 Hi, my name is Renee and I'm an Australian, but I live in California. I moved here in 2012. I left a very narcissistic family in Australia and then I came out here to have a new life with my daughter and we've had some really good years here. We've had some challenging times because it's just been me and her but we've had some really good years here. Back in 2017, I was not looking for a relationship, but I happened to meet my ex-covert narcissist in, I think it was November 2017. We met online and from the minute that I met him that night, now that I look back, there were definitely red flags. I mean at the time, I've been, I probably was smoking a lot of weed and partying a little bit so my judgment was not great, even though I had narcissistic knowledge, I already had narcissism knowledge because I came from a family of narcissists, so I already had narcissistic knowledge and in 2006, when I discovered it, I created a Facebook page, one of the first narcissist pages called Exposing the Narcissist and that was very, very, very popular. It's still going strong, 14 years going strong, but nothing, nothing prepared me for a covert narcissist. I wasn't aware of this, I wasn't aware of a covert narcissist and this is what I was dealing with when I met my ex. So it started, now that I look back, it started probably the night that I met him, we were on a date talking, having a good time, but he did use the opportunity to tell me that his ex cheated on him and I remember thinking at the time, why would you tell me this? If only you just met me, why do you need to tell me that your ex cheated on you? Like I didn't have any desire to talk about my exes. I don't know why he felt the need to tell me that, but I actually do know now because a covert narcissist, they work on sympathy. They use things like sympathy and victim, victim-ness to hook in their, their partners and at the time, I, you know, I was new guy, I didn't really care, but I think unconsciously it did hook into any kind of sympathy that I had and he started that, from that date, he started immediately with the love bombing that whole week. He was contacting me and saying, oh, I'm whooped. What have you done to me? I'm whooped. Oh, you're, you're amazing. Like, you know, I've never met anyone like you before and, and just things like that. And I remember at the time thinking, you know, this is a little much, you know, I'm not really into, I'm an Australian, I'm not really into all of this, you know, terms of endearment and, you know, lovey-dovey-ness. And I just thought this is a little much, but, you know, he's not doing anything wrong. He's not saying anything wrong. So, you know, well, you can, you can, maybe he is whooped. Maybe I am amazing and he is whooped. And so that was his tactic. And he pretty much did that the whole time I was with him. It was just a constant barrage. I would call it psychotic flattery now at the time. You know, in the narcissism world, you call it love bombing, but I would call it, yeah, psychotic flattery, because that's exactly what it was. It just became psychotic. And, and, and I didn't feel that I had the freedom to just tell him, look, can you stop this? Because it's like, how do you, how do you, even somebody healthy would feel a little bad to tell someone to stop complimenting them constantly? You know, it was intrusive. I would be, might be focusing on work or I might be reading a book or looking out into the sky. And he was constantly just interrupting my train of thought to get him back to him. And, you know, and it just didn't, it just didn't seem right. It didn't seem balanced. And I also felt this obligation to have to, to, to compliment back. And that's when the inner stuff started with me. Because I was going against my own true self. When you start feeling an obligation, or you're feeling guilty, because, oh, wow, he's complimenting me all day long, I probably should do the same. And then it doesn't feel authentic. And then you start thinking, well, oh, I'm not being authentic. I mean, I'm not, I'm not giving him that love back. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm unloving. Maybe I'm, you know, unappreciative or a cold. And it wasn't that at all. I just really desired something healthy. And then the diabolical stuff started when, you know, because he was constantly doing this love bombing and stuff like this. And it was all day long. I'd be at work. It would just be constant all day long. And then he would start guilty. If I wasn't messaging him back constantly, he wanted contact from the minute he woke up to the minute he went to sleep. He wanted contact. And I remember just saying to him, well, I'm, you know, he'd go off if, if I didn't, if I didn't message him within a two hour period or something, and I was at work and he owned his own business. I'm like, well, you can be online all day long and chat to whoever you want all day long because you have your own business. You're your own boss. I, you know, I work. I can't just be on my phone all day long texting you. And it would be, oh, but I'm just trying to stay connected. Don't you want to stay connected? So the whole ordeal was about guilt and shame. And it was hidden behind love bombing and guilting constantly guilting. Why don't you want to see me? You