 Hi guys and welcome back to this video. So I have been wanting to make this video for a couple weeks now and I've literally sat down and started filming it like three times and Every time I do it just doesn't feel right and I just can't get across to what I'm trying to say and then I was like you know what I see you sit down and Talk about what's going on from an ICU nurse's perspective and kind of get my emotions and feelings out because I know a Lot of people are struggling it during this whole pandemic with COVID-19 So I want to kind of rewind and For background for people who don't know me or are new to this channel I'm an ICU nurse and I'm in Arizona and I've been working in the ICU for like the last four years almost But we're winding back to before COVID even like got to the United States I remember hearing the news and seeing it and kind of thinking like I'm not downplaying it But I guess you could say downplaying it in the sense that like I didn't think that it would become a big deal here in the United States And that was very naive of me and even when it started showing up in the United States I was thinking that it's more just like a flu like influenza and like it's gonna be fine And so I was kind of in denial at first and I think a lot of us healthcare people were and I don't know if That's just kind of like a coping mechanism of like we're I don't want to say invincible, but like we're I don't know like I'm gonna be immune to this. It sounds so silly, but I Was sort of in denial about how like severe this we could get and then it started getting worse and worse and worse here and my work place started to kind of prepare us more for it and It really started to make me very very anxious and I would say almost probably a little bit depressed especially when they started to like Recommend staying home and not seeing anyone and whatnot and I have to admit and This is why it's been so hard for me to share my feelings on this But I've really kind of struggled a lot with this whole thing going on Just my anxiety has been through the roof. I've been very very just anxious and scared and nervous And I've had two like really bad nervous breakdowns of just like Just feeling really scared and I think the thing that makes me the most scared is just being worried about going to work and potentially not having the appropriate PPE and being faced like put in a situation of like Taking care of others and like being a good nurse and co-worker and doing what I love to do and Also like protecting myself so that I can protect my family I have a one and a half year old at home My husband is immunocompromised because of a medication that he's on and it makes me very very nervous to think that I could put Myself in a potentially dangerous situation Which is then risking my like home life and I had to from the beginning just say like, you know what? As much as I love this job and I love being a nurse and I want to be a team player if it gets to a point Where it's so so bad I Don't know if I can put myself in a situation to put my family in harm's way And fortunately it has not gotten to that point where I'm at yet But I do know that there's been many many places in the United States who have had little to no PPE we're reusing PPE for several several days at a time and nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists and other health care healthcare people are Getting sick with this and they're really really really sick and dying from it and It it literally breaks my heart that like as nurses we're literally going into battle and we don't even have like Armor we don't have bullets. We don't have the appropriate equipment yet People are still showing up every single day and they're dying from it and I just want to be real with you guys I want to be honest. I don't want to like contribute to the panic but I want you guys to feel like validated in your like Feelings and emotions if you are struggling like I am with all this I feel like there's such a range of people when it comes to this pandemic There's people that are like, yeah, oh, yeah, whatever like I get it I get it what not or they don't think it's a big deal They think it's a hoax and there's people that are like super super super anxious and depressed and Nervous and just like not able to function in life And I definitely was like a heading more towards that side of the scale And then my husband actually was like listen like this isn't healthy like how you're coping with this and Like you can't be as good of a mom and a wife if like you are Getting so wrapped up in it and I was I was getting wrapped up in the social media And I've got all of like my following people like followers reaching out to asking me questions And I want to be there for you guys. I've got all my family reaching out asking me questions I've got the news on and it's telling me all this stuff I've got like my Instagram and Facebook and everyone's constantly posting about it and sharing information about it And honestly it got to the point where I just like I had to put my phone down for several hours a day And like limit myself to the amount of time that I would actually spend on social media because it was just becoming too overwhelming and I just felt so torn between like How can I be a brave example for my following? But how can I also be transparent that like I'm scared and nervous about this whole thing as well Like I don't want to put on this front of like I'm super brave like I'm not scared of this I'm going into this like we got this guys and then on the other hand be like yeah I've literally just had a nervous breakdown like crying panic attack because I'm Nervous and scared and I'm scared for my family and I'm scared for my co-workers And I'm scared to be put in a bad position to where maybe I won't have the appropriate PPE And I'm having to choose between Saving people's loved ones and like being a nurse and doing what I'm called to do But also protecting my family and I think everyone knows in the end Nothing at work matters if you don't protect your family, so I just want to share that with you all I want to encourage you guys to advocate for yourselves and make sure you're protected and Don't settle for anything less and this is a very scary time for a lot of people. There's so many Unknowns, there's just so much information out there And we just really really have to take care of ourselves and our families I kind of want to jump into talking a little bit about what I'm personally doing as far as like Going to work and coming home and making sure my family safe I've had a ton of people reach out saying that they have kids and they're wondering what I'm doing with Cali my daughter and in what not and We don't really have the option to send her away for weeks and weeks and weeks at a time That would also be very very sad for me as well Like if I just did not see her for weeks and weeks and weeks Especially because I only work two days a week So I have five days a week where I'm at home with her I'm very used to like being with her and she's used to being with me So with that being said that's not really an option I know there's a lot of people doing that and that's great if you can and you feel comfortable with that But I I can't so what I've been doing is I've been going to work and Right now if you have COVID patients They will give you a set of scrubs to change into at work So that way you can you know do your thing at work and then change out of them before you come home They're also opening up a shower at work. That wasn't open the last time I worked So people have the option to shower Before I leave work. I obviously I watch I'm changing my new skirt or my scrubs that I wore originally there Wash my hands really good. I wiped on my phone. I wiped on my stethoscope my badge anything that was like attached to me I'll like done the bottoms of my shoes even though I know I'm like walking out of the hospital anyways Then when I get into the car I make sure I wash my hands like hit sanitizer before I get in the car. I drive home in the garage I'm taking all my clothes off and Leaving my shoes in the garage. They have a separate like spot in the garage And I'll I saw them down I put all my clothes in immediately into the washer and wash them all Way on hot and I go into the shower and Take a good shower. I'm washing my hair. I don't normally wash my hair every day But when I work, I am like for sure washing my hair And I just really good hand hygiene also I've been like spraying down wiping down my bag my car keys anything that like went with me to work I've been wiping down my steering wheel and like the buttons in the car flick the radio and whatnot But like that's kind of it like I can you can only control so much in your life and that's what I was struggling with is just like I Have OCD and I really want to like try and control all these things and then when I can't control things in my life It really really makes me anxious and I think with this whole pandemic You kind of have this sense of like loss of control new routine. I'm very type A I like my routine and schedule and to have that kind of flipped upside down made me very anxious and It's getting better. I feel like I've kind of adjusted to like this new lifestyle so to speak but part of me still like Greaves the our old lifestyle being able to go to the store and like go to the park and all of that And I know it will come back and it'll get better And I'm thankful that both my husband and I have jobs Right now because I know this is affecting so many people in different ways and that some people aren't working I've been laid off and financially now. It's a struggle for them but I've just been rambling on what am I trying to say But yeah, this this whole thing has just kind of like has thrown I think so many people for a loop Oh control. That's all I got control I'm trying to focus on the things that I I can control like being cleanly and Wiping surfaces down in my house that are you know, high-touch surfaces switches handles Doing our laundry frequently washing our towels frequently things that I can control But I'm trying not to be too obsessive over it because that's one of my downfalls And I'm trying not to stress about the things that I can't control so I Think that's it. I think that's all I have to say I don't know I've been trying to like make this video forever and I just didn't know how to like Make it come across. So this is what it's gonna be. This is what it is and I'm just gonna go with it But let me know how you guys are doing in the comments below. I want to hear from you guys about What's it like at your workplace? How are you doing at home? What are you doing differently in your lives right now and just be supportive of one another? I would say that the best thing that's come from this situation is seeing how amazing and strong our communities are at like pitching in and helping out and just like Whenever there's something bad going on. There's always other people helping and making a positive So that's been such a great thing to see but anyways, I'm done rambling. Thank you for watching this video Make sure you give it a thumbs up subscribe to my channel and I'll see you guys on my next one. Bye