 Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theatre brings you Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Buck Privess. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. To a producer, one of the most gratifying sounds in the theatre is what may be classified academically as the ventral rysis. For backstage, we have a slang name for it that I'll call the, uh, tummy laugh. Past masters at producing this phenomenon are tonight's stars, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, who hit Hollywood with the force of a hurricane less than a year ago. The picture that put them over was Buck Privess, which Universal made in the ordinary course of the studio schedule. Suddenly one day, everybody on the lot from office boy to president woke up to the fact that gold had been discovered in Universal City. Buck Privess had panned out as a bonanza. And that's the play we've picked for Abbott and Costello's debut in the Lux Radio Theatre. It's a story of life in an army camp, some highly imaginary army camp, where a tent flap opens and Abbott and Costello blow in with a draft. But of course, any similarity between this play and life in the armed forces of the Republic is purely coincidental. Plays like this speak a universal language and entertainment. Just as Lux Flakes speaks a language everybody can understand in the department of keeping things clean. A gentleman in our audience has just sent me a little anecdote along this line from his daughter in India. The daughter's letter describes her purchase of some fine silk Persian rugs from a picturesque peddler. One thing about the funny little rug man I think you should profit from, she writes, were his washing instructions. Picture in southern India, a transient rug peddler limited and broken English wandering down from the north with odds and ends of trinkets from Kashmir and rugs from Persia. We asked him how we should go about having our new treasures clean when the need should arise. His reply, not to clean careless pleas, just washing with Lux. Now that advice may be a little ungrammatical, but it shows that the fame of Lux Flakes transcends the boundaries of any country. Hiding behind the curtain now are Abbott and Costello, so we'll raise it. For the first act of Buck Privates, starring Bud Abbott as Smitty and Lou Costello as Herbie, with Benny Rubin as Sergeant Collins, Lynn Carver as Judy, and Jean O'Donnell as Bob. September the 14th, 1940. Congress passes the first peace time selective training act in the history of our nation. From the farms they come and from the factories, from quiet villages from roaring cities, the youth of America on the march, and swelling the ranks with volunteers. Step right up, fellas! Volunteers in this line, drafties over there! Keep it moving, fellas! That's an army recruiting station in a vacant movie theater with a long line of men outside. But just down the street are two boys who haven't heard the news yet. These two boys don't know what day it is. One of them doesn't even know what time it is. They're up to their old tricks. Selling neckties on street corners. Now, gather round me, gents. Just a little closer. Thank you, thank you. That's fine. Now, gents, I don't want to give you any sales talk, but never in my life have I ever had the opportunity of presenting such merchandise. Look at these neckties. Feel that material. Pardon me, will you please step aside, mister, and let that little fat boy in? Like to buy a tie, sonny? Yes, sir. How much money have you got? I've got a vicinity of $28. Oh, you've got $28? In a vicinity. In the neighborhood I've got three bucks. You have three dollars. Yes, sir, roughly speaking. When you're smoothed it out, I've got a buck. Wait a minute, just a minute. Then you have a dollar. I've got a dollar. All right, just hand it over, please. Thank you. The gentleman buys ten ties. Ten for a dollar is cheap. I'll take ten of them. Hey, Fatty, how can he sell ties that cheap? Oh, that's easy, mister. We ain't got no overhead. We ain't even got a license to sell ties. I get it now. You two guys are working in cahoots. The whole thing's a jib. Those ties ain't even worth a nickel. I'm going to call a cop. Hey, open. Now look what you did. Grab those ties and let's get going before the cops come. Hurry up. We'll hop on that green and white taxi cab. All right. Step on it, driver. We're trying to get away from a cop. Now ain't that just dandy? Smitty, it's a cop. We're in a police car. Let me out of here! Come on, Harvey. You got the ties? I got them. Boy, we sure got away from that dumb cop. Come on, we've got to hide somewhere. Hey, Smitty, let's hide in the movies. What movies? That line over there. They must be going in to see a picture. Looks like it. Well, let's get in line and buy a couple tickets. Okay. Excuse me, brother. Hey, what's the idea? I want to get in line. Well, get in the back where you belong. Oh, tough guy, huh? You want to fight? Take your coat off. All right, my coat's off. Now what? It's much cooler this way, ain't it? No. Please cut it out, Harvey. No fighting. Let's get the tickets. Okay. Hey, look. Look at the way they dressed the ticket seller. Like a soldier. Hello, fellas. What can I do for you? Oh, that's good. We want to know how much it costs to get in. Not a thing, boys. As a matter of fact, we're going to give you $21. You're going to give us $21? Uh-huh. Bank night. Hey, giving any dishes away? Nope. Tin plates. Tin plates? That's a novelty, Smitty. Now we can start a new set. Sure. Oh, come on. Step inside. Hurry up, Harvey. Or we won't get a seat. Okay. Hey, you sure? Yeah. What pictures playing in here? What picture? You're in the Army now. Oh, that's well. I never saw that picture. Hey, uh, Joe. A couple of new customers. Well, fine, fine. Hello, boys. Grafty? No, not a bit. You feel Grafty, Smitty? Not me. I feel very comfortable in this joint here. Well, good. Now let's get you registered. Yeah, come on. Let's get registered before the drawing starts. Uh, you think you're going to win, huh, Smitty? Sure. Uh, sign right here, please. Oh, please. Oh, boy. What polite usures. Quiet, please. And now let me have your signature right here, please. I'd be delighted. And I hope I win. Everybody is so happy around here. Well, congratulations, men. We're glad to have you in the Army. Thank you. We're very glad to be here. What? Oh, Smitty, the same cop. Yeah, it's the same cop. What's the matter, officer? I owe these guys a pinch. Come on, boys. Wait a minute. They're