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The Golden Handshake

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Published on Sep 23, 2007

(c)2006 by me. All rights reserved. This song is about corruption in the Scottish Public Sector. Everything in this song actually happened, even down to certain MSP stashing Charlie in the toilets at the Scottish Parliament.

Now the deficit is rising
The workers face the chop
There's nastiness at the bottom
And evil at the top
The Council's losing money
Even as we speak
And the auditors are riding in
To try and plug the leak
Well the Chief put his golfing cronies
Into positions of authority
It's clear to all and sundry
He's a walking liability
He's got cocaine in the toilets
In case he needs a snort
And he's got the public lawyers
To keep him out of court.

What will we do?

We'll give him his golden handshake
Before the break of day
A golden handshake
And send him on his way
He's not a public servant,
He's just a party toy
Let's give a golden handshake
To our golden boy.

Now if you're into funny handshakes
We've got the job for you
You can be a magistrate
Fight for what is just and true
But when the police raided a sauna
In Ol' Hamilton
They caught the Honourable Sherriff
With his trousers down
But he used the public lawyers
To show he wasn't a dirty ol' knave
At our expense, his own defense
Was that he just went in for a shave
And the story has a happy ending
It's plain for all to see
Cos he's now in a private law firm
On a fat consultant's fee.

Yeah we gave him his golden handshake
Before the break of day
A golden handshake
And set him on his way
He used to lock up prostitutes
When he was a judge
But she gave him a happy handshake
And then he got the nudge.

Now if you're a corrupt official
You've got nothing to fear
If you do wrong we'll keep you on
Month on month and year on year
And if by chance you do get caught
and your job we must divest
you of - we'll give you a little something
So that you can invest.
So you can play with the company credit card
Stay in the honeymoon suit
Take your factfinding missions
With a little Carribbean beat
And if your ever asked to leave
Please don't be sad or blue
We'll make sure your replacement
Is someone just like you.

And then well give him his golden handshake
Before the break of day
A golden handshake
And send him on his way
He's not a public servant
He's just a party toy
Let's give a golden handshake to our golden boy.

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