 Hello, my beautiful internet friends. Welcome back. I posted this video on my other channel earlier today after debating about it for quite some time just because it's a lot more raw than I usually like to be, even though I don't generally censor myself on camera. It's been a rough week. Like, it's- I've not been in a good place, just being totally honest. And I've had a few moments where things got especially dark and especially scary. It's weird to talk about that when I can also have great moments, too. Depression is really confusing. It's something I've dealt with for years. It's a part of my life. I don't want it to be a part of my life forever, but right now it is, and this week it's hit really hard, and I was just gonna keep it posted over on my other channel because that deals directly with mental health. But the comments I received there, a lot of them were like, this is exactly where I am or this is what I feel like, and seeing this helped me feel less alone, and so I decided that I would bring it over to this channel, too, because there's a lot more of you guys here than there are over there, and my hope in posting this is that it helps someone, but before you watch it, I want to make really clear I am okay. Putting stuff like what you're about to see out on the internet sometimes concerns me that people will think that I'm like really not okay, and frankly I'm really not okay, but I also do know what I need to do to keep myself safe. I have good resources in place. I have an amazing husband who does a great job of taking care of me and listening to me when I need it. I have good friends who I can call when I need to call them who will pick up the phone, and I have a very good counselor who has seen me twice this week. It's the only week I've ever seen a counselor twice. It's a special week, so I just need you to know before you watch this that I'm okay, but that life has been dark lately, and as much as I can have good authentic moments of smiling and having like a good time, it all comes back to rushing back to darkness sometimes, and I know it'll pass. I know it'll get better, but right now I'm struggling. I might get tackled by a shepherd in a second. Guy to the camera. It's very doubtful about pressing film right now, but I always feel I need to justify why I'm filming when I'm a mess by saying, but like I started this channel to be honest about like mental health and life after trauma and all of that, and this week has been just a shit show if we're being totally honest when it comes to mental health. It's been a roller coaster too, because I've had like really good days. That's my counselor calling because I sent her a concerning text message. I'll be right back. What ironic timing. I think I was talking about how things are a roller coaster right now, but I've reached a level of not okay that I haven't been to in quite some time. Like the not okay that gets kind of scary sometimes, and how like how really like how the how the bad darkness manifests itself for me isn't that it's there all the time. When it's there all the time, I know how to deal with it. When I am like up and then down, I kind of get scared for myself, and that sounds like a weird thing to say in the video I'm putting on the internet. I'm okay. I'm reaching out to resources as you saw by the fact that my counselor was literally calling me and I'm about to meet with her in an hour earlier this week when things got really bad. I called a friend of mine. We talked for an hour and a half. Like I'm doing the things that I need to do to check in and to like stay mentally and physically safe, but I feel so paralyzed. There's so much that needs to get done. And by so much, I mean like the list of to-do isn't even that long. And I'm just gonna share this because I feel like a lot of you guys will probably get it, but I'm in a place right now where like one thing being added to something I have to do. This sounds funny, but someone texted me who I forgot to text back yesterday. I'm fine puppies. Was that a conference yesterday? I said I was in the conference. I'll text you guys back later. I didn't text them back later because it was a crazy day and I forgot. And they texted me today like hey so are you alive? It wasn't a mean message at all. It was a really caring loving message. If you were in a normal healthy space, you might take that message to be like oh god I totally forgot to respond. Hey sorry guys no I'm totally fine like yeah I just totally forgot to message you like here's what's going on. I saw that message and it like sent me into panic attack. It was one more thing than I was like failing. And one more person who I was failing and one more standard I couldn't live up to and but like I wake up every morning and I give myself a nice little pep talk being like Joe you can do this. Like you are you're capable and intelligent and creative and you can handle this. And I try to be really gentle and loving with myself and take a few minutes to even like journal or a few extra minutes for coffee if that's what I need or like whatever and really try to like pep talk myself into like you can handle the day. And like for instance there are three things that need to get done today. Three major things. And then there's like the list of other things that have to get done like medical records that need to be requested and budgets that need to be figured out like how things are gonna work over the next few months and I'm so paralyzed because as much as I might mentally know like as a human being I have the capacity to get things done. I have the capacity but I don't and I just I just crash and burn right now. I feel like I am failing everyone. Like everything that happens is just another reminder of how I'm not enough. I'm like fucking everything up and I know that is because I am in the midst of depression because for instance that text message situation if a text message comes in you're like oh crap I forgot to respond. I mean like a healthy human response would be to be like hey sorry I forgot to text you back yesterday here's what's up. My response was to shut down start hyperventilating and sob because like the message I saw on the screen was like you're a failure you're incapable you can't do anything right even though that's not what they said and I feel so unable right now to like shake all of these messages that I'm getting from everything. Everything I do seems to tell me more that like it's never gonna be okay and can't do it and you're not capable and like all of that and I wanted to film this now even though I'm a mess and I'm sorry about that and I'm also not sorry about that but I'm sorry about that. To express at a time when I can't really think straight how it feels like to not be able to think straight because I can tell you rationally that like my mind is not working right and it's frightening. Like the other day I was at a meeting and I left that meeting with a list of things to do. A few people to call a couple emails to send and I was driving down the road and then I was just hit by this like because of that like short list of things to do like I can't do this nothing is worth anything what am I even doing here and that's when I like called my friend because that's like a warning sign in my head when I start thinking like that I'm like that's dangerous thinking and you need to talk to someone which is exactly what I did and I go from like functioning getting stuff done and really like accomplishing a lot and being creative and like all of that for like four hours and then something will happen and it all comes crashing down on me and I don't know what to do with myself I don't know how to get out of this I know I've been here before like I'll be sitting staring at a computer screen knowing that I need to like click a button to open up a program to do something and tears will start rolling down my face because the amount of energy that it takes to lift up my arm and a finger to click that button seems so exhausting and so overwhelming that I can't do it and I can't do it for like 20 minutes I just sit there and I stare and I think about how I really need to do this it's not that bad you can do it joe like just get it done and it takes 20 minutes to push a button because I feel like my arm weighs a million pounds that's what depression feels like like these kind of super unhealthy thought cycles are what depression looks like for me and instead of sleeping all the time I can't sleep which probably plays into this as well you hear a lot in the media people talking about like signs of depression and stuff like that where people start saying things like you know people would be better off without me and things like that and I don't usually have that thought cycle like I don't usually think like you know my friends would be better off without me or my family would be better off without me um but I realize that I do have thoughts that really relate to that a lot and what they look like is I'm so incapable of anything that I I just shouldn't be here I should just remove myself from every situation that I'm a part of and that isn't true and that isn't what I'll do but those voices get really loud and really scary and hard to fight and as many times as I do all the right things as I you know get up on time and start my day the right way or you know get some fresh air or maybe stretch and exercise a little bit or you know I take my medications the way I'm supposed to on time so that it you know regulates my system the way that it should and and all of that it doesn't it doesn't work it doesn't do it I've tried the opposite of that too where you know what I'm gonna sleep in I'm not gonna keep a schedule I'm not gonna do all like the handy dandy pretty little self-help book things that people say to like be effective with your life I'm just gonna say fuck it and not do any of those things and see if that works and then that doesn't work either and I'm still left paralyzed staring at the ceiling unable to move from the couch here's the thing guys I know in my brain I'm an intelligent capable creative driven passionate responsible great person I don't think for a second that I'm like full of myself but generally when I'm not like this I've gotten to a place where I love myself and I'm okay with myself and I recognize that I have good qualities and I have good things to offer the world and I have confidence in a lot of ways I didn't before and I have like a leg to stand on just a single leg that's that's getting stronger as I learn more about myself but then all this darkness hit and it's like that's literally erased from my identity in these hours or days or weeks and it's probably confusing for people who are around me and probably confusing if you have friends who are dealing with depression yesterday I was hanging out with people and I was like engaged in conversation laughing smiling animated I was there I was like present and that wasn't a lie like I wasn't faking that and then something happens and it's just a domino effect of catapulting into this dark mental space where I can't breathe and where I need help and so I'm going to go get that help right now it's time to go to counseling and I won't ever stop fighting I won't ever stop figuring out a way through and I've been in similar places before and I know that it passes I know that there's a way through it but I also know that I can't think straight right now and I have no idea what it looks like and for anyone I guess who doesn't know I just wanted to show you what depression looks like and the way it makes your brain think from someone who generally can function okay but this just like strips me of everything in these moments and in these days yeah so that's where things have been at I'm doing much better today that was a couple days ago and you know some people are asking me you know what what triggered this or what it was brought on by and I think a lot a big part of like what triggered it is just everything I've been going through physically all of this side backs all of the wondering if anything is ever going to get better but also it's a state that I've lived with for a long time I have dealt with depression for well clinically seven years but I think well before that as well it's why I care so much about talking about mental health and why I talk about mental health in a lot of my videos because it's affected me so deeply thank you for watching that if you did and if you feel that way I hear you I'm here too I feel that way you're not alone you're not crazy but please find help please find someone to talk to if I didn't have people to talk to people who are professional or even just people online like finding a community that understands I don't know that I would have made it it's vital that you find what you need to make it through that you do whatever you need to do to survive whatever that looks like for you so if you're struggling I'm so sorry I'm here with you I get it and just make sure that you take care of yourself because the important thing is you the important thing is staying alive the important thing is getting through because I promise it will pass and I promise that to myself too because sometimes it's hard to believe it's hard to see it in these moments like I said thank you for listening again just as a reminder I am okay I will be okay I just wanted to film that at a time when things were really bad and when I can't think straight because then other moments I can and it's just a weird existence when I know that I am a reasonably intelligent human adult and then sometimes my brain just goes into this state where I cannot I just can't I can't process things I can't hear things I hear weird messages from everything that tell me dark things and it's hard to fight but I'm fighting it and I'll be okay anyways that's a long outro but um let me know how you guys are doing in the comment section below support each other if you see people are having a hard time I love you guys I actually mean that and I'm so appreciative for the support you've shown me more than you will ever know it makes a difference thanks guys I'll talk to you soon bye guys