 Yes, when he pulls away, he'll never expect it. All right, so I want to share with you that I'd watched several different contemporaries videos on this same subject, and I thought I'd lean into this conversation because men pulling away is a very common search term for women who are in relationship, whether it's the beginning stages or a season relationship. So again, what many of my contemporaries will tell you to do is to mirror his actions, which means pull away yourself, and then they suggest go living your best life, live your best life, and make sure that you live your best life on social media. Show yourself out at bar, show yourself out doing things, make it seem like your life is so amazing, and he'll see it, and then he'll realize what he's missing out on, and he'll come rushing towards you because you're not doing what he's expecting you to do, which is to chase him. See, they will tell you that men will pull away expecting a woman will chase. Or let me reframe that. A lot of men will pull away for a variety of different reasons. But if a man thinks he's got one upper hand on you, he kind of expects you to chase him or feel angry about it. Well, let me just tell you, this advice of living your best life and mirroring his actions, in my opinion, is crap. It's utter crap. And if a guy does come back because you are living your best life, and he realizes that he's missing out on the most amazing relationship on the planet, what does that say about him? That in one moment, he could easily dismiss you, and then in another moment, he could easily come back to you. To me, that's not a very emotionally mature man in the dating realm. Now, many of you know my chart of the three types of people actively dating. Please forgive me. But you can see on the top, it says users, spenders, and growers and builders, users is 20%. Spenders are 60%. Grower builders are 20%. And please forgive the glare. Users are those love bombers, the players, the gold diggers, the entitled people, selfish people who only care about their own needs. The spenders, they seek companionship, connection, coupling, or sex. They have no direction. Uncertainty, fearful, usually have a dysfunctional life. And then there are the grower builders. They seek true long-term commitment. They're emotionally grown up, good relationship skills. They have their act together. Why am I bringing this up? Because when a grower builder pulls away from a relationship, he's going to tell you he's pulling away. He's going to either discuss what's missing in the relationship for him or he's going to end the relationship. A grower builder doesn't emotionally disappear from, let me reframe that. He doesn't physically disappear from the relationship. He might begin to slightly emotionally pull away because a grower builder is genuinely seeking a life partner. And if he's starting to have some doubts, he might be questioning it within himself. He might be going through a doubting period in that he might emotionally pull away, but he won't physically pull away 100% like the users and the spenders do. So when a grower builder, he doesn't pull away. He actually announces either he tries to fix what's missing in the relationship or he ends the relationship. And this all usually happens in a very short period of time. And we'll get to that in a moment. So you're going to ask, what do you need to do with those spenders and those users? Okay, what do you need to do? Well, let me just be clear on what you need to do. You need to call them out on their shit and demand an answer as to what the fuck is going on here. Okay, you need to call them out on their shit and demand an answer what's going on. Okay, now I said that with a little bit of brevity. I said that little bit tongue in cheek. Okay, what I really want to lean into instead of pulling back and mirroring his actions and then living your best life so he can see it on social media. I want you to try this when you've noticed a man has pulled away. Now, let me just tell you, this technique probably is definitely it's not going to work on the user, okay? The user's already dismissed you. A user's just using you. He's pulled away because he has no interest in exploring a deeper relationship with you. The spenders are the tricky ones because 60% of the population, there's a good chance six out of 10 people you're dating or six out of 10 men you go out on a date with is a spender. And the reason why they're called spender is that they'll spend time with you but they're incapable of commitment, most of them. So what you need to do is something for your own peace of mind and it is for your empowerment. And what I'm going to suggest is the following, okay? What I'm going to suggest is the following. You send the message. By the way, since everybody, since most everybody communicates via text messaging, you know, I mean, I even had a very significant message today via text, you know, it seems to be the common communication that's replaced emails. God, you know, and you think about it hundreds of years ago, people had, you know, ink and feather and pen, you know, ink and feather and they wrote on parchment paper and they'd have to mail it hundreds if not thousands of miles away. Eventually we got to the telephone, eventually we got to email and now we're a text message. But here's a message you can say to the person who you've noticed has pulled away. You can simply say the following. It appears you've distanced yourself from our connection. I'll repeat this, by the way. It appears you've distanced yourself from our connection. And if this is true, would you be open to having a heartfelt conversation about what's coming up for you? I'm going to read that one more time. It appears you've distanced yourself from our connection. And if it's true, would you be open to having a heartfelt conversation about what's coming up for you? Now, I know the way I worded this is from a speculative perspective. In other words, it's from a, it's not from a definitive perspective. I noticed you pulled away. You're just simply saying it appears you pulled away because you might not be 100% sure what's going on for him. So rather than making it a bold statement, I offer you to send it. And by the way, you can also phone, make a telephone call too. I'm just suggesting a text message. It appears you've distanced yourself from our connection. If it's true, would you be open to having a heartfelt conversation about what's coming up for you? Okay, here's one of a couple of things that are going to happen. He's not going to respond, which means he's already done with you, okay? You can already move on, okay? He might take 24 to 48 hours to respond. So I wouldn't write him off if it doesn't happen within the first 48 hours. But to a spender who's close to being a grown up, okay? Now, if you're not familiar with a grown up is, I'm just going to share with you my chart. Here's my emotional, by the way, my previous chart, all my charts is not a factor opinion. This is my emotional maturity relationship skills chart. Roughly about 20% of the population, by the way, this is true of men and women alike. 