 Narcissist chooses you because of what you can give him. Narcissists are looking for sex, supply, sadistic and narcissistic, safety, object constancy, your constant presence, even addiction I would say, to the narcissist. So safety and services. If you give the narcissist two of these four, sex and services, services and safety, any two, you qualify. You could be tall or short, dark or blonde. You could even be a psychopath. You can even be another narcissist. It's meaningless. They don't care who you are. They care you're a service provider. Like I don't care who owns my internet service provider. I just wanted an internet flowing through my computer. So it's a highly performative and or performance oriented, goal-oriented approach. But the victims feel so commoditized. They feel so marginalized. They feel that they've been so interchangeable and dispensable that they react with a narcissistic defense. They say, it's not true. I was very special to him. I was empathic. I was nice. I was kind. I loved him. I saw through. I saw his inner child. They try to make sense of what has happened to them and what has happened to them is simply they happen to be there. Period. And they happen to be givers rather than takers. So maybe that's the only qualification. You have to be a giver or a people pleaser. Let's talk about combating the narcissist. Now, I don't know if you have seen this, but I've noticed a lot of stuff online. How to manipulate the narcissist, how to fight the narcissist. And I'm wondering about, okay, well, is this a good idea, folks? I mean, what are we doing here? How to attack the narcissist? How to defeat the narcissist? How to torture. How to torture. I saw something that. Okay, what's your perspective? Nonstatists are very gullible and extremely prone to manipulate. I mean, to being manipulative. They're very manipulable. Yeah. They don't have actual defenses against manipulation and wars. Because they consider themselves to be so superior, so Godlike, so perfect. So no one can pull the wool over a narcissist's eyes, because no one is intellectually superior to the narcissist. The narcissist is world savvy, is worldly, is experienced, is super knowledgeable. So the grandiosity of the narcissist is a cognitive distortion. Cognitive distortion in clinical terms means that you misperceive reality, simply. When someone misperceives reality, it's an easy target, an easy victim and an easy mark for con artists. And so narcissists very often fall for swindlers and con artists, and they're easy marks. Well, they would fall for flattery and, for example, for example, yeah, love bombing. Flattery, get rich quick schemes. Yeah, they're easy marks. So actually, most of these videos are correct. I've watched, of course, my share. They're pretty accurate. It's true that you can do this to the narcissist. If you take into account that the mental age, emotional age of a narcissist is probably anywhere between two and four years old. I'm not sure it's such a major accomplishment to con the narcissist or manipulate your nose. I would be ashamed of doing this. You're manipulating or conning or abusing a child in effect. No, it's a very bad child. It's a nefarious child. It's a horrible child, very silly child. You're taking advantage of this child's naivety, naivete, this child's gallability, this child's lack of experience with emotions. Narcissists can be very experienced in business and politics and what have you. But when it comes to emotional processing, and so on and so forth, they're children. So yeah, sure, you can manipulate a child to do your bidding or punish the child. And if you're proud of it, good for you. Yeah. Well, first of all, you have to identify someone as the narcissist. Once you've done that, then flattery, love bombing, that type of thing. But what would that give you? What would you achieve by doing that? I mean, promotion, perhaps in a you can do you can make the narcissist do anything you want. There are two vectors of attack. If I boil all these two million videos, there are two, two vectors of attack. One is grandiosity. And the other is paranoid ideation, paranoia. So you can use these two vectors to manipulate the narcissist to make the narcissist do. And I mean literally anything you want. Literally anything you want. So if you cater to the narcissist grandiosity, flattery is one example, but it doesn't have to be flattery. For example, you can pretend to be helpless. And by pretending to be helpless, you aggrandize the narcissist. You are my only hope. Only you can save me. Only you have the solution. You're amazing. I don't trust anyone else. It's a way to cater to the narcissist grandiosity, which does not involve flattery in effect. That's a co dependence do this. Co dependence often use this form of emotional black man. You know, I will die without you. If you let me I will die. This kind of thing. So this is a vector of attack via grandiosity. And another vector is paranoia to create an ambience or an environment that would trigger the narcissist paranoid ideation fear and would cause the narcissist to behave in ways which would be self defeating or self destructive either. If you want to punish the narcissist, for example, these are the two vectors and a combination of these two is even even more like a combination of these two is known as paranoid paranoia or paranoid personality disorder. It's when your grandiosity combines with your paranoia. And you say to yourself, I'm such an important person. I know so many secrets. I'm so unique. My skills are unparalleled. So this means that people are conspiring against me. This means that I'm at the focus in the center of my line attention. And so the paranoia feeds the grandiosity and the grandiosity feeds the paranoia and you can construct a perfect scenario, which would push the narcissist to behave in ways which are which conform to your goal or your and con artists do this and you know, but in intimate relationships, it's important to understand that narcissism is infectious. Literally infectious. It's you get infected by a process called and training when the narcissist verbally abuses you or verbally repeats the same message over and over again and ultimately ultimately synchronizes your mind with his mind and that is not a metaphor. The brain wave synchronize. It's been discovered recently in in neuroscientific studies. So he synchronizes your brain with his brain via training. It creates a fantasy which is irresistible because it might cater to some of your needs or some of your fears and so on. So he takes over a hijack so might it takes over your mind and your only defense at some point is to out narcissize the narcissist. To simply become a bigger narcissist or even a psychopath. So we say in clinical terms that exposure to narcissists, pathological narcissism triggers narcissistic defenses and because narcissists traumatize a form of trauma known as complex trauma, trauma that is kind of regular and low key but ambient all the time there. So because narcissists do this all the time you begin to develop a post-traumatic condition and as we know by now post-traumatic condition complex post-traumatic conditions are indistinguishable from personality disorder. That's why someone like Judith Herman. Judith Herman is the mother of the field of complex trauma. She coined the phrase CPTSD. Judith Herman advocates to merge complex trauma with at least borderline personality disorder. She says you need to eliminate borderline personality disorder because it's a form of complex trauma and so the narcissist traumatizes you gradually you become borderline your emotions become dysregulated you you're doing crazy things you act out I mean you go bananas. After that you become narcissistic you push back. Narciss tries to humiliate you you humiliate back there's competition you're you're more intelligent than the narcissist. Narciss is more intelligent so there's a kind of you know you become more narcissistic going on yeah and finally you become psychopathic you become defined you become no reckless you become you engage in dangerous behaviors you lose sight of of laws and regulations and rules and inhibitions so the narcissist pushes you from borderline to narcissist to psychopath and after the narcissist exits your life you remain stuck with this for a while luckily it's a transitory phase but for a while you are indistinguishable from from a narcissist or a psychopath or borderline so that's why I say that narcissism is contagious. When you're thinking about healing from the trauma and you mentioned that you used the word trauma there what steps would you recommend to start that process are you talking and immediately booking an appointment with a therapist what kind of self-work can you do? Yeah I strongly advocate to do some self-work before you attend therapy and the reason is simple through the process of entraining and other processes the narcissist embeds in your mind installs in your mind and up puts places in your mind a voice his voice his introvert he injects himself into your mind and from that moment on he speaks to you through your mind not only that the narcissist forms coalitions with other voices with the same message so for example if you had a bad mother a mother who kept telling you that you're worthless and you are stupid and you're this the narcissist her voice inside your head would create a coalition with the narcissist voice and they would magnify each other and attack you from inside so this voice is with you even after the narcissist has exited your life if you were to attend therapy immediately this voice would co-opt the therapy it would take over the therapy and actually you the therapist would end up interacting with the narcissist in your mind not with you so there are a few steps you need to take they're all on my website there's a on my website on my sorry on my youtube channel there's a playlist titled narcissistic abuse healing and recovery where I detail all the steps and so on but in a nutshell you need to get rid of this voice and then you need to separate from the narcissist and become yourself again why is that because within the shared fantasy you strike a bargain a covert a covert contract with the narcissist he becomes your mother you become his mother in order for the narcissist to become your mother he regresses you he infantilizes you he pushes you to become an infant back to the womb so when the narcissist is gone you need to grow up again you need to grow up and separate the way a child separates from his mother and then you need to individual you need to go through these phases by yourself and only then you should attend therapy yes it's a crucial point do not attend therapy before you have eradicated the narcissist's voice in your mind and you have separated from the narcissist you're no longer an infant no longer a child no longer dependent hello everyone if you enjoyed that short clip the full extended version should be right back down here and the subscribe button should be over here so don't forget to go ahead and click thank you