 Hello, my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back. I just need you to know what the background noise is gonna be Must destroy. She kills these these toys in about five minutes and they cost like five dollars So it's like a dollar a minute for my puppy dog to have fun But we keep humoring her because she's just so damn cute I talk a decent amount on this channel about mental health and I've mentioned more than once how I deal with depression and Anxiety and PTSD and some days are better than others and on the days that are good I look back on the days that are bad and I'm like what was I thinking what was I feeling like that's so extreme That's so severe like why would I think or feel those things because I'm fine and then the next day comes around and The world is a dark Hopeless place that I cannot breathe in that I'm suffocating in it's a bizarre roller coaster to ride But it's the one that I'm currently strapped into and I haven't found a way to exit this ride just yet So here we are but I want to talk about the one thought There is one very specific thought that wrecks me that Brings me into so much darkness quicker than anything else, and I think it's something that many of us who have experienced such Things have felt and so I'd like to share it with you in the hopes that maybe you know that you aren't alone If you felt this way. What is this invasion? We talked about this We talked about the fact that mommy's filming when mommy's filming puppies should make more noise than usual That seems to be the message they got out of the conversation that we had this week This is gonna be a little bit of a convoluted story, but stick with me earlier this week My second channel called trauma talk got monetized, which is really cool because it's been Two and a half years of really hard work to get there And I'm really proud of the 3,500 subscribers I have over there even though this channel is more successful in quotes whatever success means to different people on YouTube as I was going back through all of the videos that I have on trauma talk You have to like individually monetize them, right? And I came across one from like a year and a half ago where I was saying things that I'm saying now That I feel now fear that it will never change that I'm always going to feel this way no matter what I do The feeling of feeling so alien and so different from other people even though I think I'm very skilled at fitting in I'm very skilled at being around people and acting like I'm normal and okay I listened to me speak in that video I think was actually closer to like two years ago that I recorded that video and it just sent my heart plummeting to the floor Because I was like oh oh fuck that was two years ago and I have put in a significant amount of work since then I've gone to a lot of counseling. I've done good things for my mental health since then and I Feel exactly the same if not worse and that's the thought that will wreck me That is the thought that will push me towards the edge faster than anything on this planet is This feeling this thought or this what I feel like is a knowledge Suddenly in some moments that things will never change that it's always gonna feel like this no matter what I try And if you aren't someone who's dealt with depression in particular what I mean by feeling like this is just this Constant disconnection this constant pain. It's like physical pain as well as emotional pain while also being completely Numb it's a literal minute-by-minute struggle to try to be a person to try to do anything I'm very aware of what I need to do what I want to do what I should do or shouldn't do or you know, whatever But it's so impossible to do those things. It's so difficult to find motivation or to find words or Stability is such a fleeting thought it seems like a sick joke And I know that I mentioned this in a video before where I talked about depression but when I'm in these places Looking into the future and picturing my perfect reality like where everything that I want that I'm working for comes true I lose the ability to imagine a world in which I feel differently right now sitting here I can imagine everything that I want. I can imagine living on Yay emotions I can imagine living on a hundred acres somewhere in the mountains maybe with a couple horses and all the rescue dogs that need homes and chickens and my husband and being able to travel to give speeches about what I really really passionately care about and hopefully affect change and help people feel less alone and Right have good friendships, and I imagine those continuing. I can see that It's not a lack of seeing the future But when I see that when I picture myself on the stages that I'm working hard to get on when I picture myself Sitting in a cute little farmhouse. She literally always knows when I'm not okay. Look at this beautiful present that she's brought me She's like no, it's not actually for you mommy. She just wants to help. I'm okay Don't spill the coffee when I picture myself sitting in a farmhouse drinking coffee with these little monsters and Looking out over a peaceful landscape places like that like they bring me such a sense of peace I can't imagine the rock in my chest being gone like in my perfect reality. I Can't imagine a way to shake it. I am so sincerely terrified it will never change and I've been aware of Mental health and the desperate need in my life to pay attention to it I've been aware of the fact that I've gone through significant trauma And I need to work through it to make it I've been aware of the things that help and the things that hurt and how to move forward and how to be you know I've been I've been aware for about eight years now I've been on a journey of trying to put myself back together And I think it's less putting myself back together, but trying to create a reality than I can exist in for eight years and So many things have changed so many things have gotten better Especially when it comes to PTSD, which was is agonizing But it's gotten much more about bearable like I've learned so many coping skills Symptoms are better. They don't last as long so on and so forth But at the end of the day, I still feel like I'm bleeding out inside and when that thought hits of it's never going to change I'm always going to feel like this That is when all of the doors start shutting in my mind when I get to dangerous mental places And what I'm going to say next is for me if it resonates with you good if it doesn't just leave it I'm not giving it as like advice, right? It's just something that hit me this week and it's been helping me There's a song by my favorite artist Lewis Capoli that was just released that is called before you go And if you listen to it, it could be a breakup song But I