know, I remember there was one time that I went to, I wanted to have a day to myself. I just wanted a day to myself drive to the beach, have a day to myself, do some drawing and things like that. And I remember just getting absolutely attacked because, oh, you're leaving me out. Don't you want me to come? Why don't you do these things with me? So it became like a competition against the relationship with myself and him. It was almost like I wasn't allowed to have a relationship with myself or care for myself or do something for myself because it wasn't fair to him that he should be involved in everything that I do. And that includes if I want time to myself. And I remember after about a year I told him that I needed to, I just just wasn't feeling it anymore. And that I wasn't attracted anymore, just wasn't feeling right. And I remember him just saying, oh, but I'm so good to you. I don't deserve this. You should stay with me. Why would you leave me? And if I didn't have already narcissistic wounds from my parents, and I was healthy, I pretty much would not have been hooked into that manipulation. But I remember at the time just feeling like, yeah, he really is nice to me. And he really does speak, he's always really good to me. I probably should stay with him. And I feared just feeling tormented if I left him afterwards. So I just thought, I just said to him, okay, we'll just see how we go. So I actually stayed in that for another year. But it was a terrible year because my intuition and my instincts and who I am didn't want to be there. And he was just, you know, he was just constantly manipulating me. And I was falling into it. And it actually became horrifying. It became horrifying. I lived in fear of a guilt trip. I lived in fear of manipulation. I was constantly, even when my time wasn't with him, I was tense that if I didn't get to my phone, or if I didn't text him, that I was going to get a barrage of hundreds and hundreds of texts, because that's what would happen when he, when he was triggered that I wasn't contacting him, he would send me hundreds and hundreds of texts of guilting, why, you know, just whining and guilting about why I should be in contact with him all day long. And that's the way relationships should be, that we have contact all day long to keep the connection going. And I just, I wasn't comfortable with it. The type of person that I am is just, I'm independent, but I want to be in a partnership. I just don't want it to engulf me. And that's exactly how I felt completely engulfed. Like I couldn't breathe. My anxiety was terrible. And I just, just didn't know how to get out of this. And I'm like, after the two years, you know, the, I just said, look, listen, I just can't do this anymore. And then we agreed to be friends. And I thought, okay, good, well, I don't want to deal with any, any cruelty from him or guilting or manipulation. So I'll just stay friends with him. And, you know, and then that year of friendship actually, to me, was more of a relationship that I would want, because he wasn't giving me that pressure to be contacting me constantly because in his mind, he realized we're just friends. So he had no obligation to, I had no obligation to do everything he wanted. And it was better than the first two years. But I just knew that I still felt in my, in my mental time alone, I still felt this, he had impregnated my mind. So yeah, I felt like he had impregnated my mind during that time. I was constantly on edge. If I was doing something wrong, I was going to get some kind of guilting messages. And my, my out was actually when he got the new supply. When he told me he had new supply actually noticed he was over here and he was on his phone. And I said, What are you doing? You know, and he said, Oh, you know, I've got a new girlfriend. I said, Oh, right. Okay. And I remember at the time, thinking, Okay, this is my out because otherwise he is going to do triangulation. Because while I was with him, all he did was compare me to the ex. All he did was compare me to the ex. Oh, you're so much better than my ex. Every time we go somewhere, you're so much, you know, more better company than my ex. When I used to bring my ex here, she used to just have tantrums and be so angry. And you're just so much better than her and so much. And so I was constantly compared to this ex. And I didn't realize at the time that it was triangulation. I understand now that it was. And then part of me, I guess, was intoxicated by being the favorite. I was the favorite. You know, she was the bad one. And I was the favorite. I was, and it was great to be somebody's favorite. So, you know, that was what was happening unconsciously. And I didn't realize it. And then when he said he had the new suppliers said, Well, I just knew this is, I have to be, I have to be, this is, this is it. Because otherwise, he's going to do triangulation with everything he said bad about his ex. He's going to do the same to me. And I actually ended up speaking to his ex. And she actually did not cheat on him. And because I said to her, did you, did you cheat on him? And she said, Oh, God, no, we'd been broken up for months. And then I met somebody else. And my intuition felt she was true. Like if she'd been lying, I would have known it, I would