 U.A. remember him from playing with heart or death to Smoochie? He was on Caroline's Comedy Hour and he performs all around town. He was also at the New York Mental Health State Division. That was one of his gigs. Without further ado, let's welcome Mr. John Stewart. Very nice. Do you feel like after you made your announcement that you were retiring, do you feel like you have like a zillion Jewish moms being like, what are you doing? He says he's eating. What are you eating? What are you going to have for the next meal? Should I prepare the next meal? You know, I had a thousand Jewish moms before I announced anything, so it doesn't... Whenever you do a show about current events, that's, you know, everybody will, is that really what you think about Israel? It's just, it's just something that we came up with on the show. It's just saying, I mean, you should educate yourself on the settlements. That's all I'm saying. If you're not educated, I mean, I noticed you worked on Yom Kippur. I mean, I didn't say anything. I don't know why you did it. It's just, you know, you have children. I know your wife, God forbid, she's Catholic, but the important thing is, it's lovely. After you made your big announcement, was there a split second when you thought, well, what have other Comedy Central hosts, brilliant comedians also done after they've made a major announcement? Did you feel like, oh, I should split and go to Africa? No, I mean, I'm not concerned, you know, I've got a great opportunity to, I'm going to be a featured blogger on the Huckington Post. So, you know, I'm real, I'm excited about that. They said I was going to be automatically like one of their top 150. You know, for me, blogging is just an outlet. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle. So I'm excited about it. Outside of Arby's, have you gotten any other exciting job offers? No, so far just Arby's. The Arby's thing is the weirdest thing on the show. We always do, people, we do a thing about Arby's just in general where we say things like, this segment brought to you by Arby's, because your memory is not as strong as your hunger, you know, or something like that, like, you know, Arby's, you know, just terrible things about Arby's. And people always say, what do you have against Arby's? And the truth is, I don't think I've ever eaten there. I think it's literally just a comic trope. It has nothing to do with anything. And they're the nicest people in the world, and they consistently send us food after that. Is that right? Yeah, it's the weirdest. So now I start mentioning Shake Shack, nothing. Again, nothing. So Arby's, for some reason, they're just like, hey, he's shit on us, send him a sandwich. Like, it's very interesting. They're lovely people. Now, before the Daily Show, you had an illustrious career in acting and hosting and... Oh, they were going to say waiting. I also did that. And modeling also. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah. That's before, and now if you saw a picture of me like that, you'd think I was an otter. Like, I've become slightly more hearsuit as the time has gone on. There'd be a large Russian man with a club trying to hit me over the head to take my pelt. But yeah, that was for the original MTV talk show, which was 1993, I think, something like that. Right after Marky Mark had... So Marky Mark had done his big ad campaign and I thought, what's he got that I don't have other than a body? That does not look amorphous in pear shape. So I thought, well, geez, why not? You're more of an apple. Do you think that's an apple? I appreciate that. I see it more as like a pear or, in some respects, an apple on top of a kumquat. You don't really... Yeah, either way. Not a good luck. Before the Daily Show, you were already very political. Now I'm very nervous as to what's going to happen behind me. Now I have a girlfriend from high school who's being like, he can't fuck for shit. Every time something happens, I'm just going to turn around. Hey, look at that. Is that true? It's everyone I've ever failed. Oh, beautiful. Look at that. Is that true? About, oh, yeah, probably. I mean, no one's going to tell you. I lost my... This is an interesting story. I lost my virginity in 1981. The girl appealed. I got it back. No wonder you did, Kat. Didn't lose it again until 83. To the same song. Is the perfect transition, perfect segue? Yes. Before the Daily Show, your comedy was already very political. I was curious, how far in, before you were like, all right, I'm gonna really focus on politics here. I really think we can have this as a niche. I never viewed it like that. I never really thought along those lines. You mean before the show or in terms of doing stand-up? In terms of doing the show, when were you like, you know what, I think we could really make this more of a niche. That was from the get-go. Okay. The first thing that I wanted to try and do was sort of shift the focus of it slightly towards more of the political systems in cable television and cable news and that sort of thing. It was just at the advent of those networks and things and they had just become a more potent force in the dialogue and in sort of generating the news cycle. It used to be, and it's still an interesting exercise to do, read the front page of the New York Times and then watch what the cable news organizations are talking about. It's as