 You see someone trapped in an abusive relationship with a narcissist Suffering narcissistic abuse day in and day out languishing withering Shriveling I'm out of synonyms You want to help her Maybe you are secretly in love with her Maybe you're a family member Or just a well-meaning colleague You feel the urge to save her To fix the situation somehow to extricate her from the Camp of prisoners of war from the scout From this extermination camp You know That if she Wouldn't leave soon. She would die She would die mentally She would die physically She would not be the same person ever again Maybe you have known her for decades. Maybe you've just met her but still You feel this uncontrollable urge to just barge in Take her by the hand Drag her to a better place It's a savior fixer Messiah complex which suddenly has awakened in you You didn't know you were capable of such thoughts and such actions, but you feel compelled you feel driven You feel out of control The pity the mercy The empathy the heartbreak Are too much to contemplate Even as a witness Even as an observer It's overpowering. It's overwhelming Maybe you're saving yourself actually You can't just stand by when people are molested and tortured and humiliated and abused and traumatized you have to do something you're a good person and so today we are going to discuss why This is a seriously bad idea My name is the iconoclastic Sandvacne and I'm the author of Malignant self-love you guessed it narcissism Revisited I am also a professor of psychology So you'd better listen to me because I am the authority And you should listen to the authorities not a very popular message on YouTube mind you Before we go there. I would like to clarify something In a clip a short clip Which I posted on my channel and Richard Granon posted on his I Said that the borderline has a God Fantasy she imagines herself to be God and I received an avalanche a borderline tsunami of protests and corrections and criticism and attacks And death threats and what have you I'm a borderline and I never ever thought of myself as a God Or as a divinity Well, honey's in bunches There are two types of grandiose fantasies first of all to make clear the borderline exactly like the narcissist She has a false self She is grandiose Exactly like the narcissist But the locus of the grandiosity the content of the grandiose fantasy is different while the narcissist imagines himself to be omnipotent initiate all-powerful Perfect and brilliant exactly like God the classical Old Testament God if you wish the borderline imagines herself to be Irresistibly beautiful Amazingly emotional Perfection when it comes to empathy and the capacity to love and care the locus of a grandiosity is kind of gender role Gender stereotype Fantasy is more feminine if you wish while the narcissist fantasy is more Masculine that is not to say that there are no borderlines who are men and not to say that there are no borderlines Females who harbor or maintain masculine fantasies It's just to say that the narcissist fantasy is outward directed is directed at the world at his audience and public while the borderline's fantasy is directed in words But both fantasies involve a fantastic inflated grandiose and self-aggrandizing View and perception of themselves a self image, which is unrealistic The narcissist self image is a combination of Napoleon and God Borderlines fantasy is I'm the best person who has ever lived I'm perfection when it comes to emotionality and Relationships That's all I meant to say so both of them have good fantasies These fantasies are crucial for the sustenance and maintenance of the borderline and narcissistic structures And in the absence of these fantasies the narcissistic experiences Modification falls apart mentally and the borderline experiences suicidal ideation Modification leads the narcissist to become a borderline in effect and The collapse of the fantasy of the shared fantasy the case of the borderline Leads her to decompensate and act out. She becomes a secondary Psychopath the borderline's fantasy is focused on an intimate partner Who is supposed to regulate her internal processes? An external regulate Narcissist fantasy is focused on his needs need to prevail and to feel superior triumphant and victorious Nuff said watch The content that I've made with Richard random in Bucharest the interview I gave him the seminar we gave together Now back to the topic of saving Fixing rescuing the victim of narcissistic abuse The victim is there You are here and you feel that you can extricate her You are her savior. You're her rescuer. This is a classic Cartman Drama triangle I have a video dedicated to it Of course, I have a video dedicated to every topic known to humanity and many topics known only only to aliens Okay, I'm in a good mood as you can see. I hope it doesn't bother you too much and Let's get straight to the point it with you if you witness narcissistic abuse and You like or love the victim and you want to save her and you want to rescue her remember this She doesn't want your help She resents you for offering your help The shared fantasy she has with her abuser is her refuge the shared fantasy she has with their abuser is Her comfort zone The shared fantasy she has with her abuser is her life She doesn't want you to barge in you are uninvited your advice is unsolicited Solicited your attempts to rescue and fix and save her are unwelcome She dreads loneliness She prefers to be with an abuser to being alone She has abandonment anxiety and she has five common fallacies number one My abuser Defines who I am my abuser made me Whatever and whoever I'm now I have become through the agency and the help and the contributions of my abuser I and my abuser are one One organism one entity one unit in say probe inseparable Cult we against the world isn't known as sheds aquatic disorder or fully adieu When you try to break this attachment, it's essentially a kind of trauma bonding When you try to break this attachment between the victim of narcissistic abuse and her abuser You are entering Mind-filled Both of them are gonna turn on you and against you gonna alienate Both of you gonna make enemies of both of them and they're gonna collude and collaborate destroying you be careful The second fallacy which characterizes the victims of narcissistic abuse is I'm lucky I'm worthless and broken and damaged goods I'm lucky to have found even my abuser If I leave the relationship, who else would want me? Where will I find another partner? It's a miracle that I found even this part if you Offer the victim of narcissistic abuse an alternative if you tell a listen leave him and come with me She's going to suspect you Her self-esteem is so low her sense of self-worth is so this regularly that she can't believe That she is lovable she can't believe That she had attracted your attention and interest and care let alone love She would suspect you offer some ulterior motive. She would become paranoid The third fallacy of victims of narcissistic abuse is what I call the best of all worlds emulating life needs who else The big name of narcissistic abuse keeps keeps telling