 That's right, folks. B for comedy. Mr. Backhoe's The Brings You the Camel Show, starring Bud Abbott. Stella, the Walter Pigeon of Redondo Beach. Back together again. If you only knew how I missed you, Abbott, how I starved for the sight of you. Feast upon you. Gee, the food's bad all over it. For example, I was all summer. I was sick. I had athlete's throat. I swallowed my stomach drunk. Oh, with the belt in the back, too. Hey, some nights, Abbott, I was very lonely. The nurse had to put me to bed. Then she'd get lonely. Please say hello. Mr. Costello. Mr. Costello, he thinks I'm my father. Don't you know me? Costello, I don't want any part of you. And me with so much to spare, Costello. I hate to say this, but you are a constant source of embarrassment. You're crude. You're vulgar. You pride yourself on being a bad boy. You're completely devoid of manners. You're a bore. You're a disgrace to humanity. In short, you're a hopeless misfit. I agree with everything you said, but I don't think it's short. I'm not concerned with what you think. This is not a certain decision. I spent my entire summer contemplating. You did? I spent mine in Pomona. I'm in a swell blonde. Forget the blonde. I'd rather forget Pomona. No, Costello, I'm through making apologies for you. Why, the way you behave at Mrs. Thompson's dinner party, the idea of putting your elbows in this soup. Well, you told me to keep them off the table. And after dinner, that hide-and-seek game you played for the past four months, I've been getting letters. Costello, where did you put Mrs. Thompson? You think I'm going to tell and lose the game? Besides, I didn't like those society people. That scavenger hunt, they brought me back four times before I could prove I wasn't a quonset hunt. You don't along with society people. Of all things, talking about having your tonsils removed at the dinner table. I didn't bring up the subject of operations. I didn't. Mrs. Thompson did. She did. Yes, she told me she had her alimony cut off. I'm in a knit with. Alimony is money. That's the trouble with you, Costello. You're ignorant and uncouthed. And what? You're uncouthed. How do I get coothed? You can't get coothed. There's no such word. You mean I'm trying to be certain that if there was such a thing, I couldn't be because there was no such thing as? Now you've got it. Now I got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Costello, I'll show you what I mean. You're standing on the corner of Sunset and Vine. You're undressed. Undressed? Yes. You have no coat, no pants, no shirt. What happened? It's South America. Take it away. I'm just giving you an example. You're standing on the corner of Sunset and Vine undressed. You're uncouthed. So I put on my pants and I'm coothed. There's no such word. OK, I'll put the pants again. There, look. Let's try another example. Now you're well dressed. My horse came in? Yes. No, no, no, no, no. You're the picture of elegance. You're clothes are pressed. Your shoes are shined and your hair is combed. In short, you are immaculate. You just said in short, I'm uncouthed. No, no, no. Costello, will you please drop the shorts? Not in October. There, look. It's coals. Look, look, look, look, look, look. I just told you you were well dressed, immaculate. Now you take your clothes off. What are you? Immaculate. And listen, there is no such word. A cooth. No such word. No, no, no. Let's try it. Now please, don't mock. Now let's try it once more. Now you're fully dressed. You're retired. Gotcha. Now, your clothes are off. What are you? No such word. Yes, there is. What is it? Retired? No. Retread? No. On a cooth? Immaculate? No, no, no, no. No, no? No, no. You're a fine pal. Here you've got me standing out on the street in my shorts. Hand me my bathrobe, Abbott. Quick. Why? Here come a couple of girls I know. There you go. Always are those silly jokes. Oh, I wish my hands of the whole thing. Goodbye. Please, Abbott, don't wash your hands. I'll behave. All right. Now over there. Over there is skinny inners. Skinny? Now, I sure like the way the skin is arranged. That's it. You're looking at Marilyn Maxwell. I still like the way the skin is arranged. Listen to me, Castella. That skinny inners over there. He's the band leader. What happened to Vaughan Monroe? You know, the band leader that was on the air all summer for camels? Well, the camel people are giving him a show of his own. And we have to settle for Ennis? Not listening. Don't put it that way. Mr. Ennis happens to be a gentleman of the old South and a fine musician. Oh, what does he play? The Claghorn? Remark? My friend, you don't meet him. Oh, please, Abbott. I promise I won't embarrass you anymore. You promise me? I promise. Oh, all right. But remember one, crack out of you when it's all over. Oh, Mr. Ennis. Yes, Mr. Abbott. I want you to meet a very dear friend of mine, Lou Castella. Castella, this is skinny Ennis. Can't believe it. What? I knew there was a meat shortage, but I didn't think it was this bad. Castello. Oh, I forgot. Mr. Ennis, what I meant to say was, you don't look like you've got much meat. And, brother, you