20% of the population has clinical issues. 20% are emotionally healthy. I'm being rather generous when I say 20%, but most everybody is in the category of dysfunctional. I even include myself right over here. So to the spender who actually has a heart and cares about you, he'll read this message and go, you know what, I have to own up what's coming up for me. See, that's the grown up thing to do. The user's already dissed you. He's already gone, okay? But it allows you to get a temperature gauge of where this relationship at is at at this point. Gives you a temperature gauge. It actually might be the first intimate conversation you've had with him, believe it or not. Other than, oh my God, you're so amazing. You're the most amazing woman on the planet. You're unlike everyone else I've ever dated. You're so wonderful. Let's have sex together as soon as possible. And then I'll emotionally distance myself from you. Remember, when men are on the hunt for sex, they can speak eloquently in an emotional capacity. The minute they orgasm is when you see the true nature of this human being, okay? So with that said, I've been talking quite a bit about all in, all in, okay? Now, while I'm sharing this with you is I talk about what is it, what is all in? Cause I recognize that you might be confused on what I mean by going all in. And I mean, when it comes to romantic relationship, I'm encouraging everybody to go all in as soon as possible, okay? Now, what this means, doesn't mean is you open joint checking accounts. You give him, loan him money. I don't mean that sense of all in. What I mean to say is within 90 days of getting to know someone, if you're dating, if you're seeing each other frequently, if you're seeing each other on average at two or three times a week during a 90 day period, most humans have at least a base understanding if this is a person they want to explore a relationship with. I'm gonna repeat that. If you're averaging two or three dates a week over a 90 day period, you should have a base understanding if you know you want to explore a relationship with them. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been communicating for three years and I've never met him. Okay, I can't, we can't apply long distance dating to two, okay. Folks, proximity breeds continuity, okay? Proximity breeds continuity. The closer two people live, the more time they spend together, proximity breeds continuity and continuity Bill leads to commitment, okay? Continuity leads to commitment. In other words, it is through the variety of different experiences with someone. Can you reach a level of commitment? So every time you say, but Jonathan, I'm in a long distance, long distance doesn't count. I'll talk about that a little bit later in this broadcast because I know many of you know, I experienced a long distance relationship and I'll give you some advice on that. Okay, so within this 90 day period, if two people have agreed that they want to explore a relationship, then I'm of the belief system. I'm of the suggestion that you go all in with respects to effort, with respects to effort, with the intent of moving towards partnership, moving towards partnership. Do you realize back in the 1900s, all the way through the 1960s, the average courtship for couples was less than 60 days? People got married in less than 60 days. I mean, this wasn't all the time, but a significant percentage of the time. They truly went all in. You know why? Because when you're all in, when you make the vow to say for better or for worse. Now, I'm not suggesting you have to do a vow for better or worse. What I'm simply saying is when two people make the effort of going all in, you then you really talk about the relationship from the perspective of partnership. But Jonathan, I'm with a guy who says, he doesn't want to put labels on the relationship. I'm with a guy who says, let's take it slow. I'm with a guy who wants to keep it casually, doesn't want to do anything serious. He was burned in his last relationship. Folks, remember my chart. Are you with a user, a spender or a grower builder? Okay, grower builders know within 90 days if you are relate a partnership material. They're either going all in or they're pulling out. Literally, and figuratively. So it's, listen, you are in charge of your relationship destiny. It is not, well, Jonathan, the divine feminine says, I need to let a man lead. I don't give a shit about divine feminine. I'm talking about your own emotional sanity. Having grown up conversations in those first 90 days leads to a greater chance of relationship success. But Jonathan, all the other coaches tell me it's just to have fun, don't put any pressure, don't ask questions. That's like an interview process. I'm here to say, folks, you got to interrogate the motherfucker. Now you see me laughing. I'm saying this a little tongue in cheek, but what I mean to say is this is your emotional livelihood on the line. And within that, it's an incumbent upon you to be in charge of your relationship destiny. It's not about being in the divine feminine lead, but when you're with a grower builder, you're not watching this channel. Okay, when you're with a grower builder, you're not watching this channel. You're watching this channel because you've either been with a user or a spender. And if you've been with the user spender, I'm here to say it's time to step into your power, into your divinity, if we're gonna talk about divine, step into your self-love. And I happen to write a book. What the heck does self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. And if you need help with discernment, you see this link right here, jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. Reach out to me. My whole coaching practice is all designed to teach you discernment and intentionality. And let me tell you something. I get calls each week from clients who work with me. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy and they know the difference because they're operating on not 1.0 software or 2.0 software or 3.0 software. They're working on 9.0 software because the old rules don't apply. So this whole just lean back in your feminine or just mirror his actions and leave your great life. That's all childish games and game playing relationships rarely ever work out because those are transactional relationships. And my hope is that you watching this are seeking something more in the divine. And what I mean to say more of a soul connection, a true spiritual partnership with another human being. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. And if you're not a subscriber, hit that notification bell. And please post a comment below. I do my best to read them all within the first 24 hours. All right, those that know my format, it's time for Q and A. If you have a question, write the word question then post the question there actor or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. All there's a little dollar sign in the chat box, all the monies from the super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. It's my son who passed away over five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman process and Insight Institute and give scholarships to coaching as well. So again, our goal tonight is $50, wait, $50, wait, $50, $50 our goal tonight. So share some love today as we get towards the end of the year. I'd love to donate some money. Also, if you would like to join the hot seat live with me and ask a question, I just posted a link right there in the chat box, let's join me live on the hot seat. We're gonna be posting hot seat interviews on upcoming videos as well. So don't be bashful if you wanna ask a question. All right, so I did see a question come in earlier. Bear with me everyone. Hey, Brian, good to see you. And I saw Paul was in the house. Okay, Sandy wrote a question. An ex I broke up with reached out to me after a month and wanted to do a business deal. Is he trying to find out if I'll take the bait? Why would he want a business deal after a breakup? Well, let's just go on the presumption that he's being sincere as a business deal. The question is, do you wanna do business with this person? If you do wanna do business with them, then respond to his message. Is it possible he's just trying to get a temperature gauge of where you're at? Most likely, here's the thing. I want everyone to remember if you've gone through a breakup, then you have to examine why did the breakup occur? And was it their choice to break up if it is? What's changed since the time you've broken up to make you even suggest you should go back to him and just remember, there's an old adage. Rejection is God's protection. There's a real benefit when someone breaks up. And if you ask yourself these four questions after a breakup, you might find yourself not needing to wanna talk to him. First question you ask yourself. What positive things about myself did I learn in this experience? What positive things about myself did I learn in this relationship? Number two, how have I healed childhood wounds from this relationship? How have I healed childhood wounds from this relationship? Number three, what was good about this relationship? What was good? What was good about the relationship? And lastly, number four, what am I most grateful for about this relationship? So what am I most grateful for about this relationship? If you can answer those four questions, you might be in a better position to make a choice going forward. And that's my invitation for you. Okay, Sandy, thank you for asking that question. We really appreciate it. Billy Lynn says, you know, I have two sons. No way do they behave as users. They have more class than to play that game. Let me tell you something. Every user here came from a mom who oftentimes thinks the same way. But I'm not suggesting your sons that way, but everybody, every mom thinks their son walks on water. Just saying that. Most every mother thinks their son walks on water. But I'm not saying that about you, Billy, okay. Gigi's in the house. Thoughts on doing background checks. It's like profile a sales prospect. Learn as much as you can before the questions begin. Fact-finding uncovering can confirm answers. You know, I have mixed feelings on this. And I recognize that when we are meeting total strangers, it might behoove us to do a background check. You know, background checks, I mean, unless you actually pay for a more significant one, isn't gonna reveal, you know, like it might reveal if they have traffic tickets or any court violations, it might. Certainly I would Google a person's name and see, by the way, do they have a Google footprint? That might be something worth looking into. But I have mixed feelings because on one hand, it's going in on a fear-based. On another hand, it's being, you know, being mindful. I guess the question happens is, what if you find something on this background check that is unfavorable? Are you gonna discontinue conversation with them? Are you gonna be upfront about it? What would you do with this information? See, that's another question you might wanna ask. But on some level, when you're meeting total strangers, I understand the importance to wanna do that. Hopefully you can find out enough about a person ahead of time through conversation to get a sense of who this person is. But maybe before you're physically intimate, you may wanna do that. I can understand that might be a valuable thing to do. So those are just my rough thoughts on background checks. And Gigi, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. McCoy says, I like to listen to Jonathan and talk with you ladies and any guy who shows up. I'm grateful for the guys who show up too. So thank you. Revolve is in the house. I'm so tired of meeting incognito spenders. Can you set me up with a grower builder, Jonathan? Well, just remember the percentage of grower builders out there is commensurate to the women who are true grower and builders. You see, every woman thinks she's a grower and builder, but just remember only two out of 10 are true grower builders. Everybody is incognito, okay? Because we all have childhood wounds and trauma. So a couple of the most important things to recognize about people who are spenders. Typically, there's some level of chaos going on in their life. The ground underneath them doesn't feel solid on a physical level or emotional level. That's number one. Number two, they are fresh out of a recent relationship. Those are usually not good people to engage in relationship. At a minimum, their relationship should have ended at least. If it's a marriage, need a couple of years to heal from that. If it's a significant relationship or five years or longer, you probably need a good year, year and a half to heal from that. And you ladies are in this boat too. And if it was a one-year relationship, I would say three to six months of non-dating would be some good numbers. Okay, so let's include that in the bucket. Do they have any major issues going on in their life? In other words, if their life is clean, and they, by the way, the other thing about a spender, he doesn't say, he rarely ever says I want to get remarried. Only grower builders say that, okay? Grower built, mostly grower builders say that. So just look for what he says. And if you need some support with that, schedule a discovery call with me. Okay. Sherry says to Gigi, welcome back to the Badass No Nonsense Club. The Badass No, oh God, I got pit stains. The Badass No Nonsense Club. Here we are. By the way, it's folks, the reason why I get sweaty, it's because I have studio lights here and it's quite hot and I have a fan here, but it's still kind of, it's still rather hot up here. And I'm not walking around. Loretta wants is in the house. By the way, who's gonna donate some money to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund? Let's get some dough in here today. Loretta is in the house. Jonathan, how often do spenders become builders? Is it rare that this happens? You know, a spender, okay, so it depends on his dysfunctionality. If he has mild dysfunctionality, he has a chance and he sincerely wants to fully commit a relationship, then he can move towards a spender. If he operates with integrity, if he operates with intentionality and integrity, if he's still ruled by his penis, and I'm guilty of this ladies, I've been guilty of it for a long fucking time. I've been ruled by my penis. I don't feel like I'm ruled by him anymore. I'm not ruled by him anymore. I'm ruled by this, okay? If he's ruled by his penis, it's gonna be hard. He's gotta make a stand for being in integrity. This is critically important. He has to make a stand for being in integrity. And what that means is, is not seeking physical pleasure at his, you know, at seeking that being the motivation of it. See, a grower builder, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. I wrote this on a piece of paper. It's been a while since I fucked. It's been a while since I've made love to someone. I really wanna make love to my beloved, meaning I wanna call in my beloved because I wanna have sex. I'm gonna own it. I just declared it publicly now, okay? I wanna fuck. But Jonathan, that's so crude to say fuck. Why can't you just say make love? Guys, you know what? It's just, I'm being a bit theatrical, okay? Let's not make it an absolute here. A grower builder operates with one thing in mind. He wants a life partner. And he's going to choose someone who can fit into his life. And he can fit into her life and she can fit into his life. That's how a grower builder operates. A spender goes, okay, where's my penis going? Where's my penis going? Where's my penis going? I wanna go, where's my penis going? I'm gonna follow my penis. That's what a user and most spenders do. And with some spenders, they're so broken that they'll attach, the minute they're having regular sex with someone, they'll attach themselves to that person. But it doesn't mean that they're capable of a relationship. Folks, is this making sense? I hope this is making sense to you all. Okay, okay, I'm going through the list. Wait a minute. Paltry flowers just, they sell underarm sweat pads. You know, I was gonna put tissue paper on, but I forgot. Billy says, Jonathan, really ruled by their penis sounds crazy, sounds kind of crazy. Oh, come on, you ladies know we're ruled by our penis. Guys who are unconscious are ruled by their dicks. Come on, it's our little brain that does the work here. Now, here's the thing, most men are good guys. They might be unconscious, but they're, most men are good people. They have, most men have good hearts. They might be self-centered. By the way, you ladies are no picnic either. Let me be clear. Because humans can be rather self-centric, self-centered. You ladies are no picnic either here, but guys are usually ruled by their penis, more so than. I don't think women have penises, so you're not ruled that way. Okay. So Rebecca says, so a spender, do they change? They can change. Okay. Again, it depends on how the more fucked up his life is, the less likely he will change. But don't look at, you can't be looking for a project and say, I'm gonna hold out for him. Because that's not a very good strategy going into a dating scenario. That's my suggestion anyway. By the way, before I answer this question, I wanna dive into something. Okay, folks, this title is rather negative. In other words, it's almost pessimistic in the title. And the reason being is if I wrote a title, find the love of your life tomorrow, you guys won't click, okay? I will get so few clicks if that's the title. But I do wanna offer something that will change your life right now and please write this down, okay? This will change your life. I promise you, if you write this down, I want you to make a list of every couple you know you know or you think you know that you admire their relationship. I want you to make a list of every couple you know or you think you know and you admire their relationship. These are known as role models, role models. Last week, I had Joy and Matt Khan on my channel. And if you haven't seen that video, it's just a couple days ago, the video. And this is a couple that are my role models, one of many role models I have. When you start to view the world through role models, when you start to view the world on the possibility, when you see examples of real love, when you see couples happy together, when you see couples, like when I see couples walking the beach and I can see the joy in their eyes. It's a reminder that a great relationship can exist. You don't have to be the exception or you know, you don't have, you don't, while it might be your relationship, okay, you don't have to be the exception, you can be the rule. But what I mean to say is, while it's most likely most relationships are dysfunctional, I want you to be the ones that stand out. So it starts with a mindset of knowing that a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship exists for you. It exists for you. I have a half a dozen role models, personal friends, couples that I absolutely admire their relationship. You know, I mean, like I just shared, and by the way, I'm gonna be interviewing more couples for my channel. And if you need to, you can live vicariously through them, but we need, when I say we need, when we have a positive example of what we wanna lean towards, it creates the motivation because if we focus on, you know, Joe dispensa, are you guys familiar with the work? Joe dispensa, breaking the habit of being yourself. If you're constantly focused on what's wrong and like, look, I'm setting you guys up for failure with this title, do this when he pulls away. I'm setting you up for failure because it already starts with a premise of problems, but you guys won't click if I put out content that says find the love of your life in 30 days. I promise you, if in the next 30 days, the new year starts in a few hours, okay? Put together a list of every relationship you admire and just put that in your consciousness for 30 days. But Jonathan, I have no couples I know that I admire. That's sad. I mean, I have dozens of, I mean, I have six, I mean, that are really on the front frontal part of my consciousness, but I know dozens of couples. And then there are couples like, look