 Chapter 9 of the Memoirs of Jacques Cassanova, Volume 1 by Giacomo Cassanova This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Stefanie Dupal de Martin The Memoirs of Jacques Cassanova, Volume 1, The Venetian Years by Giacomo Cassanova Episode 2, Cleric in Naples, Chapter 9, Part 2 We reached Rome very early. And the advocate, being in a very gay mood, I assumed the same tone, loading him with compliments and predicting that a son would be born to him. I compelled his wife to promise it should be so. I did not forget the sister of my charming Lucrezia. And to make her change her hostile attitude towards me, I addressed to her so many pretty compliments and behave in such a friendly manner that she was compelled to forgive the fall of the bed. As I took leave of them, I promised to give them a call on the following day. I was in Rome with a good wardrobe, pretty well supplied with money and jewelry, not wanting an experience. And with excellent letters of introduction. I was free, my own master, and just reaching the age in which a man can have faith in his own fortune, provided he is not deficient in courage and is blessed with a face likely to attract the sympathy of those he mixes with. I was not handsome, but I had something better than beauty. A striking expression which almost compelled a kind interest in my favor. And I felt myself ready for anything. I knew that Rome is the one city in which a man can begin from the lowest rung and reach the very top of the social ladder. This knowledge increased my courage and I must confess that a most inveterate feeling of self-esteem which, on account of my inexperience, I could not distrust, enhanced wonderfully my confidence in myself. The man who intends to make his fortune in this ancient capital of the world must be a communion of susceptible, of reflecting all the colors of the atmosphere that surrounds him. A prodious apt to assume every form, every shape. He must be supple, flexible, insinuating, clothes inscrutable, often base, sometimes sincere, sometimes perfidious, always concealing a part of his knowledge, indulging in one tone of voice, patient. A perfect master is on countenance, as cold as ice, when any other man will be all fire. And if, unfortunately, he is not religious at heart, a very common occurrence for a soul possessing the above requisites, he must have religion in his mind, that is to say, on his face, on his lips, in his manners. He must suffer quietly, if he be an honest man, the necessity of knowing himself an errant hypocrite. The man whose soul would loathe such life should leave Rome and seek his fortune elsewhere. I do not know whether I am praising or excusing myself, but of all those qualities I possess but one, namely, flexibility. For the rest, I was only an interesting, heedless young fellow, a pretty good blood horse, but not broken, or rather badly broken, and that is much worse. I began by delivering the letter I had received from Don Lelio for Father Georgie. The learned monk enjoyed the esteem of everyone in Rome, and the Pope himself had a great consideration for him. Because he disliked the Jesuits and did not put a mask on to tear the mask from their faces, although they deemed themselves powerful enough to despise him. He read the letter with great attention and expressed himself disposed to be my advisor, and that consequently I might make him responsible for any evil which might befall me, as misfortune is not to be feared by a man who acts rightly. He asked me what I intended to do in Rome, and I answered that I wished him to tell me what to do. Perhaps I may, but in that case you must come and see me often, and never conceal from me anything you understand, not anything, of what interests you or of what happens to you. Don Lelio has likewise given me a letter for the Cardinal Aquaviva. I congratulate you. The Cardinal's influence in Rome is greater even than that of the Pope. Must I deliver the letter at once? No. I will see him this evening and prepare him for your visit. Call on me tomorrow morning, and I will then tell you where and when you are to deliver your letter to the Cardinal. Have you any money? Enough for all my wants during one year? That is well. Have you any acquaintances? Not one. Do not make any without first consulting me, and above all, avoid coffee houses and ordinaries, but if you should happen to frequent such places, listen and never speak. Be careful to form your judgment upon those who ask any questions from you, and if common civility obliges you to give an answer, give only invasive one if any other is likely to commit you. Do you speak French? Not one word. I am sorry for that. You must learn French. Have you been a student? A poor one, but I have a sufficient smattering to converse with ordinary company. That is enough, but be very prudent, for Rome is the city in which smatterers unmask each other and are always at war amongst themselves. I hope you will take your letter to the Cardinal dressed like a modest abbey and not in this elegant costume which is not likely to conjure fortune. Adieu. Let me see you tomorrow. Highly pleased with the welcome I had received at his hands and with all he had said to me, I left his house and proceeded towards Campo di Fiori to deliver the letter of my cousin Antonio to Don Gaspar Vivaldi, who received me in his library, where I met two respectable-looking priests. He gave me the most friendly welcome, asked for my address, and invited me to dinner for the next day. He praised Father Giorgi most highly, and accompanying me as far as the stairs, he told me that he would give me on the morrow the amount his friend Don Antonio requested to hand me. More money which my generous cousin was bestowing on me. It's easy enough to give away when one possesses sufficient means to do it, but it is not every man who knows how to give. I found the proceeding of Don Antonio more delicate even than generous. I could not refuse this present. It was my duty to prove my gratitude by accepting it. Just after I had left Monsieur Vivaldi's house, I found myself face to face with Stefano, and this extraordinary original loaded me with friendly caresses. I inwardly despised him, yet I could not feel hatred for him. I looked upon him as the instrument which Providence had been pleased to employ in order to save me from ruin. After telling me that he had obtained from the Pope all he wished, he advised me to avoid meeting the fatal constable who had advanced me to sequins in Cereval, because he had found out that I had deceived him, and had sworn revenge against me. I asked Stefano to induce the man to leave my acknowledgement of the debt in the hands of a certain merchant whom we both knew, and that I would call there to discharge the amount. This was done, and it ended the affair. That evening I dined at the ordinary, which was frequented by Romans and foreigners, but I carefully followed the advice of Father Giorgi. I heard a great deal of harsh language used against the Pope and against the Cardinal Minister, who had caused the Papal States to be inundated by 80,000 men, Germans as well as Spaniards. But I was much surprised when I saw that everybody was eating meat, although it was Saturday. But a stranger during the first few days after his arrival in Rome, has surrounded, with many things which at first cost surprise, and to which he soon gets accustomed. There is not a Catholic city in the world in which a man is half so free on religious matters as in Rome. The inhabitants of Rome are like the men employed at the government tobacco works, who are allowed to take a gratis as much tobacco as they want for their own use. One can live in Rome with the most complete freedom, except that the Orgini Santissimi are as much to be dreaded as the famous Lettre de Cache, before the revolution came and destroyed them, and shooed the whole world the general character of the French nation. The next day, the 1st of October 1743, I made up my mind to be shaved. That down on my chin had become beard, I judged that it was time to renounce some of the privileges enjoyed by adolescents. I dressed myself completely in the Roman fashion, and Father Giorgi was highly pleased when he saw me in that costume, which had been made by the tailor of my dear cousin, Don Antonio. Father Giorgi invited me to take a cup of chocolate with him, and informed me that the cardinal had been apprised of my arrival by a letter from Don Lelio, and that his eminence would receive me at noon at the Villa Negroni, or he would be taking a walk. I told Father Giorgi that I had been invited to dinner by Monsieur Vivaldi. He advised me to cultivate his acquaintance. I proceeded to the Villa Negroni. The moment he saw me, the cardinal stopped to receive my letter, allowing two persons who accompanied him to walk forward. He put the letter in his pocket without reading it, examined me for one or two minutes, and it inquired whether I felt any taste for politics. I answered that, until now, I had not felt in me any but frivolous tastes, but that I would make bold to answer for my readiness to execute all the orders which his eminence might be pleased to lay upon me, if he should judge me worthy of entering his service. Come to my office tomorrow morning, said the cardinal, and ask for the abigamma, to whom I will give my instructions. You must apply yourself diligently to the study of the French language. It is indispensable. He then inquired after Don Lelio's health, and after kissing his hand, I took my leave. I hastened to the house of Monsieur Gaspar Vivaldi, where I dined amongst a well-chosen party of guests. Monsieur Vivaldi was not married, literature was his only passion. He loved Latin poetry even better than Italian, and Horace, whom I knew by heart, was his favourite poet. After dinner, we were paired to his study, and he handed me one hundred Roman crowns, and Don Antonio's present, and assured me that I would be most welcome whenever I would call to take a cup of chocolate with him. After I had taken leave of Don Gaspar, I proceeded towards the Minerva, where I longed to enjoy the surprise of my dear Lucrezia and of her sister. I inquired for Dona Cecilia Monti, their mother, and I saw to my great astonishment a young widow who looked like the sister of her two charming daughters. There was no need for me to give her my name. I had been announced, and she expected me. Her daughter soon came in, and their greeting caused me some amusement, for I did not appear to them to be the same individual. Dona Lucrezia presented me to her youngest sister, only eleven years of age, and to her brother, and Abe of fifteen, of charming appearance. I took care to behave so as to please the mother. I was modest, respectful, and showed a deep interest in everything I saw. The good advocate arrived, and was surprised at the change in my appearance. He launched out in his usual jokes, and I followed him on that ground, yet I was careful not to give to my conversation the tone of levity which used to cause so much murder to our traveling coach. So that, to pay me a compliment, he told me that if I had had the sign of manhood shaved for my face, I had certainly transferred it to my mind. Dona Lucrezia did not know what to think of the change in my manners. Towards evening I saw, coming in rapid succession, five or six ordinary-looking ladies, and as many Abbe's, who appeared to me some of the volumes with which I was to begin my Roman education. They all listened attentively to the most insignificant word I uttered, and I was very careful to let them enjoy their conjectures about me. Dona Cecilia told the advocate that he was but a poor painter, and that his portraits were not like the originals. He answered that she could not judge, because the original was showing under a mask, and I pretended to be mortified by his answer. Dona Lucrezia said she found me exactly the same, and her sister was of the opinion that the air of Rome gave strangers a peculiar appearance. Everybody applauded, and Angelique turned red with satisfaction. After a visit