though they're in two completely separate worlds. So it was looking at what the more traditional newspapers had found relevant versus what this news cycle that's sole purpose was to, you know, these new networks, they are geared to catastrophe to a 9-11, that's when 24 hours of news somewhat serves their purpose. But without that, they have to turn the banal into the urgent. So they have to ratchet everything up. So it was just at the advent of that cycle. And for those of you who don't read, you can just turn on New York One because they read the headlines to you. I love New York One. Who can, who can not? It is, to me, it's like what you would want a 24 hour news network to do, but they watch and go like, no, fuck that, we're not gonna do that. It's like Newzac, like it's news, but like you can have it on in the elevator like as you're going up and just like. It's the only channel that Time Warner, like it works. It's the only one that ever works for me. They fuck you, Time Warner, it's, there's some sort of package like you can only get it if you get Time Warner. If you try and get any other cable system, they won't give you New York One. I think it's the way that they hold you. I think Pat Kiernan has like a special deal with them. I'm just kidding. Pat Kiernan could have, he could have a special deal. My favorite is the lady who does the kids stuff. Who she like has to go to a puppet show and then come back and tell you about it. But she's like 50, you know? She's like, your children will love it. And then she has to do like a wacky picture with a guy in a giant rhino suit or something, you know? It's awesome. Sounds like the beginning of Death of Smoochie. That hurts a little bit. Um, now that is an example of when you have a lot of brilliant people working on something and it may not pan out. Yeah. Well, it's like any, you know, party where there's a bong and you start talking. And, you know, everything's a good idea when you're high. And, and then you wake up in the morning and you look at what you wrote down and go chicken butt. I don't know what that is. I had a, but by the way, Death of Smoochie is one of my favorite things to work on. Danny DeVito who directed it is one of the most wonderful, inventive guys to be around. But my favorite part is, so we're with on the set, it's Ed Norton, Robin Williams. Catherine Keener. Catherine Keener. Brilliant, brilliant actors and me. And Danny is so, gets so mad at me because I can't do what these, like these other people can do all sorts of things, but like in a scene, I'm supposed to look mad. So we're in this big scene and there's a huge cast of extras and we're doing the scene and I've got this ridiculous fucking haircut. And, and I'm trying to, you know, you get Smoochie now. You know, and I hear cut. And Danny would come from where the camera is up to the stage, but Danny is tiny. So you don't see anybody. You just see like, like bushes moving. Like, like the extras are moving and parting. Like, like, like an Ewok through the forest. Like it's, so he finally like, you see rustling and you know something's coming and then all of a sudden these little head will pop out. And he'll yell at me and then head back into the forest. You always shit on yourself as an actor, but why don't we play a clip? I always shit on myself for a lot of things. I know, but well, yeah, we'll move forward. We'll go back to the other clip we were going to show first. We'll show them. I'm beginning to hate this screen. I have to tell you something. This doesn't begin with Trent. You're a nice guy, doesn't it? The problem I have with you. We have problems. He's a Jew. Go away. The truth is out there. He's a Jew. I don't deal with passion well. Maybe you don't like that loss of control. You know, there's a fire. There's a terrible fire in the room. We should get out of here. We're dying. We're being overcome by carbon monoxide. Tell me, don't I look like David DeCopney? Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Don't you want to make out with, you know. No, no, don't. I love, I love. Don't. He's gonna give it. Observe human condition and people kissing and that's, sometimes they touch the chin so I thought, I'll try that. What was it like then when you were directing actors who you thought were phenomenal and I'm speaking directly about Rosewater? What was it like to direct actors that were phenomenal? Yeah, because I feel like. It gave me a tremendous amount of sympathy for the people who had to direct me. You know, it's, well, what's, anytime you can create something and the people that you need to fill out these specific positions elevate that material in ways that are surprising or interesting, it's, you're very gratifying for you because you, you know, you may write something a certain way or you may envision it a certain way but they bring a certain inspiration to it or from a different direction that you would not have realized. So that's the beauty of the collaboration of the collaborative process. But you depend on that. And I think whenever I was acting I never felt like I was able to give that to the director or to the writer. And so whenever I was in those positions I felt, you know, that it's perfunctory. No one likes to be in a job where you know the other people who are working there like when they're done, they just go, do you know what I mean? It's not that it's