it, you know, I admire, I don't know them personally, but I admire Goldie Hahn and Kurt Russell. I admire Pierce Brosnan and his wife, and maybe it's all fallacy, but I look, I rather have the fantasy that their relationship is great if I don't know it by fact. Now, I happen to factually know some great relationships. I just invite you to lean into that, okay? I invite you to lean into that. Melanie says, see, Melanie says, married guys I admire, the married friends I admire, the guys hit on me, you know? I mean, no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there because you guys don't have good role models in your life. That's sad. Beach Lover says, why wouldn't you think we'd click? It's not just Beach Lover, I know it's not my fans. I'm talking about all those people that don't know who I am, okay? But thank you. You know, make a list of people you admire, just make a list of people you admire and then remind yourself, it's raining great men, it's raining great men, it's raining great men. You know, earlier we were talking about a breakup and I thought I'd share something personal right now. You know, when I got married, I was completely unconscious. I didn't know how to be a good husband. I just followed the programming of, I was taught by my parents, go to college, get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family, be the provider, you know? That was my programming. And I followed that to the tee. But I wasn't a great husband. I really didn't know how to, I didn't even know who I was as a person. I didn't know how to open up emotionally. I didn't know how to express my needs. I didn't know how, I just, all I did was follow the programming and we did the things that we were supposed to do, but we weren't really a close couple and the relationship ended. And I take 100% for my failure in the relationship. So let's see, that happened in 2005, 2006. I met, I had a couple skirmishes since then and what I mean to say is I had a couple, three or four, five month relationship, two or three, until I had another significant relationship, six years after my 15 year, well, I was together with my wife, a total of 15 years married for 12 and a half, okay? Six years later, I meet a woman. Now, when I met her, I was at the lowest point in my life. I'd lost my corporate job. I was an emotional train wreck. I was the true fixer-upper and she was the parent, okay? And she knew it going in and we were together on and off for six years, okay? I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned, I mean, I really, I was a spender. I was a spender in that relationship, but I also got to get reparented by her. What I mean to say is she taught me so much about myself. She happened to be a therapist, so I got to do so many things. I eventually went to the Hoffman process because of her, she gifted it. By the way, I want you to know this something, folks. Our relationship ended on June 2nd of 2017. For a birthday gift, she gave me the Hoffman process. If you're not familiar with the Hoffman process, this is the book. This is the book, the Hoffman process. This is a place to do a deep dive to healing childhood wounds and trauma and adult traumas, okay? Now, I went to the live eight day seminar or workshop. She gifted it to, we had already broken up, but she gifted it to me as a birthday gift and that was a $3,500, that was a $3,500 workshop. I mean, I paid to fly myself up there in the lodge and get everything. I mean, what a sweet person because you know what? We did a very conscious uncoupling. In fact, in the book, conscious uncoupling, five steps to living happily even after by Catherine Woodward Thomas. If you turn to page 200, okay, hold on. I think it's 200. Oh God, I can't remember where it is. Well, it's in the book, conscious uncoupling, our breakup email that went out to all our friends made this book, okay? And to this day, we remain, I think of her as like my big sister, okay? Okay, not that we talk all the time, but we talk occasionally. I mean, she lives with a partner. I've played golf with him. We're friendly to each other, okay? And so then when our relationship ended in 2017, I met Marie in 2022. Now that relationship lasted 14 months. This relationship, I grew by leaps and bounds. I didn't realize it going in how much growth was happening for me. And I suspect there was a tremendous amount of growth that was happening for her. And as we were growing individually, we started to individuate from the relationship. And she didn't feel like this was the right relationship for her. And I respect her decision. And I'm getting so fucking tired of all of you saying, Jonathan, you screwed it up, or Jonathan this or she did that. I mean, guys, you have no business speculating when you know about this much information, okay? But what I do know is those four questions I asked myself, what positive things did I learn about myself? One of the most positive things I learned about myself was I was ready and capable to go all in. I wasn't ruled by my penis, like I was talking about earlier. Well, maybe a little bit. Well, a little bit, okay? Not this, a little bit, okay? I healed that part of me that's codependent. I healed that part of me that's anxious. Not that I fully healed from it. And by the way, I'm only sharing all this if any of this resonates with you. What was good about the relationship? Oh my God, the laundry lists of things that are good is something I could write pages on and what am I most grateful for is all the good. What positive things I learned about myself, what was good, what am I most grateful for? So now I wanted to share this with you. 15 year relationship was the first one. Six years was the second one on and off and the last one, 14 months. So what is the message here? Each relationship was an opportunity for me to truly learn who I am, but more importantly, what do I really want? And even more importantly, what do I need in a partnership? I am now so fucking crystal clear on what I need in partnership. And you see, this is where most of you women or people, excuse me, human beings out there is that you really don't know what you want. You all know it from the pie in the sky perspective. I'm here to suggest in this, I say this because I coach women, I mean, I have hundreds of clients a year, they think of it in the pie in the sky, they're not thinking of it granularly. It's not, it's not, it's nebulous to most people. It's not micro, it's macro. And it took me a long time to figure this out about myself and this is why I teach from this place. And I'll be candid with you. I have no intent to date tradition, the current model of dating. I have no intention of the current model of dating, which is swipe, swipe, swipe, communicate, communicate, meet someone for coffee, swipe, swipe, swipe, communicate, communicate, meet someone for coffee. That's to