of four hours I bowed myself out, and the advocate following me told me that his mother-in-law begged that I consider myself a friend of the family, and to be certain of a welcome at any hour I like to call. I thanked him gratefully and took my leave, trusting that I had pleased this amiable society as much as I had pleased me. The next day I presented myself to the abe gama. He was a Portuguese, about forty years old, handsome, and with a countenance full of candor, wit, and good temper. His affability claimed and obtained confidence. His manners and accent were quite Roman. He informed me, in the blandest manner, that his eminence had given himself his instructions about me to his majordomo, that I would have a lodging in the cardinal's palace, that I would have my meals at the secretary's table, and that, until I learned French, I would have nothing to do but make extracts from letters that he would supply me with. He then gave me the address of the French teacher to whom he had already spoken in my behalf. He was a Roman advocate, Dall'Aqua by name, residing precisely opposite the palace. After this short explanation, and an assurance that I could at all times rely upon his friendship, he had me taken to the majordomo, who made me sign my name at the bottom of a page in a large book, already filled with other names, and he counted out sixty Roman crowns, which he paid me for three months' salary in advance. After this, he accompanied me, followed by Stafiere, to my apartment on the third floor, which I found very comfortably furnished. The servant handed me the key, saying that he would come every morning to attend upon me, and the majordomo accompanied me to the gate to make me known to the gatekeeper. I immediately repaired to my inn, sent my luggage to the palace, and found myself established in a place where great fortune awaited me, if I had only been able to lead a wise and prudent life, but unfortunately it was not in my nature. Volentem ducit, nolentem tragit. I naturally felt at my duty to call upon my mentor, Father Georgi, to whom I gave all my good news. He said I was on the right road, and that my fortune was in my hands. Recollect, added the good father, that to lead a blameless life you must curb your passions, and that whatever misfortune may befall you, it cannot be ascribed by anyone to a want of good luck, or attributed to fate. Those words are devoid of sense, and all the fault will rightly fall on your own head. I foresee, Reverend Father, that my youth and my want of experience will often make it necessary for me to disturb you. I am afraid of proving myself too heavy a charge for you, but you will find me docile and obedient. I suppose you will often think me rather too severe, but you are not likely to confide everything to me. Everything without any exception. Allow me to feel someone doubtful. You have not told me where you spent four hours yesterday. Because I did not think it was worth mentioning. I made the acquaintance of those persons during my journey. I believe them to be worthy and respectable, and the right sort of people for me to visit, unless you should be of a different opinion. God forbid it is a very respectable house, frequented by honest people. They are delighted at having made your acquaintance. You are much liked by everybody, and they hope to retain you as a friend. I have heard all about it this morning, but you must not go there too often, and as a regular guest. Must I cease my visits at once, and without cause? No, it would be a want of politeness on your part. You may go there once or twice every week, but do not be a constant visitor. You are a sighing, my son? No, I assure you not. I will obey you. I hope it may not be only a matter of obedience, and I trust your heart will not feel it a hardship, but, if necessary, your heart must be conquered. Recollect that the heart is the greatest enemy of reason. Yet they can be made to agree. We often imagine so, but just trust the animism of your dear Horace. You know that there is no middle course with it. Nisiparet imperat. I know it, but in the family of which we were speaking, there is no danger for my heart. I am glad of it, because in that case, it will be all the easier for you to abstain from frequent visits. Remember that I shall trust you. And I, Reverend Father, will listen to and follow your good advice. I will visit Donna Cicilia only now and then. Feeling most unhappy, I took his hand to press it against my lips, but he folded me in his arms as a father might have done, and turned himself round so as not to let me see that he was weeping. I dined at the Cardinal's palace, and sat near the ambigamma. The table was laid for twelve persons, who all wore the costume of priests. For in Rome, everyone is a priest, or wishes to be thought priest, and as there is no law to forbid anyone to dress like an ecclesiastic, that dress is adopted by all those who should be respected, noblemen accepted, even if they are not in the ecclesiastical profession. I felt very miserable, and did not utter a word during the dinner. My silence was construed into a proof of my sagacity. As we rose from the table, the ambigamma invited me to spend the day with him, but I declined under pretense of letters to be written, and I truly did so for seven hours. I wrote to Don Leilio, to Don Antonio, to my young friend Paul, and to the worthy bishop of Martorano, who answered that he hardly wished himself in my place. Deeply in a mord of Lucrezia and happy in my love, to give her up appeared to me a shameful action. In order to ensure the happiness of my future life, I was beginning to be the executioner of my present felicity and the fermentor of my heart. I revolted against such a necessity which I judged fictitious, in which I could not admit unless I stood guilty of vileness before the tribunal of my own reason. I thought that Father Giorgi, if he wished to forbid my visiting that family, ought not to have said that it was worthy of respect. My sorrow would not have been so intense. The day and the whole of the night were spent in painful thoughts. In the morning the abigamma brought me a great book filled with ministerial letters from which I was to compile for my amusement. After a short time devoted to that occupation, I went out to take my first French lesson, after which I walked towards the Strada Condotta. I intended to take a long walk when I heard myself called by my name. I saw the abigamma in front of a coffee-house. I whispered to him that Minerva had forbidden me the coffee-rooms of Rome. Minerva, he answered, desires you to form some idea of such places. Sit down by me. I heard a young abe telling aloud but without bitterness a story which attacked in a most direct manner the justice of his holiness. Everybody was laughing and echoing the story. Another, being asked why he had left the services of Cardinal B, answered that it was because his eminence did not think himself called upon to pay him apart for certain private services, and everybody laughed outright. Another came to the abigamma and told him that if he felt any inclination to spend the afternoon at the Villa Medici's, he would find him there with two young Roman girls who were satisfied with a quartino, a gold coin worth one-fourth of a sequin. Another abe read an incendiary sonnet against the government, and several took a copy of it. Another read a satire of his own composition in which he tore to pieces the honour of a family. In the middle of all that confusion I saw a priest with a very attractive countenance come in. The size of his hips made me take him for a woman dressed in men's clothes, and I said so to Gamma, who told me that he was the celebre castrato, Bepino del tamamana. The abe called him to us and told him with a laugh that I had taken him for a girl. The impudent fellow looked me full in the face and said that, if I liked, he would show me whether I had been right or wrong. At the dinner table everyone spoke to me, and I fancied I had given proper answers to all, but when the repasse was over, the abe Gamma invited me to take coffee in his own apartment. The moment we were alone he told me that all the guests I had met were worthy and honest men, and he asked me whether I believed that I had succeeded in pleasing the company. I flattered myself I have, I answered. You are wrong, said the abe. You are flattering yourself. You have so conspicuously avoided the questions put to you that everybody in the room noticed you're extreme reserve. In the future no one will ask you any questions. I should be sorry if it should turn out so, but was I to expose my own concerns? No, but there is a medium in all things. Yes, the medium of horrors, but it is often a matter of great difficulty to hit it exactly. A man ought to know how to obtain affection and esteem at the same time. That is the very wish nearest to my heart. You have tried for the esteem much more than for the affection of your fellow creatures. It may be a noble aspiration, but you must prepare yourself to fight jealousy and her daughter, Calumni. If those two monsters do not succeed in destroying you, the victory must be yours. Now, for instance, you thoroughly refuted Sariceti today. Well, he is a physician, and what is more a Corsican? He must feel badly towards you. Could I grant that the longings of women during their pregnancy have to influence whatever on the skin of the fetus? When I know the reverse to be the case, are you not of my opinion? I am for neither party. I have seen many children with some such marks, but I have no means of knowing with certainty whether those marks have their origin and some longing experienced by the mother while she was pregnant. But I can swear it is so. All the better for you if your conviction is based upon such evidence and all the worse for Sariceti if he denies the possibility of a thing without certain authority. But let him remain an error. It is better thus than to prove him in the wrong and to make a bitter enemy of him. In the evening I called upon Lucretia. The family knew my success and warmly congratulated me. Lucretia told me that I looked sad and I answered that I was assisting at the funeral of my liberty for I was no longer my own master. Her husband, always fond of a joke, told her that I was in love with her and his mother-in-law advised him not to show so much intrepidity. I only remained an hour with those charming persons and then took leave of them. But the very air around me was heated by the flame within my breast. When I reached my room I began to write and spent the night in composing an ode which I sent the next day to the advocate. I was certain that he would shoe it to his wife who loved poetry and who did not yet know that I was a poet. I abstained from seeing her again for three or four days. I was learning French and making extracts from ministerial letters. His eminence was in the habit of receiving every evening and his rooms were thronged with the highest nobility of Rome. I had never attended these receptions. The Abigamma told me that I ought to do so as well as he did without any pretension. I followed his advice and went. Nobody spoke to me. But as I was unknown everyone looked at me and inquired who I was. The Abigamma asked me which was the lady who appeared to me the most amiable and I showed him one to him but I regretted having done so for the courtier went to her and of course informed her of what I had said. Soon afterwards I saw her look at me through her eyeglass and smiled kindly upon me. She was the Marquianus G whose chichisbeo was cardinal S.C. On the very day I had fixed to spend the evening with Donna Lucrezia the worthy advocate called upon me. He told me that if I thought I was going to prove I was not in love with his wife by staying away I was very much mistaken and he invited me to accompany all the family to Testatio where they intended to have luncheon on the following Thursday. He added that his wife knew my ode by heart and that she had read it to the intended husband of Angelique who had a great wish