 Hey, what's good? Welcome back to Don't Flop Leads. We are one week away from the 7th birthday of Don't Flop. We had to come back to Leads as our birthdays in London. Leads City, are we still fucking active? Make some noise! We have to peace soldiers, shout out to all my Leads crew in the building. We had to bring it back to Leads, they're always supporting. We are at the acapella rap battle, main event of this Leads event. We didn't even give it a name, we're just coming and reviving the Leads team. We're gonna be back in 2016, it's gonna be fucking crazy. MC on my right hand side, straight into the battle. My man Matt, I made some fucking noise. Absolute killer on my left hand side, Harry Baker, make some noise! Are we not all... All right, cool, final acapella battle of this revival, number 3 event in Leads. Shout out to everybody in Leads show and love. It's all my man Matt, round number 1, let's go. I will. Skivity Bob. Skivity Bob, Bob, Bob. How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change a light bulb, and three to make it seem a lot more complicated than it actually is. Skivity Bob, Bob, Bob. You know what rhymes with Harry Baker? Massive Faker. What? Massive Faker? All right, Harry Baker is a massive faker. Spars. You have a swag that says I did my dissertation on battle rap. You're a fucking poet. But you can hear that. That's exactly what I'm mad at. See, I know in these rap battles, the art of raping's on its closing scene. I've seen the scene cut from its roots and tried to branch out with the poetry. Well, fuck that. I don't care how many Radio 4 co-signs Harry's riding. I don't care how much hype you've got for poems about manly crying. See, Matt is writing, represents humanity's last horizon. The way I'm consuming tiny humans, you can't attack the titan. And if you're the last surviving, I've got to paralyze him. First probe punches and I'm not talking about battle rhyming. Yo, you'd have a better chance of asking Trident for a gank consignment. Agonising. Yo, agonising torture won't make the news. I brought the gag for silence. See, this battleship ain't getting him any higher. And position is important when defending enemy fire. Get out of place. There'll be many medics required. I harass the poet. That's Benjamin Zephaniah. Jesus. Jesus. Yo, let me kill him quick. Boy, I'm too ill to quit. Yo, I first stole my hood pass. But yo, P, am I still legit? Yo, 100%. Alright, let me kick this shit. Yo, I'll catch Harry walking home from a non-gender-specific poetry reading on a dark night. Run upon him and split his... Live, win or play. Live, win or play. Yo, run upon him and split his opinions like Marmite. Leave him separated like citizens in apartheid. I call my gun Sally. Cos when Harry met Sally, we saw sparks fly. I'll pull up and get the long nose out of the back homey. That's archaic. You ain't even met the evil shit. It's out of the dark ages. Got reinforcements creeping forward in their cars waiting. Soon you'll see more beams than an Amish family barn raising. You can't blend into the background. Try running. I'll give you backgrounds. Miss first time I'm swinging background. Paying pictures with a pipe like Gandalf. Boy, I bet in school your best friends were the teachers. I'm cold-blooded. Definitely. I'm cold-blooded. Must be why I'm always next to the heater. Remember when... Remember when Osh told you he had the Colombian round hair like Carlos Valdorama? Yeah, big bar. And you were thinking, could it get any deeper? But he answers yes. Cos my Colombian got a crazy kick like the legendary keeper Renny Higuita. People had him catching the dub. I'm like, what a joke, me? I'll butcher bacon just to rock the boat. Stop acting like such a massive gangster. You ain't fooling anyone. Only Harry that runs with animals is Henderson. Two bar combos even battered in days that'll push Harry around like shacking the paint. Boy, you know that one, don't you? Yo, you strike me as the snitch on the guy growing weed next door tight. You used your real name to battle. That's how I know that you're the fall guy. See, we all use aliases cos we're on the run from the law, right? Yeah? Boy, for standing by your government, you getting stuck with some war crimes. Slogan. First off, I need to address Jay Dillon calling me out. If you don't believe it, I heard it straight from the horse's mouth. See, I figured it's a birthday, right? Week away. So I get started with some party shit. Got a gift for the big man on that plaster parcel tip, tied it in a bow and covered it in shiny stars and shit. So if we're talking wrapping presents, you don't know the half of it. And you said that my poetry readings are non-gender persistent, there. You said my poetry readings are non-gender specific. That's not true, cos I get plenty of bitches. I'd just like to apologise to the poetry community for my use of the word bitch. I'm a monstrosity. Ain't pushin' mixtapes, I am shottin' anthologies. And even Andrew Weber hasn't ever seen a castle clever, no one rappin' better, I'm the magical Mr. Mostofferly. In Judge Battles, I'd get 5 O's like proto-zoology. Honestly, your head looks like a golf ball on its teeth. Honestly, when did Abe get lost on his odyssey? Do you look like a default character on the Wii? On the Wii, the wanted to be on Wii, but was succumbed to on Wii and he realised his whole life that he'd be playing tennis on repeat. Unevolved glue means his head retains that odish gleam. Cos blood, you look like a turtle. A turtle? An owl, I mean a turtle. I mean I saw it see you as tortoisey, turtley, you're some combination of the two, I'm not turtley short. But that does explain his horrible tone. And why he'll never mark the set. My man is literally flowing with a permanent turtle head. And you can't beat poets just by rocking a turtle neck. See, I heard you and Luna met on the internet. On the forum exchanging neck tips. He invited you back to his to chill and watch Netflix. Nectar. Nexpert. This is where the trend hits compared to Luna your neck, shit. I still know you got boys in Bradford, right? Place the news would have to terrapin'd. Slow it down as a matter of his boys are terrapins. But I respect that turtle life, man. I'm about it as well. My last few battles I've been slowly coming out of my shell. And I've got great things ahead of me. Gone overseas to rep the league. It's Destiny, I won a Bagnell's favourite man on 23. You look like how I felt when I was 17. And ever since it's got confirmed, and I've seen geeky motherfuckers, I've thought he could be a brother, he could be a brother, he could be a brother, she could be a mother. And if you want something to do this next round when you get bored with his lyrics, Google Robin Hood Toby Turtle and tell me your aintless bitten image. Yo, it's round two. About to give this clown hell. He called me a turtle. Generic gunline about shells. Spoken word. No punchline. Already heads are dropping from boredom. Well not me. I think spoken word is proper important. I use spoken word to order a coffee this morning. Shit. Now you're the type of guy that rates biggie, but got a couple problems with him. He's like I think they'd like him more if he turned down all that pop the biscuit if he was a teeny little bit less misogynistic. Pussy. Your fan base is Christian youth workers. They're blunt like that, that's your bar, I stole it and got a laugh. There's not a con like that. I heard you joined Lightwork. No? Well still, that is heavy dawn, because that is shaping up to be one deadly squad. You've got Harry, Danny Jack, Heretic, some other guys repping strong. When they meet up they don't drink chardonnay but they've always got the Semi on. But if I get work off like working this light I'm letting the Semi off. Your whole team get a hole in the face like Fetty Wop, because me, I'm big round hair like Reggie Watts. That doesn't work in a Leeds accent but I still said it. What? You've got a face like a 70s vagina. That's an angry beaver. Two, two, put him on his toes, that's a ballerina. Balled up with a pipe like a zappatista. If I can find space to trap I'm flipping like cabin fever. Boy you've got teeth like a rodent. So you better tremble before the mighty owl. Before I grip the arm with the glove on. Kinda like an owl. Swooping through the skies on the nightly prowl. See food and let my talent show without Simon Cowell. It's like what has this man started? Having run out of the room like his nan farted. Boy, see these are Robby's memories. These are Robby's memories of leaving with a blank cartridge and fuck his balance up like bank charges. See my two front teeth, here, respect each other's space. Yours look like they're trying to start a turf war. How about I knock them out your fucking mouth and shut them off as surfboards. Your teeth pointing more directions than a sat nav. And I commiserate. Well, lucky for you, I brought the gas and drill today. Ninja blade, send this head and body in different ways. Body left in a tub of acid to dissin, a great head left in sync to get bigger like Timberlake. Yo, multi-syllabic rhyme patterns. That's the flavour. Well, if that's the case, then Harry Baker or Speedway passed him like it's Talladega. Twin Latin forties get to dancing like the Macarena. Leave him a ghost writer like Frankie Fraser. See each line handcrafted by a master tailor. Nah, I put a bomb on each bar like I'm tanking Yeager. Yo. Yo, 40 years from now, I'll finally be recognised for my vast intellect. They'll say I'm one of the illest ever to do it. People queuing up to give respect. They'll say that while these little plebs were referencing all the shit, they've read a bullshit. They dragged out the darkest corners of the internet. I was referencing shit so advanced it hadn't been written yet. And you'll be but a footnote in my illustrious rise to be a king of men. And they'll build a statue in my honour like Bill and Ted. I'm only joking, I'm thick as fuck really. Alright, let's go and make some noise, let's go. I said I had a face like a 70s vagina. That was so dumb. You have a face like a 70s vagina. You're an old cunt. Let's go Harry. See it's Harry Baker versus Matta. Lion's haircut, that's the main event. They said go in and get Matta in his home town. I hope that you ain't placing bets. I said I came here to do two things. Win a rap battle and pay my rent. And I've already, when I just moved back with my parents we've not had that conversation yet. See last year I battled ocean leads. Didn't go how I'd hoped in leads. So I told myself I'd make a list of do's and don'ts in leads. Do-do jokes in leads. I've seen this do-do, do-do jokes in leads. You said even my mum jokes are something for reclusive tutors to study. Proceeded to rhyme that with I heard your mum turn blue and pooed in a onesie. It's poetry mum. Imagine it. He really captured the zeitgeist of the time by using the onesie. And we think Mark also happened to say poo because it's funny. Well I heard you cry every time you take a shit. I heard that from a mate at the hostel. So you can look me in the eyes and say that it's not true but the way Matta Mark looks on the John at Take It As Gospel. Don't get carried away in the third with whirply and get a little too sciency at the end. Going up against somebody called Matta there's no way I'm doing that again. Do-do flows in leads. I've seen this do-do, do-do flows in leads. Why? When you start rapping do you go like this? You just end up sounding like a total prick. The guy you were trying to be. Who lives in a pineapple under the tree. From SpongeBob that's how I know this square. Pants. Of course he try and make SpongeBob work for him when this turd looks like Squidward. SpongeBob bars. I just didn't know that you were taking this far. You've been a sponge your whole career by being mates with a star. Do-do flows in leads. But if you really want to be lacked in leads get hyped in leads. It seems like you have to do grime in leads. So now I'm in leads. Don't do it. It's got a tense, hasn't it? What? I said it's time to flow grime shit. Now I don't condone violence or necessarily cosign this but I thought it would be funny to ask Pedro to ghost write this. So. Silence. No one will come by holding the crowbar. Go for the blunt knife, go for the bow gun. My man will get jumped like I drove in a gold cart. Might get punched till I've broken my own arms. Using the knife stick it right in your armpit. Moving your wife put her right in a basket. Fucking losing your life when I'm lighting the carpet. You've got to lose your life on the side of your glasses. What? Pedro channels. And I've got more Pedro written than the Pedro battle. I'd like to apologise to the grime scene as well as the part. Time. Alright. Your poetry is shit. And let me tell you why. Pay close attention and try to absorb every line. See all the best poets in history, alcoholics and drug addicts. And I don't think it either. You'd have the same reaction to a single sheet or as a hand kid has been dipped in ether. You, you haven't got the commitment for addiction. You're a little wiener when my shit works on many levels like a window cleaner. Listen. Let's go. You ain't hard on Dalkey like Charles Bacowski. The only time you're splitting that white is eating half a bounty. How the fuck, how the fuck am I supposed to listen to these shit concoctions by some skinny toft that's never even had a drinking problem? See, I saw the best... Had a drinking problem. Yo, I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed. Staring at empty bottles facing the void. The best minds in your circle got generous funding, centre discussions and seminars, company