 How are you brother? Yes, yes, I'm I'm wonderful mate. It's so great to have you on the show Got to be on I'm laughing because Steve and I have a technical difficulties. So I'm not even going to talk about that Steve I first got to hear review. It was actually through Jameson's travels. Oh, yeah, the American Marine Yeah, friend of mine or at least a virtual friend and obviously brother to both of us and I saw him passing comment on the incredible interview you did with an elderly veteran in which you were discussing PTSD and I know from from our chat that you were royal green jackets Who amalgamated with the rifles? Yeah What's it like when a when a historic regiment with a with a proud Fighting history have to merge with with with with with another and I was a green jacket for about three years and before the augmentation and we Did the very last green jacket patrol on telecom 9 in Iraq in 2006 was the 31st of January And did the last patrol and obviously after we had a few photos and stuff when we got back into the We were in the P. Jock just by the OSB and obviously The took photos and stuff then when we got back to a bazaar palace We had to change cap badge So we kept that old cap badges give us a new cap badge Which is the bugle with the crown on it I am we put them on the stale stale belt changed the rank slides changed and felt a bit empty to be to be honest because you know when you join your regiments when you join and your family You all share that same history The the rich history of your forefathers that created that history It felt like it was all taken away and the way they did it. They said oh, it's not it's not changed It's just all joined up with everyone else's all your battle honors have joined with everyone else's But some to me to a lot of us it wasn't like that. You know me So we did lose a massive chunk of that the battalion and imagine the regiments It's strange times, but the rifles then become one of the Four faces if that makes sense of the British Army and the poster boys If you like and we went on to do some big tours we went and did headache ten after that. We did Kosovo and Continue to do tours today. It's was very very active regiments alongside the palace and I'll see with the Marines as well so It was it was good and bad to me because at the time I was a career soldier. I wanted to stay in don't want to go anywhere So I took the rough the smooth you mean but you could see that you can see that the battalion changing right before our eyes You know me and the way it was being Managed and mentality of the blokes coming in. It was a very different especially with a The train establishes establishments as well with my cat trick and places like that. I think the train changed rapidly Yes, put up your Your crest is it with the with the laurel leaves around it? yes, the voltage cross the voltage crossed and it's got the refound it from the actual Role Marines cabbage one battle on it that week we did Is that true? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's it's from the snade belt as well We have a snade belt for our number twos and what happened was and obviously a long time ago when obviously the Role Marines run ships and Real green jackets go back then who will see a different under a different name We used to route ourselves to the side of the ships and protect the ships and support in support of yourselves and in return Yeah, you give us that question Wow I'll say is that true people are probably wondering what I'm on about Steve What I mean is I didn't know if you you were getting me on a bite So friends I'm I've just said I'm just I was trying to be a bit clever with the technology But so we could look at some of the stuff that Steve's done or some of the stuff We're talking about but if it's gonna give us tech problems. I'll just um, I'll just stick stick with a basic and Can we talk about your your? Combat experience because it sounds like you got quite a lot. Can you tell us what tools you did? You you say yeah of the villain around Yeah, I did. Well, I got when I got first join got to battalion and within a matter of months. I was straight out to Belize and Doing jungle training and come back and that was pretty deployment training for Iraq So jungle training ready for Iraq, but but there's like but then we straight out to Iraq and tell it nine That was a winter tour and then we am I Come back and at the cost of oh and then after cost row we ended Afghan. I was headache 10. I was in shangin So you couldn't really have got more experience of being in theater At that moment in time, could you use you've done the sort of the the what do you call it that were the trio? Yeah, it was very fast pace. It was a from getting to battalion straight into pre-deployment training to being deployed operations straight back a bit of downtime and it was straight back into training and exercises and they were doing like three four exercises a year Alongside obviously pre-deployment training and operations. So we were very very active. I mean So before we talk about so can we talk about your your your young years? How was that? What prompted you to join up? It's a there's a number of things and when I do like a podcast I always Give up different answers. They're all the same. They're all all true but there's more there's a multiple reasons to like obviously with family life and stuff like that with The way so now it was like as a young lads. I did engineering and I left school and stuff like that And there's wasn't much work out there. I mean and as a kid My mom died got divorced very young. I mean and there's there's a lot of a lot of not Not problems as such but in my head. It was I was a case of a Bitting in if that's the right words, you mean it was like and then when my brother come along it was always like You know, I always felt a bit pushed out. That's that's just a natural thing for a young lad in a family like that. You know, I mean, yeah But I think it had some sort of reaction some sort of effect on me because I always wanted to impress People that make sense to you not as an attention seeking way But I always wanted to show my family that I had Potential to do great things. You know, I mean, I knew that there was always something in me that had to be released And I had some sort of not gift, but I always knew that I had a strong a strong Strong ethics and stuff like that. So the military was a natural thing for me. I always wanted to do it So when I did join and I got to Depounds on the training I fells right at home. You know, I mean it was that what that was my calling Childhood growing up In the house cause and have it getting amongst it, you know, I mean Mum and dad, mum and dad out late at night looking for me usual stuff, you know, I mean But yeah, Michael my calling was the military Yeah, I Asked you about it because I know you talk a lot about trauma We talk and and for friends at home Steve's got his own podcast Which we will we'll put put links to Steve underneath Underneath this one obviously, but you talk a lot about trauma it comes up a lot on this on my podcast and it's something I've got experience of and I Think it's only us guys Sort of boots on the ground so to speak that that that are making links between Childhood trauma and upheaval and the character the sort of character not not always but a typical sort of character That will join the minute military. Yeah, but maybe will feel a bit a bit different a bit sort of misplaced in society I Was extra about you know if The ball went up the tree It'll be Chris for all that went and got it, you know Yeah, if there's a third floor window with a drain pipe, it's Chris for all that's gonna climb down Yeah, and and You know you are I was different Whereas a lot of kids would just oh, what's he doing now? Yeah, still I'll meet my my friends from school They'll remind me of all these things I used to do. It's still impression is you know, yeah But of course not not taking anything away from the horrors of Combat or Should we say the horrors that some people experience in combat because some people are behind, you know in The rear with a gear aren't they? Yeah, so some people go in can go into a combat role and Never get into a firefight or a serious firefight, you know, it's a it's I Was like when I when I spoke to like previous guests on my show on my podcast and stuff like that I spoke to like John Smith He's use a extreme jacket went on to become CP for Don't know how many years and he always says when people talks about him about Iraq For example, he always says when we are there What time of the year were you there up at that because you can go to a rack at a certain time and be a certain And a certain tall and it'd be dead There'll be like one One little snap one little shoes and some of that and that's it Whereas like you can go when I was there and some reason in the summer these seem to be on heat I mean the fight is a lot more heavier We were getting contacts every week. I mean with afghan we're in contacts and you know They're like bass and tunes every day So it's a pet it's a it's always down to when you were there and what you're doing I mean that goes down to all tours. I believe Yeah, so again for a friend friends at home. This isn't like a you know big dick competition. It's just You had guys in the Falklands for example, they said it's just like being on exercise You know didn't didn't see a shot fire in anger so to speak I Get People messaged me. So Chris. I was only in Northern Ireland, right? pretty tame tour Well, that's one. Yeah, exactly our tour What were we there 80? 