to make my acquaintance. The gentleman was likewise a poet and would be one of the party to Testatio. I promised the advocate I would come to his house on the Thursday with a carriage for two. At that time every Thursday in October was a festival day in Rome. I went to see Donna Cecilia in the evening and we talked about the excursion the whole time. I felt certain that Donna Lucrezia looked forward to it with as much pleasure as I did myself. We had no fixed plan. We could not have any, but we trusted to the God of love and tacitly placed our confidence in his protection. I took care that Father Georgie should not hear of that excursion before I mentioned it to him myself and listened to him in order to obtain his permission to go. I confessed that to obtain his leave I professed the most complete indifference about it and the consequence was that the good man insisted upon my going saying that it was a family party and that it was quite right for me to visit the environs of Rome and to enjoy myself in a respectable way. I went to Donna Cecilia's in a carriage which I hired from a certain Roland a native of Avignon and if I insist here upon his name I will meet him again in 18 years his acquaintance with me having had very important results. The charming widow introduced me to Don Francisco her intended son-in-law whom she represented as a great friend of literary men and very deeply learned himself. I accepted it as gospel and behaved accordingly yet I thought he looked rather heavy and not sufficiently elated for a young man on the point of marrying such a pretty girl as Angelique. But he had plenty of good nature and plenty of money and these are better than learning and gallantry. As we were ready to get into the carriages the advocate told me that he would ride with me in my carriage and that the three ladies would go with Don Francisco and the other. I answered at once that he ought to keep Don Francisco company and that I claimed the privilege of taking care of Don Cecilia adding that I should feel dishonored if things were arranged differently. Thereupon I offered my arm to the handsome widow who thought the arrangement according to the rules of etiquette and good breeding and an approving look of malucrecia gave me the most agreeable sensation. The proposal of the advocate struck me somewhat unpleasantly because it was in contradiction with his former behaviour and especially with what he had said to me in my room a few days before. Has he become jealous, I said to myself? That would have made me almost angry but the hope of bringing him round during our stay at Distaccio cleared away the dark cloud on my mind and I was very amiable to Don Cecilia. What with lunching and walking we contrived to pass the afternoon very pleasantly. I was very gay and my love for Lucrezia was not once mentioned. I was all attention to her mother. I occasionally addressed myself to Lucrezia but not once to the advocate feeling this the best way to show him that he had insulted me. As we prepared to return the advocate carried off Don Cecilia and went with her to the carriage where already seated Angelica and Don Francisco. Scarcely able to control my delight I offered my arm to Don Lucrezia paying her some absurd compliment while the advocate laughed outright and seemed to enjoy the trick he imagined he had played me. How many things we might have said to each other before giving ourselves up to the material enjoyment of our love had not the instance been so precious but aware that we had only half an hour before us we were sparing of the minutes. We were absorbed in voluptuous pleasure when suddenly Lucrezia exclaims oh dear how unhappy we are. She pushes me back, composes herself the carriage stops and the servant opens the door what is the matter I inquire, we are at home. Whenever I recollect the circumstance it seems to me fabulous for it is not possible to annihilate time and the horses were regular old screws but we were lucky all through the night was dark and my beloved Angel happened to be on the right side to get out of the carriage first so that although the advocate was at the door of the brothel as soon as the footman everything went right owing to the slow manner in which Lucrezia elided I remained at Dona Cecilia's until midnight when I got home again I went to bed but how could I sleep I felt burning in me the flame which I had not been able to restore to its original source in the too short distance from Testatio to Rome it was consuming me oh unhappy are those who believe that the pleasures of Sathera are worth having unless they are enjoyed in the most perfect accord by two hearts overflowing with love I only rose in time for my French lesson my teacher had a pretty daughter named Barbara who was always present during my lessons and who sometimes taught me herself with even more exactitude than her father the good-looking young man who likewise took lessons was courting her and I soon perceived that she loved him this young man called often upon me and I liked him especially on account of his reserve for although I made him confess his love for Barbara he always changed the subject if I mentioned it in our conversation I had made up my mind to respect his reserve and not alluded to his affection for several days but all at once I remarked that he had ceased his visits both to me and to his teacher and at the same time observed that the young girl was no longer present at my lessons I felt some curiosity to know what had happened although it was not after all any concern of mine a few days after, as I was returning from church I met the young man and reproached him for keeping away from us all he told me that great sorrow had befallen him which had fairly turned his brain and that he was a prey to the most intense despair his eyes were wet with tears as I was leaving him he held me back and I told him that I would no longer be his friend unless he opened his heart to me he took me to one of the cloisters and he spoke thus I have loved Barbara for the last six months and for three months she has given me indisputable proofs of her affection five days ago we were betrayed by the servant and the father caught us in a rather delicate position he left the room without saying one word I followed him, thinking of throwing myself at his feet but as I appeared before him he took hold of me by the arm, pushed me roughly to the door and forbade me ever to present myself again at his house I cannot claim her hand in marriage because one of my brothers is married and my father is not rich I have no profession and my mistress has nothing alas, now I have confessed all to you tell me I entreat you how she is certain that she is as miserable as I am myself I cannot manage to get a letter delivered to her for she does not leave the house even to attend church unhappy wretch, what shall I do? I could but pity him for as a man of honour it was impossible for me to interfere in such a business I told him that I had not seen Barbara for five days and not knowing what to say I gave him the advice which is tendered by all fools under similar circumstances I told him to forget his mistress we had then reached the cave of Ripetta and observing that he was casting dark looks towards the Tiber I feared his despair might lead him to commit some foolish attempt against his own life and in order to calm his excited feelings I promised to make some inquiries from the father about his mistress and to inform him of all I heard he felt quieted by my promise and entreated me not to forget him in spite of the fire which had been raging through my veins ever since the excursion to Testatio I had not seen my Lucrezia for four days I dreaded Father George's suave manner and I was still more afraid of finding he had made up his mind to give me no more advice but unable to resist my desires I called upon Lucrezia after my French lesson and found her alone, sad and dispirited she exclaimed as soon as I was by her side I might find time to come and see me my beloved one, it is not that I cannot find time but I am so jealous of my love that I would rather die than let it be known publicly I have been thinking of inviting you all to dine with me at Frascati I will send you a feeten and I trust that some lucky accident will smile upon our love oh yes, do dearest, I am sure your invitation will be accepted in a quarter of an hour the rest of the family came in I preferred my invitation for the following Sunday which happened to be the festival of Saint Ursula, patroness of Lucrezia's youngest sister I begged Dona Cecilia to bring her as well as her son my proposal being readily accepted I gave notice that the feeten would be at Dona Cecilia's door at seven o'clock and that I would come myself with the carriage for two persons the next day I went to Monsieur de l'Aqua and after my lesson I saw Barbara, who passing from one room to another dropped a paper and earnestly looked at me I felt bound to pick it up because a servant who was at hand might have seen it and taken it it was a letter enclosing another address to her lover the note for me ran thus if you think it to be a sin to deliver the enclose to your friend, burn it have pity on an unfortunate girl and be discreet the enclosed letter which was unsealed ran as follows if you love me as deeply as I love you you cannot hope to be happy without me we cannot correspond in any other way than the one I am bold enough to adopt I am ready to do anything to unite our lives until death consider and decide the cruel situation of the poor girl moved me almost to tears yet I determined to return her letter the next day and I enclosed it in a note in which I begged her to excuse me if I could not render her the service she required at my hands I put it in my pocket ready for delivery the next day I went for my lesson as usual, but not seeing Barbara I had no opportunity of returning her letter and postponed its delivery to the following day unfortunately just after I had returned to my room the unhappy lover made his appearance his eyes were red from weeping, his voice hoarse he drew such a vivid picture of his misery I was not dreading some mad action counseled by despair I could not withhold from him the consolation which I knew it was in my power to give this was my first error in this fatal business I was the victim of my own kindness the poor fellow read the letter over and over he kissed it with transports of joy he wept, hugged me and thanked me for saving his life and finally entreated me to take charge of his answer as his beloved mistress must be longing for consolation much as he had been himself assuring me that his letter could not in any way implicate me and that I was at liberty to read it and truly although very long his letter contained nothing but the assurance of everlasting love and hopes which could not be realized yet I was wrong to accept the character of Mercury to the two young lovers to refuse I had only to recollect that Father Giorgi would certainly have disapproved of my easy compliance the next day I found Monsieur de Lacroix ill in bed his daughter gave me my lesson in his room and I thought that perhaps she had obtained her pardon I contrived to give her her lover's letter which she dexterously conveyed to her pocket but her blushes would have easily betrayed her if her father had been looking that way after the lesson I gave Monsieur de Lacroix notice that I would not come on the morrow as it was the festival of Saint Ursula one of the eleven thousand princesses in Marta Virgins in the evening at the reception of his eminence which I attended regularly although persons of a distinction seldom spoke to me the cardinal beckoned to me he was speaking to the beautiful Marconis G to whom Gamma had indiscreetly confided that I thought her the handsomest woman amongst his eminence's guests her grace at the cardinal wishes to know whether you are making rapid progress in the French language which she speaks admirably I answered an Italian that I had learned a great deal that I was not yet bold enough