 Lately I've been giving thought to the current dating marketplace, and I call it the dating marketplace because it really is a marketplace ever since Smartphones activated the opportunity to connect with people through a swipe Environment and if you think back to before electronics, you know You actually had to meet people in real life for the most part although there was when I was in the 90s There was 1900 numbers and there was the personal ads and such I mean and I used it a couple times Then there was video dating services out there, but prior to that you just had to meet people organically, right? So, you know the the environment to connect was so different in the past than it is today And for many of us who are midlifers, which is after baby making years and before retirement You know we remember a time in real life how it was so different And I look at someone like my son who was only known electronics for meeting people although that's not really true because in high school He met you know, he had a girlfriend and in college you had a girlfriend, but certainly since then as an adult Okay, so the conversation I want to lean into is the topic is dating courting or just hooking up because With the swipe environment We no longer see traditional Courting and or dating we just it's it's become a byproduct of really the opportunity to hook up Because the reality is is that sex today is rather easy to obtain there. I said it sex is easy to obtain I remember when I was growing up you really had to practically beg for it to happen and now it's just handed on a platter Why is that you know, what's wrong with that Jonathan? Why shouldn't women have sexual freedom just like men? I'm not suggesting there isn't any you know I'm not saying that a woman can't do what she wants But the reality is is if a person genuinely wants a fully committed relationship I'm of the belief that that should be more reserved for people who Or sex should be more reserved or commitment should research should be reserved for those people who want a fully committed relationship So there's a saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment Well, the reality is just today a man doesn't have to make much of a commitment whatsoever in the process He doesn't he all he has to simply say is I want a relationship What does that mean? I want a relationship But what does that mean in your mind? It might be where we see each other three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal and professional life and Intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy. That's what it might mean to you a relationship to the guy It might simply mean when I just want to see at my beck and call That's what it might mean. So if you don't understand the context of Words it really makes a difference. So let's unpack these words, you know What is dating? Dating is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone That's my opinion about dating. It's a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone Now it's it that's the purpose of dating now some of you. It's about having a good time. I should just have a good time I should just live in the moment and have a good time Okay, you can do that You can live in the moment have a good time and you can do it again and again and again and after a while After you've had repeated Experiences that go nowhere it can wear on one's emotional well-being You know, the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable And so imagine you've had experience after experience after experience that goes nowhere And that's even electronic experiences that go nowhere Not just the real life experiences the electronic experiences that go nowhere. Can you imagine how this wears on a person? Folks, I've probably have had close to 400 dates after my divorce First dates I should say now. I'm not proud of that. I mean I was on a binge that first year After my marriage the first couple years before I met someone six years after my marriage And I had my most you know I had a significant relationship that lasted six years and it took another five years before I felt met someone I'm really, you know genuinely interested in And I don't share I share this because that's the environment we live in Just because I do this for a living doesn't make me any less immune to you out, you know to what's going on out there for you as well so Understanding the purpose of dating really can help you because I'm here to promote Intentional dating which is what courting used to be courting was intentional. It was I want to marry this person So I'm going to make effort With this person now the problem with previous court, you know courting of the past It was very short-lived because two people wanted to have sex with one another and they oftentimes got engaged or married very quickly But the difference was there was a level of intentionality because there was going to be a significant commitment And by the way, I think that's one of the real problems today is a lack of Commitment to either the process of dating or getting to know someone or the commitment to actually exploring the depth Of long-term partnership with someone because you know in the Pat listen I think when two people are fully committed to want to explore a long-term relationship with partnership That's the best commitment at all and two people are fully committed I know a lot of people who were married one person was committed and the other person wasn't I'm not here to suggest you stay in Something broken just because you've made a commitment. I'm here to say Be committed to the process of getting to know someone have two people committed to the process of getting to know each other have two People intentional in the process of wanting to go the distance. This is really big This is why one of the things when I work with a client I help them vet for those men who are commitment ready who are emotionally mature enough To be in a relationship to my private coaching is all about because it is a mess out there. I get it I was in this mess Thankfully, I've met someone yay And I really feel strong about it because we're both committed to the process We both recited my relationship vowed my dating vows Now that's not a guarantee of any long-term commitment, but at least it's some effort Because the reality today is most people are just hooking up We're not seeing courting. We're not even seeing intentional dating We're seeing mostly hookup because they figure, you know, and I'll just wing it hoping That something might come of this This is why we see people drag out the dating process for so long because the reality is is the hookup is because We are dealing with a rather dysfunctional emotionally dysfunctional society with terrible emotional maturity and weak relationship skills That's right. This is true of men and women like ladies You like to blame on men, but let me just tell you you are just as equally dysfunctional. There are entitled women out there There are the doormat women out there You know, we men are suffering with that too Men complain that women 80% of the women are after only 20% of the men and Men are just, you know, 80% of men don't want commitment So no wonder it's a mess out there. This is why I'm such a big proponent is you do personal development work You read my book. What the heck is self-love anyway? You read the book the Hoffman process. You read John Gottman's work You read Barbara DeAngelis And the list goes on and on. Brene Brown is another great one out there. I highly recommend reading Because the reality is of this if you're not actually aware of The dysfunctionality of human beings and human behavior if you're not aware the Dysfunctionality of the dating process you're going to find yourself in an endless trauma loop or an endless circle going nowhere And then you're going to be discouraged and I'm here to invite love in your life I'm here to invite something more substantial. This is why I invite you all right now to say this prayer with me Dear God universe spirit I invite genuine romantic love in my life where we have amazing chemistry with one another and we have excellent Communication skills with one another and we can resolve conflicts and different disease and the banter between us can go on for hours And hours at a time because we genuinely like each other And we are compatible with one another because we can blend our lives together because our lives are actually in sync that this Can happen we don't have to jump through multiple hoops to make this happen in addition We share the same core values That allow us to be in alignment with one another and lastly we want to develop the roots of The roots of commitment to take this from just meeting for the first time to actually going the distance and God universe spirit I invite that into my life Invite that all for you Because let's face it dating courting hooking up. I mean it's a mess out there So when you can pull back for a moment and see it from the big picture You can then focus on yourself and what's most important for you Rather than getting hung up on the minutiae of what's wrong with men and what's wrong with society and everything else Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know post a comment below I'd like to hear your thoughts as always if you find value in the group Please tell your friends about midlife love mastery send them to my website Jonathan assay.com Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group and I'm gonna sign up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye