 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse. 1. Leave it to Jeeves. Jeeves, my man, you know, is really a most extraordinary chap. So capable. Honestly, I shouldn't know what to do without him. On broader lines, he's like those chapies who sit peering sadly over the marble battlements at the Pennsylvania station in the place marked Inquiries. You know the Johnny's, I mean. You go up to them and say, When's the next train for Mellon Squashville, Tennessee? And they reply, without stopping to think, 243, track 10, change at San Francisco. And they're right every time. Well, Jeeves gives you just the same impression of omniscience. As an instance of what I mean, I remember meeting Monty Bing in Bond Street one morning, looking the last word in a gray check suit, and I felt I should never be happy till I had one like it. I dug the address of the tailors out of him and had them working on the thing inside the hour. Jeeves, I said that evening, I'm getting a check suit like that one of Mr. Bing's. Injudicious, sir, he said firmly, it will not become you. What absolute rot! It's the soundest thing I've struck for years. Unsuitable for you, sir. Well, the long and the short of it was that the confounded thing came home and I put it on, and when I caught sight of myself in the glass, I nearly swooned. Jeeves was perfectly right. I looked across between a music hall comedian and a cheap bookie. Yet Monty had looked fine and absolutely the same stuff. These things are just life's mysteries, and that's all there is to it. But it isn't only that Jeeves' judgment about clothes is infallible, though, of course, that's really the main thing. The man knows everything. There was the matter of that tip on the Lincolnshire. I forgot now how I got it, but it had the aspect of being the real red-hot Tabasco. Jeeves, I said, for I'm fond of the man and I like to do him a good turn when I can. If you want to make a bit of money, have something on Wonder Child for the Lincolnshire. He shook his head. I'd rather not, sir. But it's the straight goods. I'm going to put my shirt on him. I do not recommend it, sir. The animal is not intended to win. Second place is what the stable is after. Perfect piffle, I thought, of course. How the deuce could Jeeves know anything about it? Still, you know what happened. Wonder Child led till he was breathing on the wire and then Banana Fritter came along and nosed him out. I went straight home and rang for Jeeves. After this I said, not another step for me without your advice. From now on, consider yourself the brains of the establishment. Very good, sir. I shall endeavour to give satisfaction. And he has, by Jove. I'm a bit short on brain myself. The old bean would appear to have been constructed more for ornament than for use, don't you know? But give me five minutes to talk the thing over with Jeeves and I'm game to advise anyone about anything. And that's why, when Bruce Corcoran came to me with his troubles, my first act was to ring the bell and put it up to the lad with the bulging forehead. Leave it to Jeeves, I said. I first got to know Corky when I came to New York. He was a pal of my cousin, Gussie, who was in with a lot of people down Washington Squareway. I don't know if I ever told you about it, but the reason why I left England was because I was sent over by my aunt Agatha to try and stop young Gussie marrying a girl on the vaudeville stage, and I got the whole thing so mixed up that I decided that it would be a sound scheme for me to stop on in America for a bit instead of going back and having long cozy chats about the thing with aunt. So I sent Jeeves out to find a decent apartment and settle down for a bit of exile. I'm bound to say that New York's a topping place to be exiled in. Everybody was awfully good to me and there seemed to be plenty of things going on and I'm a wealthy bird so everything was fine. Chappies introduced me to other chappies and so on and so forth and it wasn't long before I knew squads of the right sort, some who rolled in dollars and houses up by the park and others who lived with the gas turned down mostly around Washington Square. Artists and writers and so forth. Brainy coves. Corky was one of the artists. A portrait painter he called himself but he hadn't painted any portraits. He was sitting on the sidelines with a blanket over his shoulders waiting for a chance to get in the game. You see, the catch about portrait painting I've looked into the thing a bit is that you can't start painting portraits till people come along and ask you to and they won't come and ask you until you've painted a lot first. This makes it kind of difficult for a chappy. Corky managed to get along by drawing an occasional picture for the comic papers. He had a rather gift for the funny stuff when he got a good idea and doing bedsteads and chairs and things for the advertisements. His principal source of income, however, was derived from biting the ear of a rich uncle, one Alexander Warpole, who was in the jute business. I'm a bit foggy as to what jute is but it's apparently something the populace is pretty keen on for Mr. Warpole had made quite an indecently large stack out of it. Now, a great many fellows think that having a rich uncle is a pretty soft snap but according to Corky such is not the case. Corky's uncle was a robust sort of cove who looked like living forever. He was fifty-one, but it seemed as if he might go to par. It was not this, however, that distressed poor old Corky for he was not bigoted and had no objection to the man going on living. What Corky kicked at was the way the above warple used to harry him. Corky's uncle, you see, didn't want him to be an artist. He didn't think he had any talent in that direction. He was always urging him to chuck art and go into the jute business and start at the bottom and work his way up. Jute had apparently become a sort of obsession with him. He seemed to attach an almost spiritual importance to it and what Corky said was that while he didn't know what they did at the bottom of the jute business, Instinct told him it was something too beastly for words. Corky, moreover, believed in his future as an artist. Some day he said he was going to make a hit. Meanwhile, by using the utmost tact and persuasiveness, he was inducing his uncle to cough up very grudgingly a small quarterly allowance. He wouldn't have gotten this if his uncle hadn't had a hobby. Mr. Warple was peculiar in this respect. As a rule, from what I've observed, the American captain of industry doesn't do anything out of business hours. When he has put the cat out and locked up the office for the night, he just relapses into a state of coma from which he emerges only to start being a captain of industry again. But Mr. Warple in his spare time was what is known as an ornithologist. He had written a book called American Birds and was writing another to be called More American Birds. When he'd finished that, the presumption was that he would begin a third and keep on till the supply of American birds gave out. Corky used to go to him about once every three months and let him talk about American birds. Apparently, you could do what you liked with old Warple if you gave him his head first on his pet subject, so these little chats used to make Corky's allowance all right for the time being. But it was pretty rotten for the poor chap. There was the frightful suspense, you see, and, apart from that, birds, except when broiled and in the society the bottle bored him stiff. To complete the character study of Mr. Warple, he was a man of extremely uncertain temper and his general tendency was to think that Corky was a poor chump and that whatever step he took in any direction on his own account was just another proof of his innate idiocy. I should imagine Jeeves feels very much the same about me. So when Corky trickled into my apartment one afternoon, shooing in a girl in front of him and said, Bertie, I want you to meet my fiancée, Miss Singer. The aspect of the matter which hit me first was precisely the one which he had come to consult me about. The very first words I spoke were, Corky, what about your uncle? The poor chap gave one of those mirthless laughs. He was looking anxious and worried, like a man who has done the murder all right, but can't think what the deuce to do with the body. We're so scared, Mr. Wooster, said the girl. We were hoping that you might suggest a way of breaking it to him. Muriel Singer was one of those very quiet, appealing girls who gave a way of looking at you with their big eyes as if they thought you were the greatest thing on earth and wondered that you hadn't got on to it yet yourself. She sat there in a sort of shrinking way, looking at me as if she were saying to herself, Oh, I do hope this great strong man isn't going to hurt me. She gave a fellow a protective kind of feeling, made him want to stroke her hand and say, There, there, little one, or words to that effect. She made me feel that there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. She was rather like one of those innocent-tasting American drinks which creep in perceptively into your system so that before you know what you're doing, you're starting out to reform the world by force if necessary and pausing on your way to tell the large man in the corner that if he looks at you like that, you will knock his head off. What I mean is, she made me feel alert and dashing, like a jolly old knight errant or something of that kind. I felt that I was with her in this thing to the limit. I don't see why your uncle shouldn't be most awfully bucked, you know what I mean to Corky? He will think Miss Singer is the ideal wife for you. Corky declined to cheer up. You don't know him. Even if he did like Muriel, he wouldn't admit it. That's the sort of pig-headed guy he is. It would be a matter of principle with him to kick. All he would consider would be that I had gone and taken an important step without asking his advice, and he would raise Cain automatically. He's done it. I strained the old being to meet this emergency. You want to work it so that he makes Miss Singer's acquaintance without knowing that you know her. Then you come along. But how can I work it that way? I saw his point. That was the catch. There's only one thing to do, I said. What's that? Leave it to Jeeves. And I rang the bell. Sir, said Jeeves, kind of manifesting himself. One of the rummy things about Jeeves is that, unless you watch like a hawk, you very seldom see him come into a room. He's like one of those weird chapies in India who dissolve themselves into thin air and nip through space in a sort of disembodied way and assemble the parts again just where they want them. I've got a cousin who's what they call a Theosophist, and he says he's often nearly worked the thing himself, but couldn't quite bring it off, probably owing to having fed in his boyhood on the flesh of animals slain in anger and pie. The moment I saw the man standing there, registering respectful attention, a weight seemed to roll off my mind. I felt like a lost child who spots his father in the offing. There was something about him that gave me confidence. Jeeves is a tallish man with one of those dark shrewd faces. His eye gleams with a light of pure intelligence. Jeeves, we want your advice. Very good, sir. I boiled down Corky's painful case into a few well-chosen words. So you see what it amount to, Jeeves. We want you to suggest some way by which Mr. Warpel can make Miss Singer's acquaintance without getting on to the fact that Mr. Corcoran already knows her. Understand? Perfectly, sir. Well, try to think of something. I have thought of something already, sir. You have. The scheme I would suggest cannot fail of success, but it has what may seem to you a drawback, sir, in that it requires a certain financial outlay. He means, I translated to Corky, that he has got a pippin' of an idea, but it's gonna cost a bit. Naturally the poor chap's face dropped, for this seemed to dish the whole thing. But I was still under the influence of the girl's melting gaze, and I saw that this was where I started in as Night Errant. You can count on me for all that sort of thing, Corky, I said, only too glad. Carry on, Jeeves. I would suggest, sir, that Mr. Corcoran take advantage of Mr. Warple's attachment to ornithology. How on earth did you know that he was fond of birds? It is the way these New York apartments are constructed, sir, quite unlike our London houses. The partitions between the rooms are of the flimsiest nature. With no wish to overhear, I have sometimes heard Mr. Corcoran express himself with a generous strength on the subject I have mentioned. Oh, well... Why should not the young lady write a small volume to be entitled, let us say, the Children's Book of American Birds, and dedicate it to Mr. Warple? A limited edition could be published at your expense, sir, and a great deal of the book would, of course, be given over to eulogistic remarks concerning Mr. Warple's own larger treatise on the same subject. I should recommend the dispatching of a presentation copy to Mr. Warple immediately on publication, accompanied by a letter in which the young lady asks to be allowed to make the acquaintance of one to whom she owes so much. This would, I fancy, produce the desired result, but, as I say, the expense involved would be considerable. I felt like the proprietor of a performing dog on the vaudeville stage when the tyke has just pulled off his trick without a hitch. I had bedded on Jeeves all along and I had known that he wouldn't let me down. It beats me sometimes why a man with his genius is satisfied to hang around pressing my clothes and what not. If I had half Jeeves' brain, I should have a stab at being Prime Minister or something. Jeeves, I said, that is absolutely ripping, one of your very best efforts. Thank you, sir. The girl made an objection. But I'm sure I couldn't write a book about anything. I can't even write good letters. Muriel's talents, said Corky with a little cough, lie more in the direction of the drama, Bertie. I didn't mention it before, but one of our reasons for being a trifle nervous as to how Uncle Alexander will receive the news is that Muriel is in the chorus of that show, Choose Your Exit at the Manhattan. It's absurdly unreasonable, but we both feel that that fact might increase Uncle Alexander's natural tendency to kick like a steer. I saw what he meant. Goodness knows there was fuss enough in our family when I tried to marry into musical comedy a few years ago, and the recollection of my aunt Agatha's attitude to the matter of Gussie and the vaudeville girl was still fresh in my mind. I didn't know why it is. One of these psychology sharps could explain it, I suppose, but uncles and aunts, as a class, are always dead against the drama, legitimate or otherwise. They don't seem able to stick it at any price. But Jeeves had a solution, of course. I fancy it would be a simple matter, sir, to find some impiccunious author who would be glad to do the actual composition of the volume for a small fee. It is only necessary that the young lady's name should appear on the title page. That's true, said Corky. Sam Patterson would do it for a hundred dollars. He writes a novelette, three short stories, and ten thousand words of a serial for one of those all-fiction magazines under different names every month. A little thing like this would be nothing to him. I'll get after him right away. Fine. Will that be all, sir, said Jeeves? A very good sir. Thank you, sir. I always used to think that publishers had to be devilish intelligent fellows loaded down with the gray matter. But I've got their number now. All a publisher has to do is write checks at intervals, while a lot of deserving and industrious chapies would rally round and do the real work. I know, because I've been one myself. I simply sat tight in the old apartment with a fountain pen, and in due season a topping shiny book came along. I happened to be down at Corky's place when the first copies of The Children's Book of American Birds bobbed up. Muriel Singer was there, and we were talking of things in general when there was a bang at the door and the parcel was delivered. It was certainly some book. It had a red cover with a fowl of some species on it and underneath the girl's name in gold letters. I opened a copy at random. Often of a spring morning, it said at the top of page 21, as you wander through the fields, you will hear the sweet-toned, carelessly flowing warble of the purple-finched linnet. When you're older, you must read all about him in Mr. Alexander Warple's wonderful book, American Birds. You see, a boost for the uncle right away. And only a few pages later there he was in the limelight again in connection with the yellow-billed cuckoo. It was great stuff. The more I read, the more I admired the chap who had written it, and G. was genius in putting us on to the wheeze. I didn't see how the uncle could fail to drop. You can't call a chap the world's greatest authority on the yellow-billed cuckoo without rousing a certain disposition towards chumminess in him. It's a cert, I said. An absolute cinch, said Corky. And a day or two later he meandered up the avenue to my apartment to tell me that all was well. The uncle had written Muriel a letter so dripping with the milk of human kindness that if he had known Mr. Warple's handwriting, Corky would have refused to believe him the author of it. Any time it suited Miss Singer to call, said the uncle, he would be delighted to make her acquaintance. Shortly after this I had to go out of town. Divers' sound sportsmen had invited me to pay visits to their country places, and it wasn't for a several months that I settled down in the city again. I had been wondering a lot, of course, about Corky, whether it all turned out all right and so forth, and my first evening in New York happened to pop into a quiet sort of little restaurant, which I go to when I don't feel inclined for the bright lights. I found Muriel Singer there, sitting by herself at a table near the door. Corky, I took it, was out telephoning. I went up and passed the time of day. Well, well, well, what? I said. Why, Mr. Wooster, how do you do? Corky around? I beg your pardon. You are waiting for Corky, aren't you? Oh, I didn't understand. No, I'm not waiting for him. It seemed to row that there was a sort of something in her voice, a kind of thing on me, you know. I say, you haven't had a row with Corky, have you? A row? A spat, don't you know, little misunderstanding, faults on both sides, or and all that sort of thing? Why, whatever makes you think that? Oh, well, as it were, what? What I mean is, I thought you usually dined with him before you went to the theatre. I've left the stage now. Suddenly the whole thing dawned on me. I had forgotten what a long time I'd been away. Why, of course, I see now. You're married. Yes. How perfectly topping. I wish you all kinds of happiness. Thank you so much. Oh, Alexander, she said, looking past me. This is a friend of mine, Mr. Wooster. I spun around, a chappy with a lot of stiff grey hair and a red sort of healthy face was standing there. Rather a formidable Johnny, he looked, though quite peaceful at the moment. I want you to meet my husband, Mr. Wooster. Mr. Wooster is a friend of Bruce's, Alexander. The old boy grasped my hand warmly, and that was all that kept me from hitting the floor in a heap. The place was rocking. Absolutely. So you know my nephew, Mr. Wooster, I heard him say. I wish you would try to knock a little sense into him and make him quit this playing at painting. But I have an idea that he is steadying down. I noticed at first that night he came to dinner with us. My dear, to be introduced to you. He seemed altogether quieter and more serious. Something seemed to have sobered him. Perhaps you will give us the pleasure of your company after dinner tonight, Mr. Wooster, or have you dined? I said I had. What I needed then was air, not dinner. I felt that I wanted to get into the open and think this thing out. When I reached my apartment, I heard Jeeves moving about in his lair. I called him. Jeeves, I said, now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party. A stiff B&S, first of all. Then I've got a bit of news for you. He came back with a tray and a long glass. Better have one yourself, Jeeves. You'll need it. Later on, perhaps. Thank you, sir. All right, please yourself. But you're going to get a shock. You remember my friend, Mr. Corcoran? Yes, sir. And the girl who was to slide gracefully into his uncle's esteem by writing the book on birds? Perfectly, sir. Well, she's slid. She's married the uncle. He took it without blinking. You can't rattle Jeeves. That was always a development to be feared, sir. You don't mean to tell me you were expecting it. It crossed my mind as a possibility. Did it, by Jove? Well, I think you might have warned us. I hardly liked to take the liberty, sir. Of course, as I saw after I had had a bite to eat and was in a calmer frame of mind, what had happened wasn't my fault if it came down to it. I couldn't be expected to foresee that the scheme, in itself a crackerjack, would skid into the ditch as it had done. But all the same, I'm bound to admit that I didn't realize the idea of meeting Corky again until time, the great healer, had been able to get in a bit of soothing work. I cut Washington Square out absolutely for the next few months. I gave it the complete miss-in-bock. And then, just when I was beginning to think I might safely pop down in that direction and gather up the dropped threads, so to speak, time, instead of working the healing wheeze, went and pulled the most awful bone and put the lid on it. Opening the paper one morning, I read that Mrs. Alexander Warpel had presented her husband with a son and heir. I was so darned sorry for poor old Corky and the heart to touch my breakfast. I told Jeeves to drink it himself. I was bowled over, absolutely. It was the limit. I hardly knew what to do. I wanted, of course, to rush down to Washington Square and grip the poor blighter silently by the hand. And then, thinking it over, I hathened the nerve. Absent treatment seemed the touch. I gave it to him in waves. But, after a month or so, I began to hesitate again. It struck me that it was playing it a bit low down on the poor chap, avoiding him like this, just when he probably wanted his pals to surge around him most. I pictured him sitting in his lonely studio with no company but his bitter thoughts and the pathos of it got to me to such an extent that I bounded straight into a taxi and told the driver to go all out for the studio. I rushed in and there was Corky, hunched up at the easel, painting away, while on the model throne sat a severe-looking woman of middle age holding a baby. A fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing. Oh, ah, I said, and started to back out. Corky looked over his shoulder. Hello, Bertie. Don't go. We're just finishing for the day. That will be all this afternoon, he said to the nurse, who got up with the baby and decanted it into a perambulator, which was standing in the fairway. At the same time tomorrow, Mr. Corcoran? Yes, please. Good afternoon. Good afternoon. Corky stood there, looking at the door, and then he turned to me and began to get it off his chest. Fortunately, he seemed to take it for granted because he knew all about what had happened, so it wasn't as awkward as it might have been. It's my uncle's idea, he said. Muriel doesn't know about it yet. The portrait's to be a surprise for her birthday party. The nurse takes the kid out, ostensibly to get a breather, and they beat it down here. If you want to get an instance of the irony of fate, Bertie, get acquainted with this. Here's the first commission I have ever had to paint a portrait, and the sitter is that human poached egg that has butted in and bounced me out of my inheritance. Can you beat it? I call it rubbing the thing in to expect me to spend my afternoon gazing into the ugly face of that little brat, who to all intents and purposes has hit me behind the ear with a blackjack and swiped all I possess. I can't refuse to paint the portrait because if I did, my uncle would stop my allowance. Yet, every time I look up and catch that kid's vacant eye, I suffer agonies. I tell you, Bertie, sometimes when he gives me a patronizing glance and then turns away and is sick, as if it revolted him to look at me, I come within an ace of occupying the entire front page of the evening papers as the latest murder sensation. There are moments when I can almost see the headlines. Promising young artist beans baby with axe. I padded his shoulder silently. My sympathy for the poor old scout was too deep for words. I kept away from the studio for some time after that because it didn't seem right to me to intrude on the poor chappy sorrow. Besides, I'm bound to say that nurse intimidated me. She reminded me so infernally of Aunt Agatha. She was the same gimlet-eyed type. But one afternoon Corky called me on the phone. Bertie, hello? Are you doing anything this afternoon? Nothing special? You couldn't come down here, could you? What's the trouble? Anything up? I finished the portrait. Good boy, stout work. Yes. His voice sounded rather doubtful. The fact is, Bertie, it doesn't look quite right to me. There's something about it. My uncle's coming in half an hour to inspect it, and I don't know why it is, but I kind of feel I'd like your moral support. I began to see that I was letting myself in for something. The sympathetic cooperation of G seemed to me to be indicated. You think you'll cut up rough? He may. I threw my mind back to the red-faced chappy I'd met at the restaurant and tried to picture him cutting up rough. It was only too easy. I spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone. I'll come, I said. Good. But only if I may bring Jeeves. Why Jeeves? What's Jeeves got to do with it? Who wants Jeeves? Jeeves is the fool who suggested the scheme that is led. Listen, Corky, old top. If you think I'm going to face that uncle of yours without Jeeves' support, you're mistaken. I'd sooner go into a den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the back of the neck. Oh, all right, said Corky. Not cordially, but he said it. So I rang for Jeeves and explained the situation. Very good, sir, said Jeeves. That's the sort of chap he is. You can't rattle him. We found Corky near the door looking at the picture with one hand up in a defensive sort of way as if he thought it might swing on him. Stand right where you are, birdie, he said, without moving. Now tell me honestly, how does it strike you? The light from the big window fell right on the picture. I took a good look at it. Then I shifted a bit nearer and took another look. Then I went back to where I'd been at first because it hadn't seen quite so bad from there. Well, said Corky anxiously. I hesitated a bit. Of course, old man, I only saw the kid once and then only for a moment, but, but... it was an ugly sort of kid, wasn't it, if I remember rightly? As ugly as that? I looked again and honesty compelled me to be frank. I don't see how it could have been, old chap. Poor old Corky ran his fingers through his hair in a temperamental sort of way. He groaned. You're all right, birdie. Something's gone wrong with the darn thing. My private impression is that, without knowing it, I've worked that stunt that Sergeant and those fellows pull, painting the soul of the sitter. I've got through the mere outward appearance and I've put the child's soul on canvas. But could a child of that age have a soul like that? I don't see how he could have managed it in the time. What do you think, Jeeves? I doubt it, sir. It, it sort of leers at you, doesn't it? You've noticed that too, said Corky. I don't see how one could help noticing. All I tried to do was give the little brood a cheerful expression, but as it turned out he looks positively dissipated. Just what I was going to suggest, old man, he looks as if he were in the middle of a colossal spree and enjoying every minute of it. Don't you think so, Jeeves? He has decided the inebriated air, sir. Corky was starting to say something when the door opened and the uncle came in. For about three seconds all was joy, jollity and goodwill. The old boy shook hands with me, slapped Corky on the back, said that he didn't think he had ever seen such a fine day and whacked his leg with his stick. Jeeves had projected himself into the background and he didn't notice him. Well, Bruce, my boy. So the portrait is finally finished, is it? Really finished. Well, bring it out. Let's have a look at it. This will be a wonderful surprise for your aunt. Well, where is it? Let's... And then he got it. Suddenly when he wasn't set for the punch and he rocked back on his heels. Oosh! he exclaimed. And for perhaps a minute there was one of the scaly assailances I have ever run up against. Is this a practical joke, he said at last, in a way that set about sixteen drafts cutting through the room at once? I thought it was up to me to rally round old Corky. You want to stand a bit farther away from it, I said. You are perfectly right, he snorted. I do. I want to stand so far away from it I can't see the thing with a telescope. He turned on Corky like an untamed tiger of the jungle who has just located a chunk of meat. And this, this is what you have been wasting your time and my money for all these years. A painter, I would let you paint a house of mine. I gave you this commission thinking that you were a competent worker and this, this, this extract from a comic colored supplement is the result. He swung towards the door, lashing his tail and growling to himself. This ends it. If you wish to continue this foolery of pretending to be an artist because you want an excuse for idleness, please yourself. But let me tell you this. Unless you report at my office on Monday morning prepared to abandon all this idiocy and start at the bottom of the business to work your way up as you should have a half dozen years ago not another cent. Not another cent. Not another. Then the door closed and he was no longer with us and I crawled out of the bomb-proof shelter. Corky all top, I whispered faintly. Corky was standing staring at the picture. His face was set. There was a hunted look in his eye. Well, that finishes it, muttered brokenly. What are you going to do? Do what can I do? I can't stick on here if he cuts off supplies. You heard what he said. I shall have to go to the office on Monday. I couldn't think of a thing to say. I knew exactly how he felt about the office. I don't know when I've been so infernally uncomfortable. It was just like hanging round trying to make conversation to a pal who's just been sentenced to twenty years in quad. And then a soothing voice broke the silence. If I might make a suggestion, sir. It was Jeeves. He had slid from the shadows and was gazing gravely at the picture. Upon my word I can't give you a better idea of the shattering effect of Corky's Uncle Alexander when in action than by say that he had absolutely made me forget for the moment that Jeeves was there. I wonder if I have ever happened to mention to you, sir, Mr. Digby Thysselton with whom I was once in service. Perhaps you have met him. He was a financier. He is now Lord Bridge North. It was a favorite saying of his that there is always a way. The first time I heard him use the expression was after the failure of a patent depilatory which he promoted. Jeeves, I said, what on earth are you talking about? I mentioned Mr. Thysselton, sir, because his was in some respects a parallel case to the present one. His depilatory failed, but he did not despair. He put it on the market again under the name of Harrow, guaranteed to produce a full crop of hair in a few months. It was advertised, if you remember, sir, by a humorous picture of a billiard ball before and after taking, and made such a substantial fortune that Mr. Thysselton was soon afterwards elevated to the peerage for services to his party. It seems to me that if Mr. Corcoran looks into the matter, he will find that, like Mr. Thysselton, there is always a way. Mr. Warpel himself suggested the solution of the difficulty. In the heat of the moment he compared the portrait to an extract from a colored comic supplement. I consider the suggestion a very valuable one, sir. Mr. Corcoran's portrait may not have pleased Mr. Warpel as a likeness of his only child, but I have no doubt that editors would gladly consider it as a foundation for a series of humorous drawings. If Mr. Corcoran will allow me to make the suggestion, his talent has always been for the humorous. There is something about this picture, something bold and vigorous which arrests the attention. I feel sure it would be highly popular. Corky was glaring at the picture and making a sort of dry, sucking noise with his mouth. He seemed completely overwrought. And then suddenly he began to laugh in a wild way. Corky, old man, I said, dodging him tenderly, I feared the poor blight was hysterical. He began to stagger about all over the floor. He's right. The man's absolutely right. Jeeves, you're a lifesaver. You've hit on the greatest idea of the age. Report at the office on Monday, start at the bottom of the business. I'll buy the business if I feel like it. I know the man who runs the comic section of the Sunday Star. He'll eat this thing. He was telling me only the other day how hard it was to get a good new series. He'll give me anything I ask for a real winner like this. I've got a gold mine. Where's my hat? I've got an income for life. Where's that confounded hat? Lend me a fiver, Bertie. I want to take a taxi down to Park Row. Jeeves smiled paternally. Or rather, he had a kind of paternal muscular spasm about the mouth, which is the nearest he ever gets to smiling. If I might make the suggestion, Mr. Corcoran, for a title of the series which you have in mind. The Adventures of Baby Blobs. Corky and I looked at the picture, then at each other in an odd way. Jeeves was right. There could be no other title. Jeeves, I said. It was a few weeks later, and I had just finished looking at the comic section of the Sunday Star. I'm an optimist. I always have been. The older I get, the more I agree with Shakespeare and those poet-johnies about it always being darkest before the dawn and there's a silver lining and what you lose on the swings you make up on the roundabouts. Look at Mr. Corcoran, for instance. There was a fellow, one would have said, clear up to the eyebrows in the soup. To all appearances he had got it right in the neck. Yet look at him now. Have you seen these pictures? I took the liberty of glancing at them before bringing them to you, sir. Extremely diverting. They have made a big hit, you know. I anticipated it, sir. I leaned back against the pillows. You know, Jeeves, you're a genius. You ought to be drawing a commission on these things. I have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir. Mr. Corcoran has been most generous. I am putting up the brown suit, sir. No, I think I'll wear the blue with the faint red stripe. Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir. But I'd rather fancy myself in it. Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir. Oh, all right. Have it your own way. Very good, sir. Thank you, sir. Of course I know it's as bad as being henpecked, but then Jeeves is always right. You have to consider that, you know, what? End of Leave it to Jeeves. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. My Man Jeeves by P.G. Wothouse Two. Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest. I'm not absolutely certain of my facts, but I'd rather fancy its Shakespeare, or if not, its some equally brainy lad who says that it's always just when a chappy is feeling particularly top-hole and more than usually braced with things in general that fate sneaks up behind him with a bit of lead piping. There's no doubt the man's right. It's absolutely that way with me. Take, for instance, the fairly rummy matter of Lady Malvern and her son, Wilmot. A moment before they turned up, I was thinking how thoroughly alright everything was. It was one of those topping mornings, and I had just climbed out from under the cold shower, feeling like a two-year-old. As a matter of fact, I was especially bucked just then, because the day before I had asserted myself with Jeeves. Absolutely asserted myself, don't you know? You see, the way things have been going on, I was rapidly becoming a dash at surf. But Jolly well oppressed me. I didn't so much mind when he made me give up one of my new suits, because, Jeeves' judgment about suits is sound, but I as near as a toucher rebelled when he wouldn't let me wear a pair of cloth-topped boots, which I loved like a couple of brothers. And when he tried to tread on me like a worm in the matter of a hat, I Jolly well put my foot down and showed him who was who. It's a long story, and I haven't time to tell you now, but the point is that he wanted me to wear the long-acre, as worn by John Drew, when I had set my heart on the country gentleman, as worn by another famous actor-chappy. And the end of the matter was that, after a rather painful scene, I bought the country gentleman. So that's how things stood on this particular morning, and I was feeling kind of manly and independent. Well, I was in the bathroom, wondering what there was going to be for breakfast while I massaged the good old spine with a rough towel and sang slightly when there was a tap at the door. I stopped singing and opened the door an inch. What ho without there? Lady Malvern wishes to see you, sir, said Jeeves. Eh? Lady Malvern, sir. She is waiting in the sitting-room. Pull yourself together, Jeeves, my man, I said rather severely, for I bar practical jokes before breakfast. You know perfectly well there is no one waiting for me in the sitting-room. How could there be when it's barely ten o'clock yet? I gather from her ladyship, sir, that she had landed from an ocean liner at an early hour this morning. This made the thing a bit more plausible. I remembered that, when I had arrived in America about a year before, the proceedings had begun at some ghastly hour like six, and I'd been shot out on to a foreign shore considerably before eight. Who the deuce is Lady Malvern, Jeeves? Her ladyship did not confide in me, sir. Is she alone? Her ladyship is accompanied by a lord per sure, sir. I fancy that his lordship would be her ladyship's son. Oh well, put out rich remit of sorts, and I'll be dressing. Our heather-mixture lounge is in readiness, sir. Then lead me to it. While I was dressing, I kept trying to think who on earth Lady Malvern could be. It was until I had climbed through the top of my shirt and was reaching out for the studs that I remembered. I've placed her, Jeeves. She's a pal of my aunt Agatha. Indeed, sir. Yes, I met her at lunch one Sunday before I left London. A very vicious specimen writes books. She wrote a book on social conditions in India when she came back from the Derber. Yes, sir? Pardon me, sir, but not that tie. Eh? Not that tie with the heather-mixture lounge, sir. It was a shock to me. I thought I had quelled the fellow. It was rather a solemn moment. What I mean is, if I weakened now, all my good work the night before would be thrown away. I braced myself. What's wrong with this tie? I've seen you give it a nasty look before. Speak out like a man. What's the matter with it? Two ornate, sir. Nonsense. A cheerful pink. Nothing more. Unsuitable, sir. Jeeves, this is the tie I wear. Very good, sir. Dash it, unpleasant. I could see that the man was wounded, but I was firm. I tied the tie, got into the coat and waistcoat, and went into the sitting-room. Hello, hello, hello, I said, what? Ah, how do you do, Mr. Wooster? You have never met my son, Wilmot. I think, Mati, darling, this is Mr. Wooster. Lady Malvern was a hearty, happy, healthy, overpowering sort of dashed female, not so very tall, but making up for it by measuring about six feet from the OP to the prompt side. She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season. She had bright, bulging eyes, and a lot of yellow hair, and when she spoke she showed about 57 front teeth. She was one of those women who kind of numb a fellow's faculties. She made me feel as if I were ten years old and had been brought into the drawing-room in my Sunday clothes to say, how do you do? Altogether, by no means the sort of a thing a chappy would wish to find in his sitting-room before breakfast. Mati, the son, was about 23, tall and thin and meek-looking. He had the same yellow hair as his mother, but he wore it plastered down and parted in the middle. His eyes bulged too, but they weren't bright. They were of dull gray with pink rims. His chin gave up the struggle about halfway down and he didn't appear to have any eyelashes. A mild, furtive, sheepish sort of blighter in short. Awfully glad to see you, I said. So you've popped over, eh? Making a long stay in America? About a month, your aunt gave me your address and told me to be sure to call on you. I was glad to hear this, as it showed that Aunt Agatha was beginning to come round a bit. There had been some unpleasantness a year before when she had sent me over to New York to disentangle my cousin, Gussie, from the clutches of a girl on the music-hall stage. When I tell you that by the time I had finished my operations Gussie had not only married the girl, but had gone on the stage himself and was doing well, you'll understand that Aunt Agatha was upset to no small extent. I simply hadn't dared to go back and face her and it was a relief to find that time had healed the wound and all that sort of thing enough to make her tell her pals to look me up. What I mean is, much as I'd liked America, I didn't want to have England barred to me for the rest of my natural and believe me, England is a jolly sight too small for anyone to live in with Aunt Agatha if she's really on the warpath. So I braced on hearing these kind words and smiled keenly on the assemblage. Your aunt said that you would do anything that was in your power to be of assistance to us. Rather? Oh, rather, absolutely. Thank you so much. I want you to put Dear Muddy up for a little while. I didn't get this for a moment. Put him up? For my clubs? No, no. Darling Muddy is essentially a home bird. Aren't you Muddy, darling? Muddy, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself. Yes, mother, he said, and corked himself up again. I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have him to live with you while I'm away. These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply didn't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave Muddy the swift east to west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling the stick, blinking at the wall. The thought of having this planted on me for an indefinite period appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't you know? I was just starting to say that the shot wasn't on the board at any price, and that the first sign Muddy gave of trying to nestle into my little home I would yell for the police when she went on, rolling placidly over me, as it were. There was something about this woman that sapped a chappy's willpower. I am leaving New York by the midday train as I have to pay a visit to Sing Sing Prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions in America. After that I work my way gradually across to the coast, visiting the points of interest on the journey. You see, Mr. Wooster, I am in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book, India and the Indians. My publishers are anxious for me to write a companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spend more than a month in the country as I have to get back for the season, but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and my dear friend Sir Roger Cremor wrote his America from within after a stay of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Madi with me, but the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to pick him up on my return. For where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining room, laying the breakfast table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone. I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some way of putting a stop to this woman. It will be such a relief to know that Madi is safe with you, Mr. Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear Madi has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the country. I know that you will look after him carefully, Mr. Wooster. He will give very little trouble. She talked about the poor blighter as if he wasn't there. Not that Madi seemed a mind. He had stopped chewing his walking-stick and was sitting there with his mouth open. He is a vegetarian and a tea-totaler and is devoted to reading. Give him a nice book and he will be quite contented. She got up. Thank you so much, Mr. Wooster. I don't know what I should have done without your help. Come, Madi. We have just time to see a few of the sights before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and take notes of your impressions. It will be such a help. Goodbye, Mr. Wooster. I will send Madi back early in the afternoon. They went out and I howled for Jeeves. Jeeves, what about it? Sir, what's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the dining-room most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here. Pill, sir? The excrescence. I beg your pardon, sir? I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. It was if he was deliberately trying to give me the pip. Then I understood. The man was really upset about that tie. He was trying to get his own back. Lord Pershor will be staying from here tonight, Jeeves, I said, coldly. Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir. I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs that there wasn't any sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it. For a moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if he didn't like them, but I pulled myself together again. I was dashed if I was going to let Jeeves treat me like a ballet one-man chain gang. But with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Madi I was in a pretty reduced sort of state. The more I examined the situation the more blighted it became. There was nothing I could do. If I slung Madi out he would report to his mother and she would pass it on to Aunt Agatha and I didn't like to think what would happen then. Sooner or later I should be wanting to go back to England and I didn't want to get there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the key for me with a stuffed eel-skin. There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the fellow up and make the best of it. About mid-day Madi's luggage arrived and soon afterwards a large parcel of what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when I saw it. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it had enough in it to keep the chappy busy for a year. I felt a trifle more cheerful and I got my country gentleman hat and stuck it on my head and gave that pink tie a twist and reeled out to take a bite of lunch to one or two of the lads at a neighboring hostelry and what with excellent browsing and sleucing and cheery conversation and what not the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner time I had almost forgotten Blighted Madi's existence. I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterwards and it wasn't till fairly late that I got back to the flat. There were no signs of Madi and I took it that he had gone to bed. It seemed rummy to me though and the parcel of nice books was still there with a string and paper on it. It looked as if Madi, after seeing mother off at the station I decided to call it a day. Jeeves came in with the nightly whiskey and soda. I could tell by the chappy's manner that he was still upset. Lord Pershoor gone to bed, Jeeves, I asked with reserved haughtier and what not. No, sir. His lordship has not yet returned. Not returned, what do you mean? His lordship came in shortly after 6.30 and, having dressed, went out again. At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a sort of scrabbling noise as if somebody were trying to paw his way through the woodwork, then a sort of thud. Better go and see what that is, Jeeves. Very good, sir. He went out and came back in again. If you would not mind stepping this way, sir, I think we might be able to carry him in. Carry him in? His lordship is lying on the mat, sir. I went to the front door. The man was right. There was Madi huddled up outside on the floor. He was moaning a bit. He's had some sort of dashed fit, I said. I took another look. Jeeves, someone's been feeding him meat. Sir? He's a vegetarian, you know. He must have been digging into a steak or something. Call up a doctor. I hardly think it will be necessary, sir. If you will take his lordship's legs while I grate Scott, Jeeves, you don't think he can't be. I am inclined to think so, sir. And by Jove he was right. Once on the right track you couldn't mistake it. Madi was under the surface. It was the deuce of a shock. You never can tell, Jeeves. Very seldom, sir. Remove the eye of authority and where are you? Precisely, sir. Where is my wandering boy tonight and all that sort of thing? What? It would seem so, sir. Well, we had better bring him in, eh? Yes, sir. So we lugged him in and Jeeves put him to bed and I lit a cigarette and sat down to think the thing over. I had a kind of foreboding. It seemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky. Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea, I went into Madi's room to investigate. I expected to find the fellow a wreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed, quite chirpy, reading gingery stories. What-ho, I said. What-ho, said Madi. What-ho, what-ho. What-ho, what-ho, what-ho. After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation. How are you feeling this morning, I asked. Topping replied Madi, blithely and with abandon. I say, you know that fellow of yours, Jeeves, you know, is a corker. I had a most frightful headache when I woke up and he brought me a sort of rummy, dark drink and it put me right again at once. Said it was his own invention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly one of the ones. I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who had sat and sucked his stick the day before. You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn't you? I said, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to. But he wouldn't have it at any price. No, he replied firmly. I didn't do anything of the kind. I drank too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And what's more, I'm going to do it again. I'm going to do it every night. If ever you see me sober old top, he said, and with a kind of holy exaltation, tap me on the shoulder and say, tut tut, and I'll apologize and remedy the defect. But I say, you know, what about me? What about you? Well, I'm so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you. What I mean to say is, if you go doing this sort of thing, I'm apt to get in the soup somewhat. I can't help your trouble, said Marty firmly. Listen to me, old thing. This is the first time in my life that I've had a real chance to yield to the temptations of a great city. What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it so bolly discouraging for a great city. Besides, mother told me to keep my eyes open and collect impressions. I sat on the edge of the bed. I felt dizzy. I know just how you feel, old dear, said Marty consolingly, and if my principles would permit it, I would simmer down for your sake. But duty first. This is the first time I've been let out alone, and I mean to make the most of it. We're only young once. Why interfere with life's mourning? Young man, rejoice in thy youth. Tra-la-wat-ho. Put like that, it did seem reasonable. All my bally life, dear boy, Marty went on. I've been cooped up in the ancestral home in much Middlefold in Shropshire. Until you've been cooped up in much Middlefold, you don't know what cooping is. The only time we get any excitement is when one of the choir boys gets a chocolate during the sermon. When that happens, we talk about it for days. I've got about a month of New York, and I mean to store up a few happy memories for the long winter evenings. This is my only chance to collect a past, and I'm going to do it. Now tell me, old sport, as man to man, how does one get in touch with that very decent chappy jeeves? Does one ring the bell or shout a bit? I should like to discuss the subject of a good Steph B&S with him. I had had a sort of vague idea, don't you know, that if I stuck close to Marty and went about the place with him, I might act as a bit of a damper on the gaiety. What I mean is, I thought that if, when he was being the life and soul of the party, he were to catch my reproving eye, he might ease up a trifle on the revelry. So the next night I took him along to supper with me. It was the last time. I'm a quiet, peaceful sort of chappy who has lived all his life in London, and I can't stand the pace these swift sportsmen from the rural district set. What I mean to say is this, I'm all for rational enjoyment and so forth, but I think a chappy makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the electric fan. And decent mirth and all that sort of thing are all right, but I do bar dancing on tables and having to dash all over the place dodging waiters, managers, and chuckers out just when you want to sit still and digest. Directly I managed to tear myself away that night and get home. I made up my mind that this was Jollywell the last time I went about with Muddy. The only time I met him late at night after that was once when I passed the door of a fairly low-down sort of restaurant and had to step aside to dodge him as he sailed through the air en route for the opposite pavement, with a muscular sort of looking chappy staring out after him with a kind of gloomy satisfaction. In a way, I couldn't help sympathizing with the fellow. He had about four weeks to have the good time that ought to have been spread over about ten years, and I didn't wonder at his wanting to be pretty busy. I should have been just the same in his place. Still, there was no denying that it was a bit thick. If it hadn't been for the thought of Lady Malvern and Aunt Agatha in the background, I should have regarded Muddy's rapid work with an indulgent smile. But I couldn't get rid of the feeling that sooner or later I was the lad who was scheduled to get it behind the ear. And what, with brooding on this prospect and sitting up in the old flat waiting for the familiar footstep and putting it to bed when it got there and stealing it to the sick chamber the next morning to contemplate the wreckage, I was beginning to lose weight. Absolutely becoming the good old shadow. I give you my honest word. Starting at sudden noises and what not. And no sympathy from Jeeves. That was what cut me to the quick. The man was still thoroughly pipped about the hat and tie and simply wouldn't rally round. One morning I wanted comforting so much that I sank the pride of the Woosters and appealed to the fellow direct. Jeeves, I said, this is getting a bit thick. Sir? Business and cold respectfulness. You know what I mean. This lad seems to have chucked all the principles of a well spent boyhood. He's got it up his nose. Yes, sir. Well, I shall get blamed, don't you know? You know what my aunt Agatha is. Yes, sir. Very well then. I waited a moment, but he wouldn't unbend. Jeeves, I said, haven't you any scheme up your sleeve for coping with this blighter? No, sir. And he shimmered off to his lair. Obstinate devil. So dash it absurd, don't you know? It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with that country gentleman hat. It was a remarkably priceless effort and much admired by the lads. But just because he preferred the long acre, he left me flat. It was shortly after this that young Muddy got the idea of bringing pals back in the small hours to continue the gay revels in the home. This was where I began to crack under the strain. You see, the part of town where I was living wasn't the right place for that sort of thing. I knew lots of chapies down Washington Square way who started the evening at about 2 a.m., artists and writers and what not, who frolicked considerably till checked by the rival of the morning milk. That was all right. They liked that sort of thing down there. The neighbors can't get to sleep unless there's someone dancing away and dances over their heads. But on 57th Street, the atmosphere wasn't right. And when Muddy turned up at 3 in the morning with a collection of hardy lads who only stopped singing their college song when they started singing The Old Oaken Bucket, there was a marked peevishness among the old settlers in the flats. The management was extremely terse and took a lot of soothing. The next night I came home early. After a lonely dinner at a place which I'd chosen because there didn't seem any chance of meeting Muddy there. The sitting room was quite dark and I was just moving to switch on the light when there was a sort of explosion and something collared hold of my trouser leg. Living with Muddy had reduced me to such an extent that I was simply unable to cope with this thing. I jumped backward with a loud yell of anguish and tumbled out into the hall just as Jeeves came out of his den to see what the matter was. Did you call, sir? Jeeves, there's something in there that grabs you by the leg. That would be Rallo, sir. Eh? I would have warned you of his presence but I did not hear you come in. His temper is a little uncertain at present as he has not yet settled down. Who the deuce is Rallo? His lordship's pool terrier, sir. His lordship won him in a raffle and tied him to the leg of the table. If you will allow me, sir, I will go in and switch on the light. There really is nobody like Jeeves. He walked straight into the sitting room the biggest feet since Daniel and the lion's den without a quiver. What's more, his magnetism or whatever they call it was such that the dashed animal, instead of pinning him by the leg, calmed down as if it had had a bromide and rolled over on his back with all of his paws in the air. If Jeeves had been his rich uncle he couldn't have been more chummy. Yet directly he caught sight of me again. He got all worked up and seemed to have only one idea in life to start chewing me where he had left off. Rallo is not used to you yet, sir, said Jeeves, regarding the ballet quadruped in an admiring sort of way. He is an excellent watchdog. I don't want a watchdog to keep me out of my rooms. No, sir. Well, what am I to do? No doubt in time the animal will learn to discriminate, sir. He will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent. What do you mean my peculiar scent? Correct the impression that I intend to hang about in the hall while life slips by in the hope that one of these days that dashed animal will decide that I smell all right. I thought for a bit. Jeeves, sir? I'm going away. Tomorrow morning by the first train. I shall go and stop with Mr. Todd in the country. Do you wish me to accompany you, sir? No. Very good, sir. I don't know when I shall be back forward my letters. Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, I was back within the week. Rucky Todd, who I went to stay with, is a rummy sort of a chap who lives all alone in the wilds of Long Island and likes it. But a little of that sort of thing goes a long way with me. Dear old Rucky is one of the best, but after a few days in his cottage in the woods miles away from anywhere, New York, even with Maddie on the premises, began to look pretty good to me. The days down on Long Island have forty-eight hours in them. You have to get to sleep at night because of the bellowing of the crickets and you have to walk two miles for a drink and six for an evening paper. I thanked Rucky for his kind hospitality and caught the only train they have down in those parts. It landed me in New York about dinner time. I went straight to the old flat. Jeeves came out of his lair. I looked round cautiously for Rallo. Where's that dog Jeeves? Have you got him tied up? The animal is no longer here, sir. His lordship gave him to the porter who sold him. His lordship took a prejudice against the animal on account of being bitten by him in the calf of the leg. I don't think I've ever been so bucked by a bit of news. I felt I had misjudged Rallo. Evidently, when you got to know him better, he had a lot of intelligence in him. Ripping, I said. Is Lord Pershor in, Jeeves? No, sir. Do you expect him back to dinner? No, sir. Where is he? In prison, sir. Have you ever trodden on a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you? That's how I felt then. In prison? Yes, sir. You don't mean in prison? Yes, sir. I lowered myself into a chair. Why, I said, he assaulted a constable, sir. Lord Pershor assaulted a constable? Yes, sir. I digested this. But, Jeeves, I say, this is frightful, sir. What will Lady Malvern say when she finds out? I do not fancy that her ladyship will find out, sir. But she'll come back and want to know where he is. I don't know where he is. I don't know where he is. I want to know where he is. I rather fancy, sir, that his lordship's bit of time will have run out by then. But supposing it hasn't. In that event, sir, it may be judicious to prevaricate a little. How? If I might make the suggestion, sir, I should inform her ladyship that his lordship has left for a short visit to Boston. Why Boston? Very interesting and respectable center, sir. Jeeves, I believe you've hit it. I fancy so, sir. Why? This is really the best thing that could have happened. If this hadn't turned up to prevent him, young Maddie would have been in a sanatorium by the time Lady Malvern got back. Exactly, sir. The more I looked at it that way, the sound of this prison wee seemed to me. There was no doubt in the world just what the doctor ordered for Maddie. It was the only thing that could have pulled him up. I was sorry for the poor blighter, but after all I reflected a chappy who had lived all his life with Lady Malvern in a small village in the interior of Shropshire wouldn't have much to kick at in a prison. Altogether I began to feel absolutely braced again. Life became like what that poet says, one grand sweet song. Things went on so comfortably and peaceably for a couple of weeks that I give you my word that I had almost forgotten such a person as Maddie existed. The only flaw in the scheme of things was that Jeeves was still pained and distant. It wasn't anything he said or did, mind you, but there was a rummy something about him all the time. Once, when I was tying the pink tie, I caught sight of him looking glass. There was a kind of grieved look in his eye. And then Lady Malvern came back, a good bid ahead of schedule. I hadn't been expecting her for days. I'd forgotten how time had been slipping along. She turned up one morning while I was still in bed sipping tea and thinking of this and that. Jeeves flowed in with the announcement that he had just loosed her into the sitting-room. I draped around me and went in. There she was, sitting in the same armchair looking as massive as ever. The only difference was that she didn't uncover the teeth as she had done the first time. Good morning, I said. So you've got back, what? I have got back. There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn't breakfasted. It's only after a bit of breakfast that I'm able to regard the world with that sunny cheeriness which makes a fellow the universal favorite. I'm never much of a lad till I've engulfed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee. I suppose you haven't breakfasted? I have not yet breakfasted. Won't you have an egg or something? Or a sausage or something? No, thank you. She spoke as if she belonged to an anti-sauce society or a league for the suppression of eggs. There was a bit of silence. I called on you last night, she said, but you were out. Awfully sorry. Had a pleasant trip. Extremely thank you. See everything? Niagara Falls, Yellowstone Park, under the jolly old Grand Canyon and what not? I saw a great deal. There was another slightly frappé silence. Jeeps floated silently into the dining room and began to lay the breakfast table. I hope Wilmot was not in your way, Mr. Wooster. I'd been wondering when she was going to mention Matty. Rather not, great pals, hit it off splendidly. You were his constant companion then? Absolutely. We were always together. Saw all the sights, don't you know? We'd taken the museum of art in the morning and have a bit of lunch at some good vegetarian place and then toddle along to a sacred concert in the afternoon and home to an early dinner. We usually played dominoes after dinner and then the early bed and the refreshing sleep. We had a great time. I was awfully sorry when he went to Boston. Oh, Wilmot isn't Boston? Yes, I ought to have let you know but of course we didn't know where you were. You were dodging all over the place like a snipe. I mean, don't you know, dodging all over the place and we couldn't get at you. Yes, Matty went off to Boston. You were sure he went to Boston? Oh, absolutely. I called out to Jeeps who was now messing about in the next room with forks and so forth. But Wilmot didn't change his mind about going to Boston, did he? No, sir. I thought I was right. Yes, Matty went to Boston. Then how do you account, Mr. Booster, for the fact that when I went yesterday afternoon to Blackwell's Island Prison to secure material for my book, I saw poor, dear Wilmot there dressed in a striped suit seated beside a pile of stones with a hammer in his hands. I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came. A chapie has to be a lot broader about the forehead than I am to handle a jolt like this. I strained the old bean till it creaked. But between the collar and the hair parting, nothing stirred. I was dumb. Which was lucky because I wouldn't have had a chance to get any persiflage out of my system. Lady Malvern collared the conversation. She had been bottling it up and came out with a rush. So this is how you have looked after my poor, dear boy, Mr. Wooster. So this is how you have abused my trust. I left him in your charge, thinking that I could rely on you to shield him from evil. He came to you innocent, unversed in the ways of the world, confiding, unused to the temptations of a large city, and you let him astray. I hadn't any remarks to make. All I could think of was the picture of Aunt Agatha drinking all this in and reaching out to sharpen the hatchet against my return. You deliberately, far away in the misty distance, a soft voice spoke. If I might explain your ladyship. Jeeves had projected himself in from the dining-room and materialized on the rug. Lady Malvern tried to freeze him with a look, but you can't do that sort of thing He is look-proof. I fancy your ladyship that you have misunderstood Mr. Wooster and that he may have given you the impression that he was in New York when his lordship was removed. When Mr. Wooster informed your ladyship that his lordship had gone to Boston, he was relying on the version I had given him of his lordship's movements. Mr. Wooster was away visiting a friend in the country at the time and knew nothing matter till your ladyship informed him. Lady Malvern gave a kind of grunt. It didn't rattle Jeeves. I feared Mr. Wooster might be disturbed if he knew the truth, as he is so attached to his lordship and has taken such pains to look after him. So I took the liberty of telling him that his lordship had gone away for a visit. It might have been hard for Mr. Wooster to believe that his lordship had gone to prison voluntarily and from the best motives. But your ladyship, knowing him better, will readily understand. What? Lady Malvern goggled at him. Did you say that Lord Pershoor went to prison voluntarily? If I might explain your ladyship, I think that your ladyship's parting words made a deep impression on his lordship. I have frequently heard him speak to Mr. Wooster of his desire to do something to follow your ladyship's instructions and collect material for your ladyship's book on America. Mr. Wooster will bear me out when I say that his lordship was frequently extremely depressed at the thought that he was doing so little to help. Absolutely, by Jove, quite pipped about it, I said. The idea of making a personal examination into the prison system of the country, from within, occurred to his lordship very suddenly one night. But eagerly there was no restraining him. Lady Malvern looked at Jeeves. Then at me. Then at Jeeves again. I could see her struggling with the thing. Surely your ladyship said Jeeves. It is more reasonable to suppose that a gentleman of his lordship's character went to prison of his own volition than that he committed some breach of the law which necessitated his arrest. Lady Malvern blinked. Then she got up. Mr. Wooster, she said. I apologize. I have done you an injustice. I should have known Wilmot better. I should have had more faith in his pure, fine spirit. Absolutely, I said. Your breakfast is ready, sir, said Jeeves. I sat down and dalled in a dazed sort of way with a poached egg. I said to myself, Jeeves, I said. You are certainly a lifesaver. Thank you, sir. Nothing would have convinced my aunt Agatha that I had lured that blighter into riotous living. I fancy you are right, sir. I champed on my egg for a bit. I was most awfully moved, don't you know, by the way Jeeves had rallied round. Something seemed to tell me that this was an occasion that called for rich rewards. For a moment, I hesitated. Then, I made up my mind. Jeeves, sir. That pink tie? Yes, sir. Burn it. Thank you, sir. And Jeeves, yes, sir. Take a taxi and get me that long-acre hat as worn by John Drew. Thank you very much, sir. I fell asleep in the last chapter. I felt most awfully braced. I felt as if the clouds had rolled away and all was as it used to be. I felt like one of those chapies in the novels who calls off the fight with his wife in the last chapter and decides to forget and forgive. I felt I wanted to do all sorts of other things to show Jeeves that I appreciated him. Jeeves, I said. It isn't enough. Anything else you would like? Yes, sir. If I may make the suggestion fifty dollars. Fifty dollars? It will help me enable to pay a debt of honor, sir. I owe it to his lordship. You owe Lord Pershor fifty dollars? Yes, sir. I happened to meet him in the street that night. His lordship was arrested. I had been thinking a good deal about the most suitable method to abandon his mode of living, sir. His lordship was a little overexcited at the time and I fancy that he mistook me for a friend of his. At any rate, when I took the liberty of wagering him fifty dollars that he would not punch a passing policeman in the eye, he accepted the bet very cordially and won it. I produced my pocketbook and counted out a hundred. Take this, Jeeves, I said. And enough. Do you know, Jeeves, you're, well, you absolutely stand alone. I endeavor to give satisfaction, sir, said Jeeves. End of Jeeves and the Unbidden Guests. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. My Man Jeeves by PG Wote House 3. Jeeves and the Hard Boiled Egg Sometimes of a morning, as I've sat in bed sucking down the early cup of tea and watched my man Jeeves flitting about the room and putting out the remit for the day, I've wondered what the deuce I should do if the fellow ever took it into his head to leave me. It's not so bad now I'm in New York, but in London my anxiety was frightful. There used to be all sorts of attempts on the part of low-bliders to sneak him away from me. Young Reggie Foljam, to my certain knowledge offered him double what I was giving him, and Alastair Bingham Reeves, who's got a valet who had been known to press his trousers sideways, used to look at him when he came to see me with a kind of glittery hungry eye that disturbed me deucidly. Bally pirates. The thing you see is that Jeeves is so dashed competent you can spot it even in the way he shoves studs into a shirt. I rely on him absolutely in every crisis and he never lets me down. And what's more he can always be counted on to extend himself on behalf of any pal of mine who happens to be to all appearances knee-deep in the bullion. Take the rather rummy case, for instance, of dear old Bicky and his uncle the hard-boiled egg. It happened after I had been in America for a few months. I got back to the flat, latest one night, and when Jeeves brought me the final drink he said, Mr. Bickersteth called to see you this evening, sir, while you were out. Oh, I said. Twice, sir. He appeared a trifle agitated. What, pipped? He gave that impression, sir. I sipped the whiskey. I was sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but as a matter of fact I was rather glad to have something I could discuss freely with Jeeves just then, because things had been a bit strained between us for some time and it had been rather difficult to hit on something to talk about that wasn't apt to take a personal turn. You see, I had decided, rightly or wrongly, to grow a mustache and this had cut Jeeves to the quick. He couldn't stick the thing at any price, and I had been living ever since in an atmosphere of bally disapproval till I was getting jolly well fed up with it. What I mean is, while there is no doubt that in certain matters of dress Jeeves's judgment is absolutely sound and should be followed. It seemed to me that it was getting a bit too thick if he was going to edit my face as well as my costume. No one can call me an unreasonable chappy, and many's the time I've given in like a lamb when Jeeves has voted against one of my pet suits or ties, but when it comes to a valet staking out a claim on your upper lip you've simply got to have a bit of a good old bulldog pluck and defy the blighter. He said that he would call again later, sir. Something must be up, Jeeves. Yes, sir. I gave the mustache a thoughtful twirl. It seemed to hurt Jeeves a good deal, so I chucked it. I see by the paper, sir, that Mr. Bickersteth's uncle is arriving on the Carmantic. Yes. His grace the Duke of Chiswick, sir. This was news to me that Bicky's uncle was a Duke. Rum, how little one knows about one's pals. I had met Bicky for the first time at a speices of Bino or Jamboree down in Washington Square, not long after my arrival in New York. I suppose I was a bit homesick at the time, and I rather took to Bicky when I found out he was an Englishman and had, in fact, been up at Oxford with me. Besides, he was a frightful chump, so he naturally drifted together, and while we were taking a quiet snort in a corner that wasn't all cluttered up with artists and sculptors and what not, he furthermore endeared himself to me by a most extraordinarily gifted imitation of a terrier chasing a cat up a tree. But, though we had subsequently become extremely pally, all I really knew about him was that he was generally hard up, and had an uncle who relieved the strain a bit from time to time by sending him monthly remittances. If the Duke of Chiswick is his uncle, I said, why hasn't he a title? Why isn't he Lord what not? Mr. Bickerstead is the son of his grace's late sister, sir, who married Captain Rallo Bickerstead of the Coldstream Guards. Jeves knows everything. Is Mr. Bickerstead's father dead too? Yes, sir. Leave any money? No, sir. I began to understand why poor old Bicky was always more or less on the rocks. To the casual and irreflective observer, if you know him, it may sound a pretty good wheeze having a Duke for an uncle, but the trouble about old Chiswick was that, though an extremely wealthy old buster, owning half London and about five counties up north, he was notoriously the most prudent spender in England. He was what American chapies would call a hard-boiled egg. If Bicky's people hadn't left him anything and he depended on what he could prize out of the old Duke, he was in a pretty bad way. Not that that explained why he was hunting me like this because he was a chap who never borrowed money. He said he wanted to keep his pals so never bit anyone's ear on principle. At this juncture the doorbell rang. Jeves floated out to answer it. Yes, sir. Mr. Wooster has just returned, I heard him say. And Bicky came trickling in, looking pretty sorry for himself. Hello, Bicky, I said. Jeves told me you had been trying to get me. Jeves, bring another glass and let the revels commence. What's the trouble, Bicky? I'm in a hole, Bertie. I want your advice. Say on, old lad. My uncle's turning up tomorrow, Bertie. So Jeves told me. The Duke of Chiswick, you know. So Jeves told me. Bicky seemed a bit surprised. Jeves seems to know everything. Rather rumbly, that's exactly what I was thinking just now myself. Well, I wish, said Bicky gloomily, that he knew a way to get me out of the hole I'm in. Jeves shimmered in with the glass and stuck it competently on the table. Mr. Bickersteth is in a bit of a hole, Jeves, I said, and wants you to rally round. Very good, sir. Bicky looked a bit doubtful. Well, of course you know, Bertie. This thing is by way of being a bit private and all that. I shouldn't worry about that, old top. I bet Jeves knows all about it already. Don't you, Jeves? Yes, sir. Eh? Said Bicky, rattled. I am open to correction, sir, but is not your dilemma due to the fact that you are at a loss to explain to his grace why you are in New York instead of Colorado? Bicky rocked like a jelly in a high wind. How the deuce do you know anything about it? I chanced to meet his grace's butler before he left England. He informed me that he happened to overhear his grace speaking to you on the matter, sir, as he passed the library door. Bicky gave a hollow sort of laugh. Well, as everybody seems to know all about it, I need to try to keep it dark. The old boy turfed me out, Bertie, because he said I was a brainless nincompoop. The idea was that he would give me a remittance on condition that I dashed out to some blighted locality of the name of Colorado and learned farming or ranching or whatever they call it at some valley ranch or farm or whatever it's called. I didn't fancy the idea a bit. I should have had to ride horses and pursue cows and so forth. I hate horses. They bite at you. I was all against the scheme. At the same time, don't you know, I had to have that remittance. I get you absolutely, dear boy. Well, when I got to New York it looked like a decent sort of place to me so I thought it would be pretty sound notion to stop here. So I cabled to my uncle telling him that I had dropped into a good business wheeze and wanted to chuck the ranch idea. He wrote back that it was all right and here I've been ever since. He thinks I'm doing well at something or other over here. I never dreamed, don't you know, that he would ever come out here. What on earth am I to do? Jeeves, I said, what on earth is Mr. Bickerstaff to do? You see, said Bicky, I had a wireless from him to say that he was coming to stay with me to save hotel bills, I suppose. I've always given him the impression that I was living in pretty good style. I can't have him stay at my boarding-house. Thought of anything, Jeeves, I said. To what extent, sir, if the question is not a delicate one, are you prepared to assist Mr. Bickerstaff? I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bicky old man. Then, if I might make the suggestion, sir, you might lend Mr. Bickerstaff No, by Jove, said Bicky, firmly. I never have touched you, Bertie, and I'm not going to start now. I may be a chump, but it's my boast that I don't owe a penny to a single soul. Not counting tradesmen, of course. I was about to suggest, sir, that you might lend Mr. Bickerstaff this flat. Mr. Bickerstaff could give his grace the impression that he was the owner of it. With your permission, sir, I'll do anything I can for you. With your permission, I could convey the notion that I was in Mr. Bickerstaff's employment and not in yours. You would be residing here temporarily as Mr. Bickerstaff's guest. His grace would occupy the second spare bedroom. I fancy that you would find this answer satisfactorily, sir. Bicky had stopped rocking himself and was staring at you in an odd sort of way. I would advocate the dispatching message to his grace on board the vessel, notifying him of the change of address. Mr. Bickerstaff could meet his grace at the dock and proceed directly here. Would that meet the situation, sir? Absolutely. Thank you, sir. Bicky followed him with his eye to the door closed. How does he do it, Bertie, he said? I'll tell you what I think it is. I believe it's something to do with the shape of his head. Have you ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man? It sort of sticks out at the back. I hopped out of bed early next morning so as to be among those present when the old boy should arrive. I knew from experience that these ocean liners fetch up at the dock at a deucidly ungodly hour. It was a munch after nine by the time I'd dressed and had my morning tea and was leaning out of the window, watching the street for Bicky and his uncle. It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a chappy wish he'd got a soul or something and I was just brooding on life in general when I became aware of the dickens of a spade in progress down below. A taxi had driven up and an old boy in a top hat had got out and was kicking up a frightful row about the fare. As far as I could make out he was trying to get the cab chappy to switch from New York to London and the cab chappy had apparently never heard of London before and didn't seem to think a lot of it now. The old boy said that in London the trip would have set him back eight pence and the cabby said he should worry. I called to Jeeves. The old duke has arrived, Jeeves. Yes, sir. That'll be him at the door now. Jeeves made a long arm and opened the front door and the old boy crawled in looking licked to a splinter. How do you do, sir? I said, bustling up and being the ray of sunshine. Your nephew went down to the dock to meet you but you must have missed him. My name's Wooster, don't you know. Great pal of biggies and all that sort of thing. I'm staying with him, you know. Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a cup of tea. Old Chiswick had sunk into an armchair and was looking about the room. Does this luxury flat belong to my nephew Francis? Absolutely. It must be terribly expensive. Pretty well, of course. Everything costs a lot over here, you know. He moaned. Jeeves filtered in with the tea. Old Chiswick took a stab at it to restore his tissues and nodded. A terrible country, Mr. Wooster. A terrible country. Nearly eight shillings for a short cab drive. Iniquitous. He took another look around the room. It seemed to fascinate him. Have you any idea how much my nephew pays for this flat, Mr. Wooster? About two hundred dollars a month, I believe. What? Forty pounds a month? I began to see that, unless I made the thing a bit more plausible, the scheme might turn out a frost. I could guess what the old boy was thinking. He was trying to square all the things he had to do with what he knew of poor old Bickey. And one had to admit that it took a lot of squaring. For dear old Bickey, though a stout fellow and absolutely unrivaled as an imitator of bull terriers and cats, was in many ways one of the most pronounced fat heads that ever pulled on a suit of Jantz underwear. I suppose it seems rummy to you, I said, but the fact is New York often bucks chappies up and makes them show a flash of speed that you wouldn't have imagined them capable of. It sort of develops them. Something in the air, don't you know? I imagine that Bickey in the past, when you knew him, may have been something of a chump. But it's quite different now. Devilish efficient sort of chappy and looked in on commercial circles as quite the nib. I'm amazed. What is the nature of my nephew's business, for sure? Oh, just business, don't you know? The same sort of thing Carnegie and Rockefeller and all those coves do, you know. I slid for the door. Awfully sorry to leave you, but I've got to meet some of the lads elsewhere. Coming out of the lift I met Bickey bustling in from the street. Hello, Bertie. I missed him, as he turned up. He's upstairs now, having some tea. What does he think of it all? He's absolutely rattled. Ripping. I'll be toddling up, then. Toodle-oo, Bertie, old man. See you later. Pip-pip, Bickey, dear boy. He trotted off, full of merriment and good cheer, and I went off to the club to sit in the window and watch the traffic coming up one way and going down the other. It was latest in the evening when I looked in at the flat to dress for dinner. Where's everybody, Jeeves? I said, finding no little feet pattering about the place. Gone out? His grace desired to see some of the sights of the city, sir. Mr. Bickersteth is acting as his escort. I fancy their immediate objective was Grant's tomb. I suppose Mr. Bickersteth is a bit braced up the way things are going. What? Sir? I say, I take it that Mr. Bickersteth is tolerably full of beans. Not altogether, sir. What's his trouble now? The scheme which I took the liberty of suggesting to Mr. Bickersteth and yourself has, unfortunately, not answered entirely satisfactorily, sir. Surely that Duke believes that Mr. Bickersteth is doing well in business and all that sort of thing? Exactly, sir. With the result that he has decided to cancel Mr. Bickersteth's monthly allowance on the ground that, as Mr. Bickersteth is doing so well on his own account, he no longer requires pecuniary assistance. Great! Scott, Jeeves, this is awful. Somewhat disturbing, sir. I never expected anything like this. I confess, I scarcely anticipated the contingency myself, sir. I suppose it bold the poor blighter over, absolutely. Mr. Bickersteth appeared somewhat taken aback, sir. My heart bled for Bicky. We must do something, Jeeves. Yes, sir. Can you think of anything? Not at the moment, sir. There must be something we can do. It was a maxim of one of my former employers, sir, as I believe I mentioned to you once before at the present Lord Bridge North that there is always a way. I remember his lordship using the expression on the occasion he was then a business gentleman and had not yet received his title, when a patent hair-restorer which he chanced to be promoting failed to attract the public. He put it on the market under another name as a depilatory and amassed a substantial fortune. I have generally found his lordship's aphorism based on sound foundations. No doubt we shall be able to discover some solution of Mr. Bickersteth's difficulty, sir. Well, have a stab at it, Jeeves. I will spare no pains, sir. I went and dressed sadly. It will show you pretty well how pipped I was when I tell you that I near as toucher put on a white tie with a dinner jacket. I thought for a bit of food more to pass the time than because I wanted it. It seemed brutal to be waiting into the bill of fair with poor old Bicky headed for the bread-line. When I got back old Chiswick had gone to bed, but Bicky was there, hunched up in an armchair, brooding pretty intensely, with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth and a more or less glassy stare in his eyes. He had the aspect of one who had been soaked with what the police called some blunt instrument. This is a bit thick, old thing, what, I said. He picked up his glass and drained it feverishly, overlooking the fact that it hadn't anything in it. I'm done, Bertie, he said. He had another go at the glass. It didn't seem to do him any good. If only this had happened a week later, Bertie. My next month's money was due to roll in on Saturday. On Saturdays I've been reading about in the magazine advertisements. It seems that you can make a dash at amount of money if you can only collect a few dollars and start a chicken farm. Jolly sound scheme, Bertie. Say you buy a hen. Call it one hen for the sake of argument. It lays an egg every day of the week. You sell the eggs, seven for twenty-five cents. Keep of hen costs nothing. Or look at it another way. Suppose you have a dozen eggs. Each of the hens has a dozen chickens. The chickens grow up and have more chickens. Why, in no time, you'd have the place covered knee-deep in hens, all laying eggs at twenty-five cents for every seven. You'd make a fortune. Jolly life, too, keeping hens. He began to get quite worked up at the thought of it, but he slopped back in his chair at this juncture for a while. But, of course, it's no good, he said, because I haven't got the cash. You've only got to say the word, you know, biggy old top. Thanks awfully, Bertie, but I'm not going to sponge on you. That's always the way of this world. The chapies you'd like to lend money to won't let you, whereas the chapies you don't want to lend it to will do everything except pockets. As a lad who's always rolled tolerably free in the right stuff, I've had lots of experience of the second class. Many's the time, back in London, I've hurried along Piccadilly and felt the hot breath of a toucher on the back of my neck and heard his sharp, excited yapping as he closed in on me. I've simply spent my life scattering largesse to blighters I didn't care a hang for. Well, there's only one hope then. What's that? Jeeves? Sir? There was Jeeves standing behind me, full of zeal. In this matter of shimmering into rooms the chapie is rummy to a degree. You're sitting in the old arm chair, thinking of this and that, and then you're sitting in the old armchair, thinking of this and that, and then you're sitting thinking of this and that, and then suddenly you look up and there he is. He moves from point to point with as little uproar as a jellyfish. The thing startled poor old Bicky considerably. He rose from his seat like a rocketing pheasant. I'm used to Jeeves now, but often in the days when he first came into me I've bitten my tongue freely on finding him unexpectedly in my midst. Sir? Oh, there you are, Jeeves. Precisely, sir. Jeeves, Mr. Brickerstaff is still up the pole. Any ideas? Why, yes, sir. Since we had our recent conversation I fancy I have found what may prove a solution. I do not wish to appear to be taking in liberty, sir, but I think that we have overlooked his grace's potentialities as laughed, what I have sometimes seen described as a hollow mocking-laugh, a sort of bitter cackle from the back of the throat, rather like a gargle. I do not elude, sir, explains Jeeves to the possibility of inducing his grace to part with money. I am taking the liberty of regarding his grace in the light of an at-present, if I may say so, useless property which is capable of being developed. Bicky looked at me in a helpless kind of way. I am bound to say I didn't get it myself. Could you make it a bit easier, Jeeves? In a nutshell, sir, what I mean is this. His grace is, in a sense, a prominent personage. The inhabitants of this country, as no doubt you are aware, sir, are peculiarly addicted to shaking hands with prominent personages. Do you mean to me that Mr. Bickesteth or yourself might know of persons who would be willing to pay a small fee, but to say, two dollars or three, for the privilege of an introduction, including handshake to his grace? Bicky didn't seem to think much of it. Do you mean to say that anyone would be mug enough to part with solid cash just to shake hands with my uncle? I have an aunt, sir, who paid five shillings to a young fellow for bringing a moving picture actor to tea at her house one Sunday. It gave her social standing among the neighbors. Bicky wavered. If you think it could be done, I feel convinced of it, sir. What do you think, Bertie? I'm for it, old boy. Absolutely. A very brainy wheeze. Thank you, sir. Is there anything further? Good night, sir. And he floated out, leaving us to discuss the details. Until we started this business of floating old chiswick as a money-making proposition, I had never realized what a perfectly foul time those stock exchange chappies must have when the public isn't biting freely. Nowadays I read that bit they put in the financial reports about the market open quietly in the pathetic eye. For, by Jove, it certainly opened quietly for us. You'd hardly believe how difficult it was to interest the public and make them take a flutter on the old boy. By the end of the week, the only name we had on our list was a delicatessen storekeeper down in Bicky's part of the town, and, as he wanted us to take it out in sliced ham instead of cash, that didn't help much. There was a gleam of light that the pawnbroker offered ten dollars, money down, for an introduction to old chiswick, but the deal fell through, owing to its turning out that the chap was an anarchist and intended to kick the old boy instead of shaking hands with him. At that it took me the deuce of a time to persuade Bicky not to grab the cash and let things take their course. He seemed to regard the pawnbroker's brother rather as a sportsman The whole thing I'm inclined to think would have been off if it hadn't been for jeevs. There is no doubt that jeevs is in a class of his own. In the matter of brain and resource I don't think I have ever met a chap so supremely like mother made. He trickled into my room one morning with a good old cup of tea and intimated that there was something doing. Might I speak to you with regard to the matter of his grace, sir? It's all off. We've decided to chuck it. Sir? It won't work. We can't get anybody to come. I fancy I can arrange that aspect of the matter, sir. Do you mean to say you've managed to get anybody? Yes, sir. Eighty-seven gentlemen from Birdsburg, sir. I sat up in bed and spilt the tea. Birdsburg? Birdsburg, Missouri, sir. How did you get them? I happened last night, sir, as you had intimated that you would be absent from home to attend a theatrical performance and entered into conversation between the acts with the occupant of the adjoining seat. I had observed that he was wearing a somewhat ornate decoration in his buttonhole, sir, a large blue button with the words Boost for Birdsburg on it in red letters, scarcely a judicious addition to a gentleman's evening costume. To my surprise I noticed that the auditorium was full of persons similarly decorated. I ventured to inquire the explanation and was informed that these gentlemen, forming a party of eighty-seven, are a convention from a town of the name of Birdsburg. I ventured to inquire the explanation and was informed that these gentlemen, forming a party of eighty-seven, are a convention from a town of the name of Birdsburg in the state of Missouri. Their visit I gathered was purely of a social and pleasurable nature and my informant spoke at some length of the entertainments arranged for their stay in the city. It was when he related with a considerable amount of satisfaction and pride that a deputation of their number had been introduced to and had shaken hands with a well-known prize fighter that it occurred to me to broach his grace. To make a long story short, sir, I have arranged subject to your approval that the entire convention shall be presented to his grace tomorrow afternoon. I was amazed. This chap was a Napoleon. Eighty-seven jeeps at how much ahead? I was obliged to agree to a reduction for a quantity, sir. The terms finally arrived at were one hundred and fifty dollars for the party. I thought a bit. Payable in advance? No, sir. I endeavored to obtain payment in advance but was not successful. Well, anyway, when we get it I'll make it up to five hundred. Bicky you'll never know. Do you suspect Mr. Bickersteth would suspect anything jeeves if I made it up to five hundred? I fancy not, sir. Mr. Bickersteth is an agreeable gentleman but not bright. All right then, after breakfast run down to the bank and get me some money. Yes, sir. You know, you're a bit of a marvel, jeeves. Thank you, sir. Righto, very good, sir. When I took dear old Bicky aside in the course of the morning and told him what had happened he nearly broke down. He tottered into the sitting-room and button-hold old Chiswick who was reading the comic section of Grimm Resolution. Uncle, he said, are you doing anything special tomorrow afternoon? I mean to say I've asked a few of my pals in to meet you, don't you know? The old boy cocked a speculative eye at him. There will be no