terrible, but it's not, you can't elevate it. But it's very rare that comedians can cross over into acting because it's the inverse skill. That's correct. That's correct. And so what I could do is, you know, in terms of acting, be myself but like 10% matter or 10% happier. You know, I didn't, I don't have that gear. I don't know how to do it so well. So I used to say, you know, no matter how many movies I would have been in or any of that I'd never be an actor because there is a very specific quality and craft to it that I don't have the language for or the facility for. And that's not a self deprecation or a shitting. That's what I like to call a cold heart observation. But you give a good headshot. We have one of your early headshots. Oh God, I thought you said you give a good hand job. I was like, that, I don't know. That was at the evening's young. Okay, so my mother's friend, my mother had a friend whose son was a photographer. And he said, he'll do your headshots. It'll be not, you give him a hundred dollars and he'll do it. Just don't expect the top of your head to be in the picture. So that was, yeah, I was probably 23 maybe in that and still work in the Jew fro. It looks good, it looks good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did acting at all influence when you were directing? Out of all seriousness? No. Okay. What influenced me when I was directing was the process of doing the Daily Show much more than it is the acting process. Because again, it's about the collaboration. It's about understanding, doing the show taught me this kind of the process of clarity of vision but sort of flexibility of process. So know your intention, know where you're wanting to go with the scene, with the way that you want it to go, the momentum shifts, the emphasis where you want it to be but then be flexible enough to, one of the great things about the show is it's disposable in the sense that you're going incredibly fast. So you have to never be precious with the material. You can't claim ownership over ideas and things. You have to learn to read and react very quickly. And that served me, I thought, well on the set to be able to see a scene that I had designed very meticulously with writing, see it come alive with really good actors and know that it's not working and be able to say, okay, fuck this, let's throw that out and try the next iteration of it and where are you feeling it? Where, you know, tuning yourself to everybody else's ear. Let's show a clip of Rosewater for those of you who have not seen it yet. This is again, Jillian Anderson in a prison, in Iran. What if they were all Jillian Anderson? Oh, what, we're not doing that? Sorry, I don't know what happened. We're ready. Actually, that's my only move, unfortunately. I learned a lot from your movie. One of the things was that I had no idea that a Madinajad had so much power. I mean, in the same way that like sort of, I didn't know that Dick Cheney or that a vice president could have so much power until Dick Cheney was in office and it was the same way, I didn't, I thought that his role was more perfunctory than it was until I saw this film and I was curious. Well, I mean, I don't think he has, I mean, the power in Iran does still lie with the Supreme Leader, but I think part of the challenge, Ahmed Dinajad was the candidate that the Supreme Leader had chosen. So he really, he had power, but it could be removed and stripped at any point. It was just that the other candidate, the opposition candidate, Rouhani, who we call a moderate in the film and a reformer, but within the context of the Iranian regime. I mean, he was a guy that came up through Ayatollah Khomeini. But Rouhani was the candidate that the Supreme Leader did not want. And so Ahmed Dinajad's power and also his power came through sort of the revolutionary guard, which is the group that he controls more of. Maziar got, I think, 16 years, each year it increases in terms of his sentence. His sentence. Yeah, he has a Maziar Bahari, who is the journalist in the film, received a sentence in absentia. And he gets them added. And then he also got like 24 lashes or something like that. Yeah, I think 74 lashes. 74 lashes. And 16 years. And I think that's 74 lashes. Did you get any lashes? No, I didn't. I don't think I got lashes, but they did produce a 60 minute style news piece on me in Iran that ran on the Iranian state television, which explains that I'm a CIA and a Mossad agent that was working with, and I actually sent that to my mother and said, how can a Mossad agent hate Israel? I work for their intelligence service. But you must get a lot of death threats at the Daily Show and places like this. I was like, how do you know when to take them seriously? How do you stress them down? When they spell my name without an H. Usually the death threats that come in with the H, you can pretty much assured like, oh, he's going to have a hard time finding the place. But when they come in without the H, then you know, like, oh, we should hand that to security. Cause we, I mean, this is pre-911, but I went to school in DC and we got like two weeks off of school, cause did we get bomb threats and stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we thought it was great at the time, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any school that can get a bomb day, sure, you can get excited about