89 or to commando We had a hundred and seventy one Serious instance in one day, right? that shootings bombings mortars riots kidnappings kneecappings Yeah hijackings Buses public transport being set on fire, right? And So I'm not I don't even know I'm getting to a point I think we've kind of made the point. I mean, I've said this several times on purpose a guy behind me job shot three times and This not that the I shouldn't say sniper because it was an AK-47 but the gunman fired eight to ten rounds three hit jock and I was next to jock. So what who were the other rounds fired at right? Yeah, that's that's as close in your life As you want to get to that shit, right? Yeah, you know it and I'm fortunate I think I still got mine and we were we was let's just call it sniped up Twice over there we had guys blown up all this sort of stuff. So Yeah, I was just making a point really that that that everyone's experience of being in the military is quite unique and not one experiences of You know better or worse, and I guess it depends what you what you join for yeah Well, you know the blokes blokes will always have a person contest There's usually all my toes worse than yours and my my career was harder than yours. It's that's just the blokes mentality I mean, so there is always there is always that No big day competition there like but that's just that's just the fantasy side of it I mean, maybe that's watching this now going well mine was tough than yours You know, I mean, it's just like that's just the way it is. That's just that's never gonna change so What what we'll come back to is this is this link between childhood trauma Which is I think we discussed this before the podcasty you don't Volunteer for childhood trauma. No, you know if you've got a an abusive parent or parents You'll be neglected physically mentally You might be being abused sexually or being battered. What all right? You're a toddler you can't make sense of that you've got no one to go You know this happened to me today Can I talk it through with you and yeah, and you're too your infant mind all it sees is terror and confusion and and it Internalizes it Yeah, because it's internalized at such a young age you then carry it with you for life It you it's in there, right? Yeah, I'm not not saying again friends I'm not saying there's aren't techniques you learn to manage and cope with it This scenario of a soldier going into combat is very different. You might see horrendous atrocities and I'm Pretty sure you that you've done Steve, right? But of course we volunteered for that, you know, we we chose Yeah, and in addition we're adults so we can quickly make sense of it and and compartmentalize it Some people can't we were losing a lot of brothers and sisters and this is this is tragic But if you take Mark Ormrod for example the Royal Marine that lost three limbs and Then went on to say, do you know what my life's actually better asked after leap losing three limbs than it was before Yeah, it can just show you how the adult mind has the power You know for my lads Craig would He was a triple amputee Anatole and Herak 10 and pressure is a pressure pad And he's gone now to say them around the world He lives on a boat and he's He's loving his life. He absolutely loves his life and he's he's sailing right around the world He's been to hundreds of different countries those are memories. We didn't speak for a long time because I felt a bit bad I know it's like He was like under my command if you like But we're not speaking he's like he's made to use my life The best ever been best it could be I mean, so it's it's it's down to Obviously that'll mind stronger, but it's down to the the person to adapt and overcome if you like Steve the reason I mentioned this kind of scenario is We live in a very skewed society, right? Yeah, I know I know you know that So what what are the? Ramifications or the end result of early child early onset childhood trauma. Well addiction is a massive one, right? Yeah, and yet addiction. It's a learned psychological condition It's a mental health that if you want to call it an illness, whatever, right? It's I it's not something that you choose to have in your life Yeah Substances cannot cause addiction. That's just a lie that the Ruling elite put out just to further fragment society Physically impossible for a weed that grows in the dirt or a chemical in it to cause addiction, right? Yeah, the driver of addiction is is for the most part Early on sector trauma, right? Yeah, so We've got this perverse society perverse situation in the UK Where If you get injured in combat combat you you volunteered for as an adult and and you got paid well for it And I'm not I'm not saying it's you know, people should get her of course I'm not that would be idiotic, but you chose that right and These individuals get lauded with hero status Whereas that abused child That then ends up, you know doing this too much or doing this too much Then becomes a pariah in it. You know people just don't understand and yeah, and um so You know next time friends at home next time you see that person homeless in the street with a bottleneck And just just just think back to that that child that was getting battered or section, you know or rate Didn't that individual didn't choose that, you know, he he didn't choose that us we're all men we're all adults Okay, we were teenagers most of us when we joined but but we chose that we wanted that life We volunteered to go into combat. We actually I wanted to you know, I wanted to go straight into Into a theater Because I didn't want to spend my time in the Marines and get to the end of it go. I didn't go to war Right. Um, silly silly, but when you're young you operate out your ego steve, right? Yeah, you can When I when I when I joined I was told that we were going to be Deployed a lot. I mean, I was told that we were going straight to Afghanistan for our first tour. So that's one of the main main reasons why I joined Um, like you say, you don't want to get into your career and not achieved that, you know, I mean So it is uh It was something that I was trying for but then the the first tour got changed to a rack And then it just escalated from there. So after so after so, you know, I mean it was non-stop Um, I got out and literally the next year they would say back to afghan again. I mean um I I'm happy that I did those tours because I can say that at my time in the military I achieved what I wanted to achieve I wanted to I wanted to stay and I wanted to go to sf basically. I wanted to go all the way with it Um, but I completed the tours that I set out to do, you know, I mean at the same time It's a double-edged sword because doing those tours had that huge impact on me Um, and it wasn't till later on that it actually kicked in. I mean That uh, the actual trauma could become More apparent that makes sense so um It was always one name that kicked that always stays in my mind. Like I've lost a lot of Friends a lot of brothers, you know, I mean but main one was with the very first one Which was dangle coffee and we were in depot together training together. So when he got king That was the harsh reality And the very very quick Um moment where I had to grow up very fast. You know what I mean because I realized What I was doing where I was And it was my decision and this is the career that I chose And I started in my head at the time. I was like, oh, what am I doing here? Why am I doing this at the same time? I was like, well I've come here because it is the career that I want to do And now we need to prevent more of this from happening Let's go out on the on the front foot and go in order. I mean Yes, mate, I do um When we lost We had we had one of our oppo shot dead very early on in our tour of belfast and um The marine who was a Was a senior corpus. He'd been in the falklands conflict actually got shot in the falklands conflict um He was obviously trying to resuscitate this guy and he and he'd been shot through the Shot through the head. So it wasn't very pleasant And then he just stood out and went Like that and I remember Thinking and I wasn't on the on the ground. I was the guy that had opened the I was Manning the the main gate at the time. So I was the guy that had opened the gate to let this patrol out. Yeah within Five or six minutes of them going out the gate. You suddenly had all these rounds going down. It was 18 rounds Going down so we were just on the radio then waiting to see what what you know What the hell's this? I mean it sounds like a full-on firefight, right? and When I heard this You know how professionally this corporal had done with it. It was just like that We had a you know When when everyone regrouped in the barracks the co came out or the oc rather and he just said right fellas Unfortunate instant Put it be honest this crack on we got a job to do and everybody did right. It was that simple I was so proud steve to be in that mindset Yeah, no that millage that that well, I'm going to say rule rule marines mindset of just this is it fellas and Subsequently Yeah, I I don't know I I I just carried that on yeah You know like when my mug my mother died My mum died in my arms my stepdad died in my arms and My best mate drowned on on holiday And even with him lying at my feet dead. I'm just like Move on right and that that's just been I'm not I'm not fucking heartless or anything mate. I just I I I won't do depression. You know, I've done that before Yeah, never do it never doing that again. No I'm like that now. I'm like that everything I've been through now. I'm like well I've been there and it didn't get me anywhere. It didn't get it didn't get me In a better place it made things 10 times worse. So I'm I'm one of them I was like all the bad things that have happened in the past year Within the family and stuff like that. Like yeah, it's upsetting but It's like move forward. It's got to keep going forward. You mean it's like Keep the positivity going keep everyone else going. You mean and um It's pay it's pays off. It really does positively positive to be positivity. You mean if I sit there and go into my dark place and Lock yourself away and hit the bottle and do this and do that It's not going to get me