 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as they have Jonathan as they comment I'm so excited to be shooting this show live stream for you today our topic never chase a guy do this instead the five ways He'll invest in you now really quickly if you're new to my youtube channel Please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and during the course of this video The content resonates with you I please ask you to hit that like button so more people get it in their queue so they can see it So I really appreciate that. Okay for those who know me know that I like to just jump right into the topic in the beginning I'll repeat it again a little bit later on and then we're gonna go to Q&A So this is a reminder. We'll do content first and then we'll do Q&A So that's the best part in fact. That's where most people stay for so I'm really happy about that So let's talk about chasing So it's interesting to me, you know, there's different perceptions on the idea of chase And I want to differentiate between the idea of putting an effort into a relationship versus chasing someone So let's differentiate the two because let me give you an example If somebody makes effort in the relationship, then the other person should make effort Basically commensurate with the effort that the other person is making so that we call that effort sometimes That's also called investment investment that includes time that includes energy that includes Your financial resources, whatever that is when you make effort It's different than chasing but we oftentimes sometimes women get characterized as Chasing a guy when they're simply making efforts. So when I get asked questions like is it chasing a guy if I ask a guy out? Absolutely not. That's simply making effort. Is it chasing a guy if I'm want, you know If I ask where the relationship is going no, it's not it's simply making effort Chasing looks a little more like this and I think this is where we have to address the difference is that let's say a man that you're in Relationship starts pulling away. Okay, and he's basically giving you the signs. He's gonna break up Chasing looks like trying to convince him that he's wrong Let me repeat that chasing is convincing someone. They're wrong. In fact, I had a woman once I was working with Who the man she was with broke up with her And she went on saying well, can I have a chance to talk to you? I mean we need some closure and during the conversation She was reciting all the reasons why he was wrong for breaking up with her Okay, that's chasing because someone has went another direction They've ended the relationship with you and she's trying to convince him. He's wrong. Okay now We we differentiate and then let me go back to this idea of chase, you know There's this grand expectation that men are supposed to chase women Well as I said earlier, there's a big difference between making effort into a relationship because let me tell you something ladies a man Who puts effort into dating making plans doing things if he's not seeing Corresponding effort from a woman. He's by the way, let me just say this a high quality guy is gonna go the other direction Now low quality guy is the guy who's chasing sex and men often chase sex Even high quality guys are drawn from the sexual component But there there's a big difference because when someone's chasing sex, they're not necessarily Interested in a committed relationship. They're just in it for the conquest I know many of you ladies have heard how men are the hunters and they love the chase and they love the conquest Yes, it's singular to the idea of getting laid. It's not necessarily. I want to be in a relationship I want to be in a relationship now, I Want to differentiate though for a moment men that are in their 20s and their third and by the way I'll get to those five things that a woman could do but a man in his 20s and 30s Oftentimes he's on the hunt for a wife If this if there is a man who genuinely wants to make babies and raise a family and be part of a family Then he'll actually be on the hunt for a wife. So he's more discriminating The challenge with most challenge with those of you are dating in midlife or people that don't know what they want A family is that they're dating from a premise of what I call winging it Okay, this is winging it most people are dating from a premise of winging it because they don't have a clear understanding of the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Let me repeat that the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Most men are rather clueless and frankly most women are clueless. This is why I Continually recommend the book over and over again. I recommend the book Eight dates by dr. John and Julie Gottman eight dates by dr. John and Julie Gottman why I love this book And by the way, there's a link to Jonathan recommends books in the description So just make a note to come back to this check out the links to this book as well as many other books I recommend why this is so important it lays out the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship because the reality is Commitment requires a common cause Commitment requires common cause and without a common cause and the common cause isn't connection and sex Most people date because they're thirsty for connection. They're thirsty for sex But at midlife, it's really difficult because people don't know what the common cause is they're winging it as I said isn't that kind of winging it and This is why a lot of angst and frustration is coming up for you So now I want to share with you what's gonna make a guy invest in the relationship So we're gonna cover five things right now. By the way, if this is resonating with you Please hit that like button. Let me know this is resonating. Let me see that in the counter Hit that like button if this is resonating so far put on my trusty glasses. So number one Ladies instead of focusing on the guy I want you to focus on the relationship Let me repeat that instead of focusing on the guy. I want you to focus on the relationship Now, let me give you in what I really am trying to suggest for you is to get a clear understanding of what a Relationship looks like for you because once when you're dating dating is simply a vetting process to decide if you Want to be in relationship with someone let me add dating is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone a Relationship okay now we'll go from here a relationship is a vetting process to decide if you eventually want to become partnership with someone So rather than focusing on the guy because ladies I see so many of you You're hyper focused on the guy and