have felt it. But I felt like she was true. She didn't cheat on him. She, I believe that she was not with him anymore. And she'd moved on to somebody else. But I believe that he felt that he had ownership on her. So it felt like to him that she was cheating. She wasn't cheating. She's actually a really nice lady. And so anyway, I ended up getting out of the situation. And this is when I saw the dark side of the covert narcissist. This is when I saw and it has been a nightmare. Like I'm feeling a lot better the last, say, six weeks. But when all this went down, it was so traumatizing. I actually did not think I was going to get through it. I was so anxious. I was waking up with shaking, terrible depression. And I thought, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to survive this. I might have to go back to Australia and get a disability or something. Because this is, I don't know if I'm going to survive the emotional turmoil after this, because he became vindictive. He was sending me text saying how great his new supply was and how she's such a nice girl. And I would say to her, yeah, you said the same thing about me with your ex to me. You know, I was apparently, you know, I've been on the pedestal for three years. You've been love bombing me for three years. And now what you have a new supply that she's the antidote. She's the cure for your life. He came to my house. He was knocking on my door. Are you better not contact my ex, my girlfriend, my new girlfriend? You better not say anything to her about us or any of these things. It was really, really terrible. And then he, what really did it for me. And I really knew, wow, wow, this is what I've been dealing with all these years was when he sent me messages and said, I have you, I have messages screenshotted from you talking bad about your family. And I'm going to send those to your family. And I said, go for it. Go for it. You know, you're telling me that all those years you were trying to get me to be vulnerable. And said, I was you were safe for me to vent about my whatever I was dealing with. And so I vented about my family to you. And now you've screenshotted them and you're going to use them against me in some kind of vindictive revenge. Why? And, and I ended up just saying to him, you can go and send them messages. I don't care anything that I've ever told you, I've probably told to them we're not on good terms. So it doesn't really matter. You know, we live in different countries. It's it's whatever. Uh, just just knowing that he wanted to be a vindictive person like that. And this is a 40 year old man. He couldn't just let us split and move on with life without him having to triangulate me, him having to be vindictive and revengeful and try to make me fear. And even though I'm built for this because I've known it vindictive covert narcissists. I have known it. It's, you know, and I'm able to defend myself against that. It's still disturbing, especially for someone who spent so long grooming and love bombing me and telling me that he was safe and he was emotionally safe. And I can open myself to him and I can vent to him to then turn around and use that against me for no reason. Just because we was split was very disturbing. It was emotionally very, very disturbing. And I actually ended up saying to him, you know, that's fine. You can send them that stuff. I will contact the IRS and let them know about your illegal business. So I think that shut him up. You know, I wasn't going to cower in the corner and be afraid of every little thing he did. I actually, you know, well, you know, you want to act like that? Well, I've got some shit on you too. So that kept him quiet. And then after that, it was, I went into shock. I just, from one extreme to the other, this saintly man that does everything for everybody and was constantly telling me how great he was and how he's so kind and saintly and only says good things about everybody turned into a dark, vindictive, revengeful nightmare. And after that, that's when the real nightmare began because I had to deal with the aftermath of this, that I went against my own intuition to stay with him. I chose him over me when I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore. And he manipulated me saying that he was so good to me. I had to stay with him. So I had to face myself and was like, well, I chose somebody else's feelings over my own. And it's been, it's been a dark night of the soul. It's been a real dark night of the soul because I had to face myself, which was, why didn't I go with my intuition? Why didn't I, why did I let him guilt me? Why did I, you know, let this happen and staying this for so long? And I did many nights, many nights of just fear, anxiety, waking up, shaking. And, but I've been on a, on a, on a good, you know, healing journey from this. I got back on track with my healing journey and getting in contact with friends that are good for me, that are also on this healing journey, back to this self-love, having trouble with it. But I just keep pushing through. Now, I actually broke no contact recently because while I was with him, I discovered that I went and did a painting course. And while I, in this painting course, I discovered, wow, I can actually paint. I'm an artist. And during that time, I