look like you've got all of it. Oh, comedian, eh? You think you're funny? Yes, I've become a comedian. When I first started telling jokes, people had faith in me. Then along came hope. Faith and hope? Take it easy, brother. Next year, it might be charity. That doesn't matter. From the orchestra, the song, Five Minutes More. Give me five minutes more, only five minutes more. Let me stay, let me stay in your arms. Here am I begging for only five minutes more, only five minutes more of your charm. Nor are we clothed. I dreamed about our Saturday day. Don't you know that Sunday morning you can sleep late? Give me five minutes more, only five minutes more. Let me stay, let me stay in your arms. That was a survey conducted by three leading independent research organizations. Doctors in every state of the union, from Maine to California, were included. Doctors in every branch of medicine were asked this question. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? 113,597 doctors were reached. When the replies came in, the brand named most was Camel. Yes, rich, full-flavored, cool, mild camels, made of costlier tobaccos blended with Camel's traditional know-how. Of course, doctors are no different from anyone else in that they smoke for pleasure. For the same reason, more people smoke camels today than ever before in the history of this famous cigarette. For your own smoking pleasure, make your next cigarette a Camel. All right, Castello. I think I made it plain, worth through. Look, Abbott, I think you're being a little hard on me. Maybe I am all the things you say, but it's not all my fault. It isn't. No. After all, I didn't have much of a home life. Mine was a tragic youth. Well, I didn't know that, Lou. As a matter of fact, I was born in a corset shop, and it was terrible. For three days, they didn't know what I was going to be for a boy or a girdle. Now, look, Castello, if you're going to kid about this, remember, if you're going to kid about this, I refuse to listen. But I didn't get a real mother's love and care. You see, mother worked. She was a line tamer in a circus. I can see her now standing there in her red Satan types. She was shooting. Wait, wait, wait, what was I telling you? You mean Satan types. Satan is something that looks like the devil. You should have seen my mother in those days. Castello, I'm deeply touched. I can see what a boy there was in your life. Oh, I left the loan every night. Oh, no, I wasn't left alone at it. We used to have a sitter come in. Costs us $0.50 an hour, $0.35 for her, and $0.15 for my father. $0.15 for your father. $0.15 for your father. She used to sit on his lap. Her name was Bridget. She was an Irish sitter. And there I was, a child, all alone. 14 years old and ready for school. Castello, you mean? You got no education until you were 14. Oh, yes. I used to watch father with the sitter. And then, as it must to all men, mother lost her job. The circus closed. And for weeks, we had nothing to eat but lines. Day after day, nothing but medium rare line burgers. And after dinner, we'd sit around the living room and growl at each other. Then, fortune of fortunes, mother got another job. She became a racetrack tout. A tout? Isn't that a rather precarious way of earning a living? Oh, yes. But there was nothing I could do to help her. I was at that in-between age. I was too heavy to be a jockey and too like to be a horse. Oh, what a childhood I had. Castello, I'm very sympathetic. But nevertheless, other men have overcome great handicaps. Take one of our great presidents, Abraham Lincoln, for instance. A fine man, I believe. Indeed, he was. Especially when you realize that the man who grew up to be president of these United States was born and raised in a crudelog cabin without any of the modern convenies that we have today. At times, I'm amazed that the man could endure such hardships. But put yourself in his place, Castello. If you had a rusty-glog cabin with rain coming through the roof without plumbing or light or heat, what would you do? I'd rent it for $500 a month. Small bonus, no pets, no relatives. Yes, I am. You're impossible. I'm going over and talk to Marilyn Maxwell. Hey, Adam, really? She's gorgeous. What does she do? Oh, she's a movie star. She won her spurs at MGM. She did? Where did she get the other prizes? Can you have it? Will you take me over? I will not. You expect me to introduce you to Marilyn Maxwell so you're going to offend her with your crudeness so you can desecrate the very air she breathes. Look, Abbot, she can breathe her air, and I'll breathe mine. There's enough to go around. Now, come on, introduce me. Absolutely not. Oh, God. It's too late for her. Here she comes. Good evening, bud. Oh, Marilyn, I'd like you to meet my friend, uh, Lucca Stella. Hello, Lewis. Oh, did you hear that habit? She called me by my maiden name. Maxwell. Yes? What makes you girls so beautiful? Well, you know what we girls are made of, sugar and spice and everything nice. Mm-hmm. The ones I meet are garlic and hash and your father's mustang. God, Stella, behave yourself. I'm sorry. Miss Maxwell, will you sing a