The swine flu show.
And now...back from self-imposed quarantine in Safeway's walk-in beer cooler, it's The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!
1. Pigs are deadly!
Well ladies and gentleman we thought we made it through the summer successfully, but swine flu is making a strong comeback. Throughout history, the pig has been an extremely controversial animal. Some, like Jews and Muslims, choose to eliminate it from their diets entirely. Others, like Texans, will eat nothing else. But with the outbreak of this bubonic bacon, America is taking a different attitude toward the pig, one of sheer terror! Not since Elvis's last trip to the cardiologist has lil' Babe struck such fear in anyone's heart.
The Band plays "Spoonman" by Soundgarden
The Band forms a pig that promptly dies
2. Stanford bubble
Here on campus, Stanford administration has been hard at work protecting us from this hellish ham hex, going so far as to surround campus with a giant, impenetrable bubble. Hopefully, we will soon be able to apply this technology to other aspects of campus life. Yes, the isolation of the Stanford bubble should keep us safe all flu-season long. Remember, nobody in, nobody out.
The Band plays "Welcome to Paradise"
The Band forms a circle with Hoover Tower in the middle, accompanied by a prop pig
Jumbotron: Have camera follow pig on the field as it tries to break in to the "bubble" of students.
3. Full Moon on the Flu
Freshman on the lookout for love will have to look a little harder this year. As you may have heard, porcine panic has stricken down Full Moon on the Quad. Rumor has it roaming bands of loveless Stanford seniors will take to the streets in search of unsanctioned make-outs. But beware, another lonely creature stalks the night in search of romance, the pigs! So be careful who you smooch Stanford, because those pigs are have something much worse than bad breath!
The Band plays "Question!" by System of a Down
The Band forms a moon with lips
4. Student Health
So what can you, the student, do to protect yourself against this swine scourge, the answer lies at the bottom of a bottle. After all, alcohol kill germs, that's why it burns going down, right? At least that's what my frat bro said, and he's humbio. Pure science! So remember to drink up when you're on the Row tonight. That next jello shot or kegstand could very well save your life.
The Band plays "Life in the Fast Lane"
The Band forms PORK which changes to PARTY
Jumbotron: "PSA: Partying can save your life"
5. Squirrel flu
But now that birds and pigs are contagious, everyone is waiting to see which cuddly animal will be the next to strike fear into the heart of the World Health Organization. Our bet is on squirrels. With their pointy little teeth and their bushy tails made for carrying bacteria, squirrels are a prime candidate. It's only a matter of time before CNN debuts an animated graphic titled "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack."
The Band plays "No One Knows" by Queens of the Stone Age
The Band forms an acorn
Jumbotron: "Squirrel Flu: A Nation's Nuts Under Attack." w/ picture of squirrel
6. When pigs fly
Hubris is the downfall of all great civilizations, and swine flu will prove the United States is no exception. They say American power is eternal, that we'll surrender when the world stops spinning, when hell freezes over, when pigs fly. Well, with flotillas of flying swine assaulting our nation with airborne flu, we may have finally met our match. Goodnight sweet prince.
The Band plays "Steam" by Peter Gabriel
The Band forms FLU which changes to FLEW accompanied by a prop flying pig
Jumboron: Camera on pig as it deploys wings.
7. Animal Farm
But who's to blame for this porker pandemic? Why, it's Dick Cheney! Having stumbled upon a copy of Animal Farm 5 months ago, he became paranoid that a pig-led socialist revolution might force universal health care on the masses. Using his remaining power in the shadow government, he developed a foolproof plan to keep those petulant porkers in their place. Clever work Dick, but your cover's been blown now!
The Band plays "Hey Big Brother" by Rare Earth
Band forms ORWELL which changes to OH WELL
Join us at halftime when we give unsolicited advice about tax evasion and establishing brothels. Until then, you've been watching The One, The Only, The Truly Incomparable Leland Stanford Junior...University Marching Band!