 My lipstick is patchy as fuck. Don't let me drown. Um, basically I'm about to go to bed and I'm filming this, well as I announced on Twitter we recently hit 4.3k on YouTube. I'm so sorry about my lipstick, I know it's everywhere. I'm announcing a giveaway today, basically I'm going to be doing a mental health crisis box giveaway, which if you don't know I sell on Etsy, I'm going to be doing like one box giveaway and you know I'm excited about that. All you have to do to be entered is leave a comment down below, ask a question, anything, just comment something. There's a thumbs up button and one, two, you can follow me on Twitter, which is kind of where I rant and talk about absolutely everything and yeah, that's that. The giveaway will end once I've moved into my new place, so you've got a mile, it's fine. All you have to do to enter, like I said, is leave a comment down below and yeah, or something, like ask a question, request a video, I don't know, just comment something. You know, I get lonely, I don't go out pretty much, I'm going out tomorrow, which is like, you know, a thing. I've got my phone, I need to stop going off. So yeah, today I wanted to kind of talk a little bit about, you know, eating disorders as a body image and the very simple fact that eating disorders don't have a look, that you can't look like you have an eating disorder. Eating disorders could look like any kind of disordered eating and there are so many videos online about all the different types of eating disorders and I'm not going to sit here and bore you to death with that. However, personally I'm diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified and while I was in secondary school, slash high school, slash under the age of 16, I was diagnosed with anorexia and I didn't eat at all, like I literally blacked out in a science classroom because I didn't eat. So yeah, that's my history with eating disorders. I'm currently diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified and to manage that I drink n-sure drinks which if you don't know are a food supplement slash weight gain thing and then my quittaiapine dose got increased and to anyone who is unfamiliar with quittaiapine it's notoriously known for being the one drug that causes a hell of a lot of weight gain and believe me, I've kind of learned this. It makes you so hungry, like when I take it in the evening I get so hungry and then I fall asleep but my issue was is I was giving into the cravings so I put on a load of weight and then like in the last two months I've dropped like 10 kilograms which is quite a lot really considering you know I'm only five foot two. That's where I have so much struggle like struggle trying to like stand and make videos because I'm so sure. A few troll comments on Twitter and yes I know I don't give into trolls or whatever you know I don't care. They got said and yes well they said triggered me but that's a whole video. Basically they was like oh you're too fat to have an eating disorder me. While I know I am bigger than I used to be I am not overly like I'm like what 50 something kilograms? I don't know exactly what it is. I don't really want to check you there because I'm trying to avoid getting into the habit of that's a really unhealthy like habit and oh my god my phone. Oh my phone does not stop going off. When it comes to people being like oh you're too fat or you could do it having an eating disorder it gets to me because I'm just like since when does an eating disorder have a weight? It has to be diagnosed with anorexia you have to be a certain amount below a healthy weight and yes that is very true but it's not the only eating disorder. There is such a big misconception as well of eating disorders that you can only have an eating disorder if you're underweight and there are so many eating disorders. A few on the top of my head are obviously EDNIS, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder. I can't think of any others on the top of my head but you know eating disorders are basically disordered eating so it kind of they manifest themselves differently in people and for me I'm very I'm very prone to just not eating like I'll binge eat and then I just won't eat and it's so unhealthy and please if you do that get support get help. I am very fortunate in the respect that I do have a GP at the moment who looks out for me and when I was in London the mental health team kept an eye on it. I have to avoid like getting myself too worked up about my because I used to be like so stressed and I'd check it like three four times a day and I would cry if the number went up in a day and to anyone who doesn't know anything about weight you gain weight throughout the day because your body kind of you know does its thing in the day so in the morning you're actually like more likely to be lighter than you are in the evening and the issue I had is I was checking consistently throughout the day multiple times a week and I got so obsessed with the numbers and it is so hard to deal with and live with and move on from like I'm nowhere near recovered when it comes to food. I struggle so much with it. I don't find eating in public easy. I can eat with friends or my family but if I'm on my own I won't buy food out. I get very afraid of people judging me and it is a major problem. Like I openly accept this like if people start to like attack me or judge me then I will respond and I will defend myself. Like no one has a right to attack anyone in my opinion and especially when it comes to weight like I don't understand people who go out of their way to put others down about how they look. Like yes you know weight is weight and no one knows what that person is going through so when I get comments that are like oh you're fat or you know you don't have any sort of you're overweight then kind of things really gets me because I'm just like I literally