 Good health to all from Rexall! It's the Phil Harris Alice Fay show presented by the makers of Rexall drug products and 10,000 independent Rexall family druggists. Good evening. This is your Rexall family druggist with a welcome from all 10,000 of us. The 10,000 independent druggists who have added the word Rexall to our own store names and placed the famous orange and blue Rexall sign on our windows. We've done that because we believe in the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company and we confidently recommend them to our customers. There's Rexall's milk of Magnesia, for example. The milk of Magnesia that's so mild, so creamy, smooth and free from unpleasant earthy taste, even children can taste the difference. Quality like that of Rexall milk of Magnesia is what we family druggists are talking about when we tell you you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Good health to all from Rexall! And now your Rexall family druggist brings you the Phil Harris Alice Fay show written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, yours truly Bill Foreman and starring Alice Fay and Phil Harris. Like a lot of men, Phil hates to answer correspondence. Alice is constantly after him to take care of his mail and today she's finally forced him to sit down and read some of his accumulated letters. Phil, you ought to be ashamed the way you neglect your mail. Some of these letters have been here for years, not even opened. Don't exaggerate. I open my mail as soon as I get it. You do, huh? Here's one from Washington marked official business. Let me see that. Greetings, you're hereby ordered to report to your induction center. I answered this one. I was in the Navy in 1943. This one's from 1917. Oh, that must be for Dad. All these letters aren't for me. Here's one for you. What does it say? Well, let me see. Oh, it's from the Bank of America and it says, Dear Miss Fay, we appreciate your daily deposits, but please stop already. You're overcrowding our vault. Honey, I'm a busy man. Do I have to go through all this stuff? Oh, you won't after today. I put in an ad in this morning's paper for a secretary for you. Well, I don't need a secretary. Yeah. I could use one of them cute little gals to kind of... Hold it, Wonga. That's not what you're getting. I advertise for a man secretary. A man secretary? Pull yourself together, Hilda. You're making noises like a wife now. What's the matter with you? Don't you trust me? Oh, of course I do. If you insist on a woman secretary, it's okay with me. I'll get you a sweet, charming, middle-aged spinster. That ain't gonna do it. Look, I want a young girl my own age. A young girl your age? Let's face it, Curly, there ain't no such animal. Besides, I've practically hired a man already. And Mr. Sweeney called this morning. He sounded very efficient. I told him to come over for an interview. But, honey, a girl can be just as efficient. If you think I'm gonna take an old man when I... Hiya, Curly. Oh, hello, Frankie. Hey, good morning. I'm glad you're here. Look, you can settle an argument, honey. Now, if you were hiring a secretary and you had a choice between an efficient old man or a pretty young girl, which would you choose? Well, that's not a choice. That's just a stupid question. Now, you see, Alice, Frankie agrees with me. Of course. Guy would be a fool to choose a pretty young girl when he can get an efficient old man. Business efficiency is the prime requisite in the administration of the customary protocol. Well, if I'd known you were coming, I'd have baked a dictionary. What's all the secretary talk about? Who needs one? Well, Alice feels that I need one because I can't answer my mail. Why hire a secretary? Just go to night school and learn how to write. I know how to write. Write me something. All right. Now, look, Alice, let me tell you something, young lady. I happen to be the boss of this house, and I've decided that I don't want a male secretary. I'm hiring a girl, and that's final. I'm putting my foot down. Well, I'm glad you're putting it down. You look awfully silly standing there on one foot. Quiet, please. Excuse me, I have an errand to do. I have to go next door and borrow a cup of axle grease. I'll see you later. Alice, you're not telling me what I'm... A cup of axle grease. Guess she ran out of Crisco. Alice, come back here. Yes? What kind of an exit line was that? Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I guess I've been standing out in the rain too long. What rain? The rain from the song of the same name. Oh, you little trickster you. Let us cuddle in the rain. Hit of patters on the paint. And we're alone. A chance to while away. A dreamy afternoon. A lovely peaceful afternoon. No one can see us. It's so cozy in the rain. There's no reason to complain. Let us cuddle in the rain. Hit of patters on the paint. A chance to while away. A dreamy afternoon. No one can see us. It's so cozy in the rain. There's no reason to complain. No one can see us. It's so cozy in the rain. There's no reason to complain. It's cheese with you kissing in the rain. I'll go next door. And don't forget, Phil. You're not having a girl secretary. You're having a man. Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Let's search yourself. If you don't want a male secretary, don't hire one. You're right, Remli. I won't hire a man. Uh-oh. That's probably the guy now. Let's give it to him. Let's get rid of him. I think we can discourage him. Oh, how do you do? My name is Robert Q. Sweeney. I'm here for the job. What job? The one you told me about on the phone, Mrs. Harris. Oh, this boy's off to a great start. I got news for you, kid. I'm Mr. Harris. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. With these new short haircuts women have, it's hard to tell. I get kind of confused. I can understand that. A very embarrassing thing happened to me a few months back. I went with a girl for two weeks, and it wasn't until I kissed her that I found out it was her father. That must have been very disappointing. Yeah. What I thought was hot lips turned out to be a cheap cigar. Righto. All right, Remly, you can drop the net now. So long, Sweeney. Don't forget to say hello to Governor. Keep in touch with us, Sweeney. If you haven't managed to get an arm loose, drop us a line. Goodbye. Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Mrs. Harris said she wanted to interview me about the job, and I'm not going to budge until I talk to her. Hey, Curly, we better interview this guy and get him out of here fast before Alice sees him. Yeah, she'll probably think he's cute. Sweeney, on second thought, we'll interview you. After all, you'll be working for our firm. What firm? What firm? Harrison Remly incorporated the world's largest manufacturers of fireproof moustache cups. And stainless steel codfish balls. Fireproof moustache cups? I never heard of anything like that. Stainless steel codfish balls you heard of, huh? You're going to love our new line, ball bearing flapjacks. By the way, Mr. Remly, how are our flapjacks doing lately? Great. They're selling like hotcakes. That's a pretty lousy joke. You fellas don't mind. I'd rather talk to Mrs. Harris. Phil, did that man show up for the job yet? Oh, Remly, quick, shove him in that clothes closet. Shove him in there till I get rid of Alice. If you want to talk to Mrs. Harris, Mr. Sweeney, just step in this other room for a minute. Right this way. Atta boy. Man, we got him in that closet just in time. I thought I heard a strange voice out here. Did that man show up for the job yet? You don't see him, do you? Well, when he does show up, tell him to wait for me. I'm going next door to borrow a glass of paint thinner. I'll be right back. Okay, honey, I'll catch you when he... Glass of paint thinner? First it was axle grease and now it's paint thinner. Remly, what are you supposed she has in mind? I don't know. But I ain't going to stay for dinner. Look, do me a favor, will you? Now, while she's gone, let's get Sweeney out of that clothes closet and get rid of him. Will you help? Hey, Sweeney, Sweeney, you can come on out now. Ah, that's a nice room in there. Doesn't get much sun, but it's cozy. Mr. Harris, I hope you don't think I'm a pig, but while I was waiting in there, I practically finished that whole box of mentholated bonbons. Mentholated bon... Remly's been eating them off balls. What'll we do? When I finish them, we'll get them a job breathing on overcoat. There's a scarcity of men with mothball, bro. All right, all right, I'm all up with you now. That's fine. How are we going to get rid of this guy? Frighten him. How? Sing at him. That ought to scare the mothballs at him. Mr. Paul and Silas, and it's good enough for me. Show me that place by the river. That place by the river. Show me that place by the river on Jordan's sunny shore. What saved Daniel from the lions? Saved Daniel from the lions. What helped Daniel rid the lions? He can start and tell and be. Well, it was that old-time religion. That old-time religion. Yes, that old-time religion. And it's good enough for me. It helped Daniel rid the lions. It helped to set them free. Well, if it's good enough for Danny, it's good enough for me. So give me that old-time religion. That old-time religion. Give me that old-time religion. It's good enough for me. I'll be listening for Gabriel. Listening for Gabriel. I'll be listening for Gabriel to blow on Judgment Day. What helped David rid the lions? What helped David rid the lions? What helped David slay the lions? What helped David set them free? Well, that old-time religion. That old-time religion. That old-time religion. Yes, that old-time religion. It's good enough for me. And if it's good enough for Davey, then it's good enough for me. Give me that old time religion, religion, old time religion, religion, old time religion. It's good enough for me. Now what