me, like that's an, that's like an old fashioned cold calling method that the numbers game is the most unhealthiest game to be playing right now in the dating marketplace. I think it's the numbers game, treating it like a numbers game is an unhealthy way. I'm here to encourage intentional dating. And more importantly, let's go back to a courtship way of dating. I don't mean a traditional courtship. I'm talking about operating from a different perspective. I'm talking about like two business people that are gonna form a partnership together. When two business people get together and they say, okay, this is who I am. This is who I am. These are my strengths. These are my strengths. Great, we fit like a glove. Let's explore this business together. Well, in essence, I want you to think of it along that line. There's an interesting book you may wanna consider reading. It's called partnership charter, how to start outright. Now, I really think we could change the name how to start outright with your new romantic partnership and apply the principles from this book. Most importantly, the concept of mutual exchange with one another. In other words, it's going in as two sovereign beings. But Jonathan, the divine feminine is supposed to wait for the divine masculine to lead. I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine energy and just let him lead. I get it, transactional relationships, conditional relationships, I get it. 97% of the population is operating from conditional and transaction relationships. I'm talking to that 3% of you. I'm talking to the 3% of you that wants something different. And if you want something different, I'm gonna recommend two books that you read. I highly recommend reading the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated. This takes out the penis and vagina way of dating. This talks about how to date from your heart. And then the next book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zucca. If you read amongst all the books I talk about habitually, if you wanna be in the 3%, and I recommend reading these books, particularly if the Buddha dated, throw out the gender rhetoric, start dating from your heart. That's what I'm focused on. And I have no intention of being led by my penis or led by my ego. I hope, okay? I'm human. I'm not perfect. I'm making a declaration. I can't say this definitively, but I'm holding to that inspiration for myself. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please let me know. If this resonated with you, what I just shared. Say amen, Jonathan. Who wants to be on the hot seat as we get towards the tail end of our broadcast tonight? Come on, I'd like to have someone on the hot seat. By the way, I hope this really had value what I just shared with you. I was very sincere for me to speak from my heart about my past relationships, because here's the thing. I get criticized by many of you. Well, Jonathan, who are you to be coaching if you're not in a relationship? I'm here to say, one of us, one of us, one of, what was the movie? What was the movie where it said, one of us, one of us, one of us? I get, I have incredible empathy for the shit we're all going through. By the way, the hot seat is this link I just posted. And if you just click the link, you can actually be on with me live, okay? If you want to be on with me live, click that link and join the hot seat, okay? Sugar mama, okay? What is the hot seat? This is joining me live and asking a question. The infamous Kiki says, I prefer you one of, no, you don't, you want me to, folks, my next evolution. By the way, starting in 2024, I'll be shooting videos for men. And when I meet my beloved, I'm going to come back to videos for couples, okay? $10, thank you, thank you, thank you. Love donating to the Conner Asley Scholarship Fund. Question, after two dates, a man admitted he's visiting massage parlor with a happy ending in the past. Should I worry if this is an addiction or ask him questions about it? All right, I have a confession. I did that once, I was shit-faced out of my mind and my buddies all wanted to go after work. This was like 30 years ago. I can't remember how long ago it was. So I've done it, I'm guilty of it. Did I really have a happy ending? Not really, it wasn't all that satisfying. Okay, so I just owned it. Now, should you be worried about it? I guess the question is, when was the last time he did it and does he do it frequently? When was the last time he did it? Does he do it frequently? And by the way, should we fault someone for doing that? I mean, I don't judge anyone for doing that. I think if we don't have, I mean, I think we all have a, look it, I don't know about you, but I'm a horny motherfucker, okay? I mean, not that I want to resort to that because I want my energy clean for my next beloved. I mean, I really sincerely mean that, but I don't, like how is that any different than a friend with benefit? I don't know. I mean, do we have to put a judgment on it? That would be my question, SR, but thank you so much for the love. I really appreciate it. Doug is in the house. Come on, Doug, join the hot seat. I'd like to have the ladies see you. If the Buddha dated, GF, are you gonna take out the trash or just sit there like, wait, Buddha, girlfriend, are you gonna take out the trash or just sit there like you're, I think that's funny. I got the joke, okay? Sherry says, amen, Jonathan, thank you so much. I'm looking, all right, beach lover. Come on, let's get someone in the hot seat. Do you have the same advice? Wait, do they have the same service massage for women? I think that's called a vibrator. I don't know, you know what? I mean, I remember, as anyone watched 90 Day Fiancé, Sarpur and Shekinah, he was a male exotic, or was a male exotic dancer. So no, I don't know about that, but that's a good question. Margaret says, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't remember what I said to suggest that. Is it, is looking at women at Instagram okay? I mean, I don't, you know, used to be, I remember growing up, I looked at a lot of Playboy and play penthouse, excuse me, and hustler, okay? A shitload of it. I mean, and now it's at our fingertips, you know? I don't know, and now Instagram or, you know, like, or only fans, I certainly don't believe these devices, I think these devices are tools, but I also think there's an addiction. And quite frankly, most everybody's addicted to their phone. I went to the gym the other day. Do you know what I saw? People on the machines, and this is what they were doing at the gym. This is what they were doing on the machines. I think women and men are equally addicted to their devices, and within that, I think women and men are looking at Instagram because they're thirsty for real heart-centered connection. Humans, humans, men and women are thirsty for a heart-centered connection. God, universe spirit. Gus, I didn't coin that to him, someone else did. Ah, God, universe spirit. I invite everybody who is watching this broadcast right now who seeks a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship with someone where they can truly connect at a heart-centered level, where the chemistry between them is off the charts and the energetic connection feels as if two soulmates have come together holding hands, or more importantly, true love coming together holding hands and going to school with each other each and every day. I hope the communication for them and myself, and I'm including myself in this conversation, the communication is off the charts and the banter can go on for hours and hours at a time and when there's ever conflict between us, we can resolve it in a heart-centered, heartfelt way. And we share the same values with one another and we can blend our lives together with ease and we have the emotional maturity to build the deep roots of trust through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional, intimacy that leads either moving in together and getting married, God, universe, spirit. I invite this for myself and everyone else who's watching at this very moment and I make that prayer for all of you. If you agree with this, give me an amen. Amen. Hey, thank you for the $5 Super Sticker SR. Did you like my little prayer? Liz says my phone is not welcome in bed at all. I'm guilty of having it at my bedside. I actually listened to a program called ThinkUp and it's a affirmation program. I've prerecorded 30 affirmations. Here, I'll just show it to you. It's called ThinkUp. I've curated over 30 affirmations that I recorded and then I listened to it as I fall asleep. I'm a good caring person with a kind heart. I am worthy of a life partner that meets all my needs. My body knows how to heal itself. I'm doing the best I can and I'm a good person. My heart is strong and healthy, working on an optimized level. I have reliable and constant flow of income to support my lifestyle. I have released the past and trust that everything is happening for my highest good. I'm creating a high quality relationship with a conscious loving partner who wants to do the same things I do. I'm in a loving, passionate, playful, romantic relationship. I can easily recognize my energetic equal and it'll feel like we've known each other when we first meet. I trust my discernment to guide me, to make decisions and it'll feel like I've known her for a lifetime when we meet. A popular famous reputable influencer loves my work and recommends me to everyone they know. My romantic partner is a successful spiritual businesswoman who really wants to support my professional endeavors. I feel desired, appreciated, inspired, respected, adored, admired, cherished and accepted by my life partner. Let me repeat that one again. I feel desired, appreciated, inspired, respected, adored, admired, cherished and accepted by my life partner. I have a life partner and we both deeply love each other. I deserve someone who loves me the same way I love her. My life partner is committed to the divine growth and me. My life partner is curious about my thoughts and feelings and asks me questions on a daily basis. I love being asked questions. Folks, think up. I highly recommend this app. Where is, here it just looks like that, okay, think up. Okay, by the way, what did you guys think of those? What did you think of those affirmations? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. By the way, Doug says, I would love to jump on a live chat with you one night. Well, why not be, do it tonight? All right. Sharon says, amen. Patriot lady says, those were great. Let's see what else we've got. Hey, Doug, the ladies want you to join us tonight. Come on, have some courage here. By the way, I'm gonna be going out to watch the football game soon. So you got me for about another five minutes, okay? I want to go live, but don't know what to ask. Well, then just get on and talk to me. The infamous Kiki, come on, have some courage here. I'll do the asking. Margaret says, Jonathan, Australia, we have the most backward men in the world. They abuse and use women. I'm sorry to hear that's how you feel, but guess what? If every woman felt that way, why aren't these women moving out of that country? I'm just curious. Melanie says, I fall asleep to affirmations, but I like the personalized. Yes, it makes it more valid when it's personalized. It's called ThinkUp. Okay, Sugar Mama. It's called ThinkUp. The app is called ThinkUp. It's got that little, right there, that little, can you see that ThinkUp right here? That's the sign of it, okay? Sorry. All right, let's see what else we've got here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You know what folks, I think this would be a great, oh wait, we got Kiki in the house. Okay, Kiki, it's only gonna be for a few minutes because I'm off to go watch the football game. Hey there. Hi. Hey everybody. You're here from Miss Kiki. Yes, live from my closet. From your closet. From my closet, live. Oh my God, it's a mess in there. All right, it's a lot of clothes. It's not in here. It's not color coordinated. Oh no, I'm a heck no. I don't do all that. So what's up sweetheart, give me some love. I would like to say that, like I've been saying all along, every time I think I'm crazy, I come to this channel where people make me feel like there's something wrong with me because of the things that I ask for. I come to this channel and I'm like, okay, I feel better. I feel at peace because I'm like, I feel like I deserve a relationship. I need a relationship. And I should be able to ask what I want and be able to want something serious with people. But sometimes when I'm on online dating, you're made to feel like you're some kind of weird aberration because I don't wanna have sex with you on the second date. Like I've been made to feel that. I'm like, wait a minute, I barely even know you. You don't even know my last name. You don't know my favorite color. And then all of a sudden they just wanna hop into something physical. So I have to come back to this channel and be like, okay, I feel better. That I have to hold on to my integrity and hold on and not give up my power and give up my sovereignty, like you said. Because being on online dating, people will make you feel like you wanna give up. Like maybe you should give in or maybe, I've had guys tell me, well, you're never gonna find anyone. And I'm like, whoa, wait a minute, what? Like, well, this is just how things are done online. I'm like, well, if this is how things are done, I don't want no part of it. But that's how people will try to make you feel like you're doing something wrong by asking someone to just respect me as a human being. And I think that- So let me ask you a question. Mm-hmm. Hold on a second. Can you read