 And now, around the world, the Jack Benny program. Rochester, Tennessee, Bob Crosby, and you're truly Don Welch. Take you back a week to last Sunday, where Jack Benny has just finished his television show. And as usual, after a TV show, Jack likes to relax by walking home. Gee, I feel good. I don't know why I was so nervous all through my television show. Everyone was so good. Johnny Ray was just sensational. The audience was great, too. It's not often you get a happy audience like that. Gee, they applauded and laughed at everything. That was a good idea Remly had of serving the martinis before the show. I don't know, I like being on television. I can hardly wait till I appear on the omnibus program. It'd be nice to do something dramatic for a change. Gee, I've accomplished a lot for a man of 39. I wonder how old I really am. Let's see, I've been in show business 35 years, and I was four when I started. That's right, 39. Next year, I'll have been in show business 36 years. That'll make me three when I started. Gee, three years from now I'm gonna be in trouble. What's the difference as long as you feel? Uh-oh, there's a bus. Hey, wait, wait for me! Gallic driver. That's the third one he snatched off my head this month. I didn't want to ride the bus anyway. It's so depressing to put a dime in a machine and not have anything come out. Say, that'd be a good joke for my radio show next week. People love those jokes that make me seem cheap. I must sell it to my writer. Gee, I must have walked fast. Here's Dennis Day's house, and he lives pretty close to me. I'd go in and say hello to him, but his mother and I don't get along. Uh-oh, I can see her through the window. She's just walking into the living room. Mother, Mr. Benny's program has been over for 15 minutes. Well, thank goodness. Mother, why do you always leave the room when Mr. Benny's TV program is on? I can't resist the urge to kick him in the teeth and television sets cost money. Say, what's that you're knitting? It's the sweater I promised you. Gosh, Mother, you're so nice to me. I wish I could do something for you to show my appreciation, but you know what, Mr. Benny pays me. Yes, I know. And after 15 years, I think it's high time you got a raise. Well, Mother, I wanted to ask him for a raise a hundred times, but I could never catch him in a good mood. Well, when is he in a good mood? When he's cutting someone's salary. Dennis, I just can't understand why you keep working for that blue-eyed pinch penny. It has its compensations. Compensation? Yeah, I'm slowly driving him nuts. I'm having some fun with him today, too. Oh, what are you going to do? Well, when he gets home, I'm going to keep calling him on the phone with different celebrities and tell him how great he was on television today. Oh, goodie. He's such a ham. I bet he falls for it, schnook, lion and sinker. I'll make out first that I'm Ronald Coleman. Ronald Coleman? Ah, yes, Benita. I think we have something here. I can hardly wait till Can Head gets home from the studio. Well, Dennis, he won't be home for a few minutes. So while you're waiting, you better rehearse the song you're going to do on the program. Okay. Oh, there's my new gardener. Oh, Jerome, Jerome, plain, but this front yard of mine is a mess. Since I hired you, nothing seems to be growing right. Well, to tell you the truth, Mr. Benny, I never should have taken this job. Why not? I'm a flower man. I don't know nothing about vegetables. Look at your front yard. Carrots, celery, tomatoes, potatoes, eggplant, lettuce, post-nips, artichokes. But... Not one lousy petunia in the whole place. Look, Jerome, just do the best you can. I will, I will. If he couldn't handle it, why didn't he tell me before I bought the plow? There's a Rochester. There's a phone call. Oh, Ronnie, you're just saying that. No, no, no, no. Oh, Ronnie, that's the sweet of you, but I wasn't that good. Ah, yes, you weren't, Jack. Well, thank you. Thank you very much, Ronnie. You know, Ronnie, it's strange, but I've always had a silly notion that you didn't like me. Ah, on the contrary, Jack, I've always thought of you as quite a pleasant chlamieu. Thanks again for calling, Ronnie. I'm so glad you liked my show. Well, I... Goodbye. Rochester, you'll never guess who... Oh, hello, Mary, when did you come in? Rochester let me in while you were on the phone. Rochester, see you at the door, will you? Yes. Incidentally, Mary, what did you think of my TV show? Well, to tell you the truth, Jack, I was so upset about my maid Pauline that I couldn't concentrate on the show. Excuse me, boss. It was Mr. Warner at the front door. He wants to see you privately. He's waiting in the den. Warner? Mr. Jack Warner of Warner Brothers Studios. Oh, Jack Warner. Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Mary. Well, Mr. Warner. Hello, Jack. How have you been, Mr. Warner? Long time no see. You know, Jack, I just heard the news about you making an appearance on the omnibus program. Yes, Mr. Warner. I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight. That's just what I want to talk to you about. What? Look, Jack, you made that picture for us in 1944, didn't you? That's right. It was for the Warner Brothers. Well, since then, our studio has produced streetcar named Desire House of Wax, Hondo, The Eddie Canner Story, Calamity Jane, and this year, I'm sure our picture so big will be up for the Academy Award. So? So we're rolling again. Let us alone. Now, just a minute, Mr. Warner. How can you say that? You yourself told me that when the horn blows at midnight, was shown in Hollywood, the theater made money. That's because we rented out the balcony as a trailer camp. But, Mr. Warner, you can't put all the blame on me. When you did that picture, you made one big mistake. I know. We put film in the camera. Mr. Warner, that's an old joke. Yeah, if I had anything new, I'd have put it in the picture. Sorry, but I still think it's a great story. And if you'd listened to me while we were making it, the horn blows at midnight would have been a terrific hit. Jack, we tried everything. We even spent over $100,000 for a new finish. Nobody even stayed to see it. That's not my fault. And you'll see it's going to be great on television when I do it on omnibus. All right, Jack, if you won't listen to reason, maybe you'll listen to this. We'll give you $5,000 not to do it. No, $10,000. I'm sorry, Mr. Warner, but money means nothing to me. I've got to listen to the repeat show and see if I really heard that. Look, Jack, here's my final offer. My brother's Harry Albert myself are willing to take you into the firm and make you one of the Warner Brothers. No, no, no, I'm afraid not. That means I'd have to change my name. If you do, the picture we're going... Oh, I blew it. That means I'd have to change my name. If you do, the picture we're going to change ours. I'm sorry, but my mind is made up. I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight on television, and that's final, Mr. Warner. Just call me Sam Goldwin. Goodbye, Jack. He heard that I was going to do the horn blows at midnight on omnibus, and he's trying to stop me. Stop you? I don't know why he admitted himself. He's back on his feet. Certainly. I mean, you've done pictures for studios that have never recovered. Why, certainly. After all, it's good to hear from you. Long distance? Yeah, my schnaz is between me and the mouthpiece. Jimmy, I thought you had a million of them. You mean on my TV show? Paid me such compliments. But Jimmy, I'm sure glad you like my show. So long. This is amazing. What's amazing, Jack? First, Ronald Coleman calls now Jimmy Duranty, and they both just raved about my TV show. Well, it was good, Jack. Good. It was a histrionic triumph of stupendous colossal magnitude. Performers' praise, it gives you such a good feeling. Say, Rochester, didn't I hear somebody at the back door? Uh-huh. Here, Mr. Bay, this is yours. The bus driver dropped it on. He didn't run over it like he did the last time. I'll get it. Hello, Rochester. Is the funny man at home? Yes, sir. Oh, hello, Bob. Come on in. Hi, Jack. Hello, Mary. Hi, Don. Hello, Bob. Hey, Bob. That's a nice suit you're wearing. Thanks, Jack. What kind of a flower is that in your lapel? That's an artichoke. I picked it in your front yard. For a minute, I thought I was in the farmer's market. What'd you come over for, Bob? Well, Jack, I was going to call, but my wife insisted that I should mention this to you in person. Well, wife's no best. What is it, Bob? What is it? Jack, I'm still being paid by the week, aren't I? Of course, Bob. That's the way I pay all the members of my cast. Well, I sort of hate to mention it, but this is our 11th show this season, and I'm a little behind. Well, Bob, sometimes there are slight unavoidable delays. The mail is late, or the accounting department slows up a little. How many checks have you gotten? Two. Only two checks all season? That's right. Bob, I don't know what to say. This is terribly embarrassing. I'm a business manager immediately. Well, I already did. I told him I'd receive two checks this whole season. What did he say? Congratulations, I only got one. Well, Bob, sometimes we do get a little behind, but sooner or later, everyone gets paid up. There's a phone again. Hello? Thanks, Eddie. I just can't tell you what this call means. It gives me a real thrill. I'm hung, Eddie. Well, this is really... This is really something. First, Ronald Coleman congratulated me, then Jimmy Duranty, now Eddie Cander. Did Eddie like your show, too? He was nuts about it. Yeah, I feel so good. I want to give a party. Say, why don't you kids come down to the Brown Derby and have dinner on me? How about it, huh? Yeah, the Brown Derby. That sounds good to me. Well, you're all going my car. Good. Oh, wait a minute. Rochester! Yes, Bob! If there are any more calls from me, tell them they can reach me at the Brown Derby. Okay! The party's on me. Are you sure you ordered what you want, Mary? Yes, I haven't had lobster for a long time. Oh, I can hardly wait to get at that wild duck. Well, it won't be long. Don's still ordering. And, waiter, I want a large salad with a whole egg mayonnaise. Very good, Mr. Wilson. We have baked potatoes, mashed and French fries. That'll be fine. I'll have a large t-bone steak, a small filet mignon, a side of spaghetti, carrots, peas. Waiter, I thought I'd told you to put it all on one check. The way he's ordering, I'm lucky if I can get it on three. Well, keep ordering, Don. I don't want any of you to hold back. It's all on me. Say, Jack, isn't that Jimmy Stewart over at that table? Jimmy Stewart? Hey, you're right, Mary. That's Jimmy Stewart sitting right over there. I think I'll go over and say hello to him. There's a phone call for you, Mr. Benny. I'll plug it in here. Oh, thank you. Hello? Oh, hello, Jack. This is Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy, that's... Wait a minute. Jimmy Stewart? Wait, you can't be Jimmy Stewart because he's sitting right here in the brown derby. I'm looking at him right now. Ah, Beniza, we went one too far. I got another letter from Sylvester from overseas. Oh, that boyfriend of mine. He's full of surprises. Now he's decided to run a laundry when he gets out of the army. No, he doesn't know anything about it, but he can learn, Candy. Sure, while he's in the army. Well, all he's got to do is write to Madison 3, Wisconsin, and you Safi sends Emmanuel that tells him all about it. What do you mean, Emmanuel who? They send you a book. Yeah. Sylvester says they've got 19 manuals on all kinds of small businesses. What? How should I know how Sylvester got interested in laundries? Maybe because it's like he wrote me. How many of his buddies have taken him to the cleaners? I must have some nice friends in the army. They're so considerate. Oh, I got a disconnect your guide through. My buzz is flashing. I'll let you know when I hear from Sylvester again. Yeah, don't take any wooden nickels. Bye. It's me, Rochester. Gee, Mr. Benny, you sure finished your dinner in a hurry. I didn't have it. I found out that... I'll get it, boy. Hello, sir, he's here. Just a minute. Bosses, Mr. Lewis, you're a sponsor calling. Oh, it is, eh? I know all about that, my sponsor. These tricks have gone too far. Give me that phone. Now look, you silly stupid kid. I don't want you calling me up anymore with these crazy things. And the next time I see you... Excuse me, Mr. Benny, I came over to apologize. Quiet, Dennis. I'm talking on the phone. Now look, you stupid... This is here. Mr. Lewis. Mr. Lewis, I thought you were someone else. Really, I did, Mr. Lewis. But... But...but...but... Berg, George Balzer, and John Cacobarri are produced and transcribed by Hilliard Marks. Don Wilson speaking. Good night. This is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service.