rescued brother Jonah? What rescued brother Jonah? What was it, say, no Jonah, from the belly of the whale? It was that old time religion, religion, old time religion. Yes, that old time religion. It's never known to fail. It's said Jonah from the whale. Yes, enough to set him free. And if it's good enough for Jonah, then it's good enough for me. So give me that old time religion, religion, old time religion, religion, old time religion. It's good enough for me. Give me that old time religion, religion, old time religion, religion, old time religion. It's good enough for me. I want that old time religion, that old time religion. Give me that old time religion. It's good enough for... He's still here. I guess he didn't hear you. Oh yes, I picked him up on my hearing aid. You came through splendidly, Mr. Harris. Yes, Mr. Harris has a high hooper on the sonotone. Now look, Sweeney, I don't want to... Oh no, there's the bell. That's probably some other guy answering the ad. Frankie, I'll sneak Sweeney out the back and you answer the front door. Hurry up. Yeah. Come on, Sweeney. We're going bye-bye. Oh, good. Can we go to the pony ride? Yeah! Now remember, Remly, if anybody comes after that job, get rid of them, because I don't want no secretary. Yeah, okay, Curly. I'll brush him off fast. I'm coming. I'm sorry, but we can't use you. We don't need no secretary. Not even me? Well... You can throw away my guitar, mother. I found something better to hold on my lap. What can I do for you, honey? Well, I'm hearing an answer to the ad Mrs. Harris had in the paper for a secretary. Mrs. Harris wants a man. Who doesn't? You intrigue me, miss. Come on in. Thank you. I know the ad called for a man, but I thought I might get the job because I'm a very confident secretary. Any fool can see that. Now then, what is your name, dear? Clyde. That's my last name. My first name is Myrtle. Do you have any references? Oh, I'm afraid not. All I have is a few pictures of me in a bathing suit. Here you are. Well, honey, I won't do any good. I can't tell from these if you... What lovely references. Do you think I'll qualify for the job? I'm sure you will, but let's not be hasty. I'm a cautious businessman. I'll have to give you the secretary aptitude test. What's that? When I blow this whistle, you start running around that desk. What's the test? I run around after you, and if you get winded before I do, you get the job. Mind your mark. Get set. You're being silly. If you were to chase me around that desk, I wouldn't run away. You wouldn't? What would you do? Well, you see this hat pin? Yeah. Well, I'm not wearing a hat, and I'd have to put it something. You're fighting me. Do I get the job? Of course you do, my dear. I'm sure things will work out. Good, good. Now come on in and meet your new secretary. Frankie, I told you I don't want no secretary. But I'll be such a big help to you. I don't care. I don't need a help! Bowie! Hey, Remly, what's all this? This is the secretary Alice advertised for. I don't think this is what Alice had in mind. Oh, but she's a good secretary. I don't care. Get Luella Laugh Warmer out of here. Now, Curly, you're not being fair. Just because this girl happens to be pretty doesn't mean she isn't capable. You should see this kid's references. Please, gentlemen, don't fight over me. If you don't want me, I'll leave. I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do. But I guess nobody cares. Well, now, now, Miss, please don't do that. I... This kid cries pretty good. Let me have just a little more of that money. She's living it up now. That's news for you. You don't have to cry, kid. Now, please stop bawling because I've got news for you. You can have the job. I can't. Oh, you're a darling. That's all right. But you're the nicest old man I've ever met. What do you mean, old man? I'm just a youth. In fact, it was only last week that Mother bought me my first pair of long pants. Do you like them? Very much. They cover your varicose veins. You're so nice to give me the job, and I'd like to show my appreciation. May I kiss your cheek? Would it make you happy, my dear? I just have to show my appreciation there. Now, Shreese and... Ah-ha-ha-ha! Now, wait a minute, Julius. Run up, I said, to the right gossip column. Now, Julius, I tell you, there's nothing wrong with this. Quiet! I can see the headline now. What pretty young thing was found when I showed up to her? Now, what are you talking about? I ain't done nothing. Nothing, he says. I should have hoped it would. What cooking? All I did was hire my secretary, and she was so grateful that she gave me a little kiss on the cheek. I like my voice and better. It's got more reader impact, more social significance, and a higher retail value. Oh, Julius, the whole thing is innocent. What are you trying to do, kid? Start trouble? Yeah! It won't work. Alice ain't going to believe no stories you tell her. She has implicit trust in me. And justly