 As a dating or relationship coach for those in midlife, it's, I really am honored to be able to share stories from people of success stories, but also their journey to attracting love in their life. And I'm really excited to have a personal friend of mine here. Her name is Patty Tierney. And I just want to give you a quick little backstory before we get into this conversation of how men respect women who have this, okay? So Patty is, she's 75 years old, but she found a wonderful man in her life at age 59. But that's not really her story. I'm saying this only because many of you who feel like you can't find love at midlife, I just want you to know whether you're, you know, 29, 39, 49, 59, 69, or even 79, you can actually find love in your life when you have this, we'll call it the secret for a moment, but it's not really a secret. So I'm excited to have my dear friend Patty Tierney on right now to share your story. Oh, and I completely forgot she has a book that we're going to talk about as well. Everyone, her book is called for a good time, call Patty. And really quickly, if you want to get a copy of the book, there's a link in the show notes under Jonathan recommends. And you'll be able to see the book right here for most of the, or for the broadcast. So I'm excited to have you on. I'm excited, I'm thrilled. So we, I know your story, but most people don't know your story about how you reach the point of where you're at today, where you wrote the book, but more importantly, what got you there and including meeting a great man in your life. And I love John, he's a dear friend of mine. So can you share, we can play around with how the story began for you. So yeah, 59 years old, getting married, great. It was a wonderful journey to that place, but going back, it's not easy. You go through a lot. I went through a lot. I had very low self-esteem. Keep talking. Being raised by an alcoholic mother who was gone a lot, wasn't present in my life. And I was just given messages that I wasn't enough from the beginning. And so when I would go on dates through the years, that's where it really showed up. I wanted to be enough. I always wanted to be enough. And I was never in the position of interviewing the date. I was always the one, am I good enough? Am I gonna be enough for you? And by the way, really quickly, because my coaching is all about interviewing men for the process to see if they're worthy enough for you. In your particular case, you were maybe so worried about, are you good enough for that? All the time, all the time. I was nervous. I was drinking a lot in those days and to numbing myself just to have the courage to show up. And I wanted to be enough and that meant be fun enough so that they would want me back. And so, thank God for people that come into your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a woman join Mitchell, came into my life at some point. And she taught me and along with other goddesses that self-love is the way to go. Yeah. Once you get on that path of self-talk that you say the most wonderful things to yourself. I am good. And then you repeat it. I am enough. I am smart. That was a big one for me because I got a message when I was young and it was dumb, stupid girl. And so I carried that through my life. So I was always dumb, I thought. And not so. Once I started self-talk, changed everything. It really, really was a game changer. So, but your journey, and I'm gonna ask you to speak up a little bit more for the audience because it might be, just, no, you don't have to, yeah. But your journey has an interesting twist to it that really inspired the book you wrote. And I'd like you to lean into how it happened, if it's okay with you. And how this really puts you on a trajectory of self-love and really what this topic is, is really about self-respect. Yes. Okay. Yeah. I know now that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that there's a lot of women that get abandoned by their husbands. In my case, I was kicked out because I wanted a divorce. And- Oh, gosh. I was 38, 40. 38, oh, 40. Okay, okay. Something like that. That seems to be the common age. People go through their first divorce, if you will. Right, right. So I wanted him to move. And I wanted a divorce because I had quit, was quitting drinking and I wanted him to quit drugs and drinking and let's get it together and have a good life and raise our kids. So one day he said, nope, I'm changed my mind. You've got three minutes to get out. You and the kids are all blow you all away. Whoa. Yeah. Actually, I didn't know that part of the story. Yeah, that was pretty scary. Okay. So I grabbed the kids, we got in my car and by the way, the backstory of that, things were insane at my house. Okay. It was unbearable. There was so much cocaine, so much drinking. I just wanted peace and quiet and he was going around the house with the gun, pointing it out the window, telling me that there were cops in the bushes. That's the paranoia that comes along with that. So our life was crazy. We left and got in the car and I knew I was never coming back. Okay. I knew no matter what, it was so horrible here, nothing could be worse. And so I went out. It was awful because I was homeless for a little while. And so the kids were four, eight and nine and poor kids, they had to go through this. And so