 Welcome back, thank you for staying with us. This is still why in the morning and in case you're just joining us you are on time for the first conversation of the day and we are talking about Marta's health specifically on standing against failure sorry and for that we are joined by an expert he is a counselor, a psychologist and a trainer that is Emilio Murioki, I'm Karibusana, glad to have you with us. Thank you, thank you for having me. Alright so we want to talk about failure because in this current time people have done the case you see they feel like they have failed, some have failed you know and there's all that pressure around you and you know sometimes failure is stigmatized. Yeah failure, failure is a you know when you say failure you ask someone if you tell someone that they have failed some one thing they'll they'll start by is they'll feel as if you put them down. So how to fight against failure. We fail in many instances for instance in relationships sometimes we can encounter failures in relationship when something that you expect in a relationship does not work out number one number two we can even fail in exams maybe education can talk of failure in education and also even in career as youth maybe the career that you like to do is not the one that you you've been able to to go through. So failure can come in different shapes and forms. Yeah. Okay, Narcissa, what does failure do to someone if not you know taken in the right way? Well once once you're not able to understand you know failure comes in two ways and they can come from yourself or from others. So if failure is from others for instance it's even worse. What do you mean by failure from others? From if other people feel that you failed it is even worse than when you were the one who understand that you failed. Take for instance in an exam for example in an exam like KCAC you know the person we're sitting for KCAC is the same person who has been sitting for other exams for instance yeah but all these exams that they have been doing did not have a problem with them but because this KCAC for example is watched there are so many people that are expecting maybe a result from them if they fail in such they feel so demeaned because of the expectation that other people expect from this particular person. Yeah so if you're the one who understand that if it is within you if it's for example you're failing in an instance where it's only you that knows that you failed the impact to not be as worse as when people around you expect maybe something from you. So therefore it all depends with what you expect and what you expect other people are expecting from you. So what does it do to someone knowing that people you know people see you as a failure or people there's one thing people knowing that you have failed and people seeing you as a failure those two different things. Yeah people knowing that you're a failure you know you're an identity that you have so this one is just a failure but people knowing that you fail maybe it's just an exam that you have failed one time. You know it all depends with how you take it as a person. Did you have the expectation that you know did you give the expectations to others that who are not met. Take for instance if you expect maybe to get a certain grade and you've promised many people that this is where I want to reach yeah and you've not gotten there and when you've not told anybody then there's a surprise with your grades those are two different things that is the way that you react if a person knows has an expectation for you you know and there is there's a difference there's a total difference between between the two that you asked about and that how you know how should one deal with it so that it doesn't affect their mental health. Well how to deal with number one you are supposed to be ready for two things anytime you're taking an event you're supposed to be ready for for success and failure because an outcome anything you do there must be an outcome right anything you do there must be an outcome which is the the the success and the failure so therefore you must be ready you must be ready whether you're going to fail what will you take the failure when you when you fail how do you take the success when you do so it has to come before before even you do whatever that you want to do okay yeah but they say you know failure okay what is failure really because they say failure is when you failing so many times and rising up again failure is when you um when you are not able to achieve your goals that is the meaning of failure that is the that is the dictionary meaning of it yeah but now you know what people say I think maybe probably to encourage others because failure is part of life or if do you do agree with that because they say failure is part of life so you need to know that you're going to fail at some point but you need to rise up and that is what makes success failing failing so many times but rising up again failure is part of life and it's normal it's normal for someone to fail it's okay you know it's normal for someone to maybe not to achieve whatever they feel that they should have achieved it's it's normal okay so if um and you know the failure is uh just like I was saying at the beginning it's defined by the person an individual you're the one who defines what failure is sometimes um people think that you um sometimes you may other people may feel as if you fail but you've not failed take for example um if you're working in an in an environment which is not very conducive and then you achieve your goal according to how you feel it but maybe your boss is saying so maybe you know given the the circumstances of how you did your job you did it with all that all that you had so therefore the failure is um um we should uh the standard as um you know personally before other people come in before before before other people come in and tell you that you did wrong here it is very important that first of all you understand what what have you done have you done it right before another person tells you that what about uh if it's the other way around you think you have failed but others think that it's actually you've done good um that that you know it don't or it's when a when another person feels that you've done it well and um and and and and you you feel I think that's why now we are supposed to to to appreciate the the use of the the the the feedbacks you know other people telling you what you've done the feedback that you get from other people it's very very important yeah because um um we we we we we live all to okay so okay so now how do you stand against failure that is our main topic today how to stand against failure yeah um how do we stand against failure number one we need to uh to understand our where we stand what is I said there in at youths we may face different uh scenarios which we uh which we may fail so we need to understand what a relationship is we need to understand what you know uh if we fail in a relationship the reason why we fail in relationships is because number one what we relationship is not it's not very very what we expect from another another person is what he's going to get what you do to another person is what he's going to get back to you like for example we should give our best not our all our best and not our all that is what we are supposed to do in any circumstances in our careers in our education and also in our in our um even in our relationships so i'm a bit confused giving our best and not our all so isn't our best our all no no your best is not your all so what what is your all and what is your best you know your best is uh is what you have to know the limits the limit to which you can go you need to understand yourself and know that this is up and in Bali like for example if you um if you you know they you know very well that you know for instance um no no no that is your that is therefore you know your best you know the best that you can give yourself and therefore there are those that after the the entire salary that you have that is the all that is the difference between giving your best and your all so in any in any circumstances i think it's very important that we give our our best our best not giving the all the all that we have yeah we give our best and not our all and therefore if you understand what is your best and what is your all therefore you be able to um reach a point where you know now this is this is this is beyond me this is beyond me so therefore i what i what i should do now for at this at this juncture therefore i should um i should i should set a limit i should set a limit therefore for example if it's um is a performance yeah if it's if it's come in the casino when i do i i am supposed to uh to to do my best at work i'm supposed to do my best but sometimes uh sometimes we are required to give our all but you need to to understand when when the limit will come you need to know where to draw the line yeah you need to know where to draw the line okay how how else can you stand against failure is there a way to prevent failure yeah um it um it you know number one is you understand yourself you know there are ways in which you need to prevent the way that to prevent failure is uh is understanding yourself better self-awareness someone is supposed to be self-aware and um by this i mean um uh let's say for example um let's say for example um if you if you give a an an example of um uh let's say in a school in a school yeah um one teacher told me that if you have if you are in a class if you have let's say for example you are doing 10 subjects in a in a school and you pass in each and every subject yeah um so um very important to our best that is very very important because um when we what we need to understand is that um the the world does not revolve around us that we have to succeed always that yes so like for instance if uh what I learned in in um something to go by um the the one that revolves in a Zunguka for so long sometimes I think it's very important when it when it comes to failure because what we need to what we need to get from our failure is not that we are failed but what is the lesson that you've learned from that failure okay so take the lesson from you take the lesson from the failure what what is most important from the failure is not that we failed but what is the lesson what do you do next after now you've seen that you'd not succeed in the goals that you had wow amazing okay so now giving a practical example of what is um someone is going through uh currently at the moment someone uh was expecting to get maybe a B plus and they ended up getting a C in the exam or maybe a C minor because to them that is failure so how should they handle that situation how should the parents handle that situation number one number one for the parents they they should not start by condemning the the the the person yeah maybe the student for instance uh because um sometimes uh sometimes people base failure people people view failure based on themselves and they they are not able to understand that person that they view are failed what circumstances they were in yeah so maybe a parent somewhere could be uh maybe thinking that before because I passed in the KCSE I don't expect my child to not to get the grant that I got yeah because I I passed so therefore this is a this is like it is a genetic um it's it's like you you you think um for because you you did well or because you did not do well you expect that uh what um what the the next person is going to do is supposed to be better than you so therefore the the challenge should the the the parents are supposed to understand the child the child and maybe try to to ask them are you okay with it with the grant that you have because that is a question that many of them will not ask are you okay with the grant that you have if you have for instance um a B plus and as a parent I expect that they were supposed to head to to have gotten an A are you okay are you okay what what can I help how can I help you rather than condemning this this same this same uh this same student rather than condemning you know uh being uh personal and you know um replace uh displacing you know the anger to this person sometimes even some of the parents that that some of our parents may not be harsh on us because of the grant it could be something that is from another another event maybe someone is um is angry because of the maybe the the the the other the partner and therefore because the child has failed the event the the stress the project the stress to the child okay so most importantly is to know whether the child or the student the student is okay with the grant that they had okay if you if you know then you can ask them how can we help you with those grades because remember if this student got a grant that they did not they did not um a view the it's it's they asked you know they feel they failed and then you um uh you try to maybe um uh to go um to see them in a negative way this will affect them like double this will be a double tragedy yeah what about that uh that student who feels that they failed what what would you tell them well uh those that feel they failed uh you know um if you feel like you failed uh one thing you should understand is uh is uh where I where you know sometimes it's very important to be able to have some people who are looking upon you yeah but I wish it's me that hand this grant that he is saying so if you feel like you failed if you not remain at that point of failing it is I think this is the high time that you're supposed now to start asking myself what next what next because if you fail if you if you if you say that I failed today tomorrow you say I failed the next day I failed where we I'm till when you did be uh will you be saying that I I have failed and when what is the next thing that you're supposed to do I'll give you a very live example of a person that um that that was in a college in a university and he he performed um he got a grade um he did not get the grade he expected to get maybe a first class owner or maybe second class upper but unfortunately uh his performance was not that well he got um a second class lower lower division so after getting the second class lower division what he thought is that this grade you know in his mind this grade will not give me a job this grade is going to give me a job so I will remain here for the rest of my life without getting a job so what do I do to myself should I remain should I now go back to school and do another course you know so he thought because I have done this course let me try as a volunteer yeah let me start as a volunteer maybe on the way someone will fight me it will find me and help me father and therefore that is how it began and from that point experience started coming in coming in and and it was so much experienced this is not the same as the person who handles second class maybe um or a first class and and we tend at home so where do where do what you do after you realize that you this is not you this is not the thing that you are not achieved what you want him to achieve what do you do after that when you realize that this is not what I this this is below what I wanted to achieve what do you do after that you should now rearrange yourself you should rearrange yourself and know what to the next step because you're not supposed to remain at the same point forever okay so basically that's why you have walking okay and now what is the place of expectation because most failure comes as a result of expectation you know you're expecting to get this grade you're expecting to marry this passer you're expecting to get this much money but when you get this particular age so what is the place of is it okay to have expectations or should you limit expectations it's it's fine it's fine to have expectations and um it's it's okay it's okay to have expectations and to expect actually it's normal you know it's it's um it's just like the way we say stresses are stress are very very important in life because um uh if we were if I was not stressed of how I look in the studio so stress is very very important and the and same as the the expectations is they are very very important because they uh they help you you know have a target and know where you want to reach the next time because if you don't have an an expectation you just remain there you remain there okay so but once you you you try to maybe to achieve the goal that you have that is where now I'm saying most importantly is to uh they they they you come out of that experience with a lesson if failure comes in but if you succeed well and good okay amazing and now finally as we come to a conclusion on this um what what when is it right for you to to say that maybe enough is enough maybe I need to step down you're recently we had the UK prime minister stepping down and people may see that as failure because or you might think sometimes letting go is you know giving up is failing but sometimes maybe that is what is needed what is your uh say on that um you know um when when when doing something it's very important to you know uh what will will come out of it uh will maybe the person that is close to you be comfortable with what you've done will your parents be comfortable will will maybe the the friends be comfortable and therefore how will you be how will you take these if they are not comfortable how will you take it if they are not comfortable so I think um in if you if you decide to step to step to step down uh you you should consider how you will take the um the event in the event that the other people are negative about it you should be prepared for for both the positive and the negative reactions the reactions so preparation is very very important yeah amazing um maybe to conclude what would you say is key to standing against failure from all that you've said maybe you can give a summary what is key to standing against failure uh what is key uh in um in in in standing against failure number one is um understanding yourself yeah self-understanding of self-awareness being self-aware number two is self-confidence be confident in whatever that you've done uh don't always think that um I you you do not do your best be confident in what uh uh you've done you know and number three is also appraise silver subapplication because in many many cases we wait for other people to uh to tell us that we've done good but it is very it's good if you you do it yourself you appreciate yourself first before another person tells you that maybe this was not what I expected from you yeah so appreciate yourself at least you know like for instance let me give you an example if you are called for a job interview for instance and um let's say you are you are a psychologist like me there are so many people that have done um and maybe a course that I have uh in in this country for instance and therefore if I am one among maybe a hundred people that have been shortlisted that means it it's an achievement by itself so you start from there know that I've already achieved to get here before you start now you know condemning yourself that time after I went to that interview the the the results were not as I expected yeah so achievement should be appreciated and the best appreciation is self appreciation before you wait for you know another person um appreciate you because you may live your life uh entirely waiting for someone to appreciate to tell you you've done it you've done well and then you you you find out the number nobody is doing that so if you appreciate yourself over and over and over again once in a while you keep on you know appreciating yourself um you you feel good you feel nice okay now amazing thank you very much Amelia where can people get you on your social media if they want to reach out to you and that is your camera can I give up my my phone number you maybe the whatsapp phone number my number is 0707 225 956 0707 225 956 uh on facebook I um I have a page which is called mind minds we need to mind minds very important we mind mind mind minds because we mind businesses you know mind your business sometimes it's a thing that is very common but we mind our minds it's very important that people uh as well mind minds that is minding your mind and minding the other people's mind the other people's minds also protecting your mental health and out of others too yeah wow amazing thank you very much Amelia for coming on board and sharing with us this amazing insights thank you all right so that has been Emilio Morioki a trainer a counselor and a psychologist talking to us about how to stand against failure I hope you have taken something from that and now we are going to take a short break but we'll be back with more on matters entrepreneurship so stick with us talk to us at Y to 5 4 channel across all social platforms using the hashtag why in the morning