to speak you should be bold said the Marconis but without showing any pretension it is the best way to disarm criticism my mind having almost unwittingly lent to the words you should be bold a meaning which had very likely been far from the idea of the Marconis I turned very red and the handsomest speaker observing it changed the conversation and dismissed me the next morning at seven o'clock I was at Dona Cecilia's door the faton was there as well as the carriage for two persons which this time was an elegant vis-à-vis so light and well hung that Dona Cecilia praised it highly when she took her seat I shall have my turn as we return to Rome, said Lucrezia, and I bowed to her as if in acceptance of her promise Lucrezia thus set suspicion at defiance in order to prevent suspicion arising happiness was assured and I gave way to my natural flow of spirits I ordered a splendid dinner and we all set out towards the Villa Ludovisi as we might have missed each other during our ramblings we agreed to meet again at the inn at one o'clock the discreet widow took the arm of her son-in-law Angélique remained with her sister and Lucrezia was my delightful share Ursula and her brother were running about together and in less than a quarter of an hour I had Lucrezia entirely to myself Did you remark, she said, with what candor I secured for us two hours of delightful tetetet and a tetetet in a vis-à-vis too how clever love is Yes, darling, love has made but one of our two souls I adore you and if I have the courage to pass so many days without seeing you it is an order to be rewarded by the freedom of one single day like this I did not think it possible but you have managed it all very well You know too much for your age, dearest A month ago, my beloved, I was but an ignorant child and you are the first woman who has initiated me into the mysteries of love Your departure will kill me for I could not find another woman like you in all Italy What? I am your first love? Alas, you will never be cured of it Oh, why am I not entirely your own? You are also the first true love of my heart and you will be the last How great will be the happiness of my successor I should not be jealous of her, but what suffering would be mine if I thought that her heart was not like mine Lucrezia, seeing my eyes wet with tears, began to give way to her own and, seeding ourselves on the grass, our lips drank our tears amidst the sweetest kisses How sweet is the nectar of the tears shed by love when that nectar is relished amidst the raptures of mutual ardour I have often tasted them, those delicious tears, and I can say, knowingly, that the ancient physicians were right and that the modern are wrong In a moment of calm seeing the disorder in which we both were I told her that we might be surprised Do not fear, my best beloved, she said We are under the guardianship of our good angels We are resting and reviving our strength by gazing into one another's eyes When suddenly Lucrezia, casting a glance to the right, exclaimed Look there, idol of my heart, have I not told you so? Yes, the angels are watching over us Ah, how he stares at us, he seems to try to give us confidence Look at that little demon, admire him He must certainly be your guardian spirit or mine I thought she was delirious What are you saying, dearest? I do not understand you What am I to admire? Do you not see that beautiful serpent with a blazing skin Which lifts its head and seems to worship us? I looked in the direction she indicated and saw a serpent with changeable colours About three feet in length, which did seem to be looking at us I was not particularly pleased at the sight But I could not show myself less courageous than she was What, I said, are you not afraid? I tell you again that the sight is delightful to me And I feel certain that it is a spirit with nothing but the shape Or rather the appearance of a serpent And if the spirit came gliding along the grass and hissed at you I would hold you tighter against my bosom and set him at defiance In your arms, Lucrezia is safe Look, the spirit is going away, quick, quick He is warning us of the approach of some profane person And tells us to seek some other retreat to renew our pleasures Let us go We rose and slowly advanced towards Dona Cecilia and the advocate Who were just emerging from a neighbouring valley Without avoiding them and without hurrying Just as if to meet one another was a very natural occurrence I inquired of Dona Cecilia whether her daughter had any fear of serpents In spite of all her strength of mind She answered, she is dreadfully afraid of thunder And she will scream with terror at the sight of the smallest snake There are some here but she need not be frightened For they are not venomous I was speechless with astonishment For I discovered that I had just witnessed a wonderful love miracle At that moment the children came up And without ceremony we again parted company Tell me, wonderful being, bewitching woman What would you have done if instead of your pretty serpent You had seen your husband and your mother? Nothing Do you not know that in moments of such rapture Lovers see and feel nothing but love? Do you doubt having possessed me wholly entirely? Lucretia in speaking thus was not composing a poetical ode She was not feigning fictitious sentiments Her looks, the sound of her voice, were truth itself Are you certain, I inquired, that we are not suspected? My husband does not believe us to be in love with each other Or else he does not mind such trifling pleasures As youth is generally want to indulge in My mother is a clever woman and perhaps she suspects the truth But she is aware that it is no longer any concern of hers As to my sister, she must know everything For she cannot have forgotten the broken-down bed But she is prudent and besides she has taken it into her head to pity me She has no conception of the nature of my feelings towards you If I had not met you, my beloved, I should probably have gone through life Without realizing such feelings myself For what I feel for my husband Well, I have for him the obedience which my position as a wife imposes upon me And yet he is most happy and I envy him He can clasp in his arms all your lovely person whenever he likes There is no hateful veil to hide any of your charms from his gaze Oh, where art thou, my dear serpent? Come to us, come and protect us against the surprise of the uninitiated And this very instant I fulfill all the wishes of him I adore We pass the morning in repeating that we loved each other And in exchanging over and over again substantial proofs of our mutual passion We had a delicious dinner during which I was all attention for the amiable Don Sicilia My pretty tortoise-shelled box, filled with excellent snuff, went more than once round the table As it happened to be in the hands of Lucrezia who was sitting on my left Her husband told her that if I had no objection she might give me her ring and keep the snuff box in exchange Thinking that the ring was not of as much value as the box I immediately accepted But I found the ring of greater value Lucrezia would not, however, listen to anything on that subject She put the box in her pocket and thus compelled me to keep her ring Dessert was nearly over, the conversation was very animated When suddenly the intended husband of Angelique claimed her attention for the reading of a sonnet which he had composed and dedicated to me I thanked him in placing the sonnet in my pocket promised to write one for him This was not, however, what he wished He expected that, stimulated by emulation, I would call for paper and pen and sacrifice to Apollo hours Which it was much more to my taste to employ in worshipping another god whom his cold nature knew only by name We drank coffee, I paid the bill, and we went about rambling through the labyrinthine alleys of the Villa Aldo Brandini What sweet recollections that Villa has left in my memory It seemed as if I saw my divine Lucrezia for the first time Our looks were full of ardent love, our hearts were beating in concert with the most tender impatience And a natural instinct was leading us towards a solitary asylum Which the hand of love seemed to have prepared on purpose for the mysteries of its secret worship There, in the middle of a long avenue and under a canopy of thick foliage We found a wide sofa made of grass and sheltered by a deep thicket From that place our eyes could range over an immense plain And view the avenue to such a distance right and left that we were perfectly secure against any surprise We did not require to exchange one word at the sight of this beautiful temple so favorable to our love Our hearts spoke the same language Without a word being spoken our ready hands soon managed to get rid of all obstacles And to expose in a state of nature all the beauties which are generally veiled by troublesome wearing apparel Two whole hours were devoted to the most delightful loving ecstasies At last we exclaimed together in mutual ecstasy Oh love, we think thee We slowly retraced our steps towards the carriages, reveling in our intense happiness Lucrezia informed me that Angelic Souter was wealthy That he owned a splendid villa at Tivoli And that most likely he would invite us all to dine in past the night there I pray the God of love, she added, to grant us a night as beautiful as this day has been Then, looking sad, she said, but alas the ecclesiastical lawsuit Which has brought my husband to Rome is progressing so favorably That I am mortally afraid he will obtain judgment all too soon The journey back to the city lasted two hours We were alone in my vis-à-vis and we overtaxed nature, exacting more than it can possibly give As we were getting near Rome we were compelled to let the curtain fall before the denouement of the drama Which we had performed to the complete satisfaction of the actors I returned home rather fatigued, but the sound sleep which was so natural in my age restored my full vigor And in the morning I took my French lesson at the usual hour Chapter 1 Of the Memoirs of Jacques Casanova Volume 1 By Giacomo Casanova This is a Librovox recording All Librovox recordings are in the public domain For more information and to volunteer, please visit Librovox.org Recording by Anna Simon The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova Volume 1 The Venetian Years By Giacomo Casanova Episode 2 Cleric and Naples Chapter 10 Part 1 After Dadaqua being very ill, his daughter Barbara gave me my lesson When it was over she seized an opportunity of slipping a letter into my pocket And immediately disappeared so that I had no chance of refusing The letter was addressed to me and expressed feelings of the warmest gratitude She only desired me to inform her lover that her father had spoken to her again And that most likely he would engage as new servant as soon as he had recovered from his illness And she concluded her letter by assuring me that she never would implicate me in this business Her father was compelled to keep his bed for a fortnight And Barbara continued to give me my lesson every day I felt for her an interest which, from me to what's a young and pretty girl Was indeed quite a new sentiment It was a feeling of pity And I was proud of being able to help and comfort her Her eyes never rested upon mine Her hand never met mine I never saw in her toilette the slightest wish to please me She was very pretty and I knew she had a tender loving nature But nothing interfered with her respect and the regard which I was bound in honour And in good faith to feel towards her And I was proud to remark that she never thought me capable of taking advantage of her weakness or of her position When the father had recovered he dismissed his servant and engaged another Barbara entreated me to inform her friend of the circumstance And likewise of her hope to gain the new servant through their interests At least sufficiently to secure the possibility of carrying on some correspondence I promised to do so and as a mark of her gratitude she took my hand to carry it to