 Well good morning my beautiful friends. I am in the car waiting for Brian. We are going to go to open mat at my old jujitsu gym. Now I will not be able to actually participate in jujitsu called rolling for I don't even know how long depending on how long recovery after surgery takes and all that. But this is the first time that I will be going back there since the leg chopping has occurred and I could have gone back at any point and just like hung out with people because those people are like family and I love them but I'll be honest I've been very uncomfortable too because like jujitsu is a very physical sport right you're like basically simulating fighting for your life and you know like doing submissions on other people and jokes and stuff like that and so it's a very very physical fighting sport and I didn't suck at it I was a great at it but like I was learning you know I've done it for like a grand total of I think three four years if you add it all up now I am impaired now I am missing a leg now everything is different now when I go back my game will totally be changed which if I look at it in a positive way is cool because I get to learn a whole different side of jujitsu there are definitely people with below the knee amputations even above the knee amputations who do jujitsu so I know that it's possible I'm gonna go and face that fear I'm sure it'll be okay if I sob I sob they'll love me anyways right get reintegrated into that community say hey to everybody and watch brian roll because I love watching him if nothing else so wish me luck guess what guys I did not die uh it was really awesome to go so I just got back a couple hours ago from jujitsu and you know we build up these scenarios in our heads of how scary things are going to be and it was awesome to be there it was awesome to see those people again thank you to all of my teammates and everyone who was um there to say hey and hang out with me and talk to me all I could do was sit there and I think that was one of my big fears too that I really have a problem being like sidelined and not being able to participate in something when it's right there and I love it and there are a few things that I'm as passionate about as I am about jujitsu I love it for those five minutes that I'm rolling with someone like everything else melts away if there are any other fellow jujitsu practitioners please let me know in the comments below I'd love to hear from you guys I think part of me was afraid that I would like sit on the mat and be like well it wouldn't be terrible if I practiced a little bit and that would be a terrible idea because I am in no physical condition to do that because of what's going on with my leg but um I knew my boundaries and I kept them and I just got to chat with people and watch people roll and watch people work on their game and it was great I think a lot of my fears come back to projection like I don't actually think any of the people that I train with think less of me because I'm missing a leg I don't think they'll be weird about training with me I think I'm the one who thinks that I think sometimes I think of myself as less I think that it's weird sometimes like I don't think that for the majority of the time at all I don't think that for anyone else I just think that for myself and facing new situations like seeing people for the first time when I haven't seen them I'm the last time I saw them I had two legs it just brings up a lot of anxiety and like I was saying before these are people I've been super physical with right and so they've seen me in a very different light and and now I will not ever be that same version I'll be a different version of athletic and fierce and fighting but um it's just going to be different and I realize today that like they're going to be there for that too you know and everyone from uh from my gym who watches this thank you guys thank you for being there for me thank you for supporting me and the coaches have you know offered to help me get used to this when I'm ready to get back on the mat and unfortunately that's probably gonna be quite a while unfortunately that's probably gonna be months I do have an appointment set up with a doctor this Wednesday to figure out more of what's going on um more not more of what's going on more of what we're gonna do because some decisions do need to be made I'll fill you in more on that when I know more I do think I'm still going to Ireland but after that uh surgery or surgeries will definitely be on the horizon everything's going to be turned upside down again and it's going to be months before I am walking on a prosthetic leg again and I don't know how long until I can work again and I guess that just means this is more of an adventure that's what stories are right you know what it's better to do it now than later and setbacks happen and I definitely have had moments of losing it and being super angry and I really appreciated your incredible support and your messages to me after my last video and I will keep you guys filled in and I know I'm being a little bit vague I'm not just talking about the the one surgery for the bursitis there's some other stuff that might be happening and I will let you know when I know more remember when I said this rug was super slippery it still is and I still really enjoy sliding around on it like a child and come out she's so scared guys that's the furthest she's ever come I've literally had her for a year and a half and she's never made it on the rug it must be a magic rug I don't know if you guys are nearly as entertained by all their antics as I am I just think they're the sweetest thing so I guess you guys are stuck watching them too so one thing that I've been thinking a lot about over the past couple days is the idea of control I think we all like to think that we have control over our lives I sure do um but in reality we don't like circumstances take us where they want to take us and all we can really control is our actions and our reactions and our perceptions and that's a lot of what stoicism is about I've mentioned the kind of the philosophy of stoicism before I'll put a link in the description to a book that I'm reading one page of every day I've stayed pretty consistent with it I've missed a couple days recently in any case I feel like everything is out of control right now I don't want to have more surgery I don't want to have fallen which then caused this injury which is now preventing me from walking which is now gonna make me have more surgery and there's potentially something much larger that is on the horizon and I feel like nothing is in my control like everything is just spinning out of control around me and I'm just along for the ride and that can make you feel like you're losing your mind as humans we want to have control I don't think it's a unnatural desire or a wrong thing but I also think it's important to recognize what is and what is not in our control it's kind of like the serenity prayer you know gotta grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom know the difference I think that's it I think it's wrong to want to control things but I think it's important to recognize what is within our control and what isn't and so I am making a list today of the things that I can actually that are in my power and the things that aren't I'm not going to make a list of because it's literally everything else but I think focusing on the simple little things is really helpful and so I would love it if you would comment down below five things little things big things whatever it is that are in your control and these are my 12 things that I can control I look forward to reading and answering your comments in the comment section below I hope you guys are having a lovely afternoon morning evening wherever it is where you are one of the upcoming videos is going to be a Q&A with Brian and I we were actually going to film that right when we got back from Jiu Jitsu but Brian heard his neck which is a big bummer he's resting right now hopefully he'll feel better soon so we'll film that in the next couple days I have all of your questions we're going to get through as many of them as we can I'm super excited to have them on I know you guys are too hop over to the community tab here if you want to add a question for me to chat with him without on camera all right I love you guys I'll talk to you later bye