all I could do is just tell them, it's gonna get better, it's gonna get better, we'll get a place. And I had no idea how we were gonna get a place, but I just knew I wouldn't quit. We stated some relatives for a bit and one day I was looking for a job to, well, I borrowed $1,000 from my brother-in-law to get a place, so we had a place. Now I needed to get a job. So I was driving and my car broke down. I went into the gas station and the gas station, I said, I can't pay for this, but can I leave my car here and I'll come back with the money? He said, well, don't worry about that. If you don't have the money, we can take it out and trade. And I said, what? I couldn't believe it. Are you saying right? Did I hear you right? Did you know what that meant? I wasn't sure. I kind of thought, but I didn't think, I would say like, I'm not that kind of a girl. And then I'd say, can you tell me that again? And he said, well, make me happy for an hour. And he took his card out of his pocket and pressed it in my hand. I wasn't gonna call him. I just said, I'll find another way. So I went back to the place that I had rented with that $1,000 and there was no gas, no electricity, but I had a place and waited enough furniture because it was all at my house. So three days went by and I was stressed out drinking more because I was stressed out. I didn't want to drink, but I was nervous. And I knew that this would be, at least I had to get my car fixed. If I had my car fixed, I could get a job, get it, pay for the rent and everything else. So I called him. I called him in the morning. My hands were shaking. I took a glass of wine in the morning. I learned that from my mom. She drank from morning and night my whole life. So there was that. And I said, okay, well, just this once, I need to get my car fixed so I can get a job. So I just hated the word prostitution. I thought, gosh, that's a big deal. To be a prostitute, but I thought, well, I'll just look at myself like the girl next door. And just doing this a couple of times to get some money together so that I could kind of live with it. It was awful on the way to the gas station. I mean, on the way to the motel. I rode in his car and it smelled like grease and the odor of the gas station. And I was nervous. I didn't know what to say. Did you drink beforehand? Yes. Okay. Cause that might've given you a little bit of courage. When I say courage, but there's liquid courage, but it actually, I suspect on some level, numbs you to what you're about to do. It does on some level, but when it's this much of a deal, I was still nervous. Okay. Yeah. And we talked about his kids on the way, where it is, oh, this is the school my kids went to, he would say, and I look at the trees and it was just very awkward. The good news is, and this was such a gift for me, that it was over in like five or 10 minutes. It was just... I'm sorry. I'd like to have this man. Yeah. Well, no, actually he put the condom on and it was over before he, as he got me. Okay. So I was like, oh my gosh. You know, I had stress. Was he a young guy? No. No. Okay. He wasn't. He was, I don't know, 65, something like that. And he was the owner of the gas station. So I was so glad that it's finally over with and wow, I didn't have to do anything. I thought that's really great. So on the drive home, I had a smile and I said, wow, this isn't bad. Wow. Yeah, I said, this isn't bad. Look at this. I just made more in a half hour than I could ever make in a day practically on my housekeeping job that I had at the time. Yeah. I was making $6 an hour there. And here, I didn't know what to charge, but I didn't pay money. He didn't pay me money. He fixed my car. Yeah, this was in trade. Yeah, this was in trade. But I'm getting a sense there's more to this. Yeah. And so how did, so? So he ended up telling his cousins. Oh gosh. Telling his friends here, call Patty, you know, and I was getting calls. I said, no, no, I'm gonna get a job. I've got my car now. But I didn't, I did that for a little bit. And now I'm drinking more because of all the stress. And I got fired from my housekeeping job because I would stay up late and come in hungover and I got fired. So now I didn't have my housekeeping job. But I thought I could just do this as a living if I could just not tell the kids, not let the kids hear. So I got a pager and so I could have my phone calls in private and my phone number was on the pager and I would call them, return the calls in private. So I did this and I made a name for my business. I said I was a real estate hostess. Oh gosh. I told my kids I was a real estate hostess because that's how I could leave the house for an hour or so once in a while to show a house. I wasn't in real estate. I didn't know anything about real estate but I knew how to show the house and flush the toilet so they could see it was a good house. So it's interesting as you're sharing this and I know a lot of people are probably wondering how could we reach such a point of doing this and that some people might feel repulsed by it or disgusted or whatnot. How did you, and whether everybody's got a story. Yours is a really unique one. That's why I wanted to share it with my audience but I've had my own story. How did you rationalize this for yourself? Well, like I said, I said to myself because I thought prostitutes were with mini skirts and boots and they were walking the streets and I'm drugs. I rationalized it because number one I think I'm very smart even though my message was that I was a dumb, stupid girl. I have common sense and I thought, okay I can raise my kids, not tell anyone have be able to go to their school events and little league games, be home with them. And because otherwise I didn't have the education to make enough money to raise three kids on my own. I just didn't. So that worked for me, you know, it made it. So, okay, I want to fast forward. So how did you get out of it and how does self-love and self-respect play into this? Everything. Okay. Everything. Self-love was a concept I had no idea what that was. Myself talk changed when I got a cassette from my daughter and it said, I am smart. I am good. I am loving and so on. And I would repeat those words back to myself until I owned them and that was, it came natural that I was thinking highly of myself. And after a while, I began to change and I began to see myself as I was saying those words to myself, I saw myself differently. And I felt good and I started to get confidence. It was a process as everything is in life. But you were still poking, I'm sorry, yeah, okay. But you're starting to change from the inside out. Absolutely. And I suspect there was a breaking point for you that said, this is it, I'm done. There was. And what happened? And that came after 17 years. Oh shoot, I forgot it was that long, that's right. Wow, so you started at 38. Yeah, and I quit drinking at 48 or 46, something like that. And it was right around that time after that. Yeah, I wanted to have a respectable job. I felt like I deserved that now. I had built myself up to believe that I was, I had value. And so I went back to school and became a medical assistant. And I thought, wow, I'm working with doctors. That's really cool. Look at me. I was a hooker. I'm in a doctor's office. Well, that actually had to be a little bit satisfying. I mean, partially our ego a part of that, but also your self-respect. Here I am. I did this and now I'm in this environment. Yeah, and one of the doctors that I was her nurse for she became my friend and I started attracting people of a higher quality and that matched who I was. Because I just loved myself and that took a while. And it's, I found out later that being of service is what really lights me up. Transform, can I go to that? No, well, okay. So let me just give a little fast forward for this. So folks, just to give you some backstory of how Patty and I became friends, we have a mutual group of people. I call it my spiritual community, but it's like our soul community. And I met Patty at an event where it was kind of like group therapy meets pajama party cocktail party. I'll call it like that. Does that seem fair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'd learned, and again, this is fast forwarding a bit, was that Patty was this woman, at least to me was this woman who had a level of wisdom that I didn't have in my life. And I believe because you, for lack of a better word, were in the streets and you had this sense of common sense, if you will, as you share it in your story. In our group of friends, I would ask Patty some personal intimate questions, not about her life, about my own life. And you provided this amazing wisdom. And through this experience with your now husband, back in you met John when you were 59 years old, they started a group called Transform. And it's for people that have, is okay if I share, sex addiction problems and help them overcome that and recover from that. So I just want you to spend one minute on that. I won't get into it too much. Yeah, I went through a lot of trauma growing up. And I mean, we all do, we all have our own trauma. And mine was pretty intense. I mean, we moved 23 times in four years. Every couple of months we were moving, couldn't pay the rent or too drunk and noisy, we were evicted all the time. Life was crazy. And I was on the streets a lot, just getting street smart. And so the wisdom that I gained is post-traumatic wisdom, it really is. And so I have that to offer, because I've been there. Interesting. And I've never heard that before, post-traumatic experience, wisdom. Yeah, that's where it comes from. It's interesting, because again, everybody has a story of how, and most of the time we get to the pit of despair, I think. And we have a choice. We can just stay and wallow in that. Sometimes we self-medicate, which you had done with alcohol. I know I did a lot of drugs and alcohol when I was in my pit of despair, when I lost my quarter million dollar your job. And I only share that is we all, whatever gets us there, not judging it, but it's how we got out of this pit of despair, how we got out of it. And just the fact that you started with those, the tape. I'm good enough, I'm lovable, I'm likable, I'm enough, I'm smart. In fact, smart is one that plagues so many people. I know it's funny, people don't know this about me, but one of my core wounds is I'm dumb. Okay, same. It's because my school teacher at third grade said in front of the classroom, you're stupid. And that wound is carried with me. So coming back to wisdom, Patty is a friend of mine where I could just share some things while I was in my personal growth journey and you had such wisdom, but I didn't know it came from post-traumatic and more importantly, it came from the streets. Came from living it, you know, and all kinds of situations. So I wanna take questions from our group in a moment, but let's put a bow on this. How we got to this post-traumatic wisdom and then getting to your book. And again, everyone, I just wanna remind everyone, the book is called for a good time, you know, for a good time, call Patty basically, surviving sex work and the addiction to become a mother I was meant to be. And by the way, there's a link below in Jonathan recommends books and I want you to get a copy of this book. I highly recommend it. And really quickly, let's talk about your kids for a second too, because they were a part of this. How did, you know, did they ever learn about it? How did they react to it? And how did you heal with your children from this? When I knew that I was going to publish my book, right before that, I knew that I needed to tell my children. I wanted to tell them so there wouldn't be a wedge between us because the secret was just a lot. Yeah, cause it's almost a 30 year old secret. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I told them when they were in their 30s and one at a time, it was actually the week of Mother's Day, I have all things. That's actually an appropriate time. Yeah, it was appropriate. And I told them one at a time, I told my oldest one first. And actually, I didn't know how to tell them. I was so nervous, like, how do I tell them? So I walked around my living room and I prayed for joy. Yeah. The woman who came into my life and helped me, I said, Joy, I need to tell my son today how I started being a prostitute. And what words could I use to tell him? And just really quickly for everyone, Joy has since passed on. So you're talking to her from a spiritual perspective. Yes, she's passed on. I'm praying to Joy. And I went into my office and I sat down to type and I took three scent, three inhales, and I smelled gardenias and she said, I will come to you in the scent of gardenias. And she had told me before she passed that she was going to be my spirit guide. So I was still amazed when I inhaled and there was this bouquet of gardenias that was just like amazing. And so I typed, it just came out of me, just typed what to say to my son. I clicked it off of the printer and my son came to the door. Oh. And so I said, I have something to tell you today. He came for lunch, he used to come for lunch every week. And we sat down and I read, he said, is everything all right, mom? I said, yeah, but I have something I need to share with you. And so I read this that explained it. And it's hard to take, it's hard to take I mean, this was a lie. This person wasn't really who this person wasn't. And it was awful, awful, hard to tell him, but good at the same time, you know? Yeah, cause you're releasing a lot. This is like a lot of weight. Oh gosh, yeah, a lot of weight. And for him, I wanted him to know who his mother is. I wanted us to be close. And they were in their 30s and they're now, gosh, he's almost 50 now. Okay, okay. So it's been a journey. I told all three of them that week, one after another. And this is a book in 20 years in the making, you know? This isn't, so I want to shift the dynamic for a little bit. Folks, I titled this men respect women who have this. Folks, this has nothing to do with men, okay? The title is there because most of you follow, you're all dying to know to try to understand the way men operate. My channel is all about your own individual empowerment, your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-respect, your self-love. That's where my book comes in. What the heck is self-love anyway? Which Patty gives me an endorsement there. Yeah, I love his book. Why I'm sharing this with everybody today and why I wanted to do this video was because ladies, this has nothing to do with men, okay? Yes, you found a great man in your life at age 59. Again, whether you're 59 or 75, you can attract a partner in your life, you know? And so it's not about men. Really, the journey, at least from my perspective, of happiness is really our capacity to love ourselves and to love others. I don't see it singular. It's not loving yourself, it's and loving others. And coming back to being of service, you and I view ourselves as people who want to give to others. And so you've done it now through your book. You do it through this group transform. She is like our, I don't wanna call you the den mother. You're like the fairy godmother in our group. You're one of the wise elders within our community. I am blessed to be part of a community of well over 100 people. In fact, we're going to a wedding this weekend with a group of them who are human beings who search for something more and recognizing that most of the time for us to heal, oftentimes we have to be brought to that pit of despair. And I believe God, universe, spirit, however you view the world, it gives us opportunities to love ourselves. And I know many of you get frustrated. You're in the dating process and you have a man who ghosted you, disappeared, broke up with you. It doesn't matter what the man does. It matters most how you approach it. And you, for a long time for 17 years to some degree got used by men, okay? I just did a video about being used, not this kind of used. And yet you found the courage to bring yourself out. And now you're in a great place in your life. You have wonderful friends, myself included. And I wanted to share this with everyone. I wanna open it up to questions. Okay, I just wanna say one thing. Okay, go ahead and say one. Oh, by the way, really quickly, if you have a question, write the word question, then post the question there after, okay? I just wanted to say when I had this low self-esteem and I felt like I wasn't enough, that changes over time. You set your intention and you up your game. And as a period of time goes by, you start loving yourself. And then before you know it, all of a sudden you find yourself, you're doing the interviewing. Are you good enough for me? And then you stop stuffing your feelings and you feel the pain instead of drinking to numb it. And then you somehow, magically, you have transformed yourself into this person that's so proud to be who you are. So that's how I got to know it. And you have a happy life, right? I have a very happy life. Oh, and by the way, she said I was interrupting her. That's how she found John. By the way, John is on. Oh, good. Yeah, so he commented earlier. So hi, John. Folks, I want to open this up for questions. I know this is a unique story. By the way, we're getting already comments. This is so inspiring. Will I be able to watch later at work? Yes, you will. You both are very lucky, face red, heart shaped. Here's Nancy says, the focus should be on ourselves first. Gatarina says, I love this message. We already, Tasha says, amen, Jonathan, I amen to Patty as well. Folks, we're going to take questions now. So if you have a question, write the word question, then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there, right behind Patty. That's my son who passed away four and a half years ago in his honor. I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute. So, and again, if you purchase a Super Sticker, you can post a question there. Already we got lists, just gave us a $5 Super Sticker. So thank you so much. And by the way, Patty really quickly was a, I wanted to share something really quickly because when Connor passed away, I was blessed to have this great community. You were a great support person for me, but more importantly, you're an amazing support person to my son, Colin. And he is, so you have helped him over the years. We all need wise elders in our lives. And these elders get there by going through really fucking shitty experiences sometimes. And I'm grateful that you went through this so you could be a support person to my son. So, all right, we have a question. I love him. We're gonna see him shortly. So really quickly, Kim writes question. Every time my boyfriend and I have an argument, I go to work and crush, and my crush, who is a customer, shows up. Is there perhaps a spiritual being that put him there when I needed to cheer up? Ooh. Mm. Well- Do you have a thought? Well, there are no accidents. First, my first thought is that. And it couldn't be. It could be. Why would cheering, oh, I can't ask questions back. Yeah, well, you can, but if you respond back. It just could be. We never know where that's gonna come from. But if that's what you need. Well, just like the gardenias, you know, whether, like for me, just on a side note, when I see a yellow butterfly, I think of Connor. Now, I'd say from, okay, but now let me be your dating or relationship coach for a moment. You're in a relationship with someone and you have an argument, okay? Now, I get that you have a crush on someone. I don't believe that's healthy to, you know, be crushing on someone else when you're in a relationship. And let me ask you, if it was in reverse, how would you feel about that? If it was the other way around? So it could be, that could be the reason for it or maybe the reason is an opportunity for you to lean into having a serious conversation with him and to heal whatever is causing the disagreements with one another because you and I both know. Healthy relationships starts with healthy communication with one another from the very beginning. Do you know, Marie and I haven't had one argument since we've been together and it's almost a year now. Hey, I get that. John and I never had an argument, 16 years. So, and I think it's because we address things right when they come up. I mean, maybe we have a little, you know, sometimes we piss each other off or whatever, but nothing to the point of raising voice or whatnot. So, Kim, that's my suggestion. Begin what I call radical honesty with your partner. Okay? All right, let's keep going here. Let me see what we've got here. If we have any questions. Jonathan, between Marie and Patty, you surround yourself with wonderful people. This means you must be wonderful. Yes, he is. Well, you know, I'm gonna own that for a second. You know what? I've eliminated people from my life that were, I don't wanna use the word toxic, but just not enriching my life. And I suspect you've done the same thing yourself. So, yes, I am blessed to have some really wonderful people. All right, Katarina writes, how did you and John meet? Thank you, Patty, for being here. So how did you and John meet? John and I met. I was on a double date with Joy and somebody that I was dating and we met at the hustler. The hustler in Hollywood. You're talking about from Hustler magazine? The hustler store where they have. Oh, the hustler store, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. And he was doing, what do you call it, a Tantra event with his partner, Shama, that evening. And that's why we went to see the Tantra event. And he was wonderful. And by the way, really quickly, Tantra isn't necessarily sexual. I invite everyone to Google Tantra. Tantra is more about breathing and connecting with yourself. It's certainly from a self-love spiritual perspective. And not that I want to get into this, but he was with a partner, eventually you two connected, but he still was dear friends with Shama. We're all dear friends with Shama until she passed away. So. We kind of have a way of, because we love each other, we don't have to let go of the love just because the relationship changes. In fact, how I met you was through my previous partner, Sherry, she and I went to a, what's called a God goddess group, the kind of that group therapy meets the Jama party event. And even though Sherry and I aren't together, we're still good friends. In fact, we're going to a wedding this weekend. She'll be there and I'm staying at Sherry's place. I'm going with John to the same wedding. Oh yeah, we're gonna see at the wedding. So anyway, I just, what Patty just said, just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean the love has to end. When you do what's known as conscious uncoupling, I'm only going to talk about this for one second because my dear friend, Catherine Woodward Thomas wrote a book called conscious uncoupling, Five Steps to Living Happily Ever After. Folks, I only, and there's a copy of the book below. Here's the thing, because this brings it back to self love and self respect. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the love has to die. It just means it's been transformed into something different. Now, in many cases, I fully believe you should sever a relationship with someone because it doesn't make good sense for you. We're part of a community where it's interesting because like we'll be seeing Jeff and Zoomey, they're no longer together and but they're still dear friends with one another. Some relationships don't work out and that's okay too. That's okay too. Yes. Okay, Laura says, question. I have a hard time with self love. Are you good enough for me? I'm always, I'm not good enough so I need to prove myself. Help. Well, I get that for sure. Live that for so many years and just know that just keep going. Don't give up. Stay on the path that you're on. Set your intentions and to have self love, be conscious of what you say, the words that you choose. Self talk is super important. And in my book for a good time, there's a place where you can go and I've recorded self talk tapes where you can listen to them and they're in one minute bites and you can say it over, but that will help and just don't give up. You'll get there. So when I was in the pit of, you know, it's interesting. I'd lost my quarter million dollar a year job. I got a divorce. I'd lost all my money in the market crash of 2008 and nine. I was in the pit of despair. I then watched the Disney movie, Meet the Robinsons and there was a quote at the end of the movie that Disney said was keep moving forward. And that became kind of my mantra, keep moving forward. In other words, from a positive perspective, not keep moving forward in the backward, but move forward in a positive way. I share this with everyone. So by the time Connor passed away, it didn't destroy me. I had put so much love into myself and into my being of service that believe it or not, Connor passing didn't take me down the rabbit hole of suffering because I chose to grieve with love. So coming back to your question, Laura, what the heck of self love anyway? Patty's book, there are little sound bites in there. I highly recommend checking that out. All right, let's see what else we have. Actually there's a link in, for a good time, there's a link that you can click on and you can- In the book or do you have a website as well? Yeah, pattytierney.com but it's in the book. Okay, folks, Patty Tierney's name is in the head of this. Google her name and you can get some of those audios or they're in the book. Okay, got it, got it, got it. Okay. Oh, here's one. Julie just said, I just made a decision to divorce a sex addict man who tried to break me and gain my life back. Focus on healing for myself. Exactly, Bella writes, Bella writes, LOL, I feel I'm totally good enough for the man that walked into my life, just five years older than him bothers me. 71, he's 71, wait, you're five years older, 71, 76 or 66. You know what? I don't think age matters, you know? It doesn't matter anymore. I think the older you get, it's like, you want someone that is present with you. You want someone that's conscious and mature in the ways that matter. Well, I think a lot of people in the age demographic of, I call it retirement age, you know, when you're 65 and older, one of their fears is becoming what's known as a nurse or a purse. And I recognize that in the at the same time, Maria and I talk about, you know, the days in front of us are short on the days behind us, that might be part of the equation. What's most important, it doesn't matter, throw out all of the stories and what matters most is, can you make a true heart connection with a person? How do you feel with this person? Exactly, more importantly, how you feel with yourself and how you feel with this person. All right, do we have any more questions? T. Davis says, no arguing happens when both parties are emotionally mature and emotionally intelligent. A disagreement doesn't need to be an argument, rather a conversation and a discussion. That is very well said, simple and very well said. Wanda writes question. Question is gift buying bread crumbing. Okay, I don't get that one Wanda. I don't get what you're getting out there, but bread crumbing, if you're not familiar with the terminology is where someone gives you crumbs. No, I get that. Okay, get that. I think from a dating relationship. Oh, okay, okay. So let's see what we have. All of a sudden, my nose is scratchy, which always seems to happen last year. Holly J says, I really like Patty, strong, beautiful lady, thank you for sharing your story. Oh, okay, let's see if Wanda does the question again. Is gift buying love bombing or making efforts because he knows I have a digestive problem and he brought me an air fryer. I like to eat food. So all right, I think what she's saying is there's people in the early stage of dating that do what's called love bombing, which is over the top, whether they're with their words or their actions or their gifts trying to convince someone to like them. I think he's doing this, Wanda, if he's getting you an air fryer because you have digestive problems, that's a really nice thing to do. Yeah, that's all I take it. Marie told me there was a man she dated before we met who came and put up her TV and helped her put the charger for her electric car and all that stuff. So acts of service is really not love bombing. That's the way men, many men show love. If you're not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and, or by Gary Chapman, excuse me, he talks about that and acts of service is where a lot of men show their real care for you. Right, right. I would just be able to try to receive that. Did you hear what Patty just said? Try to receive that. Self-love includes, no, no, but it's a part of self-love is not about giving to others. It's your capacity. Do you want to talk for a second about receiving? You need to receive it because this is from his heart. I mean, you did this with a beautiful intention to help you. And if you can just receive it with that same amount of openness and gratitude and just a big thank you. And it just feels good for him to be received because if we can't receive those gifts, the person that's giving, it's empty. They're just like, oh. Oftentimes, and I think of Christmas, but it's the season of gift giving, but it's not really the receive, there's this expectation associated with it. The real gift I think in relationship is presence. And presence isn't just being there. It's receiving that person fully, but more importantly, when you communicate is active listening. Exactly. So, all right. We got a couple more questions before we wrap up today. Kim writes a question. How do you guys define a toxic relationship? I'm divorced and my boyfriend is a widower of 12 years. We also have a 14-year age difference. So kind of two different things going on here. So how do you define a toxic relationship? Do you have an idea of that? Well, geez. And we can go down so many rabbit holes on that one. Yeah, there's a lot of different forms of toxicity. So my feeling is, and tell me if you agree with this, if something doesn't feel right, that is what's just say, imbalanced. I don't think we have to put the word toxic associated with it, but when we mix chemicals that are out of the order, it can create a toxic event. So when something doesn't feel right, I think it could lead to, if it isn't addressed, it could lead to a toxic event. Am I making sense? Got it, 100%. Okay, you know where I'm going here. Yeah, for instance, when I was married, my first marriage years ago, my husband at that time would yell from across the house, hey, bitch. And to me, I didn't like that, but I didn't have my voice then. I didn't know how to say, I would really like you to call me sweetheart or honey or darling. Yeah. So I knew that it's because he hadn't left the projects. He grew up in the projects and that was just kind of, his way of saying something, but I didn't like it. So would that be called toxic? I don't know. Well, there's one thing where if we accept something we dislike over and over, we just, we become accepting of it, but in many ways we can accept so much bad behavior that it is toxic to ourselves. It oftentimes creates disease within ourselves. What's most important in coming back to what Patty just said is your voice. Yes. You know, I say this to women all the time. You literally, so many of you are walking around with duct tape over your lips. What I mean to say, your voice is so important. However, if you're going to speak your truth and your truth is simply your truth, just do it in a kind way. Yeah, right. Okay, great. And as far as the age difference or whatnot, I don't know how that relates to it. So thank you so much. All right, let's keep going. CeCe says, I love my air fryer, use it every day. Bella says, Patty, your smile is contagious. I'm glad you survived and thrive. I'm in absolute agreement there. All right, let's keep going here. Andrea says, yes, presence, I agree. Mary says, thank you for sharing the book on conscious uncoupling. I appreciate all your guidance about relationships. Thank you so much. Bella goes on to say, toxic, you feel sick to your stomach all the time in the presence of a toxic person. You know, I think about that. When we have an upset stomach, we need antacid because that acid that's formulated is toxic to us. So in that same venue, that's where you feel sick to your stomach. That's a great example. All right, Matilda, Mel, I don't know how to pronounce names. I'm terrible. I question, the older I get, the more difficult it is to date men my age. I'm 51. I met them, but they just don't seem interested. I get approached by a lot by younger men. So while there isn't a question there, folks, Patty met John at age 59. You're 51, you know? I mean, I wish I could go back to 51 and meet Marie. I wish I could go back two years, five years, 10 years. You know, the reality is it doesn't matter your age. When I say it doesn't matter, yes, we age discriminate. There's no doubt men discriminate on age, women discriminate on age. When you're walking from a place of self-love, age doesn't matter. No, it really doesn't. It depends on the person. You can have a 60-year-old that acts like a 10-year-old. Yeah, exactly. Or the other way around. It's the person. By the way, speaking of people, guess who just chimed in? Oops, hold on here a second. John Tierney just said, this wife, best friend ever. Thank you, Johnny. John Z. Okay. Amethyst says, I think a lot of younger men want a sugar mama. What does the host think? You know, yes, and that might be true. And my relationship, you know, Marie's right behind me. She's a year older than me. So I didn't go younger. In fact, my previous relationship, she was quite a bit older than me. You know, it is true. A lot of men want younger women. A lot of women want younger men. A lot of men who are young and mature want someone who's also mature for themselves. You know, here's the thing. The stories we tell, this reminds me of Peter, whenever I say the word stories. The stories we tell end up being our lives. So a new story is, it's raining great men. I learned that from someone in our group. I can't remember who said it, but it's raining great men. It's raining great men. It's raining great men. Whatever age they come to me, it's raining great men. And that's my invitation for everyone. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we have anything else. You only need one. I'm just talking about men out there. Yeah. So just try to believe that, you know? You know, I think we as a society have been so deluged. I mean, bombarded. It's negativity. Well, not, yes, negativity, absolutely. But this idea of choice, you know? We can go on our smartphones and we can swipe and there'll be someone that shows up or we go trying to buy a TV. Like if you ever went to go buy a TV, it's like there's 500 choices. How do you make a choice? Or if a relationship isn't working, there's this belief that there's someone else around the corner. When in reality, you know, the true choice, and let's put a bow on everything, the true choice in life is, I believe, loving yourself, self-respect, because the right people will come into your life like a John and Patty met each other, like Marie and I met each other and our community of friends. And by the way, the wedding we're going to are two people in over 60 years old and they met, I believe on match.com. They did. They met on match.com. In fact, a big chunk of our community of friends, you know, John and Cherine met on OKCupid, Dave and Sherry met on match.com. I mean, if I had the list within our community of how many met through a dating app, it's a lot of people. And all just in the last 10 years, even Cheryl and Doug met through a dating site. So I just want, yeah, so I want everyone to know that when we love on ourselves, that's this topic has nothing to do with whether or not men respect you like the title was. It's when you respect yourself. That's where all the joy happens. Yeah. So anyway, Holly says it's raining great men. I've been saying that to myself way to go. Folks, we're going to come to a conclusion today. I want to reach over and say thank you to my dear friends for being on your book. Again, I just want to remind everyone, her book is for a good time. Patty Tierney, for a good time. Call Patty. Call Patty. There's a copy of book below in the description. I highly recommend getting it. It's also in Audible. And it's on Audible. And then you can go to our website, pattytierney.com and get it there as well. So folks, I'm going to wrap up this video. As I always do, you're not familiar with this. I'm going to give you a big gigantic drop in pair. And can I get one back? Yeah. Oh, thank you, sweetheart. And I want to thank everyone for being on. I want to thank Bella, and Tina, and Holly, and Adie, and Matilda, and my cup, and Amethyst, and John Tierney, Susie Q, Tiny Project, Mary, Nancy, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me today. I wish you a super-duper, wonderful, fantastic day. Be well. Thanks, bye-bye. Bye, everybody. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.