 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Johnathan Assey of JohnathanAssey.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five unique qualities men find super attractive and sexy. But what is it hot and attractive? Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations when it comes to dating, mating, or relating. So you make up your mind for yourself if this resonates with you or not. All right, let's talk about those qualities that men find super sexy, hot, and attractive. So let's face it, it's incredibly difficult. The dating process today, dating, mating, or relating is incredibly difficult. And it's no wonder it's difficult to find a life mate because the dating process has changed so dramatically in the last 60 to 100 years. In fact, I want you to think back 60, 70, 80, 100 years ago, for the most part people met people that lived in their tribe, in their village, their town, or most likely their workplace. So for the most part, you were meeting people who you already had a little sense of who they were. They weren't complete strangers as we're meeting today. And why do I harp on this over and over and over again? Because what's one of the first things we're taught about strangers, the word stranger danger, you start to keep away from strangers. So as children, we've been adopted to be fearful of strangers. And this is why the dating process tends to hyper focus on chemistry and romance to ignite some sort of connection between two people. Let me repeat that, the expectation is based on chemistry and romance to ignite some sort of connection between two people. And certainly this has been our mating practice for since time in the beginning, for the most part, based on attraction. And yet most people don't really recognize the deeper importance of what it takes to make a relationship work. And one of the deeper importance, is that the right way of saying it? One of the most important factors for a relationship is emotional safety as emotional safety. And why I'm saying this certainly unlike in the past, because for the most part in our past, the dynamic were men were the hunters, the providers, the protectors, and women were the nurturers of the children. And yet these days that has shifted dramatically in the last 50 or 60 years since certainly women now are absolutely in a position to financially take care of themselves. So it isn't based on that hunting for food and the bow and arrow and that sort of thing. So women are in a position to financially take care of themselves, meaning that they're no longer dependent upon men for their own individual survival. I'm gonna repeat that. Now that isn't true for all, but for the most part, most women aren't necessarily dependent upon men for their survival. So the traditional norms don't exist today. This is why, and when I come back to emotional safety, is that for the most part, men haven't really developed their emotional skills to be in relationship because they've been from our instinctual perspective, from our biological perspective, it's all been centered around being the provider protector. So our role is just bringing the money to take care of the family, bringing the money to take care of the family. Although this is where it gets tricky because given that my audience is predominantly midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, the vast majority of people in the demographic that I talk to are divorced, okay? Roughly about 75% of people over 45 years old who are single and out there in the dating realm are divorced. Now what that usually comes with is a lot of emotional trauma with divorce. And one of those traumas happens to be a lack of desire to be a provider protector for someone new or even the past relationship because there's this legal imposition that causes this. And I'm not saying it shouldn't be there. I'm just saying it shifts that narrative. So coming back to what I was talking about earlier about emotional safety, why this is so more important today than ever before is because the reality is is a woman can take care of herself. She doesn't need a man. She isn't dependent upon a man. This is why I get this advice from women all the time. Jonathan, can you coach men? Jonathan, can you coach men? I get it because men are rather dysfunctional in their ability to communicate their emotions or their ability to be vulnerable, to be authentic and transparent. Now they have a difficulty of doing it. Now just because a woman can be vulnerable, authentic and transparent, doesn't mean she's actually really good at it. And as I say in my videos continually, just because a woman can vomit her feelings doesn't mean it's actually being delivered to someone where you can be seen, heard and understood. Because the reality is today, the dating process is so effing dysfunctional because we have a significant percentage of people that are meeting through these devices. And as I threw our devices, and as I said before, we're meeting total strangers. And the hard part about meeting a stranger is you don't know whether or not they're an emotional grown-up. That is that person an emotional grown-up. In fact, from my point of view, and I'm not saying this is a fact, I just believe that the vast majority of humans are rather emotionally dysfunctional or have weak relationship skills. If you're not familiar with my chart that I share almost on every video, my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, by the way, this is not a fact, it's an opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population, at least here in the United States, has clinical issues, clinical issues, which makes it very difficult for them to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. And as you can see here, over here I say about 20% of the population is emotionally healthy. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say 20%. It's probably closer to 5%. And that makes the vast majority of humans in this dysfunctional range. And by the way, I know my audience is women, I'm gonna say those numbers are equal for men and women. I know women tend to have a propensity to believe that they're more emotionally mature and have better relationship skills than men. You don't necessarily do that with men. And let me share why I know this. There was this TV show on Showtime called Couples Therapy, Couples Therapy. And it was hidden cameras in couples therapy sessions. This wasn't some dramatic reality TV, even though it was more like a reality documentary. But it showed the couples therapy sessions and women were just as bad at expressing themselves to their partners as the men. And by the way, there were heterosexual couples, there was a gay and lesbian couple and a gay couple in the show. And they're equally bad at expressing themselves. And this is why sometimes it's incredibly frustrating out there. This is why I repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly recommend doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work to actually get better in your own individual life so you can be a better communicator. It's why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? By the way, there's a link below to get my book. And the reason why I'm bringing this up right now, this is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And one of the things I bring up in this book are all the reading materials and all the resources I use to get to a place of awareness that I didn't have when I was younger. In fact, let me be candid with you all. I was having dinner with my oldest friends last weekend. And they were sharing with me, we were talking about old stories. And these are guys that I mean, I've known 35 plus years. And they were telling me about 20 years ago, what a jackass I was. I was so in my egoic state when I'd gotten this quarter million dollar a year job with this company and I started a whole branch and division. And I was a real jackass. I was so doped up, doped up on that egoic chemical that happens when you have a little bit of power in your life. And the way I communicated with my friends, the way I operated was incredibly, incredibly dysfunctional. And it wasn't until I lost everything and I was in the pit of despair that I had a choice because my choice was I can get busy living or get busy dying to quote a line from the movie Shawshank Redemption. And I literally was on the brink of wanting to commit suicide. And in that moment, I realized that I had a choice. And in that choice, I chose therapy. I chose personal development work. I chose spiritual work to get on a path of better understanding about who I am, why am I here and actually have an opportunity to live a fulfilling life. And one of those fundamental principles of living a happy fulfilling life is to be able to be vulnerable, to be authentic and transparent. And why I'm bringing this up is because that's the cornerstone to emotional safety, that ability to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent because that's where intimacy lies. Intimacy means into me you see, into me you see. And folks, I'm gonna say men need help in this area. Men need help in this area. This is why I've been, lately I've been rereading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. I highly recommend Brene Brown's work because she really does a deep dive into the healing of our emotional traumas or at least a stepping stone to healing emotional trauma. So an individual can be ready for a healthy happy relationship into demons. And by the way, everything I'm sharing here today goes for men and women alike. In fact, what I'm about to share these five super sexy, hot attractive qualities go for men and women alike. This isn't singular to one gender because it's important for all genders to do work because here's the bottom line. If the majority of people are dysfunctional, I don't care how romantic the beginning stages of dating are and you get that guy that you can just sit back in your feminine energy and he's gonna claim you because he's driven by his testosterone and he wants to fuck your brains out. And then all of a sudden he goes and disappears and he's emotional constipated. Well, wouldn't you rather figure that out right before you have sex with a guy? This is why folks I continually say this over and over again. Before the penis goes inside the vagina, read the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. And the reason why I recommend this over and over and over again is because this teaches you the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship because here's the bottom line. If you wanna be perceived as hot and attractive to your guy, then hopefully you're choosing an emotionally mature man. And let's hope that you're emotionally mature as well. Because here's the thing, men who are driven by control, men who are driven by their ego, men that are driven by their libido, they basically unconsciously, they unconsciously choose women that they can take advantage of. And I don't mean that in a conscious sense but in an unconscious sense because just because a guy, see men, a lot of egoic men operate, well, I gave her an orgasm, so I'm a giver. Some guys aren't even good at doing that. Let's be real here for a second. But just because a guy can give a woman an orgasm doesn't mean he's giving his heart, doesn't mean he's giving his time, doesn't mean he's giving his attention. And more importantly, doesn't mean that he cares about your feelings. Real trust in a relationship is built. Real trust in a relationship is built. When the other person's feelings matter to you as much, matters to you as much as it matters to them. Let me repeat that. Trust isn't about fidelity per se. Real trust is your feelings matter to me as much as I've mattered. Your feelings matter to me as much as it matters to you. And think about how many people are having sex right now first, second, third, fourth, fifth, 10th date where they don't actually even know each other that well. In some cases, they don't know their last names. In a lot of cases, you don't even know the person's actual birthday. And more so when I said this over and over again, they don't even know the person's favorite color. But the penis gets to go inside that vagina with almost no jumping through hurdles. In fact, there's a saying, men are the gas, women are the brakes. There's also another saying, women choose who they have sex with, men choose who they have a relationship with or commitment with. And I'm here to say bullshit to all that. You both should be deciding who you wanna be in relationship and you both should be deciding when it's time to have sexual intercourse. Oh my God, that sounds so clinical, what I just said. But I think you get the point of where I'm going here. So ultimately, what's gonna shift this narrative? Folks, it's gonna start by asking better questions in the early stage of dating. I did a short video this morning talking about this new phrase called hardballing. I call it radical honesty. It's what I've been teaching in my private coaching for years. By the way, there's a link below in the description if you'd like to schedule a discovery call with me. My whole coaching practice is designed to teach you how to ask better questions based on your personality to determine, is this guy compatible with me? Is this person compatible with me? Is this person an emotional grownup? And by the way, there are just as many dysfunctional women out there as there are men. Men should be listening to this as well. You know, the sad criticism I get from men on my channel, I just read a comment earlier. Some guy said, you must be gay. You must be gay. It just cracks me up. It just cracks me up that that's the perception because I can communicate in a vulnerable, authentic, transparent way and that's perceived as something. And again, I don't even like to put the judgment or the connotation around that. Who cares about someone's sexual orientation? What's matters most is, are you being the best person you can be? That's what matters most. And I do my best for my audience to be, as I said, vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And yes, I'm gonna get some haters along the way. I get it. But at the same time, I'm trying to lead by example. That's all I'm doing my best is to lead by example. And I'm here to say, ladies, it's time to let go of this narrative. You can just sit back and let the guy lead. A relationship, I was having a conversation with someone today, my Pilates instructor, which I talk about her frequently. But I bring her up is because she asked me a question. I said, a real healthy relationship is something where two people are co-creating it. Two people are co-creating it. It's not this one up, one down type of dynamic. If you really wanna have a healthy, happy relationship, then look at it as traveling on a road at two lane street and you're both traveling together in two separate cars until you decide to merge together in that one car. And yes, on some level, and it's about taking turns who is in the driver's seat on some level. Anyways, I'm getting off on my tangents as I usually do. You're probably going, Jonathan, what are those five unique qualities that men find super sexy and attractive? Well, let's just jump into that right now. By the way, did what I just say make sense? Did it make sense? Please post a comment below that you resonated with that. Please let me know. All right, here's my notes for our comment today. Let's talk about this right now. So number one, and by the way, this goes both ways. Number one, if you wanna seem super sexy and attractive, super hot and attractive to your partner, then begin to express your needs, wants and desires clearly. I'm gonna repeat that, express your needs, wants and desires clearly versus expecting someone to read your mind. Folks, human beings can't read each other's minds and it's time to start. This is basically the fundamentals of standards and boundaries, standards and boundaries. So let me give an example of expressing oneself. And ladies, I'm highly recommending you do this even on the telephone before you go out on it. Listen, before you go out on a date someone, start asking better questions to determine if you're on the same page with one another. So an example might be in it, something I talk about frequently. You might be speaking to a guy, well, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's my standard. And I'm here, do you see how crystal clear that is? Like expressing my needs, wants and desires? Now, for some people they might go, look, I'm only good for one day every other week. Well, then we're misaligned in what we want. But I'm gonna tell you something, when you express yourself in a clear, concise way your needs, wants and desires, the right man, that emotionally healthy man is gonna say, sign me up for that. Now, I know it's a little difficult because some of you say, well, Jonathan, I've got a lot of men tell me they want a relationship. Folks, there's two types of relationships. There are the relationship you spend time with someone or there's a relationship where you're growing with someone. And I prefer to be with someone who wants to grow versus spending time. So let me give you an example of spending time with someone. That looks like this. You just moved into an apartment and you're watching TV together. That's spending time together. That might mean you go out to dinners and