credit card hell of a budget. You never faced no pressure for nothing. Daddy kept the kid loaded. How's that old saying go? Come on, all you pricks know it. Pressure creates diamonds and lack of pressure creates shit poets. See poetry is supposed to feel like you almost died with your life flashing before your eyes, but yours is like a morning drive in the countryside under urban skies. Poetry is supposed to provoke thought, even ignite a movement, but you seem to be content with fucking mild amusement. You write poems for couples that give each other pedicures or guys that use a beard as a substitute for a set of bowls. So fuck your metaphors. You never met a force that made you redirect your course. You just make up numbers on set. That's what we need these extras for. See, Earl looks at you and sees that pseudo-intellectual money, that guardian money, that Edinburgh festival money. And it was you thinking you was the bestest of buddies. Sad fact, your boy Rowan's just following the pound sign like a hashtag. Yo, in this ring here, the gods reside. Tales of war to be heard through the ages, but what you posh poets bring into the table. You are even reserved any spaces. It's time to pop up shop, shop, shop on a permanent basis. Yo, and before I head to the bar to neck a couple shots, I've got some shit to say and I don't care if I get judged on that. I realise this might not be the best platform to push this on, but fuck it. Jeremy Corbyn is a fucking don. They're like... And they're all like, what's with the left-wing shit? Matt is stuck in a head-trip. He's flogging a dead horse. Better than fucking a dead pig. Yo! A good part about pressure. I need to see my life flash before my eyes. I had the balls to come here in Leeds and try performing grime. I'll give you that one. I said it's owl joke time! Veronica, you need a head wig when you look like Harry Potter and his owl combines. You have irritable owl syndrome. The love child of the bird man in Al Capone. See, I was going to leave this owl alone, but this is where it gets big for you. I hear he likes to chat out birds on Twitter. Matta likes to tweet to Wu. It's a country house with scenic views, occupies the cleanest roofs, offers them a place to stay if they wanted to sleep with you. If only they could see the truth. You ain't got barns like that. All that looks like a turtle, bruv. Your barns type whack. And women are not mice. There's something that you can't quite catch. Because you don't get no Tinder matches. Y'all just don't think he is attractive. Bio says he's sick of rapping because he thinks that this has traction now. It's a little tragic if you see this kid in action. His idea of witty banter. I'll just call them bitches faggots. Has to beg to dip their stands and says that he'll pay if he has to. Notice that there is a pattern. Realize on that pity factor. Now it's got me thinking back to solid gas, liquid plasma. If he wanna force dates, that's just how it is with Matta. See, unlike your previous opponents, I actually like science. You tell girls I'm called Matta and it's actually like science. So if I say you're Dark Matta, that's a bit of a pre-tention. More like the centre of a black hole, you are infinitely dense. I think we all know Matta consists of particles. So if his phone rings and he claims that the particles, we know that his evening consists of particles. Because you called your album Greasy Spoon Rendezvous. That sounds like a cuddle after he's just used lots of lube. But let's talk about your music. I mean it ain't exactly passionate. I knew I'd get bored hearing that you sounded like you got bored rapping it. Maybe it's the creativity that lacks in it. Maybe it's that you can't differentiate the tracks in it. But if there's any scrutiny to which we subject Matta, you release very quickly. There's no subject matter in battles. You're a glorified mongrel rapper on tracks. And oh, look at me, a puff smoke swagger. But you are funny in your doubles matches. You're great when you're one of two rappers. I just think this work, he needs a hand solo. That's too back up. And I had a whole set. And you had the audacity to mock youth for his attempts at changing the system. So they ain't stupid enough to believe that music will make any difference. Mate, you're an idiot. And a whole bit about this, but you did the Jeremy Corbyn thing. So let's just kill it. Oh, sorry, Mum. It's fine. No, you were a good human. So undermine my bits and you weren't a good human. I'm trying. I'm just going to have to throw the towel.