so, because in our eight years of marriage, I can safely say that we have been married eight years. I don't want to cause trouble. Perhaps I'd better leave. Stay where you are, my pet. I won't hesitate to introduce you to Mrs. Harris. Because my little woman ain't got a jealous bone in her body. And I assure you that... Mrs. Winnie and Rod yet nanted her. Well, who is this? Oh, this, oh darling, I want you to meet Julius Abruzio. He's the new grocery boy. Mr. Abruzio, this is my wife, Mrs. Harris. She's been with me for some time now. Oh, I know. Who is that? That? Oh, that's Frankie Remley. Phil Harris, who is this? I'm running out of people. I think she's got your corner, Curly. Not yet. Darling, I want you to meet my new secretary, Mr. Sweeney. This guy never gives up. How do you do, Mrs. Harris? But my name isn't Sweeney. It's Clyde. That's right, honey. You see, it was Clyde. I thought maybe, honey, that a girl's secretary would be better. The least we can do is to give the girl a chance. Well, I'm fair-minded. If you want the job, Mrs. Clyde, you can have it. Oh, thank you, Mrs. Harris. When do I start and what are my duties? Oh, it's a very easy job. The hours are from 8 in the morning until 12 midnight, seven days a week. You get 20 minutes for lunch once a week. You also get every other Christmas off, and if there's any overtime work to be done, you can do it on your own time. Any questions? How about money? Oh, no, thanks. You'll be doing enough for us already. Hey, little woman, don't have a jealous bone in her body, eh, girl? Her bones are very un-jealous. They just happen to be covered with jealous fat. Alice, you're not being fair to this little girl. No, she's a very efficient secretary. She has wonderful references. Go ahead, Mrs. Clyde, show my wife your references. That ain't gonna help, Curly. I guess I'm not wanted around here, so I'll leave. Thank you, and goodbye. Clydey, dear, don't go. Don't leave me just when we're beginning to know each other. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going. Well, at least leave me something to remember you by, a little trinket, a lock of your hair. Or better yet, have your references blown up with 23 copies. She's gone. Poor kid's feelings were hurt. Certainly. Alice, you were horrid. Poor child's on the verge of tears. She needed this job, and that must be her again. She probably hasn't got car fare home, and I'm gonna give it to her. Here's a dollar, honey. Take a cab home. I'll need 250, dear. I live in Glendale. What are you doing back here, Sweeney? Well, I left my cap in that other room. Oh, are you the Mr. Sweeney I spoke to on the phone? Oh, you must be Mrs. Harris. I hope you'll give me that job. I'm a very good secretary. I've had four years of college, two years of business school, and I've held several very important jobs. You're just what we're looking for, Mr. Sweeney. You're hired. Alice, Alice, just... Please, we can't hire him. He's a nut. He eats mothballs, and for three months, he was engaged to his girlfriend's father. They'll stop making things up. Mrs. Sweeney, Mr. Sweeney, report for work tomorrow morning. Oh, you won't regret hiring me, Mrs. Harris. I'm a peachy typist, and I'm alert and keen and always on my toes. Goodbye. See you tomorrow, Mr. Sweeney. Oh, oh, by the way, I almost forgot something very important. How is your shorthand? Oh, it's growing nicely, thank you. See you bright and early. And I tell you... Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment. Right now, here's your Rexall family drug. Last week, a customer said to me... I wish I knew some way to be sure I'm getting enough vitamins. Some way that's easy. Yes, and inexpensive, too. Oh, ma'am, millions of people know how to do that. They take plenamins, Rexall's popular multivitamin capsules. Plenamins cost only a few pennies a day, and yet they give you more than your daily minimum requirement of every vitamin for which such requirements have been established. Plus, valuable liver concentrate and iron. And that's not me talking, ma'am. That's an iron-clad guarantee from Rexall scientists. But just how are they able to guarantee that? Because they measure the vitamin content of plenamins with scientific accuracy. Take vitamin C, for example. A plenamins capsule is dissolved in solution, and then a bluish dye is added in minute quantities and very, very slowly. The dye combines with the vitamin C in the capsule and changes its color. Now, this is continued until the dye begins to overcome the vitamin C and slightly color the solution. Thus, the amount of dye the solution has absorbed becomes an accurate measurement of the amount of vitamin C in the capsule. No wonder you family druggists sound so confident when you tell us. You can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Well, it's more than a slogan. It's a fact. Good help to you all from Rexall. We're a little late, so good night, everyone, and thanks.