sincerely think it's a song about someone who has lost their life to suicide I think it's a song to a friend like before you go The lyrics are things like was there something that I could have said to make it all stop hurting It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless Because I spend so much time thinking about all of this not from just a personal perspective But as someone who's very passionate about improving mental health across our country across our world It's something that brings me joy when I'm not actively Suffering under the weight of it. I think sometimes I think that I know all the things to try or I know all the possible answers It was so much information readily available It's easy to Google things and be like here are the things you should try or here are the things that you should do that work Or you know fill in the blank and I've tried so many of them that I think Sometimes they get really arrogant and thinking that I know the answers for myself or I know the things that I should try And I know the things that would work I know the things that wouldn't work even if I haven't tried them and what hit me After listening to the song for whatever reason was that I haven't heard all the combinations of words That someone could say to me not that words fix things But I haven't done that songs like the one I'm talking about have often Influenced my healing in a significant way. I haven't listened to every song that's ever been written that could do something I read a lot of books on this kind of stuff I haven't come close to tapping the surface of all the material that's out there to read I have traveled to all of two Foreign countries of the well over a hundred that exist on our planet. I haven't drawn all the pictures in the world I haven't tried all the colors of paint that I could find. I haven't sung in front of an audience and embraced one of my biggest fears I haven't listened and engaged with everyone's story in the world not that anyone ever could But I guess what I'm trying to say is in those moments when I get to those incredibly dark dangerous places where I'm like It's never gonna change. It's literally never gonna change. I'm never gonna find a way to dig this rock out of my chest I've tried for like, you know eight years now and yeah, some things have changed but it hasn't really it hasn't really shifted and Clearly I've tried so many things that I know everything, right? No, I don't and I feel like an abbreviated form of this advice is sometimes what people throw at you When you say that you're struggling with suicidal thoughts or that you're having a hard time They're like well you haven't tried everything and that's not what I'm trying to say here I'm just saying that for me. It really hit me today and and this week that this world is such a huge place It is huge. It is vast. There are endless possibilities Especially in the day and ages that we live in. For instance when I when I traveled to Ireland There's a place called Kenmare Bay Here at the edge of the Kenmare River. It's technically a bay. The damn English apparently messed that up But I'm hoping to see a seal or an otter Think I slept in too late for that but regardless, this is I feel like I should stop talking because it It's beautiful and peaceful and quiet and perfect and I stood at the water Surrounded by nature and silence and for the first time in oh, I don't know maybe a decade I felt at rest and I wouldn't have felt that if I hadn't traveled there then I'm really curious how loud my dogs Chewing is gonna be on camera. It's puppy ASMR. Maybe it's what we're gonna classify it as I have no idea What my future looks like and I don't want to rob myself of that. You don't know What your future looks like as sure as we often are that we do don't rob yourself of that either There are so many ways to find purpose. There are so many ways To find healing from the things that we're suffering from and hurting from. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of looking I'm tired, but when we're tired, we're allowed to rest Being tired doesn't mean you have to throw in the towel and give up and be like well It's never ever gonna change because because I'm exhausted from trying if you've ever had that thought that horrifying thought of Sincerely, what if it never changes and when that starts to feel true that it's never gonna change I would really encourage you to do something to help yourself Find a way out of that thought because I know that in my own life That's brought me to more dangerous places than anything else whether that's talking to someone who understands whether that's Trying something whether that's journaling or singing or screaming or sobbing or taking a day away from society Or taking a day to completely engage in society Whatever it is Change is very very possible. In fact, I'm pretty sure that there is a line that people say that I can't remember the exact words of that goes something like the only thing we can know for certain is that things will always change We don't stay static our bodies don't stay static the world doesn't stay static things are constantly moving and changing and Sometimes that in itself is overwhelming to think about but in the moments that I am overwhelmed by the idea that this will never change I will always feel this way. I'm gonna continue to remind myself that I'm wrong I'm gonna continue to remind myself that I live in a very small piece of the world I've tried a few things. I haven't tried everything not even freaking close It is a really big world out there as hard as humans have tried we can't know the future for better or worse and I Will continue to choose to believe that there is a possibility That this rock in my chest that hurts and never seems to move will one day shift I believe the same is true for you, too If this is something that you are dealing with if this is something you have felt Sophie believes it too She told me so herself with her little cute little eyeballs and now Which is very fitting. I'm gonna head off to counseling to talk about some of this stuff with a professional Who can guide me through this better than I can ever hope to do so myself? This isn't exactly the best video to introduce it in but I do have a race going on with my friend Erin from life of Paulos. I need to get to 200,000 subscribers before he gets to 250,000 subscribers Otherwise we have to bring him and his wife out to dinner But I want them to pay for our dinner So if you want to subscribe to my channel and help me win these high stakes prizes I would love it if you consider doing that. Thanks for listening guys Thank you to my patrons who helped me in so many more ways than one. I love you guys I'm thinking of you and I will see you in the next video