not whether or not you two are really compatible with one another So if you really want to make a man invest in you then first you have to establish What does a we look like to you? What does a we look like to you? So I'm gonna give you an example from Jonathan Asley's playbook those who know me no I repeat this quite frequently in my world a relationship looks like the following We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends Partnership building skills which includes in our personal life in our pet professional life partnership building skills traveling together Intimacy both emotional physical and sexual intimacy with each other Eventually leading to either moving in together or partnership. Okay, you see how I am crystal clear on that So I know my mission. I know my cause I know why I want to be in relationship and the sad thing is most men as well as most women They're winging it. They're winging it because you've been so indoctrinated that men are the leaders of the Relationship and they're just supposed to claim you and men are supposed to be chivalrous and they're just gonna do all the work And you just sit back just sit back in your feminine Just sit back in your feminine because all you need to do is sit back in your feminine. I'm here to say oh It's not about sitting back because as I'm about to share in our second example It requires something from you as well So if you want to make a bad invest in you first get crystal clear on what you're looking for in a relationship and Establish your standard. That's the foundation is your standard. Is this resonating with you? Please? Let me know by hitting that like button All right, so number two what did I write down? Oh So there's this thing going back to the chivalrous guy and everything there's this notion that men are supposed to prove themselves to you Men are supposed to prove themselves to you and I'm here to say Understand it a relationship is a two-lane street. So it's about making mutual effort It's not about him proving himself to you because you've got to prove yourself to him Remember a relationship is a two-lane street. This is why I highly recommend reading this book It's called if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated because this explores the deep layer I'll keep it up for a little bit more the Buddha dated by the way again All of my books are in the Jonathan recommend books This teaches you how to date from a two-lane street perspective because it's about making effort now Sometimes you make effort and he's making no effort. So let me try this to see okay So you're making effort. You're here and he's here. Well, you don't keep making more effort to pull him in What you do is you make effort and stop and see if he catches up with you I like the way Matthew Hussie calls it. He calls it invest and test. Let me repeat that He says invest and test So you what effort looks like it might be asking him out on the data might be paying for the data might be doing something for him It might be initiating calls. I'm so tired of so many of you calling me up and saying Jonathan I'm in a relationship guy and it's been three days and I haven't heard from him I'm like, did you reach out to him and they go? No, I'm like the phone fucking goes both ways ladies The it's not about about him. It's about you investing as well Now if you've reached out and you haven't heard from him for a few days That's a little bit different story, but I'm saying you can make you got ladies You can call men you can ask men out on dates. It's not this Patriarchal society we live on anymore. This is why I'm a big proponent of a two-lane street relationship Where's my book? Oh, if you haven't read the book Spiritual partnership by Gary Zuko. Oh my god. This is an amazing book to understand the mechanics of a deeper co-creative relationship Did you hear what I just said co-creative relationship? It's because a relationship is built on four pillars four pillars First pillar the easiest one to recognize is chemistry often the hardest to experience and the easiest to recognize is chemistry Okay Number two shared values shared values This is critically important if you want to have a juicy delicious healthy relationship is do you share the same values? Number three, do you have lifestyles that can blend in with one another? This is why when I said earlier Understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship understands that compatibility is can you blend lives together and here's the trickiest one of all Emotional maturity Sadly the majority of the population is emotionally weak They're they're emotional skills in relationship not I'm not saying someone who paces bills on top He or she paces bills on time, you know cleans their car when it's supposed to be done makes their bed You know, those are grown-up things to do I'm talking about emotional maturity and sadly the vast majority of the population has weak Emotional skills in respects to relationship. So here's the thing you can have chemistry In fact, you can even share some of your values your lifestyles might be close to ending in with one another But if someone's a fucking basket case in other words they have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that hasn't been healed it Look at you're just going down a path of insanity because the vast majority of the population Men and women are like have weak emotional skills This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book the Hoffman process the Hoffman process I did this workshop a few years ago It was a deep dive into my childhood wounds and traumas to help me heal or it begin the healing process This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading these books so you can be prepared for a healthy happy relationship Because if you're expecting men to lead guess what these men are winging it. They're winging it Because they don't know what the fuck they're doing. Yes They absolutely know how to charm you and get you in bed Okay, a lot of guys not most just a lot of guys are good at charming and getting you in bed And then here's the other the sad reality is a lot of you ladies Just like a lot of men reject good people to be in relationship with Let me repeat that Here's the thing a lot of people a lot of women you reject the good guys because they don't have enough of an edge But then the ones you do like they're winging it and then you're frustrated So this is why I'm here to propose a deeper way to approach relationships Now let me go back to how to get them to invest in you. Okay, so number one I said focus on the relationship not the guy number two instead of him proving himself