that. I know when I was a kid, I used to stay up late and say to my parents, do you think we'll have a bomb day tomorrow? You know, and then obviously they'd say like, well, it's actually a delayed opening cause we just going to search and we'd be in a 10. Seeing Maziar in exile, I was curious how the movies changed his life. How the movie? Yeah. He's much more arrogant. Is that true? He's a lot, he does a lot of this now in cafes. Don't you know who I am? And then he shows them the cover of the movie and they're like, I'm sorry, nobody saw that. No, he's, I mean, one of the most amazing things about Maziar is his ability to, in some ways, I think he and I bonded over this idea of being repressive spirits. He is able to compartmentalize his experience to the point where it was embarrassing. He was with us very often on the set when we were filming. In Jordan. And I got very, in Jordan. I got very comfortable saying to him, so when the interrogator would be over you when he would have his knees, so he would hit you like this and Maziar, well, mostly he'd get his ring on my head. And you know, okay, and we'd position around and then I would think to myself like, I'm an asshole, I can't believe I just asked him that. But that stuff didn't really affect him. The family scenes were the ones that he couldn't watch or couldn't be around. But he came and sat through the movie after I did my rough edit and then he's seen it in the big theaters and things like that. For him I think he views it as a process of catharsis and I think he thinks he's done a lot of work with political prisoners and people that have been held in solitary or made to sign force confessions. And he believes that the ones who have, for whatever reason, chosen not to be vocal about their experience suffer more greatly and that he I think has used this process and the process of writing his memoir as a way of catharsis and a way of moving through it. It was beautiful to see the only other movie I'd seen about an Iranian exile was actually The Shaw's Wife. There's a movie about her. Did you see that one? No, I didn't see The Shaw's Wife. It's a really nice life that she has in exile. Is it documentary or is it a fiction? Yeah, it's a documentary and she's got like a three floor apartment in Paris and then she's in Potomac, Maryland. I think she does like Pilates with Queen Noir. I mean, it seems like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dictators are not stupid. Like they, you know, whenever they leave, they leave with $200 billion. Like they don't leave, it's not like they walk out of like, you know, Nave and Johnson from The Jericho. Like, I'll just take this chair. That's all I need. Like they leave, they leave with a lot of money. She claimed 50 million, but yeah. You could have said, okay, I want to direct my first film and I'm going to do some and write my first film. I'm going to do a hot tub time machine too. I could have. Well, not now. I'm expected by taking on such a serious trauma. Yeah, I didn't know this other opportunity was there. I, you know, I immersed myself in this ridiculous Iranian political drama. When everybody knows my real love is quantum physics and hot tubs. So that, you know, that hurts. I'm not going to lie to you. Wish I talked to you earlier. Do you, do you think you'll do more serious dramas? Did you enjoy doing? I don't know if Maziar is going to get arrested again. I mean, so much of it is, it depends on how ballsy he gets. I was wondering how ballsy you were going to get. In terms of? Doing more film. Oh, oh. I wasn't actually asking. I don't know. Is that like, cause I haven't seen this show is like that, how we end this thing? Is that like, alright Stuart, put it on the table. What? Alright. Dance. I, yeah, I mean, I would like to. I have a lot of ideas. I mean, I think partially that's why I decided to move on from the show. Is it, you know, I think I got to a certain point where I thought, well, you shouldn't stay somewhere just because you can. And I still get that rush. You know, one of the things about the show that's really nice, first of all, oh, you know a lot of the people up there. So it's an incredibly collaborative environment. And it's a very, you know, whenever you're doing 160 shows a year, it's, you're not going to be there in full spirit and mind every time. But what's really nice is that, you know, we're not all on the same cycle, if that sounds too weird. You guys don't all get your period. We don't all get our periods on the same day. So, you know, on those days where like I'm having a tough time chewing through a certain, you know, event or just not. So there's always moments of inspiration. And then the thing I'll miss the most, I think, is that sort of the thoughtful conversation in the morning that turns into a rewrite dance party. Like that feeling of, as we're trying to, you know, like the Charlie Ed Boe events, you know, where we're all bereft and we're having a very thoughtful conversation in the morning. And then finding something by 4.30 or five in that rewrite room that still gives us that stupid childlike jolt of joy, that joy machine. That's the actual being on TV part, the actual has become sort of peripheral to the experience of making it. And I'll miss the experience of making it much more than the experience of presenting it, you know. In general. Your employees have constantly complained about how vain you are, emotionally needy, a diva. I make them all wear mirrors. They all wear mirrors. And I spend the whole day going, good ideas, Stuart. No matter where it comes from in the building, I can just point at them and say, good ideas, Stuart. They really are one. Like I have to say, and it sounds like a platitude. You know, when you can find people that are that, that have that kind of talent and creativity, but also that type of humanity, like you know them, they're good bucking people and a pleasure to be around. And in creative environments oftentimes, you don't get that too many people use creativity and art as an excuse to be an asshole. And somehow they allow that idea that I'm a fragile artist whose creative process necessarily means I must degrade others or be narcissistic. They're not like that. But that humility comes from the top. I mean, there are very few shows with bosses who are so good at being leaders in all three ways. Meaning in front of the camera, you are clearly your own voice. And behind the camera, you happen to be a phenomenal mentor to these people, whether you'll take credit for it or not. And then a third way, you're a good dad, but. Right, but it's a group. I was going to say now, like my kids are going to come up behind me. He hits us. Oh wow. All right. So Stephen Colbert, Steve Corell and John Sturgeon. Look at Colbert. Like a baby. Look at him. I know, his skin is so nice, isn't it? His skin is so nice, he's- He's gotten a lot of work done, I think. Yeah, no, he's slicked down like a baby. Were you conscious of mentoring people when you were there? Or that need to? No, I mean, I don't think it's- Is it not something people are- The reason I asked is- I don't think it's enough. Mentoring is, I think mentoring suggests a much more active process. It's the act of collaboration and recognizing that, I've worked at a lot of different places and I've seen different management styles and ways that people do it. And I think what I tried to figure out is the energy spent managing troublesome people, the energy spent soothing ridiculous tantrums and outbursts is energy that cannot be spent cracking a story. An energy that cannot be spent rewriting a joke that all those processes take the whole go of the show was to create a system that was repeatable but not rote. You have, because we have to synthesize so much material every day. So you need to have a system that's redundant but not soul crushing. So the idea was, can we build a machine that still has room for inspiration and oxygen but can get people home without breaking their spirit? And that's a collaboration and that's a group effort and that can't be done from one person at the top. Like everyone has to kind of decide, we, you know, the strength of this will be in that belief as opposed to a sense that like in organization of, you know, everybody's reading the art of war. And like I will hold a silver cup because you're holding a plastic cup. You know, that shows I'm the dominant chimp. There's enough love to go around. And the point is to make it as funny as possible. That's right. Success isn't finite. And the thing that bothers me the most in this business, and it's the only business that I really know because you didn't see it as much in when I was waiting tables or catering. Or collecting mosquitoes. Or collecting mosquitoes is that someone else's success diminishes yours. That's a bullshit idea. The idea, you know, I always looked at it and that baby will agree, you know. That really was the first dissent from the audience. It was one of those things. Success isn't finite. Goo-goo-ga-ga. Wah? Wah. In my world, there's really two breasts. And if someone is on them, I get nothing. So in some respects, success is finite. But I think the metaphor is this. That, you know, there's enough boobs to go around. I was just gonna say milk. I was just gonna say milk. Milk. And that, you know, the guys in the business that I've always thought like, wow, what a fucking waste that they've been overtaken by, acidity and bitterness, is based on that idea that they're always looking externally and never internally. And so the general idea I always had was, like if somebody succeeds, like man, that's good. That helps us all. It allows for heterogeneity and I really hate as a female when they'll only look for like the one. I'm talking about men. I'm not, I should have qualified. That I'm merely, oh, I'm sorry. I think you're right, I think you're right. You had no idea what I was gonna say. By the way, but you bring up a good point, you know. I'm grateful you're finally gonna hand over some money. So. I think what Katie was saying was right. That joke, I think we've worn that joke out. Now we're done. Now we're done with that joke. I think of you as a comedian and I thought of The Daily Show as a comedy show, but there were moments, very strategic moments. It felt like where you were active or I would say that your activities helped people and I'm specifically thinking about Veterans Affairs in terms of getting a bill passed. Were you very sparing on purpose as to what things you were gonna make a cause? I think we make everything, you know. Satire, I think there's a confusion between what satire is and what activism. It's not like there are boots on the ground activists who really working day to day. Satire is a process and when we do the bits on the Veterans Affairs, we don't put it through a separate process. In other words, we don't tag it as this is activism and we're going to use the tools that we use in satire of hyperbole and juxtaposition and puns and ridicule and all those things. But you lobbied on their behalf. But everything we do is that, in other words, everything that we do that comes from a point of view is advocating a position or an argument. And the argument or position that we're advocating through the VA stuff is no different than the argument or position that we're advocating through many other bits. It's just that they could attribute a more direct plea, maybe. But it doesn't, in other words, the field pieces we did for the VA or the comedy bits that we did, the first act headlines that we did on the VA were all put through the same refinery process that we would put any headline. But you could attribute it much more to a news peg or an activism peg maybe just because there was, you would say, fix this. I'm attributing it to it because something actually happened successfully. So that maybe that there was an actual result there in which a bill was passed. I think in some ways for us, it just shows the utter impotence. I mean, one of the difficulties of satire is it is cathartic, but ultimately a relatively impotent pursuit and... I can vouch for that, I've dated mediums. It's... You know what I'm talking about. It's not, shame only goes so far with people and there was a great story, someone asked Peter Cook, who was the greatest satirist of all time or what was the great satire and Peter Cook? It was like, I hadn't ranked them, but, and his interviewer was saying, I think it's Munich in the 30s, the Follies of Berlin, you know, and Peter Cook goes, yeah, they really showed Hitler. And, and that is, and in many respects, now the flip side of that is when satire is introduced to cultures and societies that are unaccustomed to that type of freedom of expression, and then it can have real, real effects. Like, like Bassem Yousaf in Egypt. Like Bassem Yousaf in Egypt. And China, anyone? And Bassem in China as well. I don't know, I don't know who, they would do that in China. Do you have any ideas for anyone to, I mean, I can't imagine anyone wanting to fill your shoes. Do you have any ideas? Who would want their own show every night for a lot of money? I agree with you. Why would anyone want that prison? You want, you want me over, but are you, do you have any ideas of people who you might want to see there? What I want to see there is the next iteration of this idea. I feel like the tributaries of my brain combined with the rigidity of the format, I feel like I utilized every permutation of that that I could possibly use. You know, you can only go so far with, you know, four facial expressions and five to seven curse words. Like there's only so many iterations of that that you can do before people just go, I would love to see the next iteration of it. Like John Oliver was able to apply our process to a more considered thing and it's exciting to watch it evolve, to see it mutate and change and fill different gaps and different ideas. And, you know, that's the part that I'm sort of looking forward to seeing. You also got help in terms of having more words from the legal department, because aren't some of the things that you're allowed to use versus the actual words that they cut out sometimes funnier? Say it again? Like the legal department, don't they sort of help you when they sort of say you can't use butthole but you can use taint, like. We have had that conversation. The best part about those conversations is the seriousness in which they take place. Because generally it's 15 minutes before the show and someone will run down breathlessly and go, they're willing to give you three dildos, but not four. We'll all go back into the room and all right, so if we only have three dildos, how do we distribute them? But it's, you're right, there are those constraints. The first time you had a show with your name on it, we know how that ended and how does it feel to leave on your own terms? You know, I have found not being fired is preferable to being fired. Fair, fair, it's a bad question. And having experienced the former, the being fired, often. Even from your brother. My, that is... Do you want to tell that story? Okay. I was hired to work as a stock boy in a Woolworths in a mall in New Jersey because that's how I roll. It was my first job, I think I was 15 and I worked in a stock room underneath the Woolworths. It was one of those first big box stores and it was in the Quaker Bridge Mall which had just been built. And I worked with a buddy of mine named George Lesensky and we had these sort of eight foot high stock shelves and at the time, beanbag chairs were the hot item and not in like a retro way in like a... Like in a, who invented these? Like, I can't believe it, a formless chair that crackles when you sit on it. Is it filled with cereal? I don't know. So the other hot thing to do at the time was Acapulco cliff diving. Obviously. So George Lesensky and I would pile beanbag chairs up and we would Acapulco stage dive off the stock racks. Not being professionals at beanbag stacking or diving, things occasionally went wrong. And there was one day when I did what I thought was a beautiful half-gainer that