anywhere. It's not going to get me family anywhere. You mean so Yeah, you've got to learn a few mistakes basically move forward Yeah, and the reason I'm Friends at home the reason I'm mentioning my my story and apologize. I'm talking a little bit over you Steve But I did want to come to say did I did want a conversation with you, you know, not not we don't do interviews on this show but the reason I mention it is I'd By the time people started dying in my adult life left right in Chelsea It this was after Like all my massive drug Like the biggest part of my drug problems, right when I completely lost my mental health And I did spend I did spend months Traumatizing of two 80 months of chronic depression just couldn't couldn't get up like you couldn't get up, right? and What am I saying? If I had to explain why that was That was a manifestation Of the first time in my life. I'm having to deal with this childhood shit, right? Yeah, nothing to do with being in the in the military for me and the reason I'm saying this is just to try to Start getting a conversation going about how much of of Of this veterans mental health crisis Is to do with childhood trauma which is then kind of Kicked off for one of the word by our experiences in the military perhaps um Or Do you get I don't know if I'm making sense right? I'm yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. Um, it's When I got back from Iraq from tag nine Um, I went I come back home and I went off the rails Bad way and I wasn't sure why it was happening. I just Me anger went but that's that's why my fuse fell off basically So I'd go from 0 to 60 in the million miles. No, maybe it's just The aggression was like uncontrollable I was emotional. I was highly strong. I was like getting upset over minor things. I think every molehill was The three peaks. You know what I mean? It was it was crippling and I had um, I had a When I come home, I went to my mother's house and we had a scenario where My fuse went and I went up to the zerk outside and I caused a lot of damage um Mentally and physically and within the family. Um, I was taken away in an ambulance. Um, lost a lot of blood from skull from ahead put my head through a window and um From there that destroyed the relationship with my family. Um, I was then Take I was I then flown back to northern island the ballet camera where I was based at that time and I was then put into uh I had a Strinkum else for six sessions um, and then After assessments and the assessments with me they turned around and said the problem With you isn't with war. It's with your childhood Which soon as she said it Um, because what these to do was it was a it was a lady that was uh, Help me with it all she turned around. She goes when I say certain words I want if it makes you angry. I will leave the room And you get you know, what have you got to do you mean because at the time no one can come near me I had to guard guard room outside Keep trying to keep me controlled there was like eight blokes out there and they couldn't because The adrenaline and the anger took over you know me And I was a young lad. I was just back from Iraq I've been on top cover. I've been kicking doors down. We're doing a bit. So, um, we're doing house clearances and compound clearances with SF So it was constant aggression every single day. So when I come back home That's all I knew It was drilled. It was conditioned. That's all I knew. So every time I walked up to the front door I was checking around the frame. I was checking around it. I was checking I would make number five and 20s and stuff like that So I was in that fight mode constantly. That's only till recently that I've started to drop out of it you know me and um Yeah, so she would say a few words and she said the problem lies with your childhood It's pre-military So she very quickly left the room and I put a filing cabinet through the window and I just I blacked out and I used to have blackouts where the aggression would take over and I could have no control of it I'd come back around and it was just be I'd normally be be worse off than the room or what's around me I mean with injuries self harm and stuff like that because The anger I couldn't get it out quick enough. I couldn't release that file quick enough for me and that was something That stuck with me and after that the the support stopped um For whatever reason and that was it then we got ready for pre-deployment for cost of them um But that's how he stuck with me because I've never understood Why it triggered me. You know, I mean that that was she said that I'm not triggering me. I don't know why Whether it's an underlying issue or whether it's something else. I don't know and then Well, we're trying to get to the bottom of it now get going for the support now like you know Yes I think the thing that you know was sort of Catalyst for me is when I left the military I felt less equipped for life than before I joined I didn't feel particularly well equipped for life then I had no I think I had two O levels from school Yeah, which for young people. That's what you call GCSEs now or or bit bit simmer Did freo levels in the or three gscs in the marines? Finally, you know when I left I I didn't feel like I could write a cv. I what what what do I put on it? I can face paint my face brown and shoot a rifle who that that's just Nobody wants those skills in civvy street People say oh, yeah, you've been a raw marine that that's kudos that will no most people don't even know what the Who the raw marines are they're like is that that like navy is it is that what? You ain't what you in the army. We're right. It doesn't it really it might count for some people I might you know might put you a bit sort of higher up the list for a security guard or something But I didn't even feel I could do that and yeah Um, there I was stuck in if I say stark. I mean I went to Hong Kong Went there to run and what was a really successful business that I'd started while I was in the marines By the time I got there it had all crashed um and then when you start trying to Doctor your emotions with drugs or alcohol and and You haven't had the life experience to know the consequences of these actions Yeah, like everyone, you know, a lot of people like a drink a lot of people like a spliff or some party drugs or whatever it might be That's all well and good, but when you start relying on it as a crutch Yeah, your life is just on that. You're just you know, you're gonna crash and burn I'm not saying If you make it through and sadly some people don't I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing. I wouldn't change my experiences for No for anything. I'm right. I look back and go. Oh what have I done here? What I want to know volatile Life and stuff like that, but then I think to be self well where am I now? Who have I got now? I've got my family. I've got my kids stuff like that. So now it's like Yeah, I'll do it again to get where I am now Some people have the greatest lives ever and don't find their Their happiness at the end of the end of the tunnel You know what I mean? I have so which You've got to do what you got to do and you Everyone's experience in life's difference. You've just got to take the rough the smooth and It's how you adapt and overcome That's that's that's what makes it. Do you think part of the problem with this? Not I say veterans mental health and suicide crisis, but of course We're probably seeing one across the board. So, you know, sorry say civilians are just for one of Everybody, right? Yeah um particularly and let Steve I don't say any the um With respect to what's been going on this last year and a half or is it even two years now? I've lost track. Let's not mention any of those those words. It just it just gets us in trouble on the platforms, but um With respect to it though, my god if people can't see we're heading for a massive mental health crisis with a with a health service that is just Underfunded and ill-equipped to deal with it Then uh, i'm i'm i'm i'm i'll beg to differ, right? It's not good, right? um the thing is if if if the government if you like if you want to call it that um Admitted to a mental health problem within the veteran community and within soldiers It's going to cost a lot of cost them a lot of money It's going to cost them a lot of money to put the funding in place and get the the right things in place And it's just something that they just don't want to admit. Yeah, that's that that's that's my opinion Yeah, and there's i'm guessing there's other factors steve like all the these um Corporations that make billions off wall. Yeah, they they need they need Can we say naive youngsters to keep fueling the military industrial complex and and um, I think already starting to see a hit Uh a kind of a A bit of a hit there. They've had to extend rural marines commando training by a month really um Yeah, well Not just that there's always been I mean for the Ever since I can remember there's they've had problems with recruiting hence all these glossy Adverts that you see on italian stuff, right? Now the additional problem is people are rocking up to limestone And they don't know what's hit them Yeah, I it's like it you know being a commando. It's a tough training and and and you know Joining the army there's certain things you you know, you you you there's a certain mental resilience that you you're required to get through it and In this kind of fractured fragmented dumbed down um softened society that we that we're seeing People just don't have those skills anymore So they're getting to limestone and they don't know what's hit them and and so they're having to have an extra month to prepare them Just to begin begin training, right? In and this is not people listening. We are not slagging off young people as a youth worker that's that's Obviously not not not my forte. Just saying it how how it is um But I get I mean I get