in the Army, officer. You can't touch them now. There. You see, wise guy? I'll be seeing you, boys. We're stationed at nine. The officer dismissed us. You mean we're fired before we even get started? Oh, no. We have time off till seven o'clock. Hello, fellas. Got a match? Sure, here. Thanks. My name's Martin, Bob Martin. Hi, your neighbor. I'm Smitty. This is Herbie. Hello, Herbie. Were you drafted too? No, sir. I'm in voluntary volunteer. Oh, Martin, will you get my hat? I left it near the room. I think you'd better get it yourself, Mr. Parker. What's that? I'm not working for you anymore. Now, look, Martin, I thought we had it understood. If we happen to get in the same company, I wanted you to keep right on with your job. I'll pay you, of course. Thanks. But we're just a couple of buck privates. Now, you won't need a chauffeur, Mr. Parker. All right, Martin. I won't be in very long anyhow. But maybe if you behaved yourself, I could get you out with me. Through your father, I suppose. Well, he has a little influence in Washington, you know. What do you say? I'm not having any thank you. I'll serve my time like everybody else. Go ahead. Mr. Parker, I've worked for you for two years, haven't I? That's right. It's been quite an experience. I've carried you upstairs and put you to bed any number of times. Yes, but why bring that up? Remember that night I froze both my ears waiting for you and that accident you had when I took the rap and went to jail for you. Look, Martin, let's not reminisce. Yeah, but we're in the Army now, so I think it's about time I tendered my resignation. Very well, tender it. Yes, sir. Would you mind putting up your hands, Mr. Parker? Anything to oblige an old friend. So long, Mr. Parker. I'll see you at camp. Well, what do you think of that? You know, Smitty, that gives me an idea. Yeah, what? I've been working for you for six years. So? Now we're in the Army. Well? And it's all your fault. What do you mean? So I'm going to tender you my resignation. Herbie, Herbie, you hit me. Smitty, help me, I didn't mean it. I must be going out of my head. Yeah. You're my best friend. Not now. I didn't realize that I hit you. I don't know. Oh, Smitty. Never mind. I'll never get away with it again. I know you won't. Please, Smitty. Do me a favor, will you, Smitty? No. Hit me right in the chin and make me happy. I will not. Oh, Smitty. No! Don't let me go through life with that on my mind. Hit me right in the push, will you, Smitty? Make me happy, right in the kisser. All right. And I had a coax him to do it. And when you hear that whistle, hop to it. Now fall out into a train. Red soldier, compliment to the Army. Judy. Bob. Judy, great. What are you doing here? Well, I joined the Army. Go on. No, really. I'm a camp hostess now. We're going to add the feminine touch. Say, that'll make being grafted more popular. I think it's pretty popular right now. Yeah. Cigarettes, Bob. Thanks. See you later, Judy. Chewing gum, apples. Oh, hello, soldier. Hello, Miss. Likes and cigarettes? No, ma'am. Well, how about an apple? Have you got a lollipop? I'm sorry. Why, you like lollipop? Oh, I'm just a sucker for those things. Cigarettes, apples. Hey, you know what, Smitty? Gee, she's a nice looking soldier. Oh, stop looking at her. I was only looking at her to see if she was looking at me to see if I was looking at her. Oh, keep quiet. What do you always pick up? My name's Randy Parker. Hi, Mr. Parker. I'm Judy Gray. Well, see you at camp. Oh, now wait. Don't go. Oh, but I have to. I'm on duty. A hostess's first duty is to keep the soldiers happy. I won't be unless we get better acquainted. We'll have plenty of time to become acquainted. Oh, but I'll be out of the Army in a week. Sit down. I'm sorry. Come on. Will you please let me go? Not until we're better acquainted. Please. What goes on here? What's the matter, Judy? Oh, it's nothing, Bob. Just a fresh recruit trying out the manual of arms. Forget it. Judy, I'm running out of gum. Do you have any? Coming, Patty. I better tell you something, Parker. Stay away from that girl. I'll take my own company. Thanks. Maybe on Park Avenue, but not in the Army. Keep away from Judy. Come on, Dice, do your duty. Seven for Parker. Come on, just this once. And there they go. Ha! Freedom and weed, boys. Seven to natural. Come on, put your money down, boys. Put your money down. Hey, Smitty. How are you? Hello, Herbie. What are you doing? Your pal, Smitty, just gave us a lesson in Dice. Oh, yeah? How do you like that? Playing Dice on a choo-choo train? Yeah. Oh, boy. What is that? Dice. Dice? Watch Dice. That's a game. Nice game. Do you ever play a game of Dice? Oh, no. Not me. I play games. Oh, I play games, but I don't play that game at Dice. What do you play? I play high spy, and I play post office, and then I play jacks. Jacks? I'm up to my foursies. Oh, no, no, no. This is a real game. You see, there's numbers on there from one to six. You roll them out. Now, if you should roll a six and a one, that's seven. That's a natural. You win. If you should roll a five and a two, that's seven. That's a natural. You win. If you should roll a four and a three, that's seven. That's a natural. You win. That's all you do is win. Well, no. Oh, you can lose, too. Well, yes. If you throw like two ones, that's crap. She'll lose. If you throw two sixes, that's crap. She'll lose. In other words, seven you win and crap. She'll lose. Hey, you can win and you can lose. That's all there is to it. Nice game. You want to play it? I love to. All right. There you are. There's a dice. Now, wait a minute before you roll them out. Of course, if you roll them out and you make a seven, what are you in? Nothing. Well, you don't want to win. Nothing, do you? Not that I can help with. Well, certainly not. So I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll each put $10 down. That's it. Smitty. All right. Don't call this gambling, will you? No, no, no, no. I don't want my mother to find out about this. Don't worry about that. We'll call it bank night. All right. We'll call it bank night. Okay, go ahead. Now, what do I do with these square things? You just roll them out and if you should throw a seven, you win and crap, she'll lose. Throw them out? That's all. Here I go. Never played the game, huh? Put your $10 down. There you are. It's down. I mean, you had it in your hand. I want it down. There it is. It's down now. Keep it down right now. Get your foot off it. Get your foot off it. All right. All right. All right. Stay clear of that 10. All right. There you are. It's all clear. Go ahead. Roll them out. Okay. Here I go. Let him go. Seven. I win. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I forgot to tell you. Don't pick up the money right away. I got to pick up the money now. Not now. Not now. You pick it up later. Oh, you want me to wait until the money gets up to my chin? Then I ship it down by truck. That's the idea, yes. You never played it, huh? No, sir. All right. Well, what do you want to shoot for now? Fade that. Keep your hands to yourself. Wait a minute. What do you mean, fade that? Don't slap me in the face. Thought you told me you never played this game. Well, it ain't a bit nice. Now, keep your hands to yourself. Just a minute. I don't like it. That's all. You told me... You're going to write this, slap me in a push. Just a minute. You told me you never played this game. I never played the game before. And that's that. Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. Where did you get that fade that? It just got to me out of thin air. Oh, I'm right. Are you sure you never played this game? Yes, sir. I'm surprised that you submitted for you even to... Doubt. Doubt. All right. All right. Never mind. Doubt. All right. I'll take another chance. There you are. Roll them out. Go ahead. Forget about it. Seven you win, perhaps you lose. Same thing. And I want to remind you once more. Now, keep your hands to yourself because I don't like that. Don't make those remarks. I don't like them. You can kick me. Don't slap me. Never mind. I'm lucky. Yes. Well, I guess it's beginner's luck. All right. What do you want to shoot now? Well, let her ride. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Not just a minute. Just a minute. I'm telling you, now keep your hands to yourself. I don't go for it now. Don't give me that. Now come on. Now speak up like a man. Now, boot me around, but don't slap me. Just a minute. I don't go for that. Don't tell me you got that out of... I'll quit the army, sir. Just a minute. I resign. I quit. You can't quit. I had a better offer from the Navy. Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. Now, I knew it. I'm sorry. Then you did play the game. Not me, Smith. I'm not lying. Honest. Come on. Speak up. I was at the clubhouse one night. I saw a bunch of the kids. And they was all around the table. And they had lumps of sugar with some numbers on them. Guts. And they was throwing them out. And they was yelling those kind of things. Oh. Oh. But you didn't play in the game. Oh, no, sir. Oh. I was too young. I'm just a boy. No, I know that. They wouldn't let me play. Well, I understand it now. It's all right. I'm going up with girls. Oh, sure. Oh, I should. Yes. Here you are. You see, those kind of things, when I say those things, I'm at the edge where I pick them up. I know that. I know that. I appreciate that. Because you're a smart boy. You can't blame me for that. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Yeah, go. That's the boy. Whee! Four. Little Joe. Little Joe, eh? Now, Smitty, I'll tell you... Now, don't give me that. No more slapping me in the face now. Uh-huh. I don't go for that. That's all. Little Joe. Clubhouse, eh? I'll fix you in that clubhouse. Pick up those dice. Not until you say please. Pick them up. Say please. Pick them up. Well, it's a good thing you didn't say it. Now, wait a minute. Just before you roll them out. If you should roll a seven, before you make that four, you lose. Yes, ma'am. Well, yes, what? Yes, sir. That's better. You've got to be one of the other ones. I never mind. I can go ahead and just roll the dice out. Now, forget seven. You lose. Four is your point. Whee! Three. You lose. How come? Well, what did you roll the first time? Four. What did you just roll? Three. Well, four and three is what? Seven. Now, you lose. Oh, you add them up. Oh, you didn't learn that at the clubhouse, did you? You never said nothing about add them up, Smitty. Never mind. Now, we'll play it... Smitty's cheating. Smitty's cheating. Never mind. Now, we'll play it my way. You're going to use my money now? Yes, sir. Come on, put it down. Okay. Put it all down. I'll put it all down. I'll put it all down. Put it all down. Can I count it? Well, count it if you want. Twenty dollar bill, then a twenty dollar bill, ten dollar bill, another twenty dollar bill. Yeah. What'd you throw out there? Somebody put a buck in here. All right. Here they go. Watch them. Here we are. Here we are. Huh. Eleven. That's a winner. Eleven. That's a natural. See, eleven is a winner. No, no. Leave the money down. Now, wait a minute. Leave the money down, Smitty. I give you another chance. You were good to me. I'm good to you. All right, all right. Six. Six is the point. Six. Here they go again. Watch them. Six strike back. I win. Leave the money alone. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Leave the money alone. You lose. I don't lose. What did you roll the first time? Six. What did you just roll? Six. Six. Six. Six. Six. Six. Six. Six. Just wait and see. Now listen very closely. If runs in stockings are you fate wants before it is late. Luck them, luck them every night and save them from have old like. Good advice just now with stockings more precious than ever. Let's sing it again. If runs in stockings are remember you face before it is late. Yes, with sheer stockings and a premium these days women must be extracure to give them gentle care, harsh soaps or cake soap rubbing, weaken elasticity, then stockings pop into runs. Lucks them, lucks them every night and save them from that awful plight. Lucks save stockings elasticity. And here's an important point. Soil and perspiration should never remain in stockings to weaken the fibers, so be sure to lucks stockings after every wearing. With new quick lucks it takes only a minute or so and this gentle care has been proved to cut down runs. It's Carol Hona preachy-aid. Silk, nylon, cotton, rayon or wool. Give all your stockings gentle lucks care. Over 90% of the makers of all these kinds of stockings recommend lucks flicks. Buy a big box tomorrow and save your stockings with new quick lucks. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille, act two of Buck Privates, starring Bud Abbott as Smitty and Lou Costello as Herbie. The Buck Privates 15,000 strong have arrived at camp. They're not an army yet, but in those straggling ranks is the raw material of a mighty fighting force. On the parade ground, Company K stands at attention as an officer passes down the line. As I said before, I'm Captain Williams, commanding officer of this company, and I'm just as new to you as you are to me, but we all have the same job ahead of us. A great many people are counting on our success. People from all walks of life who are giving to this great national defense program just as much as you or I. No one expects you to be seasoned soldiers overnight, but we're going to do everything we can to help you in every possible way. And I believe that if we all work together, that we'll make K Company a unit of which any regiment can be proud. Sergeant Callahan, appoint acting corporals and assign the men to the tent. Yes, sir. All right, men. Count on. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. All right, all right, host next. All right! Come on, men, get those bunks made up. Caps blew five minutes ago. Now get to work. That's a nice job, Parker. I never knew you made your own bed at home. I must have forgotten to tell you. Hurry up, Herbie. Make up that bed. Fine thing. Twenty-one bucks a month to be a chambermaid. Man! Hey, Smitty, that voice sounds familiar. Hey, too familiar. It's that cop, the one who was going to pinch us. Come on. Let's get out of here. Grab your stuff. Quick. Well, well, look who's here. So you two boys are in my section, eh? Not anymore. We're resigning. Come on, Herbie. There you go. Where do you think you're going? To collect my social security. You can't collect your social security till you're 65. Seeing you, I age 35 years. Put that grip down. Put it down! Sergeant. Yeah? I got a confession to make. Well? I ain't got my nightie on yet. Get in it! Smitty, I don't think that guy likes me. Why? Hey, you. What's your name? Parker. Where did you learn to make up a bunk? Military school. Why didn't you tell the first sergeant? He might have made you an acting corporal. You can have the whole army. By next week, I'll be through with it. Well, you're the one they've been talking about, eh? The dude with all the drag. That's me, Sarge. Well, drag yourself into that bunk. You've got a long day ahead of you, Tamara. And everybody quiet! Sergeant. Yeah? Will you tell me a bedtime story? Sheriff! Recreation hall. Soldiers are privileged to come to the recreation hall whenever they're off duty. You know, it's very nice of you to show me around, Miss Gray. Yes, I'm sure you had never found it yourself, Private Parker. Oh, never. Look, Judy, I want to talk to you. How about forgetting what happened at the station? I've already forgotten it. Well, it was your own fault, you know. My fault? Certainly. You shouldn't be so beautiful. Hey, Private Parker! Yes? Private Parker! I got a message for you. Captain Williams wants to see you. Oh, that's fine. Maybe hurting the old man. I better go, Judy. Of course. You wait here. I'll be right back. Say, Herbie, who gave you that message? I happen to know that Captain Williams just left camp for the weekend. I got a message for you, too. You have? That guy over there, Bob Martin. He wants to see you. Okay, Herbie. I'll take over now. Thanks, pal. Say, what is this? You may not know it, but you've just been rescued. I what? The captain doesn't want to see Parker, but I want to see you. Oh, the old army game, huh? Come on outside, Judy. I want to show you the moment. All right, Bob. But I've got to come right back. Oh, boy. I feel just like Cuban. Ah! How are you? Oh, Herbie, old boy. How are you, Smitty? I'm doing pretty good. You know, you're looking great, fella. You know, I was just standing over there thinking, now there's a real soldier. Yes, Herbie, you are really, Herbie. You look swell and uniform. You know, I'm proud to be your friend. You can stop right there. I ain't got a penny. No, no, no, no. Not a penny. Anytime you talk like that, it's going to cost me something, brother. Herbie, I didn't ask you for any money. I know, but you got that look in your eye. No, no, no, no. Did I ask you for any money? Now, listen. You cleaned me up in that crap game, didn't you? You gave me a lesson. That's all I know. No, by the way, will you do me a favor? Here it comes. I know it. What is it? Herbie, I'm broke. You broke me a few bucks, will you? How many bucks is a few bucks? Very little. All I need is $50. $50? Smitty, I can't lend you $50. Oh, yes, you can. No, I can't. All I got is $40. All right. Give me the $40. Okay, here. Fine. Now, you owe me $10. Okay. I owe you $10. All right. Wait a minute. Smitty, how come I owe you $10? Well, what did I ask you for? You asked me for $50. And how much did you give me? And I gave you $40. So, you owe me $10. Excuse me. That's right. That's okay. Why, you owe me $40? No, no, no, no. Don't change the subject. I'm not changing the subject. You're trying to change my finances. Come on, now, Smitty. Give me back my $40. No, right here. Take it. There's your $40. Now, give me the $10. You owe me. Okay, here. I'm paying you on account. On account? On account? I don't know how I come to owe it to you. That's the way you feel about it. That's the last time I'll ever ask you for the loan of $50. Just a minute, Smitty. Don't get sore at me. Why not? How can I lend you $50 now? All I got is $30. Well, give me the $30 and you owe me $20. This is getting worse all the time. What do you mean? First, I owe you $10. Now, I owe you $20. Why do you run yourself into debt? I'm not running in. You're pushing me. I can't help it if you can't handle your finances. I do all right with my money. You're doing all right with mine, too. Now, wait a minute. Well, look, I asked you for the loan of $50 and you gave me $30. So you owe me $20. $20 and $30 is $50. No, no, no. $25 and $25 is $50. All right. All right. Here's your $30. Now, give me back the $20 you owe me. I don't know. Something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but something's screwy. You're a fine guy. Who won a pal $50? How can I lend you $50? All I got now is $10. Well, listen, to show you that I'm your pal, you want to double that money? Goodbye, Smitty. I'll see you around. Now, wait a minute. Listen, listen. Go on. I'll see you some other time. Just a minute. Now, wait a minute. I don't want that kind of money. On the up and up with me all the time. You know that. Now, look, take a number. Any number at all from one to ten. And don't tell me. I got it. Is the number odd or even? What's three? No, don't tell me. Who I call him? I told him. I'm not supposed to tell you. That's right. I don't want that kind of money. I shouldn't tell him. No. I'm