 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. This is Don Wilson, friends. Let's take a good, close look at the subject of why you smoke cigarettes. Think it over a minute, and you'll agree that the main reason, and probably the only reason you smoke, is simply that you enjoy it. You like the taste of a cigarette. Sure, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste. And the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother, for two very important reasons. One is, LS, MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. The tobacco in Lucky's is fine, naturally mild, good tasting. Another reason for this better taste is, that Lucky's are actually made better. Made round and firm and fully packed, to draw freely and smoke evenly. Fine tobacco in a better made cigarette, gives you better taste every single time. So if you go along with me, that smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, then be happy, go Lucky. Because the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better. Get a carton of Lucky Strike, and see for yourself. Be happy, go Lucky, get better taste today. The Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston Rochester, Dennis A. Bob Crosby, the sportsman of Quartett and yours truly does. Ladies and gentlemen, many times in the past I've opened this program by taking you out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills. But tonight, just for a change, let's all go out to Mr. and Mrs. Bob Crosby's house on the edge of Beverly Hills. Many times, many times, I have watered your kids. Many times, many times. Oh Bob, Bob. Yes, you? You've been in the den here for an hour. What are you doing? Well, just rehearsing some songs, dear. I'm thinking of making another personal appearance. Personal appearance? Where? Las Vegas. Oh, Bob, I wish you wouldn't. You remember what happened last time we were up there? You gambled every night and lost quite heavily. Oh, I know. Well, don't do it again. I miss the baby. Really, Bob, I'm serious. I wish you wouldn't play another personal appearance. Well, why not, dear? Well, you're so busy. You're on Mr. Benny's show every week. You play benefits, you make records, and you have your own TV show five days a week. You're never home anymore. Oh, June, you're exaggerating. Oh, Mother. Mother. Yes, dear. Can I go to the park and play ball? Certainly. Okay, I'll be back in time for dinner. Say, Mom. Yes, dear. Who's this guy, the plumber? He's your father. Well, certainly I'm your father. Don't you recognize me, Chris? I'm Steve. Come along, Steve, and be home in time for dinner. I will. Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye. Dad? Gosh, he's grown. Honey, I could have sworn he was Chris. Gosh, you know, June, I've been thinking about what you said, though, and I think I'm going to forget about personal appearances and spend more time at home. Oh, Bob, I wish you would. I will, and not only that. I think why don't we have a dinner party here at home like we used to? Oh, that would be wonderful. How about next Saturday night? That's fine. I'll invite all the boys in my band and their wives, and you know what, June, I think we ought to invite Jack Benny, too. You do? Why, certainly. Oh, but Bob, he's such an important man, and he's so busy. You can't call and invite him to dinner on such short notice. Well, I'm going to try anyway. Bob, I think you're making a big mistake. Now, don't you worry, June, I've got an idea. Look, we'll change the date of our dinner to fit Jack's convenience. Hello? Hello, Jack. This is Bob Crosby. Oh, hello, Bob. Say, Jack, June and I would like to invite you to our house for dinner, and, well, when would it be possible for you to come? Oh, seven o'clock, 7.15, 7.30. I can be over right now. We weren't thinking of tonight. We were thinking of some night this week. Which would be the most convenient? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. Well, you skipped Thursday. Oh, I babysit that night. Oh. I used to do it for you, but you lost your kid in Las Vegas. I know, I know. But Jack, how about coming over for dinner Saturday night? Oh, fine, Bob. Fine. Say, after dinner, we can have some fun. You know, play gin or scrabble. Oh, no, thank you, Jack. I'll never play scrabble with you again after last Sunday's game. You're too tricky for me. I don't know how in the world you do it. Do what? Well, there are only two whys in the game, and yet you made the word money 11 times. All right, we'll play something else. So long. See you Saturday. So long, Jack. Goodbye, Bob. Gee, it was nice of Bob to invite me over to his house for dinner. He's always doing things like that. Having people over for dinner, taking them out to nightclubs, having parties. He's so generous. He ought to see a psychiatrist. Well, when Rochester comes home for shopping, I better tell him I won't be home for dinner Saturday night. Gee, he's been at that market a long time. Coming, coming. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Come on in. Thanks. I wasn't expecting you today, Dennis. Anything wrong? No, I just wanted to ask you a favor. Could you lend me $10? $10? Yes, I guess so. What do you want it for? I want to get myself tattooed. Tattooed? Why? Well, I was in the Navy during the war, and yet nobody will believe I was a sailor. What are you going to have tattooed on you? My uniform. Well, that's about the sit... Look, kid, if you want something tattooed on you to show that you were in the Navy, why don't you have a life preserver or an anchor? Oh, wait a minute, how about the battleship Missouri? No, my mother has that. Your mother has a battleship tattooed on her? When she wears a corset, it looks like it's sinking. Say, wait a minute, kid, I've got a good idea. Why don't you do what I did when I was in the Navy, have the American flag put on your arm? Gee, I didn't know you had the American flag on you. Yeah, I had it done the first day I joined the Navy. Wait, I'll roll up my sleeve and show it to you. See? Gee, only 13 stars. Yes, Dennis, only 13 stars, but not for the reason you think. I made the man stop because he was hurting me. Then why did he put them in a circle? You don't want to get into any more discussions with you. Now, I'll make you a proposition. Yeah, what? If I lend you the $10, will you let me hear the song you're going to do on next Sunday's program and leave immediately? Yes, sir. Okay, here's the $10. What song are you going to say? My brand new RCA Victor recording of Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine. Okay, let's hear it. Here we sit enjoying the shade Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Drink the drink that I have made Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Tell you why the day is sunny I'm in love with lips of honey Wait till you see the way she walks Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine He is coming here to stay Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine I have waited for this day Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Every letter others have tried But I will get her Wait till you see the way she walks Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine What is life? What is spring? What are all? Love my friend is everything And love me as you can Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Pour it quickly once again Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine She's here at last my one and only good-bye friends Don't be lonely Till you see the way she walks Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Others was never met Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine Just me two and she's not her Yes, you can Hey, once again Hey Quarter, it should sound swell on the program Go get yourself tattooed Okay, Mr. Benny You know what I think I'll do? I'll have them tattooed You promised me if I lent you the $10 Don't say anything You just go Yes, sir Okay, then go All right, goodbye Bye Dennis gets sillier and sillier every day I don't know how I've stood him all these years But it's my own fault I should have known when I first saw him There was something wrong with him What other man wears a size three hat? I don't know, sometimes I think Mr. Benny, I'm back from the market Good I'm in the kitchen putting the things away I'll come in and help you Hey, what took you so long, Rochester? Well, I had a lot of things to do You know, I took all the hamburger out of the freezer Sold it and bought 36 quarts of milk Why'd you do that? Beef went up, milk went down Say, Rochester, what's this? A head of lettuce How can this be lettuce? It's pure white The fat is over, they're taking chlorophyll out of everything What the way, Mr. Benny, are you going out tonight? No, I think I'll stay home and practice my violin Your violin? Oh, boss, calm down I'll wait till you get out of the house Meanwhile, I'm going in the den and read for a while Okay Gee, I haven't read a book in a long time Let's see what's here Waterville by Joe Laurie, Jr. Look who's abroad now by Earl Wilson Can you hear the book I haven't read? 100 famous poems Gee, I haven't read poetry in a long time I think I'll read this Let's see, see they have some wonderful poems in this book Chards of the Light Brigade, Iowatha The Wreck of the Hesperus Ganga Den There was an old lady from... whoops, somebody penciled that in Oh, here's one of my favorite poems I haven't read it in years The Shooting of Dan McGrew I think I'll read that The Shooting of Dan McGrew by Robert W. Service Handles the music box Was hit in a jagged-time tune Hey bartender, bartender, bartender Yeah? I want to drink a whiskey Okay, how much whiskey do you want? About three fingers Here you are Give me another drink How much this time? Oh, about four fingers Okay There you are, four fingers whiskey You know, mister, you're the first man I ever saw a drink out of a glove The only man in Alaska that got a hangnail with a hangover I've gone out and trapped in this saloon for eight days by that darn blizzard How much longer do you think it'll last? I don't know Well, I'm going to take a look outside and see how the weather is Get it outside Cloudy Good bartender Being stuck in a place like this for eight days can drive a guy nuts I've got to have a little excitement Tell you what, I'll bet you five dollars I can shoot those three glasses off the top shelf in three shots Five dollars says it can't It's a bet Stand back, everybody There's one There's two You lost No, I didn't I've got twenty dollars more that says you did It's a bet The bullet has made me a fortune Anybody else want a bet? Hey, you at the piano Don't you know any other music? Nah, he's ignorant But those four fur trappers in the corner You must have had five fingers yourself I see those four fur trappers in the corner, they can sing some songs Well, is here, sir Okay, take it, fellas Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Here's what the letters say, send more luckies right away I'm a gonbar of the Eskimos, they smoke luckies too, you know? Eskimo Eskimo Smokyono Halloween Halloween Cigarette Zeolite Zeolite Lucky strike Lucky strike Living mid-sea, ice and snow, we're so very glad to know She's as happy as can be, we send LSMFD MFT MFT We agree We agree Eskimo Eskimo Smokyono Halloween Halloween Cigarette Zeolite Zeolite Lucky strike Lucky strike That was say, see good Hey look, mister, the blizzard is letting up Well, I think I'll get going Where's my partner? Hey, Wilson Wilson Here I am Come on, we're going up north to find gold Gold, you hear me? Gold Just a minute, partner Don't risk your life out there in these icy ways looking for gold What is gold? Can't eat it, can you drink it? Gold's only money The money'll only bring you unhappiness, misery and sorrow Would you mind repeating that? Money'll only bring you unhappiness, misery and sorrow This boy is not only fat, but he's stupid Now come on, let's get the dogs ready and the sled We're going The phone might as slow, Wilson And it's all your fault I took you out as a partner because I was a greenhorn You told me you knew everything about the Yukon You told me you knew how to handle these dog teams and sled Of course I do What makes you think you don't? Well, I have a feeling the dog should be pulling the sleds And we should be riding A cocker spaniel with a whip is murder That dog yells mush at me once more is going to be trouble Gee, I can't stand this no more Three weeks we've been traveling through these frozen wastes Wait a minute, comes a man, an Eskimo Oh yeah, I'll go and talk to him Won't do any good, these Eskimos don't talk in English I know, but I talk Eskimo I'll say hello to him Hey, compare That's Eskimo? He's coming towards us And he's carrying food Yeah, maybe he'll give us some blubber I mean, maybe he'll give us some blubber Hey, he wants to talk to us Oogie oogie, wah wah, magahoo, magahee What'd he say? What'd he say? He says his name is a mighty hunter And he's chief of an Eskimo tribe Ask him if he'll be our guide, lead us to the goal Mughla Mughla Yucca Takara Iklu Marabu Oogie Gloob Nuggy Coots Teegla Three of my riders must come from Bismol Beach Nuggy Nuggy talking He says he can't be our guide, he's got something else to do Ask him what? Oogie Tula Nuggarari Takalugi Mugi Papus Nunga Wah Wah What'd he say? He's got to go to Las Vegas and pick up his kid Go on by yourself Goodbye Eskimo Goodbye and don't forget dinner Saturday night Let's go Inside of that mountain We found a vein of pure gold Do you hear me Wilson? Look at it, pure gold Oh boy, am I unhappy, miserable and sorry Listen, let's dig that gold and go back to the saloon It's that dangerous Dan McGrew Now watching his luck was his lighter love The lady that's known as Lou Went out of the night which was fifty below And had to stumble a miner fresh from the crease Okay bartender, I struck it rich Set up drinks for everybody Does that include me, handsome? Sure does Lou I came right back here after finding the gold just to see you Well, the minute I heard you was coming I hurried home and got into this new dress You must have been in a hurry You didn't get all the way into it But Lou, I got presents for you now that I'm rich I got diamonds and ermine furs, a fifty four convertible A platinum mine, jewels and a yacht for you Oh darling Just call me Santa baby Oh wonderful, come here honey, kiss me Kiss, I won't need my dogs or my sled anymore Why not? There ain't no more snow between here and the north Give me another kiss Lou Sure honey, oh wait a minute, be careful Here comes dangerous Dan McGrew Lou, come here a minute Yes Dan Didn't I see you kissing this stranger a minute ago? Yes you did, hey he sounds dangerous What about it? You know what I do to guys I catch kissing my gal? What? I cut off their heads and hang them up by their hair Oh I'll have to think of something different for you I ain't scared Now listen to me Dan McGrew Lou is my gal and I'm taking her with me Oh no you're not, draw your gun Don't, don't fight boys please Get out of the way Lou, I'm ready Dan Then I reach for a rod and the lights went out And two guns blazed in the dark And a woman screamed and the lights went up And two men lay stiff and stark Bye stiff So long Stark That's known as But first a word from one of the world's funniest men of letters America's comic poet laureate Dr. Nash Somebody once went through my poems And made a list of the things I disliked It's a pretty long list too However in the list of things I like They said he likes good eating Of course I like good eating I like good anything, good fun Good smoking Naturally I smoke luckies To put it poetically I hope I'm not a crank But I've got one foible I don't enjoy anything unless it's enjoyable I'm panickety about what I like And for 30 years I've smoked Lucky Strike We agree with Ogden Nash about smoking enjoyment It's all a matter of taste And the fact of the matter is Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother For two good reasons First LSMFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco Second, luckies are made better To draw freely and smoke evenly That too means better taste for you So be happy, go lucky Pick up a carton and prove to yourself That luckies taste better Luckies taste better Cleaner, fresher, smoother Lucky strike, lucky strike We're a little late so good night folks The Jack Many program is brought to you by Lucky Strike Product of the American Tobacco Company America's leading manufacturer of cigarette