 Alright guys welcome back to the 21 convention back from lunch your next speaker up is Nick Sparks He is a four-time. This is his fourth time Returning speaker to the 21 convention. I first met him back in 2009 and I was blown away by a speech one of the best that year and Never your sense of course, of course He is a head coach for the social man one of the world leaders in dating and social skills development for men and The title of the speech today is how to hold conversation like a man Without further ado welcome Nick Sparks back to the spade stage Fourth time being up on the 21 convention stage I feel first of all, I just want to say I feel very fortunate to be up here So thank you for having me again Anthony. That's awesome. This is always the best. I always look forward to this event I also feel very nervous I don't know if I'm giving off signs of that too much, but I've been doing this a lot now in the past three four years, but it never gets any easy for me whenever I stand up here I'm still trying to hold back myself from shaking, but I will do my best so The title of my speech today is how to hold conversation like a man That's a pretty it's not the most simple concept in the world to really define to really explain But I'll do my best and I found through trying to explain this concept that one of the best ways that I can do it It's to start off with a story that I think really highlights What it means to hold conversation like a man what it means to be a man take a masculine role in the conversation with a woman now Three years ago now my first time standing on the 21 convention stage. I opened up with a story and About me and a girl which I thought was gonna hope illustrate some points and teach some things and some of the feedback I got after that speech was along the lines of oh man This asshole is just bragging about some girls like he sounds like a douche bag this and that and looking back It might have been a little braggy. It might have been a little douchees. I admit that so I it's probably against my my best like Self-interest to start with a story, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway And hopefully I can try to keep the douche level as low as possible with I'll do my best Thank you. So Let's see this story starts out several years ago I was in Amsterdam on vacation great place to go visit if you've never been and I was staying in the hostel. I highly recommend staying in a hostel if you're ever traveling alone It's the best way to meet people. You're always gonna have other people traveling alone All over the world really interesting cats great way to go out find people to go out and do things with highly recommend staying in Hostels so It was in this one particular hostel that I had met this lovely Romanian girl very sweet spoke good enough English and Met her and it was you know, we were getting to know one another We were all sitting around in a group I was staying in a 15-person dorm room which is about as big of a dorm room I've ever stayed in a hostel and we were sitting around in a circle me and a bunch of our other roommates It was getting closer to the evening and we're all just kind of sitting around getting to know each other You know BSing having some beers having a good time laughing and the sweet Romanian girl She was just sitting right next to me and as we were talking I was looking we were flirting a little bit She started leaning closer to me She started like you know nuzzling up a little bit smiling looking at me and I thought this is a great start to a Vacation this is a fan. This is perfect. I could not have planned this vacation any better. Welcome to Amsterdam, right? But of course as fate would have it as luck would have it It's never that simple because as we're all sitting around all of a sudden. I hear some yelling We look out the window down to the courtyard. The thing is just to make this clear We're on the second floor the window overlooked this courtyard and directly across the courtyard was the all-male dorm I was in a co-ed. This was the all-male dorm and sure enough coming through the courtyard There are these three Norwegian guys yelling and screaming, you know beating their chest super luck alpha And of course all the girls in the room go scurrying over to the window like what's going on? They want to like, you know go check out the action. That's happening down You know down in the courtyard, and then you know the guys are yelling open I'm making this big scene though the ringleader of the guys You know the loudest one the most through the one that's talking the most he he pulls himself up He grabs the window ledge pulls himself up to it Like you know carries in the girls like oh my god Oh my god like helping to pull him in like taking care of him He stands up his friends come up, and he's just in the middle of the circle He's holding court telling all these stories like making all these jokes. Everybody's like the focus is all on him And I see my sweet Romanian girl starting to drift towards him as well Starting to lean forward starting to look at him more in the eyes starting smiling looking at him And I just think to myself son of a bitch son of There goes my beautiful perfect vacation son of a bitch. I was not happy at all. I was not happy at all and So it's at this point That I found myself at a crossroads there are several different directions I could go and There are several different directions. I wanted to go. There were several different directions. I was dying to go My first impulse the first reaction that I had the first thing that I wanted to do I think it's really common. I've certainly had it before and I'm sure I'm not the only one In fact, I would say we've all experienced his first impulse and that first impulse Was to just feel sorry for myself Get pissed like kind of shut my mouth kind of slink back in think oh, you know screw this guy Like he's such a douchebag like he's like if she wants to be with a guy like that fine go She can have him. I didn't really like her that much anyway. I'm just this guy sucks. These people are lame I didn't even like him. I wasn't having a good time screw them Right hold myself back feel sorry for myself make excuses This is my first impulse and thank God I started to do it I started to shrink back when he first came in that was my first impulse. I started to do it Thank God. I didn't let that happen for too long because what would have happened. I've done it before We've all been there before I would have said screw these people Gone out to the bar by myself, right? I'll find some chick myself. I don't need them I would have been such a bad move that I would have turned off anybody that got close to me. I would have ended up just getting hammered Stumbling home passing out listen to them banging in the bed next to me or something like that and just think it was the worst decision ever Luckily, I didn't go down that path luckily My second impulse the second Action that I was desperate to take and this one was hard for me to fight because this is my standard MO Like whenever I'm screwing up in a conversation with a woman or in general like this is my biggest problem Right and that's second impulse for me what I that second