I've had two messages this last couple of weeks saying chris, um I'm joining the Marines in so-and-so Can you give me some advice because I've got to move to the other end of the country and You know, I'm a bit scared and Yeah, we took about not I mentioned the word naivety or That's if you knew the job you that steves had to do in combat You'd know that moving to the other end because that's that's the least of your problem son. That's the enjoy that's the enjoyable bit, right? I remember when I first got the strain and I first went and um I was a bit nervous because I was like leaving home and doing this and doing that but um Next thing you're not you're on a flight to iraq you know me and then before you know what you're going back and you're like You go the opposite way then you're getting nervous to go home because you've been away for so long and you get home and you get You know, you're off the front door and you go and you sit down and within two or three days my feet are itchy I've got to go again You know me and it's something so long to settle After that because you're getting the routine of You go away for so many months you come home for a few weeks going for And you come home for like two or three days and you call back out again And it's like you're never home. So when you finally do get out get home like I need to go again. You got that urge to go somewhere, but there's no where to go, you know, I mean But uh, but yeah, that is the least of the worries is Moving to the end of the country. I get that as well. I got a lot of uh emails a lot of Messages and dms and stuff people going I've got any advice for joining the military any advice for during this or thank you Well, it's down to the experience down to the individual. You mean that everyone's gonna be different Um, I don't know who you are as a person I don't know what your traits are. I don't know how mentally strong you are I've seen some of the most that appear to be the most mentally strong physically strong alpha males Around fail week one day one, you know, I mean can't cope with and I've seen the smallest quietest lad excel and become The best in the business, you know, I mean It's all it's all down to The person and how they um adapt the situation. You know, I mean you have to be very very very flexible mentally and physically, I mean and It is it is a tough job where it'd be infantry or marines or whatever It is a very very tough job um But it goes right back to like mental health people turn on to me. So you've witnessed so much trauma You you you've been through so much. How are you coping? I was like, well, it's not about What I've been through it's about the person You could have like I say every time you could have 10 year old girl Who her dad's just left? And she's just under town and it's triggered her And she could have in the worst time of her life like his mind any worse than hers No, because it's what she's going through that time what she's feeling it's down to her perception on on her her life at the time so it doesn't matter who you are it's It is tough when people ask me stuff like that, but it's like You gotta say just get down there do your best and expect the worst, right? Going back to the mental health health um crisis I'm I I think part the problem is When you're in a military you join as a let what what's referred to as a left-brain person So you haven't developed the empathy The creativity your artistic self your love your compassion your humanity you're very much driven by this I'm gonna be a soldier. I'm gonna shoot guns I'll play I'll play the Xbox, you know this this and While you're in there you're obviously not You're you're on a journey massive journey of education and experience of which you you'll see you'll get from all around the world But you're not on one of enlightenment And so when you leave say maybe after 15 years And you're so many dumped in civvy street things aren't going right On top of that you got your childhood trauma is going to come back and haunt you that's good That's going to compound with what you've seen in action um and As you start to go like that and you you know you're drinking or whatever it might be And you look around and you see buddies that aren't experiencing what you're going through Although you don't you know, that's not something you think of but their careers are going like this and they've got the Mercedes in the driveway and the happy families and and because You're what I would say living in a matrix So you're controlled by all these bullshit constraints of what essentially are like Evil corporations and you're you play by their rules. You you're trying to get the goals of the Rolex and the this and the And so you just begin to see yourself as a failure and and and and again when you see what what do you do when you Your mental health suffering you try to doctor it by doing more of this so you go You know you go more this way and So my advice to any veteran that's where anyone that's suffering, but if we're talking about veterans is You've got to shake that fucking shit off and start living your own path, you know You you are a perfect being under the universe. We all are it's these sort, you know these what I call associate paths these elitist, you know bankers and corporate structures that Want you to play by their rules and while you play with them You can't be happy, you know, you can't the the Rolex the Mercedes the three You know, if you're not enlightened up here, none of that's ever gonna There will always be something and so For people that are struggling with your mental health if you're depressed if you if you're feeling bad Fuck off all that shit, you know Yeah Start waking up in the morning and realizing you're perfect as you are Your experiences you've gone through no matter how horrendous you'll get over them You'll fight you'll find ways to work it through We all yeah, we've all done Things we regret You know, we've all done Things that probably weren't looking back. We shouldn't have done whatever it may be. That's fine. That's where your forgiveness of self comes in, right? Yeah, ultimate forgiveness of self um I guess that's poking up yourself esteem steve, isn't it? You know, you know, you've got to have your good foundation So wake up in the morning Love yourself respect yourself Yeah, play by your rules If you can sit in the garden with a sun on your face, perfect That's all you need to achieve in life, right? If you've got a roof over your head. That's that's a bigger bonus You know, that's like I think home life is the biggest one for me Yeah, I'm like, if I've got Before I met my partner and we've had our baby and stuff like that my life was very Uprooted if you like there was no stable base But now I've got that home life and I've got that that concrete foundation And I can't wander off too far if that makes sense I've always got my base. I'm always grounded my roots in the ground All I can do now is grow you take a tree on the ground It's got no roots, but the roots on in the ground doesn't grow just before the bar And that's the way I see my life now home life has always been my savior Let's steve. Let's talk a little bit more positive and again friends at home. I apologize. It's a little We've had a serious conversation, but then You know people hanging themselves in their kids bedroom is that's fucking serious, you know It's awful and these things need to be discussed. It's only guys like us That are discussing these things The powers that be don't want this discussed They want to fuel their war machine, you know, they want their statistics of To look good on on on papers. So But but moving on from there. Let's let's put some light into this or some brevity into this conversation What what have you found has worked for you? and at what was there a particular moment where The light started to come back into your life again um my recovery really was very very cliche. It's very um It's I was going I was I was abusing steroids um It's something I did on my last last year of the army I was drinking heavily Um, I was violent. I was actually working security. I was actually working on the doors Um, but quite a lot quite a while and they got to the point where I was becoming that violent and that aggressive towards everyone that Brought a minor threat to the door or something to to our classroom to my team And where I was becoming tired I was I felt drained after every day every time I woke up. I was like, I'm still here not again I mean the suicide attempts didn't work. Um pressure was all time I wasn't Anxious like really anxious but I was very um alert hyper vigilance. I mean so It got to the point where I went The word I was very docile. I went very lethargic Um, I was strong. I was fast. I was well, I was pumped full of um Test of strewn But my mind was very slow. I was very late. Okay. I don't know if you mean and it wasn't until I met my partner She she walked in on my life and um That's what Made me think and gone to something else. I mean and she treated me like a human being. I wasn't treated like Oh, I wasn't oh, that was the first time I I believed that I wasn't a veteran. I wasn't an ex-soldier That's when I believed that I was a human You know me she made me feel like the way she spoke to me the way she come across and how She made me feel like There is someone I can speak to and that's when I started unloading very very quickly unloading my stories But unloading who I was and what I've been through onto her um And then Over time it started to get better, you know, I stopped taking uh straight away. So I stopped taking um I stopped taking painkillers. I started slow the drinking right down. I stopped for a long time Um, and then it's when we had our baby. That's when I just went that's it I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking. I've never taken anything. I I get anxious taking painkillers now, you