song for me? Anything you say, Lewis. I want you to think of me as your friend. In fact, I want to be a big sister to you. Mm-hmm. Sing the song. We'll figure out the family relationship later. Come on, Stella. From Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, producers of Free Wise Fools comes that lovely singing star, Marilyn Maxwell, accompanied by Camel's own Skinny Annas in the orchestra. The song, I've Got the Sun in the Morning. I think I'm a lucky god, no mansion, god, no yacht. And I'm happy with what I've got. 13,597 is a mighty big number. But that's the number of doctors questioned in the recent nationwide survey of doctors' cigarette preferences. Three independent research organizations conducted this survey. They included doctors in every branch of medicine, doctors all over the country, in every state of the union. All these doctors were asked this question. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? And the brand named most was Camel. Yes, rich, full-flavored, cool, mild camels. If you smoke camels yourself, you'll understand this preference. If you're not a camel smoker now, try camels on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat, the true proving ground for any cigarette. See if your taste doesn't appreciate the fine, full flavor of Camel's costlier tobaccos. And see if your throat doesn't welcome Camel's cool mildness, then you'll understand why. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Please, enough is enough. No, please, please, Abbott, please listen. Nothing doing. You've insulted all my friends. Oh, go on being a bad boy. But you'll do it alone, not with me, Castella. You're incorrigible. Good find. Just a minute, Abbott. There's no such word. Abbott. Oh, Mr. Renus. Yes, Castella? My lifelong pal just said I was incorrigible. What is that? Well, boy, if he called you that, I don't want to have anything to do with you. Snooty, if he ever loses that baton, he'll be playing second washboard with Spike Jones. Miss Maxwell, old big sister. What is it, Lewis? Lewis, thank you. My best friend just called me incorrigible. What does that mean? Well, I could explain it to you, Lewis, but you get a better definition from this dictionary. It's under I-N. Thanks. These dictionaries, if you read one, you've read them all. Let me see now. I-N, I-N incinerator. I may be built like it, but I'm no incinerator. Incoherent? That's a lie. I can hear as good as anybody. A guy can fall asleep looking through all these words. In-incorrigible. In-incorrigible. Where am I? You are in a dream world, a land of miracles where nothing is unattainable. I'll have a frigid air, two washing machines, and a 46 Buick. Hiya, Castello. Abbott, what are you doing here? Who are these guys? You'll find out. Mr. Castello, we keep a record of everything good and bad you do. Here under my arm is the record of the bad things you've done. Is that what that is? Yes. I thought it was the encyclopedia Britannica. And here I have a record of all the good things you've done. On the back of that postage stamp? Yes, and it's only half fused. You're all so a great problem to me, Mr. Castello. I am? Yes, I write down the bad things you do. I use those pens guaranteed never to wear out. I have to get a new one every week. Have you tried writing underwater? Yes, Castello, but I'm slowly getting the bends. Get a load of this, Abbott. This guy's got the bends, and he's trying to straighten me out. Yes, Castello, please. These gentlemen are not kidding. This is very serious. Gentlemen, I think you've got me all wrong. I'm not bad. Really, I'm not. You're not? Then why did you tie those cans to that dog's tail? Well, what could I do? He just got married. So you deny that on Saturday you stuffed the cop down a sewer? I deny that. It was Saturday. Mr. Abbott, would you get me another pan? Yes, sir. Hey, wait a minute. How do I know you boys marked down everything in the right column? What do you mean? Well, you got the night I kept Callahan out for five in the morning? Yes, right here on the back. Oh, no, that was good. His wife was waiting for him with a baseball bat. We'll change that. And did you mark down the night on the sunset bus I gave my lady my seat? Yes, yes, that was good. No, that was bad. I was driving the bus. I'll make the change. Gee, I'd like to fill up that poster stamp. You write awfully small, don't you? Well, I'll read it. It says, good deeds was born, period. Go on. I have the next 24 years. Abbott, don't stand there like that. You've got to help me. Say something good about me. All right, gentlemen, I've known the defendant for years. He's really a good boy. He's done some wonderful things. I remember there's when there was a sick old man who needed a taxi fare to the hospital and was this golden-hearted boy due. Why, he gave that poor old sick man $3. Abbott, I'll never forget you. Which he stole from his poor old grandmother. Anybody want to buy a nice clean poster stamp? I don't think it's fair to make me testify for myself. Why don't you call in some character witnesses? People who don't know me. Anything you wish. Name your