truthful, though. I know, but I'd be cheating you that way. Yeah. Come on. Now, let's start all over again. Let's start all over again. Now, take a number. I got it. Now, is the number odd or even? Even. Is the number between one and three? No. Between three and five? I think I got him. Is the number between five and seven? Yeah. Number six? Right. All right, I win. Give me the ten. Thanks. How did he do that? Come in, Parker. Now, you're not here to see Captain Williams again, are you? No, sir. I'm supposed to see the general this time. Just a minute. Private Parker's here, sir. Oh, yes. Send him in. Private Parker reporting, sir. At ease. Well, Parker, I believe you know this gentleman here. I believe so. Hello, Dad. How are you, my boy? Well, let me see you. Well, you're looking better than your letters indicated. I feel fine. I thought you'd forgotten about me, Dad. Did you fix everything up in Washington? Well, I had a little difficulty, but everything is arranged. Oh, that's fine. Why don't you take a look around the grounds while I get out of my uniform? I can't, son. Why not? Because I have to return to Washington at once. And because you're not getting out of that uniform. But what you just said that you... I just fixed everything up. Well, I have. Parker, it seems that your father has a little more respect for army life and army institutions than you have. Excuse me, sir. I don't understand all this. It's not very difficult, Randy. This camp may be short of sport roasters and chorus girls, but it's excellently equipped to make a man out of a playboy. You're going to stay here and put in your time. And you're going to like it. You are the six dumbest rookies I've ever had the misfortune of grilling. Oh, gee. Thanks, Sarge. Quiet! Oh, me? Step out here, yes. How can you be so stupid? I don't know. It just comes to me natural. Just see that you get it. Private Smith. Right here, Sergeant. Smith, you seem to know what this is all about. I want you to take these men and work with them all day and see if you can work some sense into them. I'm exhausted! Yes, sir. Oh, boy. Hi, Smithy. You're going to be the captain, huh? Detail. Attention. It's all right, fellas. Don't get nervous. He's my pal. Anything I want to do, it's okay with me. You? Wipe that smile off your face. Are you kidding? Attention you. Look, pal, it's me, Pat Herbie. Quiet! One more worried out of you and I'll slam you into the jug. Okay. Go ahead, Smithy. You want to be a big man? You're the captain. You're the general. What are you doing? You're the commander. I'm promoting you in a hurry. What are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? I'm talking to myself. I don't talk so loud. Well, I got to hear what I got to say. Quiet. Count off. One, two, three. Bingo. Stop it. You behave yourself. You understand? I won't warn you again. I'll get your chin up. Get it up. All right. Don't hit it. It's getting up. Get it up. What do you hit me under the chin for? I'll do as I want. Throw out your chest. Huh? Get it out. Way out. Way out. Way out. Throw it out. I'm not truer to you. Quiet. Don't talk to him. Give me a hand. You just keep quiet. I'll do the talking. Go ahead. You do the talking. That's right. Report me. Go ahead. Never mind that. Put me in a break. I don't care. I'll put you someplace. Right shoulder. Arms. I said right shoulder arms. That's your left shoulder. I'm left-handed. Get it over there. It feels better over here. Get it over there. Never saw such a temper on a guy. Big man. Quiet. Okay, it's over there. Keep quiet. It's over there. I'll put it on the other side. Keep it over there. What difference does that make? What side you put it on? Leave it over there. The board's got to come out the same way. Never mind that. What I know about a gun anyway. You were told how to handle a gun. He gives me a gun. He says go ahead. Shoot at will. That's all you have to do. Three million guys on the other side. I've got to pick out a guy named Will. Never mind. Give me a gun like that Sergeant Collins has got. What do you mean? He's got a nice gun. Shoot bullets for three miles and throws rocks the rest of the way. You just... Detail. Left shoulder arms. Right shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Right shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Right shoulder arms. All right. All right. All right. Make up your mind. I'm going home. Come back here. I forgot something. I'm going home. What did you forget? I forgot to stay there. Never mind that. Get rid of it. Right shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Right shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Left shoulder arms. Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Why not? It ain't loaded. Look. Herbie, take that gun away from your temple. It's a matter of getting scared. It ain't loaded. Look. Herbie, drop that gun. Okay. Herbie! Herbie! Herbie! Don't fade! Don't fade, Herbie! It's too late. Oh, hello, Private Parker. You going my way? Thanks, no. I'm waiting here for someone. Oh. Well, if you're waiting for Private Martin, I'm afraid he won't be able to keep his date with you. Oh. Oh, I think I understand the captain wanted to see him. Not exactly. He's shooting with the company rifle team, and they're having some sort of a contest. Oh, yes, I heard with those boys from Tennessee. But I thought you were the star of the team. Well, I wasn't until this morning, and then the strangest thing happened. My wrist. I could hardly move it. I told Captain Williams about it, and he replaced me with the sixth man on the score sheet. Oh, and, uh, Bob was the sixth man, of course. Of course. Well, how does your wrist feel now? Why, it's much better, thanks. In fact, it's completely cured. In other words, you walked out on your teammate just to chisel a date with me, is that it? Well, you're a lot more attractive than a target. I think you ought to know something, Mr. Parker. I don't think it will matter to you, but the men you sold out bet every cent they had on the team. That means on you. They did. They never mentioned it to me. They... All right, I'll make their losses good. With what? Money? What else can I do? It's just that easy for you, isn't it? Well, I'll tell you one thing. There's no price tag on loyalty or friendship. I didn't ask for this uniform. Why should I take it seriously? After what you did today, the only friend you'll have in camp is a guy that looks at you out of the mirror. And if he had any sense, he'd keep as far away from you as I'm going. Wait a minute. Wait, if one of Parker had shown up... Yeah, that gag about hurting his hair, that was a hot one. Cost me your ridiculous hair. I bet 10 bucks on that guy. Let me see. Can I have a 21? I ain't gonna get rich that way. I'm sorry we lost the rifle, Matt. What do you mean, we? I want to make your losses good. Just tell me how much you dropped. I think I'll take a walk. There's a strange smell around here. Oh, wait a minute. I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do? Backflips? Yeah, wise guy, and we're just the boys who can flip. Don't you suck him, Harry. I had that pleasure myself once, and I'd like another crack at him now. All right, Martin, let's go. Go ahead. Don't fight. Don't fight now. Oh, stop. I don't want to see anybody get hurt. Don't interfere, Herbie. I gotta interfere, Smitty. Somebody's gonna get hurt. Stop it. Will you follow us before somebody gets hurt? Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Herbie. Oh, you see? He got me. He sucked me right in the eye. I told you not to interfere. Look out, fellas. Here comes the Sarge. What's going on in there? Hey, boys, cut it out. The Sarge. Jiggers, jiggers, the Sarge. What is this? What's the matter in here? Nothing at all, Sarge. Nobody was fighting in here, honest. Now, then how'd you get that black eye? What black eye? Have I got a black eye? Listen, you. I don't know what's going on in here, but I'll bet you are in the middle of it. You said it. Cut it out, see? Or you'll find yourself on KP. Now, I want it quiet in here. I don't want to hear another peep out of you guys, or there's going to be trouble. What an army. What a sergeant. Give me liberty or give me death. Benjamin Franklin, or vice versa. I'm getting sick of it, Smitty. I don't know why he's always picking on me. Don't, don't feel so bad, please. That guy sucked me right in the eye. Well, it's your own fault. Not around it, mind you. Right in it. I know it. Here, Herbie. You can listen to my radio. Thanks, Smitty. It's all right. Who's doing that? Who's playing that radio? Nobody. It's playing by itself. Well, turn it off. Turn it off! All right! The men have to get up at 5.45 in the morning. Now, keep it quiet in here. See, Smitty? See what I mean? Go on and play the radio. Wait a minute. You heard what the guy said. He said keep it quiet. Don't play the radio. What are you worrying about? He's only the sergeant. What's the matter? Are you scared of him? No. Go on and play the radio all you like. Play it loud. Okay. Didn't I tell you that the men were sleeping? Didn't I tell you they've got to get up at 5.45 in the morning? Now, don't play it. Okay. Is there any more noise in here? I'm going to get good and sore. Now, quiet! Go on and play the radio. Smitty, the man said don't play it in parentheses. He said it. Go on. Go on. Play the radio. Listen, you're an American citizen, aren't you? Yes, sir. This is a free country, isn't it? Sure. What are you worrying about? Go on and play the radio. He comes in here again. I'll tell him off. You will? Sure, I will. Don't forget now. Tell him off. You just leave it to me. Shut it off! Listen, you. Go ahead, Smitty. Didn't I tell you not to play that thing? Didn't I tell you that the men were asleep? Smitty, when are you going to tell him? Shut up and you listen to me. Wait a minute, sergeant. My friend's got something to tell you. Smitty! He ain't going to tell me anything. He's asleep. Sleep! Smitty! Smitty, wake up. Don't go to sleep with me at a time like this. Smitty! Leave him alone. Okay. I'm going to give you one more chance. But don't get funny, see? All right. One more cracker to you, and I'll shake you up like a terrier shakes a rat. I'd like to see you do it. Oh, you. That wasn't me. That wasn't me. I didn't say a thing, brother. I heard you. You said you'd like to see me do it. I didn't say that. No, I didn't. Well, who said it then? Who said it? Smitty, wake up. Where's the sergeant? He wants to tell you something. Why don't you behave? Why don't you be quiet like your buddy here? Yeah. He's quiet all right. Don't open your mouth, because if you do, I'm going to close it for you. This is your last chance, buddy. All right. One more wise remark, and I'll punch you right in the nose. I'd like to see you do it. In just a moment, Mr. DeMille will bring our stars, Bud Abbott and Luke Costello back to the microphone for Act Three of Buck Privates. Ladies, did you ever wash a sweater and have it come out half of its original size and all faded and scratchy into the bug? Well, it's maddening and expensive, isn't it? Why not take a tip from a woman who knows a lot about sweaters and how to care for them? She's a lady from Canada, and she sends us an interesting story. Will you read it, Sally? Mm-hmm. She says, I have a number of sweaters which I received from the old country made of the finest wool. Some of them are three or four years old, but you'd never know it by looking at them. Their color hasn't faded one bit, and they're still as soft as when I first got them. Yet I can truthfully say that I've washed them between 40 and 50 times, always in lukewarm lux suds. Ah, that's a fine tribute to Lux, Sally. You know, it's not surprising that new quick lux is by far the most popular way to care for sweaters. First of all, it's so gentle and mild, and then it's so fast. In water as cool as your hand, ideal temperature for washing sweaters, new quick lux dissolves three times as fast as any of ten other popular soaps tested. Finally, it's thrifty. A little lux goes a long way. You know, I think you ought to warn women about two things that are very hard on sweaters, Mr. Ruick. Two things that may shrink them badly. Hot water is one, and the other is cake soap rubbing. You're right, Sally. With lux, you don't need hot water, and there's no rubbing either. So you can see why woolen stay lovely-looking longer with lux care. Now, Sally, how about giving the ladies of our audience the lux method for washing a sweater? Well, first, draw the outline of your sweater on a piece of heavy paper for a pattern. Then whip up some rich, cool lux suds and just squeeze them through the sweater. Don't rub. Rinse in water as cool as the suds. Press out the moisture in a Turkish towel and then lay the sweater flat on your paper pattern and ease it into its original shape. Pin it with rust-proof pins and leave it to dry. After it's dry and you've taken the pins out, press the edges gently with a warm iron over a damp cloth to take the pin