 The Jack Benny program transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Lucky, taste better! We find the tobacco cleaner, fresher, smoother, luckier, luckier, luckier, luckier, luckier, lucky strike, we find the tobacco, lucky strike, we find the tobacco cleaner, fresher, smoother, better get a carton, better get a carton, better get a carton today! Hello friends, this is Don Wilson. You know that college cheer represents a lot of smoking cheer on campuses all over the country. Yes, indeed. Because the nationwide survey based on actual student interviews in 80 leading colleges reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette. But that's not all. The survey also shows luckies gain far more smokers than the nation's two other principal brands combined. More important still, the reason most often given by students for smoking luckies was Lucky's better taste. Yes, luckies do taste better because LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. And luckies are made better, made round and firm and fully packed to taste cleaner, fresher, smoother. So make your next carton Lucky Strike and you'll agree, Lucky's better taste is something to cheer about. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, cleaner, fresher, smoother, smoother. Better get a carton, better get a carton, better get a carton today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, the sportsman quartet and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, it's morning in Beverly Hills and as we look in on the Benny household, we find Jack just entering the kitchen. Hmm, Rochester must have overslept again. I'll go wake him up and have him fix my breakfast. I don't know why it is, but every time I give him a day off, the next morning he oversleeps. It's the second time that's happened this year. Oh well, I might as well let him sleep and fix breakfast myself. Now let's see, where does Rochester keep the coffee? I'll try this cupboard here. Now, it's filled with ideal dog food. I'll try this one. Now, this one's filled with ideal dog food too. Maybe it's in this cupboard. Hmm, more ideal dog food. There's no doubt about it, I'll either have to get a dog or stop mentioning that stuff on my program. Well, I can't find the coffee, I'll just have to wake Rochester. Rochester, it's time to get up. Rochester, Rochester, get up. I'll take this feather duster and tickle his chin. Honey, it's your got a long eye, ladies. Rochester, get up. Do you, Mr. Benny? Yes, it's me, honey, and I want my breakfast. Boss, I'm sorry you woke me up when you did. I was having the most wonderful dream. I know, you were dreaming about a girl. Yeah, we were going to get married and you offered me a fifty dollar raise. I offered you a fifty dollar raise? Uh-huh, and just as you were giving it to me, you woke me up. Oh. That's the third time it's happened. I know, I know, you told me. Once I dream you were cutting my salary and you let me sleep till four in the afternoon. It was just a coincidence. Anyway, I'll answer the door, Rochester, you get dressed to make my breakfast. Yes, sir. Hello, Polly. Oh, you're still sulking, huh, Polly? Coming, coming. Hello, Jack. Oh, Mary, come on in. I was just talking to your neighbors, the Coleman's. Oh, Ronnie and Benita? Yes, I passed their house. Benita was sweeping the porch and Ronnie was cleaning the windows. Benita and Ronnie were doing their own housework? Yes, they told me their butler quit. Their butler quit, why? They said they have to live next to you, he doesn't. He'll be back, he's run away before, you know. Oh, hello, Polly. Come on, Polly. Speak, speak. Jack, what have you been feeding this bird? It wasn't my fault, Mary. She happened to find a can opener. What? Nothing, nothing. Come in. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hi, Dennis. What are you doing around here? Oh, I'm thinking of moving. I've been looking at houses all day. Oh, you want to buy a house? Yeah. How much would you take for this one? Oh, don't be silly, Dennis. My house isn't for sale. I know, but if it were for sale, how much would you take? Well, hey, let me see. See, it's in the best part of Beverly Hills and I have an acre of land, 12 rooms, a swimming pool. Oh, I'd ask about $100,000. I wouldn't have this dump if you gave it to me. Look, Dennis, I don't want any trouble with you. You asked me how much my house was worth. I told you $100,000. Does the price include the Venetian blinds? Yes, also the drapes and the carpets. Anyway, Dennis, what's wrong with the house you're living in now? You just moved in. I know, but it's too inconvenient. Inconvenient? Yeah, in order to get to the bedroom, you have to go through the furnace. Well, that I don't understand at all. Dennis, what kind of a house are you looking for? Oh, sort of a ranch house, you know, everything on one floor. How many rooms? Well, I'd like two bedrooms, a den, a living room, and a kitchen. How about a bath? No thanks, I had one this morning. Why do I always get trapped into these things? Mary talks to him, she gets a sensible answer. I ask a sensible question. What do I get? Abbott and Costello. Dennis, are you just looking for a house in Beverly Hills? No, they're so hard to find. I've been looking everywhere. Hollywood, Burbank, Encino, Brentwood, but I haven't been able to find one. Really? So now I'm going to try and find a house in Washington, D.C. Washington, D.C.? Dennis, why in the world would you... No, no, no, Mary, no. Mary, no. Huh? Look, it's bad enough that he traps me. I'm not going to let him make a fool out of you. Dennis, let me hear the song you're going to do on this week's program. Yes, sir. But, Jack, I want to know why in the world he would go to Washington, D.C. to... Mary, please, I'm doing this for your own good. Sing, Dennis. Okay. Now, don't ask any questions. Mr. Benny, Mr. Benny. Huh? Did you like my song? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, kid, I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else. Well, I got to go look for a house now. Goodbye, Mary. Bye. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Huh? Oh. Oh, goodbye, Dennis. What are you thinking about? Well, I wanted to ask Dennis. No, no, I'm glad I didn't. Oh, I can't stand it anymore. I've got to do it. Dennis, Dennis, come back here. Oh, yes, Mr. Benny. Dennis, what makes you think you can find a house in Washington, D.C.? Eisenhower did. No, no! That's me. I couldn't let well enough alone. I've got to be running along, too. I couldn't stand it. I've got to be running along, too. By the way, don't forget to send a wire congratulating Amos and Andy on their 10,000 broadcasts. I did. Imagine Amos and Andy, their 10,000 broadcasts. Say, Mary, haven't I been on the air that long? No, Jack, it just seems that way. I had asked for your information. There's the phone. Excuse me a minute. Well, I've got to be running along. Okay, goodbye. Hello? Hi, Jack. Who's this? Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. I didn't recognize your boys. What is it? Well, I'm having a few of the boys over for a friendly game of poker tonight, and I thought maybe you'd like to join us. Well, what stakes do you play for? Five and 10. Five and 10? That's a little too steep for me. Oh, no, no, Jack, not five and 10 dollars, five and 10 cents. Well, that's what I thought you meant. Well, Bob, who's going to be in the game? Well, just some of the musicians, Jack. We've got Bagby, Fletcher, Remly, Sammy the drummer, Kimmick, and Arturo Toscanini. Arturo Toscanini? Do you mean... Oh, no, this is another one. He slaps a bass for Wingy Mino. Oh, it confuses everybody. Well, I should imagine, huh? Well, how about it, Jack? Could you come on over tonight? Well, I don't know, Bob. I might drop around for some laughs, you know. Oh, that's well. We'll be playing out by the pool. We'll all be in our swimming trunks. Wait a minute, Bob. Won't the boys be cold and nothing but trunks? Yeah, but they won't play. They won't play cards with each other, wearing anything that has pockets or sleeves. You've caught on to these guys already, haven't you? You're not kidding. Well, Bob, maybe I'll drop over, even if it's just for a laugh. Okay, I'll see you later. Bye. So long, Bob. Oh, say, Jack, what goes with Dennis Day? What do you mean? Well, he was over to see me last night. He wants to buy my house. Did he offer you a good price? Yeah, but I turned it down. Why? Well, he wanted me to include my Venetian blinds, rapes, and children. What a kid. So long, Bob. Bye, Jack. That kid Dennis will drive everybody crazy and he finds a house. Say, boss, I've got your breakfast ready. Bring it in the den. I might sit around for a while and read. Okay. I don't know, these days with radio and television, I haven't been reading very much. A lot of good books here, too. Let's see, here's one. The Spice of Variety, edited by Abel Green. Out of the Blue by John Crosby. He's the radio columnist. Spindletop by James Clark. Oh, here's a new book that just came out. That's what I like about the South. By Dwight Eisenhower. Here's another. It takes all kinds by Maurice Zalotto. Oh, here's, let's see this one. The Cosmic Effects of Nuclear Fission on Psychological Aberrations. Oh yes, that was given to me for Christmas by Frank Remley. Let's see, I don't know what book to read. Oh, here's one. The Purple Pirate. Gee, that ought to be good. So many pirate pictures out now. Yankee Buccaneer, The Crimson Pirate, The Golden Hawk. I think I'll read this one. The Purple Pirate, Chapter One. I am a pirate. My name is Captain Morgan. As my story opens, we had been at sea almost a year. My ship had just captured a rich prize. A schooner, homeward bound from the Orient and laden with cargo. We transferred her cargo to our hold and the crew lined the rail and watched as we prepared to send the captured vessel to the bottom. All right, gunners. We're gonna sink her. Player. She's sinking fast, Captain. Good. Tell me, Red Robert, did we get much booty? It was a rich haul, Captain. 100 bolts of silk, 50 barrels of rare spices, 10 sacks filled with gold and four cases of ideal dog food. Fine. My supply was running low. That isn't all the loot, sir. Small sack of diamonds, some rubies, and best of all, a woman's dress. A woman's dress? What's so wonderful about that? Oh, you ought to see what's in it. You mean we've captured a woman? Yes, sir, and we also captured the captain of that ship. Good. Bring him to me. Aye, aye, sir. In a few minutes, both the captain and the girl were standing before me. I looked them over very carefully for a long time. Finally, I spoke. Which one of you is the captain? He is, of course. There was no doubt about it. I'd been away from land too long. As I stood there, the schooner's gruff captain turned to me and spoke. Are you the captain of these pirates? Yes. Are you responsible for blowing my ship to bits? Yes. Did you make some of my men walk the plank? Yes. Did you hang all the rest of them? Yes. Do you think that was nice? No. Next time. I sent him below, then I turned my attention to the girl. She was wearing a tight skirt, a yellow sweater, and a large button that said, I like Louie the 14th. As she stood before me, I remembered the superstition of the sea. A woman aboard a pirate ship is an omen of bad luck. I was in a predicament. Should I keep her aboard in risk mutiny or make her walk the plank? I decided to flip a coin. Head, she stays. Tail, she walks the plank. What is your name, my pretty wench? Marie Antoinette, Crestview 7, 3808. What? If a man answers, it's my sister Babe. I haven't! The crew was so happy over the rich prize we had captured, they