her lips But quickly withdrawing it I tried to kiss her She turned her face away blushing deeply I was much pleased with her modesty Barbara having succeeded in gaining the new servant over I had nothing more to do with the intrigue and I was very glad of it For I knew my interference might have brought evil on my own head Unfortunately it was already too late I seldom visited Don Gaspar The study of the French language took up all my mornings And it was only in the morning that I could see him But I called every evening upon Father Georgie And although I went to him only as one of his protégés It gave me some reputation I seldom spoke before his guests Yet I never felt wary For in his circle his friends would criticise without slandering Discuss politics without stubbornness And literature without passion And I profited by all After my visit to the sagacious monk I used to attend the assembly of the cardinal, my master, as a matter of duty Almost every evening when she happened to see me at her card-table The beautiful Marchioness would address to me a few gracious words in French And I always answered in Italian Not caring to make her laugh before so many persons My feelings for her were of a singular kind I must leave them to the analysis of the reader I thought that woman charming Yet I avoided her It was not because I was afraid of falling in love with her I loved Lucacia And I firmly believed that such an affection was a shield against any other attachment But it was because I feared that she might love me Or have a passing fancy for me Was it self-conceit or modesty Vice or virtue Perhaps neither one nor the other One evening she desired the Abbe Gamma to call me to her She was standing near the cardinal, my patron And the moment I approached her She caused me a strange feeling of surprise By asking me in Italian A question which I was far from anticipating How do you like Frascati? Very much, madam I've never seen such a beautiful place But your company was still more beautiful And your vis-a-vis was very smart I only bowed low to the Martianess And a moment after Cardinal Accaviva said to me kindly You're astonished at your adventure being known No, my lord, but I'm surprised that people should talk of it I could not have believed Rome to be so much like a small village The longer you live in Rome, says Eminence The more you will find it so Have you not yet presented yourself to kiss the foot of our holy father? Not yet, my lord Then you must do so I bowed in compliance to his wishes The Abbey Gamma told me to present myself to the Pope on the mural And he added Of course you have already shown yourself in the Martianess G's palace No, I've never been there You astonish me, but she often speaks to you I have no objection to go with you I never visit at her palace Yet she speaks to you likewise Yes, but you do not know Rome Go alone, believe me, you ought to go Will she receive me? You're joking, I suppose Of course it is out of the question for you to be announced You will call when the doors are wide open to everybody You will meet there all those who pay homage to her Will she see me? No doubt of it On the following day I proceeded to Montecavio And I was at once led into the room where the Pope was alone I threw myself on my knees And kissed the holy cross on his most holy slipper The Pope inquiring who I was, I told him And he answered that he knew me, congratulating me Upon my being in the service of so eminent a cardinal He asked me how I had succeeded in gaining the cardinal's favor I answered with a faithful recital of my adventures For my arrival at Martorano He laughed heartily at all I said Respecting the poor and worthy bishop And remarked that instead of trying to address him in Tuscan I could speak in the Venetian dialect As he was himself speaking to me in the dialect of Bologna I felt quite at my ease with him And I told him so much news and amused him so well That the Holy Father kindly said that he would be glad to see me Whenever I presented myself at Montecavio I begged his permission to read all forbidden books And he grounded it with his blessing Saying that I should have the permission in writing But he forgot it Benedict XIV was a learned man Very amiable and fond of a joke I saw him for the second time at the Via Militis He called me to him and continued his walk Speaking of trifling things He was then accompanied by cardinal Albani And the ambassador from Venice A man of modest appearance approached his holiness Who asked what he required The man said a few words in a low voice And, after listening to him, the Pope answered You're right, place your trust in God And he gave him his blessing The poor fellow went away very dejected And the Holy Father continued his walk This man, I said, most Holy Father Has not been pleased with the answer of your holiness Why? Because most likely he had already addressed himself to God Before he ventured to apply it to you And when your holiness sends him to God again He finds himself sent back, as the proverb says From Herod to Pilate The Pope, as well as his two companions Laughed heartily, but I kept a serious countenance I cannot, continued the Pope Do any good without God's assistance Very true, Holy Father But the man is aware that you are God's Prime Minister And it is easy to imagine his trouble Now that the minister sends him again to the Master His only resource is to give money to the beggars of Rome Who, for one, by Yoko will pray for him They boast of their influence before the throne of the Almighty But, as I have faith only in your credit I entreat your holiness to deliver me of the heat Which inflames my eyes by granting me permission to eat meat Eat meat, my son Holy Father, give me your blessing You blessed me, adding that I was not dispensed from fasting That very evening, at the Cardinals' Assembly I found that the news of my dialogue with the Pope was already known Everybody was anxious to speak to me I felt flattered, but I was much more delighted At the joy which Cardinal Aquaviva tried in vain to conceal As I wished not to neglect Gamma's advice I presented myself the mention of the beautiful Martianess At the hour at which everyone had free access to her ladyship I saw her, I saw the Cardinal and a great many abbeys But I might have supposed myself invisible For no one honored me with a look and no one spoke to me I left after having performed for half an hour the character of a mute Five or six days afterwards the Martianess told me graciously That she had caught a sight of me in her reception in the rooms I was there, it is true madam But I had no idea that it had the honour to be seen by a ladyship Oh, I see everybody, they tell me that you have wit If there's not a mistake on the part of your informants Your ladyship gives me very good news Oh, they're excellent judges Then madam, those persons must have honored me with our conversation Otherwise it is not likely that they would have been able to express such an opinion No doubt, but let me see you often at my receptions Our conversation had been overheard by those who were around His Excellency the Cardinal told me that when the Martianess addressed herself particularly to me in French My duty was to answer her in the same language, good or bad The cunning politician Gama took me apart and remarked that my repertees were too smart, too cutting And that after a time I would be sure to displease I had made considerable progress in French, I had given up my lessons and practice was all I required I was then in the habit of calling sometimes upon Lucretia in the morning And of visiting in the evening Father Georgie, who was acquainted with the excursion to Fascati And had not expressed any dissatisfaction Two days after the sword of command laid upon me by the Martianess I presented myself at her reception As soon as she saw me she favoured me with a smile which I acknowledged by a deep reference That was all In a quarter of an hour afterwards I left the mansion The Martianess was beautiful but she was powerful and I could not make up my mind to crawl at the feet of power And on that head I felt disgusted with the manners of the Romans One morning towards the end of November the Advocate accompanied by Angelics intended cold on me The latter gave me a pressing invitation to spend twenty-four hours at Tivoli with a friend I'd entertained at Fascati I accepted with great pleasure, for I had found no opportunity of being alone with Lucretia since the festival of St. Ursula I promised to be at Donac Cecilia's house at daybreak with the same vis-a-vis It was necessary to start very early because Tivoli is sixteen miles from Rome And has so many objects of interest that it requires many hours to see them all As I had to sleep out that night I craved permission to do so from the Cardinal himself Who, hearing with whom I was going, told me that I was quite right not to lose such an opportunity of visiting that splendid place in such good society The first dawn of day found me with my vis-a-vis and four at the door of Donac Cecilia, who came with me as before The charming widow, notwithstanding her strict morality, was delighted at my love for her daughter The family rode a large pheasant, hired by Don Francesco, which gave room for six persons At half past seven in the morning we made a halt at a small place where had been prepared by Don Francesco's orders An excellent breakfast, which was intended to replace their dinner, and we all made a hearty meal As we were not likely to find time for anything but supper at Tivoli I wore on my finger the beautiful ring which Lucretia had given me At the back of the ring I had had a piece of animal placed on it was delineated as seduces With one serpent between the letters alpha and omega This ring was a subject of conversation during breakfast, and Don Francesco, as well as the advocate, exerted himself in vain to get the meaning of the higher glyphs Much to the amusement of Lucretia, who understood the mysterious secret so well We continued our road and reached Tivoli at ten o'clock We began by visiting Don Francesco's villa. It was a beautiful little house, and we spent the following six hours in examining together the antiquities of Tivoli Lucretia, having occasioned to whisper a few words to Don Francesco, I seized the opportunity of telling Angelique that after her marriage I should be happy to spend a few days of the fine season with her Sir, she answered, I give you fair notice that the moment I become mistress in this house you will be the very first person to be excluded I feel greatly obliged to you, Signora, for your timely notice But the most amusing part of the affair was that I construed Angelique's wanton insult into a declaration of love I was astounded. Lucretia, remarking the state I was in, touched my arm, inquiring what ailed me I told her, and she said at once, My darling, my happiness cannot last long. The cruel moment of our separation is drawing near When I've gone, pray and I'll take the task of compelling her to acknowledge her error Angelique pities me, be sure to avenge me I've forgotten to mention that at Don Francesco's villa I happened to praise a very pretty room opening upon the orange house And the amiable host, having heard me, came obligingly to me, and said that it should be my room that night Lucretia feigned not to hear, but it was to her Ariadne's clue, for, as we were to remain altogether during our visit to the beauties of Tivoli We had no chance of a tether-tether through the day I have said that we devoted six hours to an examination of the antiquities of Tivoli But I am bound to confess here that I saw, for my part, very little of them And it was only twenty-eight years later that I made a thorough acquaintance with the beautiful spot We returned to the villa to this evening, fatigued and very hungry, but then hours rest before supper A repast, which lasted two hours, the most delicious dishes, the most exquisite wines, and particularly the excellent wine of Tivoli Restored us so well that everybody wanted nothing more than a good bed, and the freedom to enjoy the bed according to his own taste As everybody objected to sleep alone, Lucretia said that she would sleep with Angelique in one of the rooms leading to the orange house And proposed that her husband should share a room with a young Abbey, his brother-in-law And that Donna Cheshirea should take her youngest daughter with her The arrangement met with general approbation, and on Francesco, taking a candle, escorted me to my pretty little room Adjoining the one in which the two sisters would sleep And, after showing me how I could lock myself in, he wished me good night and left me alone Angelique had no idea that I was her near-neighbour But Lucretia and I, without exchanging a single word on the subject, had perfectly understood each other I watched through the keyhole, and saw the two sisters come into their room, preceded by the polite Don Francesco, who carried a taper And, after lighting a night-lamp, bade them good night and retired Then my two beauties, their door once locked, sat down on the sofa, and completed their night-toilet Which, in that fortunate climate, is similar to the costume of our first mother Lucretia, knowing that I was waiting to come in, told her sister to lie down on the side towards the window And the virgin, having no idea that she was exposing her most secret beauties to my profane eyes, crossed the room in a state of complete nakedness Lucretia put out the lamp and lay down near her innocent sister Happy moments, which I can no longer enjoy, but the sweet remembrance of which death alone can make me lose I believe I never undressed myself as quickly as I did that evening I opened the door and fall into the arms of my Lucretia, who sest her sister It is my angel, my love, never mind him, and go to sleep What a delightful picture I could offer to my readers, if it were possible for me to paint full luptuousness in its most enchanting colours What ecstasy of love, from the very onset What delicious raptures succeeded each other until the sweetest fatigue made us give way to the soothing influence of Morpheus The first rays of the sun, piercing through the crevices of the shutters, wake us out of our refreshing slumbers And like two valourous nights, who have ceased fighting only to renew the contest with increased ardour No time in giving ourselves up to all the intensity of the flame which consumes us Oh, my beloved Lucretia, how supremely happy I am But, my darling, mind your sister, she might turn round and see us Fear nothing, my life, my sister is kind, she loves me, she pities me Do you not love me, my dear Angelique? Oh, turn round, see how happy her sister is, and know what felicity awaits you when you own this way of love Angelique, a young maiden of seventeen summers, must have suffered the torments of tantalists during the night And who only wishes for a pretext to show that she has forgiven her sister Turns round, and covering her sister with kisses, confesses that she has not closed her eyes through the night Then forgive likewise, darling Angelique, forgive him who loves me and whom I adore Says Lucretia, unfathomable power of the God who conquers all human beings Angelique hates me, I say, I dare not No, I do not hate you, answers the charming girl Kiss her, dearest, says Lucretia, pushing me towards her sister And pleased to see her in my arms, motionless and languid But sentiment, still more than love, forbids me to deprive Lucretia out of proof of my gratitude And I turn to her with all the rapture of a beginner, feeling that my ardour is increased by Angelique's ecstasy As for the first time she witnesses the amorous contest Lucretia dying of enjoyment and treats me to stop, but as I do not listen to her prayer, she tricks me And the sweet Angelique makes her first sacrifice to the mother of love It is thus very likely that when the gods inhabited this earth, the voluptuous Arcadia, in love with the soft and pleasing breath of Zephyrus One day opened her arms and was fecundated Lucretia was astonished and delighted, and covered its both with kisses Angelique, as happy as her sister, expired deliciously in my arms for the third time And she seconded me with so much loving ardour, that it seemed to me I was tasting happiness for the first time Phoebus had left the nuptial couch, and his rays were already diffusing light over the universe And that light, reaching us through the closed shutters, gave me warning to quit the place We exchanged the most loving ardours, I left my two divinities and retired to my own room A few minutes afterwards, the cheerful voice of the Advocate was heard in the Chamber of the Sisters He was reproaching them for sleeping too long Then he knocked at my door, threatening to bring the ladies to me, and went away, saying that he would send me the hairdresser After many ablutions and a careful toilette, I thought I could show my face, and I presented myself coolly in that drawing-room The two sisters were there with the other members of our society, and I was delighted with their rosy cheeks Lucretia was frank and gay, and beamed with happiness Angelique, as fresh as the morning dew, was more radiant than usual, but fidgety, and carefully avoided looking me in the face I saw that my useless attempts to catch her eyes made her smile, and I remarked to her mother, rather mischievously, that it was a pity Angelique used paint for her face She was duped by this tragedy, and compelled me to pass a handkerchief over her face, and was then obliged to look at me I offered her my apologies, and on Francesco appeared highly pleased that the complexion of his intended had met with such triumph After breakfast we took a walk through the garden, and, finding myself alone with Lucretia, I expostulated tenderly with her for having almost thrown her sister in my arms Do not reproach me, she said, when I deserve praise, I have brought light into the darkness of my charming sister's soul I have initiated her in the sweetest of mysteries, and now, instead of pitying me, she must envy me Far from having hatred for you, she must love you dearly, and as I am so unhappy as to have to part from you very soon, my beloved, I leave her to you She will replace me Ah, Lucretia, how can I love her? Is she not a charming girl? No doubt of it, but my adoration for you is a shield against any other love Besides, Don Francesco must, of course, entirely monopolise her, and I do not wish to cause coolness between them or to ruin the peace of their home I am certain your sister is not like you, and I would bet that, even now, she abrates herself for having given way to the ardour of her temperament Most likely, but dearest, I am sorry to say my husband expects to obtain judgement in the cause of this week, and then the short instance of happiness will forever be lost to me This was sad news indeed, and to cause a diversion at the breakfast-table I took much notice of the generous Don Francesco, and promised to compose a nuptial song for his wedding-day, which had been fixed for the early part of January We returned to Rome, and for the three hours that she was with me in my vis-à-vis, Lucretia had no reason to think that my ardour was at all abated But when we reached the city, I was rather fatigued and proceeded at once to the palace Lucretia had guessed rightly. Her husband obtained his judgement three or four days afterwards, and called upon me to announce their departure for the day after the morrow He expressed his warm friendship for me, and by his invitation I spent the two last evenings with Lucretia, but we were always surrounded by the family The day of her departure, wishing to cause her an agreeable surprise, I left Rome before them and waited for them at the place where I thought they would put up for the night But the Advocate, having been detained by several engagements, was detained in Rome, and they only reached the place next day for dinner We dined together, we exchanged a sad, painful farewell, and they continued their journey while I returned to Rome After the departure of this charming woman, I found myself in sort of solitude, very natural to a young man whose heart is not full of hope I passed whole days in my room, making extracts from the French letters written by the Cardinal, and his eminence was kind enough to tell me that my extracts were judiciously made, but that he insisted upon my not working so hard The beautiful marchiness was present when he paid me that compliment Since my second visit to her, I thought presented myself at her house. She was consequently rather cool to me, and, glad of an opportunity of making me feel her displeasure, she remarked to his eminence that very likely work was a consolation to me in the great void caused by the departure of Donna Lucretia I candidly confess, madam, that I have felt her loss deeply. She was kind and generous. Above all, she was indulgent when I did not call often upon her. My friendship for her was innocent I have no doubt of it, although your ode was the work of a poet deeply in love Oh, said a kindly Cardinal, a poet cannot possibly write without professing to be in love But, replied the marchiness, if the poet is really in love, he has no need of professing a feeling which he possesses As she was speaking, the marchiness drew out of her pocket a paper which she offered to his eminence This is the ode, she said. It does great honours to the poet, for it is admitted to be a masterpiece by all the literati in Rome, and Donna Lucretia knows it by heart The cardinal read it over, and returned it, smiling, and remarking that, as he had no taste for Italian poetry, she must give herself the pleasure of translating it into French rhyme if she wished him to admire it I only write French prose, answered the marchiness, and the prose translation destroys half the beauty of poetry I am satisfied with writing occasionally a little Italian poetry without any pretension to poetical fame Those words were accompanied by a very significant glance in my direction I should consider myself fortunate, madam, if I could obtain the happiness of admiring some of your poetry Here is a sonnet of her ladyships, said Cardinal S.C. I took it respectfully, and I prepared to read it, but the amiable marchiness told me to put it in my pocket and return it to the cardinal the next day Although she did not think the sonnet worth so much trouble If you should happen to go out in the morning, said Cardinal S.C., you could bring it back and dine with me Cardinal Aquaviva immediately answered for me. He'll be sure to go out purposely End of Chapter 10, Part 1 Chapter 10, Part 2 of the Memoirs of Jacques Casanova Volume 1 by Jacques-Como Casanova This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anna Simon The Memoirs of Jacques Casanova Volume 1 by Jacques-Como Casanova Chapter 10, Part 2 With a deep reverence, which expressed my thanks, I left the room quietly and returned to my apartment, very impatient to read the sonnet Yet, before satisfying my wish, I could not help making some reflections on the situation I began to think myself somebody since the gigantic stride I had made this evening at the Cardinal's Assembly The margin as the G had shown in the most open way the interest she felt in me And, under cover of her grandeur, had not hesitated to compromise herself publicly by the most flattering advances But who would have thought of disapproving a young Abbey like me, without any importance whatever, who could scarcely pretend to her high protection True, but she was precisely the woman to grant it to those who, feeling themselves unworthy of it, dared not show any pretensions to her patronage On that head, my modesty must be evident to everyone, and the Martianess would certainly have insulted me had she supposed me capable of sufficient vanity to fancy that she felt the slightest inclination for me No, such a piece of self-conceit was not in accordance with my nature Her Cardinal himself had invited me to dinner Would he have done so if he had admitted the possibility of the beautiful