 Today, we're gonna talk about when men go silent in a relationship. Now I wanna differentiate silence between a temporary non-communication versus going into what's known as the silent treatment. I don't know if you were like me, my mother used to give me the silent treatment when I was growing up. Whenever my mother was upset with my father, was upset with my brother, she would virtually go silent. And as a little boy, I know that that was a terribly excruciating, it was very painful to have the person you love go silent. And that actually shaped my life as an adult. Whenever I don't experience communication on a regular basis, I go into a sense of fear, I go into a sense of anxiety. And while my rational mind knows that there's nothing wrong, the little kid inside of me feels like I did something wrong, okay? So if you've ever experienced this, if you can relate to this, please write a comment, let me know, I can relate to this. That's for people that go into the silent treatment. And those are people that typically need time to process their emotions. And for some people, that's their regulatory system to go. My mother used to go silent for 72, for three to four days, 72 hours, I was gonna say, or longer. Whereas some people might need a shorter period of time to process their emotions, each person is different, some people could go weeks. Okay, now let's talk about what it means in the dating, mating or relating realm. Those are, you know, what I talked about was a seasoned relationship with my mother, but what about those of you that are just beginning a relationship with a man? Okay, I'm gonna share something very personal and I'm not very proud of this. And I can vividly remember this time, before I got married, I met a woman, I think we met at a club. That, you know, does anyone remember actually meeting people in clubs or meeting in restaurants or bars versus our current methodology of meeting people? But I met this woman, we really hit it off, we went out on a date, we had a really good time, we went out on another date and we actually slept together, okay? And then for whatever reason, and she lived, she didn't live nearby. I mean, there was a little bit of a slut to get to her. I mean, it was about an hour drive, okay? For whatever reason, I wasn't up for seeing her again. I can't tell you why this happened. I can't tell you what caused me not to want to see her again. But I remember we had planned a date and I went MIA. I didn't call, I didn't do any, you know, I didn't, back then there was no text messaging. If I could have, I probably would have text message. But I blew her off and she called my house a couple of times, went into the answering machine. And for whatever reason, I was paralyzed to communicate with her. I literally remember being so afraid to say, I'm just not that into you anymore. And now looking back at it, I can see why this happened. I can see that now it was so inappropriate to have sex so early on with a person I didn't know very well, to have sex with someone that trust hasn't been built and certainly no commitment was built between us. I was operating the way I was taught that men are hunters and men love the chase. Well, ladies, when you hear this, that men are hunters and men love the chase, what is it that we're chasing? Are we chasing a fully committed relationship? Now, back in my 20s, I was, but for whatever reason, she wasn't the one. I finally did communicate with her and I gave some BS excuse, okay? How many men give BS excuses now? The number one BS excuse today that men give is I'm busy, busy, busy, I'm busy with work. I'm busy with my children, I'm busy with this, I'm busy with that. I am too busy to be in a relationship. Well, you weren't that busy enough to wanna have sex with me. And again, I'm not proud of my behavior back in the day. I'm just recognizing that one of the fundamental pieces that is missing in relationships today or for the most part, what I've observed is sex happens well before trust and commitment have been established. That's right, sex happens well before trust and commitment. Now, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as my own? Does this person have my best interest at heart? And commitment is kind of a vague term today because quite frankly, it used to be if you wanted to have sex, you had to get married, okay? That was a full commitment. Now commitment could just be simply the agreement to monogamy and exclusivity. That's a form of commitment. You can call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and yet you can change your mind at any given time. So how do, so, all right, now let's go back to men going silent. In the early stage of dating, that's just a clear decision. You're not the one, okay? You're not the one. And I mean, and the fact is, is when we jump into bed quickly, we take the risk of jumping into bed with someone we haven't really established trust. And so when it happens really early in the dating process, that's the gamble we take or people take, okay? And this is true for women as well. Okay, I mean, I'm saying women can go silent on men as well. A woman could decide after sex she's not interested in a man. So it can go both ways. What happens when it's a seasoned relationship? In other words, you've been dating for three or four or five months. A man goes silent. Well, that's what I wanna lean into today. Now first, it's critically important that you've established a strong friendship by