ended up shooting a beanbag across the room and wiping out about $2,000 worth of aquariums. Because back then Woolworths thought, hey, this place is a shit show, let's sell animals. You know, that was my other job every day running around the store trying to catch the parakeets that would get out by the ceiling fans. It really was like, Woolworths was really a parakeet abattoir. Like, but beyond that, so I wrecked all these aquariums. But luckily I also, as the stock boy, had the key to the incinerator. So I opened the incinerator and I'm yelling at George to sweep it up and they'd throw it in there and I'm throwing it in there and yelling at George and I turn back and it's not George. It's the manager of the Woolworths who happened to be at the time my brother. And so he had to fire me from my first job and it was that strange experience of being fired and humiliated at work and coming home in shame and sitting down at the dinner table and going, oh my God, it's still you. So, good times. I know a lot of people are very sad to see you retire although I know you're gonna be doing many wonderful things after. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm not retiring, you know. It's not like, I'm not putting on the black socks and heading down to Boca. Okay, good, I was not, because it felt like, I was like, whoa, he's really trying to milk this for as many retirement parties as possible. No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no retirement. It's literally just, I needed more flexibility. I got maybe four or five more years with the kids before they really don't want anything to do with me. And I'm just not there, you know, you can't go nine to nine for 16 years and think, you know, you're gonna be able to tell them to not smoke pot. Like, you can't just show up at nine p.m. and be like, don't get high, all right, good night, sweetie. Like, you know, you gotta, I just need more flexibility. But believe me, I feel like I'm gonna work maybe more. I'll just be able to do it more like nearer to them, you know. Yeah, in New Jersey. You don't have to press up really hard. You don't need to say it like that. Okay, fine. You really made it sound like, yes, in the basement of a Woolworth's. Enjoy your retirement, stock boy. But no, I mean, that's obviously it's not the only consideration, but it's an important one. And then... You're gonna do more stand-up? Love to do more stand-up. You know, that's how I started. And that's what I would love to come out on the road. Unleaven was your first stand-up special? Yes. And so the next one will be gluten-free. Nice. Kids got celiac, so why not? Is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My son has celiac, so does my wife. So it's like one of those things that people go like gluten-free and it's kind of funny, but they really do have like... An actual... An actual disease. Yeah. And with him, it was freaky because it was... It's a disease. It's a disease. But we didn't know that's what it was, so we just thought like he was dying. It affected him in ways that are really awful, vomit-wise. I don't want to bring the room down every time. And are you lactose intolerant? I'm a Jew. Yeah. I got to tell you, the worst part about being like the host of the day and the whole thing is like, so I'm the big man at work, right? I walk in and all the interns are there, and they're working in the little mini kitchen, you know, and I have to walk in like the big man, so I just go by to make my coffee and I'm like, where's my lactate? Because you want to come in there, you want to hammer, like, feel like, you know, the big man and they're like, really, lactate? All right, old man, there you go. Here's your lactate and your trust. Have a good day. Well, I wanted to get you some things before you head out of the Daily Show. We got a couple of things here. Sure, a folder? A cobra form for health insurance, you know, for your health insurance. Are you in human resources? All right. I auditioned to be on the Daily Show in 2008. This is my, I got a suit for the, you know, you got a dress for the job you want, so if you could just invoice it to Comedy Central, I know. Well, you really wanted a good job. I really, really, really, really, Nenette Lafour is expensive. Yeah, if you could send that to them and we got a bathrobe for you if you want to just, like, sit at home. Sure. For a little bit. Thank you. Some bonbons. You can't watch soap operas, but ESPN, you can watch them just because there are no more soap operas. Wait, a bathrobe? What am I? Eva Gabor? What? You want to sit in a bathrobe and eat bonbons? These are for when you travel to do stand-up in England, prunes. Yeah. Oh, some great stuff from the 92nd Street Y. They think there's some poetry and Zumba stuff. There. Here's more. This is a workshop. I see they have Mitzi Gaina coming in February. She's terrific. I saw her with Lola Filana. They did Raisin' in the Sun, an all-white women version. It was phenomenal. Patti Lepone took over. She stole the show every time she played the show. She played the sun. It was amazing. Sure. You can take the Mets, your favorite team. You can take them to baseball camp, too. Sure, thank you. And in all seriousness, I got you a notebook because I hope you never stop writing. You are a brilliant, brilliant comedian, a wonderful human being, and a total mens for being human.