nearly died because of my eating disorder and I would link the video in the description but I kind of deleted everything. I decided that I didn't want to listen to like 16 year old me anymore on here so I deleted all the videos but when I was really underway I made a video while I was in hospital because I collapsed and I was told that day that if I didn't you know change anything that I was gonna end up dead and getting told that at any point about anything is so so hard and I wish I could go back in time and you know not start restricting and skipping meals because once you start skipping meals it's so easy to be like oh I'll be alright a bit longer and I got to a point where I just I wouldn't eat unless someone made me and even then I wouldn't eat it. Like I feel so bad about what I put my mom through and all that I feel bad about you know the idea that you know I could have died and then my sister would have been left dealing with that like I hate myself for it because I care so much about my sisters and I always will like they are a rock and the older younger sister who is 40 and I don't know where I'd be right now like I say a lie because I want to put them through loss and that sounds really bad and I don't mean for it do they are keeping going and when I start to restrict I always try and you know kick the habit or I go speak to a doctor or I go speak to a consultant I speak to the therapist and recently I start I never used to use diet pills. I tried some and I started using them when I was in my third admission this year which was the Park Rail admission. I'm very obsessed with it and it's still something I'm dealing with now like I still have them and they have helped like I hate saying that I literally hate saying that but they've helped me a lot with losing weight and mainly because I take metabolism boosters because a lot of my medication slows down metabolism I know this my doctors know this and metabolism boosters I'm beswerved but the weight loss tablets I'm not you can buy them over the counter I actually got these off the internet because I didn't want to go into a shop but I don't advise anyone takes weight loss tablets because they can be like you get so addicted to the weight loss and I like I have to be very careful I get very obsessed with numbers and it's hard you guys like it's so hard because you're just like oh right I'm using great and all these people say wouldn't work and they do and that's kind of where I'm at currently I have just dropped a significant amount of weight and you know you guys can probably tell I did gain a lot of weight and I was really unhappy with it I know it's like not a big number but I'm only five foot two and I've never been anything above 50 like I was always around 50 and then I hit 66 I was like oh my god like I got so upset and so down but even then I was like I can't just stop eating and I didn't really know what to do so I gave weight loss tablets ago I mean they were I think unless like I mean I am being more active now I don't know like the thing is when you're dealing with depression as well as like everything like you don't want to get out of bed you don't want to go to a shop and you can't you just physically can't and you know that's the loads of us go through and I still deal with this now like it's there are days when I'm just like I can't move like I just I just can't and I'm not ashamed to say that you know we're all human we all have things going on you know what my depression has been really bad recently and you know that's okay it's not the end of the world I'm actually a point where I can deal with it better like I know to ask my GP to increase my medication if I need it and you know I'm not afraid twice and maybe it just comes to experience I don't know I feel like a kind of a bit of a ramble here but I thought this is an important video to make but yeah I'm gonna end this video here and like I said at the beginning the giveaway is going to be going on until I move into my new place which is on the 7th of September and I'm so excited like I cannot wait to be back in London get me out of town please someone I will pay money like if I could start my tenancy earlier and there's a reason why I moved away and he's a fun fact I was going through Twitter earlier and I realized that I've been getting trolled by people from my secondary school since secondary school and you've got to remember I'm 21 now this ended like 2016 like in 2016 I just not 16 sorry 2014 yikes that's scary 2014 five years ago five years ago I left secondary school and people have been going at me not in large group but I there was a username I don't recognize that username it's this is one of the og troll used to troll me back in the day like I first moved to uni and a second year of college they were at me then and it's been going on since and I had no idea who this person was cuz I didn't bother looking through the word I just bought them on YouTube you know and then I was on Twitter I was like over fucks sake I've been such a naive idiot to think that it was just gonna stop once I left and he recently that I've kind of been like informed that it's still going on for the fact I don't actually use Facebook anymore really that the worst way to get hold of me and I just thought I'd chill a little story because when I read it I was like oh my god I'm an idiot my phone is going off yes I'm gonna end this video here if you are new here maybe hit the subscribe button I make videos pretty much every day I am there on holiday next week so it was if you want to keep up to date with me go follow me on my Twitter I post on that literally what I am okay it's a problem yeah that's all I've got for you guys today so yeah bye I don't know I don't do painting I don't like art I didn't fail in school because I couldn't be asked about but hey now again another story for another video