thing like I'll know what I'll do. Here's what I'll do I'll show this guy was to say like I'm ten times as entertaining. I'm ten times as charming. I'm ten times as funny I can hold court a million times better than this guy Does he realize who the F. He's dealing with right now Nick Sparks like Right this was my next impulse my ego my ego what I can be funnier I can be better Me me me me me let me show everybody how hilarious I am how much better I am than this guy So that was my second impulse to start like getting up there and trying to outdo him Try to charge out one up his jokes to one up his stories to try to be the bigger bigger center of attention than he was Thank God. I didn't go down that path either though. I know where that would have gone. I've been there before I've done it before Him and I would have gotten to some sort of you know Penis measuring competition. Who's got the bigger one? Girls always get turned off. Oh God guys here. They go with their stupid guy Like challenging thing girls would have got turned off. They would have gone and done their own thing Maybe him and I would have been friends. Maybe not. I don't know But you know as long as I was playing his game I was never going to win So luckily I did not give in to my second impulse So what did I do instead? And again, I like to tell this story because I really think it highlights Some of the most common mistakes what I often refer to is taking the feminine role in conversation And it really helps highlight the the luckily the course of action. I chose to take instead I think really highlights more the masculine role. So what did I do in that situation? I realized because I've been in his position before I've I can relate to him like perfectly What does he want? He wants that validation And so I was going to give it to him. So what I started to do I became his biggest cheerleader I became his biggest cheerleader. I started, you know anytime you tell a story. No way That's awesome. Shut up. I I did something like that. It wasn't nearly as cool. What was that like? That must have been incredible That's really amazing, dude. And that's that's sweet. What was that? Like, you know, tell me more about that part Did you do this or did you do that? crazy That's sweet. I wasn't holding myself out of the conversation Right, I wasn't slinking back into my corner And I wasn't trying to one up him. I was very much a part of that conversation I became as active a member of that conversation as anybody else there right But it was all I let him keep his stage. I let him keep the the spotlight So this is what I really think If anything The masculine role in a conversation is it's certainly not feeling sorry for yourself making excuses holding yourself back Woe is me victim victim victim Right and it's certainly not Trying to steal the center of attention I really consider that to be the woman's role more more on that in a second But what's the masculine role in a conversation? It's really really simple It's to set the framework to set the stage Ie the stage to which they can start talking more to get them talking And then it's to provide validation It's to provide your own source of I like this. I think this is good That's awesome. We need more of that and not so much of that Right, so I want to be the jester In that situation or do I want to be the king? and so I like to say Those are really they really do a great job at highlighting both the biggest mistakes that I see guys make when I'm working with them In conversation and also highlights what they should be doing instead biggest mistakes I see in conversation really really simple number one Well physical number one is definitely physical body language. We can talk about that way more You know in the q&a session anything this is all about conversation right now number one physical will leave that off the table But in conversation wise the the next two biggest things that people screw up in conversations Not doing anything holding themselves out of the conversation because they're just feeling sorry for themselves making excuses Either not approaching or just kind of like, you know in the group letting everybody else talk feeling like oh I'm just left out of the group number one and number two Trying to make themselves a center of attention Trying to look at me look how funny Look how charismatic Look how interesting I am And like I said, this is my biggest mistake whenever things don't go well with me with a girl and it happens Whenever it happens though, it's only one reason because I'm making it all about myself I'm not making it about her Right as interesting as I can be as funny as I can be as well as I can hold a spotlight so to speak I can't even come close to touching a woman when she's fully lit up when she's just completely on Like I can't even be half as magnetic as she can Sometimes I think I can be and I wish I could be sometimes I have that tendency to want that a little too much But I still really consider that the feminine role. That's what she was born for the feminine was the flower the feminine is the the spotlight And so the second biggest mistake I see is when guys try to take that away from her and make it about them Instead of making it about her one of my um One of my one of my assistant coaches she coined the term It's much better to be interested than to be interesting Because that's really your two big goals in a conversation Not to try to impress her without how funny or how whatever you are. It doesn't work Consistency will always fault her What are your two jobs in a conversation woman one get her talking as much as possible Two make her feel good about it when she does That's it. That's all you have to do the most common line I use to open up a conversation or I have my guys just to open up a conversation. Hey, how's it going? It's not your job to try to be funny or interesting and win them over It's not your job to say the right thing. It's just your job to start the conversation It's your job to just get it going and then see what she has to offer We'll talk a little bit more about how you make that happen specifically. Don't worry But I want to emphasize first and foremost That If you go in there It's trying to impress her. It's always going to fall flat So the goal is of course to get her talking. How do you do that? How do you get a woman talking? several ways first simple You ask them a question You guys all know this one, right nothing mind blowing you ask a question And then they respond in some way shape or form Um, you know, I like this. I don't like that Um, the problem with questions though, it's too easy Once again, you guys all know them and the biggest problem with questions is we end up overusing them Right, it just becomes how many times you fall into interview mode Doing all the talking. Oh cool. What do you think about that? Great great great. So what do you think about this? Oh, nice. So have you been there question after question and she's just answering Right, and it feels like you're the one doing all the work once again If you ever feel like you're doing too much work in the conversation and you're not getting as much back in return It's because you're doing too much work in the conversation