 When you feel like you're the narcissist, when you feel like you're the one who is at fault, when you feel like you can't do anything right, you've done some things that you're not proud of, and it's causing you to question if you are the narcissist. You assume that someone who is not a narcissist would not do the things that you have done, but this isn't always true. It is very common for victims of narcissistic abuse to question if they are the narcissist. The reason for this is because the narcissist provokes us to react to them. They like it when we get mad. It gives them the opportunity to portray us as the abuser. They push you to react to them. They push you to engage in dysfunctional behavior, and this then makes you question if you are the abuser. If you are the narcissist, this is what the narcissist depends on. They depend on you focusing on your reaction to their abuse, rather than the abuse itself. It gives them the ability to abuse you while also shifting the blame onto you. It helps them to dodge the responsibility for their actions, and it also gives them supply when they can blame you for something that they have done. They feed off your pain and shame. It makes them feel like they're right. It makes them feel like they're winning. You might feel guilty for some of the things you've done. You might have shouted at the narcissist. You might have thrown things at them. You might have said some mean things to them. Maybe you have even physically attacked the narcissist. Of course, it's wrong to engage in those behaviors, and we should avoid justifying it, and instead, try to respond better in the future. If your actions were simply in reaction to the abuse, you will recognize that your behavior was wrong, and you will feel guilty for engaging in that kind of behavior. You may even question if you are the narcissist. The narcissist is not going to do that. They hate acknowledging anything negative about themselves. They enjoy shifting the blame onto other people. It helps them to avoid any responsibility for their actions. It makes them feel like they're not the problem. If you try to engage in a healthy argument with the narcissist, it will not work. When you are in an argument with them, they will shout and scream at you. They will insult you. They will try to make you feel shame as though you are a bad person. This is abusive behavior, and it doesn't matter how peaceful you might be. It doesn't matter if you're not angry. It doesn't matter if you're able to tolerate their problems without becoming annoyed or anxious. You can maintain your composure and avoid having a emotional reaction. But it will not result in a positive outcome. When you are in a healthy relationship, and you act in a healthy manner, naturally, this will bring about a healthy positive outcome. But when you're in a relationship with a narcissist, it doesn't matter how healthy your behavior is. It doesn't matter how peaceful you might be or how tolerant you are of their problems. Because the problem has nothing to do with you. Nothing you change about yourself is going to affect the outcome of the situation. The problem is within the narcissist. So for there to be a healthier, more positive outcome, the narcissist would have to change their behavior. And this is how you know that you're not the narcissist. If you avoid having emotional reactions and you practice composure, yet nothing ever gets resolved. That's how you know that it isn't you. Because healthy positive behavior will always bring about a healthy positive outcome. Unless you are dealing with a narcissist or toxic person, when you try to be healthy or positive within a narcissist, it just makes things worse. It only makes them more mad. Because it reminds them that you are not the problem. It reminds them that they are the ones who are at fault. They have to provoke you and get you to react to their abuse so that it looks like you're the one with the problem. And that's when they will usually start to calm down. And play the victim role. But when you're calm and relaxed and you're trying to resolve the situation, it just makes them more mad. They become more abusive, more out of control. Because it becomes obvious to them that they are the ones with the problem. Even though they may not openly admit it to you, they do recognize that they have a problem. And that is why it makes them so mad when you do not react to their abuse. It makes it very difficult for them to shift the blame onto you. When you practice composure and you remain calm and relaxed despite how they're treating you, it becomes extremely obvious to them that they are the problem. But they can't just end the argument. They can't just walk away because then they would have to walk away with having to accept that they are the problem. So instead, they prolong the abuse. They extend the duration of the argument. Or they might give you the silent treatment. They will constantly insult you and do whatever they possibly can to hurt you. They will say or do whatever they think will hurt you the most until you finally get mad and react to them. It is perfectly normal and healthy for you to feel remorse after you have reacted to their abuse. It is perfectly understandable. And this is another key indicator that you're not the narcissist because the narcissist would never feel any remorse for their actions. They have to portray you as the problem. So they can never accept that they have done something wrong. But please do not feel like you're a bad person. You're not. You were just reacting to their abuse. Anyone would have reacted in a similar way if they were constantly pushed and provoked. When the narcissist constantly engages in this kind of behavior and they keep pushing and provoking you until you finally react to them. It increases your sensitivity to the abuse. It makes you easily hurt, worried or offended because you've been trained over a long period of time that when you get angry, the narcissist becomes calm. It has trained your subconscious to be more sensitive to the abuse so that the threat will stop faster. The narcissist calms down because it relieves their suffering. It validates their false image. They can't do anything wrong. You are the one who has the problem. When you finally react and start acting the way that they do. They really start to believe that you are the one who has the problem. Regardless of everything that they have said or done before you finally reacted to them. This is when they will start to call you mentally unstable. They will call you a narcissist or psychopath. And they will claim that you need help. Deep down, you know that this isn't who you are. You know that you wouldn't normally react in this way. But now it seems to be happening more often. Now you seem to be coming more and more like the narcissist. It's almost like they are training you to become the narcissist. Every time you react, it creates more and more evidence that you are the one with the problem. And that is why you are now questioning a few other narcissists. You might even be watching my videos. And identifying with some of the dysfunctional behaviours that I have described about the narcissist. But that doesn't mean that's who you are. If you were the narcissist, you wouldn't even entertain that idea. The behaviours that you have engaged in are in reaction to how the narcissist has treated you. It's reactive abuse. You've done some things you're not proud of. You feel like you're the problem. You feel like you're the narcissist. But there is one significant difference between a narcissist and someone who engages in reactive abuse. The difference is that someone who has engaged in reactive abuse will admit what they have done. They will take responsibility for their actions. They will feel embarrassed for how they have acted. Because they know that's not really them. That's not how they would normally act. They won't even say why they did what they did. Because it doesn't matter why. There is no justification for abuse. And we know that. Regardless of what someone has done to us, we will still feel bad for our behaviour. We will wish that we could have responded differently. Instead of blaming the narcissist, we will take responsibility for our actions. But an abusive narcissist will never do any of that. They will put full responsibility for all of their problems onto you. They will shift the blame onto you. And in the rare case that they do give a fake apology, they will always have a reason or excuse for why they did what they did. They always have to minimise what they've done. They cannot accept being at fault. They always have to have someone else to blame. But if you're not the narcissist, and you're just someone who has engaged in reactive abuse, you're not going to hold someone else responsible for your actions. You're going to accept that you made the choice to act in that way. This is how you know what they did. This is how you act in that way. This is how you know that you're not the narcissist. If you feel bad about your actions, if you can openly talk about it, if you don't feel the need to shift the blame onto someone else, if you're not only outlining the bad things about the other person, this is what separates us from narcissists. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonated with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. Click the bell icon to receive notifications for my future videos. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coach and inquire you to email me at nativipcoaching.com Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.