the third month mark. And by the third month, if you haven't accumulated 200 hours of face-to-face time with each other, okay, you haven't really developed the deep roots of trust with one another. And I know many of you are dancing in long distance relationships or you have long distance text relationships. I can't begin to tell you how many folks are in long distance text relationships with people believing it's a relationship. Look at it as Jay Shetty says, it takes about 40 hours of face-to-face time just to begin to get to know someone. I always say it takes 100 hours of face-to-face time just to build the first layer of trust and about 200 hours of face-to-face time to begin to develop a friendship. And by the way, this needs to happen in a short period of time because to establish those deep roots of trust, it's going to happen through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. So what happens is when you've established a solid friendship with one another, a man is less likely to go silent. So if he does go silent, it's most likely means he's processing his feelings about something and he doesn't know how to articulate it. And this is where you come in. You can simply say, and I've had clients do this, shoot out a text, simply saying, hey, Tim, just want you to know how much I appreciate you in our relationship. And yet at the same time, my gut is telling me that there's something that you're having a reservation with respects to us because I haven't heard from you. Is my gut telling me the truth? By taking an action and calling, I don't want to say calling them out, but inviting a conversation, you will most likely find 90% of men will actually respond with some level of truth. Now, most likely he'll give you the BS line, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. Okay, that's the narrative most human beings use is that I'm busy or there's things going, I've got challenges in my life. I got things going on with work, I got things going on with my kids. Okay, that's the typical narrative. This is why when you're actively in the dating marketplace, you have to establish what is the foundation of his life? Does his life feel solid? Now, when I mean by solid, I'm talking about physically solid, but more importantly, emotionally solid. So, if he's just gone through a contentious divorce, chances are he's not emotionally solid. If some woman broke up with him in the last year or two, there's a chance he might not be emotionally solid. Does he have issues going on at work? You have to determine is his life in a sense of chaos or is it, is the ground underneath him solid? And this isn't just physically solid, it's emotionally solid. You know, ladies, many of you find your, I recently in a video yesterday, I said how dating today is just a long strung out version of friends with benefits. But the reality is, is you're not really that friendly with each other. And I want you to think about a friend. A friend is there for you when something, when you need them. You have a flat tire, you're sick and you need some chicken soup. You need a friendly person to talk to because you're feeling down. God dang it, my nose is at you because the fan is on. Now it just occurred to me why that happens. Okay, a friend is there for you in need. And yet many of you are even having sex with men on an occasional basis, believing you're in a friendship. When he might gen, he might care about you, but will he be there for you during the tough times? Folks, I'm here to establish an alternate way of approaching the dating process. And that is using my technique, I talk about my private coaching. By the way, here's a link to get a schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Is first to establish your standards. Establish your standards. And most of you focus on what you don't want. And I'm here to say you really need clarity on who's truly compatible with you. And then in the early stage of dating, you adopt of what I call radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. The rules of engagement means to establish your standards, whatever that standard is. My standard was I was looking for a relationship where we spent three, four days, nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that led to either moving in together or getting married. Okay. Now, since I did a long distance relationship, there's a picture of my sweetheart and I, we went to a wedding from a couple that met on match.com and that's where Marie and I met was on match.com. We had long distance. So what did we do? We planned a lot of time together, a lot of time together. In fact, in a 90 day period, no, excuse me, in a hundred day period, we spent 45 days together. That was almost once every other day, cumulatively speaking. Okay. That's a lot of time together. We amassed over 200 hours of face to face time doing those social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. And then we chose to move in together after five months. Okay. Folks, I'm here to say, spending a lot of time together in a concentrated period of time gives you a sense of who this person is. And yet many of you are silent and you don't speak up. Do you know what it's, it fascinates me how many women say honest communication is the most important thing in a relationship. And yet you are silent when it comes to speaking your truth. If you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self love? Anyway, a journey of personal development, self