 A package of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sir. You don't forget your change. You never guess, but Avalon cost you less. Good evening, friends. Good evening. This is Del King saying welcome to Avalon time with greetings from Red Foley and his entire company. First tonight, we want you to meet a new member of the cast. One Red Skelton who certainly needs no introduction. Listen, Del, I need plenty of introduction. Okay, Red, if that's the way you feel about it. Ladies and gentlemen, Red Skelton. Thank you very much and howdy, folks. Hello there, microphone. Hello there, Skelton. Welcome to Avalon time and move in a little closer. Say, what is this? A microphone or a microphoney? Ladies and gentlemen, before I do anything tonight, I'd like to go on record by saying that if Fred Allen thinks that he can stir up a lot of free publicity by slanderously attacking me in one of those radio feuds, you wish he'd do it. Okay, I feel great tonight. Okay, I just got back from a pet shop. I was over there, I took my dog back. The other day I got a wire-haired terrier that won't bark. So I took him back and I had him rewired for sound. He's really a smart dog, though. He's a talent scout for a flea circus. I thought that would get more than that, but I'll skip right on to the next when they're all here. But he's really a smart dog. No, he's really a lovely thing and intelligent. And what a watchdog. Last night a burglar... a thief broke into my house. He went downstairs and started ram-sacking everything. And I go downstairs and what do you think? There is my dog, holding the flesh-light for the robber. Say, listen, speaking of dogs, Kelton, did you give my little boy a dog? Well, come to think of it, I did give your little boy a dog. Well, you can go right over to my house and you can have all of them back. Yeah. Oh, I can say that. Well, Sammy, think of the best to get him. Where do you live, Del? Next door at the post office. Jeepers? Creepers? Phil? Play a number. I got to go down to the post office and see about a litter. On the red network, you think the DICE committee will investigate? I don't get it inside, Red. My pardon has been erupting there, but how about singing a nice Western song for my grandmother, huh? Oh, Red, why don't you sing one? Oh, I only sing in bathtubs, and I haven't sung for years. How about me singing in the saddle, huh? Well, singing in the saddle's all right if your horse's name Avalon. Well, we got that plug in. Yeah. Go ahead. I'm a singing in the saddle from a ball. I've been rounding up the lawn for my ranch house, of the mother hoops. I'm a humming as a perigal who knows I'm a humming waiting beside the hoops. Thank you, friends. Thank you. And now, Peter Grant, will you move in, please? Yes, sir, Red, you betcha. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'm going to let someone else tell you about Avalon cigarettes. John P. Youngblood of Niagara Falls, New York smoked a popular price brand of cigarette for years. After hearing about Avalons on one of our programs, he tried them. But here's the story just as Mr. Youngblood wrote it to us. Well, I bought a pack of Avalons. I smoked one, and I could hardly believe it. Then I smoked that pack, and bought another. I thought perhaps the first pack was deceiving me. But the second pack did the trick. I knew absolutely I had found a fine, mild smoke. I'm smoking Avalons from now on. Thank you, Mr. Youngblood, and friends. Millions of people, yes, millions, are switching to Avalons because they are a superior quality cigarette, 100% union made. And don't forget, Avalons cost 3 to 5 cents less than popular price brands, but you'd never guess they cost you less. You couldn't want finer quality cigarettes, regardless of price, regardless of brand. In fact, Avalons give you super fine tobaccos and a truly superior blend at a real saving. So the next time, why not ask for Avalons and save the difference? Vance Waller wrote it. Bob Strong arranged it. Jeanette sings it. Honey Suckle Rose. Honey Suckle Rose. It was lovely, Jeanette. And next week, folks, Jeanette's going to sing the theme song of the new Frankenstein and Dracula picture entitled Two Creepy People. I liked the punch that guy in the nose that told me that was funny. Speaking of creepy people and places, you should see the hotel that I checked into this afternoon. It's really a nice hotel. It's run by a Jewish fellow and Irishman. They call it the St. Levy. Can you picture this, though? A Jewish Irish hotel with Mexican decorations. In fact, there's a Mexican in every room. La Cucaracha? It's a nice place, though. They change sheets every day from one bed to the other. You should see the landlord, though. I never saw anybody so ugly in my life. Last night, he looked in the mirror and then said bear traps all over the house. He looked like a glass of pale beer, all body and no head. And of all the crazy people, there's a fellow across the hall from me. No kidding. He raises chickens in his room. I don't mind that, but every time I open up my door, they come in and fight with my pigeons. It's really... You'll have to stop, lady. This is only a half-hour program. I appreciate it. It's really a nice hotel. It's run by a Jewish fellow and an Irishman. They call it the St. Levy. I said that, didn't I? That's why I heard it. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll pardon me, but somebody just walked in with a cap and gown on. Looks like a fugitive from Yale. What's on your mind, professor? There's always something on those guys' minds. I run a question-and-answer program in the next studio. Oh, you do? I, uh... I just asked a contestant a question. You asked a question? I can't even answer it myself. Oh, well, uh... Maybe if you're gonna ask the question instead of asking the question, you... No, but maybe I can help you out, professor. What is the question? What? What is an armature? An armature? That's a guy that sings on major bowls program. Thank you so much. Do you drink? Yes, I do. I have it. That guy's a candidate for a straight jacket. Pardon me. Are you Mr. Scalton? Well, I think I am. Well, that's fine. I hear you're looking for a secretary. Well, I could. Have you had much business experience? Well, a little. Are you good at answering letters? Well, I might be. Can you take dictation and type? Yes, I can. You won't mind working overtime, would you? Well, if it's not too late. And could you get a couple of business