You're trying to do both the female role and the masculine role I can't do that and be successful ever You're trying to give the foundation and and give her the validation But you're also trying to be the center of attention too And so yes when you're trying to take on both those roles in the conversation You're always going to be doing way too much work and you're never going to get anything back in return Right So that's why you can't just keep battering with questions over and over again because eventually Well, it's going to fizzle out. So how else do you get them talking other than the simple question? I think this is important and of course physical always matters Nothing's going to get a girl talking more than solid dominant eye contact Holds them in a place Facial expression that says hey everything's all right. Nothing to worry about everything's cool physical dominance Something I teach You know touching them moving in close using your body using the space between you to to turn her on and to trigger her The physical stuff will always get her talking and getting her excited more than anything with your words ever can So that's why I usually really focus and really harp on that stuff But in terms of just Conversationally, how do you get her talking? Of course, there's the questions those run out too much. So The next thing how do you not fall into that question interview pattern? Sometimes it just happens sometimes she contributes back to the conversation and it just flows, right? You guys have all been in a conversation where it just flowed and it was easy And you wish you could make that happen more Well the second way verbally To really get her to contribute to the conversation is what I like to call teaching her how to have a conversation Why a lot of women don't know how to have a conversation older women No effing problem. They will talk your ear out. It'll be like a back and forth. It'll be good, right Younger women though not always so good at it. You got to teach them and once again, it's not their fault They're used to just having guys come up with 99 of guys come up to them and they're just trying to impress them They're barely looking me in the eye. They're just trying to say the right thing trying to say something funny And there she's like, oh another one of those guys Next So how do you teach her how to have a conversation? I also call this forcing her to contribute equally To the conversation. It's the same thing because what's a proper conversation? Right, you're the man. You're supposed to start it. So you kick the ball to her you put in some effort But then she puts an effort back Right, I always say that she should be doing the vast majority of talking in a conversation Once again, if um, if she's not doing the majority of the talking you're talking way too much You've always heard that women love to talk Um, but if they're not doing that often if they're not doing the majority of talking You're still definitely doing something wrong And this is where it comes in right Supposed to be an equal give and take it's supposed to be an equal back and forth But so many guys never even give her the opportunity To contribute equally to the conversation because they're so busy trying to fill in those those silences Like say something next there's a moment of truth in a conversation and that moment of truth comes After you start it. It's always your job to start it You start the conversation you kick it forward a little bit and there's maybe a little bit of back and forth You know, I always say hey, how's it going? What are you guys up to my standard opening line and we'll talk Oh, yeah, you're doing that cool. How's that blah blah blah? How will she'll ask me? Oh me and my friends are just up to this You know and then there's always a lull, right? There's that first question. There's that like opening little back and forth banter you have And then it reaches a lull in conversation Right, you guys don't know what i'm talking about You guys have all experienced this lull before that comes after that first little topic has its little Exciting and then winds down That first lull I call that the moment of truth Because that's when she's going to know what kind of man you are right then in there Right if you it's going to be anxious It's going to be it's going to feel nervous Especially if you're used to like hate silence and you're used to always filling it in and always like rushing forward to try to say something Because you can't handle that awkwardness right Like we've all done that we've all been there But if you do that if you're just so nervous that you have to jump in and rush to fill that silence because you're afraid you're going to lose her She's going to know right then. Oh Just another one of those guys Just another one of those guys moment of truth So what do you have to do in that situation? How do you teach her how to have a conversation at that moment of truth? You employ a little something that I like to call shame Yeah, that's right. You make her feel shame You shame her shame is one of the most powerful emotions known to man. We all know this And in that moment Where you know, it comes to a lull and you're feeling all nervous. You're feeling all that anxiety. Oh my god The conversation is going to die What you're used to doing in those situations and you're used to putting that shame on yourself I have to say something. I have to make this happen. I have to keep this going. I have to have the right thing to say What should I do? You're looking around. What do I say next? What am I supposed to do next? Why It's not your job. It's both of your job. It's supposed a conversation is supposed to be a cooperative effort Why are you putting all the pressure on yourself to do everything? Take her off the pedestal At that moment of truth right there when it's very Natural to feel that anxiety To feel that nervousness Take a deep breath You're a man. You can take it I remember she's a girl. She can't So I put that shame on to her I put that pressure that i'm feeling i'm putting on the anxiety. I'm handing it over to her This is yours. I already did my part in the conversation. Now it's your turn Don't you know how this stuff works? So what I do at that moment of truth Really really simple but important so important. There's one thing I want you guys to do in conversation tonight. This is it At that moment of truth When you're nervous and you're your first instinct is to look off and say oh, what do I say next? Look it right in the eye and just get an expression on your face that says Well, what do you got? I'm listening I put them on the spot silence dead fucking silence. I want them to feel every single ounce of that anxiety I can take it. She can't well I'd say 75 of time if you hold this you don't let it phase you you show that you're okay. What's up with you She's gonna feel that awkwardness. She's gonna jump the fill in the conversation. So What are you? right When you guys weren't thinking to like when it was just happening that happened right When you're nervous it doesn't just happen. You have to force it to happen You've got to stand up to every anxiety in your body that wants to rush in and fill it Hold your tongue put