love and spiritual work, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. While I'm sharing this with you as chapter one, speak your truth, just do it in a kind way. And chapter nine is if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And yet many of you are silent because you're afraid to lose a guy if you ask for more. Guess what? Asking for more is usually just asking to come to the 50 yard line. I want you to think about this for a second. You're standing on the 50 yard line, he's standing on the 20 yard line in this relationship. You're just asking him to meet you at the 50 yard line, but many of you believe like, oh my God, that's asking for way too much, it will scare him away. I'm here to say you want to scare the wrong guys away by speaking up. And yet many of you are also silent on speaking up. So this isn't singular to men, why men go silent. You go silent as well by not speaking up. This is a human behavior thing. Because the reality is is humans fear intimacy, humans fear, not fear intimacy. And I'm talking about emotional intimacy. Many humans are emotionally constipated. And in addition, they are unfamiliar with what intimacy is. If you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend reading this book so you can understand intimacy. In addition, I highly recommend getting two more books. Read the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, so you can learn how to communicate your feelings in a way that can be seen, heard and understood. But Jonathan, all you do is recommend books. Look, I'm not the expert in all this stuff. I'm just here to espouse what I've learned over the years that actually helps people. And these books are great resources for helping you become a better version of yourself. Listen, this isn't easy. Dating isn't easy. It's incredibly hard. Do you know what dating is? Dating is a vetting process to determine if it makes sense to explore a relationship with someone. In fact, I invite you all. Can you make a promise to me right now? Jonathan, I am gonna become my own matchmaker right now. I'm gonna do a better job of vetting a person early on. But Jonathan, I'm told I'm not supposed to interview men. You have every right to ask as many questions as you see fit if this person is pursuing you sexually. Even if he's pursuing you non-sexually, you have every right to ask as many questions as you want. And if you're fearful it's gonna turn a guy off. Let me just say this. You're only scaring a guy who's not legit. Does that really matter if he's not legit? Do you really care that you scared him off? Do you care that it's a turn off? Look it, I understand dating is a dance. And we have to operate from a place of being both interesting and interested. Developing a sense of attraction. I get that. That's important too. This is why a lot of this can happen on the telephone somewhere between either before the first date but certainly before having sex with someone. You have every right to... So let me say when I talk about radical honesty laying on your carrots on the table and rules of engagement. The rules of engagement is to express to a man what are the standards you seek for being in a relationship with someone? And yet many of you, when you hear the word relationship from a guy, he says, oh, he wants a long-term relationship. Well, ask him, what does that mean to him? And what does it more importantly look like for him? Actually pull out, say, okay, great. I want a long-term relationship too. Well, listen, before you get to get inside my panties here's a calendar, an old-fashioned calendar. Show me how dating will look for you during this period of time. Number one, what does it look like for you? How often do you wanna see someone? Ask him these questions. And more importantly, ask him how long it takes for him to build trust with someone. He's gonna go, I don't know, Shaggy, I don't know. Yeah, cause men are rather clueless. So you establish your standard, that's the rules of engagement before you get physically intimate someone. You do the laying your cards on the table. You find out as much as you can about this person's past relationship experience. You be a detective. You be an interrogator. And I don't mean you interrogate someone. It's a conversation, it's not a confrontation. Okay, but you ask as much and radical honesty saying, look, I operate from vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Is this sinking in, folks? Please let me know if this is sinking in. I invite you all to start changing how you begin the dating process at the same time. If a man does go silent on you, you simply ask him in a very nonviolent way. By the way, it's called nonviolent because we oftentimes have a confrontational way of communicating, but I invite you all to ask in a very compassionate way. I feel you pulling, my gut is telling me you're pulling back, is my gut right? I'm gonna share with one last story and then we'll jump into Q and A. So I was briefly in a relationship a couple of years before I met Marie. And it was some woman I liked, but I had my doubts, okay? I was like, I wasn't feeling like we were that close, but I recognize it takes time to get to know someone. And sure enough, in three weeks after we saw each other about 10 times, she only lived three or four miles away from me, I just got this sense that we weren't right for each other. So I pulled back a little bit and I just didn't plan a date. I didn't initiate conversation. And