references? Well, I guess I could, if I represented this. Well, that's fine. I'm hired. Well, that... What is this? An inference to an alley or something about everybody bothering me? Well, beings, you're my secretary. Take a letter. A love letter. A grid of garbo. My dear honey baby. Are you kidding? Why, nobody ever got the first base with garbo. What do you mean, nobody ever got the first base with garbo? I suppose Leopold Strukowski. Really, take a letter in shorthand. This is going to be a very short letter. My dear brother Christopher. How do you spell Christopher? Very poorly. My dear brother Christopher. I am sending you COD, my old overcoat. To make the package lighter, I have removed all the buttons. PS, you'll find the buttons on the inside pocket. Say, that typewriter's making an awful lot of noise. Well, something's got to click on this program. Yeah. Where shall I address this letter? Well, address it to Christopher's cleaning shop, Christopher Street, Christopher. Oh, your brother's a cleaner. Oh, and what a cleaner. Last week, I removed two spots from my suit. Ten spot and a five spot. Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen. The fugitive is back again. What is it this time, Professor? Are you again? Well, that's all right. I am stumped. Again? Well, what's the question this time, Professor? It's a question about, uh... about baseball. Baseball, say, an old bat like you should be able to answer that. No. I'm kidding, Professor. Maybe I could help you out. I'm an old baseball fan myself. What's the question? What? What is a pop fly? A pop fly? That's a male insect with a blessed event. Thank you so much. Do you enjoy home cooking? Yes, I do. You should go home sometime. Say, that guy's got me bothered. So dumb. That reminds me of the secretary who once thought that... Now, wait. If you're going to start telling jokes about secretaries, I'm leaving. Well, how do you like that, Del? If a stranger comes in, I give her a job. She can... That's as bad as the announcer who got... Now, wait a minute. If you're going to tell jokes about announcers, I'm leaving, too. Well, my first program, and I never met so many touchy people in my life. Ah, tell a story. Once upon a time, there were two goldfish. Well, I don't guess anybody gets sore if I mention Avalon cigarettes. Oh, gee, there goes the sponsor. For peace on earth, here's a resolution every nation in the world could well afford to adopt. The neighbor boys sing, I ain't going to study war no more. One to lay down my bird Down by the river side Down by the river side Down by the river side Down by the river side One to lay down my burden Down by the riverside, do study, war. Ain't one study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. Study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. Ain't one study, war. Why don't you lay down my soul? Down by the riverside, down by the riverside, down by the riverside. Why don't you lay down my soul in the shield? Down by the riverside, do study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. Ain't one study, war no more. The sentiment of that beautiful spiritual is well taken. We're always glad to hear from you and we're always glad to hear from you, Peter Grant. Take over, will you please? Well, Dell, you remember when the great American pastime was keeping up with the Joneses? When we paid a certain price for our automobile because the neighbors had one like it. And we paid the top price. The top price, mind you, for cigarettes because it was the accepted standard price. Well, we've come a long way since then. Today we buy for real value. Millions have found that they can get highest quality cigarettes for three to five cents less when they buy avalons. Now here's an everyday scene from a big city department store. The clerk at the tobacco counter is talking to the store buyer. Oh, Mr. Crawford, we need more avalons. You better double our regular order. Order avalons again? Well, say they're selling faster every day. Yes, you bet they sure are. And you can understand why if you ever smoked one. Yeah? Sure, they're real quality cigarettes and still they cost several cents less. And he's absolutely right, friends. Avalons are quality cigarettes, make no mistake about that. Yet they cost three to five cents less than popular priced brands. Give them a trial. You'd never guess they cost you less. Next time, forget priced habit. Give your thrifty judgment a chance. Ask for avalon cigarettes. And don't forget your change. If you like your jazz music hot and slow, here's just what the doctor ordered. Phil Davis and the Avalon Orchestra's prescription of Veal Street Blues. Well, sir, that goes for me too, Dale. That's fair enough, Fred, but remember it takes all kinds of ingredients to spell variety. What are you and the Avalon chorus going to sing for us tonight? Well, it's an old tune, but one most everybody likes. And it's different from all our other numbers tonight. Throw another log on the fire. Bring back all the sweet air. Hearts were young in the springtime. It was ma. There's nothing left but the ember. Ringtime seems so long ago on the fire. And now, Peter Grant, will you introduce the Avalon brothers? They need no special introduction. Red, all I have to say is when you asked for Avalon cigarettes. Don't forget your change. Yes, Avalon cigarettes, dear friends, cost several cents less. And it's like all of us Avalon brothers union made. No wonder folks... Yes, you'd never guess, but Avalons cost only ten cents, plus city or state tax. Say, Red Fully, I sure enjoyed your singing tonight. Well, thanks a lot, Red Skelton, and you know I like... Yes? You know I like it too. But seriously, Red, why don't you read the folks that telegram you received from Fred Allen, eh? Well, if we got time. Sure, go ahead. Well, it says, dear Red, why should I pander you in a few? Why in one week I could knock you flatter than my voice? So, I'll panic you on the back. Best of luck, Bricktop. Signed Fred Allen. Well, thanks a lot, Fred, and I think that's one of the nicest parts on the back I ever got. Good night, folks. Good night, Red. Well, good night, Red. Friends, we cordially invite you to the evening at the same time when the Brown and Williamson Tobacco Corporation will again present Avalon Time. This is Del King saying, good night, everybody. Brown Time originated in the studios of the Nation Station and has reached you through the National Broadcasting Company.