 The Avenue Costello Program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly-aid tobacco. The Avenue Costello Program with the music of Carl Hoffman, his orchestra, our singing stars Amy Arnell and Bob Matthews, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went cost-filling his Uncle Artie 7's pockets full of dog biscuits because he heard him say he was going to the dogs. Connelly said, what are you so excited about? What's the matter with you? I don't know, Abbott. I'm all mixed up. What do you mean? In my room, I got a big picture of Lauren Bacall on the ceiling. There, yes. On my treasure, I got a picture of Rita Hayward. And on the walls, I got two pictures of Betty Gravel and Yvonne DeCarlo under my pillow. And then I got a picture of Darcy Lamore in her sarong. How are you doing with all those pictures in your room? Well, Lamar is a great actress, naturally, but she'd make a fool of you in two minutes. Yeah. Hey, what play? What play are you doing this year? Me. About me? Yeah. You dummy, there's no play about me. Are you kidding? I'm not kidding. What about... Betty, for 20 minutes? Yep. Then what happened? The curtain goes up and the play starts. No way to write a play. In order to write a play, you've got to collect your data. What was that? Yeah, you've got to collect your data. Where's your data? Grammar. Where's your grammar? By the way, what about me? Do I have a part in the play? Oh, yeah, Abbott. You've got a beautiful part. That's the... Do I have any lines? Oh, yeah. At the last minute and put it on the air tonight, why, the NBC censor has to see and hear it first. The censor? Certainly. What has the censor got to do with my play? Well, your play might contain some naughty words. Here, here. Rabbit. Well, now, wait a minute. I've heard like that after a while. I... You can read your play and I'll pretend that I'm the censor. Now, if I hear one naughty word, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ring this little bell. You see this little bell I have in my hand? If you hear a naughty word. I'll ring it like that. Okay. Now, can you hear that all right? There are about 15,000 doctors from border to border and coast to coast. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Three of America's leading independent research organizations did the asking, and the brand named most was Camel. Well, doctors like all of us smoke for pleasure. Camel's rich full flavor appeals to their taste, and Camel's cool mildness registers with their throats just as with millions of smokers the world over. According to a recent nation-wide survey, doctors smoke Camel's than any other cigarette. Camel's own Bob Matthews sings Nick Kenny's newest hit, Blue. I think all women should spend all their time in the garden. A woman stays in the garden, keeps out of mischief. Didn't help these. Uh, this is luck. I'll ask you if you could let me have the loan of one of your older razor blades. Ah, sorry, Scotty. Now, what are you going to do? Shave? No, laddie, we're having split pea soup for supper, and I haven't got anything sharp enough to split the pea. Thank you, laddie. Well, I'll get back into town. I'll go out and lie doing on the street. You're going to lie down on the street? Aye, laddie, some motorist will think I've been run over and rush me into town. It works every time. Let's go across the hall and talk to Mrs. Niles. Now, she might suggest a leading lady for your play. But be careful now what you say and how you say it. You understand those are kind of dirty, aren't they? I see you taking your fool's dog out for a walk. Oh, pardon me, that's Costello. I said that, Mrs. Niles. I was just about to pay you a compliment. Costello's looking for a young and beautiful girl to be his leading lady. I accept. You accept? He said a young and beautiful girl. Wait, well, I have the face of an 18-year-old girl. Well, you better give it back to her. You're getting it all wrinkled. You're a great actress. To me, she's another Hepburn. To me, she's another hot woman. I'd like to have you help me with. Tell me, how many hairs does a pig have? I don't know. Well, the next time you shave, count. You're my little potato bug. Oh, no, I insist. You're my little potato bug. You always have to be so mean. I don't know. Well, you don't. I'm just a tramp hitchhiking down the highway of life. I'm just a foreigner looking for Flora. You see, I mean, if you do, he won't let me work for him anymore. You work for this dick crazy? Yeah, I'd post for those pictures of Theo plenty. Come on, Costello. You still haven't found your leading lady. Would you hold the door open for me? Hey, look, Costello. It's Mrs. Dinel's French maid, Tiffy Leblanc. Hello, Tiffy. Oh, Monsieur Costello, you cute little man you. Oh, mon petit ami, mon cher, cher ami. Vous êtes le plus bel homme du monde. Tiffy, she doesn't speak English. You speak the French, monsieur. And at research organizations, state that. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarettes. This survey put the question, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? To 113,000 doctors, doctors in every state of the 48. The brand most named was camel. Now, why don't you have your own personal cigarette survey? Ask your T-zone that's T for taste and T for throat about camels. Your taste will tell you how it likes the rich, full flavor of camel's great blend of costlier tobaccos. Your throat will tell you most conclusively how camel's cool mildness agrees with it. Your T-zone may well explain why camel was the brand named most by doctors. With Carl Hoffer, the camel orchestra, lovely Amy Arnell things, give me the simple life. Leave this wild mess around with strife. I never was cut out to step and strut out. Give me the simple life. Come find your pleasant dining on pleasant, most single off my night. Just serve me tomatoes and mashed potatoes. Give me the simple life. A cottage smallest and the one you. Part of Costello's daughter will be played by the lovely French maid, Pipi Leblanc. Come here, Pipi. Here I am, Monsieur Mellonhead. Is she going to be my daughter? That's right. Pipi. Pipi is your daughter. That's the way I wrote it. Frozen reaches to the far north. The time is winter and the weather is bitterly cold. Outside, you realize you must go for help. So you take your wife and your arms and you kiss her goodbye. Goodbye, ma. Gee, it's cold, ma. I'm over here. Put out that dog. You say goodbye to your loving daughter. Armed forces who won through to victory. One of the 94th division, heroes of Brittany, the Siegfried Line, the Mosel River and the Slough. Since the beginning of the war, we have sent over 150 million free cigarettes to our fighting men overseas. But now, with demobilization and progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. Tonight, the camels go to U.S. Naval Hospital Corvallis, Oregon, U.S. Army Woodrow Wilson General Hospital, Stanton, Virginia, U.S. Marine Hospital, Portland, Maine, and Veterans Hospital, Cheyenne, Wyoming in your honor, men of the 94th division. The stage tries to week our rebroadcast to track every area in the world where our men are stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And I'll hear a button, Lou, back with the final word. Well, Costello, you were quite a success as a leading man in your play tonight. Yes, and the audience was so responsive that I have decided to become a dramatic actor. In fact, I'm thinking of starring in a dramatic picture with Ingrid Bergman. You buy camel cigarettes, and remember, try camels in your T-zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a T. What does the pipe smoker want in his pipe tobacco? Tasty flavor and mellow mildness, of course. What doesn't he want? Tongue bite, parts, and sting. And that's why Prince Albert is the national joy smoke. For Prince Albert, tobacco is choice and mellow. Crimp cut for slow, cool burning and specially treated to take out tongue bite and sting. Pack your pipe with Prince Albert for pleasure and every pop. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, Coast to Coast on NBC. Be sure to listen to this very same time next week for the Abbot and Costello show for Camel Cigarette. Thursday night is all-star night on NBC. Stay tuned for Rooney Valley over most of these things. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.