marks out. Thanks, Sally. Remember, new quick lux is safe for everything safe in water alone. It comes in the same familiar box and it doesn't cost you a cent more. Now, Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone. Curtain rises on the third act of Buck Privates. Several weeks have gone by and the boys from Company K are rounding into form. The sergeant says that some of them are born soldiers, but the two of them never should have been born at all. He refers, of course, to Herbie and Smitty. Now, in the recreation hall, there's a boxing match about to begin. Our two Buck Privates are in the front row. Just a minute, men. In the next match, Private Bill McGuire of L Company challenges any man, particularly any man, from Company K. Wait a minute, just a minute. All right, men of Company K, are we going to let him get away with it? Surely not. Somebody from our company should volunteer to fight him. Adam, boy, Herbie. It's okay. We've got our volunteer. Let's go. What volunteer? Who volunteered? Why, you did, Herbie. That was only a suggestion. Come on, come on. Take off your shirt. Wait a minute, Smitty, stop. I don't want to fight that fella. I ain't even mad at him. You mean to say you're scared of that little guy over there? I mean to tell you that I am. Don't be silly. Here he comes now. Look at him. Oh, hello, soldier. Hey, who are you? I'm the fella you're going to fight. May the best man win, old man. Smitty. Is that the guy? That's the guy. How much does he weigh? Oh, 118. 118? Yeah. Let me at him. I'll murder the bruiser. Sure you will. Hey, Smitty. I can picture myself now. The whole place is crowded. Yes. I'm coming down the aisle. I jump in a ring. I throw off my robe, and the whole crowd lets out a terrific roar. Well, what happened? I forgot to put on my pants. Time for crunks. Sit down on this corner. Let me at him, will you? Now, listen, kid. When you get out there in the ring, when you get him out there alone, you understand? Give him that old one-three. One-three. One-three. Yeah. What happened to two? Two you get. That's what I was afraid of. And there's been a little change. A change, he says. Private McGuire has been taken sick. We're going to substitute roaring Bill McGonagall, former contender for the heavyweight championship. Down, sit down. Smitty, don't hold on. Let's go. Stop it. You can't run now. Just give me a chance and watch me. Now, listen, you're staying right here now. Quiet. All right, Herbie. Deb up here. I'm referee in this boat. Oh, that's fine. McGonagall, come here. Women little pieces. This is a guy right here. Him? You mean an ambulance? I don't mean the good humor, man. Come below the belt. You mean I can't hit him like that? Why don't you stop some of those punches? You don't see any of them getting by, do you? You've got a horse shoe in your glove. Then that guy must have the rest of the horse in his. Pal, wake up. Aw. Come on, wake up, Herbie. Wake up. That's the boy. Is it over? Hmm. It's all over, pal. You know something? I hear birds singing. Well, sure. It's morning, pal. Oh, morning? Mm-hmm. What morning? Tuesday. What day was the fight? Friday. Friday? Mm-hmm. I had a long rest, didn't I? Yes, sir. Company cave! Hey, what goes on? We're going on manoeuvre. What's manoeuvre? It's like a sham battle. A sham battle? I should have stayed in bed. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the radio audience. This is Terry Mazin, speaking you directly from a central observation point for the most extensive army manoeuvres ever attempted by the United States in peacetime. From my post, I can see several miles of the battlefield. I'm looking through my glasses now toward Skeleton Cliff, one of the points of defense for the Blue Army. It's a huge hill of granite with only one possible means of approach, the west side. The other sides are sheer drops of 100 to 200 feet. It's a neat problem for the Red Army. Hey, keep walking. Hey, I can't walk no further, Smitty. My feet are killing me. No wonder. You've got two left shoes on. Is that wrong? Well, certainly. Well, you're dumb. I don't know what's wrong with you, Smitty. You certainly are dumb. Well, what do you mean? And to prove to you how dumb you really are, suppose you had $10 in one pants pocket and $5 in the other pants pocket. What would you have? The Captain's pants on. No. Silly answers. Ask me something with a little sense to it. Will you answer it? Yeah. All right, look. All right, say you're 40 years old. You're 40 years old and you're in love with a little girl say 10 years old. This one's going to be a pimp. Now, wait till I finish it. Now, I'm going around with a 10-year-old girl. Well, wait a minute. You've got a good idea where I'm going to wind up. Now, just a minute. Just a minute, look. You're 40 years old and you're in love with this little girl 10 years old. Now, you're four times as old as the girl. You couldn't marry or could you? Not unless I come from the mountain. Now, let's... You're 40. She's 10. You're four times as old as the girl. So, you wait five years. Now, the little girl is 15. You're 45. Now, you're only three times as old as that little girl. So, you wait 15 years more. Now, the little girl is 30. Now, you're 60. Now, you're only twice as old as that little girl. She's catching up. Yes. Now, here's the question. How long do you have to wait before you and that little girl become the same age? Now, wait a minute. That whole thing is ridiculous. Nothing ridiculous. If I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me up. What do you mean? She'll pass me up all in my am. What are you talking about? And she'll have to wait for me. Why should she wait for you? I was nice enough to wait for her. Hi, Randy. What's cooking? Listen, you fellas got to help me. Bob Martin's up on Skylerton Cliff. What's he doing up there? He tried to climb up and pull a surprise attack on the Blue Army. He got halfway up and slipped. Wait a minute. Don't tell me. I can't stand it. No, he's all right, but he twisted his leg or something. He's stuck on a ledge up there. Well, what are you going to do? I'm going to climb up to the ledge of the rope, but I'll need some help. Somebody's got to climb up with me. Now, who's it going to be? Who's it going to be, Herbie? Well, here we go again! Sure. Smitty. Watch it, Smitty. We made it. Martin, are you all right? Sure. I'm fine. Come on. I'll get you back to camp. You just about saved my life, mister. Forget it. We're in the Army, aren't we? Anyway, I didn't want to see you miss that date with Judy. Well, maybe we ought to keep it together, huh? Thanks. Come on. Let's go. No, no, no, no. Look out below. Look. Listen, you dope. How do you expect to get down without the rope? Look, boys. Here's Randy Parker. Hello. Come on. I'll buy you soda. Soda? Nothing. I'll buy you a man's drink. A double molten. I thought you guys were broke. Broke? Hey, does this look like we're broke? Look at all that dough. Oh, where'd you get it? Well, we just about busted the Blue Army at 10 to 1. Hey, Randy, when are you getting out of the Army? Oh, I thought it changed my mind about that. I'll get out when my time's up. That's the stuff. Hello, Randy. Oh, hello, Judy. I've been hearing things about you from Bob. May I have this dance, soldier? May you have this what are we waiting for? Come on. Very nice guy, that Randy. Yeah, you know, that's really something overcoming the handicap of being a millionaire. Gee, Smitty, I wish I was handicapped like that. What? Say, did I clean out the Blue Army? Look at the dough I have, fellas. Hey, that's not bad, Sarge. Go on, Herbie. Show them what we won. Yeah. Hey, Sarge, look what we won. Well, let's see, Herbie, tell me. Did you ever shoot dice? Dice? Yeah, dice. But you know, it's a little game. No kidding. Yeah, would you like to step outside with me for a minute? Thank you, Sarge. I would be very happy to accept your most cordial invitation. Herbie, how can you do it? Our stars will return for their curtain call. Do you remember the game that you used to play when you were little to tease somebody? You held something behind your back, a piece of candy or something like that, and then you said, which hand will you have? Well, not so long ago, there were hundreds of women who might have asked you much more seriously, which hand will you have? And then shown you two very different-looking hands, one smooth and white and lovely, the other rough, red and harsh. Those women were making the famous luxe test of dishwashing soaps. The test that proved no woman need have red, rough, dishpan hands. Here's how the test was made. Each woman went to a famous laboratory, and for 20 minutes, three times a day, put one hand in a dishpan full of luxe suds, the other in suds from one or five other well-known dishwashing soaps. The conditions were similar to home dishwashing. After weeks of this, the luxe hands were still soft, smooth and lovely, but the other hands looked red, rough and chapped. You see, there's a great difference between new quick luxe flakes and many ordinary soaps. Luxe contains no harmful alkali, nothing to dry or irritate or coarsen the skin. Why not change to new quick luxe for your dishes tomorrow? It's inexpensive because that generous big box does dishes for many, many meals. Jot it down on your shopping list tomorrow. Luxe for dishes. New quick luxe comes in the same familiar package. Costs you no more. Now, here's Mr. DeMille with our stars. Cabernet, penchant, privates Abbott and Costello. Step forward for a curtain call. Gentlemen, you gave a distinguished performance. Distinguish? No, wait, no, no, no, no. Abbott, what kind of talk is that? No, no, no, wait a minute. Is that French or something? No, no, no, no, no. Mr. DeMille means you were great. You were terrific, colossal, stupendous. Only fair, huh? I, no. Oh, no, Lou. Though, tonight you take your place in the Luxe Radio Theatre. Besides such artists as Irene Dunn, William Powell, Myrna Loy, Ronald Coleman and Hedy Lamar. I take my place beside them. That's what he said. Right next to Ronald Coleman. You can be next to Ronald Coleman. I want to be next to Hedy Lamar. Lamar! All right, all right, all right. Lou, Lou, please. Remember, you must be dignified now that you're a great actor. I beg your pardon. I am sorry. Get the talk on me. You should be sorry. I'm a bad boy. I'll never win the Academy Award. Of course not. I'm answering for you, Abbott. Of course not. The Academy Award. The Academy Award usually goes to a great dramatic performance, Lou. You're a buffoon. Now, listen here, kid. No more cracks like that. Now, here, now, wait a minute. Oh, Mr. DeMille, I don't go to that kind of stuff. Now, wait a minute. I may be a little chubby, but I'm no buffalo. I mean... What do you mean? But the kid made a remark. You're telling me I'm a buffalo. No way. He did nothing of the kind. He said a buffoon. He means you're funny. Comical. I'm afraid he's impossible. I wash my hands with him. I knew he'd get lux in here somewhere. You win, Lou. By the way, what are you fellas doing next Monday night? Not a thing, Mr. DeMille. But don't you think it's a little too soon to... Now, wait a minute. We have a fine play schedule for next week. It's Blood and Sand. One of the screen's great love stories. You remember the 20th Century Fox picture with Tyrone Power and all the exciting scenes he played in the arena after he became the greatest bullfighter in Spain? You're sure you fellas aren't busy? No, but what I want to know is which one of us plays the part of the bullfighter? Now, wait a minute. You thought I wanted you to act next week? No, gentlemen. I was just going to urge you not to miss the play because our stars will be Tyrone Power and Annabella. No. But Mr. DeMille, if anything should happen to Tyrone Power, you know where to reach me, don't you, brother? Oh, brother. Good night, folks. You tell Tyrone Power you're available. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Tyrone Power and Annabella in Blood and Sand. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen, have you heard about Gracie Allen's new radio program? Well, then listen to this open letter from Gracie herself. Dear everybody, George and I just love open letters. They're so nice and airy. We love all kinds of open things, like the big open spaces all over the West, especially Paul Whiteman's West, the West he wears when he conducts the orchestra on a new show. Besides Paul, we've got Bill Goodwin, Senior Lee, and Jimmy Cash. So open up your loudspeaker, won't you, and let us in with our new show, signed Gracie. Yes, be sure to listen to the new program starring George Burns and Gracie Allen tomorrow night, Tuesday. See your newspaper for time and station. And Lou Costello appeared tonight through the courtesy of Chasen Sandburn. They will soon be seen in the new Universal Picture. Keep them flying. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers, and your announcer has been Mel Bill Roy. It's the Columbia Broadcasting System.