your hand on your mouth if that's what it takes Let her do and as soon as she fills it in so uh, what do you think about? I like I immediately get the biggest smile like that's my victory right there. I know it's on Like the second she starts putting an effort to the conversation I get a big smile and I try to reward her for it. I touch her. Oh, that's so that's such a good question That is so sweet of you to ask me give her a little hug Make her feel good about it Right teaching her how to have a conversation. I'll say 75 percent of the time 80 percent of the time a woman will fill it in that first wall if you Give her the space to do it and you don't just talk over her doesn't always happen Right Sometimes the girls just aren't in a good mood I talk about the 60 40 principle a lot 60 40 principle really really briefly just simply states that any response you get from another human being 60 percent of it has nothing to do with you whatsoever and everything to do with whatever mood they're in the other 40 percent Well, yeah, it does have to do with you But I always say it's important that 40 percent is important I say even like they're 60 they have their own issues if you're carrying your 40 percent Well, you're going to get a majority positive response. It's not everybody You're always going to have people that are just in a bad mood. It happens They got their own shit to worry about has nothing to do with you girls are insecure. They're awkward. They're goofy. They're nerdy It's not you But at the same token if you're 40 percent off Well, then you're probably going to get a majority of negative responses And this gap right here this moment of truth It's definitely the physical is always the biggest but this gap is a very big piece of that 40 percent for you 80 percent of the time they're going to fill it in Doesn't always happen Doesn't always happen So what do I do in those situations then? No situations I'll give her a second chance I'll wait for a few moments like I'm not going to rush this whatsoever. I'm going to take my sweet time Looking at her. Well And she's not responding. She's not giving anything back to me She like looks away for a second. I might look away take a sip of my drink Uh stretch show her I'm unfazed show her this doesn't bother me whatsoever Then I might look back at her so What uh, what do you think about that? I got a standard like three lines of questions. It's really simple I had questions that I use. I don't ask very many questions My first lines are hey, what do you guys or hey? How's it going? What are you guys up to? That's going to be the first lull if she's still not responding after that first lull She's one of those weirdos who doesn't still my second one is always going to be so Where are you from? Where are you from is a great question great question. It looks boring on the surface But it's so easy to just get deep. It's so easy to jump into. Well, what was that like growing up? How did that? What was your favorite part about there? Like what are some of your happiest memories from so-and-so should I visit would you show me around? What should we do when we go there bring up childhood memories? Nostalgia always feels good so really boring question easy to get deep and then I'll usually give her a third chance if she's still not responding. I'll try a third time My last question is almost mocking her. My last question is almost not it's just um So do you come here often if she's still not doing I don't try to get fancy with these questions I want to keep them as boring as possible. I don't like to think a lot. I don't want to work hard I'm not trying once again. I'm not trying to impress her. That's the last thing. That's the last vibe I'm trying to put out. I'm just hanging out and seeing what she's got So my second follow-up is so where are you from? And then once again, we're going to talk about that and I'm gonna next We're going to talk about what's going on in this whole like jumble of things and how you can maximize that And how you can get her talking more but that but You know before we get to that the thing winds down and there's that second lull right second lull now comes And I'm going to turn up the shame a little bit higher this time around I'm going to be overdoing my well. I'm going to start Well I'm going to be really like trying to make her feel like are you okay like is there something wrong with you because Do you know how this works? Like I'm not saying this but I'm essentially through I'm communicating this through my look through my facial expression through my hands Trying to get her to fill that second lull and once again you turn up the shame You you do it a second time most girls are going to get it. I'll say like 90 percent of girls We'll fill it in that second time if you give it to him. She's going to get the hit. Oh, okay That's my turn to contribute now. I get it once again. I reward her big hug. Oh, you're the best look at you right And then third and if she still doesn't if she still doesn't fill it in I'm really taking my sweet time I might just you know say goodbye at that point For for whatever reason I want to give her a third chance. That's when I'll really be like so Where are you from? You know, I'm just really just over doing and I'm almost mocking her at this point It's just almost like what who are you like are you a human being that's ever communicated with other human being before More to come in those situations happen but for now Like I said the majority of the time they will fill in that space If you leave it for them. So that's your that's what I said you do anything in conversation tonight Like make them feel that shame force them to contribute equally to a conversation Don't just try to talk their ear off trying to impress them number one So what's next how else that's teaching her how to have a conversation. How else do you get her talking now? The next best way verbally of course To get her talking And this goes right back to my amsterdam experience the next best way to get her talking Is what I call being fully present Being fully present letting her know that there's nothing else that's more important in the world than her right now women's number one complaint about guys in bars Conversationally number one complaint I feel like he's not listening to me. I feel like he's just waiting for his turn to talk Number one complaint by women in bars He's not listening. He's just waiting for his turn to talk Same thing right you're trying to make it about you. You're trying to think oh well. Oh, I got this next line It's going to impress her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's rounding it It's like you're just waiting for a keyword that you can snag on to great got my keyword I know what my next question is going to be I can make this conversation go longer done. I can tune you out great. That's really nice awesome sweet So what do you think about that? She knows a woman knows when you're not listening a woman knows when you're just waiting for your turn to talk So the next number one thing you can do to get her talking more Is to let her know you really are interested in what she has to talk about for real though Genuinely, I don't care about what