know, I mean um and that's what's completely changed me because it's a very Um, there's a lot of responsibility and having kids as you know, and You have to put yourself you have to put yourself last, you know, I mean and it's that that scenario them To me back to my military days where it's like Your rifle and your lads are coming before you And then I felt at home again You know me and then we obviously got our house together and we moved in and we all We're a happy family. That's where my feet got grounded and Obviously dark days are still there. You're always gonna have to your dark days when you've been through trauma You're gonna have Your negative parts you're always gonna go can't do that you're just gonna feel a bit A bit down or you're gonna have anxiety and but as long as you've got your ways of getting through those things over time the past decade I've learned to be this person So when I'm like people turn out to go if you could take a pill and it would wipe it all out You go back to being state before the military Would you be happy to go now? I need To have my panic attacks I need to have that darkness creep around behind me because it gives me the strength To beat it to be a better person for my daughter. You know what I mean? So I have to lie there in bed in the morning and go What's going on today all this and I go no, I can't do it. I look at the family No, I can't do it. I will do it. I've got to beat it. I've got to be better and More so now when I started the podcast and started to the channel and So doing stuff like that I'm getting a lot of messages saying oh what you're saying. I'm going through that and I feel better for it Thank you for that and that just it's sort of like It's a different form of injection. It's not a test start throwing ejection, but it's It's a self-worth injection I've got I've found my call and I've got my self-worth. I know myself Worth now. I'm like, okay. Every time someone says thank you or every time someone says I believe what you know what you're doing and what you're saying is helping me I go right again on the next one. What can I do now? Which can do more people, you know, me And I know now if I go back to the dark and I You know, I try and drive my car into a wall again or I start to oh dear again I'm not only just letting myself down on me family. I'm also letting The harm of God knows how many people that I've watched my story and Hang on to my words and stuff like that. Like it's just going to make them go Well, it didn't work for them. You should have been chatting shape for the past hour long I mean and I what's going to cause the The ripples turning to tidal waves. I mean, so it's that's my reason for staying here That's my reason for holding on to the light and keep pushing forward and And with that the better I become the better the people become and the better the people become The better I become and then the better it makes my daughter and my family because it's spreading positivity Well on the tangent then didn't I? Now mate what you just you just nailed it in what you just said Can I just add to it and and this is only my story but I want to Just put a little bit more light in there if I can Yeah, and that's I never have a bad day, Steve, you know um What I mean by that is Sorry, I'm trying to say this without sounding arrogant. It's a this is not about me This is about people out there that might be struggling that think I've got to do this for the rest of my have I got a back Now You know, I get people So you buck on the drugs I'm like Show me anywhere in in my three memoirs In my life where I've ever said I stopped You're making assumptions. You're making assumption that you look at me now You think I couldn't possibly be the happiest man in the world if I still You know did past behaviors and I've never said no to nothing nothing because there's only Experiences in life No such thing as a bad experience or a good one. There's only experience Once you learn for me once I learned to take that on board Yeah, and you stop beating yourself up about being human So if if tomorrow You know, whatever it might go and drink a bottle of whiskey or do this that and and the other i'm not not i'm not suggesting anybody does right My life is irrevocably I think that's the right word Irrevocably better When i'm just completely off Off that it just is i'm firing so much it actually frightens me. I think I might be a bit mental right, but If I decide to do whatever tomorrow and I know that's my prerogative, right? Yeah, you know what i'm still the happiest man in the world Even though it comes over you and the the anxiety comes up the regret the shame or um To me that's like a fog mate that i'm just stood behind and i'm still me right i'm just trying to Put some light in there to say that you can get yourself in at such a mentally secure position that whatever life throws at you at You're you you just become titanium right you just become Um titanium what I will say is i'm probably a bit further down the line than yourself steve You know i'm i've been doing i'm a i'm an old dog right Drank drank pretty much every day for 30 years and all the rest of it um That's that's a long time to kind of get things in order that the issue comes in Is where if you've got kids You can't afford to take 30 years Because every time you do that stuff It's effective. It's the knock on effect is them right? They're the one that are not getting the attention They're the one wondering why mommy or daddy are not You know while we're not getting the hugs and the kisses today, you know all this sort of stuff So what steve's saying is incredibly um You know Incredibly valuable um I just yeah Sorry i'm just was just trying to put some light at the end of the tunnel for people that are thinking Yeah, but I still I still have you know, I still relapse and I still fall down. It's like Fucking it's called experience. You learn by it and and I'm not failing. You're not failing. You're learning. I mean yeah what um What um strategies then Have worked for you anyone that's in any of my sort of life People on my patreon that join my my 10 quid a month live coaching I'll say the same thing to them as I do to my my facebook community Or when people approach me for for private coaching and that sort of stuff I I tell you maybe five maybe six things that the most that I do and that's all I do Yeah Anybody on this planet can start doing them tomorrow, right? Really simple. I did I mean Wake up Love yourself when you sit up in bed It's like you are a fucking legend remember that today. That's what you are going out that front door simple And that includes all your past forgiveness for stupid shit. You might don't But next thing smile at the sun. That's just saying thank you. You know us for giving me this life. I'm still here I'm still fighting a lot of my mates are dead They can't be smiling at this son and going out on their mountain bike or taking their kid down a park They can't be I'm here for them. I'm lucky Third thing take action For me a jog around the block get some air in your lungs get some stuff firing in your head Yeah, but it shows you that you have the ability to take charge of your day Fourth thing green smoothie round about midday I haven't had breakfast for years other than my uh Other than a cup of tea But that green alkalize your body if you're not alkaline you're gonna be it has an effect, you know You've got to be alkaline right not going to bang on about that sounds like a lecture Lay off the drugs and alcohol even one sip or half a glass of wine on a night Knocks you off your vibration. You you lose contact with a you know, you might kid yourself. Yeah, but I've earned it and it may Yeah, we get that I did it 30 I had that reasoning for 30 years But what I will say is if you can get off it my god you enter fucking parrot, you know You you you enter like a new found paradise Yeah And then there's few other things like I I refuse to have negatives. You know every negative turns to positive, you know um and Yeah, and that's it and then everything else follows like your relationships get better you put out a much more positive Sort of vibe for for stuff you you your productivity Which is really important when you do the sort of stuff. I do like the pot. It just goes Through the roof and you get more done in one day than previously you did in a month that it's just incredible So so these are the things that work for me Have you got anything to To add desti will do it does this ring bells to you as it is. Yeah. Yeah, definitely Um Yeah, morning is definitely the biggest impact for the start of the day and for me it's Looking at me family Because I I I'm up and I have the house so hard for every day. I mean so for me it's like Look at me family while they're still asleep. I go Yeah, let's go and do it. I mean it's it's give me a give always have that reason and I think the biggest things for me would be Routine is creating that routine and sticking to that routine If it's if it goes the left a little bit over to the right Just doesn't matter long as that routine is in place and be highly disciplined with it Be very disciplined of it. Like right. It's right down to like When my daughter was born it was like, okay. She has a bottle at this time. She was the better this time Keep doing that keep doing that and sometimes it was tiring Sometimes it's like oh it's the same thing all the time but then it Creates that routine for all the day and for all the life and then now she just goes the better time I mean, it's just a routine and we're all in that set thing and being disciplined with it. It's Reminding me of my military life of You have you have company detail. You have your jobs the next day. You have to prep your kit do this do that and That's what carries me through is being disciplined with it. So it's like, okay Don't drink at all in the week. I mean I have a