Martianess feeling anything for me? Of course not, and he gave me an invitation to dine with him only because he had understood, from the very word to the lady, that I was just the sort of person with whom they could converse for a few hours without any risk To be sure, without any risk whatever Oh, Master Casanova, do you really think so? Well, why should I put on a mask before my readers? They may think me conceited to their pleas, but the fact of the matter is that I felt sure of having made a conquest of the Martianess I congratulated myself because she had taken the first, most difficult and most important step Had she not done so, I should never have dared to lay siege to her even in the most approved fashion I should never have even ventured to dream of winning her It was only this evening that I thought she might replace Lucrezia She was beautiful, young, full of wit and talent She was fond of literary pursuits and very powerful in Rome, what more was necessary Yet I thought it would be good policy to appear ignorant of her inclination for me And to let her suppose from the very next day that I was in love with her But that my love appeared to me hopeless I knew that such a plan was infallible because it saved her dignity It seemed to me that Father Georgie himself would be compelled to approve such an undertaking And I had remarked with great satisfaction that Cardinal Acarviva had expressed his delight at Cardinal Essie's invitation An honour which he had never yet bestowed on me himself This affair might have very important results for me I read the Martianess's sonnet and found it easy, flowing and well written It was composed in praise of the King of Prussia who had just conquered Cilicia by a masterly stroke As I was copying it, the idea struck me to personify Cilicia And to make her, in answer to the sonnet, bewail that love Was supposed to be the author of the sonnet of the Martianess Could applaud the man who had conquered her when that conqueror was the sworn enemy of love It is impossible for a man accustomed to write poetry to abstain when a happy subject smiles upon his delighted imagination If he attempted to smother the poetical flame running through his veins it would consume him I composed my sonnet, keeping the same rhymes as in the original And, well pleased with my muse, I went to bed The next morning the Abbey Gamma came in, just as I had finished recopying my sonnet And said he would breakfast with me He complimented me upon the honour conferred on me by the invitation of Cardinal Essie But be prudent yet, for his eminence has the reputation of being jealous I thanked him for his friendly advice, taking care to assure him that I had nothing to fear Because I did not feel the slightest inclination for the handsome Martianess Cardinal Essie received me with great kindness, mingled with dignity To make me realise the importance of the favour he was bestowing upon me What do you think, he inquired of the sonnet Monsieur, it is perfectly written, and, what is more, it is a charming composition Allow me to return it to you with my thanks She has much talent, I wish to show you ten stanzas of her composition, my dear Abbey But you must promise to be very discreet about it Your eminence may rely on me He opened his bureau, and brought forth the stanzas of which he was the subject I read them, found them well written, but devoid of enthusiasm They were the work of a poet, and expressed love in the words of passion But were not pervaded by that peculiar feeling by which true love is so easily discovered The worthy Cardinal was doubtless guilty of a very great indiscretion But self-love is the cause of so many indudicious steps I asked his eminence whether he had answered the stanzas No, he replied, I have not But would you feel disposed to lend me your poetical pen, always under the seal of secrecy? As the secrecy, Monsignor, I promise it faithfully But I am afraid the Marchioness will remark the difference between your style and mine She has nothing of my composition, said the Cardinal I do not think she supposes me a fine poet For that reason your stanzas must be written in such a manner That she will not esteem them above my abilities I will write them with pleasure, Monsignor And your eminence can form an opinion If they do not seem good enough to be worthy of you They need not be given to the Marchioness That is well said Will you write them at once? What, now, Monsignor? That is not like prose Well, well, try to let me have them tomorrow We dined alone, and his eminence complimented me upon my excellent appetite Which he remarked was as good as his own But I was beginning to understand my eccentric host And, to flatter him, I answered that he praised me more than I deserved And that my appetite was inferior to his This singular compliment delighted him, and I saw all the use I could make of his eminence So it's the end of the dinner, as we were conversing, the Marchioness made her appearance And, as a matter of course, without being announced Her looks threw me into raptures, I thought her a perfect beauty She did not give the cardinal time to meet her, but sat down near him While I remained standing, according to Etiquette Without appearing to notice me, the Marchioness ran wittily over various topics Until coffee was brought in Then, addressing herself to me, she told me to sit down Just as if she was bestowing charity upon me By the by, Abby, she said, a minute after Have you read my sonnet? Yes, madam, and I have had the honour to return it to his eminence I have found it so perfect that I am certain it must have cost you a great deal of time Time, exclaimed the cardinal Oh, you do not know the Marchioness Monseigneur, I replied, nothing can be done well without time And that is why I have not dared to show to your eminence an answer to the sonnet Which I have written in half an hour Let us see it, Abby, said the Marchioness I want to read it Answer of Salicia to Love This title brought the most fascinating blushes on her countenance But Love is not mentioned in the sonnet, exclaimed the cardinal Wait, said the Marchioness, we must respect the idea of the poet She read the sonnet over and over And thought that the approaches addressed by Salicia to Love were very just She explained my idea to the cardinal Making him understand why Salicia was offended at having been conquered by the king of Prussia I see, I see, exclaimed the cardinal, full of joy Salicia is a woman and the king of Prussia Oh, oh, that's really a fine idea And the good cardinal laughed heartily for more than a quarter of an hour I must copy that sonnet, he added, indeed I must have it The Abby, said the obliging Marchioness, will save you the trouble I will dictate it to him I prepared to write, but his eminence suddenly exclaimed My dear Marchioness, this is wonderful He has kept the same rhymes as in your own sonnet, did you observe it? The beautiful Marchioness gave me then a look of such expression that she completed her conquest I understood that she wanted me to know the cardinal as well as she knew him It was a kind of partnership in which I was quite ready to play my part As soon as I'd written the sonnet under the charming woman's dictation I took my leave, but not before the cardinal had told me that he expected me to dinner the next day I had plenty of work before me for the ten stanzas I had to compose were of the most singular character And I lost no time in shutting myself up in my room to think of them I had to keep my balance between two points of equal difficulty And I felt that great care was indispensable I had to place the Marchioness in such a position that she could pretend to believe the cardinal the author of the stanzas And at the same time compel her to find out that I had written them And that I was aware of her knowing it It was necessary to speak so carefully that not one expression should breathe even the faintest hope on my part And yet to make my stanzas blaze with the ardent fire of my love under the thin veil of poetry As for the cardinal I knew well enough that the better the stanzas were written The more disposed he would be to sign them All I wanted was cleanness so difficult to obtain in poetry While a little doubtful darkness would have been accounted sublime by my new Midas But although I wanted to please him the cardinal was only a secondary consideration And the handsome Marchioness the principal object As the Marchioness in her verses had made a pompous enumeration of every physical and moral quality of his eminence It was of course natural that he should return the compliment and hear my task was easy At last having mastered my subject well I began my work And giving full career to my imagination and to my feelings I composed the ten stanzas And gave the finishing stroke with these two beautiful lines from Ariosto La Angelica Belletse nata al cello non si por no cellar sotto alcun vello Rather pleased with my production I presented it the next day to the cardinal Modestly saying that I doubted whether he would accept the authorship of so ordinary a composition He read the stanzas twice over without taste or expression And said at last that they were indeed not much but exactly what he wanted He thanked me particularly for the two lines from Ariosto Saying that they would assist in throwing the authorship upon himself As they would prove to the lady for whom they were intended That he had not been able to write them without borrowing And as to offer me some consolation he told me that in recopying the lines He would take care to make a few mistakes in the rhythm to complete the illusion We dined earlier than the day before and I withdrew immediately after dinner So as to give him leisure to make a copy of the stanzas before the arrival of the lady The next evening I met the Marchioners at the entrance of the palace And offered her my arm to come out of her carriage The instant she alighted she said to me If ever your stanzas and mine become known in Rome you may be sure of my enmity Madam I do not understand what you mean I expected you to answer me in this manner replied the Marchioners To collect what I have said I left her at the door of the reception room And thinking that she was really angry with me I went away in despair My stanzas I said to myself are too fiery They compromise our dignity and her pride is offended At my knowing the secret of her intrigue with cardinal Essie Yet I feel certain that the dread she expresses Of my want of discretion is only faint It is but a pretext to turn me out of her favour She has not understood my reserve What would she have done if I had painted her in the simple apparel of the Golden Age Without any of those veils which modesty imposes upon her sex I was sorry I had not done so I undressed and went to bed My hat was scarcely on the pillow when the Abbey Gamma knocked at my door I pulled the door string and coming in he said My dear sir the cardinal wishes to see you And I am sent by the beautiful Marchioners in cardinal Essie Who desire to come down I am very sorry but I cannot go Tell them the truth I am ill in bed As the Abbey did not return I judged that he had faithfully acquitted himself of the commission And I spent a quiet night I was not yet dressed in the morning When I received a note from cardinal Essie Inviting me to dinner Saying that he had just been bled And that he wanted to speak to me He concluded by untreating me to come to him early Even if I did not feel well The invitation was pressing I did not notice what had caused it But the tone of the letter did not forebode anything unpleasant I went to church Where I was sure the cardinal Aquaviva would see me And he did After mass his eminence beckoned to me Are you truly ill? He inquired No Monsignor I was only sleepy I am very glad to hear it But you are wrong for you are loved Cardinal Essie has been bled this morning I know it Monsignor We spoke a little about the cardinal's attitude In which he invites me to dine with him With your excellency's permission Certainly But this is amusing