I'm going to say next. I can't even think about what I'm going to say next It's all that matters what you're talking about right now No agenda. I'm just fascinated You know, that's a little it's basically just active listening, but it's uh, you know, if it was so easy We'd all be doing it already So I have some techniques that I find are very helpful and helping you be more present Helping you be more I'm really tuned in to show her that nothing else matters and she is whatever she's saying is the most interesting Funny important thing you could ever roll around in your brain and think about So first one of these techniques And you may be familiar with this if you watched my speech from last year or were present For last year. I talked about it right at the end. I called it buffering You might have seen this and what this is instead of just saying something else instead of rattling off you just say really Or is that right? And then just leave a pause and look at it more really Huh, that's really cool. Just making this a little comment. That's so interesting huh right There became a little bit of a problem with this stuff Guys just became buffering robots like guys would just go out really that is so interesting like and just you know Just just saying it without much thought or so kind of lost its it lost a little bit of its glow So the new way that I describe buffering I think really helps seals up those holes I left in it from last year and it's what I call the overly empathetic child listening to a story If you ever want a great example of a listener Take any kid people love kids because when a kid's listening to a story He doesn't have some agenda. He's not wondering like oh, what can I say to get this person to like me more? Or how can I make them laugh afterwards or what can I what can I do to you know? Kids are just like tuned in they don't have any hidden agendas. They're just solely focused on This is so cool Right, I would like to say you know if you're if you're telling a kid a story And you it's your good storyteller or whatever and you said and you know and then then the monsters jumped out and the kid Will like literally jump out of his chair. Oh my god monsters Right The best example of listening I could ever provide that kid is so Tuned in to what it is. I'm talking about to what it is. I'm feeling He's literally feeling it 10 times as strong in his own body. Like the kid just shit his pants. That's how strong He's really tuned in and really paying attention There's no better example. I can give of listening than that So I always like to say And and usually when you're nervous the thing is usually when you're nervous you tend to like tighten up a little bit more You tend to be less expressive So I always like to say overdo the shit out of this one if there's a second thing I want you to do in conversation I want you to be that overly empathetic child Right, she says that her dog died. You better have a look on your face like your like like mother just died like that second I mean, you know well wishes for all of your mothers, of course, I don't There was a graphic example. I know I apologize if I upset um If she let's something happier, you know, she just you know talks about how she did something really cool You better have a look on your face. Like you just like rode over the grand canyon in a motorcycle I'm not asking you to be fake I'm asking you to overcompensate for your natural tendency to tighten up not listen and not respond emotionally The way that she would like the most Second thing I want you to do aside from teaching out of conversation be that overly empathetic child There's few things in this world that turn on a woman more Then when she knows that a man is just fully focused on her Not even thinking about anything but just completely clued in completely tuned in Few things will turn on a woman more than when she's getting genuine strong attention from a man few things Second technique for really being present I like to call this one Relating and personalizing Complicated name. What do I mean by that relating? um refers to relating your own personal experience or whatever Personalizing means asking more personal questions to her about what she's talking about relating. Oh, wow. I did this one time Personalizing. What was that like? But did you enjoy that? What was your experience like? No, would you recommend it? How did you excuse me? How did you feel about that more personal questions about her about regarding whatever she was talking about? And here's the secret about this stuff all this other stuff all this listening stuff we're talking about The secret is is it requires no effort whatsoever? zero the only effort that i'm ever doing in a conversation Is those couple questions that I mentioned? couple questions that I mentioned Um and forcing her to have a conversation sometimes when it's necessary Right, that's the only work. I'm ever doing the rest of this stuff It's just it's no thought whatsoever relating and personalizing. I'm just fully tuned into her. I'm just fully listening to her and as I am It's naturally gonna make me think of things in my past I'm just naturally going to think of memories of things that are related to it No work whatsoever. It just pops up when I'm really paying attention to somebody And if I'm really tuned in it's relating and if I'm really tuned in If I'm really thinking about what she's going through and imagining and imagining myself in that situation what it would be like I'm gonna have natural curiosities. I'm gonna wonder what that's like. I can't I won't be able to help myself Personalizing simply an expression of your natural curiosity. No thinking required. What's up? What is that like? I want to know. I'm just genuinely curious relating personalizing All of it once again. It's just happening in this bubble before the lull. This is all Swirling around in this space Getting her talking more the more you're really focused on her the more she's going to talk The more you're like just relating personal stories that you're just inspired by and really asking questions that you're curious about The more she's going to talk and then the third technique I have for active listening I call it Following the trail of breadcrumbs And it's this one simple it's based on the premise that women will always tell you what they want to talk about next if you're paying attention They will always give drop little hints in the conversation. It's not complicated We make it ourselves complicated. I think okay. Well, I have to say something funny. I have to say something clever I have to say something interesting. No Just take the easy layup He's like just take the lob that she's throwing right at you. Don't try to be fancy. Don't try to You don't have to she's going to be like, yeah, it was fun. We did that for a couple years, but then you know, I had to stop Why did you have to stop? Oh, well, you know, I I had some family stuff going on and my heart wasn't in it Well, I don't know if she wants to talk about the family stuff. Why wasn't your heart in it? Simple follow the trail of breadcrumbs that she's laying out for you No need to look anywhere outside of the material She's just throwing at you if you're