little drink at the weekend But we'll plan that it won't be off the cuff. I mean we'll plan that I mean we'll buy X amounts of stuff And we'll do this the next day. We'll have activities for the sunday and we have our routine You mean and that's there's that routine that keeps me down gives me such me from floating off. You know, I mean um I like I say me being the age. I think at the age I am now Um With me family and stuff like that I'm in that routine now. I don't want to be out at night. I don't want to be leaving unless I go to work I mean, but I don't want to be out drinking and doing this and doing that. I want to be I want to be a good person. I want to be a good dad. I mean Um, I think that that takes over most is having a good cause having a reason having a reason to be here I just live off that I actually 25 passed four in the morning So five minutes before this guy Did I tell you I was a raw marine state? Let's tell you I was a green jacket Tell you I don't give a shit Oh, I do I do love to I love these podcasts Um Oh, I had a really good question. I was going to ask you that or something. I was going to pull it out. Um Oh, yeah, that's it Have you found You you have a very different attitude towards Uh relationships now I what what constitutes the friends that you want to have around you? Yeah, definitely. Um I've lost I've seen when you get up the military you lose contact and you use a lot of touch A lot of all mates and stuff like that But I find now that I keep my circle very very small I keep You know got me family and stuff like that Um, but I keep my my family better my my circle very small if I have Any inkling or anything about anyone that I don't like or The traits on where I where I But you don't sit well with myself my model compass Then I'll cut them off straight away and that's not being me being horrible or being rude or whatever Um or being ignorant or whatever that's just because I can't be asked for any negativity anymore. I'm at that point now where if you're bringing dramas to me though Then don't bother coming to me though. Just don't bother coming. I mean, I don't I'm not interested I've had so much negativity in my life. So many problems in my life that When I look back on it It's because I've fed off that negativity. I've allowed that negativity to come into my life and I've tried to deal with it whereas if it's not given any Anything to my family or it's not do any good to my family then Why am I why am I bothering with it? You know, I mean if it's to do with work or it's to do with Not family. Yeah, I'll give it if it's negative. I will give it a million percent to turn it into positive If I can't then we'll just we'll adapt and overcome but when it's something that's it's not important especially people and they The way they come across or that You know their mentality and got time for it Not got time for it. And that's why I have people on my podcast that have been through different traumas and different problems in their life because For one, it's a release for them To it's gonna help a lot of people out there that are going through similar things. It's not worse or not less and three it makes me realize that I'm not the only person that's been through trauma. I'm not the only person that's been through a hard time There's people out there that I've been through Like I I I said I I feel bad sometimes where I sit here and go I've been through this trauma through the military and then there's someone there that was abused as a child. It's like Like you saying about being an adult you can adapt and you can work it out in your head To an extent as a challenge. You can't be in my head. It's like I'm sat here moaning about my PTSD and a bit about my problems where it's Debring through that, right? It makes me realize I think it makes me a more rounded person as well You know what I mean? It makes me a lot more rounded and a lot more uh A bit more a lot bit more empathy towards um People as well. That makes sense Yes, it does massively and there's so many there's so many other implications in this modern day and age because um I mean there's two things that we have To navigate and there's one more thing than maybe others and that's that we're part of the veterans community Yeah, which I'll find that as a massively I'm just going to say a detrimental effect on people's mental health In fact It's very often the veterans on my podcast that are the most nervous That are the most like chris. Can I you know, they want the they'll want to call me up first They want to tell me every aspect element of their story, but so it's sometimes it's a I'm not exaggerating if I say three hour phone call and I'm like that Trying to like Not be in room, but I've got work to do. Yeah. I'm trying to type the keyboard with it yet. Yeah and What it comes down to is that we're indoctrinated at a young age to worry what the pack think So that we didn't let them down. So the truth and a lot of people can't ditch that um So that's one one element that I think doesn't do veterans Fathers it It it's strange Because I had three phone calls this week with veterans about work right stuff that that that they can possibly be helping me with Tell you what mate made me proud to be proud to be a raw marine two of the marines and it made me proud to be a veteran because It just all that it all came flooding back what Cracking guys you can meet in the military, you know and and girls obviously but these happen to be guys And um, how easy you know, there's no backs. It's right. I used to do this and it's like no, hello, mate How's it awesome? Right? I got the you you kind of know instantly right There's no drama. They're professionals So they're not they're not just sort of some keyboard warrior that spends their time Slagging people off on facebook or what what you know, whatever it might be So that's one thing that that is a factor as a as a as a as a veteran there is this Fucking what we just call it a head fuck thing go going on, right? Um, there's also a lot of positives and I hope I hope I've just given an example there Definitely The other thing of course is social social media Yeah, it It it amazes me that anyone has it that doesn't need it for their business I don't know why you'd voluntarily Want to be like that all day long? um The the the negativity it can bring into your life. Yeah In so many ways just the addiction that it's doing to your brain by these little impulses of of of um Adrenaline that it's or whatever the chemical might be serotonin or whatever that that looking at that screen I'm reading that message and seeing that like it There's that then there's the The kind of um keyboard warrior element that it just attracts Yeah, that is a real it's not representative You know, it's just not representative Of of what people have sort of really like um But I mean how many people must have seen something on social media and then gone and committed suicide Yeah Yeah Yeah, it it just this morning. I had a comment from another vetch and I'm like Fucking dude, don't worry about my life You know, yeah, don't worry about it. It doesn't it doesn't concern you but It would be so great if you could just step back and realize that That you're essentially attacking another veteran a traumatized veteran In it in a climate of suicide Let's just stop and fucking think about that and um Yeah Interesting life Yeah, there's there's I uh, um Yeah stuff it's all stuff. I'm sort of trying to tweak But some stuff you can't if you want if you want to have a successful podcast You kind of got to have social media, haven't you? Yeah Yeah, I've uh, I'm trying to come away from it quite a lot. I'm um I've taken it off my phone It gets too much. You mean That's a great idea I mean, I just I've put it all taken all the way and I just go on it Now and again Just uh It's too much. It really is too much. Yes that many people I'll I'll answer messages and stuff like that when I come to him, but It's constant Some people like when I upload pictures every single day, it's like I tried it. It's just why it's just too much I mean wait for me life But obviously there's more time with family yeah Yeah, I'm in discussions at the moment with a very very kind chat. Hello bob if you're watching um Just about taking over all my social media because it's not it's just not right, mate It's not right to even be on your phone for a second when you when your child's in the room Yeah, I'm guilty for that life. Well, we make we all are it's the nature of the evil that is social media. Yeah um I'm not saying that they're like there isn't Yeah, I'm not saying it might be a lifesaver for a lot of people. I know it is but isn't that a sad state of society where Yeah, I know people that must be approaching 80 years old And they they live on it all day long They must do because if you ever send them a message or a Or a post or something or a comment They're right back to you within 30 seconds and and um, I think we've all probably been been like that at times. So Um, what about the old fizz, mate? You you? Are you um getting out and jogging around a block or you or you? Yeah, well, I was watching the corner I was a I've always been big on me weights and powerlifting and stuff like that And took a step back for a while. Um, but we're doing a a walk at the moment So, uh, my friend Jimmy come to me about uh, new charity that we make sets up in Liverpool called the block Um, a little bit of a plug for him He's uh, so basically they've they've set up like a coffee hub. It's got a therapy therapists in there and all that Um, it's gonna be long soon. Well, basically they needed a bit of funds So mate Jimmy turned around and said, right, okay. Um, why don't we raise some money and do A big, um event a big walk on you. Okay. Watch your fancy So he says what what he's doing is he's gonna walk from living pool to snow down here and then to the summit So we