she reached out and said, hey, I noticed you pulling back, what's up? Then it created an opportunity for me to say, I'm just not feeling it. See, here's the thing, folks, sometimes, we just don't know why we don't feel it. It's the thing is love is this intangible. Now a lot of times love is based on childhood wounds and traumas and we oftentimes choose the wrong people for us because we're reliving a childhood wound or trauma. But the reality is that many of us don't know what it's like to be with somebody who genuinely loves you and you genuinely love them. So as we're in this dance of dating, we're oftentimes just clueless and we're uncertain, but what we are certain is if it doesn't feel right, we pull back, that's just a natural thing. Doesn't make any wrong or bad, it just makes them a human being. And in that particular case, when she opened up the door, created a conversation and we ended the relationship. No harm, no foul, we'll do it civilly. And that's ideally what you'd like to have happen if it's not the one that's gonna go the distance. All right, I hope this content resonated with you. I hope it did. If it did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel in the description below or links to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery to follow me on Instagram to get a copy of my book. And again, if you're watching the replay, please hit that super thanks button to give some love and post a comment below. All right, now it's time for Q&A. If you have a question of me, write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a super sticker, super thanks. All the monies from the sticker, super thanks. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's my son who passed away almost five years ago. And in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute, just to name a few. Hey, I wanna give a shout out to one of our members here. Leaf is in the house. I wanna just give her a shout out. These are folks who have joined. If you'd like to be part of my community on YouTube, there's a little join button right by the share button. Join the community. You'll get shout outs and get some love and you'll have private messages as well. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have. Jennifer wrote a comment. I have had guys regret leaving me and I don't take people back. I move on and tell them they lost out on a great woman. Why do men come back? I think when we've experienced someone that we like, but they're not the one, we often feel like we can come back to them because a lot of men just assume women are weak. Jennifer, I'm very proud of you. Now my hope is this isn't a situation where he was genuinely remorseful and there was a real significant established relationship between the two of you. You may want to revisit it, but I understand where you're coming from and you're staying in your power. So well done, Jennifer. Dawn says, you're priceless, Jonathan. I like your character. Well, I appreciate that. Jennifer says, I believe in kind communicating unless a guy is a jerk. Some people need to be put in their place if they are inappropriate, offensive or rude. So I can personally relate to this. I went out with a woman on a first date and it turns out I had alcohol poisoning. I didn't know this until after the fact, but during the date, turns out, oh, well, I thought we had this really good time. We went out and had drinks. We had a good time. I went home. I messaged her the next day and she basically told me off, saying I was an absolute jerk. I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, you were rude, inconsiderate. I'm like, whoa, what happened? Then I had a major hangover that day. And as I reflected back what possibly could happen because in a sense I was blacked out and no memory of it, I believe I had alcohol poisoning. Maybe I had a roofie for all I know. But I had alcohol poisoning in that I was really susceptible to the alcohol. I only remember having three drinks but if I acted drunk and belligerent, I was unaware of it. I apologized to her and then nothing happened. Then some years later, she popped up on my Facebook feed and I reached out and I apologized again. It was very significant that that, and she told me off. And I remember by her telling me off, I actually became more mindful of my drinking. And since then, I am very conscious of alcohol and I only allow myself, the max is three drinks, but usually whenever I drink, I only have one or two drinks now and my friends all think I'm a tea totaler because she told me off. So I'm grateful for that experience. It actually was a wake up call. So sometimes we do need to be told off, hopefully in a nonviolent way, okay? So Jennifer, thank you for posting that. It gave me a chance to share that experience. All right, let's keep swimming here. I like your accent. I was born in the United States. I didn't know I had an accent. Let's see, question about, okay. Someone wrote a question, bear with me. Oh, cupcake, Betty says, you have great stories. Thanks for elaborating. Okay, I don't see a question. By the way, if you have a question folks, write the word question and post the question thereafter. It's easier for me to find. These are sometimes very hard for me to find. Oh, here we go. Jonathan, how about a lust criminal, narcissist, misogynist, pedophile, fantasy chasing, gaslighter, keeping my stuff criminal? It still keeps my stuff. He won't respond to my texts or calls. This sounds