 I debated doing a worse versus worse episode because I could easily tear these movies new assholes, but no, I took the high road. Instead, we here at Movie Feud have developed a new technology called the Rose Colored Glasses. When you see the Rose Colored Glasses icon and you're a fan of the series, that's your cue to put these bad boys on, imaginary of course. That will enable you to take everything I'm saying 100% sincere when in fact I'm being 100% condescending. Let's begin with Twilight vs. Fifty Shades of Grey on Movie Feuds. It's refreshing in both of these films to see such unlikeable leads. Equally as impressive, they have zero chemistry together. Typically in these kind of dramatic romance films, you see two lovers that are deeply there, the actors portray them well. Not in these guys. No, no, no. They go the opposite route and I applaud it. Kristen Stewart spends most of her time in front of the camera still learning how to breathe with her mouth closed. It's a task she never does quite master, but luckily her unlikable friend Edward's there to help her. Now Edward has the run of the mill vampire traits. He's mysterious and attractive, but fuck that. That's not what I'm into. What I'm into is that when he hits the sun, he sparkles like a gay guy at Marty Growl who just got hit with a glitter bomb. That's what I'm into. Who cares that it goes against one of the primary core concepts of a vampire? It's pretty. Fifty Shades started out as a fanfic written by someone who is somehow worse at writing than the Twilight author. It matters, Ney, because the tone of the picture is nailed to a T. I am mesmerized by how Jamie Dorman takes up his shirt over the shoulder through the woods to Grandma's house we go, shows the abs in their completion. It's amazing. Edward may be a sexy hot vampire, but Dakota Johnson is anesthesia is no slouch in the biting department. She bites those luscious puppies probably 20 times in the film. Her lips must look like Lindsay Lohan's badge, meaning aggressively punished to the point of mutilation. And that's hot. I think Twilight really shines in this department, like vampires at the beach. The writing is impeccably good. The pacing is fantastic. It brings me great joy to watch two dull pasty white kids drone out about virtually nothing. Only one pasty white kid on this show, so imagine how much better it could be if there was two. There was at one point. The blue color palette really drives home that depressing vibe our leads exude. Bella is just a small town girl living in a lonely world. And she wants to take the midnight train headed anywhere. Instead, though, she settles on a guy who's been perving out on 16 year old high school girls for the better half of a millennia. I applaud him for that. She obby falls in love with him and is smoldering good looks. But what really tickles my balls is the way he falls so madly in love with her against all odds, going against his family's wishes, throwing caution to the wind. He's going against the wind, Bob Seeger style. The song, look him up. Christian Gray has it all. The money, the power, the fame, the glory whole somewhere in his house, I'm sure, but it's not enough. He needs to go to that dark place where he can really let go. A chamber of secrets, Harry Potter style, a room of unbridled passion he can take women to and he has many a time. This new girl, Anastasia Steele, challenges him in a way no other has by asking questions. How dare a woman question a man who's hot and has a room full of whips and chains and money, but does Anastasia have enough determination to tame this wild stallion and steal his cold gray heart? Gray, yeah, that's his name. The movie ends with no resolve because this has to be another trilogy. Movies have become TV shows with bigger budgets. We got the beginning, but now we have to wait for the middle and the end. She won't discover that it's him till chapter three. I'm singing a lot on this. It's not good, but I'm doing it. Action can take on multiple meanings in this round, right? Is it the sex? Twilight has plenty of physical violence, and I love it because it looks like it came straight out of the 90s. Who wants big budget effects when you cannot have big budget effects? Think about it that way for once, you selfish ass. The makeup is brilliant as well. Getting the vampires to look more soulless than Kristen Stewart is quite the achievement. Action takes place in the bedroom in 50 Shades of Grey. Strap in, ladies, or strap on because you're going to see some real raunchy stuff here. I'm talking butt slaps. I'm talking fast penitrace. There's even a scene where she's tied up. Suddenly the hours I've logged, watching midgets bang her Maffordites on horseback seem meaningless. Grey also lets us ride along on not one but two plane sequences. They're both high flying adventures that not even I would trade for the smallest horse-banging midget. Back in the good old days of Twilight One, Paramore was about as emo as it gets until they later sold their soul for pop. So naturally, Haley Williams cuts a couple songs for the film. It's tough to top my girl's Ellie Golding, Skylar Grey and Beyonce, though. Do you think Skylar Grey was asked to cut a song because of her last name? I do. Please remove your glasses now. Listen, it's no pop secret that I don't like these movies. OK, they pander to an impressionable audience. They have hammy delivery, uninteresting storylines, and frankly, the leads are just miserable. So while I make fun of them to no end, I'm far from perfect myself. As I watch Transporter 2 and giggle like a dumbass, the difference being I can spot a dumb film and acknowledge it is of such pedigree. People that legitimately like Twilight and Fifty Shades believe it's a well-written book and film. And that's where things just get retarded. The voting is up, so go ahead and vote for your winner between these shitacular experiences. I want to thank one of my patrons, Bobby, for the episode idea. And you also can get your show idea featured by heading on over to patreon.com slash feud nation and throw me a couple of dollars supporting me there. More than just reviews, this is Movie Feuds. Ellie loved me like you do, which means play me out and then have sex with me.