didn't mind a woman being aboard. And that evening as we sailed the Cropical Sea near the full moon, they even gathered around the quarter deck and began to sing. We're a motley scurvy crew and the ships we've sunk are many but the bravest one is true is our gallant Captain Benny. He likes to fight or rump us he'll even box the compass for fun he likes to dump us in the ocean blue. We're like an LSMFT for it's a favorite smoke and sea whose praise a sailor loudly chants and so do his sisters and his cousins and his aunts but first he will tear them and compare them and he'll share them with his sisters and his cousins and his aunts. We would rather have a lucky strike than a solid gold marlin spike we will stick to luckies and take no chance and so will our sisters and our cousins and our aunts we all think luckies are really great and so does the captain and the boss and then the maid. We'd rather have them than pieces of bait so would our uncle and our brother and our mother and our mother always seem to want another lucky strike. We'd scarring the sea and then our luck went bad we sighted no more ships our supplies ran low the men were in a mutinous mood they became surly and refused to obey orders and then suddenly we were attacked by the most ruthless of all French pirates Dennis Lafitte. Red Robert get the men to their battle station. Aye aye sir, Bagby, Remly, Fletcher, Kimmich, man your guns. Hmm. It's no use captain, it's no use. The men are revolting. Would you repeat that? Hurt hadn't been with us long or he never would have thrown a feed line like that. The battle went badly and we suffered heavy casualties. Finally to save lives I decided to surrender. I grabbed a white flag and started to wave it. Hey give me those bags. I'm sorry miss but this is no time to be doing your laundry. We were taken prisoner and immediately locked in the dark hold of the ship for three days we didn't see our cruel captor. Dennis Lafitte didn't kill his prisoners by making them walk the plank. Oh no, he was too cruel for that. He would make you stick your head through a hole in the canvas while his crew lined up and threw baseballs at you. This wasn't so bad but the men behind you with those darts were murdered. Finally on the fourth day he ordered me and the girl to be brought to him as we stood trembling before Lafitte the terror of the seven seas. He said You and the presence of the great Lafitte kneel you pig. Yes sir. Good now you kneel too. Yes sir. I'd love to play as a leap frog. What are your plans for us Lafitte? You had to ask me. What are your plans for us Lafitte? For you more captain you have the choice of joining me or dying. Well I'll join you. Do I still retain my rank as captain? Captain. You fool you'll be my slave. A slave? I'd rather die first. You don't know us Englishmen very well. All right you die. Are you going to kill her? You don't know us Frenchmen very well. What? I shall marry the girl and make her the pilot queen. She will be my wife, my sweetheart. And now I kiss her. She'd rather die first. You keep out of it. I was in a predicament. Either I became Lafitte's slave or I walked the plank. I didn't know what. I didn't know what. Right. Dorba's right in the most interesting part. I can't even read a book around here. Rochester. Oh darn it. Coming. Coming. Mr. Benny. Yes. I'm from Beacon's Van and Storage Company. We got two truckloads to unload here. Furniture? No, I deal dog food. Well put it in the swimming pool. The garage is full. Friends every minute, day and night your fire starts. And in nine out of ten cases, most fire start because someone was careless. Don't let that someone be you. Be sure your electrical wiring is properly installed. Put cigarettes and matches out before you discard them. Be on guard constantly against fire. Remember only you can prevent fire. Jack will be back in just a moment. The first. Lucky. He's striking spine. He's striking spine. He's striking cleaner. He's striking spine. He's striking spine. He's striking cleaner. Better get a carton. You know friends it's only natural for lucky smokers to be enthusiastic about the cigarette that tastes so much better. And luckies do taste better. That's because L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, mild and naturally good tasting tobacco. What's more, you enjoy the full flavor of that fine tobacco because luckies are packed full and firm. Made better in every way to taste cleaner, pressure, smoother. No wonder so many college students are voicing their preference for luckies. Remember a nationwide survey in 80 leading colleges based on actual student interviews reveals that more smokers in these colleges prefer luckies than any other cigarette. And remember that luckies gain far more smokers than the nations two other principal brands combine. But most of all remember the number one reason the students gave for smoking luckies. Better taste. So friends, get the better taste that only fine tobacco and a better made cigarette can give you. Be happy. Go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky strike. Be happy. Go lucky. Go lucky strike today. Ladies and gentlemen I want to congratulate my good friends Freeman Goson and Charlie Carell better known to the entire world as Amos and Andy for today are celebrating their 10,000 radio broadcasts. Man, they must be loaded. Good night, folks. Jack Benny program is written by Sam Perron, Milk Josephsburg, George Balzer, John Packaberry and produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Jack Benny program is brought to you by Lucky Strike, product of the American Tobacco Company, America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes. Now stay tuned for the Amos and Andy show which follows immediately on the CBS Radio Network. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.