really paying attention How to get her talking more other than physical Questions teaching her out of conversation being fully present Three most powerful verbal ways that you're going to get her talking more possibly the three most powerful because there's another one That's also ridiculously powerful ridiculously powerful possibly the most powerful way that you can affect a woman And that is To give her validation In the form of sexual interest Oh She's a girl She wants to feel desired by a man It's in her dna. She can't help it And when she starts giving off signals that she's interested in you Signals are really simple I have four She holding eye contact and that's a strong one. You're getting eye contact. What's over two Um, is she filling in those gaps the conversation? Why do you think I smile so much when she fills in that gap that I'm leaving for her? That's a sign that she's attracted to you Three she gets a real smile on her face not a polite smile, but a genuine smile. She's really happy Can't help it And four this is another strong one too. She points her hips at you people will always point their hips at what they're most interested in Woman gives me her hips. I'm all over her at that point But the point being is that when a woman shows her interest in you If you don't respond With interest as well if you don't say I like you too You're basically telling them thanks, but no thanks, bro Like you're cool. Good luck with everything. I'm just not that into you Or i'm just not confident enough to do something either way. She's gonna go find another guy. She's out at the bar She's looking for love. She's looking for excitement. She wants to hook up or at least flirt and have a sexy time If you're not going to be the guy to give it to her On to the next one really easy So in that moment that she starts lighting up and she starts showing you she's interested in you if you do not Express your interest back towards her. You're gonna lose her every single time Why does she want a guy that doesn't like her or can't even express it if he does So you have to you must in those situations express your sexual interest giving her validation through your sexual interest and that's really What escalation is That's really all escalation is is showing a girl your interest in her through the way you look at her Through the way you touch her through how bad you want your body on top of her And through the things that you're saying because you can't help but think of them that she's turning you on That's all escalation is now. That's a whole another speech Once again, you want to talk about that in questions or or when we're out Um Awesome, let's do it. But it's that's uh, I I'll probably be talking about that It'll probably be the basis for my speech next year no time whatsoever to delve into to escalation But what I will say very briefly is that If you give that woman that sexual validation, I'm attracted to you. I like you That definitely ranks up there with all the other powerful ways of getting her excited and getting her wanting to talk more And once again, if you don't she's going to talk less. She's going to talk less She's going to start looking around. She's going to say i'll see you later. Good luck with everything every single time So you have to display your sexual interest for her um And that's really it I mean if i'm doing all that once again The majority of guys who are out there just walk up to her Try to win her over do all of the talking trying to impress her Not letting any of those silences fall because they're too nervous and they can't handle it And every single girl is like yep another one of those guys another one of those guys But if you're a guy who walks up looks you're strong in the eye Has a confident expression on his face shows that he's comfortable touching her and being close to her It's not afraid of her shows. He's not trying to win her over and impress her with his words He's actually forcing her expecting her to contribute equally to the conversation To show that he's not just thinking of the next thing that he's going to say to impress To show that he's just no agenda just totally tuned into her totally comfortable with it And showing that he's interested in her You're gonna Ask any girl how many guys do that maybe one percent? Barely they say they never see those guys. So when they do They immediately know oh It's one of those guys I like those guys What happens again? I want to go back and touch What happens again if um If maybe she's not as receptive Right, what happens if She she doesn't give you as strong a signal now once again If you're bringing everything that I just mentioned you're going to be getting positive responses the vast majority of the time I promise if you're not you won't promise But once again, there's always those situations where maybe you're a little bit off. Maybe she's a little bit off What do you do in those situations a couple things? um A couple verbal things I like to do once again I'm usually going to turn up my physicalness to see if I can jar her out of it with a little extra energy from my body strongest way But verbally I'm also going to try to spice things up just a little bit to see if I can maybe shake her loose Shake her out of whatever kind of funk. She's in maybe shake myself out of whatever kind of funk I'm into And so the things I do to spice things up They're just self amusing They're just things that I do to have fun with the conversation because I have to entertain myself because she's not being Very entertaining at the time So what are some of those things being playfully challenging is one of them It's this one simple whatever she says I'm just going to challenge her on it. She said she did see she said she went to You know, she said she went to harvard or whatever. No, you didn't you're such a liar. I don't believe you at all The expression of playfully challenging you have a smile. You got to look them in the eye It's almost saying you're not that cool. I refuse to believe you're that cool. No way. You never did that. You're a liar Playfully challenging Playfully disagreeing is another one of my favorite. Whatever opinion she expresses about something I'm just going to express the direct opposite strongly. She says, oh my god. I love those guys Oh, I hate those guys What what are you talking about? I don't even know. I don't even know who you're talking about I'm just trying to throw her off Oh my god, like that is the worst that sucks. What are you talking about? That's my favorite My dad and I used to do that every single day. What are you talking about? Really? Oh my god I'm sorry. No, no. I'm just kidding. I was before Playfully disagreeing another one of my favorites. I use this constantly constantly. You're blank Whatever she says it's just that old middle school thing. You're blank. She says that's stupid. You're stupid Says, oh my god, that looks like fun. You look like fun Whatever that's the worst. You're the worst Whatever it is. You're blank. It's a great way to just kind of mix things up. It's so easy um Oh, there are two other ways that I really like to mix things up if it gets to it And these are two different sides of this exact same coin foam ants Which of course is french for false romance I don't speak front um foam ants and playful disinterest Two sides of the same coin foam ants says whatever she's talking about. Oh my god. That's the hottest sexiest thing I've ever heard in my life You know, she's like, oh my god. I got these new rain boots. I love new rain boots. Oh my god Like those are sexy rain boots and those are good because you can touch her a little bit more You can get closer to her and you're playing around. So she's a lot more loose with what she'll allow On the other side of that coin playful disinterest Ugh This is when it's easy for me. If ever a girl says she's from Ohio, I'm from michigan In case you weren't aware our two states fought a war At some point we've hated each other ever since with a passion and why wouldn't either rednecks, but um, sorry No offense any Ohio people, of course um all in good fun But I mean, I'm definitely gonna give her some playful, right? Oh turn my back a little bit. Are you serious? Gross I might and I what I'll often like to do. I'll make physical contact I'll establish physical contact with her when I do it like I'll I'll push her away a little bit But I'm still touching her Right letting her know I'm still interested with my physicalness. So she's still like stays interested I'm not actually and then I'll come back. Oh, it's all right. I've had friends from Ohio. You guys aren't that bad Right. I'm sure your dad drives a truck. I can go to accept that. It's no problem Nothing wrong with truck driving either. It's honorable profession, you know, ohio joke Um So some different ways I Mix things up in case you're getting tight One other thing I want to leave you with if it's not going so once again I'm usually going to give her two tries Sometimes three if I'm feeling really generous to contribute back to the conversation if I'm feeling really generous I'll give her a third shot But when it's just like when it's just dead wood and when there's just nothing there Very very important That you employ what I call the warm goodbye If there's one another thing that I'd like you to do tonight, I would love you all to employ the warm goodbye What's the warm goodbye? It's really simple Hey guys I gotta get back to my friends, but it's been fun. It's been really fun talking to you I hope you have a great rest of the night Cheers Go out to your friends Why is this so important? Why is this so freaking important? It's important for a number of reasons Number one You want to maybe they're saved some sort of chance with that girl You know, maybe she's just in a funk. Maybe it's early on in the night and she's still feeling a little awkward She hasn't had enough drinks yet to feel sexy and confident. So she's just a little stiff Right if you're sitting there showing no social intelligence whatsoever Just trying to drag out this conversation doing all the talking trying to win her over It's just going to get more awkward and more awkward and you're going to feel worse and worse And she's going to get more turned off. She's going to think who's this weirdo But if you just so social intelligence Go up not trying to impress her see what she's gotten. She's just not there yet And you're just like I got to get back to my friends. You guys have a good night All of a sudden she starts thinking oh wait That was actually a cool guy like I was an asshole there Like this is why my mother always asked me why I'm single all the time. That's why fuck I've had so many girls come up to me after I've warmed goodbye to them. Hey, how's it going? I'm yeah, I was being this way and that way It's a number one Saving any possible chance you have with those girls number two reason for the warm goodbye Every other girl in that place Is watching you They are they want to see how does this go? They're going to be judging that interaction five minutes Really? Crap. I'm glad I'm this is perfect timing Um Time flies when you're rocking Um Second most important reason everybody else is watching you and so if you just kind of like If they're like kind of closing the group in and you see that they're not responding If you just kind of put your head down and slink away in shame They're going to say oh man that guy just got shot down hard Right But instead if you say you know what it's been great talking to you girls have a great night walk away Then all of a sudden they're like oh Seems like a fun cool social guy. Those girls are just kind of awkward and and cold like girls all know that some girls are just icy Like that's commonly accepted in girl knowledge. They'll be like, oh, those are those girls. I hope I don't want to be those girls Mother's always asking why they're not married. Um, it's every girl's nightmare. It's fantastic Number three reason is the most important I would say though you do it for you You do it for you. You're saying no, I'm not ending this on your terms. You're not rejecting me You're not trying to sit here and say I'm not good enough for you All right, you're the socially awkward one. You're the weirdo. I'm ending this on my terms. I'm saying goodbye to you You walk away a little bit taller you walk away a little bit stronger You walk away with a little bit more confidence for your next interaction every single time. It's magical. I promise you Sometimes when they're really like oh you see when they're really kind of bitchy. I'll be patronizing You know what it's been such a pleasure talking to you guys I really hope you have a good rest of the night. Good luck with everything girls. Good luck with everything Makes me feel a little bit better. I don't recommend that's kind of a dick move, but Makes me feel a little bit better and to close this all off because we're wrapping up awesome Just in case you were wondering what happened in Amsterdam As I started to give him more validation He started working for me more. He started giving more back to me. I was giving him exactly what he was looking for So this guy loved me. So he started. Yeah, bro. And then I did that and that Oh, yeah, it was really cool. Oh man. Yeah, so we were doing this and it was totally fun. Yeah, we did that and that No way that's sweet Shut up and I'm being genuine here. You can't fake this because he's going to know you're just effing with him Right. No way. That's really sweet And as he started coming towards me more like talking more because I'm like, you know getting him more excited That I'm really into what he's talking about I started leaning back a little bit. No way. Shut up. It's wild Get out of here. So cool And I started talking less and less And everybody else was now looking at me and I was leaving back because the center of attention was now giving all his attention to me Of course, everybody else in the group is going to be giving their attention to me and so they stopped asking questions Yeah, cool, man. Great. Awesome. All right, cool kind of winded down Of course as I leaned back My sweet Romanian girl started cuddling back up next to me. I had her leaning back towards me too. I just look at her saying When I go grab a beer Out out of there had a beer had a wonderful rest of the vacation together Douche-free as possible That's how you have a that's how you take the masculine role in a conversation. Thank you guys Questions, please Two questions we have We'll let You please decide so I don't have to be the asshole Okay Great speech. Love it a lot. Thank you. I really have a question What kind of emotional response are you trying to elicit when you're employing this tactic? Good question And then and then what's the kind of Line drawn between how it comes across is creepy and how it comes across is you know being a boss They're in the zone question here. How can you come across as creepy? I just feel like that maybe like the death stare that you give the girls Not you in particular But just anybody if they were to try this out So I feel like some girls might find it like why is this guy just saying oh really and then just staring at me You know, I can kind of feel like some girls I'm I'm really creeped out. No, I'm just kidding. No, no, no really really great question So many guys are terrified of this whole being creepy thing like I always I Push eye contact as hard as you could ever imagine and there's I always challenge my guys at the beginning of a weekend I will challenge you to get shot down for making too much eye contact I dare you to dare you to And the thing is can you make too much eye contact? Absolutely, but most guys are so far on the opposite end of that That they need to try to overdo it to compensate to overcompensate for their huge deficiency And some guys try to overcompensate. They're not even close to where that line is they've got to try to overdo it one more time and being creepy is the number one fear and number one excuse That guys use to keep themselves back in this position so I would say don't even worry about being creepy because If you're seeing consistency issues, you're so far down at this end like that should be the last of your fears Okay What is creepy? The guys who get shot down by making too much eye contact. It's always the same right? They're just staring at a girl with no facial expression I always say didn't I say facial expression one of the most important things no facial expression And a girl looks at them and it's not a bad look the girl is just like well Right, she gives you that look like what do you want? Guys always take that as a bad sign Guy'd always take that as like oh, she doesn't like me. I'm doing something creepy Why she just wants to know like well what dude are you gonna say something or are you just gonna stand there? That's all she wants to know like are you gonna fucking talk to me or what? Do I say the only guys that ever get shot down for making too much eye contact? Do they have a dead expression on their face? Or um or when the girl's like what they just don't do anything Okay, what is creepy really really simple All creepy is is if a girl shows you in any way shape or form that she's uncomfortable with something If you keep doing it It's it's uh creepy is you're so in your own world. You're not even paying attention like to anyone else You're almost like cut off from that's creepy I wouldn't be worrying about that with you right now I'd be worried about making more eye contact making enough eye contact. Yeah And doing something when she gives you that well what look smile when you do it Though I want to really briefly say to that expression that everything's okay Especially when you go up to start a conversation so important Because she's always going to be looking at you She's always going to look to you and say well Is this going to be comfortable or is this not and she looks at you and you have a look on your face That says this is not okay. This is not comfortable. She won't be comfortable with it If you have a look on your face that says everything's all right Nothing to worry about. We're just having a good time out at the bar. Shit chatting. Don't worry. I'm not a psycho killer Just a dude. No problem It's fine She's always going to look to you though, especially in those first five seconds To set to let her know whether you're okay or not whether this is okay or not Thank you. Good question Yes Nick great speech again. So I have a thanks. I have a two-part question one is In the community there has has been a traditional A view on making a lot of statements as opposed to asking questions So I kind of wanted to ask For your opinion on that because you know, I've been taught that once you make too many questions at the start You're putting the conversation no pressure on her Um and making statements kind of does the opposite and my second question as a follow-up to that is When you ask a question should it be a Question that always open a lot of threads. For example, um, you know a question An open end question as opposed to something like how tall are you which probably doesn't lead to a lot of uh, You know to answer your second question. I don't care that much I don't I'm not trying that hard To answer your first question Which was was was oh, yeah, yeah asking questions using statements and said I like statements to start a conversation But I'll use questions just as easily to start a conversation Well, like sometimes like I'll just say one thing I like is like if you're feeling something positive to share that with ever Like I love this song right Statements are also great for day game for daytime talking to girls like opening conversations Which is the general statement about your surroundings. It's always a good way to start those conversations But would I also agree that you don't want to ask too many questions? Yeah, like I said, I'm only doing I'm only trying a bare minimum of time a vast majority of the time She should be doing the vast majority of the talking and I'm just listening. I'm just relating and personalizing. I'm just overly empathetic child I'm forcing her to contribute. So I'm barely asking questions but I do it because it works It's easy to remember. I don't want to have anything too complicated You know to dovetail into your second question a little bit. Well this complicated thing But should it be this kind of question? I don't All I know is that in that moment when this girl is looking at me and I think she's gorgeous and she's making my heart beat out of my chest I can't think of any of that shit. I just need a rope that I can grab on to I just need the most simple thing that can pop into my head First level when I'm trying Hey, how's it going? What are you guys up to? Blah blah blah. So where you from if and once she starts to light up I have a second tier of questions And it's just all about her like once she starts to light up when she starts to open up showing that she's interested in you I stop all the you know joking around and talking about this and that and I want to know I just hone in who are you The second tier of questions is all about her hopes her dreams her passions who she is So once she starts opening up the second thing I'm going right into is So like what are you into? Like what are you passionate about who are you? I want to know like what turns you on You know what could you be if you didn't have to spend any money that whole kind of thing That's what I'm going to try to get into hope streams and passions and like I said, I don't think about it much further than that Thank you That's it. Thank you again guys very much