her so Life is harsh Life is nasty and brutish and short and it sucks Life doesn't get much better than this than what I have What I have with my abuser is the best possible world The glass is always greener on the other side of the relationship fence But that is merely an optical illusion This what I have right now is as good as it gets And if you try to drag her away from what she has The pitons that she has the little that she has She would regard you as a usurper an invader Someone who's trying to deprive her of what little she had accomplished when it comes to her two relationships someone who is trying to Reduce her to misery and loneliness yet again She found a partner. Yes. He's in him. He's abusive. Yes. He's jealous. Yes. He may Be physically violent, but he is a partner and the alternative to a partner is no partner The alternative to togetherness however painful however harmful is Loneliness and she doesn't want that she is abandonment anxiety. She's a victim for good reason and so When you attempt to show her the alternative to demonstrate to her that she doesn't need to be in Such a relationship that she is trauma bonded that her thinking is unclear that she should Move away in order to regain Consciousness and the ability to judge properly. She would regard you as a serious threat She would fend you off and even become aggressive The next fallacy of victims of narcissistic abuse is my partner is not worse than other partners or other people's partners Every other partner I may find hell every other partner I've ever found Will have flaws and quirks that I would have to get used to and I don't have to accommodate him all over again. I Mean, what the heck? Yes, the partner I'm with right now is abusing me. Yes He's a venglorious full of himself in your face obnoxious narcissists. It's all true. So what? All other men or women are exactly like this There's no one better than my partner because everyone sucks Better stick with what I know No one guarantees that my next partner will not be worse than this partner. So I bother and Finally, there's a general pessimism about the world in victims of abuse. I call it happiness bar life Victims of abuse we tell you life is a serious business It is not about the selfish pursuit of elusive happiness You need to compromise You need to numb your emotions. You need to lower your expectations. You need to get rid of Overselectiveness you need to not be choosy. You need to eradicate your standards Life is about meeting your obligations. Life is about getting on with it a stiff upper lip at best in life at best One can expect companionship and mutual support in old age Anything more than that is wishful thinking And in anything more than that is Hollywood Anything more than that is self-defeating and destructive and should be avoided and that you are trying You are trying to poison her with optimism to inculcate in her the belief that she deserves better That's a minus. It renders you the enemy because you are entering a territory Where you cannot fulfill her wishes and expectations bound to disappoint her Life is bound to disappoint her because happiness bar its nonsense There is no such thing These are old wives tales They are folklore. They're meaningless. It's a myth. No one is happy People are You know adopted to life you take take it as it comes These are the five fallacies the five firewalls the five defenses that are going to hinder every attempt you make at Introducing the victim of narcissistic abuse or reintroducing her to reality without the filters of the abuser Any effort you make to take her out of her life and introduce her or bring her to a new life any wish to revive her to Allow her to extricate herself from the undue influence of the abuser All these attempts are going to be rebuffed And she's gonna hate you and resent you for having Kind of force her to face her predicament She spent a lifetime denying and repressing and avoiding and here you come And you abscond with her fantasy and you take away her hope The only hope she has force is it may be and you are Taking her head out of the sand pulling it pulling it viciously Forcing her to open her eyes And glare at the burning sun that is inexcusable That is bullying that is horrible in many ways. You're no better Than her abuser. She says to herself Don't go there Don't attempt to become a rescuer or a fixer or a savior Because your target the victim of narcissistic abuse. She doesn't want to be fixed. She doesn't want to be saved She doesn't want to be rescued She wants to wallow in her misery, which she knows best She knows the ropes Everything is predictable Rebuser is manipulable She can survive It is her comfort zone Let her remain comfortable. She says Until she is hit rock bottom and ready for your assistance any any intrusion by you will be perceived as vile cruel and abusive Ironically you may find yourself in the role of the abuser while her abuser Becomes the rescuer and the savior Again watch my video Carpman's drama triangle. It's very instructive Have fun rescuers and saviors and victims oops Almost forgot the most important thing the most critical fallacy. It's when they abuse victim tells you What you call abuse is not abuse. It's proof of love My abuser is abusing me Because he is attached to me because he feels possessive because he loves me Because he is jealous when I look at other men Because he wants to be integrated in my life to the maximum My abuser abuses me because he can't help it or because I provoke him But whenever he does abuse me, it just goes to show how deep his love run How important I am to him? What a critical figure I am in his life The moment he stops abusing me. I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I Feel that I'm not seen better to be abused then to be Ignored better better tension than no attention This is the sixth possibly most critical fallacy Very often when you try to hell and abuse victim They spin a yarn. They create a narrative Which tends to rationalize the abuse justify the abuse minimize the abuse reframe and recast the abuse as a form of love is an expression of limerence and infatuation as a fear of loss or as Momentary lapses and relapses in the abuser's life. Generally. He's a he's a great guy But sometimes he loses control and frankly I may be to blame for that. I Do provoke him Unnecessarily from time to time. I make it happen See what you made me do. He keeps telling the abuse victim the abuser keeps saying see what you made me do and many victims buy into this gas lighting so these are the six fallacies and These are six defensive walls. It's extremely difficult to penetrate them On many occasions abuse victims don't want to be helped They don't even perceive themselves as victims of abuse They perceive you as an intruder is a threat to the equilibrium that they had created with the abuser to the peace of mind and Peaceful life so they think and so be ready Be ready for to be rejected be ready to be insulted Be ready to be attacked if you try to help what you perceive to be a victim of abuse Because she may have an entirely different view of how things stand