reporters among them. Reporters? Rather not. Why? I refuse to be badgered by reporters. There were a number of adhesive young men who said from me my views on America while the boat was approaching the dock I will not be subjected to this persecution again. That'll be absolutely all right, Uncle. There won't be a newspaper man in the place. In that case I shall be glad to make the acquaintance of your friends. You'll shake hands with them and so forth? I shall naturally order my behavior according to the accepted rules of civilized intercourse. Bicky thanked him heartily and came off to lunch with me at the club, where he babbled freely of hens, incubators and other rotten things. After mature consideration we had decided to unleash the Birdsburg contingent on the old boy ten at a time. Jeeves brought his theater pal round to see us and we arranged the whole thing with him. A very decent chappy but rather inclined to color the conversation and turn it into the direction of his hometown's new water supply system. We settled that as an hour was about all he would be likely to stand each gang should consider itself entitled to seven minutes of the Duke's Society by Jeeves' stopwatch and that when their time was up Jeeves would slide into the room and cough meaningfully. Then we parted with what I believe are called mutual expressions of goodwill. The Birdsburg chappy extending a cordial invitation to us all to pop out some day and take a look at the new water supply system for which we thanked him. Next day the reputation rolled in. The first shift consisted of the cove we had met and nine others almost exactly like him in every respect. They all looked duly keen and business-like as if from youth up they had been working in the office and catching the boss's eye and what not. They shook hands with the old boy with a good deal of apparent satisfaction all except one chappy who seemed to be brooding about something and then they stood off and became chatty. What message have you for Birdsburg, Duke? asked our pal. The old boy seemed a bit rattled. I have never been to Birdsburg. Chappy seemed pained. You should pay it a visit, he said. The most rapidly growing city in the country. Boost for Birdsburg. Boost for Birdsburg! said the other chappies reverently. The chappy who had been brooding suddenly gave tongue. Say! He was a stout sort of well-fed cove with one of those determined chins and a cold eye. The assemblage looked at him. As a matter of business, said the chappy, mind you, I'm not questioning anybody's good faith but as a matter of strict business I think this gentleman here ought to put himself on record before witnesses as stating that he really is a duke. What do you mean, sir? cried the old boy, getting purple. No offense, simply business. I'm not saying anything, mind you, but there's one thing that seems kind of funny to me. This gentleman here says his name's Mr. Bickersteth as I understand it. Well, if you're the duke of Chiswick, why isn't he Lord Percy something? I've read English novels and I know all about it. This is monstrous. Now don't get hot under the collar. I'm only asking. I have a right to know. You're going to take our money so it's only fair that we should see it. The water-supplied cove chipped in. You're quite right, Sims. I overlooked that when making the agreement. You see, gentlemen, as businessmen we have a right to reasonable guarantees of good faith. We're paying Mr. Bickersteth here $150 for this reception and we naturally want to know. Old Chiswick gave Bicky a searching look. Then he turned to the water-supplied chappy. He was frightfully calm. I can assure you that I know nothing of this, he said quite politely. I should be grateful if you would explain. Well, we arranged with Mr. Bickersteth that 87 citizens of Birdsburg should have the privilege of meeting and shaking hands with you for a financial consideration mutually arranged. And what my friend Sims here means, and I'm with him, is that we have only Mr. Bickersteth's word for it. And he is a stranger to us that he is not a chiswick at all. Old Chiswick gulped. Allow me to assure you, sir, you said in a rummy kind of voice that I am the Duke of Chiswick. The mat's all right, said the chappy hardly. That was all we wanted to know. Let the thing go on. I am sorry to say, said Old Chiswick, that it cannot go on. I am feeling a little tired. I fear I must ask to be excused. But there are 87 of the boys waiting around the corner at this moment, Duke, to be introduced to you. I fear I must disappoint them. But in that case, the deal would have to be off. That is a matter for you and my nephew to discuss. The chappy seemed troubled. You really won't meet the rest of them? No. Well then, I guess we'll be going. I was out, and there was a pretty solid silence. Then Old Chiswick turned to Bicky. Well... Bicky didn't seem to have anything to say. Was it true what that man said? Yes, Uncle. What do you mean by playing this trick? Bicky seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in a word. I think you better explain the whole thing, Bicky, old top. Bicky's Adam's apple jumped about a bit, then he started. You see, you had cut off my allowance, Uncle, and I wanted a bit of money to start a chicken farm. I mean to say it's an absolute cert if you once get a bit of capital. You buy a hen, and it lays an egg every day of the week, and you sell the eggs, say, seven for twenty-five cents. Keep of the hens cost nothing, profit practically. What is all this nonsense about hens? You led me to suppose you were a substantial business man. Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir, I said, helping the chappy out. The fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely dependent on that remittance of yours, and when you cut it off, don't you know, he was pretty solidly in the soup, and had to think of some way of closing in on a bit of the ready pretty quick. That's why we thought of this handshaking scheme. Old Chiswick foamed at the mouth. So you have lied to me. You have deliberately deceived me as to your financial status. Poor old Bicky didn't want to go to that ranch, I explained. He doesn't like cows and horses, but he rather thinks he would be hot stuff among the hens. All he wants is a bit of capital. Don't you think it would be rather a wheeze if you were to after what has happened? After this? This deceit and futtery? Not a penny! But not a penny! There was a respectful cough in the background. If I might make a suggestion, sir. Jeeves was standing on the horizon looking devilish-brainy. Go ahead, Jeeves, I said. I would merely suggest, sir, that if Mr. Bicker's death is in need of a little ready money and is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere, he might secure the sum he requires by describing the occurrences of this afternoon for the Sunday issue of one of the more spirited and enterprising newspapers. By Jove, I said. By George, said Bicky. Great heavens, said old Chiswick. Very good, sir, said Jeeves. Bicky turned to old Chiswick with a gleaming eye. Jeeves is right. I'll do it. The Chronicle would jump at it. Old Chiswick gave a kind of moaning howl. I absolutely forbid you, Francis, to do this thing. That's all very well, said Bicky, wonderfully braced, but if I can't get the money any other way, wait. Er, wait, my boy. You are so impetuous. We might arrange something. I won't go to that ballet ranch. No, no, no, no, my boy. I would suggest it. I would not for a moment suggest it. I, I think he seemed to have a bit of a struggle with himself. I, I think that on the whole, it would be best if you returned with me to England. I, I might. In fact, I think I see my way to doing to, I might be able to utilize your services in some secretarial position. I shouldn't mind that. I should not be able to offer you a salary, but as you know in English political life, the unpaid secretary is a recognized figure. The only figure I'll recognize, said Bicky firmly, is 500 quid a year, paid quarterly. My dear boy, absolutely. But your recompensed, my dear Francis, would consist in the unrivaled opportunities you would have, as my secretary to gain experience, to accustom yourself to the intricacies of political life, to, in fact, you would be in an exceedingly advantageous position. 500 a year, said Bicky, rolling it round his tongue. Why, that would be nothing to what I could make if I started a chicken farm. It stands to reason. Suppose you have a dozen hens. Each of the hens has a dozen chickens. After a bit the chickens grow up and have a couple chickens each themselves. And then they all start laying eggs. There's a fortune in it. You can get anything you like for eggs in America. Chappies keep them on ice for years and years and don't sell them till they fetch about a dollar a whirl. You'd think I'm going to chuck a future like this for anything under 500 goblins a year. What? A look of anguish passed over old Chiswick's face. Then he seemed to be resigned to it. Very well, my boy, he said. What, oh, said Bicky. All right, then. Jeeves, I said. Bicky had taken the old boy off to dinner to celebrate, and we were alone. Jeeves, this has been one of your best efforts. Thank you, sir. It beats me how you do it. Yes, sir. The only trouble is you haven't got much out of it, what? I fancy Mr. Bickersteth intends, I judge from his remarks, to signify his appreciation of anything I have been fortunate enough to do to assist him at some later date when he is in a more favorable position to do so. It isn't enough, Jeeves, sir. It was a wrench, but I felt it was the only possible thing to be done. Bring my shaving things. A gleam of hope shown in the chap's eyes, mixed with doubt. Mean, sir, and shave off my mustache. There was a moment's silence. I could see the fellow was deeply moved. Thank you very much indeed, sir, he said in a low voice and popped off. End of Jeeves and the hard-boiled egg. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse 4. Absent Treatment I want to tell you all about my dear old Bobby Cardew. It's a most interesting story. I can't put in any literary style and all that, but I don't have to, don't you know? Because it goes on its moral lesson. If you're a man, you mustn't miss it, because it'll be a warning to you. And if you're a woman, you won't want to, because it's all about how a girl made a man feel pretty well fed up with things. If you're a recent acquaintance of Bobby's, you'll probably be surprised to hear that there was a time when he was more remarkable for the weakness of his memory than anything else. Dozens of fellows who have only taken place have been surprised when I told them that. Yes, it's true. Believe me. In the days when I first knew him, Bobby Cardew was about the most pronounced young rotter inside the four-mile radius. People have called me a silly ass, but I was never in the same class with Bobby. When it came to being a silly ass, he was a plus four man, while my handicap was about six. Why, if I wanted him to dine with me, I used to post him a letter at the beginning of the week, and then the day before sent him a telegram and a phone call on the day itself, and half an hour before the time we'd fixed, a messenger in a taxi whose business it was to see that he got in and that the chauffeur had the address all correct. By doing this, I generally managed to get him, unless he had left town before my messenger arrived. The funny thing was that he wasn't altogether a fool in other ways. Deep down in him, there was a kind of stratum of sense. I had known him once or twice, show an almost human intelligence. But to reach that stratum, mind you, you needed dynamite. At least that's what I thought. But there was another way which hadn't occurred to me. Marriage, I mean. Marriage, the dynamite of the soul. That was what hit Bobby. He married. Have you ever seen a bull pup chasing a bee? The pup sees the bee, it looks good to him, but he still doesn't know what's at the end of it till he gets there. It was like that with Bobby. He fell in love, got married with a sort of whoop, as if it were the greatest fun in the world and then began to find out things. She wasn't the sort of girl you would have expected Bobby to rave about. And yet, I don't know. What I mean is, she worked for her living. And to a fellow who has never done a hands turn in his life, there's undoubtedly a sort of fascination, a kind of romance about a girl who works for her living. Her name was Anthony. Mary Anthony. She was about five feet six. She had a ton and a half of red gold hair, gray eyes and one of those determined chins. She was a hospital nurse. When Bobby smashed himself up at Polo she was told off by the authorities to smooth his brow and rally round with cooling engines and all like that. And the old boy hadn't been up and about again for more than a week before they'd popped off to the red stars and fixed it up. Quite the romance. Bobby broke the news to me at the club one evening and the next day he introduced me to her. I admired her. I've never worked myself. My name's Pepper, by the way. Almost forgot to mention it. Reggie Pepper. My uncle Edward was Pepper Wells & Company, the colliery people. He left me a sizable chunk of bullion. I say I've never worked myself but I admire anyone who earns a living under difficulties, especially a girl. And this girl had a rather unusual time of it, being an orphan and all that and having had to do everything off her own bat for years. Mary and I got along splendidly. We don't now, but we'll come to that later. I'm speaking of the past. She seemed to think Bobby the greatest thing on earth, judging by the way she had looked at him when she thought I wasn't noticing and Bobby seemed to think the same about her. So that I came to the conclusion that if only dear old Bobby didn't forget to go to the wedding they had a sporting chance of being quite happy. Well, let's brisk it up a bit here and jump a year. The story doesn't really start till then. They took a flat and settled down. I was in and out of the place quite a good deal. I kept my eyes open and everything seemed to me to be running along as smoothly as you could want. If this was marriage I thought I couldn't see why fellows were so frightened of it. There were a lot worse things that could happen to a man. But we now come to the incident of the quiet dinner and it's just here that Love's young dream hits a snag and things begin to occur. I happened to meet Bobby in Piccadilly and he asked me to come back to dinner at the flat and like a fool instead of bolting and putting myself under police protection I went. When we got to the flat Mrs. Bobby looking well I tell you it staggered me. Her gold hair was all piled up in waves and crinkles and things with a what you call it of diamonds in it and she was wearing the most perfectly ripping dress. I couldn't begin to describe it. I can only say it was the limit. It struck me that if this was how she was in the habit of looking every night when they were dining quietly at home together it was no wonder that Bobby liked domesticity. Here's old Reggie dear said Bobby I brought him home to have a bit of dinner I'll phone down to the kitchen and ask them to send it up now, what? She stared at him as if she had never seen him before then she turned scarlet then she turned white as a sheet then she gave a little laugh it was most interesting to watch made me wish I was up a tree a hundred miles away then she recovered herself I'm so glad you were able to come Mr. Pepper, she said smiling at me and after that she was all right at least you would have said so she talked a lot at dinner and chafed Bobby and played us ragtime on the piano afterwards as if she hadn't a care in the world quite a jolly little party it was not. She played sleuth and all that sort of thing but I had seen her face at the beginning and I knew that she was working the whole time and working hard to keep herself in hand and that she would have given that diamond what it's name in her hair and everything else she possessed to have one good scream just one I've sat through some pretty thick evenings in my time but that one had the rest beaten in a canter grabbed my hat and got away having seen what I did I wasn't particularly surprised to meet Bobby at the club next day looking about as merry and bright as a lonely gumdrop at an Eskimo Tea Party we started in straight away he seemed glad to have someone to talk about it do you know how long I've been married he said I didn't exactly about a year isn't it not about a year he said sadly exactly a year yesterday then I understood I saw a light a regular flash of light yesterday was the anniversary of the wedding I'd arranged to take Mary to the Savoy and on to Covent Garden she particularly wanted to hear Caruso I had the ticket for the box in my pocket do you know all through dinner I had a kind of rummy idea that there was something I'd forgotten but I couldn't think what till your wife mentioned it he nodded she mentioned it he said thoughtfully I didn't ask for details women with hair and chins like Mary's maybe angels most of the time but when they take off their wings for a bit they aren't half-hearted about it to be absolutely frank old top said poor old Bobby in a broken sort of way my stock's pretty low at home there didn't seem much to be done I just lit a cigarette and sat there he didn't want to talk presently he went out I stood at the window of our upper smoking room which looks out on to Piccadilly and watched him wait for a few yards stopped then walked on again and finally turned into a jeweler's which is an instant of what I mean when I say that deep down in him there was a certain stratum of sense it was from now on that I began to be really interested in this problem of Bobby's married life of course one's always mildly interested in one's friend's marriages hoping they'll turn out well and all that but they weren't the average man isn't like Bobby and the average girl isn't like Mary it was like that old business of the immovable mass and the irresistible force there was Bobby ambling gently through life a dear old chap in a hundred ways but undoubtedly a chump of the first water and there was Mary determined that he shouldn't be a chump and nature, mind you on Bobby's side when nature makes a chump like dear old Bobby she's proud of him and doesn't want her handiwork disturbed she gives him a sort of natural armor to protect him against outside interference and that armor is shortness of memory shortness of memory keeps a man a chump when, but for it, he might cease to be one take my case for instance I'm a chump one of the things people have tried to teach me during my life my size in hats would be about number nine but I didn't I forgot them and it was just the same with Bobby for about a week perhaps a bit more the recollection of that quiet little domestic evening bucked him up like a tonic elephants, I read somewhere are champions at the memory business but they were fools to Bobby during that week but, bless you the shock wasn't nearly big enough it had dented the armor but it hadn't made a hole in it pretty soon he was back at the old game it was pathetic, don't you know the poor girl loved him and she was frightened it was the thin edge of the wedge, you see and she knew it a man who forgets what day he was married, when he's been married one year, will forget at about the end of the fourth that he's married at all if she meant to get him in hand at all she had got to do it now before he began to drift away I saw that clearly enough and I tried to make Bobby see it when he was by way of pouring out his troubles to me one afternoon I can't remember what it was that he had forgotten the day before but it was something she had asked him to bring home for her it may have been a book it's such a little thing to fuss about, said Bobby and she knows it simply because I've got such an infernal memory about everything, I can't remember anything, never could he talked on for a while and just as he was going he pulled out a couple of sovereigns oh, by the way, he said what's this for, I asked though I knew I owe it to you how's that, I said why, that bed on Tuesday Murray and Brown were playing a hundred up and I gave you two to one that Brown would win and Murray beat him by twenty odd so you do remember some things, I said he got quite excited said that if I thought he was the sort of rotter who forgot to pay when he lost a bet it was pretty rotten of me after knowing him all these years and a lot more like that subside, laddie, I said then I spoke to him like a father what you've got to do my old college chum, I said is to pull yourself together and jolly quick too as things are shaping you're due for a nasty knock before you know what's hit you you've got to make an effort don't say you can't this two-quid business shows that even if your memory is rocky you can remember some things what you've got to do is to see that wedding anniversaries are included on the list it may be a brain strain but you can't get out of it I suppose you're right, said Bobby but it beats me why she thinks such a lot of these rotten little dates what's it matter if I forgot what day we were married on or what day she was born on or what day the cat had the measles she knows I love her just as much as if I were a memorizing freak at the halls that's not enough for a woman I said they want to be shown bear that in mind and you'll be all right forget it and there'll be trouble he chewed the knob of his stick women are frightfully rummy he said gloomily you should have thought of that before you married one, I said I don't see that I could have done anymore I'd put the whole thing in a nutshell for him you would have thought he would have seen the point and that it would have made him brace up and get a hold of himself but no off he went again in the same old way I gave up arguing with him I had a good deal of time on my hands but not enough to amount to anything when it was a question of reforming dear old Bobby by argument if you see a man asking for trouble and insisting on getting it the only thing to do is to stand by and wait till it comes to him after that you may get a chance but till then there's nothing to be done but I thought a lot about him Bobby didn't get into the soup all at once weeks went by and months and still nothing happened now and then he'd come into the club with a kind of cloud on his shiny morning face and I'd known that there had been doings in the home but it wasn't till well on in the spring that he got the thunderbolt just where he'd been asking for it in the thorax I was smoking a quiet cigarette one morning on the window looking out over Piccadilly and watching the buses and motors going up one way and down the other most interesting it is I often do it when in rushed Bobby with his eyes bulging and his face the color of an oyster waving a piece of paper in his hand Reggie he said the old top she's gone gone I said who Mary of course gone left me gone where I said silly question perhaps you're right anyhow dear old Bobby nearly foamed at the mouth where how should I know where here read this he pushed the paper into my hand it was a letter go on said Bobby read it so I did it certainly was quite a letter there was not much of it but it was all to the point this is what it said my dear Bobby I am going away when you care enough about me to remember to wish me many happy returns on my birthday I will come back my address will be box 341 London morning news I read it twice then I said why don't you why don't I what why don't you wish her many happy returns it doesn't seem much to ask but she says on her birthday well when is her birthday can't you understand said Bobby I've forgotten forgotten I said yes said Bobby forgotten what do you mean forgotten I said forgotten whether it's the 21st or what how near do you get to it I know it came somewhere between the 1st of January and the 31st of December that's how near I get to it think think what's the use of saying think think I haven't thought I've been knocking sparks out of my brain ever since I opened that letter and you can't remember no well Bobby I said it's a pretty hard case to spring on an untrained amateur like me suppose someone had come to Sherlock Ohms and said Mr. Holmes here's a case for you when is my wife's birthday wouldn't that have given Sherlock a jolt however I know enough about the game to understand that a fellow can't shoot off his deductive theories unless you start him with a clue rouse yourself out of that Popeye trance and come across with two or three for instance can't you remember the last time she had a birthday what sort of weather was it that might fix the month Bobby shook his head it was just ordinary weather as near as I can recollect warm warmish or cold well fairly cold I perhaps I can't remember I ordered two more of the same they seemed indicated in the young detective's manual you're a great help Bobby I said an invaluable assistant one of those indispensable adjuncts without which no home is complete Bobby seemed to be thinking I've got it he said suddenly look here I gave her a present on her last birthday all we have to do is go to the shop find up the date when it was bought and the things done absolutely what did you give her he sagged I can't remember he said getting ideas is like golf some days you're right off others it's as easy as falling off a log I don't suppose dear old Bobby had ever had two ideas in the same morning before in his life but now he did it without an effort he just loosed another dry martini into the undergrowth and before you could turn around it had fleshed quite a brain wave do you know those little books called when you were born there's one for each month they tell you your character your talents your strong points and your weak points at four pence half penny a go Bobby's idea was to buy the whole 12 and go through them till we found out which month hit off Mary's character that would give us the month and there were down a whole lot a pretty hot idea for a non-thinker like dear old Bobby we salad out at once he took half and I took half and we settled down to work as I say it sounded good but when we came into the thing we saw that there was a flaw there was plenty of information all right but there wasn't a single month that didn't have something that exactly hit off Mary for instance in the December book it said December people are apt to keep their own secrets they are extensive travelers well Mary had certainly kept her secret and she had traveled quite extensively enough for Bobby's needs then October people were born with original ideas and loved moving you couldn't have summed up Mary's little jaunt more neatly February people had wonderful memories Mary's speciality we took a bit of a rest then had another go at the thing Bobby was all for May because the book said that women born in that month were inclined to be capricious which is always a barrier to a happy married life but I plumped for February because February women are unusually determined to have their own way are very earnest and expect a full return in their companion or mates which he owned was about as like Mary as anything could be in the end he tore the books up stamped on them, burnt them and went home it was wonderful what a change the next few days made in dear old Bobby have you ever seen that picture the soul's awakening it represents a flapper of sorts gazing in a startled sort of way into the middle distance with a look in her eyes that seems to say surely that is George's step I hear on the mat can this be love well Bobby had a soul's awakening too I don't suppose he had ever trouble to think in his life before, not really think but now he was wearing his brain to the bone it was painful in a way of course to see a fellow human being so thoroughly in the soup and I felt strongly that it was all for the best I could see as plainly as possible that all these brainstorms were improving Bobby out of knowledge when it was all over he might possibly become a rotter again of a sort but it would only be a pale reflection of the rotter he had been it bore out the idea I had always had that what he needed was a really good jolt I saw a great deal of him these days I was his best friend and he came to me for sympathy for him too with both hands but I never failed to hand him the moral lesson when I had him weak one day he came to me as I was sitting in the club and I could see that he had had an idea he looked happier than he'd done in weeks Reggie he said I'm on the trail this time I'm convinced that I shall pull it off I've remembered something of vital importance yes I said I remember distinctly he said that on Mary's last birthday we went together to the Coliseum how does that hit you it's a fine bit of memorizing I said but how does it help why they change the program every week there I said now you're talking and the week we went one of the turns was Professor someone's Terpsichorean cats I recollect them distinctly now are we narrowing it down or aren't we Reggie I'm going round to the Coliseum this minute and I'm going to dig the date of those Terpsichorean cats out of them if I have to use a crowbar so that got him within six days for the management treated us like brothers brought out the archives and ran agile fingers over the pages till they treat the cats in the middle of May I told you it was May said Bobby maybe you'll listen to me another time if you've any sense I said there won't be another time and Bobby said that there wouldn't once you get your money on the run it parts as if it enjoyed doing it I had just got off to sleep that night when my telephone bell rang it was Bobby of course he didn't apologize Reggie he said I've got it now for certain it's just come to me we saw those Terpsichorean cats in a old man yes I said well don't you see that that brings it down to two days it must have been either Wednesday the 7th or Saturday the 10th yes I said if they didn't have Daddy Matinees at the Coliseum I heard him give a sort of howl Bobby I said my feet were freezing but I was fond of him well I've remembered something too it's this when you went to the Coliseum I'd lunched with you both at the Ritz you had forgotten to bring any money with you so you wrote a check but I'm always writing checks you are but this was for a tenner and made out to the hotel hunt up your checkbook and see how many checks for ten pounds payable to the Ritz hotel you wrote out between May the 5th and May the 10th he gave a kind of gulp Reggie he said I've always said so I believe you've got it hold the line presently he came back again hello he said I'm here I said it was the 8th Reggie old man I topping I said good night it was working along into the small hours now but I thought I might as well make a night of it and finish the thing up so I rang up and hotel near the Strand put me through to Mrs. Cardew I said it's late said the man at the other end and getting later every minute I said buck along laddie I waited patiently I had missed my beauty sleep and my feet had frozen hard but I was past regrets what is the matter said Mary's voice my feet are cold I said but I didn't call you up to tell you that particularly I've just been chatting with Bobby Mrs. Cardew oh is that Mr. Pepper yes he's remembered it Mrs. Cardew she gave a sort of scream I've often thought how interesting it must be to be one of those exchange girls the things they must hear don't you know Bobby's howl and gulp and Mrs. Bobby's scream and all about my feet and all that most interesting it must be he's remembered it she gasped did you tell him no well I hadn't Mr. Pepper yes has he been was he very worried I chuckled this was where I was billed to be the life and soul of the party worried he was about the most worried man between here and Edinburgh he has been worrying as if he was paid to do it by the nation he has started out to worry after breakfast and oh well you can never tell with women my idea was that we should pass the rest of the night slapping each other on the back across the wire and telling each other what ballet brainy conspirators we were don't you know and all that but I got just as far as this when she bit at me absolutely I heard the snap and then she said oh in that choked kind of way and when a woman says oh like that it means all the bad words she loved to say if she only knew them and then she began what brutes men are what horrible brutes how could you stand by and see poor dear Bobby worrying himself into a fever when a word from you would have put everything right I can't but and you call yourself his friend his friend metallic laugh most unpleasant it shows how one can be deceived I used to think you a kind hearted man but I say when I suggested the thing you thought perfectly I thought it hateful abominable but you said it was absolutely top I said nothing of the kind and if I did I didn't mean it I don't wish to be unjust Mr. Pepper but I must say that to me there seems to be something positively fiendish in a man who could go out of his way to separate a husband from his wife simply in order to amuse himself by gloating over his agony but when one single word would have but you made me promise not to I bleed it and if I did do you suppose I didn't expect you to have the sense to break your promise I had finished I had no further observations to make I hung up the receiver and crawled into bed I still see Bobby when he comes to the club but I do not visit the old homestead he is friendly but he stops in front of issuing invitations I ran across Mary at the Academy last week and her eyes went through me like a couple of bullets through a pad of butter and as they came out the other side and I limped off to piece myself together again there occurred to me the simple epitaph which when I am no more I intend to have inscribed on my tombstone it was this he was a man who acted from the best motives there is one born every minute End of Absent Treatment This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org My Manjeeves by PG Wodehouse 5. Helping Freddy I don't want to bore you don't you know and all that sort of rot but I must tell you about dear old Freddy Meadows I'm not a flyer at literary style and all that but I'll get some writer-chappy to give the thing a wash and a brush up when I finished and that'll be all right Dear old Freddy don't you know has been a dear old pal of mine for years and years so when I went into the club one morning and found him sitting alone in a dark corner staring glassily at nothing and generally looking like the last rows of summer you can understand I was quite disturbed about it as a rule the old rotter is the life and soul of our set quite the little lump of fun and all that sort of thing Jimmy Pinkerton was with me at the time Jimmy's a fellow who writes plays a deucid brainy sort of fellow and between us we set to work to question the poor Popeye Chappy so we finally got it what the matter was as we might have guessed it was a girl he had had a quarrel with Angela West the girl he was engaged to and she had broken off the engagement what the row had been about he didn't say but apparently she was pretty well fed up she wouldn't let him come near her refuse to talk on the phone and set back his letters unopened I was sorry for poor old Freddie I knew what it felt like I was once in love myself with a girl called Elizabeth Shoolbred and the fact that she couldn't stand me at any price will be recorded in my autobiography I knew the thing for Freddie change of scene is what you want old scout I said come with me to Marvis Bay I've taken a cottage there Jimmy's coming down on the 24th we'll be a cozy party he's absolutely right said Jimmy change of scenes the thing I knew a man girl refused him man went abroad two months later girl wired him come back Muriel man started to write out a reply suddenly found that he couldn't remember the girl's surname so never answered at all but Freddie wouldn't be comforted he just went on looking as if he had killed his last six pence however I got him to promise to come to Marvis Bay with me he said he might as well be there as anywhere do you know Marvis Bay it's in Dorseture it isn't what you'd call a fiercely exciting spot but it has its good points you spend the day there bathing and sitting on the sands and in the evening you stroll out on the shore with the gnats at nine o'clock you rub ointment on the wounds dead it seemed to suit poor old Freddie once the moon was up and the breeze sighing in the trees you couldn't drag him from that beach with a rope he became quite a popular pet with the gnats they'd hang round waiting for him to come out and would give perfectly good strollers the missin-bock just so as to be in good condition for him yes it was a peaceful sort of life but by the end of the first week I began to wish that Jimmy Pickerton had arranged to come down earlier for as a companion Freddie poor old chap wasn't anything to write home to mother about when he wasn't chewing a pipe and scouting at the carpet he was sitting at the piano playing the rosary with one finger he couldn't play anything except the rosary and he couldn't play much of that somewhere around the third bar a fuse would blow out and he'd have to start all over again he was playing it as usual one morning when I came in from bathing Reggie he said in a hollow voice looking up I've seen her seen her I said what Miss West I was down at the post office getting the letters and we met in the doorway she cut me he started playing the rosary again and side slipped in the second bar Reggie he said you ought never to have brought me here I must go away go away I said don't talk such rot this is the best thing that could have happened this is where you come out strong she cut me never mind be a sportsman have another dash at her she looked clean through me of course she did but don't mind that put this in my hands I'll see you through now what you want I said is to place her under some obligation no what you want is to get her timidly thinking you what you want but what's she going to thank me timidly for I thought for a moment look out for a chance and save her from drowning I said I can't swim said Freddie that was Freddie all over don't you know a dear old chap in a thousand ways but no help to a fellow if you know what I mean he cranked up the piano once more and I sprinted for the open I strolled out on to the sands and began to think this thing over there was no doubt that the brain work had to be done by me dear old Freddie had his strong qualities he was top hole at polo and in happier days I've heard him give an imitation of cats fighting in a backyard that would have surprised you but apart from that he wasn't a man of enterprise well don't you know I was rounding some rocks with my brain worrying like a dynamo when I caught sight of a blue dress and by Jove it was the girl I had never met her but Freddie had sixteen photographs of her sprinkled around his bedroom and I knew I couldn't be mistaken she was sitting on the sand helping a small fat child build a castle on a chair close by was an elderly lady reading a novel I heard the girl call her aunt so doing the Sherlock Holmes business I deduced that the fat child was her cousin it struck me that if Freddie had been there he would probably have tried to work up some sentiment about the kid on the strength of it personally I couldn't manage it I don't think I ever saw a child who made me feel less sentimental he was one of those round bulging kids after he had finished the castle he seemed to get bored with life and began to whimper he came off to where a fellow was selling sweets at a stall and I walked on now fellows if you ask them will tell you that I'm a chump well I don't mind I admit it I am a chump all the peppers have been chumps but what I do say is that every now and then when you least expect it I get a pretty hot brainwave and that's what happened now I doubt if the idea that had come to me then would have occurred to a single one of any dozen of the brainiest chapies you care to name it came to me on my return journey I was walking back along the shore when I saw the fat kid meditatively smacking a jellyfish with a spade the girl wasn't with him in fact there didn't seem to be anyone in sight I was just going to pass on when I got the brainwave I thought the whole thing out in a flash don't you know from what I had seen of the two the girl was evidently fond of this kid and anyhow he was her cousin so what I said to myself was this if I kidnap this young heavyweight for the moment and if when the girl has got frightfully anxious about where he can have got to dear old freddy suddenly appears leading the infant by the hand and telling a story to the effect that he has found him wandering at large in the country and practically saved his life why the girl's gratitude is bound to make her chuck hostilities and be friends again so I gathered in the kid and made off with him all the way home I pictured that scene of reconciliation I could see it so vividly don't you know that by George it gave me quite a chokey feeling in my throat freddy, dear old chap, was rather slow at getting on to the fine points of the idea when I appeared carrying the kid and dumped him down in our sitting room he didn't absolutely avarice with joy if you know what I mean the kid had started to bellow by this time and poor old freddy seemed to find it rather trying stop it he said do you think nobody's got any troubles except you? what the deuce is all this Reggie? the kid came back at him with a yell that made the window rattle raced to the kitchen and fetched a jar of honey it was the right stuff the kid stopped bellowing and began to smear his face with the stuff well said freddy when silence had set in I explained the idea after a while it began to strike him you are not such a fool as you look sometimes Reggie you said handsomely I'm bound to say this seems pretty good then he disentangled the kid from the honey jar and took him out to scour the beach for Angela I don't know when I felt so happy I was so fond of dear old freddy that to know that he was soon going to be his old bright self again made me feel as if somebody had left me about a million pounds I was leaning back in a chair on the veranda smoking peacefully when down the road I saw the old boy returning and by George the kid was still with him and freddy looked as if he hadn't a friend of the world hello I said couldn't you find her yes I found her he replied with one of those bitter hollow laughs well then freddy sank into a chair and groaned this isn't her cousin you idiot he said he's no relation at all he's just a kid she happened to meet on the beach she had never seen him before in her life what who is he then I don't know oh lord I've had a time thank goodness you'll probably spend the next few years of your life at Dartmoor for kidnapping that's my only consolation I'll come and jeer at you through the bars tell me all old boy I said it took him a good long time to tell the story for he broke off in the middle of nearly every sentence to call me names but I gathered gradually what had happened she had listened like an iceberg while he told the story he had prepared and then well, she didn't actually call him a liar but she gave him to understand in a general sort of way that if he and Dr. Cook ever happened to meet and started swapping stories it would be about the biggest duel on record and then he had crawled away with a kid licked to a splinter and mind this is your affair he concluded I'm not mixed up in it at all if you want to escape your sentence you better go and find the kid's parents and return him before the police come for you by Jove you know till I started to tramp the place with this infernal kid I never had a notion it would have been so deucid difficult to restore a child to its anxious parents it's a mystery to me how kidnappers ever get caught I searched Marvis Bay like a bloodhound but nobody came forward to claim the infant you'd have thought, from the lack of interest in him that he was stopping there all by himself in a cottage of his own it was until, by an inspiration I thought to ask the sweet stall man that I had found out his name was Medwin and that his parents lived at a place called Ocean Rest in Beach Road I shot off there like an arrow and knocked at the door nobody answered I knocked again but nobody came I was just going to get to work on that knocker in such a way that the idea would filter through into these people's heads that I wasn't standing there just for the fun of the thing when a voice from somewhere above shouted hi I looked up and saw a round pink face with gray whiskers east and west of it staring down from an upper window hi, it shouted again what the deuce do you mean by hi, I said you can't come in, said the face hello, is that Toodles my name is not Toodles and I don't want to come in, I said are you Mr. Medwin I've brought back your son I see him people, Toodles data can see you the voice disappeared with a jerk I could hear voices the face reappeared hi I churned the gravel madly do you live here, said the face I'm staying here for a few weeks what's your name Pepper but Pepper any relation to Edward Pepper the colliery owner my uncle but I used to know him well dear old Edward Pepper I wish I was with him now I wish you were, I said he beamed down at me this is most fortunate, he said we were wondering what we were to do with Toodles you see, we have the mumps here my daughter, Boodles, has just developed mumps Toodles must not be exposed to the risk of infection we could not think what we were to do with him it was most fortunate you are finding him he strayed from his nurse I would hesitate to trust him to the care of a stranger but you are different the view of Edward Pepper's has my implicit confidence you must take Toodles to your house it will be an ideal arrangement I have written to my brother in London to come and fetch him he may be here in a few days may he is a busy man, of course but he should certainly be here within a week till then Toodles can stop with you it's an excellent plan very obliged to you Toodles I haven't got a wife, I yelled but the window had closed with a bang as if the man with the whiskers had found a germ trying to escape, don't you know and had headed it off just in time I breathed a deep breath and wiped my forehead the window flew up again hi a package weighing about a ton hit me on the head and burst like a bomb did you catch it, said the face reappearing dear me, you missed it never mind, you can get it at the grocers ask for Bailey's granulated breakfast chips Toodles loves them for breakfast with a little milk be certain to get Bailey's my spirit was broken if you know what I mean I accepted the situation taking Toodles by the hand I walked slowly away Napoleon's retreat from Moscow was a picnic by the side of it as we turned up the road we met Freddy's Angela the sight of her had a market effect on the kid Toodles he pointed at her and said waa the girl stopped and smiled I loosed the kid and he ran to her well baby she said bending down to him so father found you again, did he your little son and I made friends on the beach this morning she said to me this was the limit coming on top of that interview with the whiskered lunatic it so utterly unnerved me that she had nodded goodbye and was half way down the road before I caught up with my breath enough to deny the charge of being the infant's father I hadn't expected dear old Freddy to sing with joy when he found out what had happened but I did think he might have shown a little more manly fortitude he leaped up glared at the kid and clutched his head he didn't speak for a long time but on the other hand when he began he did not leave off for a long time he was quite emotional dear old boy it beat me where he could have picked up such expressions well he said when he had finished say something heavens man why don't you say something you don't give me a chance old top I said soothingly what are you going to do about it what can we do about it we can't spend our time acting as nurses to this this exhibit he got up I'm going back to London he said Freddy I cried Freddy old man my voice shook would you desert a pal at a time like this I would this is your business and you've got to manage it Freddy I said you've got to stand by me you must do you realize that this child has to be undressed and bathed again you wouldn't leave me to do all that single-handed Freddy old scout we were at school together your mother likes me you owe me a tenner he sat down again oh well he said resignedly besides old top I said I did it all for your sake don't you know he looked at me in a curious way Reggie he said in a strained voice one moment I'll stand a good deal but I won't stand for being expected to be grateful looking back at it I see that what saved me from Colney hatch in that crisis was my bright idea of buying most of the contents of the local sweet shop by serving out sweets to the kid practically incessantly we managed to get through the rest of that day pretty satisfactorily at eight o'clock he fell asleep in a chair and having undressed by unbuttoning every button in sight and where there were no buttons pulling till something gave we carried him up to bed Freddy stood looking at the pile of clothes on the floor and I knew what he was thinking to get the kid undressed had been simple a mere matter of muscle but how were we going to get him into his clothes again I stirred the pile with my foot there was a long linen arrangement which might have been anything like a strip of pink flannel which was like nothing on earth we looked at each other and smiled wandily but in the morning I remembered that there were children at the next bungalow but one we went there before breakfast and borrowed their nurse women are wonderful by George they are she had that kid dressed and looking fit for anything in about eight minutes I showered wealth on her and she promised to come in morning and evening I sat down to breakfast almost cheerful again it was the first bit of silver lining there had been to the cloud up to date and after all I said there's lots to be said for having a child about the house if you know what I mean kind of cozy and domestic what? just then the kid upset the milk over Freddy's trousers and when he had come back after changing his clothes he began to talk about what a much maligned man king was the more he saw of toodles he said the less he wondered at those impulsive views of his on infanticide two days later Jimmy Pinkerton came down Jimmy took one look at the kid who happened to be howling at the moment and picked up his portmanteau for me he said the hotel I can't write dialogue with that sort of thing going on whose work is this? which of you adopted this little treasure? I told him about Mr. Medwind and the mumps Jimmy seemed interested I might work this up for the stage he said it would make a bad situation for an act two of a farce farce snarled poor old Freddy rather curtain of act one on hero a well-meaning half-baked sort of idiot just like that is to say a well-meaning half-baked sort of idiot kidnapping the child second act his adventures with it I'll rough it out tonight come along and show me to the hotel Reggie as we went I told him the rest of the story the Angela part he laid down his portmanteau and looked at me like an owl through his glasses what he said why hang it this is a play ready made it's the old tiny hand business always safe stuff parted lovers lisping child affiliation over the little cradle it's big child center girl left center Freddy upstage by the piano can Freddy play the piano he can play a little of the rosary with one finger Jimmy shook his head no we shall have to cut out the soft music but the rest's all right look here he squatted in the sand this stone is the girl this bit of seaweeds the child this nutshell is Freddy dialogue leading up to child's line child speaks like book for lady business of outstretched hands hold picture for a moment Freddy crosses left takes girls hand business of swallowing lump in throat then big speech ah Marie or whatever her name is Jane Agnes Angela very well Angela has not this gone on too long a little child rebukes us Angela and so on Freddy must work up his own part I'm just giving you the general outline we must get a good line for the child boo for lady does all of da da isn't definite enough we want something more ah kiss Freddy that's it short crisp and has the punch but Jimmy old top I said the only objection is don't you know that there's no way of getting the girl to the cottage she cuts Freddy she wouldn't come within a mile of him Jimmy frowned that's awkward he said well we shall have to make it an exterior set instead of an interior we can easily corner her on the beach somewhere when we're ready meanwhile we must get the kid letter perfect first rehearsal for lines and business 11 sharp tomorrow poor old Freddy was in such a gloomy state of mind that we decided not to tell him the idea till we had finished coaching the kid he wasn't in the mood to have a thing like that hanging over him so we concentrated on toodles and pretty early in the proceedings we saw that the only way to get toodles worked up to the spirit of the thing was to introduce sweets of some sort as sub motive so to speak the chief difficulty said Jimmy Pickerton at the end of the first rehearsal is to establish a connection in the kid's mind between his line and the sweets once he has grasped the basic fact that those two words clearly spoken result automatically in acid drops we have got a success I've often thought don't you know how interesting it must be to be one of those animal trainer Johnny's to stimulate the dawning intelligence and that sort of thing well this was every bit as exciting some day the success seemed to be staring us in the eye and the kid got the line out as if he'd been an old professional and then he'd go all the pieces again and time was flying we must hurry up Jimmy I said the kid's uncle may arrive any day now and take him away and we haven't an understudy said Jimmy there's something in that we must work my goodness that kid's a bad study I have known deaf mutes who have learned the part quicker I will say this for the kid though he was a trier failure didn't discourage him whenever there was any kind of sweet near he had a dash at his line and kept on saying something till he got what he was after his only fault was his uncertainty personally I would have been prepared to risk it and start the performance at the first opportunity but Jimmy said no we're not nearly ready said Jimmy for instance he said kick Freddie that's not going to win any girls heart and she might do it too no we must postpone production a while yet but by George we didn't the curtain went up that very next afternoon it was nobody's fault certainly not mine it was just fate Freddie had settled down at the piano and I was leading the kid out of the house to exercise it when just as we got out to the veranda along came the girl Angela on her way to the beach the kid set up his usual yell at the side of her and she stopped at the foot of the steps hello baby she said good morning she said to me may I come up she didn't wait for an answer she just came she seemed to be that sort of girl she came up on the veranda and started fussing over the kid and I say mind you Freddie smiting the piano in the sitting room it was a dash disturbing situation don't you know at any minute Freddie might take it into his head to come out onto the veranda and we hadn't even begun to rehearse him in his part I try to break up the scene we were just going down to the beach I said yes said the girl she listened for a moment so you're having your piano tuned she said her aunt has been trying to find a tuner for hours do you mind if I go in and tell this man to come on to us when he's finished here er not yet I said not yet if you don't mind he can't bear to be disturbed when he's working it's the artistic temperament I'll tell him later very well she said getting up to go ask him to come to Pine Bungalow West is the surname oh he seems to have stopped I suppose he'll be out in a minute now I'll wait don't you think shouldn't we be going to the beach I said she had started talking to the kid and didn't hear she was feeling in her pocket for something the beach I babbled see what I brought for you baby she said and by George don't you know she held up in front of the kid's bulging eyes a chunk of toffee the size of the automobile club that finished it we had just been having a long rehearsal and the kid was all worked up in his part he got it right the first time kiss Fwedi he shouted and the front door opened and Freddy came out onto the veranda for all the world as if he had been taking a cue he looked at the girl and the girl looked at him I looked at the ground and the kid looked at the toffee kiss Fwedi he yelled kiss Fwedi Fwedi the girl was still holding up the toffee and the kid did what Jimmy Pinkerton would have called business of outstretched hands towards it kiss Fwedi he shrieked what does this mean said the girl turning to me you'd better give it to him don't you know I said he'll go on till you do she gave the kid his toffee and he subsided poor old Freddy still stood there worried what does it mean said the girl again her face was pink and her eyes were sparkling in that sort of way don't you know that makes a fellow feel as if he hadn't any bones in him if you know what I mean did you ever tread on your partner's dress at a dance and tear it and see her smile at you like an angel and say please don't apologize it's nothing and feel as if you had stepped on the teeth of a rake and had the handle jump up and hit you in the face well that's how Freddy's Angela looked well she said and her teeth gave a little click I gulped then I said it was nothing then I said it was nothing much then I said oh well it was this way and after a few brief remarks about Jimmy Pinkerton I told her all about it and all the while we at Freddy stood there gaping without a word and the girl didn't speak either she just stood listening and then she began to laugh I never heard a girl laugh so much she leaned against the side of the veranda and shrieked and all the while Freddy the world's champion chomp stood there saying nothing well I sidled towards the steps I had said all I had to say and it seemed to me that about here the stage direction exit was written in my part I gave poor old Freddy up in despair if only he had said a word it might have been all right but there he stood speechless what can a fellow do with a fellow like that just out of sight of the house I met Jimmy Pinkerton hello Reggie he said I was just coming to you as a kid we must have a big rehearsal today no good I said sadly it's all over the things finished poor dear old Freddy has made a nest of himself and killed the whole show tell me said Jimmy I told him fluffed his lines did he said Jimmy nodding thoughtfully it's always the way with these amateurs we must go back at once things look bad maybe too late he said as we started even now a few well chosen words from a man of the world and great Scott I cried look in front of the cottage stood six children a nurse and the fellow from the grocers staring from the windows of the house's opposite projected about 400 heads of bull sexes staring down the road came galloping five more children a dog three men and a boy about to stare and on our porch as unconscious of the spectators as if they had been alone in the Sahara stood Freddy and Angela clasped in each other's arms dear old Freddy may have been fluffy in his lines but by George his business had certainly gone with a bang end of helping Freddy this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox dot org my man jeeps by PG Wodehouse six rallying around George I think one of the rummiest affairs I was ever mixed up with in the course of a lifetime devoted to budding into other people's business was that affair of George Latiker at Monte Carlo I wouldn't bore you don't you know for the world but I think you ought to hear about it we had come to Monte Carlo on the yacht Kierke belonging to an old sportsman of the name of Marshall among those present were myself my man vows a Mrs. van der Lee her daughter Stella Mrs. van der Lee's made Pilbeam and George George was a dear old pal of mine in fact it was I who had worked him into the party you see George was due to meet his uncle Augustus who was scheduled George having just reached his 25th birthday to hand over to him a legacy left by one of George's aunts for which he had been trustee the aunt had died when George was quite a kid it was a date that George had been looking forward to for though he had a sort of income an income after all is only an income whereas a chunk of goblins is a pile George's uncle was in Monte Carlo and he had written George that he would come to London and unbelt but it struck me that a far better plan was for George to go to his uncle at Monte Carlo instead kill two birds with one stone don't you know fix up his affairs and have a pleasant holiday simultaneously so George had tagged along and at the time when the trouble started we were anchored in Monaco Harbour and uncle Augustus was due next day looking back I may say that so far as I was mixed up in it the thing began at seven o'clock in the morning when I was aroused from a dream asleep by the dickens of a scrap in progress outside my stave room door the chief ingredients were a female voice that sobbed and said oh Harold and a male voice raised in anger as they say which after considerable difficulty identified as vowses in his official capacity vows talks exactly like you'd expect a statue to talk if it could in private however he evidently relaxed to some extent and to have that sort of thing going on in my midst at that hour was too much for me vows I yelled spy and cop ceased with a jerk there was a silence then sobs diminishing in the distance and finally a tap at the door vows entered with that impressive my lord the carriage waits look which is what I pay him for you wouldn't have believed he had a drop of any sort of emotion in him vows I said are you under the delusion that I am going to be queen of the may you've called me early all right it's only just seven I understand you to summon me sir I summoned you to find out why you were making that infernal noise outside I owe you an apology sir I am afraid that in the heat of the moment I raised my voice it's a wonder you didn't raise the roof who was that with you miss pill beam sir mrs. van der Lee's made what was all that trouble about I was breaking our engagement sir I couldn't help gaping somehow one didn't associate vows with engagements then it struck me that I'd no right to butt in on his secret sorrows so I switched the conversation I think I'll get up I said yes sir I can't wait to breakfast with the rest can you get me some right away yes sir so I had a solitary breakfast and went up on the deck to smoke it was a lovely morning blue sea gleaming casino cloudless sky and all the rest of the hippodrome presently the others began to trickle up Stella van der Lee was one of the first I thought she looked a bit pale and tired she said she hadn't slept well that accounted for it unless you get your eight hours where are you seeing George I asked I couldn't help thinking the name seemed to freeze her a bit which was queer because all the voyage she and George had been particularly close pals in fact at any moment I expected George to come to me and slip his little hand in mine and whisper I've done it old scout she loves me I have not seen Mr. Ladaker she said I didn't pursue the subject George's stock was apparently low that a.m. the next item in the day's program occurred a few minutes later when the morning papers arrived Mrs. van der Lee opened hers and gave a scream the poor dear prince she said what a shocking thing said old Marshall I knew him in Vienna said Mrs. van der Lee he waltzed divinely then I got it mine and saw what they were talking about the paper was full of it it seemed that late the night before his serene highness the Prince of Saxburg Leignitz I always wonder why they call these chaps serene had been murderously assaulted in a dark street on his way back from the casino to his yacht early he had developed the habit of going out without an escort and some rough-neck taking advantage of this had laid for him and slugged him with considerable vim the Prince had been found lying pretty well beaten up and insensible in the street by a passing pedestrian and had been taken back to his yacht where he still lay unconscious this is going to do somebody no good I said what do you get for slugging a serene highness I wonder if they'll catch the fellow later, read Old Marshall the pedestrian who discovered his serene highness proves to have been Mr. Denman Sturgis the eminent private investigator Mr. Sturgis has offered his services to the police and is understood to be in possession of a most important clue that's the fellow who had charged that kidnapping case in Chicago if anybody can catch the man, he can about five minutes later just as the rest of them were going to move off to breakfast he hailed us and came alongside a tall thin man came up the gangway he looked round the group and fixed on Old Marshall as the probable owner of the yacht good morning, he said I believe you have a Mr. Ladaker on board Mr. George Ladaker yes, said Marshall he's down below, want to see him whom shall I say he would not know my name I should like to see him for a moment on somewhat urgent business take a seat, he'll be up in a moment Reggie, my boy go and hurry him up I went down to George's state room George Old Man, I shouted no answer I opened the door and went in the room was empty what's more the bunk hadn't been slept in I don't know when I've been more surprised I went on deck he isn't there, I said not there, said Old Marshall where is he then perhaps he's gone for a stroll ashore but he'll be back soon for breakfast you better wait for him have you breakfasted, no then will you join us the man said he would and just then the gong went and they trooped down leaving me alone on the deck I sat smoking and thinking and then smoking a bit more when I thought I heard somebody call my name in a sort of horse whisper I looked over my shoulder and by Jove there at the top of the gangway in evening dress dusty to the eyebrows and without a hat was dear Old George great, Scott, I cried shh, he whispered anyone about they're all down at breakfast he gave a sigh of relief sank into my chair and closed his eyes I regarded him with pity the poor old boy looked a wreck I say, I said touching him on the shoulder he leaped out of the chair with a smothering yell did you do that? what did you do it for? what's the sense of it? how do you suppose you can ever make yourself popular if you go about touching people on the shoulder my nerves are sticking a yard out of my body this morning Reggie yes, old boy I did a murder last night what? it's the sort of thing that might happen to anybody directly Stella Evanderley broke off our engagement broke off your engagement how long were you engaged? about two minutes it might have been less I had a stopwatch I proposed to her at ten last night in the saloon she accepted me I was just going to kiss her when we heard someone coming I went out coming along the corridor was that infernal what's her name, Mrs. Van der Lee's maid, Pilbeam have you ever been accepted by a girl you love, Reggie? never I've been refused dozens then you won't understand how I felt I was off my head with joy I hardly knew what I was doing I just felt I had to kiss the nearest thing handy I couldn't wait it might have been the ship's cat it wasn't it was Pilbeam you kissed her? I kissed her and just at that moment the door of the saloon opened and out came Stella great, Scott exactly what I said Stella, dear girl, not knowing the circumstances the thing might seem a little odd it did she broke off the engagement and I got out the dinghy and rode off I was mad I didn't care what became of me I simply wanted to forget I went ashore it's just on the cards that I may have drowned my sorrows a bit anyhow I don't remember a thing except that I can recollect having the deuce of a scrap somebody in a dark street and somebody falling and myself falling and myself licking it for all I was worth I woke up this morning in the casino gardens I've lost my hat I dived for the paper read, I said, it's all there he read good heavens, he said you didn't do a thing to his serene nibs, did you? Reggie, this is awful cheer up they'll say he'll recover that doesn't matter what does to him he read the paper again it says they've a clue they always say that but my hat eh? my hat I must have dropped it during the scrap this man, Denman Sturgis, must have found it it had my name in it George, I said you mustn't waste time oh, he jumped a foot in the air don't do it, he said irritably don't bark like that what's the matter? the man what man a tall thin man with an eye like a gimlet he arrived just before you did he's down in the saloon now having breakfast he said he wanted to see you on business and wouldn't give his name I didn't like to look at him from the first it's this fellow Sturgis it must be no, I feel it I'm sure of it was he carrying a hat? of course he had a hat fool, I mean mine, was he carrying a hat? by Jove he was carrying a parcel George, old scout you must get a move on you must light out if you want to spend the rest of your life out of prison slugging a serene highness is les majest it's worse than hitting a policeman you haven't got a moment to waste but I haven't any money old man, lend me a tenner or something I must get over the frontier into Italy at once I'll wire my uncle to meet me in look out, I cried, there's someone coming he dived out of sight just as vows came up the companion way carrying a letter on a tray what's the matter, I said what do you want? I beg your pardon, sir I thought I heard Mr. Ladaker's voice a letter has arrived for him he isn't here no, sir, shall I remove the letter? no, give it to me I'll give it to him when he comes very good, sir oh, vows, are they all still at breakfast? the gentleman who came to see Mr. Ladaker still hard at it? he is at present occupied with a kippard herring, sir ah, that's all vows thank you, sir he retired, I called to George and he came out who was it? he brought a letter for you they're all at breakfast still the sleuths eating kippers that'll hold him for a bit full of bones he began to read his letter he gave a kind of grunt of surprise at the first paragraph well, I'm hanged, he said as he finished Reggie, this is a queer thing how's that? he handed me the letter and directly I started in on it I saw why he had grunted George, I shall be seeing you tomorrow, I hope but I think it is better before we meet to prepare you for a curious situation that has arisen in connection with the legacy which your father inherited from your aunt Emily and which you are expecting me as trustee to hand over to you now that you have reached your 25th birthday you have doubtless heard your father speak of your twin brother, Alfred who was lost or kidnapped which was never ascertained when no news was received of him for so many years it was supposed that he was dead yesterday, however, I received a letter purporting that he had been living all this time in Buenos Aires as the adopted son of a wealthy South American and has only recently discovered his identity he states that he is on his way to meet me and will arrive any day now of course like other claimants he may prove to be an imposter but meanwhile his intervention will appear, cause a certain delay before I can hand over your money to you it will be necessary to go into a thorough examination of credentials and this will take some time but I will go fully into the matter with you when we meet your affectionate uncle Augustus Arbut I read it through twice and the second time I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get though admittedly a chump of the premier class I have seldom had such a thoroughly corking brainwave while top I said this lets you out lets me out of half the darned money if that's what you mean if this chaps not an imposter and there's no earthly reason to suppose he is though I've never heard my father say a word about him we shall have to split the money Aunt Emily's will left the money to my father or failing him his offspring I thought that meant me but apparently there are a crowd of us I'll call it rotten works bringing unexpected offspring on a fellow at the eleventh hour like this why you chump I said it's going to save you this lets you out of your spectacular dash across the frontier all you've got to do is to stay here and be your brother Alfred it came to me in a flash he looked at me in a kind of dazed way you ought to be in some sort of a home Reggie ass I cried don't you understand have you ever heard of twin brothers who weren't exactly alike who's to say you aren't Alfred if you swear you are your uncle will be there to back you up that you have a brother Alfred and Alfred will be there to call me a liar he won't it's not as if you have to keep it up for the rest of your life it's only for an hour or two till we can get this detective off the yacht we sail for England tomorrow morning we pass the thing seemed to sink into him his face brightened why I really do believe it would work he said of course it would work if they want proof show them your mole I'll swear George hadn't one and as Alfred I should get a chance of talking to Stella and making things all right for George Reggie old top you're a genius no no you are well it's only sometimes I can't keep it up and just then there was a gentle cough behind us we spun around what the devil are you doing there vows I said I beg your pardon sir I have heard all I looked at George George looked at me vows is all right I said decent vows vows wouldn't give us away would you vows you would yes sir but vows old man I said be sensible what would you gain by it financially nothing sir whereas by keeping quiet I tapped him on the chest by holding your tongue vows by saying nothing about it to anybody vows old fellow you might gain a considerable some am I to understand sir that because you are rich and I am poor you think you can buy myself respect oh come I said how much said vows so we switched to terms you wouldn't believe the way the man haggled you'd have thought a decent faithful servant would have been delighted to oblige one in a little matter like that for a fiver but not vows by no means it was a hundred down and the promise of another hundred when we got safely away before he was satisfied but we fixed it up at last and poor old George got down to his stateroom and changed his clothes he'd hardly gone when the breakfast party came on deck did you meet him I asked meet whom said old Marshall George's twin brother Alfred I didn't know George had a brother nor did he till yesterday it's a long story he was kidnapped at infancy and everyone thought he was dead a letter from his uncle about him yesterday I shouldn't wonder if that's where George has gone to see his uncle and find out about it in the meantime Alfred has arrived he's down in George's stateroom now having a brush up it'll amaze you the likeness between them you think it is George at first well look here he comes and up came George brushed and clean in an ordinary yachting suit they were rattled there was no doubt about that they stood looking at him as if they thought there was a catch somewhere but weren't quite certain where it was I introduced him and still they looked doubtful Mr Pepper tells me my brother is not on board said George it's an amazing likeness said old Marshall is my brother like me asked George amably no one could tell you apart I said I suppose twins always are alike said George but if it ever came to a question of identification there would be one way of distinguishing us do you know George well Mr Pepper he's an old pal of mine you've been swimming with him perhaps every day last August well then you would have noticed it if he had a mole like this on the back of his neck wouldn't you he turned his back and stooped and showed the mole his collar hid it in ordinary times I had seen it often when we were bathing together has George a mole like that he asked no I said oh no you would have noticed if he had yes I said oh yes I'm glad of that said George it would be a nuisance not to be able to prove one's own identity that seemed to satisfy them all they couldn't get away from it it seemed to me that from now on the thing was a walk over and I think George felt the same or when old Marshall asked him if he had had breakfast he said he had not went below and pitched in as if he hadn't a care in the world everything went right till lunchtime George sat in the shade on the four deck talking to Stella most of the time it's all right he said what did I tell you what did you tell me why about Stella didn't I say that Alfred would fix things up for George I told her she looked worried and got her to tell me what the trouble was and then you must have shown a flash of speed if you got her to confide in you after knowing you for about two hours perhaps I did said George modestly I had no notion till I became him what a persuasive sort of chap my brother Alfred was anyway she told me all about it and I started in to show her that George was a pretty good sort of fellow on the whole who ought to be turned down for what was evidently temporary insanity she saw my point and it's all right absolutely if only we could produce George how much longer does that infernal sleuth intend to stay here he seems to have taken root I fancy he thinks that you're bound to come back sooner or later and is waiting for you he's an absolute nuisance said George we were moving towards the companion way to go below for lunch when a boat hailed us I didn't look over it's my uncle said George a stout man came up the gangway hello George he said get my letter I think you are mistaking me for my brother said George my name is Alfred Ladaker what's that I am George's brother Alfred are you my uncle Augustus the stout man stared at him you're very like George he said so everyone tells me and you're really Alfred I am I'd like to talk business with you for a moment he cocked his eye at me I sidled off and went below at the foot of the companion steps I met vows I beg your pardon sir said vows if it would be convenient I should be glad to have the afternoon off I'm bound to say I rather liked his manner absolutely normal not a trace of the fellow conspirator about it I gave him the afternoon off I had lunch George didn't show up and as I was going out I was waylaid by the girl pill beam she had been crying I beg your pardon sir but did vows ask you for the afternoon I didn't see what business it was of hers but she seemed all worked up about it so I told her yes I gave him the afternoon off she broke down absolutely collapsed devilish unpleasant it was I'm hopeless in a situation like this after I'd said there there which didn't seem to help much I hadn't any remarks to make he said he was going to the tables to gamble away all his savings and then shoot himself because he had nothing left to live for I suddenly remembered to scrap in the small hours outside my state room door I hate mysteries I meant to get to the bottom of this I couldn't have a real first class valet like vows going about the place shooting himself up evidently the girl pill beam was at the bottom of the thing I questioned her she sobbed I questioned her more I was firm and eventually she yielded up the facts vows had seen George kiss her the night before that was the trouble things began to piece themselves together I went to interview George another job for persuasive Alfred vows's mind had to be eased as Stella's had been I couldn't afford to lose a fellow with his genius for preserving a trouser crease I found George on the foredeck what is it Shakespeare or somebody says about some fellow's face being sickly dover with a pale cast of care George's was like that he looked green finished with your uncle I said ghostly grin there isn't any uncle he said there isn't any Alfred and there isn't any money explain yourself old top I said it won't take long the old crook has spent every penny of the trust money he's been at it for years ever since I was a kid when the time came to cough up and I was due to see what he did he went to the tables in the hope of a run of luck and lost the last remnant of his stuff he had to find a way of holding me for a while and postponing the squaring of accounts while he got away and he invented this twin brother business he knew I should find out sooner or later but meanwhile he will be able to get off to South America which he has done he's on his way now you let him go oh what could I do I can't afford to make a fuss with that man's sturges around I can't prove there's no Alfred when my only chance of avoiding prison would be Alfred well you've made things right for yourself with Stella Vanderley anyway I said trying to cheer him up what's the good of that now I've hardly any money and no prospects how can I marry her I pondered it looks to me old top I said at last as if things were in a bit of a mess you've guessed it said poor old George I spent the afternoon musing on life if you come to think of it what a queer thing life is so unlike anything else don't you know if you see what I mean at any moment you may be strolling peacefully along and all the time life's waiting around the corner to fetch you on you can't tell when you may be going to get it it's all dashed puzzling here was poor old George as well meaning a fellow has ever stepped getting swatted all over the ring by the hand of fate why that's what I asked myself just life don't you know that's all there was about it it was close on six o'clock when our third visitor of the day arrived we were sitting on the after-deck in the cool of the evening old Marshall Denman Sturgis Mrs. Vanderley Stella George and I when he came up we had been talking of George and old Marshall was suggesting the advisability of sending out search parties he was worried so was Stella Vanderley so for the matter were George and I only not for the same reason we were just arguing the thing out when the visitor arrived he was a well-built stiff sort of fellow he spoke with a German accent Mr. Marshall he said I am Count Fritz von Kozlin equity to a serene highness he clicked his heels together and saluted the Prince of Saxburg Leignitz Mrs. Vanderley jumped up why count she said what ages since we met in Vienna you remember could I ever forget and the charming Miss Stella she is well I suppose not Stella you remember Count Fritz Stella shook hands with him and how is the poor dear Prince asked Mrs. Vanderley what a terrible thing to have happened I rejoiced to say that my high-born master is better he has regained consciousness and is sitting up and taking nourishment that's good said old Marshall in a spoon only sighed the Count Mr. Marshall with your permission I should like a word with Mr. Sturgis Mr. Who the gimlet-eyed sportsman came forward I am Denman Sturgis at your service the deuce you are what are you doing here Mr. Sturgis explained the Count you have not found him asked the Count anxiously not yet Count but I hope to do so shortly I know what he looks like now this gentleman is his twin brother they are doubles you are sure this gentleman is not Mr. George Laddiker George put his foot down firmly on the suggestion don't go mixing me up with my brother you are sure this gentleman is not Mr. George Laddiker don't go mixing me up with my brother he said I am Alfred you can tell by my mole he exhibited the mole he was taking no risks the Count clicked his tongue regretfully I am sorry he said George didn't offer to console him don't worry said Sturgis he won't escape me I shall find him do Mr. Sturgis do and quickly find swiftly the noble young man what shouted George that noble young man George Laddiker who at the risk of his life saved my high-born master from the assassin George sat down suddenly I don't understand he said feebly we were wrong Mr. Sturgis went on the Count we leaped to the conclusion was it not so that the owner of the hat you found was also the assailant of my high-born master we were wrong he heard the story from his serene highness' own lips he was passing down a dark street when a ruffian in a mask sprang out upon him doubtless he had been followed from the casino where he had been winning heavily my high-born master was taken by surprise he was felled but before he lost consciousness he perceived a young man in evening dress wearing the hat you found running swiftly towards him the hero engaged the assassin in combat and my high-born master remembers no more his serene highness asks repeatedly where is my brave preserver his gratitude is princely he seeks for this man to reward him ah you should be proud of your brother sir thanks said George Limpley and you Mr. Sturgis you must redouble your efforts you must search the land you must scour the sea to find George Laddiker he'd needn't take all the trouble he'd needn't take all the trouble said a voice from the gangway it was vows his face was flushed his hat was on the back of his head and he was smoking a fat cigar I'll tell you where to find George Laddiker he shouted he glared at George who was staring at him yes look at me he yelled look at me you won't be the first this afternoon who stared at the mysterious stranger for two hours without a break I'll be even with you now Mr. Blooming Laddiker I'll learn you to break a poor man's heart Mr. Marshall and Gents this morning I was on deck and I over-eared him plotting up a game on you they'd spotted that jet there as a detective and they arranged that Blooming Laddiker was to pass himself off as his own twin brother and if you wanted proof Blooming Pepper tells them to show him his mole and he'd swear George hadn't won those were his very words that man there is George Laddiker Hesquire and let him deny it if he can George got up I haven't the least desire to deny it vows Mr. Vows if you please it's true said George turning to the count the fact is I had a rather foggy recollection of what happened last night I only remember knocking someone down and like you I jumped to the conclusion that I must have assaulted his serene highness then you are really George Laddiker asked the count I am here what does all this mean demanded vows merely that I saved the life of his serene highness the prince of Saxburg Leidenetz Mr. Vows it's a swindle began vows when there was a sudden rush from Cannond into the crowd sending me into old Marshal's chair and flung herself into the arms of vows oh Harold she cried I thought you were dead I thought you'd shot yourself he sort of braced himself together to fling her off and then seemed to think better of it and fell into the clinch it was all dashed romantic don't you know but there are limits vows you're sacked I said who cares he said think I was going to stop now I'm a gentleman of property come along Emma my dear give a month's notice and get your at and I'll take you to dinner at Ciro's and you Mr. Laddiker said the count may I conduct you to the presence of my high-born master he wishes to show his gratitude to his preserver you may said George may I have my hat Mr. Sturgis there's one bit more after dinner that night he came up for a smoke and strolling on to the four-deck almost bumped into George and Stella they seemed to be having an argument I'm not sure she was saying that I believe that a man can be so happy that he wants to kiss the nearest thing in sight as you put it don't you said George well as it happens I'm feeling just that way now I coughed and he turned around hello Reggie he said George I said lovely night beautiful said Stella the moon I said ripping said George lovely said Stella and look at the reflection of the stars on the George caught my eye pop off he said I popped end of rallying round old George this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org my man jeeps by P.G. Wodehouse seven doing clearance a bit of good have you ever thought about it and when I say thought about it I mean really carefully considered the question of the coolness the cheek or if you prefer it the gall with which women as a sex fairly I have my Jove but then I've had it thrust on my notice by George in a way I should imagine has happened to pretty few fellows and the limit was reached by that business of the Yardsley Venus to make you understand the full what you call it of the situation I shall have to explain just how matter stood between Mrs. Yardsley and myself when I first knew her she was Elizabeth Shulbred old Worcestershire family lots of money pretty as a picture her brother Bill was at Oxford with me I loved Elizabeth Shulbred I'd loved her don't you know and there was a time for about a week when we were engaged to be married but just as I was beginning to take a serious view of life and study furniture catalogs and feel pretty solemn when the restaurant orchestra played the wedding glide I'm hanged if she didn't break it off and a month later she was married to the name of Yardsley Clarence Yardsley an artist what with golf and billiards and a bit of racing and fellows at the club rallying round and kind of taking me out of myself as it were I got over it and came to look at the affair as a closed page in the book of my life if you know what I mean it didn't seem likely to me that we should meet again as she and Clarence had settled down in the country somewhere and never came to London and I'm bound to own that by the time I got her letter the wound had pretty well healed and I was to a certain extent sitting up and taking nourishment in fact to be absolutely honest I was jolly thankful the thing had ended as it had done this letter I'm telling you about arrived one morning out of a blue sky as it were it ran like this my dear old Reggie what ages it seems since I saw anything of you how are you perfect old house with a lovely garden in the middle of delightful country couldn't you run down here for a few days Clarence and I would be so glad to see you Bill is here and is most anxious to meet you again he was speaking of you only this morning do come wire your train and I will send the car to meet you yours most sincerely Elizabeth Yardsley P.S. we can give you new milk and fresh eggs, think of that P.P.S Bill says our billiard table is one of the best he has ever played on P.P.S.S we are only half a mile from a golf course Bill says it is better than St. Andrew's P.P.S.S.S you must come well a fellow comes down to breakfast one morning with a bit of a head on and finds a letter like that from a girl who might quite easily have blighted his life settled me rather, I must confess however that bit about the golf settled me I knew Bill knew what he was talking about and if he said the course was so topping it must be something special so I went old Bill met me at the station with the car I hadn't come across him for some months and I was glad to see him again and he apparently was glad to see me thank goodness you've come he said as we drove off I was just about at my last grip what's the trouble old scout I asked if I had the artistic what's his name he went on if the mere mention of pictures didn't give me the pip I dare say it wouldn't be so bad as it is it's rotten pictures pictures nothing else is mentioned in this household Clarence is an artist so is his father and you know yourself what Elizabeth is like when one gives her her head I remembered then it hadn't come back to me before that most of my time with Elizabeth had been spent in picture galleries during the period when I had let her do just what she wanted to do with me I had to follow her like a dog through gallery after gallery though pictures are poison to me just as they are to old Bill somehow it had never struck me that she would still be going on this way after marrying an artist I should have thought by this time the mere sight of a picture would have her fed up not so however according to old Bill they talk pictures at every meal he said I tell you it makes a chap feel out of it how long are you down for a few days take my tip and let me send you a wire from London I go there tomorrow I promise to play against the Scottish the idea was that I was to come back after the match and get me back with Alasso I tried to point out the silver lining but Bill old scout your sister says there's a most corking links near here he turned and stared at me and nearly ran us into the bank you don't mean honestly she said that she said you said it was better than St. Andrew's so I did was that all she said I said well isn't it enough I didn't happen to mention that I added the words I don't think no she forgot to tell me that it's the worst course in Great Britain I felt rather stunned don't you know whether it's a bad habit to have got into or not I can't say but I simply can't do without my daily allowance of golf when I'm not in London I took another whirl at the silver lining we'll have to take it out in billiards I said I'm glad the table's good it depends on what you call good it's half size and there's a seven inch cut just out of Bach where Clarence's cue slipped Elizabeth has mended it with pink silk very smart and dressy it looks but it doesn't improve the thing as a billiard table but she said you said must have been pulling your leg we turned in at the drive gates of a good-sized house standing well back from the road it looked black and sinister in the dusk and I couldn't help feeling you know like one of those Johnny's you read about in stories who are lured into lonely houses for rummy purposes and hear a shriek just as they get there Elizabeth knew me well enough to know that a specially good golf course was a safe draw to me and she had deliberately played on her knowledge what was the game that is what I wanted to know and then a sudden thought struck me which brought me out in a cold perspiration she had some girl down here was going to have a stab at marrying me off I've often heard that young married women are all over that sort of thing certainly she had said there was nobody at the house but Clarence and herself and Bill and Clarence's father but a woman who could take the name of St. Andrews in vain as she had done wouldn't be likely to stick at a triple Bill old scout I said there aren't any frightful girls or any rot of that sort stopping here are there? where's there were he said no such luck as we pulled up at the front door it opened and a woman's figure appeared have you got him Bill she said which in my present frame of mind struck me as a jolly creepy way of putting it the sort of thing Lady Macbeth might have said to Macbeth don't you know do you mean me I said she came down into the light it was Elizabeth looking just the same as in the old days is that you Reggie I'm so glad you were able to come I was afraid you might have forgotten all about it you know what you are come along in and have some tea have you ever been turned down by a girl who afterwards married and then been introduced to her husband if so you'll understand how I felt when Clarence burst on me you know the feeling first of all when you hear about the marriage you say to yourself I wonder what he's like then you meet him and think there must be some mistake she can't have preferred this to me that's what I thought when I said eyes on Clarence he was a little thin nervous looking chappy of about 35 his hair was getting grey at the temples and straggly on top he wore pin-snay and he had a drooping mustache I have no bombardier wells myself but in front of Clarence I felt quite a nut and Elizabeth mind you is one of those tall splendid girls who looks like princesses honestly I believe women do it out of pure cussetness how do you do Mr. Pepper Hark can you hear a mewing cat said Clarence all in one breath don't you know eh I said a mewing cat I feel sure I hear a mewing cat listen while we were listening the door opened a white-haired old gentleman came out he was built on the same lines as Clarence but was an earlier model I took him correctly to be Mr. Yardsley Sr. Elizabeth introduced us father said Clarence did you meet a mewing cat outside I feel positive I heard a cat mewing no said the father shaking his head no mewing cat I can't bear mewing cat said Clarence a mewing cat gets on my nerves a mewing cat is so trying said Elizabeth I dislike mewing cats said old Mr. Yardsley that was all about mewing cats for the moment they seemed to think they had covered the ground satisfactorily and went back to pictures we talked pictures steadily till it was time to dress for dinner at least they did I just sort of sat around presently the subject of picture robberies came up somebody mentioned the Mona Lisa and then I happened to remember something in the evening paper as I was coming down in the train about some fellow somewhere having had a valuable painting pinched by burglars the night before it was the first time I had had a chance of breaking into the conversation with any effect and I meant to make the most of it the paper was in the pocket of my overcoat in the hall I went and fetched it here it is I said a Romney belonging to Sir Bellamy Palmer they all shouted what exactly at the same time like a chorus Elizabeth grabbed the paper let me look, yes late last night burglars entered the residence of Sir Bellamy Palmer, Dryden Park Midford, Hetz why that's near here I said I passed through Midford Dryden Park is only two miles from this house said Elizabeth I noticed her eyes were sparkling only two miles she said it might have been us it might have been the Venus old Mr. Yardsley bounded in his chair the Venus he cried they all seemed wonderfully excited my little contribution to the evening's chat had made quite a hit why I didn't notice it before I don't know but it was not till Elizabeth showed it to me after dinner that I had my first look at the Yardsley Venus when she led me up to it in the light it seemed impossible that I could have set right through dinner without noticing it but then at meals my attention is pretty well riveted on the foodstuffs anyway it was not till Elizabeth showed it to me that I was aware of its existence she and I were alone in the drawing room after dinner old Yardsley was writing letters in the morning room while Bill and Clarence were rollicking in the half size billiard table with the pink silk tapestry effects all in fact was joy, jollity, and song so to speak when Elizabeth who had been sitting wrapped in thought for a bit bent towards me and said Reggie and the moment she said it I knew something was going to happen you know that pre what you call it you get sometimes well I got it then what oh I said nervously Reggie she said I want to ask a favor of you yes she stooped down and put a log on the fire and went on with her back to me do you remember Reggie once you said you would do anything in the world for me there that's what I meant when I said about the cheek of woman as a sex what I mean is after what had happened you'd have thought she would have preferred to let the dead past bury its dead and all that sort of thing what I knew I had said I would do anything in the world for her but it was a distinctly pre-clarance remark he hadn't appeared on the scene then and it stands to reason that a fellow who might have been a perfect knight errant to a girl when he was engaged to her doesn't feel nearly so keen on spreading himself in that direction when she has given him the misson-bock and gone and married a man who reason and instinct both tell him is a decided blighter I couldn't think of anything to say but oh yes there's something you can do for me now which will make me everlastingly grateful yes I said do you know Reggie she said suddenly that only a few months ago clearance was very fond of cats eh well he still seems er interested in them what now they get on his nerves everything gets on his nerves some fellows swear by that stuff you see advertised all over the no that wouldn't help him he doesn't need to take anything he wants to get rid of something I don't quite follow get rid of something the Venus said Elizabeth she looked up and caught my bulging eye you saw the Venus she said not that I remember well come into the dining room we went into the dining room and she switched on the lights there she said on the wall close to the door that may have been why I hadn't noticed it before I had sat with my back to it was a large oil painting it was what you'd call a classical picture I suppose what I mean is well you know what I mean all I can say is that it's funny I hadn't noticed it is that the Venus I said she nodded how would you like to have to look at that every time you sat down to a meal well I don't know I don't think it would affect me much I'd worry through all right she jerked her head impatiently but you're not an artist she said Clarence is and then I began to see daylight what exactly was the trouble I didn't understand but it was evidently something to do with the good old artistic temperament and I could believe anything about that it explains everything it's like the unwritten law don't you know which you plead in America if you've done anything they want to send you to the Chokey for and you don't want to go what I mean is if you're absolutely off your rocker but don't find it convenient to be scooped into the loony bin you simply explain that when you said that you were a teapot it was just your artistic temperament and they apologize and go away so I stood by to hear just how the AT had affected Clarence the cat's friend ready for anything and believe me it had hit Clarence badly it was this way it seemed that old Yersley was an amateur artist and that this Venus was his masterpiece he said so and he ought to have known well when Clarence married he had given it to him as a wedding present and had hung it where it stood with his own hands all right so far what but mark the sequel temperamental Clarence being a professional artist and consequently some streets ahead of the dad at the game saw flaws in the Venus and stand it at any price he didn't like the drawing he didn't like the expression of the face he didn't like the coloring in fact it made him feel quite ill to look at it yet being devoted to his father and wanting to do anything rather than give him pain he had not been able to bring himself to store the thing in the cellar and the strain of confronting the picture three times a day had begun to tell on him to such an extent that Elizabeth felt something had to be done now you see she said in a way I said but don't you think it's making rather heavy weather over a trifle oh can't you understand look her voice dropped as if she was in church and she switched on another light it's shown on the picture next to old year's lease there she said Clarence painted that she looked at me expectantly waiting for me to swoon or yell or something I took a steady look at Clarence's effort it was another classical picture it seemed to me very much like the other one some sort of art criticism was evidently expected of me so I made a dash at it errr venus I said mark you, Sherlock Holmes would have made the same mistake on the evidence I mean no, jock into spring she switched off the light I see you don't understand even now you never had any taste in pictures when we used to go to the galleries together you would far rather have been at your club this was so absolutely true that I have no remark to make she came up to me and put her hand on my arm I'm sorry Reggie I didn't mean to be cross only I do want to make you understand that Clarence is suffering suppose well let us take the case of a great musician suppose a great musician had to sit and listen to a cheap vulgar tune the same tune day after day wouldn't you expect his nerves to break well it's just like that with Clarence now you see yes, but but what surely I've made it plainly enough yes, but what I mean is where do I come in what do you want me to do I want you to steal the Venus I looked at her you want me to steal it Reggie her eyes were shining with excitement don't you see it's provenance when I asked you to come here I had just got the idea I knew I could rely on you and then by a miracle this robbery of the Romney takes place at a house not two miles away it makes the last chance of the poor old man suspecting anything and having his feelings hurt why it's the most wonderful compliment to him think one night thieves steal a splendid Romney the next the same gang take his Venus it will be the proudest moment of his life do it tonight Reggie I'll give you a sharp knife you simply cut the canvas out of the frame and it's done but one moment I said I'd be delighted to be of any use to you in an early family affair like this wouldn't it be better in fact how about tackling old Bill on the subject I have asked Bill already yesterday he refused but if I'm caught you can't be all you have to do is take the picture open one of the windows leave it open and go back to your room it sounded simple enough and as to the picture itself when I've got it burn it see that you have a good fire in your room but she looked at me she always did have the most wonderful eyes Reggie she said nothing more just Reggie she looked at me well after all if you see what I mean the days that are no more don't you know old Lang Syne, that sort of thing you follow me I don't know if you happen to be one of those Johnny's who are steeped in crime and so forth and think nothing of pinching diamond necklaces if you're not you'll understand that I felt a lot less keen on the job I'd taken on when I sat in my room waiting to get busy than I had done when I promised to tackle it in the dining room on paper it all seemed easy enough but I couldn't help feeling there was a catch somewhere and I'd never known time pass slower the kickoff was scheduled for one o'clock in the morning when the household might be expected to be pretty sound asleep but at quarter two I couldn't stand it any longer I lit the lantern I had taken from Bill's bicycle took a grip of my knife and slunk downstairs the first thing I did on getting to the dining room was to open the window I had half a mind to smash it so as to give an extra bit of local color to the affair not to on account of the noise I had put my lantern on the table and was just reaching out for it when something happened but it was for the moment I couldn't have said it might have been an explosion of some sort or an earthquake some solid object caught me a frightful whack on the chin sparks and things occurred inside my head and the next thing I remember is feeling something wet and cold splash into my face and hearing a voice that sounded like old Bill say any better now I sat up the lights were on and I was on the floor with old Bill kneeling beside me with a soda siphon what happened I said I'm awfully sorry old man he said I hadn't a notion it was you I came in here and saw a lantern on the table and the window open and a chap with a knife in his hand so I didn't stop to make inquiries I just let go at his jaw for all I was worth what on earth do you think you're doing were you walking in your sleep it was Elizabeth I said why you know all about it she said she had told you you don't mean the picture you refuse to take it on so she asked me Regi old man he said I'll never believe what they say about repentance again it's a fool's trick and upsets everything if I hadn't repented and thought it was rather rough on Elizabeth not to do a little thing like that for her and come down here to do it after all you wouldn't have stopped that sleep producer with your chin I'm sorry me too I said giving my head another shake to make certain it was still on are you feeling better now better than I was but that's not saying much would you like some more soda water no well how about getting this job finished and going to bed and let's be quick about it too it's always like a ton of bricks when you went down just now and it's on the cards that some of the servants may have heard toss you who carves heads tails it is he said uncovering the coin up you get I'll hold the light don't spike yourself on that sword of yours it was as easy a job as Elizabeth had said just four quick cuts and the thing came out of its frame like an oyster I rolled it up old Bill had put the lantern on the floor and was at the sideboard there was a bottle of whiskey soda and glasses we've got a long evening before as he said you can't burn a picture of that size in one chunk you'd set the chimney on fire let's do the thing comfortably Clarence can't grudge us the stuff we've done him a bit of good this trip tomorrow will be the maddest merriest day of Clarence's glad new year on we go we went up to my room and sat smoking and yarning away and sipping our drinks and every now and then cutting a piece of the picture off and shoving it in the fire till it was all gone and what with the coziness of it and the cheerful blaze and the comfortable feeling of doing good by stealth I don't know when I've had a jollier time since the days when we used to brew in my study at school we had just put the last slice on when Bill sat up suddenly and gripped my arm I heard something he said I listened and by Jove I heard something too my room was just over the dining room and the sound came up to us quite distinctly stealthy footsteps by George and then a chair falling over there's somebody in the dining room I whispered there's a certain type of chap who takes a pleasure in positively chivying trouble old bills like that if I'd been alone it would have taken me about three seconds to persuade myself that I hadn't really heard anything at all I'm a peaceful sort of cove and believe in living and letting live and so forth to old Bill however a visit from Burglars was pure jam he was out of his chair in one jump come on he said bring the poker I brought the tongs as well I felt like it old Bill collared the knife we crept downstairs we'll fling the door open and make a rush said Bill supposing they shoot old Scout Burglars never shoot said Bill which was comforting providing the Burglars knew it old Bill took a grip of the handle turned it quickly and in he went and then we went up sharp staring the room was in darkness except for a feeble splash of light at the near end standing on a chair in front of Clarences, jock and spring holding a candle in one hand and reaching up with a knife in the other was old Mr. Yersley in bedroom slippers and a gray dressing gown he had made a final cut just as we rushed in turning at the sound he stopped and he and the chair and the candle and the picture came down in a heap together the candle went out what on earth said Bill I felt the same I picked up the candle and lit it and then a most fearful thing happened the old man picked himself up and suddenly collapsed into a chair and began to cry like a child of course I could see it was only the artistic temperament but still believe me it was devilish unpleasant I looked at old Bill old Bill looked at me we shut the door quick and after that we didn't know what to do I saw Bill look at the sideboard and I knew what he was looking for but we had taken the siphon upstairs and his ideas of first aid stopped short at squirting soda water and presently old Yeardsley switched off sat up and began talking with a rush Clarence my boy I was tempted it was that burglary at Dryden Park it tempted me it made it all so simple I knew you would put it down to the same gang Clarence my boy I it seemed to dawn on him at this point that Clarence was not among those present Clarence he said hesitatingly he's in bed I said then he doesn't know even now young men I throw myself on your mercy don't be hard on me listen he grabbed at Bill who sidestepped I can explain everything everything he gave a gulp you are not artists you too young men but I will try to make you understand make you realize what this picture means to me I was two years painting it it is my child I watched it grow I loved it it was part of my life nothing would have induced me to sell it and then Clarence married and in a mad moment I gave my treasure to him you cannot understand you too young men what agonies I suffered the thing was done it was irrevocable I saw how Clarence valued the picture I knew that I could never bring myself to ask him for it back and yet I was lost without it what could I do till this evening I could see no hope then came this story of the theft of the Romney from a house quite close to this and I saw my way Clarence would never suspect he would put the robbery down to the same band of criminals who stole the Romney once the idea had come I could not drive it out I fought against it but to no avail at last I yielded and crept down here to carry out my plan you found me he grabbed again at me this time and got me by the arm he had a grip like a lobster young man he said you would not betray me you would not tell Clarence I was feeling most frightfully sorry for the poor old chap by this time don't you know but I thought it would be kindest to give it to him straight instead of breaking it by degrees I won't say a word to Clarence Mr. Yardsley I said I quite understand your feelings about the artistic temperament and all that sort of thing I mean what? I know but I'm afraid well look I went to the door and switched on the electric light and there staring him in the face were the two empty frames he stood goggling at them in silence then he gave a sort of wheezy grunt the gang the burglars they have been here and they have taken Clarence's picture he paused it might have been mine my Venus he whispered it was getting most fearfully painful you know but he had to know the truth I'm awfully sorry you know I said but it was he started poor old chap eh what do you mean they did take your Venus but I have it here I shook my head that's Clarence's in spring I said he jumped at it and straightened it out what what are you talking about do you think I don't know my own picture my child my Venus see my own signature in the corner can you read boy look Matthew Yardsley this is my picture and well by Joe it was don't you know well we got him off to bed him and his infernal Venus and we settled down to take a steady look at the position of affairs Bill said it was my fault for getting hold of the wrong picture and I said it was Bill's fault for fetching me such a crack on the jaw that I couldn't be expected to see what I was getting hold of and then there was a pretty massive silence for a bit Reggie said Bill at last how exactly do you feel about facing Clarence and Elizabeth at breakfast old scout I said I was thinking much the same myself Reggie said Bill I happen to know there's a milk train leaving Midford at three fifteen it isn't what you call a flyer it gets to London at about half past nine well the circumstances how about it end of doing Clarence a bit of good this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer visit LibriVox.org My Man Jeeves by PG Wodehouse 8. The Aunt and the Sluggard now that it's all over I may as well admit that there was a time during the rather funny affair of rock-metallor Todd when I thought that Jeeves was going to let me down the man had the appearance of being baffled Jeeves is my man you know officially he pulls in weekly wages for pressing my clothes and all that sort of thing but actually he's more like what the poet Johnny called some bird of his acquaintance who was apt to rally around him in times of need a guy don't you know philosopher if I remember rightly and I rather fancy friend I rely on him at every turn so naturally when Rocky Todd told me about his aunt I didn't hesitate Jeeves was in on the thing from the start the affair of Rocky Todd broke loose early one morning of spring I was in bed restoring the good old tissues with about nine hours of the dreamless when the door flew open and somebody prodded me in the lower ribs and began to shake the bed clothes after blinking a bit and generally pulling myself together I located Rocky and my first impression was that it was some horrid dream Rocky you see lived down on Long Island somewhere miles from New York and not only that but he had told me himself more than once that he never got up before twelve and seldom earlier than one constitutionally the laziest young devil in America he had hit on a walk in life which enabled him to go to the limit in that direction he was a poet at least he wrote poems when he did anything but most of the time as far as I could make out he spent in a sort of trance he told me once that he could sit on a fence watching a worm and wondering what on earth it was up to four hours at a stretch he had this scheme of life worked out to a fine point about once a month he would take three days writing a few poems the other three hundred and twenty nine days of the year he rested I didn't know there was enough money in poetry to support a chappy even in the way in which Rocky lived but it seemed that if you stick to exhortations to young men to lead the strenuous life and don't shove in any rhymes American editors fight for the stuff Rocky showed me one of his things once it began be be the past is dead tomorrow is not born be today today be with every nerve with every muscle with every drop of your red blood be it was printed opposite the frontest piece of a magazine with a sort of scroll around it and a picture in the middle of a fairly nude chappy with bulging muscles giving the rising sun the glad eye Rocky said they gave him a hundred dollars for it and he stayed in bed for over a month as he regarded the future he was pretty solid owing to the fact that he had a moneyed aunt tucked away somewhere in Illinois and as he had been named rock metallur after her and was her only nephew his position was pretty sound he told me that when he did come into the money he meant to do no work at all except perhaps an occasional poem recommending the young man with the life opening out for him with all its possibilities to light a pipe and shove his feet upon the mantelpiece and this was the man who was prodding me in the ribs in the grey dawn read this Bertie I could just see that he was waving a letter or something equally foul in my face wake up and read this I can't read before I've had my morning tea and a cigarette I groped for the bell Jeeves came in looking as fresh as a tree violet it's a mystery to me how he does it tea Jeeves a very good sir he flowed silently out of the room he always gives you the impression of being some liquid substance when he moves and I found that Rocky was surging round with his beastly letter again what is it I said what on earth the matter read it I can't I haven't had my tea well listen then who's it from my aunt at this point I fell asleep again I woke to hear him saying so what on earth am I to do Jeeves trickled in with the tray like some silent stream meandering over its mossy bed and I saw daylight read it again Rocky old top I said I want Jeeves to hear it my aunt has written him a rather rummy letter Jeeves and we want your advice very good sir he stood in the middle of the room registering devotion to the cause and Rocky started again my dear rock metallur I have been thinking things over for a long while and I have come to the conclusion that I have been very thoughtless to wait so long before doing what I have made it by mind to do now it seems a little obscure at present sir but no doubt it becomes clearer at a later point in the communication it becomes as clear as mud said Rocky proceed old scout I said champing my bread and butter you know how all my life I have longed to visit New York and see for myself the wonderful gay life of which I have read so much I fear that now it will be impossible for me to fulfill my dream I am old and worn out I seem to have no strength left in me sad Jeeves what extremely sir sad nothing said Rocky it's sheer laziness I went to see her last Christmas and she was bursting with health her doctor told me himself that there was nothing wrong with her whatever but she will insist that she's a hopeless invalid so he has to agree with her she's got a fixed idea that she's going to marry her so though it's been her ambition all her life to come here she stays where she is rather like the chappy whose heart was in the highlands or chasing of the deer Jeeves the cases are in some respects parallel sir carry on Rocky dear boy so I have decided that if I cannot enjoy all the marvels of the city myself I can at least enjoy them through you I suddenly thought of this yesterday after going home in the Sunday paper about a young man who had longed all his life for a certain thing and wanted in the end only when he was too old to enjoy it it was very sad and it touched me a thing interpolated rocky bitterly that I have not been able to do in ten years as you know you will have my money when I am gone but until now I have never been able to see my way to giving you an allowance I have now decided to do so on one condition I have written to a firm of lawyers in New York giving them instructions to pay you quite a substantial sum each month my one condition is that you live in New York and enjoy yourself as I have always wished to do I want you to be my representative to spend this money for me as I should do myself I want you to plunge into the gay prismatic life of New York I want you to be the life and soul of my immediate supper parties above all I want you indeed I insist on this to write me letters at least once a week giving me a full description of all you are doing and all that is going on in the city so that I may enjoy at second hand what my wretched health prevents my enjoying for myself remember that I shall expect full details and that no detail is too trivial to interest your affectionate aunt Isabel Rockmetaller what about it said Rocky what about it I said yes what on earth am I going to do it was only then that I really got on to the extremely rummy attitude of the chappy in view of the fact that a quite unexpected mess of the right stuff had suddenly descended on him from a blue sky to my mind it was an occasion for the beaming smile and joyous hoop yet here the man was looking and talking as if fate had swung on his silver plexus it amazed me aren't you bucked I said but if I were in your place I should be frightfully braced I consider this pretty soft for you he gave a kind of yelp stared at me for a moment and then began to talk of New York in a way that reminded me of Jimmy Mundy the reformer chappy Jimmy had just come to New York on a hit the trail campaign and I had popped in at Garden a couple of days before for half an hour or so to hear him he had certainly told New York some pretty straight things about itself having apparently taken a dislike to the place but by Jove you know dear old Rocky made him look like a publicity agent for the old Petrop pretty soft he cried to have to come and live in New York to have to leave my little cottage to make a stuffy smelly overheated hole of an apartment in this heaven forsaken festering Gehenna to have to mix night after night with a mob who think that life is a sort of St. Vitus's dance and imagine that they're having a good time because they're making enough noise for six and drinking too much for ten I loathe New York birdie I wouldn't come near the place if I hadn't got to see editors occasionally there's blight on it it's got moral delirium tremens it's the limit the very thought of staying more than a day in it makes me sick and you think this thing is pretty soft for me I felt rather like lots friends must have done when they dropped in for a quiet chat and had their genial host began to criticize the cities of the plain I had no idea old Rocky could be so eloquent he would kill me to live in New York he went on to have to share the air with six million people to have to wear stiff collars and decent clothes all the time too he started good lord I suppose I should have to dress for dinner in the evenings what a ghastly notion I was shocked absolutely shocked my dear chap I said reproachfully do you dress for dinner every night birdie I said coldly the man was still standing like a statue by the door how many suits of evening clothes have I we have three suits full of evening dress sir two dinner jackets three for practical purposes two only sir if you remember we cannot wear the third we have also seven waist coats and shirts four dozen sir and white ties the first two shallow shelves in the chest of drawers are completely filled with our white ties sir I turned to Rocky you see the chappy writhed like an electric fan I won't do it I can't do it I'll be hanged if I'll do it how on earth can I dress up like that do you realize that most days I don't get out of my pajamas till five in the afternoon and then I just put on an old sweater I saw jeev's chapp this sort of revelation shocked his finest feelings then what are you going to do about it I said that's what I want to know you might write and explain to your aunt I might if I wanted her to get round to her lawyers in two rapid leaps and cut me out of her will I saw his point what do you suggest jeev's I said jeev's cleared his throat respectfully the crux of the matter would appear to be sir that mr. Todd is obliged by the conditions under which the money is delivered into his possession to write miss rock metallur long and detailed letters relating to his movements and the only methods by which this can be accomplished if mr. Todd adheres to his expressed intention of remaining in the country is for mr. Todd to induce some second party to gather the actual experiences which miss rock metallur wishes reported to her and convey these to him in the shape of a careful report on which it would be possible for him, with the aid of his imagination to base the suggested correspondence having got which off the old diaphragm jeev's was silent rocky looked at me in a helpless sort of way he hasn't been brought up on jeev's as I have and isn't on to his curves could he put it a little clearer birdie he said I thought at the start it was going to make sense but it kind of flickered what's the idea my dear old man perfectly simple I knew we could stand on jeev's all you've got to do is get somebody to go round the town for you and take a few notes and then you work up the notes into letters that's it isn't it jeev's precisely sir the light of hope gleamed from his eyes he looked at jeev's in a startled way dazed by the man's vast intellect but who would do it he said it would have to be a pretty smart sort of man a man who would notice things jeev's I said let jeev's do it but woody you would do it wouldn't you jeev's for the first time in our long connection I observed jeev's almost smile the corner of his mouth was quite a quarter of an inch and for a moment his eyes ceased to look like a meditative fishes I should be delighted to oblige sir as a matter of fact I have already visited some of New York's places of interest on my evening out and it would be most enjoyable to make a practice of the pursuit fine I know exactly what your aunt wants to hear about rucky she wants an earful of a cabaret stuff the place you ought to go to first jeev's is ragelheimers it's on 42nd Street anybody will show you the way jeev's shook his head pardon me sir people are no longer going to ragelheimers the place at the moment is frolics on the roof you see I said rucky leave it to jeev's he knows it isn't often that you find an entire group of your fellow humans happy in this world jeev's was certainly an example of the fact that it can be done we were all full of beans everything went absolutely right from the start jeev's was happy partly because he loves to exercise his giant brain and partly because he was having a corking time among the bright lights I saw him one night at the midnight revels he was sitting at a table on the edge of the dancing floor doing himself remarkably well and a bottle of the best I'd never imagined he could look so nearly human his face wore an expression of austere benevolence and he was making notes in a small book as for the rest of us I was feeling pretty good because I was fond of old rocky and