Recognize that a relationship is a two-lane street number three this one. I love It's show him your playful and flirty side Let me repeat that show him your playful and flirty side ladies. I'm a single man out in the dating realm It's I mean I say this because this is my experience The vast majority of women lack playfulness and flirty. I just feel nothing but walls from so many of you It's either there's two types of women There's either the entitled woman who expects me to climb to the tallest room in the highest tower By the way, I dump those women women who have expectations like that I'm done Then there's the ones that have walls up because they've been burned. They've been hurt many of you I suspect have been burned and hurt and I can understand how frustrating that is but here's the thing ladies if you're not open and receptive to love and And to allow your flirty playful side to come out Then what's the point for us men to want to chase you? It is through playfulness. It's flirtiness adventure Stimulation variety all those things are the reason part of the reasons why we want to be in relationship But if you're walled up or you're entitled oops, I don't want to show my armpits because they're already by the way, I have a Lighting here so I get kind of hot But if you're walled up I gotta tell you my greatest frustration as a single man is women lack Playfulness and flirtiness and why would I want to I don't by the way? I don't chase I invest But I don't invest in someone who's not flirty and playful with me because that's how I show up And that's my invitation for all of you to begin to learn if you need help on that Do a YouTube search on how to flirt my god. There's a thousand videos. There's 10,000 videos on how to flirt Okay, number four, and this is hugely important is a level of what I call independence and self-love independence and self-love Sadly here in the United States, and this is probably true around the world Here in the United States people are suckling on the father than the nipple of I need you To love me so I can feel good about myself Ladies I watch so many of you give your power away to a man In other words, it's all about whether or not he likes you and let me just say what matters most is whether you like you This is why I wrote a book called what the heck is self-love anyway. Look at that There's me in the back cover by the way Ladies what the heck is self-love anyway, you know, it's interesting I got it. There's a book club that's my the book of the month is my book So I got a chance to do a zoom call with a group of women the other day and they're doing deep dive in my book The reason why I'm recommending this book Is because without a sense of self-worth self-confidence self-esteem Self-reliance self-love There's nothing attractive about you because if you give our power if you give your power away to a guy We'll take it for a while. That's I mean because you're giving it to us But we're not going to invest in you. We we have to differentiate between the early stages of dating and getting past The three month mark. Yes lots of men will make huge investment in the early stages We call that hunting and we call that chasing Yeah All right. What are they chasing and hunting? Okay, but if you want to get past that Let me just tell you something if your whole happiness is predicated on whether he likes you Then you don't have a sovereign soul in yourself And sovereignty is very sexy to a man a woman who so here's why a lot of guys pull away Is because we feel your emotional neediness and we don't want to be responsible for your emotional needs This is why we pull away lots of times. Now the other reason is why we pull away. There's chaos going on in our life There's uncertainty going on our life. There's trauma and drama going on our life That's the predominant reason why we pull away, but we can pull away energetically From communicating because we don't want to be responsible for your feelings. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know by hitting that like button And our fifth and final thing to help a man to help you Get a man to invest in you Is vulnerability? That's right for all the bill of vulnerability ladies again Going back to the independence and sovereignty A woman who genuinely loves herself is unafraid to speak her truth By the way chapter one of my book speak your truth do it with kindness Your truth is your feelings and I want you to begin to lean into your feelings because later in my book There's a chapter called if it's sincere and from the heart you can never say the wrong thing to the right person Let me repeat that if it's sincere and from the heart you can never say the wrong thing to the right person Now Why vulnerability is so important and it takes true courage to be uh, no There's the armpit stains. It takes true courage to be vulnerable. Here's the benefit Men learn when you lead by example. I have a friend who was in a relationship with a woman And she was very open in expressing her feelings Now he's not the most expressive of guys per se. I mean, he's very much acts of service physical touch and quality time is his love language and the lead Oh, by the way, if you're not familiar with the five love languages check out the book the five love languages words of affirmation or for us leos it's words of adoration just kidding physical touch quality time Access service gifts. Okay. So going back to my friend He's more of an access service person the woman. He was in relationship was very vocal and very open about her feelings She was vulnerable and because she led by example and because he genuinely cared for her He leaned into her vulnerability Instead of run away The only men that run away from your vulnerability either a you're vomiting your vulnerability or b He's just not that into you and a man who can't lean into your vulnerability If it's sincere and from your heart sincere and from your heart means It's not coming from a place of victim consciousness. It's coming from a place of victor consciousness And when a woman can You don't even you don't lean back and you don't Way when you lean into your sovereignty the right guy is going to lean Into your self words self reliance self steam self love And lean into vulnerability as well. Is this sinking in ladies? Please let me know All right, we're going to take questions in a second By the way, I'm going to go through the q&a board if you have a question write the word question now before I share this In about An hour from now i'm hosting a webinar To my group called midlife love mastery. I'm going to post a link right here Midlife love mastery we're going to be