 And sometimes you don't have the conversation, you say, okay, I'm sorry, I feel my emotions rising. I think it's better if we do this tomorrow, or would it be okay to stop the conversation right now because I'm too tensed and I want us to have a good relationship, even when this difficult conversation is happening. So, but it takes guts to address that and to zoom out what's going on. What's up everybody and welcome to the show today. We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that, you're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell. And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this, make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends. How many times do people work themselves up over a conflict and over nothing only to finally get to a place where both people can discuss what is going on and realize that there isn't an issue and that it was just manufactured in their minds. Yeah, yeah. And that venting is so important at least. Let's put everything on the table and see where the conflict actually is because it may not be where you think it is. And then now you have an opportunity to be a problem solver and for both parties to come up with a win-win. Yeah, what I try to teach people is is it the content that causes the stress? Because usually if we address the content, it's okay. Hey, this is the fact I want to tell you or this is my observation I would like to tell you. But the other two themes, so I'm making a triangle because I believe that this is the three elements that are very important in a difficult conversation. So one would be content and the other one would be procedure. That's like when, when did it take place or is it in the future maybe? Says you're building up to something. And thirdly, that's the interaction and the interaction holds all the elements that are very difficult for us to control. So that would be emotions, that would be personalities, that would be a different style in communication or a different style in addressing conflicts as you said, AJ. So all these elements you have to figure out, is it literally the content? No, actually we kind of agree on the content sometimes. Oh, it's everything around it, yeah. I think another big struggle that I know I've gone through as well in conflict is so focused on what I want to say or what I want to get across that I don't often pay attention to the other perspective being presented in that conflict. And you can be in a situation where you're almost having two entirely different conversations if you're not listening to the other person. And one of the strategies that I like to employ is at least paraphrasing and repeating back to the other person their perspective to make sure that we're actually working from common ground because oftentimes you may mishear something and then misrepresent something and in that conflict it can go a lot worse than if you just took the time to be like, okay, are we at least in agreement that this is where we're starting from, this is what we're focused on. And if you're not able to paraphrase and state back what the other person just said about this experience, it's gonna be very difficult from there to get to a resolution. Yeah. And if you want to address something difficult, I would always say you have the responsibility to be the conductor in this setting or the director. The metaphor I like to use is you're the pilot. So if you are aware of what's going on and you want to go somewhere, you have to bring this other person on board. So the helicopter metaphor, sometimes we zoom out, are we on the same level here? Do we agree on the same thing? But also where are we flying off to? Am I on the same setting? Are we focused on the same thing and to summarize things really, really helpful? You know, it's interesting due to the technology we have and I've seen this in real life as well where people will answer their own questions and then infer that you hadn't said it. And I see it on a lot of Twitter arguments where people are projecting a lot of things that were said or inferred in a tweet and it's like that was not said at all. And yet we get so wrapped up in it. And I also have a family member who will ask me questions, answer those questions themselves and then hold me to their answer. I'm like, that didn't even happen and this is a very, it's a very common thing. And then for me, I'm curious, do you address that this family member does it is? Because it sounds like a difficult conversation so we can have a difficult conversation about what is going on. Did you address it? When I was younger, I just ignored it. Now I call it out every time because I'm just like, I'm not gonna be accused of things that I did not say or did not do. So I call it out and it's made the relationship a bit more, with a lot more contention. But at least I'm not going down as somebody who said this or did that. We drop great content each and every week and we wanna make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that, you're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell. And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this, make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends. Now we know also in difficult conversations, pacifying behaviors come up because there's tension and pressure and stress. And we want to, one, again, as we said earlier, be aware of our own body language and what we're communicating in these tense moments and to recognize what's happening in the other person's response to what we're saying. And are we actually getting our point across in an effective way or are they building up a wall and they're not really ready to hear what we have to say to work through that difficult conversation? Yeah, are we observant enough at that moment when our emotion is rising, when we want to get something across, are we still able to let that go or at least calm it down a bit so that we are aware what is the effect on the other person. And if we are observant enough to see pacifying behavior, can we address it? Again, we shouldn't make the mistake like, oh, now you're angry, maybe not, but we can say what is your thought right now or how do you feel right now so you can talk about that and address that. And for those in our audience who maybe their emotions get the best of them in these situations, what strategies or techniques can we use to lower our emotional tendencies going in in preparation for these difficult conversations? Yeah, what I like to, again, the helicopter metaphor is very helpful for people to realize you don't always have to have a conversation there and then, so to land the helicopter and go out, just literally leave the room sometimes can be very helpful, but also to pause, not say anything, just wait for a while, maybe even count to 10 for some people, write something down. You don't always have to look at the other person maybe you want to write something down to avoid eye contact for a moment so you can reorganize yourself in a way or get your emotions together. There are little things that you can do, but it starts with, again, being aware, why is this happening? Why is my emotion more intense now? Is it because of something the other person said or is this conversation going too slow? So that awareness helps you, again, to realize what is needed for me right now in this situation to have a better discussion or a better conversation and sometimes you don't have the conversation, you say, okay, I'm sorry, I feel my emotions rising, I think it's better if we do this tomorrow or would it be okay to stop the conversation right now because I'm too tensed and I want us to have a good relationship even when this difficult conversation is happening. But it takes guts to address that and to zoom out what's going on. I like that helicopter analogy. Johnny and I always laugh at some of the terrible advice that we hear around body language and communication. What is some of the worst advice that you've seen when it comes to communicating effectively or with body language? That people want to spot lies. Oh, if you do this, then you're a liar. There's so many awful things out there that makes me, that makes me stressed. So I would always say it is fantastic if you're into body language, but please, please, please take the whole context into consideration what's going on. If somebody, as you said, uses a self-hug, it might be because they're cold. We don't know, so never draw too quickly about what's going on. Ask, I would say always, always go to validating what you observe. Yeah, it's such a great point and understand that even in science, we need to collect many data points before we can draw any conclusions and body language is no different. And a snapshot, one tiny moment in time, a micro expression does not give you the right to believe that you're a lie detector, you're reading someone's mind and then projecting all of those other qualities onto that person. We might use it because it's not nothing, we've studied it. We know, of course, of scientific research that there is information out there, but still we have to be careful that we're not too rigid in how we think or how we come across or how we observe the other person and as you said before, how we react to that person based on the observation we have. In our work with making people aware of their own cognitive distortions and how they're playing a role and how they perceive things and then their behavior that goes along with that, it's quite interesting that if they haven't seen it before and have checked those cognitive distortions, then they have allowed them to run wild. And if they use a cognitive distortion in one area of their life and they never checked it, it usually ends up in another area of their life. And if you could pull out one and show them just how flawed that line of thought is, it shakes them up enough to where they're like, I wanna get rid of that anywhere that it shows itself. So it's quite important. And it comes back to, as you said at the beginning of this, of just making people aware of these things and how they make you feel, how they make you think and how it impacts your body language.