this title that I just put up? The subtle art of not giving a ass. Okay, so who gives a crap what one or two or five or 10 or 15 men? Because I'm sure it's not thousands of men that have sent it to you. It's just a shit. You select men and yet you're making this your narrative. Okay? So I go into the dating process and I think of all the wonderful experiences of I had. I think of the wonderful people I've met. I've met some really amazing people. One of my dearest friends on the planet, Tammy, we met through an online dating connection. It wasn't a love connection, but she's probably my dearest friend. She was so there for me when my mother passed away. She was so there for me. When my son passed away, we've been there for each other in every relationship. And I met her through an online connection. So I'm here to suggest is you can look at it from the pessimistic glass or you can look at it from the optimistic glass. And let's look at it from the optimistic glass. Okay, let's take Jonathan, for example. I work from home. Okay? Yeah. Tonight I'm gonna go to a bar to watch a football game. It's gonna be 99 guys and one chick probably. And she'll be with her boyfriend, okay? Now I do happen to go where other women are because of my profession, okay? But my point is, by the way, the other day, do you wanna know what? On match.com I had like a dozen emails on my, now they weren't a fit for me or I wasn't feeling a romantic connection for them. But I look at, so this is what I do. Whenever I'm swiping, whenever I'm swiping left, meaning I'm not interested, you know what I say? I wish you all the best. I wish you all the best. I wish you all the best. I hope you find love. I hope, like I'm swiping saying no, okay? And if someone writes me, I always, I do my best most of the time to write them back while I don't feel we're a match, I truly wish you all the best on your search for love. My invitation for you, the infamous Kiki, is to start operating from that big, gigantic, beautiful heart I know you already have and start asking yourself what would love do in every situation and don't even think about what didn't work out before. I want you to focus on the possibility of something amazing happening for you. I want you to surround yourself with role models. I want you to start to envision this juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. Because if all you're thinking about what happened in the past, past is prologue. You can write a new future for yourself. I talk, read this book by Joe Dispenza. Where did I put that book? This is an amazing book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It's time to change those thoughts because they're not serving you right now. And I agree, it's hard though. I mean, if I had positive experiences to kind of balance that. I'm not gonna say it's hard. I'm allowed to say it's a clusterfuck out there and you're allowed to say, Jonathan, I don't believe you. I'm gonna make my life different. That's what your job is to say. Yes, I would, I mean, like I said, I'm not a negative person. I would like one or two maybe positive experiences and I'll be like, okay, I can go for it. But when it's like, okay, this is a lot of negative. Like I have to step back sometimes and delete my profiles and stuff off of online dating. Because I realized that it takes a lot out of us and some people have really thick skin to go through it. And then I know that some of us just don't. Like some of us just, I don't have the bandwidth to go through it. So I'll have to step back. My favorite favor, Jonathan. For the next 30 days, I'm gonna envision a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship entering in my life. I'm going to only focus on its reigning great men. I'm gonna be open to all the possibilities out there with beginner's hearts. I'm gonna adopt a beginner's heart from this moment that I'm speaking for the next 30 days. I don't wanna hear anything of what's wrong. I want you to tell me what's right. What is right gonna be happening in your life? Would you do that for me and do it every day for 30 days? I promise I will work on that. I promise I will try. I have a great life. There is no try, you're an only do. Do, okay. I will, I have no one suggested ever for 30 days. I will put in a hard concrete, you know, and effort and get it done. I'm trying, like I said, I'm trying. But my life is great. Everything is great, but that. I just want you to do it. I'm gonna, like I said, I will report back y'all in 30 days. I will report back and let you guys know what happened. But I just like to say to all the ladies out there who have been in a hot seat who are in your community, you guys have really helped me. I had a horrible relationship and it took me getting help, getting therapy, listening to the channel, reading books. And there are times that I'm just like, okay, but then I come here and I listen to you and I read the comments from the other people on here and I get really encouraged. So I just like to say, so blessed to have you guys. Can I reach into the camera and give you a big gigantic hug? Oh yeah. I'm so blessed. I'm gonna say something. Whenever I do a coaching call, I always end my coaching calls the way I do my videos with a big, gigantic hug. So I give everybody a hug, Kiki. Send anyone big one. Wishing you a happy 2024. Yes, 2024, it's a new year. All right, big hugs to you, sweetheart. All right, thank you. Bye, y'all, love y'all. Bye. Marcy says hugs to Kiki. You have a cute and fun personality indeed. Oh, this is Ruth talking about the affirmations. John is in the house and he says, thank you, Kiki. You have our support. Thanks for getting in the hot seat. We are very grateful. Hey folks, time for me to head out. I'm gonna go watch football. We'll be back on live in a couple of days and I will probably maybe even do a New Year's Eve broadcast. We'll see what happens. Folks, if you have something to say, post a comment below. If you'd like to donate to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund, that little dollar sign would love to have some support for that. Also, if you found value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Check out all the links below to schedule a discovery call with me to follow me on Instagram to get all the books I recommend. I hope you find value in what I do. And if I did give you some value, please let me know. And I'm gonna sign off this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it to them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I'm gonna thank Lisk and Marcy and Barbara and Margaret, Esar and Jane and Jigolo. Jigolo, fuck, I don't know how to pronounce that. Logo, beach lover, Mary Jane, Rebecca, Sharon, Melanie, Kate, Kitch, Billy, Melanie, John, oh, and Brian and Doug were in the house earlier. Everyone, big hugs, wishing you a fab evening. You have lots.