witnesses. Well, character witnesses. That's, let me see. Let me see. Joe Clark? Uh-oh. I told him to bed on the dodgers. Uh-oh. Susie McGurk? No, not after Tuesday night. Mm-hmm. Oh, I know, Skinny Ennis. He knows me. Calling Skinny Ennis. Calling Skinny Ennis. Who sent for me? We did, Skinny. Mr. Ennis, we have called you as a character witness. What do you know about Mr. Costello? Well, Colonel Costello's an old friend of mine. I don't know what I can say except that he's a man among men. Thanks, Skinny. Just don't turn him loose among women. Another fountain pen coming up. Hey, Abbott, please don't let him do this to me. I warn you, Costello, you wouldn't listen to me. I told you to tell the truth or take the consequences. How do you like that? I'm in trouble, and he's playing with Ralph Edwards. I know who'll be my character witness, Miss Merlin Maxwell. I'll call her calling Miss Maxwell, calling Miss Maxwell. Look at that, boys. If you don't mark that down under good, you need glasses. Quiet, Costello. Miss Maxwell, we've called you as a character witness for Mr. Costello. Well, all I can say is I work with Mr. Costello, and I know my father must like him very much because he won't let me speak to Mr. Costello unless he's with me. Maxwell, what does your father do? Well, at present, he's unemployed. Starting tomorrow, you're helping him. Next contestant? Thank you, Miss Maxwell. You may return to the world of reality. You too, Mr. Ennis. Ennis caught the local. Well, fellas, I'm ready to go, too. Let her blow. Not yet, Mr. Costello. We feel you need guidance, so I'm going to follow you. Wherever you go, I will always be with you. Whenever you're tempted to do wrong or tell a lie, I shall always be there. How will I know? You will hear my call like this. How was that again? Remember, that means I will be with you day by day, week by week. Now, Costello, you may go. Courageable, incorrigible. Habit, habit. Oh, stop yelling, Costello. Where am I? You fell asleep in that chair. Oh, Abbott, I had the most awful dream. I met two guys who were keeping a record of my life. Who were they? Well, one kept the good records. And the other? I couldn't see him. He was right in underwater all the time. Oh, Abbott, I've had my lesson. You're so right. I'm through being bad. From now on, I'm a changed boy. I'm happy to hear that, Costello. I'm proud of you. I'm going to make you prouder. I'll show you I'm a gentleman. Oh, Miss Maxwell. What is it, Louis? May I have the pleasure of taking you home tonight? Well, can I be sure you're a gentleman? Certainly. And when we get home, we'll sit by the fire and do nothing but read poetry. Lakers of Camels offered a weekly salute to the men in the armed forces. Not just words and music, but also a definite, actual gift the men valued and wanted. Cigarettes. Free camels by the tens of millions. More than 150 million free camels were sent to fighting men overseas. Now, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital for Washington, Maryland, US Army AAF Regional Hospital, Keisler Field, Biloxi, Mississippi, US Naval Hospital, Great Lakes, Illinois, US Marine Hospital, Fort Stanton, New Mexico, and Veterans Hospital, Excelsior Springs, Missouri. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week. A rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, here are Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with a final word. Well, Costello, since you're going to change, I'm going to be your pal again. Gee, thanks, Abbott. What are you doing later? Well, I do after every show. I'm going to the Macamble and have some pheasant under glass. I'm going to the Brown Derby for some cream turkey. I'm going to the drive-in for some meatballs. I've got a stomachache. Good night, Abbott. Good night, folks. Good night, everyone. You're tuned in next week for another great Abbott and Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, fry camels in your T-zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a T. C-A-M-T-L. Every pipe smoker enjoys good, rich, full-flavored tobacco, but he likes his tobacco to burn cool and mild, too. That's probably why more pipe smoke Prince Albert than any other tobacco in the world. Prince Albert gives you rich, full, fine flavor because it's made of choice-ripe tobacco and it's mild and easy on your tongue because it's specially treated to make it so. Next time, ask for the National Joy Smoke, Prince Albert Smoking Tobacco. And for real listening joy, be sure to hear Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry with its new singing star, Red Foley. Remember, Saturday night on NBC, Grand Ole Opry. Your local community chest gives aid to such good causes as homes to the ancient hospitals, the Salvation Army, Travelers' Aid, visiting nurses and many other friendly, neighborly services. You can best help support these many services by giving generously to the community chest in your city. Everybody gives to the community chest. Everybody benefits. This is Jim Doyle in Hollywood, reminding you to listen again next to... This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.