seen like videos of families running up the sidewalk to each other he's gonna put his arms around me and say mommy I love you like it's just so not how happens it's it's suddenly we're walking into an orphanage and it's loud and it's so hot and he was sitting on a chair he was so little and he had this little torn up backpack on and he was just he was just sitting there and he was all he was all ready for the day like they they dressed him up for the day and so I just look over and no one's there to greet us no one's there just like I'm looking around and I know who he is obviously from pictures and stuff and I'm looking around and I point to him and I asked one of the nannies I was like Jolinsky and they're like oh yeah yeah he's over he's over there and so I just knelt down by him and I and I was like hi and we don't speak the same language we he has no idea who we are he was just told to sit in the chair you know what I'm saying like and so I just knelt down I brought like a little teddy bear from him and he just would not make eye contact he wouldn't look at us which is not uncommon from what we heard with other friends not uncommon yeah from from not just uncommon for the orphanage I think just kind of a for a child that's experienced trauma the you know the trauma of abandonment and all that for them for them to light up like that to a stranger is probably not gonna happen yes we were prepared for that this very yeah stone-faced kind of looking through us sort of thing and of course we're like hey buddy a minute I'm like what am I supposed to do weird and awkward and like goodness he's he's mine he is my child and I'm like and he is an absolute stranger and so are we we're like his parents now and he's and we're strangers to him so how do we navigate this properly so it's tough those are a tough two weeks and then I mean as if the two weeks aren't hard at the end of the two weeks it's okay and now you need to say goodbye and he's gonna stay here and you're gonna go home and you're gonna enter phase 374 of waiting like now there's new paperwork that has to all get pushed through the system now that we've officially accepted that referral now you have to go home finish the adoption process by doing the next now yeah and a little bit about that time for me to just again spiritually just I think I felt that pressure to just feel like I was his mom and to feel immediate love for him like he was my child and the fact is is that I didn't it was I mean I thought he was adorable but he's so cute I thought he was the greatest but at the same time I was like I don't feel the same way for him that I do my biological children and I knew that going into it but then when I was faced with it I it was like am I enough for him like there are a couple instances where I just knew that there was some sort of orphan responses to things that he would do and I was like oh my goodness like this is not God you picked the wrong girl I am not and I'm not a good enough mom for this I am not enough for him and I was texting some of my adoption friends that had really walked closely along with us in this journey we're also adopting from the same orphanage I was just very thankful for them having kind of gone through that already too and just being like oh yes no you're not enough you're not none of us are we're not enough for these kids but that's why we have Jesus because he's enough and he will give you what you need every single day to get through all of it and just and just that immense guilt that I would feel like when he would get on my nerves because the fact is he's a two and a half year old who's like kind of bouncing off the walls at some some points of the day and there were nights where I was like I can't wait for him to go back yeah like I was she had a hard couple days I was like why oh my goodness he I can't wait for him to go back like he's he's literally driving me nuts and I would go shot myself in the room and just sob because again like you wait so long and and I think those ideas and those visions and those ideals that you have about about adopting and bringing a child into your family like you want to feel that love and when it's not there it's especially as a mom Lane just wasn't sweating it but as I think as a mom as a mom I was just like I need to I need to feel something you know I can't do this without without love and so just praying like God I don't have the love human love I don't have it it's not in my capacity and so I'm I was just begging God like give me your love that you have for him I need you to give me eyes to see him as you see him and so that was that I just kept praying that every single day just God give me you've got to give me your love because I don't have it it's it's not in me and so we were actually walking back from the orphanage one night really close to I think it was maybe the day before we left he wanted to show us like his room and stuff and so I was carrying him around and he was showing us like where he slept and he slept in this little pack-and-play that was like all the way to the back of the to the wall and it was in a room with a bunch of other pack-and-plays and and he showed me his bed and I was looking at it and I was thinking like he God just showed up so mightily in this moment just like this is this is where he has slept for the last you know two years with no mommy to tuck him in to kiss him goodnight to pray with him and like this is and and he just he's this child like I just suddenly God just start started showing me the way that he sees him and the way that God would come for him at night and and that God would come for him during the day and like and that's and that's why I'm I'm here I'm now here to like fill in these gaps for this little boy who needs a mommy and he needs a daddy and after we walked home that night it literally I broke down I had many breakdowns during this adoption process this was one of them I just broke down and sobbed and just cried and cried and cried and just thanked God over and over for like forgiving me that glimpse of the way that he sees Jolinsky and that was just that was a real turning point for me too because I was able to go home to leave him and Haiti which was so hard it was so hard to walk away from him and to go and then not know when we are gonna see him again not knowing the adoption was gonna be complete not know if we are gonna be able to make it back you know on a visit to see him in between finishing the adoption process and so that was really really hard for me but at the same time I felt so much relief because I felt like God was just like I'm gonna give you exactly what you need to raise him as your own and and God's just been very gracious in that just giving me like when I've been at the end of myself I'm trying to do it on my own and I finally get to the end and he's like all right let me let me show you the way that I see things and let me give you the things that that you need in order to to be what you need for him yeah yeah that's that's a really sweet kind tender father kind of realization after you guys had to leave him after the two weeks there was two more years of waiting year and a half year and a half roughly just a little under a year and a half so we we got back in it was April April yeah it was when we went to visit him and so it was it was that next July July that we finally brought him home so a year and three months roughly did you guys take take your your older two kids with you we did when we went to pick him up we did not the bonding trip that's an option but it's discouraged for obvious reasons like and I get it now like it would have been really easy to just distract him with the kids and not have to enter into the difficulty of getting to know him but but we didn't and I'm glad that we didn't but we did bring them back with us desperately wanting them to just really know where their brother came from and what part of his story was that they just can't even fathom and I think it was it's probably one of the greatest gifts that we could have given them at times you know they'll be frustrated and and it's hard for them I mean we had I don't know the four of us had kind of a sweet gig going you know what I mean like it was it was easy it was easy it's weird I sometimes don't you know take into account that for them especially I think for Wills as our youngest and up to that point the baby of the family that he became an older brother to a four-year-old like suddenly sudden literally suddenly like pulled up in a car walked into an orphanage gave his new brother a hug and now you're older and the middle child and he's four and you have no connection with him whatsoever and so that has been was hard for them and has continued to be hard but I think having them come with us really was was just very important for them to to see that and I think if anything just our desires always for our kids to have their eyes open to the brokenness in the world and that God might woo them to obedience at times through just their eyes being opened to the massive need that exists in the world outside of them and so that that to us was an important thing if we could make happen and so I'm really glad we did that's so awesome that is I mean all of that is such a great a great and long testimony I mean it was it was a huge job it's not a short story so no no I love it down so you guys have you've had Zeke now for a little over a year yeah yeah with the hindsight that you have what what's the biggest lesson or takeaway that you've you have individually as a family how have you kind of shifted and molded to welcome in this this new promise that the Lord gave you guys and that's so true I mean the promise I thought it's one thing I kept coming back to like that God has made promises and that he's faithful in them even though there are times that we don't see how he's working or we don't feel him near you know like I think that was so hard for me like why don't I feel him near but knowing that he is near and knowing that his promises will come true and knowing that our journey and obedience is going to come into fruition with having him home there were days where I just didn't believe that that was ever gonna happen and having him home I mean I'm not gonna like that this last year has not been super easy he said he's an amazing kid he is amazing but he's four and a half he's five he has no framework for being in a family so or mom dad brothers sisters how does that work and not knowing the language throw in some health problems throw in some you know there's all of those factors that have just been have been difficult and then not to not to mention just that huge transition as a family and transition for our biological kids too and where do they fit in this now it was really hard for me both of us at night we would get him in bed and we would all sit on the couch and the kids were like this is this is forever like this is it this is it's never gonna be the same again and then to hear them verbalize like I miss it when it was just the four of us you know that's really hard to hear because all of our attention was going to hit to him and so that's how do I manage that as a mom how do I but again just it's it was a constant reminder for them to just for us to say in obedience like God God does ask us ask us to do things that are really hard and they're really scary and it's gonna require sacrifice and I know that this yes wasn't your yes yeah but but you're seeing what yes looks like and I know that that's had an effect on you but this is the life that that God asks of all of us of all of us I don't know what your yes is going to be when you're grown up or when you're a little bit older that's gonna be something and it's gonna require a lot of you and so it's just and they matured so much in this last year I mean it is not been easy there have been a lot of tears and a lot of trying to make I'm trying to you know cover all bases with all three of them and I felt like there wasn't enough of me to go around but but God's just been so faithful and just eliminating those fears for me to always remind me that number one God has a plan for Zeke whatever that is that kid is so unique and so special and he is just something else I'm telling like so God has a plan for and so if we get to play if we get to be in part of that plan like I'm in I can't wait to see what God does in his life so that this just got us so faithful but then he's he's just faithful to all of us and you know he is his promises are true and he doesn't leave us and so even looking back like I am so thankful for that time of of all that fear and that anxiety and all that waiting man that just shaped me and it really molded me into into what God desired me to be and that did not come without pain and tears and angst and all of that stuff but he showed up every single time and I would say I would say hindsight hindsight for me is just reflecting on the timeline in the way in which you know if I was writing the book it would have happened this way and really understanding the things that God I would say to Mindy at times during the wait so I don't know this babe but I just wonder sometimes if God needs to keep doing a work in us in some places before he finally brings this yes to completion like maybe we're not ready for it yet and maybe he hasn't said yes to it yet because because he's still got some things that he's working in for us and so I think for me the hindsight you know being on this side of it and looking back is a being thankful that it didn't happen in my time frame because that my whole life would be a disaster if I got what I wanted right like what a mess how foolish of me to think like I know what's best for me and the time in which it should happen so I'm thankful for that I'm thankful for just what is our new normal now because it's a different type of normal but it's a but it's a fun new normal and I think I mean Mindy and I will talk about this often like you know we could have not said yes but think about all that we would have missed out on think about all the places that we've grown and that we've matured and how he had he had brought us through different wildernesses separately together in marriage and then and then to unite us through this journey to just look back on all of that and really be able to say like yeah he he has been really good and I'm just super thankful for the wilderness it's it's it's the place that we're reminded of our need of him and how we just can't do it on our own and again in practical ways when you're waiting on a on a government to say yes you have zero control over that it's like I got nothing right now so I'm just I'm resting on the promises dude man dude man that is a powerful story you guys and I am I'm so thankful that I got to hear it in in its right from your lips for the first time ever that's right it's really really great I am very thankful for both of you as individuals and for being willing to do this with us thank you so thank you for being on the podcast this has been main in Mindy Gordon radiant podcast radiant radio this has been radiant stories click subscribe to get a brand new story delivered to you every Monday