I did not know that he wanted a third person Will there be a third person? I do not know And I have no curiosity about it The cardinal left me And everybody imagined that his eminence Had spoken to me of state affairs I went to my new misceness Whom I found in bed let you dine alone, but you will not lose by it, as my cook does not know it. What I wanted to tell you is that your stanzas are, I am afraid, too pretty, for the Martianess adores them. If you had read them to me in the same way that she does, I could never have made up my mind to offer them." But she believed them to be written by her eminence. "'Of course. That is the essential point, Monsignor.' "'Yes, but what should I do if she took it into her head to compose some new stanzas for me?' "'You would answer through the same pen, for you can dispose of me night and day, and rely upon the utmost secrecy.' "'I beg of you to accept this small present. It is some Negrilo snuff from Abana, which Cardinal Aquaviva has given me. This snuff was excellent, for the object which contained it was still better. It was a splendid golden emerald box. I received it with respect and with the expression of the deepest gratitude. If his eminence did not know how to write poetry, at least he knew how to be generous, and in a delicate manner, and that science is, at least in my estimation, superior to the other for a great nobleman. At noon and much to my surprise, the beautiful Martianess made her appearance in the most elegant morning toilet. "'If I had known you were in good company,' she said to the Cardinal, "'I would not have come.' "'I am sure, dear Martianess, you will not find our dear Abby in the way. No, for I believe him to be honest and true. I kept at a respectful distance, ready to go away with my splendid snuff-box at the first jest she might hurl at me.' The Cardinal asked her if she intended to remain to dinner. "'Yes,' she answered, "'but I shall not enjoy my dinner, for I hate to eat alone. If he would honour him so far, the Abby would keep you company. She gave me a gracious look, but without uttering one word. This was the first time I had anything to do with a woman of quality, and that air of patronage, whatever kindness might accompany it, always puts me out of temper, for I thought it made love out of the question. However, as we were in the presence of the Cardinal, I fancied that she might be right in treating me in that fashion. The table was laid out near the Cardinal's bed, and the Martianess, who ate hardly anything, encouraged me in my good appetite. I have told you that the Abby is equal to me in that respect.' "'I truly believe,' answered the Martianess, that it does not remain far behind you. But, added she with flattery, you are more dainty in your tastes.' "'Would her lady be so good as to tell me in what I have appeared to her to be a mere glutton, for in all things I like only dainty and exquisite morsels?' "'Explain what you mean by saying, in all things,' said the Cardinal, taking the liberty of laughing, I composed a few impromptu verses, in which I named all I thought dainty and exquisite. The Martianess applauded, saying that she admired my courage. "'My courage, madam, is due to you, for I am as timid as a hare when I am not encouraged. You are the author of my impromptu.' "'I admire you, as for myself, where I encouraged by Apollo himself, I could not compose four lines without paper and ink.' "'Only give way boldly to your genius, madam, and you will produce poetry worthy of heaven.' "'That is my opinion, too,' said the Cardinal. "'I entreat you to give me permission to show your ten stanzas to the Abbey.' "'They are not very good, but I have no objection provided it remains between us.' "'The Cardinal gave me, then, the stanzas composed by the Martianess, and I read them aloud with all the expression, all the feeling necessary to such reading. "'How well you have read those stanzas,' said the Martianess. "'I can hardly believe them to be my own composition. I thank you very much. "'But have the goodness to give the benefit of your reading to the stanzas, which his eminence has written in answer to mine. They surpass them much.' "'Do not believe it, my dear Abbey,' said the Cardinal, handing them to me. "'Yet try not to let them lose anything through your reading.' "'There was certainly no need of his eminence and forcing upon me such a recommendation. "'It was my own poetry. I could not have read it otherwise than in my best style, especially when I had before me the beautiful woman who had inspired them. "'And when, besides, Bachas was in me, given courage to Apollo, as much as the beautiful eyes of the Martianess were fanning into an ardent blaze, the fire already burning through my whole being. "'I read the stanzas with so much expression that the Cardinal was enraptured, but I brought a deep carnation tint upon the cheeks of the lovely Martianess, when I came to the description of those beauties which the imagination of the poet is allowed to guess it, but which I could not, of course, have gazed upon. She snatched the paper from my hands with passion, saying that I was adding verses of my own. It was true, but I did not confess it. I was all aflame, and the fire was scorching her as well as me. The Cardinal, having fallen asleep, she rose and went to take a seat on the balcony. I followed her. She had a rather high seat. I stood opposite to her, so that her knee touched the fob pocket in which was my watch. What a position! Taking hold gently of one of her hands, I told her that she had ignited in my soul a devouring flame, that I adored her, and that, unless some hope was left to me of finding her sensible to my sufferings, I was determined to fly away from her forever. Yes, beautiful Martianess, pronounce my sentence. I fear you are a libertine and an unfaithful lover. I am neither one nor the other. With these words I folded her in my arms, and I pressed upon her lovely lips as pure as a rose, an ardent kiss, which she received through the best possible grace. This kiss, the forerunner of the most delicious pleasures, had imparted to my hands the greatest boldness. I was on the point of, to the Martianess, changing her position, and treated me so sweetly to respect her that, enjoying new voluptuousness through my very obedience, I not only abandoned an easy victory, but I even begged her pardon, which I soon read in the most loving look. She spoke of Lucretia, and was pleased with my discretion. She then alluded to the cardinal, doing her best to make me believe that there was nothing between them but a feeling of innocent friendship. Of course, I had my opinion on that subject, but it was my interest to appear to believe every word she uttered. We recited together lines from our best poets, and all the time she was still sitting down and I standing before her, with my looks wrapped in the contemplation of the most lovely charms, to which I remained insensible in appearance, for I had made up my mind not to press her that evening for greater favours than those I had already received. The cardinal, waking from his long and peaceful siesta, got up and joined us in his nightcap, and good-naturedly inquired whether we had not felt impatient at his protected sleep. I remained until dark, and went home highly pleased with my day's work, but determined to keep my ardent desires in check until the opportunity for complete victory offered itself. From that day the charming Martianess never ceased to give me the marks of her particular esteem, without the slightest constraint. I was reckoning upon the carnival, which was closed at hand, feeling certain that the more I should spare her delicacy, the more she would endeavour to find the opportunity of rewarding my loyalty, and of crowning with happiness my loving constancy. But fate ordained otherwise. Dame Fortune turned her back upon me at the very moment when the Pope and Cardinal Acquaviva were thinking of giving me a really good position. The Holy Father had congratulated me upon the beautiful snuff-box presented to me by Cardinal S.C., but he had been careful never to name the Martianess. Cardinal Acquaviva expressed openly his delight at his brother Cardinal having given me a taste of his negrito snuff in so splendid an envelope. The Abbey Gamma, finding me so forward on the road to success, did not venture to cancel me any more, and the virtuous Father Georgie gave me but one piece of advice, namely to cling to the lovely Martianess and not to make any other acquaintances. Such was my position, truly a brilliant one, when, on Christmas Day, the lover of Barbara de l'Aqua entered my room, locked the door, and threw himself on the sofa, exclaiming that I saw him for the last time. I only come to beg of you some good advice. On what subject can I advise you? Take this and read it. It will explain everything. It was a letter from his mistress. The consents wear these. I am pregnant of a child, the pledge of our mutual love. I can no longer have any doubt of it, my beloved, and I forewarn you that I have made up my mind to quit Rome alone, and to go away to die where it may please God, if you refuse to take care of me and save me. I would suffer anything, do anything, rather than let my Father discover the truth. If you are a man of honour, I said, you cannot abandon the poor girl. Marry her in spite of your Father, in spite of her own, and live together honestly. The eternal providence of God will watch over you and help you in your difficulties. My advice seemed to bring calm to his mind, and he left me more composed. At the beginning of January 1744 he called again, looking very cheerful. I have hired, he said, the top floor of the house next to Barbara's dwelling. She knows it, and tonight I will gain her apartment through one of the windows of a garret, and we will make all our arrangements to enable me to carry her off. I have made up my mind. I have decided upon taking her to Naples, and I will take with us the servant who, sleeping in the garret, had to be made a confident of. God speed you, my friend. A week afterwards, towards eleven o'clock at night, he entered my room, accompanied by an abbey. What do you want so late? I wish to introduce you to this handsome abbey. I looked up, and to my consternation I recognised Barbara. Has anyone seen you enter the house? I inquired. No, and if we had been seen, what of it? It is only an abbey. We now pass every night together. I congratulate you. The servant is our friend, she has consented to follow us, and all our arrangements are completed. I wish you every happiness. Adieu. I beg you to leave me. Three or four days after that visit, as I was walking with the abbey gama towards the Villa Magics, he told me deliberately that there would be an execution during the night in the Piazza de España. What kind of execution? The braguello or his lieutenant will come to execute some ordine Santissimo, or to visit some suspicious dwelling in order to arrest and carry off some person who does not expect anything of the sort. How do you know it? His eminence has to know it, for the Pope would not venture to encroach upon his jurisdiction without asking his permission. And his eminence has given it? Yes, one of the Holy Father's Orators came for that purpose this morning. But the Cardinal might have refused. Of course, but such a permission is never denied. And if the person to be arrested happened to be under the protection of the Cardinal, what then? His eminence would give timely warning to that person. We changed the conversation, but the news had disturbed me. I fancied that the execution threatened Barbara and her lover, for her father's house was under the Spanish jurisdiction. I tried to see the young man, but I could not succeed in meeting him, and I was afraid lest a visit at his home, or at Monsieur de Lacroix's dwelling, might implicate me. Yet it is certain that this last consideration would not have stopped me, if I had been positively sure that they were threatened. Had I felt satisfied of their danger, I would have braved everything.