want to do it in three days. It works out. I think it's 30 mile a day um, so I've been getting me old My old deshing carcass back out onto the back out on the fizz. So we've been Getting a few runs in getting the fizz in getting the miles in we did 34k the other week. Um Just You know beg you know get a bargain on instead of walking So yeah, we're doing that at the end of may beginning of june and raising as much money as we can for the block to get Doing its crisis team and stuff in there as well. So Um, yeah, so it's gonna be the first thing I've done since I've left the military, which is big Obviously not as big as yours. What you know what you're what you've done, but um, it's Doing for a number of things one To prove that my old my old asks and still do it my mind my mind sets there, but I've got a little nearly injuries that I tell me brain. My brain does listen because of my mindset um Raise some money for the block and show everyone that's watching What the mind Can still achieve I mean what what even though I've been through so much we still achieve greatness I mean and One of the main ones for me is to show Family daughter what I'm made of I mean So it's a minute I think you're showing them that already I haven't started yet So two things left I want to talk about steve if it's okay with you one is um this Incredible interview you did and let me get this right because I called it vice earlier on so probably would get um Get put up against the wall and shot in media terms for getting that wrong It was actually the lads bible wasn't it by all yeah You did an interview with them in which you discussed ptsd with a With an older veteran. Yeah um Can you tell us a bit about that and where why have I seen the trolls thing? Come in basically A lady that runs the legion in libra pool She was at one of the funerals for one of my mates since 2018 that we lost um To suicides and basically We got talk and they come up saying we need a young veteran to go on and do like a comparison on Bible The documentary called the gap So I was here. I was a bit woman on about it, but I thought with the chance to talk about ptsd and get it out there I went on Um, so it was me and john denitz mr. John denitz. Um, he's 97 98 now when we sat down we talked About our time in the military. He was a normandy bet And obviously I'm a obviously a rack and a gun bet and we did a bit of comparison. Um We just we talked about two and a half hours um Real time and we literally He talked about his time and so I thought his mental health and stuff like that and how he He was not shaming, but he couldn't really talk about it. I mean, um, and then basically it went viral 28 million views um at this point and then we did a second one, which was me um Reactive to trolls to their comments. So I think he did about 10 to 15 comments He brought us up on the screen and then I would read them and then I had to react to them um, and he gives some examples of what sort of things that These trolls would say or were saying Can't remember off the top. Yeah, but the basically rounds You know, you shouldn't be there or you're a murderer if you can't handle what was the the main one if you can't handle war Why did you go stuff? Yeah, so basically I I read the first comments and the blood started boiling, you know me I was like, right. I thought that's not going to get me anywhere. Me kicking off is they're just going to have to Beat most of it out because it's just going to be the language use you mean so I went in with like a sort of comical attitude and I sort of switched it around um It worked quite well to be honest, but I sort of switched it around and made them look like the idiots, you know, I mean um And it's just yeah, it's just stupid. It's just stupid things that kids say, you know mean or trolls say I walked away and there's a lot of people that were messaging saying that they were angry about it And the way that these people have been talking to me and about john and stuff like that, but I laughed it off. I felt a quite uh quite like like a bit of a victory was won because You know, I mean, I think getting out I think getting angry about it would have been the wrong way to approach it I'm just um for your information. I was just getting it up on screen Um, so we're looking at the gentleman that you were talking about. He's got a few gongs, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah We're actually uh Between will between us, but he's actually going on my podcast That's the lockdown f and we're gonna Have a good chat and get it's gonna be all raw footage. So it's gonna be effing We're gonna get out there that we didn't talk about in the bible It's all like a mini RV Sorry for our friends at home, then I think I just inadvertently cut my uh Cut my audio when I was saying so I was just uh, if I if you missed I was just saying to steve that I was getting his Interview up on the screen. I won't play you out any of it because we'll just get hit for copyright, but gosh Um, that's a lot of views, isn't it? That's a lot of views It is funny the old Not I almost say divisive comments because everyone has freedom of expression on the internet don't they and everyone sees things a different way that I think the issue is I think you should be allowed to say what you like just Just just be polite It seems that's a bit nice. Yeah, because when you when you just When you're scathing and and so angry and and that that just reflects on where where sort of where you are and Yeah, yeah, it does. Yeah immediately people You know If they don't block you then they just won't take you they're not going to take you seriously And there's no need for it. You put your be eloquent put your point across be polite. I don't expect people to believe in In in these these wars I mean, I think that's I think I said an admirable thing not Yeah, um But and also people kind of make assumptions don't they they think that my opinions like this this guy i'm attacking He thinks like this like dude. You don't know what I think Yeah, exactly. Um, unless I've specifically said something. It's like you don't really know what I think. Um I actually agree with you. It's just you're being so fucking rude with it that Yeah, you know, you're not you're just like I say, you know, I'm going to get taken seriously um Can we talk a bit about your experience of combat then? Um As much as you feel comfortable to it's just youngsters get a very rose-tinted view of what combat is and part of the reason is is that you know veterans don't talk about it And and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing steve, you know, I mean I think I said this the other day when someone writes me says chris i'm a You know Joining the marines next month more a bit scared of leaving home I'm tempted man. It's not as scary as shoving a fucking bay net through someone's face Did you get you know, I'm sorry to be so graphic folks, but this is essentially what we're talking about in war Hands on look at um Brian wood mc. He was on the podcast the other day. I mean that's literally what his boys had to That's what his boys have to do This is the this is the this is the reality. Um You know, I think people would be a lot less quick to support these conflicts If they had to go and do that it's like, yeah, okay There's a complete stranger over there who's never done anything to you in your life I want you to go and kill him Why because I told you to But no no bats go It's it's I'm being a bit flippant, but this is the the sort of You know this can this this I think is must be hard to deal with with for a lot of You know, yeah, it's weird different with me because um I don't know I never I never struggled with contact I never I never questioned it Especially with a rack one of the first contact me asked when obviously But your drills kicking straight away. You mean the one that we had one shoot one shot I come straight through between me and top cover the bottom top cover We just reacted straight away. We're on an lmg. We Suppressed the area um No, we reacted accordingly to me. It was just Obviously the adrenaline kicks in and all that but after that first one it's you don't I don't want to say the wrong thing about depending on people. I didn't care. You know me and I didn't I welcomed the firefighter. I welcomed the contacts It wasn't until I got to afghan where I realized that it was We'll say it was all bullshit. You know me and it's like We're literally being put in the middle of a fucking desert random IDs And you're asking us to be armed guard take ground Just for it to be taken back that night You know me and it's like this is bullshit. The only reason I bought so hard and so well and All the rest of it is because I had young lads there I had lads there that were now the old me. You know me and so I had to fight hard to get them home And that's all that matters and that's when they say bros and arms and that's it's very true I didn't care about the operation. I didn't get to do the operation and complete the best of my ability But it was dem lads that's the only reason I stayed on the reason I fought. You know me And why I fought so hard every contact that come in was treated as the first it was treated with pure aggression It was precise. It was done to the best of my ability. You know me and And every contact was always forgotten about as soon as I got back into the fob I mean as soon as I got back into fob Jackson or Worst and wherever I was I was very quick to Forget about it. Even if we had a bad a bad case or a bad scenario, whatever where we had an injury or we had a death um or multiple casualties um I was very quick to Scrap it on my brain on my head and move on to the next bit like you talked about with uh the call I was I'm very quick to go right okay because I had lads there that were looking at me all the time if I sat there and quit and bought a bottle and Leaned on it a little