like a person you need to block from your life. I mean, and if he has your stuff, listen, I would say things are replaceable. Things are replaceable. Now sometimes we have things that aren't replaceable. And I get that this really sucks, but it's more important to salvage your emotional wellbeing versus your physical things. That's my quick two cents on that one. Block this person from your life. And if you have to go to the police, if this person is crossing boundaries, go to the police, get a restraining order, maybe you could seek legal counsel to get your things back. I know it's a challenging thing, but there's not much you can do with an irrational person. You're going to have to use different means with an irrational person. So thank you so much for posting. Let's see, if you have a question, write the word question. Let's see. Okay, here we go. Sheila writes, question. Where can a guy get, wait, where can a guy get relationship health about vetting women? I share your videos with them. So there are a lot of workshops that people can go to that is for relationships. For example, Barbara DeAngelis, I don't think she still does it, but I would check out her website. Barbara DeAngelis wrote the book, Making Love All the Time. She does workshops for both men and women. I would say going to workshops that are designed for couples and actually listening to the experiences, going to, by the way, Google nonviolent, or do me a favor, go to YouTube and type in nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Type in all the books I recommend in YouTube. There are videos there that can help people learn from the inside out to be better, more emotionally stable human beings. That would be a couple of the suggestions I'd have for men or contact me for private coaching. Rachel says, have you ever caught yourself expecting too much from a partner and realized it? When it happened, were you defensive at first and grew out of it or were you immediately willing to take ownership? So I would say my natural inclination was to get defensive. I believe that because of the trauma I experienced from my mother who used to do silent treatment, I would either get defensive or I would get reactionary. It took me years, actually, when I began doing group therapy, which started in 2014, I would say at least three or four times a year I did group therapy where we had to practice expressing our emotions and then taking ownership for our emotions little by little through this practice, I was able to begin to take ownership of my behavior. Now, I'm still very reactionary. It's funny, my son, there's a picture of Colin right there. It always happens. He's the one I can sometimes have the most contentious communication with and it's always the same. I blow up and then literally text him five minutes later or call him five minutes later saying, I'm sorry. And he goes, I'm used to it now, dad. So we've established this and I'm doing that. By the way, probably in the past, it took me an hour. Now I got it down to one or two minutes or sometimes I even catch myself. This is something you have to practice to take ownership of behavior that is unkind to another. Rachel, thank you for that. All right, Arine says, question, I've been in a six year non-emotional, non-emotional, available relationship. I want to walk away without hurting him, kind of want to ghost him. What do you think? I guess my question is, how would you feel if you were ghosted? I think this is where being an adult in a relationship, folks, oh, here's the book. Folks, the fact that you're even considering ghosting him tells me you're not a grown-up in a relationship. I would read how to be an adult in relationships. Folks, being a grown-up means saying the hard stuff. That's what being a grown-up is. If you want to be treated like a human being, or not a human being, if you want to be treated with respect then treat others with respect. Renee, I'm not a real fan of your thought process here. If this relationship is not what you see, then simply express your thoughts, how you feel about it and tell them that you're gonna take a break or walk away from the relationship, but do it in person if you've been together for six years. I can't tell you how many people are afraid to speak up and let me tell you the reward at the other end of speaking up, it's not about hurting him, you can't hurt him. He can, you can't hurt someone unless you punch them. Then you're hurting someone. If you're expressing your feelings and your boundary is what's okay and what's not okay, it's on him how he reacts to it, okay? That's my two cents on that one, so thank you for that. Let's see, SW, I don't see Kims. By the way, folks, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter. Brooke says, no question, I just wanna thank you for all your videos. They add to my much value. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. Jones says, question. I think I found the right guy except his hygiene. That's not a question, folks, but okay, I'm gonna share the story of the first time Marie came to visit me, she said in a very polite way, she said, Jonathan, there's something I gotta bring up with you. And immediately I reacted because it reminds me of childhood. And she said, I don't think your deodorant is working too well. I'm like, I was so embarrassed. Now, what happened was I had worn a sweatshirt that I'd worn the day before and I went, it was a hoodie. I had a clean t-shirt on underneath, but the hoodie was stinky. And so I was embarrassed. I got a little defensive. I then got up, went to the bathroom, cleaned myself up and she goes, you're fine. And then since then, I bought a better type of deodorant since then. But she was very kind and said, I don't think your deodorant is working too well for you. Find a way to say it in a non-violent way and see how he reacts. How I reacted demonstrated my emotional maturity. And I think we appreciate that we can share with each other even those vulnerable things from a place of love and not from a place of judgment. Hey, I wanna thank Joan for the 99 cents super sticker. Thank you so much. Okay, let's go here. Let's keep swimming. Okay, Tati says, question. A month after I broke up with him, I re-initiated contact because I miss him. Wrong thing to do. Someone said to me the other day, should you go grocery shopping on a hungry stomach? I think if you miss him, you have to really ask yourself, what parts of the relationship did I appreciate and what parts of the relationship did I not appreciate with? Something caused you to break up with him. So the fact that you missed him might be because you're experiencing love attachment. If you're not familiar with love attachment, highly recommend reading the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, read this book so you can understand that you might be attached to the wrong person. So I would explore what were the reasons that caused me to leave this relationship and then ask yourself just because you miss them, is this relationship the right relationship for me? Folks, I'm gonna share something with you. Wait, how long did you date him? Compatibility is a key to relationship success. And many of you, this is why I talk about radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. You have to determine if two people are compatible with one another beyond the physical attraction. Do we share the same values? Are our lifestyles blendable? And more importantly, is this person emotionally mature enough to have the skills to be able to resolve conflicts in relationship and to be able to establish the deep roots of trust? This is why you have to really interrogate people. I say the word interrogate intentionally. I mean, you have to really vet this person for their emotional maturity. Again, if you need help with that, schedule a call with me. All right, Elizabeth writes question. Jonathan, should we wait for them to contact us or should we reach out to them? How would you do this without seeming needy? How do we get them to open up about their feelings? First off, folks, I'm a big proponent that men and women mutually reach out to one another. It's a dance. He sent you a text message, you send him a text message, okay? Now, how do you get him up to open up emotionally? You start by opening up emotionally yourself. You lead by example. One of my dear friends, I love him dearly, but he's not the most emotionally communicative person or at least he wasn't until he was in a relationship with a woman who constantly expressed her emotions and because he liked her, he would listen to how she communicated and eventually he began opening up his emotions. Folks, lead by example, by expressing how you feel about your relationship. Again, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Express your emotions and see how he responds. That's how you get a guy to open up. And if he can, listen, if you don't need a man financially in your life, then the whole point of relationship is emotional intimacy. That's the real juicy delicious. When I say juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship, I'm talking about two people that can dive into the deep end of emotional intimacy. What is emotional intimacy? It's that capacity to be vulnerable with someone, to share. It's funny. My girlfriend and I, we sometimes, we recognize that we have thoughts that could trigger the other person into fear. Our thoughts of this relationship has some chat, but not that a relationship that as the, me, the individual in the relationship has some challenges and I'm not sure I want to impose my challenges on you, emotional challenges. And those thoughts can create fear in the other person. How do you release the fear by talking out your thoughts with the partner under the, listen, under the premise that we're still committed to one another, that we're just merely sharing thoughts. Folks, feelings aren't facts. Feelings are just, in the moment, are emotions like happiness, sadness, anguish, anxiety, depression, joy, bliss. Those are all different feelings and sometimes our thoughts in the moment might be a reflection of a feeling, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to abandon the relationship. So how do you build emotional intimacy? By sharing, by being vulnerable, by being authentic, by being transparent. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, question from Monica. In those hundred days after meeting Marie, you spent 45 days together. Since there was distance, some of those days were on the phone or FaceTime. Okay, great question. So in roughly a hundred days, we spent about 45 days together. First was those two days that we saw each other in Chicago, then there was the four days she came to visit me two weeks after we first met. Then two weeks after that, she came and stayed with me for two weeks. And then two weeks after that, she came for three weeks and we included a vacation there. And then she went to Africa and then I went to visit her. Okay, by the way, I was spitballing the 45 days and 100 days. Okay, what did we do in between? We did telephone calls and we did FaceTime. We actually did WhatsApp, okay? Yeah, we did video chats, we talked on the phone, but at that point, we'd already called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. By the time she left during that visit here, we were all ready boyfriend and girlfriend and we agreed that if this relationship was going to work, that one of us, we need to be in the same city. So by the time she came the second visit here, we'd already established the discussion of living either together or living in the same city. And then by the next visit, it was already established we would move in together at some point, which we did a couple months after that. So yes, we did a lot of telephone calls and FaceTime. Honestly, now it's interesting, she's out of town in Chicago right now. I'll be candid with you. I feel so secure in this relationship. I don't feel the need to talk on the telephone all the time because we already have a deeply rooted relationship. I miss her being here and talking to her, but now that we're apart, I feel like, okay, she's with her family. I'm doing my things, hopefully connecting with my son today. I don't feel a need to talk to her. It doesn't mean I don't miss her. It doesn't mean I don't care, but I don't feel a desperate need because what happens is, this is what I think happens. When a relationship isn't secured, there's a need to have constant communication because you're afraid that God forbid, if you don't communicate one day, it's gonna all implode. That's what a lot of people experience. So the goal is to establish a secure relationship. How do you do that? Spending a lot of time together in a relatively short period of time. Within three months, it's spending as much time together to decide if this is something worth exploring for the long-term or is it gonna be a short-lived relationship? But dating today is like casual. Let me just see you when I want. I just wanna see you when I want. I just wanna see you when I want. In other words, I just wanna have sex with you at my beck and call. That's what's happening in a lot of experiences today. And I'm here to say, ladies, stop it. Don't accept that kind of behavior from men. All right, hope you get to just where I'm going. I don't blame Jonathan. Folks, I'm not proud of my past behavior. I have been inconsiderate. Makes me human. How do we learn? We learn, listen. I think when you've actually recognized that you might have caused someone some anguish or pain and you really recognize that, that's a sign of empathy. And I believe it takes, for some people, it takes longer to others to develop empathy. I don't think I had strong empathy as a child growing up because I had a mother who was emotionally withheld love. And because of that, I became very needy when it came to love. It took me a long time to recognize that to genuinely care about another person's feelings. I think humans oftentimes date very self-serving, not intentionally, it just happens. And I'm not proud of my past behavior. Hopefully I've learned from those experiences in Grom. All right, Maria says question. Met him three weeks after the first date, he texted me sweet text and now didn't even open my text over a week, ghosted. I didn't text him back because he didn't even open my text. I would be careful of that, folks. Let me just say something. Sometimes on, at least I know what, well, you're probably an Apple, but I know with Android, something gets delivered, but it doesn't show red, but it was red. I went to my son, didn't you read my message? Yeah, but it didn't show red. Yeah, unfortunately, you've been ghosted, it happens. Thankfully it's been short-lived, it was only three weeks. All right, Kim writes question. What would cause, Kim writes question. What would cause a man in his early 60s to suddenly decide to want to go to church without ever mentioning it to you during your two-year relationship with him? That's a good question. Why would someone all of a sudden have a spiritual awakening? Something must have happened in his life or there's a reason for him to go to church. Now, you know what's funny? My first reactions, there might be a woman there that he likes and he wants to go impress her. That really sucks if you've been in a two-year relationship. But the other reason could be he wants some level of spiritual awakening and that's a good thing. So why not go to church together would be my invitation in that particular case, Kim. Go to church together. Hey, Leif, I want to give a shout out to one of our members in the group. She has a little symbol right next to her name. That little symbol means she's part of our group here on YouTube, thank you so much. So I'll give you a shout out. D says, please don't ghost. It's not high school mentality, it's junior high mentality. All right, let's keep going here. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after. Here we go, Dorothy writes question. Firstly, is it okay to ask a guy I've been seeing for almost two years to get help for his fear of commitment? Secondly, is there any you can suggest for men he's very private person? Listen, if you two are in a relationship with one another, how about going to a therapist together? How about going to a therapist together? And just say, look, this is my boundary. If our relationship, listen, I appreciate our relationship together and yet it's not fulfilling my needs on an emotional level. If that's something you can't do, I can accept that and I'm willing to move on. But if you'd like to salvage this relationship, let's go to couples counseling together. Now, I'm not saying you say it just like that. I'm giving you kind of a clip note version of how you might say it. But ultimately, I would seek couples counseling to help him open up emotionally. Folks, unless you're dependent upon someone for your financial needs, then you have every right to explore the deeper emotional intimacy in a relationship. And you might take a break, say, look, I'd like to take a break from our relationship for a while. That might cause him to evaluate and appreciate the relationship. That might be another choice as well. So Dorothy, thank you so much for that question. Rachel writes, second question. I understand if you pass as I already asked one. I'm really struggling feeling my emotions. It terrifies me how to ask a therapist to go from CBT, DBT to process emotions. It's very understandable to be afraid of and have fear centered around our emotions. Most of us have difficulty regulating our emotions. I think finding a person you feel safe with, that's the most important thing, to find someone who you feel safe with to express your emotions. And you have to do it little by little by little by little by little by little by little, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. And after a while, as they say, practice makes perfect. It takes time to learn to do this stuff. This isn't easy. Maybe take a two week retreats and go to a retreat center. Actually, I was just talking to my coach the other day. She actually recommended going to a 10 day silent retreat where you're somewhere where you're actually silent for 10 days. That's another option too, you find, and by the way, this stuff bubbles up our emotions like you can't believe going to a retreat center and being silent for 10 days and you're working in a community. I know it might be difficult for some people from a financial perspective, but those are a couple options I would recommend. So Rachel, I'm sending you a lot of love on that one. Everything you say resonates with me, Jonathan. I love listening to you because it just locks into my thoughts your truism. Well, thank you, Marilyn, I appreciate that. Jojica says, Rachel, it shouldn't terrify you to speaking your emotions, then he's not right for you. And if it comes from an insecure work on yourself first. That's true, folks, when it's sincere and from the heart, you really can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Even Marie and I, when we're sharing difficult things, we've established enough trust with one another that it doesn't put us in fear and we feel safe enough to keep digging in, digging in those nooks and crannies where fear does pop up and the best way to heal it is by getting it out. With someone you trust. Okay. Sheila says, you can never say ask a wrong question to the right guy, amen. Thank you so much. Let's see what else we have. Okay, film girl says, question. I grew up with silent treatment experience. I've had to separate myself from them to stop the pain. What will a man think about a woman without family and how do I explain? Great question. You know, reaching a state of neutrality emotionally means you're not triggered by it and you're not joyed by it, okay? You're just in a state of neutrality, okay? How do you explain? You just simply say, while I love my family dearly, I was in a toxic environment. I'm using the term toxic in the sense that my mother or father would give me the silent treatment, my siblings would give me the silent treatment and as a way to set a healthy boundary for myself, I don't actively communicate with our family. As much as I love them and I wish they were part of my life, it seems to me that we can't choose who we're family with. We can choose who we have friends with and we can choose who we love. And while I love my family, you know, from a appreciated, I love my family. I also recognize I love myself enough to know to remove myself from this environment because that's what's important for my emotional well-being. Film Girl, I hope that helps. Seek counseling on that as well, but to explain that to someone, if they're actually a kind, compassionate human being, they'll most likely understand, okay? Film Girl, thank you so much. By the way, leave says watching, but only 11 likes. Please close the chat box for a moment and come back to the show and support. Please give me some love by hitting that like button. All right, if you found value in this, please post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you did find value, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Also, if you need some support in the links below, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Join the group here on YouTube. Follow me on Instagram. Check out the books I recommend and all the other links below. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Gotham Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. Pat the teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Don and CeCe and Dorothy. Thank you for that nice comment and Didi and Leif is in the house and Sheila and Rachel and Renee and Film Girl and Honey, everyone, thank you, Johica. Thank you so much, wishing you a fab day. Be well, take care, bye now.