was just painting constantly and just so excited about painting. And I did sense his jealousy. He was, he was jealous that I had this new skill. And so I ended up painting him one, because I thought, well, you know, if I paint him one, then, you know, this will keep him happy and he will not feel excluded. And it's, you know, it's still about him. So I did this really, one of my best paintings and I gave it to him. And the last few weeks, I've not been comfortable knowing that he has this painting, that he ended up being, that he ended up duping me, becoming a dark person, vindictive, cruel, fake. So the last few weeks, I've been like, I'm not comfortable that he has this painting that I did, that is probably one of my best paintings that I ever did. It's in his house, in his room, in the presence of this unappreciative, dark, duping, manipulative person. I haven't been comfortable. So I actually contacted him and I said, listen, I'd really appreciate it. If I could get that painting back, you can keep anything else I gave you, but I'd really appreciate it if I can get that painting back. And so he said that I can. And I just said, well, if you could just leave it outside your job tomorrow, and I'll just pick it up. And we'll just leave it at that. And then that'll be it. So I will feel very, very relieved and much better that I will have this painting back that I did with my whole heart and soul during that whole ordeal. I'm going to save the painting. I'm going to put it up in my art room. And I might even sell it to someone who deserves it because, you know, I don't know, I just want to put it out there. If you've got some God-given skill of creativity, please don't waste it on somebody who doesn't deserve it. Now at the time, I didn't realize there was this dark side of him. I felt it because I'd seen it with his, you know, attacks if I hadn't been texting him or if I was doing something for myself or something like this. But I just want to tell you don't, when someone proves that they are sincerely safe, authentically safe, not just saying that they're safe, but they have proven that they're authentically safe, that your mind, body, your soul and your intuition agrees that this person is safe, then use your God-given skills and talents to bless them. Don't do it on somebody else because you fear that they're going to get upset that you have a skill because that's what happened. And I remember when I bought an RV, I had been watching a lot of tiny house stuff. Oh, you would have thought that I had done the biggest crime on the planet because I bought an RV to do up and he absolutely was, went into the biggest guilty manipulation fest. Oh, why did you buy the RV for? Don't you want me involved in that RV? Why would you go and get an RV? Oh, you try to just go away and leave me, honestly. And the way that I've coped over the years with narcissistic people is that I just rebel. Like I'm just going to just do it anyway. I'm not going to cower in the corner. That's not the type of person that I am, that I'm not going to cower in the corner and do what you want. I may be fearful, I may be shaking, but I'm not going to cower. And I bought that RV and then I did that RV up and I refurbished it and turned it into an absolute glamorous machine. And he sabotaged it because he was a mechanic and I would thought, well, I'll get him involved in this somehow so he doesn't have a tantrum. And so I would get him to do the motor work on it. But every time he did the motor work on it, the RV wouldn't start. I think I sent the RV to him seven times to do certain things, to get it going and wouldn't start. He is a mechanic. How does a mechanic not get a vehicle moving? So I feel like he was sabotaging that whole RV situation. And I still have the RV it's still there. And I still love it. I still have my skills. I'm still working on the self love. Still angry about being duped. And I'm going against my own judgment and intuition. I'm pretty upset about that. But I'm at the end of it now. I'll get my artwork back tomorrow. Hopefully this goes down smoothly. I don't know how that's going to go. The plan is just go to his work. I asked him if he could keep the door shut and just have the artwork outside the door and I'll grab it and I'll leave. And you know, that's the plan. Let's hope that's what happens. Because I'm not ready to deal with an anew onslaught of trauma after everything that I've just been through with him. And I think that's pretty much about it. It's been a nightmare. I believe that the whole experience happened because it was a symptom of stuff that I've needed to deal with with my family. Like I came here. I lived my life here. I'm away from my family. I've been geographically away. But I think that I still have had deep traumas about the the narcissism that I dealt with with my family, which is what was the open door to deal with such a nightmare like him. And I'm on the journey watching lots of videos, doing lots of retreats, taking time to myself, doing my artwork and just hoping and praying I get through this in a better place and a real sense of self love. And when I think about him that I have complete indifference, no hate, no love, just complete indifference. And that's it. That was my ordeal with a covert narcissist.