bit it it reflects You know me so it is a case of right get everyone in know unload weapons And straight away is go right straight to admin Yeah, let's get the kids squared away to get prep for the next next stop Let's get we had a river flowing through stank through fob Jackson's like down the river Bit of morale getting the river cool off cool off wash your kit or back up You know burst into flames and just chill ready for the next day group and I always kept That routine and that that go in your main so It's weird because I speak to a lot of mates and they all remember this firefight and I go And then people turn around and go remember when we we were in there We were in the art we're in uh bulldogs in Iraq and we did that big operation and we stormed in and we got hit by two snipers and the jay dam and I was like because The dark things and to me and this sounds quite bad, but those contacts and those firefights are irrelevant in my life now And what my brain's done what I believe my brain's done is it's wiped out the useless dark parts of my life and I'm trying to My basically my bookshelf is full of different stories like yourself We've got dark we've got horror we've got Dealers we've got this that the other and every one of them has got a negative story to it and what my brain is is struggled with to put it into just put it into some sort of way is that It can't get any more good that bookshelf until it's forgotten the darkness and the shit so over the time without me knowing about those firefights and those Those problems and that negativity is slowly starting to pull out from my memory and I've started to fill my bookshelf with happiness and positivity and good things and the future and The good things from the bar members and then I'm gonna laugh in the bulldog park and in the tank park and we're up in like We're wrestling asking around before a patrol and we're looking Just being lads, you know me, but I don't remember getting out on the ground and brassing up two compounds because When people turn on to you go. Oh, yeah, we did this that and I get a little image and go. Yeah, remember that. Yeah, I remember when Well, well our commander got his foot stuck on the door and we had to Use use his body to get the door open to take the room and stuff like that But most of the stuff It's it's irrelevant It really it's in my life now. It's irrelevant back then it was important because we On a debrief you look at then go walk you improve how you bet yourself progress as a soldier now It's like that's not helped me progress as a human so Well, a lot of stuff been blacked out Like even like with dates and stuff like your mate told about Kosovo and he says these names. I go. Oh, yeah I remember that now. Yeah, but like They're irrelevant really irrelevant, but as it goes down to the combat and to the fighting I felt Not at home But I felt it was right because I pull that down to conditioning in the army to the military you condition that much That when you do come to do in real time, it's still in your head. Just an exercise. It's still just Going through, you know me and Doesn't so much as normal But you can do that you get to go get up and go to work You come home You hit you do that for so many years when it comes to Monday You don't get up because you got a day after you feel weird in not going to work And it's exactly the same condition of the army you do it You do a section attack every single day for a year And then next minute you don't do you go They're weird here or where's my rifle and that's something you do when you get out of the military I was like that You're like quick blind shot panic. Oh, shit. Where is it? You're like It doesn't matter And that's it's down to the human brain and being conditioned and it's how you Uncondition that and it's not about forgetting it It's about replacing it with a new passion with a new focus And that's what a lot of lads girls when they get out Is they're not regimented and they haven't got a passion I mean, they're not they're not they're still trying to bleed green But at the same time they haven't got something to bleed over that makes sense So it's like rather than having a new passion a new goal a new business You're focused on the past Yeah Do you think that's a slight issue with these Veterans trauma groups Um I Let's just say, you know, I get added to them because people that's what I'm going to say a facebook group people will just naturally add you to it Right because it's support for veterans and do the I will say I don't really hang around there because I For start, you know, I My what I found is if you try to offer support It's not really wanted You know not not Um In addition, obviously my life's moved on. I'm I'm not I've got all my strategies in place. So I don't it's not like I need I got support. I got my mates, you know, and I like you said you you pick them carefully as you get older and you and you let a lot go um but I see a lot of people dining out on their ptsd Dining out. Maybe that's a bit rude or Maybe wearing it is a like their badge of honor or and Not really looking for ways to live People live off their I would just say they live off their condition They let their condition become them become their identity Rather than going right. Okay. I've got this this this finger going on. That's Adapting overcome and let's work through it and if you can't work through it, I'll jump over it You mean I want to get back to how I was. It's not like most people go Well, I've got ptsd now. That's who I am. That's just who I am and even when Like I say, it's called self conditioning in my head because You're self conditioning yourself to believe that you have got a problem and that problem Comes worse and worse and worse and then you google it and then you your mind naturally believes that you've got that problem Worse than it is and I get it can I squeeze? Obviously, I'm not saying Now that people got ptsd You know of making it worse. Well, there's certain individuals certain people that will Look into it too much and let that become them become them. You mean, yeah That's what you need to step away and that's where you need to find a new focus and new passion Because it will end It's interesting what you said about Afghanistan being horseshit because I mean I Probably a lot of people listen I'm too young to remember the precursor as to why we went into Afghanistan and a lot of us at the time went Well, actually not not at the time took me about four years to go But that ain't right That narrative ain't right, right? Two guests on my podcast who've both been on on the podcast separately I'm not going to give their names because I don't know How they both stand With respect to being recognized, but they hooked up recently and they Smuggled themselves into Afghanistan And they had to dress up with all the, you know All the local gear and this and the old beards and that sort of stuff and and they had a camera between them and The report that I got just yesterday was Like that country is in a mess Yeah, Taliban stronger than ever Right And I'm so sorry to veterans that are listening that fall or that lost brothers or sisters. They're Fucking awful, but some of us said this 21 year well You know 21 years ago now is whoa. Hang on Let's not invade You know lots of people said it and they were laughed at right Taliban stronger than ever country in absolute shambles and the heroin the poppy production Which was banned under Taliban are not commenting on Taliban folks, but I'm just saying it it was is now Like it's just huge, right? And the more astute amongst you will know who controls the drug trading on the planet and what why they do so Yeah, what a What a sad fucking legacy, eh? Yeah, for what, you know Anyway On a more positive note, mate. What other than your yonk or your run what what else does the future hold? Um, well, see you got me channel me podcast. Um, that's growing very young, but it's it's getting there Um, also me bright I've heard you've got an awesome guest coming up mate. I mean real handsome, dude Was he former Royal Marine? I heard something who Tony Tony is Yeah, definitely not Tony now Tony if you watch joking brother, what what a lovely man and what what you know, what what, uh What a mountain he's climbed, you know, yeah, that's it not, um That I've come here to have you on me. It's really calling me to have you on it's gonna be there You said let's set a date and let's get it going. Yes, definitely You can park your camper van outside mine I've got a steel one first Yeah, I can help you out as well Fun enough, yes, so can I Well, actually if it was a Ford Escort, I certainly could Um, Steve absolutely brilliant brother really proud to have you on the show Um Proud of what you've come through and a message that you're putting out And all the people that that you're helping We're gonna put all your all your links um Below the video where where people can find you And um, yeah, I look forward to Coming up north as they say and um Having our having our next chat. So thank you. I'll wait. I'll wait. Thank you very much You're welcome and to everybody at home Big love to your massive. Thanks if you could like and subscribe Um, my producer keeps asking me to mention that because it it's just not happening a lot of people Oh, Chris, I missed that podcast. It's yeah, you're not even subscribed to the channel. Oh, right And if you can click the notification bell Uh That would be great Uh anyone's struggling out there that's not smashing life, which you should be Get into my facebook group um It's called chris fraule community or one life smash it or something something a bit silly or Join us on patreon And for I think it's 899 or 999 a month you can join our live coaching group that we have monthly and Not gonna get this advice For 999 a month Anywhere else so yeah, I'll do my best to make it worth it and that's it Ciao ciao