watch TV and play, you know, watch Netflix all day long. Building something is saying, hey, let's put a second story on this house. Let's put a third story on this house. That's what building a relationship is. It's going beyond the surface of just spending time together. So coming back to my original comment, express your needs, wants and desires in a clear, concise way versus expecting someone to read your mind. Okay. Number two, stand out from the crowd. Stand out from the crowd. Folks, I'm a single man on the dating apps. You know, if I open up Tinder, for example, just using that as an example, I'm going to tell you that most profiles look like crap. They look like crap. I mean, none of them stand out. There's such an ambivalence with so many men and women that they put a terrible representation of themselves. Folks, we are in an environment where there's all this perceived choice. It's a perceived choice. It's not real choice, it's perceived choice. And here's the bottom line. Garbage in, garbage out. So if you're putting a terrible representation of yourself, if you're not standing out from the crowd, by the way, the women, I saw a woman's profile total. I mean, I should show it to you right now, but it would be probably compromising her. But immediately I saw her profile. I'm like, wow. And not because she was attractive. It's because her quality photographs. It wasn't the sushi platerade or the picture of her dog's face in there. You know, I mean, it was, all of the photos were crystal clear, attractive photographs. She stood out from the crowd. And so many of you are men in, by the way, men are just as bad as women as well. You're ambivalent. That ambivalence is incredibly unattractive. And let me just tell you something, ladies. How many times have you complained about the guy holding the fish, wearing sunglasses, wearing the goiters up to his chest? And you're going, I can't tell what he looks like and all you see is the fish. Well, it's the same for you. And by the way, I can't tell you how many Snapchat filter crap I see on women's profiles. And that is super unattractive. If you want to stand, if you really want to be hot and attractive to someone super hot and attractive, then stand out from the crowd. Listen, these days it requires a lot more effort than in the past because we live in this gigantic vortex of people and we have to sift through a lot of people just to get to a date. And here's the thing. And I know dating sucks. Listen, it sucks having to filter and go through so many. But I like what Matthew Hussie says. Be generous with your prospecting. That's my word, not his word. Be generous with your prospecting and be absolutely, what's the word he use? Be very diligent with who you actually meet. In other words, prospect the fuck out. Go through as many profiles as you want. And I get it, it's frustrating as you see one crappy one after another and we men see nothing but crap after another either, as well. This is the dysfunctionality I talk about. This is the quintessential dysfunctionality is, it's like you're trying to get a job with the company you want most, but you woke up in your pajamas and they're all wrinkled and your hair is disheveled and you took your pictures and said, I'm gonna send this in my resume. That's what people are doing today. And you wonder why it's so fucked up. So, shift that narrative stand out in the crowd. Number three, this is super sexy attractive for men and women like, have your act together and be responsible. Listen, not that this happens all the time the guy's living in the basement with his parents or whatnot, but having someone to act together means you're responsible in your life. You pay your bills on time, you go to work on time. You meet your obligations, you're a responsible person, you have your act together. And I can tell you, I've talked to men who have complained about women who are absolutely in debt up to the ying ying and they're being sued by everyone that they live around. I'm making that up. Or men that have this, by the way, it's gonna be very difficult to be attractive to someone if you don't have your act together. And I think that goes without saying. Number four, this is incredibly hard when I'm about to share. And that is, that is flirting skills. I gotta tell you, if you wanna ignite a relationship it's gonna require good flirting skills. And this is the hardest because it seems like most humans don't have good social skills because these devices in the last couple of decades has ruined it for us. So I'm not an expert at flirting. I would go and watch some videos on flirting but the better. And by the way, sexy flirting is incredibly attractive to both men and women. And I know it's, and by the way, sometimes ladies, all it takes is you for to ignite it from a guy and it's gonna come out. So good flirting skills. And lastly, and most importantly, what's super sexy attractive and hot is self love. Coming back to my book, what the heck is self love anyway? Self love. This book is about self worth, self confidence, self esteem, self reliance. There is nothing more attractive than a human being who actually embodies that sense of self worth. Look at, we're all riddled with laws. We're all riddled with laws but there's a big difference between the person who's doing nothing to heal versus that person that's actually, whether they're going to therapy, whether they're going to workshop, whether they're reading books like this book, the gifts of imperfections are the ones I'm talking about. Here's a great book you should all be reading. How to be an adult in relationship. How to be an adult in relation. This is the kind of stuff that if you wanna shift the narrative, then start doing the work. And this is all encompasses self love because when you can learn, there is nothing