glad to be able to do him a good turn rocky was perfectly contented because he was still able to sit on fences in his pajamas and watch worms and as for the aunt she seemed tickled to death she was getting Broadway at a pretty long range but it seemed to be hitting her just right I read one of her letters to rocky and it was full of life but then rocky's letters based on jeev's notes were enough to buck anybody up it was rummy when you came to think of it there was I loving the life while the mere mention of it gave rocky a tired feeling but here is a letter I wrote to a pal of mine in London dear freddy well here I am in New York it's not a bad place I'm not having a bad time everything's pretty all right the cabarets aren't bad don't know when I shall be back how's everybody cheero yours Bertie p.s. seen old ted lately not that I cared about ted confounded thing onto the second page now here's old rocky on exactly the same subject dearest aunt isabel how can I ever thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to live in this astounding city New York seems more wonderful every day 5th avenue is at its best of course just now the dresses are magnificent wads of stuff about the dresses I didn't know jeev's was such an authority I was out with some of the crowd at the midnight revels the other night we took in a show first after a little dinner at a new place on 43rd street we were quite a gay party Georgie Cohen looked in about midnight and got off a good one about willy collier fred stone could only stay a minute but Doug Fairbanks did all sorts of stunts and made us roar Diamond Jim Brady was there as usual and Laurette Taylor showed up with a party the show at the revels is quite good I am enclosing a program last night a fuel bus went round to frolics on the roof and so on and so forth yards of it I suppose it's the artistic temperament or something what I mean is it's easier for a chappy who's used to writing poems and that sort of tosh to put a bit of a punch into a letter that it is for a chappy like me there's no doubt that Rocky's correspondence was hot stuff I called Jeeves in and congratulated him Jeeves you're a wonder thank you sir how you notice everything at these places beats me I couldn't tell you a thing about them except that I've had a good time it's just a knack sir well Mr. Todd's letters ought to brace Miss Rock-Metallor all right what undoubtedly sir Jeeves and by Jove they did they certainly did by George what I mean to say is I was sitting in the apartment one afternoon about a month after the thing had started smoking a cigarette and resting the old bean when the door opened and the voice of Jeeves burst the silence like a bomb it wasn't that he spoke loud he has one of those soft soothing voices that slide through the atmosphere like a note of a far-off sheep it was what he said that made me leap like a young gazelle Miss Rock-Metallor an in-came a large solid female the situation floored me I'm not denying it Hamlet must have felt much as I did when his father's ghost bobbed up in the fairway I had come to look on Rocky's aunt as such a permanency at her own home that it didn't seem possible to hear in New York I stared at her then I looked at Jeeves he was standing there in an attitude of dignified detachment that chump when, if ever he should have been rallying around the young master it was now Rocky's aunt looked less like an invalid than anyone I'd ever seen except my Aunt Agatha she had a good deal of Aunt Agatha about her as a matter of fact she looked as if she might be duly dangerous to put upon and something seemed to tell me that she would certainly regard herself as put upon if she ever found out the game which poor old Rocky had been pulling on her good afternoon I managed to say how do you do she said Mr. Cohen er, no Mr. Fred Stone not absolutely as a matter of fact my name is Wooster Bertie Wooster the final name of Wooster appeared to mean nothing in her life isn't Rock Metal her home she said where is he she had me with the first shot I couldn't think of anything to say I couldn't tell her that Rocky was down in the country watching worms there was the faintest flutter of sound in the background it was the respectful cough with which Jeeves announces that he is about to speak without having been spoken to if you remember sir Mr. Todd went out in the automobile with a party in the afternoon so he did Jeeves so he did I said looking at my watch did he say when he would be back he gave me to understand sir that he would be somewhat late in returning he vanished and the aunt took the chair which I had forgotten to offer her she looked at me in a rather grummy way it was a nasty look it made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on when he had the time my Aunt Agatha back in England has looked at me exactly the same way many a time and it never fails to make my spine curl you seem very at home here young man are you a great friend of Rock Metalers oh yes rather she frowned as if she had expected better things of old Rocky well you need to be she said the way you treat his flat as your own I give you my word this quite unforeseen slam simply robbed me of the power of speech I'd been looking on myself in the light of the dashing host and suddenly to be treated as an intruder jarred me it wasn't Mark you as if she had spoken in a way to suggest that she considered my presence in the place as an ordinary social call she obviously looked on me as a cross between a burglar and the plumber's man come to fix the leak in the bathroom it hurt her my being there at this juncture with the conversation showing every sign of being about to die in awful agonies an idea came to me tea the good old standby would you care for a cup of tea I said tea she spoke as if she'd never heard of the stuff nothing like a cup after a journey I said bucks you up puts a bit of a zip into you what I mean to say is restores you and so on don't you know I'll go and tell Jeeves I tottered down the passage to Jeeves' lair the man was reading the evening paper as if he hadn't a care in the world Jeeves I said we want some tea very good sir I say Jeeves this is a bit thick what I wanted sympathy don't you know sympathy and kindness the old nerve centers had had the deuce of a shock she's got the idea this place belongs to Mr. Todd what on earth put that into her head Jeeves filled the kettle with a restrained dignity no doubt because of Mr. Todd's letters sir he said it was my suggestion sir if you remember that they should be addressed from this apartment in order that Mr. Todd should appear to possess a good central residence in the city I remembered we had thought it a brainy scheme at the time well it's belly awkward you know Jeeves she looks on me as an intruder by Jove I suppose she thinks I'm someone who hangs about here touching Mr. Todd for three meals and borrowing his shirts yes sir it's pretty rotten you know most disturbing sir and there's another thing what are we going to do about Mr. Todd we've got to get him up here as soon as ever we can when you have brought the tea you would better go out and send him a telegram telling him to come up by the next train I have already done so sir I took the liberty of writing the message and dispatching it by the lift attendant by Jove you think of everything Jeeves thank you sir a little buttered toast with the tea just so sir thank you I went back to the sitting room she hadn't moved an inch she was still bolt upright on the edge of her chair gripping her umbrella like a hammer thrower she gave me another one of those looks as I came in there was no doubt about it for some reason she had taken a dislike to me I suppose because I wasn't George M. Cohen it's a bit hard on a chap this is a surprise what I said after about five minutes restful silence trying to crank the conversation up again what is a surprise you are coming here don't you know and so on she raised her eyebrows and drank me in a bit more through her glasses why is it surprising that I should visit my only nephew she said put like that of course it did seem reasonable oh rather I said of course certainly what I mean is Jeeves projected himself into the room with the tea I was jolly glad to see him there is nothing like having a bit of business arranged for one when one isn't certain of one's lines with a teapot to fool about with I felt happier tea tea tea what what I said it wasn't what I meant to say my idea had been to be a good deal more formal and so on still it covered the situation I poured her out a cup she sipped it and put the cup down with a shutter do you mean to say young man she said frostily that you expect me to drink this stuff rather bucks you up you know what do you mean by the expression bucks you up well it makes you full of beans makes you fizz I don't understand a word you say you are English aren't you I admitted it she didn't say a word and somehow she did it in a way that made it worse than if she had spoken for hours somehow it was brought home to me that she didn't like Englishman and that if she had had to meet an Englishman I was the one she had chosen last conversation languished again after that then I tried again I was becoming more convinced every moment that you can't make a really lively salon with a couple of people especially if one of them lets it go a word at a time are you comfortable at your hotel I said at which hotel the hotel you're staying at I'm not staying at a hotel stopping with friends what I am naturally stopping with my nephew I didn't get it for the moment then it hit me but here I gurgled certainly where else should I go the full horror of the situation rolled over me like a wave I couldn't see what on earth I was to do I couldn't explain that this wasn't Rocky's flat without giving the poor old chap away hopelessly because she would then ask me where he did live and then he would be right in the soup I was trying to induce the old bean to recover from the shock and produce some results when she spoke again will you kindly tell my nephew's man-servant to prepare my room I wish to lie down your nephew's man-servant the man you call Jeeves if rock metallur has gone for an automobile ride there is no need for you to wait for him he will naturally wish to be alone with me when he returns I found myself tottering out of the room the thing was too much for me I crept into Jeeves's den Jeeves I whispered Sir mix me a B&S Jeeves I feel weak very good sir this is getting thicker every minute Jeeves Sir she thinks you're Mr. Todd's man she thinks this whole place is his and everything in it I don't see what you're to do except stay on and keep it up we can't say anything and I don't want to let Mr. Todd down by the way Jeeves she wants you to prepare her bed he looked wounded it's hardly my place sir I know I know but do it as a personal favor to me if you come to that it's hardly my place to be flung out of the flat like this and have to go to an hotel but is it your intention to go to an hotel sir what will you do for clothes good lord I hadn't thought of that can you put a few things in a bag when she isn't looking and sneak them down to me in the St. Aurea I will endeavor to do so sir well I don't think there's anything more is there tell Mr. Todd where I am when he gets here very good sir I looked round to the place the moment of parting had come I felt sad the whole thing reminded me of one of those melodramas where they drive chapies out of the old homestead into the snow goodbye Jeeves I said goodbye sir and I staggered out you know I rather think I agree with those poet and philosopher Johnny's who insist that a fellow ought to be devilish pleased if he has a bit of trouble all that stuff about being refined by suffering you know suffering does give a chap a sort of broader and more sympathetic outlook it helps you understand other people's misfortunes if you've been through the same thing yourself as I stood in my lonely bedroom at the hotel trying to tie my white tie myself it struck me for the first time that there must be whole squads of chapies in the world who had to get along without a man to look after them I'd always thought of Jeeves as a natural phenomenon but by Jove of course when you come to think of it there must be quite a lot of fellows who have to press their own clothes themselves and haven't got anybody to bring them tea in the morning and so on it was rather a solemn thought don't you know I mean to say ever since then I've been able to appreciate the frightful privations the poor have to stick I got dressed somehow I got a thing in his packing everything was there down to the final stud I'm not sure this didn't make me feel worse it kind of deepened the pathos it was like what somebody other wrote about the touch of a vanished hand I had a bit of dinner somewhere and went to a show of some kind but nothing seemed to make any difference I simply hadn't the heart to go on to supper anywhere I found a whiskey and soda in the hotel smoking room and went straight up to bed I didn't know when I felt so rotted somehow I found myself moving about the room softly as if there had been a death in the family if I had anybody to talk to I should have talked in a whisper in fact when the telephone bell rang I answered in such a sad, hushed voice that the fellow at the other end of the wire said hello five times thinking he hadn't got me it was rocky the poor old scout was deeply agitated birdie is that you birdie? oh gosh I'm having a time where are you speaking from the midnight revels we've been here an hour and I think we're a fixture for the night I've told Aunt Isabelle I've gone out to call up a friend to join us she's glued to a chair with this is the life written all over her taking it in through the pores she loves it and I'm nearly crazy tell me all old top I said a little more of this he said and I shall sneak quietly off to the river and end it all do you mean to say you go through this sort of thing every night birdie and enjoy it it's simply infernal I was just snatching a wink of sleep behind the bill of fare just now when about a million yelling girls swooped down with toy balloons there are two orchestras here each trying to see if they can't play louder than the other I'm a mental and physical wreck when your telegram arrived I was just lying down for a quiet pipe with a sense of absolute peace stealing over me I had to get dressed and sprint two miles to catch the train it nearly gave me heart failure and on top of that I almost got brain fever inventing lies to tell Aunt Isabelle and then I had to cram myself into these confounded evening clothes of yours I gave a sharp wail of agony it hadn't struck me till then that Rocky was depending on my wardrobe to see him through you will ruin them I hope so said Rocky in the most unpleasant way his troubles seem to have had the worst effect on his character I should like to get back at them somehow they've given me a bad enough time there are about three sizes too small and something's apt to give at any moment I wish to goodness it would and give me a chance to breathe I haven't breathed since half past seven thank heaven Jeeves managed to get out and buy me a collar that fitted or I should be a strangled corpse by now it was touch and go to the stud broke Bertie, this is pure Hades and Isabelle keeps urging me to dance how on earth can I dance when I don't know a soul to dance with and how on earth can I dance when I don't know a soul to dance with and how the deuce could I even if I knew every girl in the place it's taking big chances even to move in these trousers I had to tell her I've hurt my ankle she keeps asking me when Cohen and Stone are going to turn up and it's simply a question of time before she discovers that Stone is sitting two tables away something's got to be done Bertie you've got to think up some way of getting me out of this mess it was you who got me into it me? what do you mean? well, Jeeves then it's all the same it was you who suggested leaving it to Jeeves it was those letters I wrote from his notes that did the mischief I made them too good my aunt's just been telling me about it she says she had resigned herself to ending her life where she was and then my letters began to arrive describing the joys of New York and they stimulated her to such an extent that she pulled herself together and made the trip she seems to think she's had some miraculous kind of faith cure I tell you I can't stand it Bertie it's got to end can't Jeeves think of anything? no he just hangs around saying most disturbing sir fat lot of help that is well, old lad, I said after all it's far worse for me than it is for you you've got a comfortable home and Jeeves and you're saving a lot of money saving money what do you mean saving money why the allowance your aunt was giving you I suppose she's paying all the expenses now isn't she certainly she is but she stopped the allowance she wrote the lawyers tonight she says that now she's in New York there's no necessity for it to go on as we shall always be together and it's simpler for her to look after that end of it I tell you Bertie I've examined the darn cloud with a microscope and if it's got a silver lining it's some little December but rocky old top it's too bally awful you've no notion of what I'm going through in this beastly hotel without Jeeves I must get back to the flat don't come near the flat but it's my own flat I can't help that Aunt Isabelle doesn't like you she asked me what you did for a living and when I told her you didn't do anything she said she thought as much that you were a typical specimen of a useless and decaying aristocracy so if you think you've made a hit forget it now I must be going back or she'll be coming out here after me goodbye it was all so home-like when he floated noiselessly into the room that I nearly broke down good morning sir he said I have brought a few more of your personal belongings he began to unstrap the suitcase he was carrying did you have any trouble sneaking them away? it was not easy sir I had to watch my chance Miss Rock-Mettler is a remarkably alert lady you know Jeeves say what you like this is a bit thick isn't it? the situation is certainly one that has never before come under my notice sir I have brought the heather mixture suit as the climatic conditions are congenial tomorrow if not prevented I will endeavour to add the brown lounge with a faint green twill it can't go on this sort of thing Jeeves we must hope for the best sir you can't think of anything to do I have been giving the matter considerable thought sir but so far without success I am placing three silk shirts the dove coloured, the light blue and the mauve in the first long drawer sir you don't mean to say you can't think of anything Jeeves for the moment sir no you will find a dozen handkerchiefs and the ten socks in the upper drawer on the left he strapped the suitcase and put it on a chair a curious lady Miss Rock-Mettler sir you understated Jeeves he gazed meditatively out of the window in many ways sir Miss Rock-Mettler reminds me of an aunt of my who resides in the southeast portion of London their temperaments are much alike my aunt has the same taste for the pleasures of the great city it is a passion with her to ride in handsome cabs sir whenever the family takes their eyes off her she escapes from the house and spends the day riding about in cabs on several occasions she is broken into the children's savings bank to secure the means to enable her to gratify this desire I love to have these little chats with you about your female relatives Jeeves I said coldly for I felt the man had let me down and I was fed up with him but I don't see what all this has got to do with my trouble I beg your pardon sir I'm leaving a small assortment of neckties on the mantelpiece sir for you to select according to your preference I should recommend the blue with the red domino pattern sir then he streamed imperceptibly toward the door and flowed silently out I've often heard that chappies after some great shock or loss have a habit after they've been on the floor for a while wondering what hit them of picking themselves up and piecing themselves together and sort of taking a whirl at beginning a new life time the great healer and nature adjusting yourself and so on and so forth there's a lot in it I know because in my case after a day or two of what you might call frustration I began to recover the frightful loss of Jeeves made any thought of pleasure more or less a mockery but at least I found that I was able to have a dash at enjoying life again what I mean is I braced up to the extent of going round the cabarets once more so as to try to forget if only for the moment New York's a small place when it comes to the part of it that wakes up just as the rest is going to bed and it wasn't long before my tracks began to cross old Rockies I saw him once at Peel's and again at Frolic's on the roof there wasn't anybody with him either time except the aunt and though he was trying to look as though he had struck the idea life it wasn't difficult for me knowing the circumstances to see that beneath the mask the poor chap was suffering my heart bled for the fellow at least what there was of it that wasn't bleeding for myself bled for him he had the air of one who was about to crack under the strain it seemed to me that the aunt was looking slightly upset also I took it that she was beginning to wonder when the celebrities were going to surge round and what had suddenly become of all those wild careless spirits Rocky used to mix in with his letters I didn't blame her I had only read a couple of his letters but they certainly gave the impression that poor old Rocky was by way of being the hub of New York nightlife and that if by any chance he failed to show up at a cabaret the management said what's the use and put up the shutters the next two nights I didn't come across them but the night after that I was sitting by myself at the Maison-Pierre when somebody tapped me on the shoulder blade and I found Rocky standing beside me with a sort of mixed expression of wistfulness and apoplexy on his face how the chappy had contrived to wear my evening clothes so many times without disaster was a mystery to me he confided later that early in the proceedings he had slit the waistcoat up the back and that that had helped a bit for a moment I had the idea that he had managed to get away from his aunt for the evening but looking past him I saw that she was in again she was at a table over by the wall looking at me as if I were something the management ought to be complained to about Bertie old scout said Rocky in a quiet sort of crushed voice we've always been pals haven't we I mean you know I do you a good turn if you asked me dear old lad I said the man had moved me then for heaven's sake come over and sit at our table for the rest of the evening well you know there are limits to the sacred claims of friendship my dear chap I said you know I do anything in reason but you must come Bertie you've got to something's got to be done to divert her mind she's brooding about something she's been like that for the last two days I think she's beginning to suspect she can't understand why we never seem to meet anyone I know at these joints a few nights ago I happened to run into two newspaper men I used to know fairly well I introduced them to Aunt Isabelle as David Belasco and Jim Corbett and it went well but the effect has worn off now and she's beginning to wonder again something's got to be done or she will find out everything and if she does I take a nickel for my chance of getting a cent from her later on so for the love of Mike come across to our table and help keep things going I went along one has to rally round a pal in distress Aunt Isabelle was sitting bolt upright as usual it certainly did seem as if she had lost a bit of a zest with which she had started out to explore Broadway she looked as if she had been thinking a good deal about rather unpleasant things you've met Bertie Wooster and Isabelle said Rocky I have there was something in her eye that seemed to say out of a city of six million people why did you pick on me take a seat Bertie what do you have said Rocky and so the merry party began it was one of those jolly happy bread crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak and then decide not to say it after all after we had had an hour of this wild dissipation Aunt Isabelle said she wanted to go home in the light of what Rocky had been telling me this struck me as sinister I had gathered that at the beginning of her visit she had had to be dragged home with ropes it must have hit Rocky the same way for he gave me a pleading look you'll come along won't you Bertie and have a drink at the flat I had a feeling that this wasn't in the contract but there wasn't anything to be done it seemed brutal to leave the poor chap alone with the woman so I went along right from the start from the moment we stepped into the taxi the feeling began to grow that something was about to break loose a massive silence prevailed in the corner where the aunt sat and though Rocky balancing himself on the little seat in front did his best to supply dialogue we weren't a chatty party I had a glimpse of Jeeves as we went into the flat sitting in his lair and I wished I could have called him to rally round something told me that I was about to need him the stuff was on the table in the sitting-room Rocky took up the decanter say when Bertie stop barked the aunt and he dropped it I caught Rocky's eye as he stooped to pick up the ruins it was the eye of one who sees it coming leave it there rock metallur said aunt Isabel and Rocky left it there the time has come to speak she said I cannot stand idly by and see a young man going to perdition poor old Rocky gave a sort of gurgle a kind of sound rather like the whiskey had made running out of the decanter onto my carpet eh? he said blinking the aunt proceeded the fault she said was mine I had not seen the light but now my eyes are open I see the hideous mistake I have made by urging you into contact with this wicked city I saw Rocky grope feebly for the table his fingers touched it and a look of relief came into the poor chappy's face I understood his feelings but when I wrote you that letter rock metallur instructing you to go to the city and live its life I had not had the privilege of hearing Mr. Mundy speak on the subject of New York Jimmy Mundy I cried you know how it is sometimes when everything seems all mixed up and suddenly you get a clue when she mentioned Jimmy Mundy I began to understand more or less what had happened I had seen it happen before I remember back in England the man I had before Jeeves sneaked off to a meeting on his evening out and came back and denounced me in front of a crowd of chappies I was giving a bit of supper to as a moral leper the aunt gave me a withering up and down yes Jimmy Mundy she said I am surprised at a man of your stamp having heard of him there is no music there are no drunken dancing men there are no shameless flaunting women at his meetings so for you they would have no attraction but for others less dead in sin he has his message he has come to save New York from itself to force it in his picturesque phrase to hit the trail it was three days ago rock metallur that I first heard him it was an accident that took me to his meeting how often in this life a mere accident may shape your whole future you have been called away by that telephone message from Mr. Belasco so you could not take me to the hippodrome as we had arranged I asked to our manservant Jeeves to take me there the man has very little intelligence he seemed to have misunderstood me I am thankful that he did he took me to what I subsequently learned was Madison Square Garden where Mr. Mundy is holding his meetings he escorted me to a seat and then left me and it was not till the meeting had begun that I discovered the mistake which had been made my seat was in the middle of a row I could not leave without inconveniencing a great many people so I remained she gulped rock metallur I have never been so thankful for anything else Mr. Mundy was wonderful he was like some prophet of old scourging the sins of the people he leaped about in a frenzy of inspiration until I feared he would do himself an injury sometimes he expressed himself in a somewhat odd manner but every word carried conviction he showed me New York in its true colors he showed me the vanity and wickedness of sitting in gilded haunts of vise eating lobster when decent people should be in bed he said that the tango and the foxtrot were devices of the devil to drag people down into the bottomless pit he said that there was more sin in ten minutes with a negro banjo orchestra than all the ancient revels of Nineveh and Babylon and when he stood on one leg and pointed right where I was sitting and shouted this means you I could have sunk through the floor I came away a changed woman surely you must have noticed the change in me rock metallur you must have seen that I was no longer the careless thoughtless person who had urged you to dance in places of wickedness Rocky was holding on to the table as if it was his only friend yes he stammered I thought something was wrong wrong something was right everything was right rock metallur it is not too late for you to be saved you have only sipped of the evil cup you have not drained it it will be hard at first but you will find that you can do it it is not hard against the glamour and fascination of this dreadful city won't you, for my sake, try rock metallur won't you go back to the country tomorrow and begin the struggle little by little if you use your will I can't help thinking it must have been the word will that roused dear old Rocky like a trumpet call it must have brought home to him the realization that a miracle had come off and saved him from being cut out of Aunt Isabelle's at any rate as she said it he perked up let go of the table and faced her with gleaming eyes do you want me to go back to the country Aunt Isabelle yes not to live in the country yes rock metallur stay in the country all the time do you mean never to come to New York yes rock metallur I mean just that it's the only way only there can you be safe from temptation will you do it rock metallur will you for my sake Rocky grabbed the table again he seemed to draw a lot of encouragement from that table I will he said jeeves I said it was the next day and I was back in the old flat lying in the old armchair with my feet upon the good old table I had just come from seeing dear old Rocky off to his country cottage and an hour before he had seen his aunt off whatever Hamlet it was that she was the curse of so we were alone at last jeeves there's no place like home what very true sir the jolly old roof tree and all that sort of thing what precisely sir I lit another cigarette jeeves sir do you know at one point in the business I really thought you were baffled indeed sir when did you get the idea of taking Miss Rock metallur to the meeting it was pure genius thank you sir it came to me a little suddenly one morning when I was thinking of my aunt sir your aunt the handsome cab one yes sir I recollected that whenever we observed one of her attacks coming on we used to send for the clergyman of the parish we always found that if he talked to her a while of higher things it diverted her mind from the handsome cabs it occurred to me that the same treatment might prove efficacious in the case of Miss Rock metallur I was stunned by the man's resource it's brain I said pure brain what do you do to get like that jeeves I mean you must eat a lot of fish or something do you eat a lot of fish jeeves no sir well then it's just a gift I take it and if you aren't born that way there's no use worrying precisely sir said jeeves if I might make the suggestion sir I should not continue to wear your presence tie the green shade gives you a slightly billious air I should strongly advocate the blue with the red domino pattern instead sir all right jeeves I said humbly you know the end of my man jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse