 Rochester, Larry Stevens. Rochester, I knew we were winning, but this is ridiculous. What did he make you so on? Can't leave now. I'm about to engage the enemy. Now, watch. The enemy fleet is over here. Now I swing my carriers around like this and bring my destroyers over to this side and encircle them. There you are, Rochester. Now, if you were the enemy and I had you surrounded like that, what would you do? I'd pull out the Brassca Navy as serious business. I'm proud of my appointment. In fact, I'm sorry I didn't stay with it when I was in the service 24 years ago. Yes, sir. Military life is a life for me. And those promotions, now Rochester, help me take my fleet out of the bathtub. Oh, oh, say, boss. I meant to tell you Ms. Livingston called. Oh, yes, yes. I better get ready. Boss, if you're going out, don't you think you ought to take off those medals? You're listening to poison. Say, I just happen to think of something. I promise to take my girl, Gladys the Bisco, to. I'll pick her up on the way to Ms. Livingston. I hope Gladys and Mary are ready when I pick them up. Gladys the Bisco. I've been going with her now for nine years. Yeah, I'm da-dum, da-dink, bum, bum, bum. Oh, hello there, children. Hello, Mr. Hello. You know who I am, don't you, children? I'm Jack Denny. Yes, we know. You tell us every time you see us. Oh, oh, yes, yes. Talking about you. Really? Yeah, they thought we were asleep. How long, children? He looks a lot older than 36, doesn't he? Did you say something, Sonny? No, no, goodbye. Goodbye. Ya-da-dum, da-dink, bum, da-dum, da-dum. See, they're cute kids. But that little boy looks a lot older than seven. Hello, Don. Where are you going? I'm on my way down to the express office, Jack, to pick up a set of encyclopedias. A set of encyclopedia? Yeah, I've just got to tell you, Jack. I sent in two questions to a quiz program. Boy, did I stump those experts. Well, so long, Don. So long, Jack. See, I like Don Wilson and his slide commercials. The way he tricks me into keeping my job. Really, man. Ya-da-dum, da-dink, bum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum. Phew. I better sing slower. I can't walk that fast. Ya-da-dum, da-dink, bum, da-dum, da-dum. Oh, darn it, I meant to call Larry Stevens before I left the house and find out what he was going to sing on the program this evening. When I talked to Phil, he told me about the arrangement. I remember he said they were going to use a harp and four violins. I remember he said that, too. See, that's going to be kind of nice. With the harp and the background and the violins playing the soft melody. Yep, that ought to be a beautiful number. In my dreams, that someone was always you. I never thought we'd meet someday, but not... You are the three of you. Well, I was just going over to your house to thank you for those stories you gave me. Oh, you mean how I found Mary Livingston? Mm-hmm, and how you found Rochester. Well, I'm glad you liked it. You know, those first two articles were very successful. And now my editor is interested in knowing how you found Phil Harris. Phil Harris? That's right. Well, well, OK. Walk along with me, Mr. Kearns, and I'll give you the whole story. You see, it was 10 years ago that I first met Phil Harris. I remember the day well because it was Mary's birthday, and I wanted to show her a nice time. So I got all dressed up and went over to her house and let her make dinner for me. The meal was delicious. I remember we had a thick sirloin steak, mothered and onions, and stripped with bacon. Yes, sir. That was 10 years ago. It is a terrific meal. Well, thank you, Jack. The steak is so tender and so easy to cut. It just melts in your mouth. Jack, put on your glasses. You're eating the butter. Well, anyway, Mary, it was sweet of you to invite me over to your apartment for dinner. And wait till you see the bottle of champagne I brought you for a birthday present. You know, you've heard of those famous and port of champagnes like Bintage Premier and Chateau Calais. Yeah? Well, this is a new brand. Saban. Mary, I was just thinking. Here it is, 1935. And it's been three years since I put you on my radio program. It's been over three years. Yeah. Say, Mary, what would you do if I gave you a little raise? I'd quit my job at the May Company. Don't worry, Mary. You just stick with me. In another two or three years, you won't have to work at the May Company. Except maybe Saturdays. The day will come. Well, let's not talk about that, Jack. The evening is young, and it's my birthday. So let's do something. Well, I was going to suggest something. What? Well, first, let's go over and sit on the sofa. Uh-huh. Then we'll snuggle up close to each other. Uh-huh. Then we'll turn the lights down low. Uh-huh. Then we'll tell ghost stories. How about it? Well, Mama warned me about everything but this. Why don't we go out somewhere? Let's go to the coconut grove. Well, maybe. Hey, wait a minute, Mary. I've got an idea. There's a nightclub way downtown on North Figaroa Street, and there's a new band playing there. Let's see, what's the name of that band again? Oh, yes, Phil Harris and his syncopated serenaders from the Solid South. I've never heard of him. Well, he's just coming up. And I'd like to go here, Mary, because you know I need a new orchestra for my program. All right, let's go. OK, now let's see. Where's that nightclub now? Oh, yes, on Figaroa, about six miles east of the La Brea Tar Pits. Come on, Mary. Here it is, Mary. This is the place. Holy smoke, what a nightclub. This is an awful joint. Well, Mary, you can't tell anything about it from the outside. Yeah, but look at the name of it, the Ruiz Club. So what? Ruiz fell backwards as sewer. All right, what's the difference? And look, Jack, you have to go down these stairs. Yeah. OK, let's go down. Watch your step, Mary. Johnny, father, I'll get the bends here. Bottom, Jack, here's the door. Some people dance on that bear grub. They probably sprinkle water on it to make it slippery. And it helps keep the dust down too, you know. Let's find a table. Maybe that man will get his one. Oh, yes, sir. Pardon me, are you a waiter? Well, what do you think I am with this napkin over my arm, a clothesline? Sorry, but you're dressed too nice to be working in a joint like this, you know. Oh, you mean these striped pants in this Prince Albert coat? Well, you see, I wear these clothes on my other job. Other job? Yes, I'm an undertaker's assistant. Oh. It was my idea to put the candles on the table. And now would you like me to find a table and lay you out? I mean, seat you. Yes, yes, please. Come on, Mary. Here we are. Now, what would you like to eat? Nothing, thanks. We just came in to hear the band here. Well, you might as well order something. There's a minimum charge of $0.35. $0.35? Well, I'll have a chicken sandwich and a combination salad. And I'll have a steak sandwich and French fried potatoes. Anything to drink? No. You might as well. You've got $0.15 to go. Bring us coffee. Imagine that waiter, an undertaker's assistant. Jack, look, the show's about to start. Good, I'm anxious to hear this guy, Phil Harris. Hi, you folks, and a good, good evening to each and every one of yous. Now, for our little club, this is your orchestra leader and master of the ceremonies, the one and only Phil Harris. Are you glad to see me? Sir, thank you, thank you. And we have a very lovely crowd here tonight. Hey, Mary, he's got a nice personality, you know? We'll see. And speaking of crowd folks, the funny thing happened to me on the way to the club tonight. The panhandler stopped me and said, pardon me, mister, can you let me have $1,000.05 for a cup of coffee? So I said to him, I said, look, coffee only costs a nickel. What do you want $1,000 for? So he says to me, it's going to kill you, folks. He says to me, well, I got to pay my income tax, don't I? No, lady, don't explain it to him. If you don't get it, just let him suffer, let him lay it. Don't wake him up. Hey, Mary, Mary, did you get it? I got it all over me. Why, this guy's good. Here's another one, folks. This will embalm you. Embalm you. Did somebody call for me? Get this, folks, a guy walked up to me today and said, hey, Harris, where'd you get the black guy? So I told him it was a birthmark. And he said a birthmark. And I said, yeah, I got it in the wrong birth. It's just natural, would be just natural. This guy is terrific. No, really, he'd be great on the radio. He's got something new, something different. Oh, you say that every time you see a man with hair. Oh, you just don't know clan. Now, folks, for the high spot of the show, I'm going to sing a song I wrote myself in titles. That's what I like about the song. And that's just a report, you know that, man? Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and brawlin' hammy. That's what I like about the song. Hey, now there you can't make no steaky where those dirtmen never shakey ought to taste a layer cakey. That's what I like about the song. Oh, I got a higher. She's got baked ribs and candied yams, oh, sugar cured Virginia ham. Way down south in Alabama. And that's what I like about the song. Hot corn, bread, and black eyed peas. You can eat as much as you please. Don't be sniffing fingers. That's what I like about the song. Don't take one. Have two there, dark brown and chocolate two. Suits me, they must suit you, because that's what I like about the song. Here it is, now, folks. That concludes our first floor show. But don't go away. There'll be another sensational show in five minutes. I don't care what you say. That guy, Harris, would be great on my program. I want to get him over here. Hey, waiter, waiter, will you please bring the orchestra leader over to my table? I'm sorry. He doesn't come with a 35-cent difference. Never mind the wisecracks. Bring him over here. All right, all right. I don't know, Mary. This guy, Harris, has a great person now. Cigarettes? I can raise her blade. Oh, miss, give me a pack of cigarettes, please. Yes, sir, what kind? Oh, by the way, miss, what's that you've got on your tray there, tied up in pink ribbon? That's a lock of Mr. Harris' hair, 20 cents. Well, I don't want it. You bet, and we don't share them again till the first of them up. No, thanks just the same. Hey, Mary, she's kind of cute. Oh, you fall for it. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Here comes Phil Harris. Now, Mary, I want to make an impression on him, and I want you to help me sign him for my show. Tell him what a good boss I am and how swell it is to work on the radio. And above all, what a wonderful guy I am personally, you know? Oh, but Jack, I... Here he comes. Hey, I understand one of you characters want to see me. Well, yes, yes, sit down. This is Miss Livingston. Hiya, sweet. And my name is Jack Benny. Look, bud, I ain't got much time. What'd you want to see me about? Well, I wanted to talk to you about a job. A job? Yeah. Well, look, fella, I know things are tough, but I can't use you. I don't... No, no, I don't mean that. You see, I have a radio program, and I'd like you and your band to be on my show. Well, I don't know. You see, I... Oh, but he's a wonderful man to work for. He's the nicest boss I ever had. He's just a ginger peachy boss. So pleasant, so generous. Mary, you're overdoing it. Stop licking my hand. Now, Mr. Harris. Just call me Curly. Oh. Till the first of the month. Oh, yes, the cigarette girl told me. Now, Mr. Harris, radio is a different type of work. You read music, of course. Huh? Music? No, it's a arrangement. What's that on your music rack? Termites that joins lousy with them. Harris, how could you be so young and bright when it's so dark down here? You see, Mary, this guy is terrific. Oh, look, I'm only kidding. I've been studying music since I was a baby. Why, when I was six years old, my parents used to take me to the concerts at Carnegie Hall. A six-year-old kid interested in Carnegie Hall? Well, they told me it was a burlesque show. A burlesque show? Yeah, I used to whistle when they took the cover off of the bass fiddle. Mary, this guy's got a terrific sense of humor. He'll probably be able to write my dags for me. I'll fiddle if he can just write. Now, look, Harris, I want you on my program. So if you'll meet me Sunday morning, you'll... Wait, excuse me a minute. The second floor show's about to start, and I got to introduce the singer. Oh, I'll wait till you're through. You know, Mary, I think this fella's a... Hey, Jack, look who's going to sing, the cigarette girl. Oh, yes. Hey, she's cute, you know? And now, folks, I want to introduce our singer, the sweetest little lady this side of Pismo Beach, Miss Trixie Laverne, who will sing, I'm a Helen Collie, baby. I can't you hear me calling when the rain is falling. The sun is shining. Why should I be home a- Sucker for sentimental songs. Say, that girl's singer you've got isn't bad. That Trixie Laverne. Well, look, that's just her stage name. Her real name is Gladys Tabisco. Gladys Tabisco, eh? Say, that's a pretty name, too. You know, I kind of like that, babe. Oh, come on, Jack, let's get out of here. Why, Mary, you're jealous. Oh, fine. Hey, Harris, don't forget Sunday. I'll be there. So long, Jackson. Did you hear that, Mary? He called me Jackson. No one ever called me that before. All right, folks, here's the brand-new number I wrote myself called. That's what I like, come out to town. Come with me to Alabama. Let's go see my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and boiling ham. That's what I like. Mr. Kerns is how I met Phil Harris. Well, that really is a story. And I must say, Mr. Kerns, that Phil has been very fortunate in being associated with a great star like myself, a man who's been on the radio for so many years and who, every year, almost wins the Academy. Oh, pardon me, Mr. Butler.