more loving than learning something new. I'm gonna repeat that. There's nothing more, there's a lot of things more loving. But these one of the top things that is very loving is learning something new. So I'm here to invite you all to do a deep dive into this work so you can actually show up with your sovereignty, your self-reliance, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-worth, your self-love because that is super sexy, attractive and hot. All right. I went much longer than I usually on this portion of my video. I think you get the gist of where I'm going. I'm gonna repeat that really quickly. Express your needs and wants and desires in a clear, concise way versus expecting someone to read your mind. Stand out from the crowd, have your act together, learn flirting skills and lastly, loving on yourself. Does that make sense? Does this resonate with you? If it is, give me a big amen and excuse my armpit stains. All right. I think it's time for our Q&A which is my favorite part of this part of the broadcast. So if you're watching the live stream right now, there's a chat box there. You can write the word question and post the question there after it makes it easier for me to read or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies of the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asleg. That's my son there, Connor, who passed away a few years ago. That's him there. And that's him. So cute. And in his honor, I've started the scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for folks who seeking personal development help as well as donating to charities like the Hoffman Process Insights Seminars. I give away several thousand dollars recently to them and it all came from your donation. So thank you so much. So there's a little dollar sign right there. And just as a way to say thank you to me, it really means a lot. So let's jump in. By the way, we have our Dory mug. Just keep swimming. You said you would take off your shirt if you had pit stains. Okay, someone just wrote that so I'm gonna do that real quick. Heather, thank you. I'm not gonna take it off. All right, everyone says amen. Thank you so much. Okay, what is the best way to build attraction with a man? What's the best, okay. So folks, if you're not familiar with my relationship, Iceberg, most of you are, you can see the word attraction above the waterline. That's chemistry. But compatibility is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. What you really want to do, which instead of building attraction, okay, instead of building attraction, how about deciding is this person compatible with me? Because here's the thing. Chemistry is something elusive. It really is. I mean, I've gone out with beautiful women I've had no chemistry with. And I'm not saying that it has to always do with looks. But to some degree, we associate chemistry with physical attractiveness. But I've gone out with women who are very beautiful that I'm not attracted to or not had chemistry with. And I have other women that may not be considered attract beautiful by society standards who I had incredible chemistry with, okay? So chemistry is an elusive thing. It's not about building attraction. My invitation for everyone, it's more about determining if you're compatible with one another. That matters more. Does this person share my values? Does this person share my values? Does this person's life, can they fit into mine? Let me give you an example of blendable lifestyles. So I think one of the challenges I have today for my own personal life is that I'm, the older one person, the older a person gets the kind of more rigid they become in their life. And I just have certain things that I wanna do with my partner. But I'm not a jock type. And I remember seeing one woman's profile who lives nearby. And I mean, her pictures were mountain climbing and biking down mountains and repelling and water rafting and all this stuff. And I mean, I get that, and I said, and I wrote her, she wrote me on Bumble and I wrote her back. I said, you know, it seems like you're an incredibly active person. You're an athletic person. I didn't use the word jock, but my mind was thinking she's a jock. And I thought to myself, you know, she probably would be better suited with a jock. So I asked her, would you prefer someone who's athletic in all the things you do? And she said, yes. And I said, that's not me. Even though physically I was attracted to her and I know I could have gone out with her and dated her for a while. And most likely we could have slept together cause all that bullshit is easy to do these days. Only to find out that I'm not gonna do 90% of the things she likes to do. And she's gonna then go, I don't wanna be with him cause he doesn't do those things. So you have to start thinking ahead. Does this person fit? This person fit into my, I'm using that one example, but can this person's fit into my life and vice versa? So I went off on a huge tangent there, Ms. Cooper. But I'm not a big believer in building attraction. I'm a big believer in determining if two people are compatible with one another. Does this make sense? If yes, give me a thumbs up. All right, thank you for that question. Angela says, I love your content. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. All right, if you have a question, post the word. Oh, here we go. Sal writes, Sal, great. Question, as a man, how would you like to hear a request discussing sharing chores when planning to move in together that I would like him to clean the bathroom and he can feel safe to say yes or no? Okay, Sal, I just picked up this book. It's called, I Hear You. I Hear You, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. I highly recommend you reading this. Let me give you an example. So one of the steps is the four steps to validation, four steps to validation. Now, one example here, oh God, I probably lost it. Where is that page? Oh, so I'm using this as an example, but this isn't necessarily fits your question. But an invalidating response would sound something like this. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You did a great job. That would be an invalidating response. A validating response would be, I'm sorry, honey, it's tough getting up, getting up there in front of the whole school like that, especially when you're performing. Is there anything specific you're worried about? Obviously that was to a child, so I didn't know that picking that up. When I read that, but the point is, I highly recommend getting this book to learning better communication skills along with the book by Marshall Rosenberg. It's called Nonviolent Communication. By the way, this should have been titled Compassionate Communication, Compassionate Communication. Now I know a lot of my contemporaries would say something like, sweetheart, it would feel really good if you do this. As if that's magically going to work, it'd be really good if you do this. Well, you know what, that could also seem rather selfish. It's about what it would feel good to me if you did this. Well, what about what would feel good to him? It reminds me of the line from the movie, the breakup with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. And there's, oh, by the way, this is going to be perfect for your question, but there's a scene where they had a dinner party. It's in the beginning of the movie. They have a dinner party and she's cleaning up the house and she's asking him to clean up the house with them. And he's playing video games. And he's like, and she keeps bugging him and bugging him and bugging him. And she's like, I want you to clean up the house. And she kept saying, I want you to want to clean up the house. And his response was, why would I want to clean up the house? In other words, I don't want to do that. So here's the bottom line. And this reminds me of the book by Ariel Ford. Ariel Ford, she wrote the book called Soulmate's Secret. She wrote another book called Wabi Sabi Love. Wabi Sabi Love. And the idea is Wabi Sabi is looking for the perfection in the imperfection. What I mean to say is every human has good qualities and every human has some not so good qualities. And oftentimes we judge, criticize the not so good qualities and instead of accepting those for what they were. So in this particular case in the Vince Vaughn story, and maybe in this case as well, maybe you just accept that they're not good at what you want them to do and it's okay you do that. So long as the relationship has balanced to it, balanced to it. Remember I said earlier, relationships should look like a two lane street, like two cars traveling a street together. This is why I continually recommend checking out this book, Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov. Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukov. This is a great book to understand how to approach a relationship from a co-creative perspective. Remember I said that earlier? A co-creative perspective. These days that, listen, ladies in particular, you have this fantasy, the way you look at relationships is men know what they're doing and I'm here to say most men are fucking clueless. They're not bad guys. It's just they've been hyper focused. Remember I said earlier on being the provider protector that they don't know anything other than paying the bill, most men, not all, but most men other than wanting to fuck is all they know is their job is to pay the bills. And by the way, in midlife, they're not even doing that. This is why I'm such a big proponent. Listen, okay two things I wanna bring up. Remember earlier in the conversation I said we're meeting total strangers. You better check out this book, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell. What you don't, what you should know about the people you don't know. You're meeting strangers, but after you've developed some sort of attraction for one another, it's incredibly important to check out this book called Emotional Intimacy. Emotional Intimacy. As I said in the beginning of this broadcast, what relationships are so lacking today is emotional safety. That ability to be vulnerable, to be authentic, to be transparent, to say into me's intimacy, into me you see. Folks, what's missing today in most relationships is genuine trust. Genuine trust, meaning your feelings matter to me as much as they matter to you. I mean that's, I've said this before on videos. Do you know what I love you means to Jonathan Asley? It means I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here. That means I'm present. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm present. You matter. That's saying you're important to me. We are important. That means the relationship is a separate entity and that's equally important to me. By the way, I always have to say this in my head. I'm here. I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. That's what I'm talking about. That's what trust is, knowing that that person has your back. And yet the penis gets to go inside the vagina before that ever gets created in most cases. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm rooted in this relationship and I only want you. That means you're the only person I want to fuck. That means I want monogamy with you. So rather than being naive to all this, I'm here to suggest a different way of looking at things. And that is, folks, ladies, I know you love the idea that men are the leaders of relationship, but what's the number one search term for women out in the dating realm? Why are commitment phobic? Why are men emotionally unavailable? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? Ladies, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't give that to a man. And by the way, he's in charge of his relationship destiny, too. And with you're an emotionally mature person, you can do it together. And I invite emotional intimacy because that builds, I invite intimacy because that builds emotional safety. And when you feel emotionally safe, you got a kick ass relationship. And excuse the pit stains again. All right, I know I've went off on the tangent, Sal, but I hope I covered your question. Thank you so much for that. I really appreciate it. All right, let's see what we got here. I wanna thank Daphne for the $20 Super Sticker. And I saw Heather gave a Super Sticker as well. I wanna thank you so much for that. All right, Joanne says, do you agree that women that have had absent fathers tend to choose emotionally unavailable men? So, Joanne, excuse me, great question. If you're not, by the way, let me just say this. Every human being has a propensity to choose someone like their parents. If you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, this book is called Getting the Love You Want, Getting the Love You Want. It talks about the amago, the amago. Let's just say it in the back, the amago. What that means is we have a propensity to choose people that are either like our parents or our original caretakers in our lives from an emotional level. And we're constantly seeking validation from that person instead of finding that validation within ourselves. So yes, it is very likely that you are choosing emotionally unavailable. By the way, most fathers were rather emotionally unavailable to their daughters. It's no wonder, and don't, no disrespect for this, but it's no wonder men or women have daddy issues and men have mommy issues. You know, moms can be just as dysfunctional as well in the way they raise their kids. There's a picture of my mom and dad, byproduct of a different culture. My parents were from Istanbul, Turkey. And believe me, I had a fucked up childhood. I didn't have, I mean, I had a garden variety fucked up childhood. I mean, do you know when I was a kid, my parents showed a video, a eight millimeter film of a time where we're in the park or where there was a family gathering at a park with lots of other families. And I think I'm three or four years old and all the kids are running around, all the kids are running around. And my mom couldn't handle me. So she kept me in a crib the entire time while all the kids were playing and you could see me holding the bars and I'm crying. And that's, and as an adult, not that I have a vivid memory of that, but that's the way I was raised. By the way, folks, I know many of you see me as someone who's really a catch from your perspective. Believe me, I've had plenty of offers recently from many of you to want to go out and date. I'm just as riddled with flaws like any one of you. The only difference is I learned to communicate. And this is a skill that's taken a lot of years to get to where I'm at today. So don't put me up on a pedestal because listen, I'm as dysfunctional as the next person. I just happen to be closer to the healthy side than the clinical side. But anyway, I might have clinical issues. What do I know about myself? Anyway, Joanne, I went off on a tangent there. Oh, and by the way, I used to tend to choose someone like my mom. I'm a God, I would say my last significant relationship, no disrespect to her, but it was, I had to heal my mom's shit. So here's the thing. The good news is, do the healing in less than one year and then move on. And by the way, if you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, I highly recommend this book so you can understand your love attachment style because that leans into directly the conversation you were just having, Joanne. So I highly recommend that as well. So great question. Thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. All right, I think we have time for one or two more. Oh, Julya says, all right, Ms. Ford, thank you for the 20 francs, I appreciate it, or pounds, I can't tell. Shelly says, cute mug, here's my let's go swimming mug. By the way, this was a gift from one of you beautiful folks out there. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate that. I gotta tell you, some of you folks are so beautifully kind to me ever since, by the way, many of you sent beautiful letters about my son, Connor. I can't begin to thank you enough for that. The gifts you sent me, the cards you sent me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea how much that makes my day and from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. All right. All right, let's see. Trace, I just wanna give, Trace says, 36 years married, hubby passed away 18 months ago, wanna start dating but don't want to, to God. I don't know your last part of that question. Let me just give you a big, gigantic job and bear a hug of love. Interesting enough, my mom passed away four years ago, fuck. It'll be five years in November. My father, who's 96 years old is still kicking it. I mean, this guy's gonna live to be 100. There's a good chance he might outlive my mom by 10 years. I really do believe that that's possible. And I feel bad for him because I kinda always thought my mom and dad would go at the same time. Now he's at the later stage of his life, but could you imagine to be 96 since wanting, you want your life mate, I mean, it's like the movie notebook. You really wanna just die in each other's arms. That's how my dad feels. And yet he's still kicking it, blows me away. He fell down recently and broke his leg. And at 96 he was operated and he was back to walking within a week, it blows me away. So the guy is Superman as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, coming back to this. Dating is a challenge out there, there's no doubt. And I invite everyone to do the healing work needed so you can actually lean into a new relationship. And I'm not an expert at this. I mean, after losing Connor, I did a video about losing loved one. You know, I'm gonna post a video on that, look for it in the next week or so. I'll respond to that in a video that I shot. I'll post that video I shot. Trace, thank you so much for that one, I really appreciate it. All right, we're gonna take one more question. Oh, Heather, thank you, question. Is it a bad idea to post bikini swimwear photos? I live close to the water. I love swimming and even winter ice dips. I like water loves. So that's a great question. I think one photograph in a bikini is great. I'll tell you why, because it lets a man, the entire, you gotta see the top to bottom, okay? Now, please don't have your boobs hanging out from the top, okay? Because that's gonna, it has to be tasteful enough versus tacky. I will tell you tacky photographs will ignite our arousal. And all we wanna do is have sex with you. So I would have one tactfully placed bikini shot. I'm gonna see if I have a friend on a dating app. Maybe I can show hers real quick, if I can find it, probably can't. But she has a very tactful bikini shot. And that's what I would recommend is a tactful bikini shot, just one only. And again, don't accentuate the boobs and everything because then we're gonna focus on the sex and not who you are. But yes, a body shot is great, and a tactful bikini would be great. All right, that's my perception anyway, but that's cause I'm a red-blooded guy. All right, Jennifer says, emotional connection is missing in relationships. People can't go deep and share their deepest feelings because of fear. This frustrates me having done work on myself. Yes, the vast majority of human beings, men and women alike, have done little or no personal development work so they can lean into a healthy happy relationship. In fact, emotional maturity seems to be lacking in folks these days. So I get it. This is why you have to be diligent in your prospecting and very, excuse me, generous with your prospecting and diligent with who you actually meet and how you determine emotional maturity and ask better questions right from the get-go. Instead of, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Hoping you have a blessed day. Everybody is hyper-focused on how great their day is instead of saying something like, have you ever done therapy? You know what? I tested this once with a woman, a dating app. I think it was the second question I asked her. I said, have you ever done therapy? And it turns out she was a psychologist. I didn't know that going in and we ended up having a great conversation. Didn't turn into a date, but she was like, it started, ignited a conversation. So I told this in a video before, start by asking, can I ask you a personal question? How emotionally fucked up are you? I'm sorry. I know that sounds kind of funny, but why not be bold? Stop this trivial. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Be bold. Be bold. You know what? I was watching a TikTok video the other day. I wanna share this and then we'll wrap up this video on this note. So in this TikTok video, it was a man who was communicating with a woman on a dating app and her name happened to be Kelsey, K-E-L-S-Y, I think, but she spelled it a different way and the autocorrect corrected to whatever the traditional way is. And her first response was, you know you spelled my name wrong and his response was red flag. Now, let me tell you why. And I think this is a valid thing because that's a level of emotional maturity. Her first reaction was to attack him, to judge him, to criticize him, instead of saying, hey, just, you know, instead of having a conversation, and by the way, just a heads up, I spell my name. By the way, Jonathan, for example, if you look at my name listed right there, you can't see it if you're listening to the audio, but my name is J-O-N-A-T-H-O-N. My name gets misspelled all the time. Now, I don't correct someone because I know it's gonna be misspelled all the time. If I did, if I said, oh, you know you spelled my name wrong, I mean, that's literally, that's a red flag instead of saying, hey, by the way, you know, you could end the conversation. Hey, just to give you a heads up, my name is spelled this way. So people are giving you clues all the time to their emotional maturity. It's when you learn to pick up the clues, you'll be able to better predict what's gonna happen next. In fact, I'm thinking I should create a test for you to determine this. Let's talk about that in another video. All right, listen, has this content resonated with you? Please say yes, please say amen, please say thank you in the chat box so I know this is making a difference, everyone. If my content is making a difference, do me a favor and share this video with your friends. Please hit that like button. And if you'd like to connect with me, there's a link to my Instagram account in the description. There's my book you can purchase. There's my group coaching called Midlife Love Mastery. And if you'd like to work with me personally as a coach, my area of expertise is teaching it how to ask those right questions to determine if you're compatible with one other. Check out the link to a free discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give inter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Sherry and Trace and Foster and Shelley and Diaz and Sandra and Deb and Pamela and Jane and Linda and Colleen and Jacqueline and Theresa and Jenny and Lisa Marie and Natalie and Irish Paula and Pamela and Abby and Lisa Marie. I said that CC public service announcement. Everyone, thank you so much. Wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. Bye-bye now.